DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

POETRY CAFÉ, COVENT GARDEN,
MONDAY 22ND NOVEMBER 2010

I am glad to announce my gig at The Poetry Café this week went extremely well - despite Monday evenings not necessarily being the best night of the week for a lot of people. Those who showed up were greeted by the dubious sight of me in an inflatable Bride Of Frankenstein wig and in the second half a rain mac and panda shower cap - it was my way of saying that NO, yeti do not wear pyjamas - but they do sometimes wear this. There should be photos of both costumes elsewhere in this post.

I'd like to thank Dan for filming and taking photos at the events - also to Calum, Harry, Lorraine, Maggie, Jay and Baz for attending; as well as a number of other café visitors who sat in to watch towards the end. I read 18 pieces in the first half and 20 in the second; many of them I had not performed live before and I was especially pleased with the audience's reaction to A LITTLE MOUSE as I had only completed the week before. 19 of the 38 poems read were videoed by Dan.

Of course one element that I have yet to mention is that for the first time this gig was all for charity - something which I think I'd definitely like to keep doing in the future. Thank you to my dad, Michael Chandler, for sponsoring the night (ie: paying the loan of the venue!) and to those who attended for their donations. By the end of the night we had made over £50 for MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT which, I am sure you will agree, is a very good cause.

Please note: Poems with an asterisk were recorded by Dan for future Youtube videos.

FIRST HALF

I SHOULD NEVER *
MY DOG IN A DRESS *
READY - TEDDY - GO!!!
LITTLE PIG
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE *
THE TRUE LIGHT
DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? *
I LOVE YOU LESS *
WE'RE GOING TO CLONE YOU!! *
ASK NICELY *
THE CROCODILE *
THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA *
BREAKING UP IS HARDER (WHEN NEITHER LOVE WANTS TO PART) *
I NEVER SAY NO TO PIE
YOU ARE THE NIGHTMARE THAT KEEPS OTHER NIGHTMARES AWAKE *
THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON *
THEY WARNED ME ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU *
SHE NEVER HAD ANY LUCK… *

SECOND HALF

THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR
PARTY GIRL
I'VE BEEN TO A MARVELLOUS PARTY (NOEL COWARD)
WE AIN'T GOT TIME *
POLITELY ENRAGED *
BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD *
WE WERE GOING TO BE WED (WHEN WE BOTH HIT 40!!)
BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE
A FLEA TEA PARTY
I KNOW HIM…
JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU
MY AMERICAN HUNK
WAITING FOR GHOSTS
WORK IS RUBBISH
YOU, ME AND THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS *
FIRST SNOG *
THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE
A LITTLE MOUSE
LAS VEGAS LIPS
I WILL EAT PIES

THE SHOW IN A LITTLE MORE DETAIL

FIRST HALF

I SHOULD NEVER *
MY DOG IN A DRESS *
READY - TEDDY - GO!!!
LITTLE PIG
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE *
THE TRUE LIGHT
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

The first six poems were written over a 10 year period and were included in various books - but were gathered together in 2009 for my SHY YETI RULES OK collection; which basically contains most of the poems that I regularly perform live at open-mike, at shows or on my Youtube or Vimeo videos. I haven't read I SHOULD NEVER very often; MY DOG IN A DRESS often gets read because it's one that my friend Dr Neph likes. READY-TEDDY-GO!!! I read because my friend Maggie was in the audience and she was there when I wrote that one. LITTLE PIG is one of my favourites and the final two are usually ones that I either read early on in the night or right at the end as they are amongst my most requested pieces.

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? *
I LOVE YOU LESS *
WE'RE GOING TO CLONE YOU!! *
ASK NICELY *
THE CROCODILE *
THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA *
From DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? (2010)

Six poems from my 2010 collection, DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? The title poem I felt I should read as it was the poem that both my latest book and the night itself was named after. The next 3 poems I have all recorded for various SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos during the year - whilst THE CROCODILE is work-inspired and one of my work colleagues was in the audience - whilst THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA I read at open-mike at The Poetry Café back in the Spring on the night that David Cameron became Prime Minister; although it was actually inspired by a visit to my work by Gordon Brown the previous autumn.

BREAKING UP IS HARDER (WHEN NEITHER LOVE WANTS TO PART) *
I NEVER SAY NO TO PIE
YOU ARE THE NIGHTMARE THAT KEEPS OTHER NIGHTMARES AWAKE *
THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON *
THEY WARNED ME ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU *
From SHY YETI'S INCREDIBLE PIE-CRUST COLLECTION (2008)

These are some random poems selected from my 2008 collection which I haven't read live before; although THEY WARNED ME ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU has its own Vimeo video. In addition to this I offered the audience the chance for me to read THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON, YOU ARE THE NIGHTMARE... and MISTER BEE. YOU ARE THE NIGHTMARE... was selected, but then Maggie from the audience "pleaded" with me to read THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON, so I did both!!

SHE NEVER HAD ANY LUCK… *
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

One of my earlier pieces from 2001, which I've not read very often and thought might be a good one to finish the first half with; although it is rather sad. I had also intended to read DON'T SNOG BEES, YOU CRAMP MY STYLE and RECKLESSLY during the first half, but ran out of time.

Dan also recorded a couple of short interviews with me during the break - one on the sofa where I had to sign a book and then later when I was dressed in my "rain mac" costume.

SECOND HALF

THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR
PARTY GIRL
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

Another two poems that appear in the SHY YETI RULES OK compilation. THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR is one of my earliest poems from 1992 and although it sounds a little creaky compared to some of my later work I do have a soft spot for it and it's one of the few that I still read from that period. It also has its own Vimeo video. PARTY GIRL is a little more recent and is one that I've intended to read at a gig for a while.

I'VE BEEN TO A MARVELLOUS PARTY
NOEL COWARD (1938)

The only cover version that I have ever done at one of my shows. This is by Noel Coward, of course and I decided to read it after receiving a book of humorous poems for my 37th birthday in November 2010, from my friend Glyn Green - who was unable to attend the event on the day. However it made me realise that a number of my own poems are probably inspired by the style of Coward, even though I wasn't completely familiar with this one. I do hope I did it justice - reading it in my best Noel Coward voice!

It was also read as an introduction to a number of poems that I have written over the years that are quite Cowardesque.

WE AIN'T GOT TIME *
From THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE & OTHER POEMS (As yet unpublished, 2011)

The first of my sequence of poems that could be said to unconsciously inspired by Noel Coward. This is a very new one; I had only finished it a few days before I read it, along with A LITTLE MOUSE which I read towards the end of the evening.

POLITELY ENRAGED *
BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD *
WE WERE GOING TO BE WED (WHEN WE BOTH HIT 40!!)
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

These three were all compiled in the SHY YETI RULES OK book and also fit well with the Noel Coward-esque feel of this part of the show. The first is a very polite angry poem, the second is a rather catty, vaguely witty piece about a failed relationship and the final poem is about a failed promise and contains one of my favourite final verses of any of my poems.

BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE
A FLEA TEA PARTY
I KNOW HIM…
JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU
MY AMERICAN HUNK
WAITING FOR GHOSTS
WORK IS RUBBISH
YOU, ME AND THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS *
FIRST SNOG *
From YETI HUGS & OTHER HORRORS (2011)

Nine poems from my next collection, due out in January. BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE I read during my aborted SHY YETI ON LOCATION video from Venice and A FLEA TEA PARTY appears in my summer 2010 SHY YETI episode. I KNOW HIM is a pretty late addition to that book, JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU appeared in my SHY YETI IN HOLLYWOOD video and YOU ME AND THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS I read during open-mike in L.A.; which appears in my COBALT CAFÉ video. MY AMERICAN HUNK, WAITING FOR GHOSTS and WORK IS RUBBISH are all pieces from the new book that hadn't previously been performed; as with FIRST SNOG which is part of the HOLLYWEIRD segment of the new collection.

THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE
A LITTLE MOUSE
From THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE & OTHER POEMS (As yet unpublished, 2011)

Two very new pieces - that are due to appear in the book after next - which means they certainly won't appear until late 2011 or early 2012. The next book was due to be called something else (I can't tell you what as it may eventually end up as the title of my 2012/2013 collection…), but in the end I decided that THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE & OTHER POEMS was too good a title not to use! A LITTLE MOUSE was only finished a week before the actual gig and I am rather pleased by how well it came together after a bit of a slow start. WE AIN'T GOT TIME, which I read during the Noel Coward section is also from this collection.

LAS VEGAS LIPS
I WILL EAT PIES
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

These two were also compiled in the SHY YETI RULES OK book - the first I read as I am due to return to Las Vegas in the very near future (having visited previously in 2000 and 2003) and the second - well, that's a piece that is inspired by the song "I Will Survive" which I always read as my final piece of the night.

I was going to read the poem RESPECTABLE TEXTS, but ran out of time to do so. I also had a lot more set aside as back up - these included: CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND, OH FLORENCE!!!, THE BIRTHDAY THAT NEVER WAS…, CUPCAKE, FILMSTAR, THE KING OF RHYME, CHILLI PEPPER FINGERS, ENGLAND LOVES YOU…, THE PARENTS TURN AGAINST THE CHILDREN, PICCADILLY CIRCUS, CATFOOD IN YOUR EYEBROWS, JUST HOW SLUTTY ARE LIBRARY BOOKS?, YOUR APRIL FOOL, YOU DON'T EXIST, DO SHEEP MIGRATE?, BEING COY, MY MOMENT IS NOW!!!, OTHERWISE ENGAGED, DJ DARLING, EXIT PURSUED BY A YETI, I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR GROUPIE, RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR, DISCO YETI, I WANT YOU NOW (NO I DON'T!), THE SOLEMN SALAMANDER, THE BALLAD OF TINY ELVIS, CAT THIEF, SO MUCH LOVE - SO LITTLE TIME, BAD STUFF I WISH WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU, NO-ONE EVER FELT COOL BUYING AN MP3 FILE, YOU TRULY WERE THE HANDSOMEST, SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA, YETI SPAGHETTI and THE UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE. Some or all of which should probably get a shot when I do my next gig in the Spring of 2010. Watch this space…

I have completed work on a live video to post on Youtube as of today which includes the poems: I SHOULD NEVER, THE CROCODILE, THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA and I NEVER SAY NO TO PIE all of which have never been available to view online. I intend to post a second video sometime between now and Christmas - not to mention a couple more SHY YETI ON LOCATION episodes! It's all go.

SHY YETI LIVE - 22/11/2010 - PART 1 is available at the following links:

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaNuvQi6gjE

Vimeo: http://www.vimeo.com/17170181

Thanks once again to everyone who came along - I intend to post one or two new poems from the next book; as well as something Christmassy sometime in the next few weeks.

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

PAUL GOES TO L.A. AND ANOTHER POEM FROM THE NEW BOOK

Hello,

Just a quick post to show off some rather cool photos that were sent to me by a good friend from L.A. who bought the new book. I am sorry to say that I, myself, am yet to visit L.A. - but it is nice to see that my books get to do a bit of sightseeing in their new homes. Thank you, Dominic McCauley for taking all these photos! Hopefully I can come visit my book one day soon! :)

Whilst we are considering L.A. and all the stars that can be found there I thought this gave me the perfect idea of which poem from the new book: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? that I should post here. It's called FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE - but, of course, does not refer to the genuine stars that are featured on the streets of L.A. - more the Z-listers that are continually pushed our way these days. I hope you enjoy both the poem and the new photos.

In further news I have been busy compiling THE YETI MACABRE, which features some new short stories, scripts and some of my more curious poetic endeavours. I have also been working on a lot of poems over the last few weeks - titles include: THE MEN IN WHITE COATS ARE MY FRIENDS, RESPECTABLE TEXTS and THE CUTEST ONE IN THE BAND amongst others.More soon!

Massive yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE…

I am sick of the famous…

They're a pain in the arse!

They think they're better than us –

But most simply lack class!

I'm so sick of their hairstyles…

Yes, I'm sick of their sneering…

Oh so sick of their chat;

When in HEAT they're appearing!

They all drive me insane!

They must all take the blame…

Botox messed with their brains –

'Til they forgot their own name!

Oh, why don't they feck off –

So we don't have to see them…

Despite what everyone says –

I would not want to be them…

I'm so sick of the famous –

Can't we send them away?

Give them all one way tickets –

Out to Mars or Bombay...

I am sick of the famous –

They're a pain in the neck!

They emerge out of rehab –

Yet they still look a wreck!

Then they make their confessions –

So we all have to hear 'em!

Why can't we just feed them –

Some dead poisonous serum!?

Oh, why can't we just bury them –

Deep down under the ground?

Shhh… And not tell a soul!

So, they'll never be found!

Oh, why don't they feck off?

They're a cause for concern!

No-one cares for them now –

But seems they never will learn!

I'm so sick of the famous –

And the floozies they bed!

I hear eight out of ten folk –

Would prefer they were dead!

I am sick of the famous –

They're a pain in the butt!

They just fill up the gutters –

They are all off their nut…

They have nothing to say –

That the world needs to hear!

How I laugh when I see –

That they're living in fear!

With the Paps on the door –

For another sound bite!

See them craving the fame –

Like moths burnt by the light…

Oh, why don't they fuck off?

I care not what they've felt!

I care not what they've suffered –

I live in hope they might melt!

I'm so sick of the famous –

And with all of their moaning!

It is they who have sinned –

But it is us who's atoning!

FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2010 and is from the new collection DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? All photos Copyright Dominic McCauley, 2010.

IT LIVES!!!

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS IS FINALLY AVAILABLE!!

As promised, DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS is finally published and available to purchase from Lulu.com in three different formats; paperback, hardback and digital download. Here are some more details about the new book - take a peek at the links as you can see some sample pages and a number of the new poems too for free.

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

Price: £9.99

Ships in 3–5 business days

Welcome to DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?, yet another book of verse from SHY YETI aka Paul Chandler; his first of 2010. Poems include: ASK NICELY, CAFFEINE QUEEN, CALLING SAINT RITA, D.J. DARLING, GLUM, I LOVE YOU LESS, LOVELY LIES, A VAMPIRE FOR CAKE and YOU COULD BE MY PIN-UP. The book is illustrated with photos of Mr Yeti's travels and contains his comedic comments on his own writing.

http://www.lulu.com/product/item/do-yeti-wear-pyjamas/11063904

Paperback, First Edition, Published May 28, 2010
Copyright PAUL CHANDLER (Standard Copyright License)
Publisher BEECHES BOOKS / PAUL CHANDLER
Language: English, Pages 240, Binding Perfect-bound Paperback
Interior Ink Black & white, Weight 0.42 kg, Dimensions (cm) 15.2 wide × 22.9 tall

Download for £5.99
 
http://www.lulu.com/product/file-download/do-yeti-wear-pyjamas/11063905
 
Hardback Edition for £15.99
 
http://www.lulu.com/product/hardcover/do-yeti-wear-pyjamas/11064561
 
I'll be posting up another new poem from this collection soon - but I just wanted you to know that the new collection was available.
 
Best wishes and yeti hugs,
 
Paul xx

PS I can also announce that last weekend I completed three new poems: A FLEA TEA PARTY, SET THEM FREE and BAD STUFF I WISH WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU - not to mention a new short horror story for THE YETI MACABRE book called ACCESS PROHIBITED...

FINAL VERSION OF "DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS" TO BE LOADED UP BY MONDAY NEXT WEEK...

Hi,

This is probably the final post before "DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?" is available to buy - although the official release day will be Monday 31st May 2010. (A bank holiday! Yes, I know - but what better way to spend your bank holiday than by reading my new book... Okay, so I'm kidding myself - but if the weather is good!? Maybe!?)

I have received the 2nd draft copy of the book with the revised cover and am just making a few final changes. I'm hoping that a hard back edition of the book will also be ready by the 31st for anyone interested - but we shall have to see.

In other news I am still working on THE DEATH OF LOVE and have been working on some new poems for this during May, however I am also spending quite a bit of time at the moment completing my next Mouse of Commons book: POSTCARDS FROM MCWHISKERS as part of my celebration of 10 years of Gladstone McWhiskers. I have also nearly completed the first draft of a new Mouse novel and am working on a couple of the many short stories that I wrote about Glad and Ollie back in 2008, but have yet to type up. In addition to this I am writing a number of short stories for my collection: THE YETI MACABRE - having completed the first of these THE TATTOOED SKELETON earlier this week. In addition to the half dozen or so short stories in this horror themed collection I have selected a number of poems from all my volumes to date that fit this theme. As of last week I also rediscovered a number of scripts and monologues that I wrote between about 1998 and 2000 - a play called A CROSS TO BEAR (more of a thriller - but with murderous overtones), a short play called SCEPTIC (a ghost story), a monologue called TOUCHWOOD (a weird murder story) and a four part radio script called THE DO-GOODERS. The final script is a comedy drama about an neighbourhood watch team. The adventure included is calledin an adventure named THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WITCH which was the only story in the series to ever be completed, at least to date. A second story was planned and is partially written in the archives, so may be returned to! So the long and the short of it is that THE YETI MACABRE is going to be approximately 400 pages of horrifying (in a good way) poetry, stories and scripts - with all but the poems being previously unpublished.

I will hopefully be filming a new episode of SHY YETI ON LOCATION in June, featuring poems exclusively from the new collection - and here is one of poems that I am considering, HE EATS SO MUCH...

I hope you enjoy it!

More news next week once I am 100% the book is going up - with yet another poem from the new collection.

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS The photo below was taken just after my return to open-mike night, last week. Thanks to Harry for coming along and for taking the photo. :)

HE EATS SO MUCH...


He eats so much cake –
He can see in the dark!
He slurps so much tea;
As he walks in the park!
He gulps down fresh air;
Always drinks his bath water!
He will need to wear stilts;
If he grows any shorter!
If he's eating his lunch –
No, he won't take a call!
He is growing so fat –
He's becoming a ball…
He's becoming a blob –
Like some bald burping toad!
If he eats any more –
Then one day he'll explode!


He swigs so much beer;
That his belly’s grown wider!
Well, it makes his eyes bulge;
So he’s trained up a spider!
To deliver his goodies –
Saves himself from the strain!
Weight is the only thing;
That he ever did gain!
But he thinks he looks great!
He enjoys all the buzz!
Oh, he thinks he looks awesome!
Yeah, so maybe he does!
Who's to say he looks bad?
That is only your view!
That is just your opinion!
Who the hell then are you?


He eats so much candy –
His knees they do shake!
He eats so much fudge –
And huge slices of steak!
But does he want to cut down?
No, he doesn’t, not really!
Oh, the sight of a cake –
Makes him so touchy feely!
But why d’you want him to change?
What business is it of yours?
You’re the one who has issues –
With those cakes he adores!
So, he does not eat veg –
And finds fresh fruit too fruity!
He’s quite happy with pie and –
His own unique beauty!

HE EATS SO MUCH is available in the new collection: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS, published on http://www.lulu.com/ on 31st May 2010. HE EATS SO MUCH is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2010.

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS - ALMOST READY NOW!!!

Hi,

We're entered the last stages of readying DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS for publication - I have sent off for a couple of draft copies of the finished book and once I have received my copies then I will announce the actual publication date; which I imagine will be before the end of the month.

There are 55 new poems in this collection - although one or two have already appeared on this blog, on my recent poetry videos and such.

I have listed them before, however this is the final-final running order for your delictation:

ASK NICELY
BIRTHDAY GIRL / BIRTHDAY BOY
BREAKING HEARTS IS SUCH A BITCH!!
THE CAFFEINE QUEEN
CALLING UP SAINT RITA
CAT FOOD IN YOUR EYEBROWS
THE CAT WHO COULDN’T BE KICKED
A CHEERLEADER FOR YOU!!
COVER VERSIONS
THE CROCODILE
THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA
D.J., DARLING
DON’T SNOG BEES
DON’T TURN ON ME
DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?
FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE
FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION
GLASSES CHECKED
GLUM
HE EATS SO MUCH
HER LAST SUPPER
I’M FAR TOO IMPORTANT TO KNOW YOU
I LEFT A CRACK IN KRAKOW
I LOST MY POOR HEART TO A POET
I LOVE YOU LESS
I WILL NEVER BE YOUR GENIE
JUST HOW SLUTTY ARE LIBRARY BOOKS?
KISS LIKE A CHEAT
LADY GRRR GRRR
LONELY MR SNAIL
LOST WEEKENDS ARE OVER-RATED
LOVELY LIES
LOVE YOU, STINKY
A MAN WITH AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR IS MY IDEA OF HELL
MANY HAPPY RETURNS
ME, THEM AND A JACUZZI
MY GIDDY AUNT
THE MYSTERIOUS ART OF LUMPOLOGY
NEIGHBOURS FOR NOW
A NICE ICECREAM MAN
NOT SEEING ANYBODY ELSE
REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED HOT
A SAINT OR A SINNER!?
SECOND 29TH BIRTHDAY
SOUR PUSS
TAKE THE BLAME
TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE
TONIGHT, I’M A POLICEMAN
TRYING TO GET BACK ON TRACK
A VAMPIRE FOR CAKE
VIEWPOINT
WE’RE GOING TO CLONE YOU!
THE YEAR OF SEXY
THE YETI OF MUSWELL HILL
YOU COULD BE MY PIN-UP

I intend to include one of the new poems in this entry: I LOVE YOU LESS - which also appeared in one of my SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos earlier this year.

Also relating to promoting the book I returned to the Poetry Cafe this week and read three poems from the new collection. This was my first visit to the Poetry Cafe since Tuesday 16th February 2010 and once again I was accompanied by my faithful side-kick Harry. As he had in February, Harry managed to push me into going up first - but as nobody else wanted to be first one up it probably worked in my favour as I think I got a pretty good response; especially with the first poem that I read as it was very topical.

These were the poems that I read:

THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA

I deliberately chose this one to read first and I'm rather pleased to have done so. The poem was written last November when Gordon Brown visited my place of work; however a few of us didn't take too well to being told how we were expected to bow and scrape to him should we meet him. I had no wish to meet him at any rate; after all, he's a public servant like myself and and I have no intention of giving undue respect to such a person and so I ensured that I didn't meet him. However, the phrase public servant rattled around in my head and I came up with this. As it happened, quite coincidentally - at almost exactly the same time as this poem received its live debut David Cameron had just been sworn in as Prime Minister and had just arrived at Number 10; so I now associate this piece with two Prime Ministers. However, I deliberately don't refer to which Prime Minister in particular in this poem as I want it to remain relevant down the ages!! :) I don't think this will be the last time that people are fed up with the person in power - so I am sure it will become relevant once again before too long! Still, being PM isn't meant to be a popularity contest - it's an inevitable part of the job, which someone like Blair never understood with all his spin and bluster... It was good to find that the audience seemed to connect with this poem and apparently enjoyed it and I was pleased that they seemed to laugh at some of the subtler jokes as well as the more blatant ones; not quite sure what to make of getting a cheer from the last line though! Poor Gordy...

This poem was posted on this blog back in November and can be read at: http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2009_11_01_archive.html

I LOVE YOU LESS...

I decided that this would be another good poem to read - to follow the Prime Ministerial piece; as it's one of my bitchier relationship poems, about a money grabber. Again, it seemed to go down well. I recorded this one back in January for my SHY YETI IN A SECRET LOCATION video, which can be viewed at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWanDuIRPzY or http://www.vimeo.com/8650570 The full text of the poem appears at the bottom of this post.

THE CAFFEINE QUEEN

I decided to finish with this little piece - the story of a lady who drinks too much coffee and is really rather wild - and then what becomes of her when she changes to decaff. I recorded this poem for my first SHY YETI ON LOCATION video, filmed in Dorset at New Year 2010. The video version can be viewed at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dHbo3vLD-g&feature=youtu.be&a  or at:  http://www.vimeo.com/8541628

Unlike my last appearance at open-mike in February I kept within my five minutes and even managed to plug A SOUPCON OF SHY YETI to the audience. It was a really good evening and there were some of the best poets I've heard read at open-mike, to be honest - so in retrospect it was quite an honour to be the first up. Anyway, that's it for now - more news as I get it. I hope you enjoy the new poem.

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS The photo at the top of this post was taken during my trip to Krakow in November 2010, around the same time as THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA was written. :)  There is more about my Krakow trip in DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS...


I LOVE YOU LESS...

I love your kiss…
I love your cat…
I love your touch…
Your Mayfair flat!
I love your food –
Also your mother…
I wouldn’t mind –
To bed your brother!
But as for you –
You’re always hammered!
I’m not so sure…
Not so enamoured!
I love your friends –
But must confess…
When it comes to you –
I love you less…


I love your smile…
I love your Jag…
Your new iPod –
And Versace bag!
I love your pool…
Your luxury villa!
Your chauffeur’s lush –
His eyes are killer!
But as for you –
I’m not so sure…
You’re like the flu –
I’d like a cure…
I love your charm –
But I digress…
You’re not so great…
I love you less…


I love your laugh…
Love all you’ve got…
Your next door neighbour’s –
Kind of hot!
I love the jokes –
You keep on saying!
I love meals out –
When YOU are paying!
As for your yourself –
I’m undecided…
Your taste in curtains –
Is much derided!
I love that you –
Try to impress!
But I like me more –
Still love you less…


I love your pecs –
You flex real well…
I love your warmth –
And manly smell!
I love your clothes –
Your fast new scooter…
You’re kind of nice…
But could be cuter!
But the inner you –
If I may be so bold…
I’m quite unmoved –
You leave me cold!
I love your wallet –
Keeps me, I guess…
I love all these things –
Just love YOU less…

I LOVE YOU LESS is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2010

ANOTHER NEW POEM FROM "DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?"

Hi,

As promised - another new poem from the new collection - one new poem each week until the new book is available. Lastest news on DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS is that all the poems and comments have been proofed and I am now just going through all the extra bits at the back of the book. The way things are going the collection should be ready to go to Lulu a week today; paws crossed.

More on this next week!

As well as working on this collection I have completed a new poem this week for THE DEATH OF LOVE - it's called THE EARWORM and is all about those irritating songs that get stuck inside your head. I have also been working on some new short stories to go into THE YETI MACABRE collection of horror poems and stories.

Anyway - the poem that I am posting this week is called THE CROCODILE and is all about slimey types who you might come across in your working life... I hope you enjoy it! :)

More soon! Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS The photo has nothing to do with crocodiles - it's just a random one I found from last spring when I was taking photos to promote my SHY YETI RULES OK collection.

THE CROCODILE…



He's watching every move you make –
His smile is proud and wide…
He has a chuckle in his voice –
So you will think he's on your side!
But do be certain that he isn't;
You may not know him very well…
But he is hungry for your blood –
Yes, he's just there to give you hell...
Yet there are stupid people out there –
Who seem impressed by his tall tales…
Needs only look them in the eye;
Works every time; this never fails…
Those same people think he's talented –
Or that he's clever; full of charm…
But you and I now know the truth…
He's only here to cause us harm!

Because he's the crocodile –
And he's sharpening his teeth!
He's got your freedom in his sights –
Soon he'll be sending you a wreath!
That devious crocodile…
Oh, he has got a lot of bite…
But if you cross him once too often –
Then he will drop you from a height!

He's watching your reactions –
He will enjoy your growing fear…
He'd love to keep you in a cupboard –
And let you out just once year...
If he so chooses you will perish –
So, do retaliate at will…
You must side step if he approaches –
As he moves in to make a kill…
Well, could you be in any doubt –
About his motives or his plans?
He was never mister nice guy –
And no, he has no screaming fans!
The only screams you may well hear…
Will come from those left at his mercy!
All those people he makes suffer –
Who may bow to him or curtsey!

Yes, he's the crocodile…
Hark! Hear the snapping of his jaws…
He is everyone's worst nightmare –
And soon he's going to end up yours!
That greedy crocodile –
You may well think him quite vanilla…
But deep inside he's drop dead evil –
With the cold heart of a killer…

He is watching as you're breathing –
Knows your heart is in your throat…
Make sure you carry silver bullets –
In case you need an antidote…
Carry close your sacred cross –
Just in case you're out of luck…
Just in case he bares his fangs –
And moves in close to have a suck!
Just in case the moon is full –
It always pays if you beware…
Because this man's a proper monster…
He's only out to cause a scare!
He's only there to cause you misery –
Likes to think that he's your master…
But if he's left in charge we're ruined –
By this brain-dead bringer of disaster…

But is he such a clever clogs?
He thinks he'll never feel your loss…
Until one day he might regret it –
Until the day you are HIS boss…

Oh, what a crocodile…
Don't let him catch you in a rush…
One twisted glance from that cadaver;
Will turn your brains into a mush!
That cunning crocodile –
No, you must not admit defeat…
Be sure you choke him when he swallows –
We all KNOW it's you he's gonna eat!

THE CROCODILE comes from Shy Yeti's new collection: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS - Copyright Paul Chandler 2010.

"TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE" AND "THE YETI MACABRE"...

As promised, I present to you here a little something more from my next book: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

It's called "TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE" and is more of a prose piece than a proper poem - I wrote it in Nice, last October.

Work on DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS continues apace - and the book is still due to emerge in May; no exact date yet - but I should know more by the end of next week.

Additionally to this, the next book of poems and the next Mouse of Commons novel - this week saw me beginning to work on a new compilation of my more horror-based, supernatural and just plain odd writing! The title of this collection was to have been YETI FANTASTIC - but has since become THE YETI MACABRE which my old friend Andrew Davies suggested to me during an email chat. I thought it was perfect and definitely suits the collection. THE YETI MACABRE will be a collection of short stories (the first is called THE NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR and there will be several more) and the rest of the book will be populated by the more horror-based pieces of prose and poetry that I've published in my poetry collections to date.

Anyway - enjoy TO BE BESIDE THE SEA-SIDE; actually this is probably weird enough to appear in the THE YETI MACABRE too!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS Eagle-eyed viewers may note that the photo that I have used to illustrate this poem does not come from Nice - but elsewhere! (Nice has a rocky beach - whereas the one in the photo does not...) The photo actually comes from my November 2008 trip to Barcelona; one of the locations in my forthcoming Mouse of Commons collection: POSTCARDS FROM MCWHISKERS - which should be out this summer.

TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE…



Bobbing about in the sea off the beach in Nice one mild October afternoon...
There's nothing like a bit of seawater to wash away the cobwebs!
The sun is hot, but I am British and a prude...
But I have been sensible and I have thought ahead!
I wear a sky blue t-shirt from Primark that boasts of the Californian sun!
My friend, Harry, rests uncomfortably on the pebbles reading philosophy...
But no book nor philosopher can ever truly understand the sea...
Back amongst the waves a few minutes of floating about can really relax one…
It can really make your mind work overtime;
There amongst the waves I am a mermaid...
A hairy, beary mermaid - but a mermaid none the less!
My chunky oafish paws now one heavy flipper...
I could swim out to sea forever; I could dive deep to drink tea with sea horses!
Wait. How would sea horses actually drink tea!?
How would they tell where their tea ended and the sea began?
Wouldn't it taste really salty?
Maybe they wouldn’t mind that or they would simply keep it in a flask…
Perhaps they’d just suck teabags between their teeth and hope for the best!
Or perhaps they'd just keep going until they reached Italy...
Get out of the sea; catch a train to Turin –
And then have their tea there. I mean it would probably be a lot safer too.
Something is squawking loudly above me.
Could it be my conscience or simply Harry calling me in for our fish supper...
It is neither; merely gulls in flight and they have seen me!
They have mistaken me for a large piece of white bait or a giant sprat!
Be gone foul winged beasties; can't you see I'm a mermaid!
Shouldn't you be afraid or at least have a little respect...
Things look bad - they're going to grab me, nip me, tweak me, poke me…
Tenderise me until I'm fit to be eaten and then lift me high, high into the air!
To be flown back to their nests to be devoured by their children or wives –
By their husbands, their maiden aunts, mother-in-laws and close family friends!
That said, I'd like to see them try and lift me...
Chances are they simply intend to poo upon my head!
Not waiting to find out, I dive beneath the water to escape them...
How clever am I?
Underwater I can hear the clinking of tea cups and the boiling of kettles...
The sea horses are getting ready for afternoon tea and I am NOT invited!!
Although slightly cross I am also more curious as to how they manage it!
How CAN it be possible? Should I swim down to check it out?
For a moment I consider it, but then remember that fish supper...
Something that I really don't intend to miss out on!
Being a mermaid is not what it's cut out to be – so I head back to shore.
Clambering back across the pebbles wistfully towards my towel!
Oh my. How hot the sun is. How hot my head is!!
I look back towards the sea one last time...
The sea horses are waving and raising their tea cups.
There are dolphins out there too and they have cake, damn them...
Next time I return I'll ensure that I'm a jelly fish, then see how they like it!
Next time I'll be a whale or a shark...
Next time, perhaps, I'll also wear a sun hat.

TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE is copyright Paul Chandler, 2010.

AS PROMISED - ANOTHER NEW POEM ETC.

As promised here is another new poem from the DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS collection, which is due out next month. I am also going to remind you of the two main sites where you can watch all my recent videos (and some of the old ones).

YOUTUBE LINK: http://www.youtube.com/user/MRSHYYETI
VIMEO LINK: http://vimeo.com/shyyeti/videos

These links take you to videos I have made for my poems, some live performances and also to the 6 episodes of SUTTON PARK SW1 that I have made, so far, this year - which although not directly linked to my poetry does feature it as a plot point in certain episodes (such as one of my poetry books turning up from the future and causing a time anomoly, you know that normal kind of thing...)

The SUTTON PARK blog and FACEBOOK group can be found at the following links:

SUTTON PARK blog: http://www.suttonpark.blogspot.com/

SUTTON PARK (TV show) Facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sutton-Park/236167296188?ref=ts&v=wall#!/group.php?v=wall&gid=112929612062435

The new poem is a bit of a sombre one - about people who are in relationships that have gone on for decades simply because they don't feel they have any other option... I promise the next poem will be a cheerier one!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

NOT SEEING ANYBODY ELSE…

We’re not seeing anybody else –
We have made a solemn pact…
We’ve been dating for a while –
And we don’t seem to have cracked!
We have learnt each other’s foibles –
Made some optimistic tweaks…
Could it be we’re almost perfect?
Well, it’s not been that many weeks…
There’s enough evidence before us…
At least to hope we’ve got a chance!
Any problems can be ironed out –
Through some sly hypnotic trance!
Or perhaps we’ll turn a blind eye…
To any faults that come our way!
We’ve not been seeing anybody else –
And have no secrets to betray!


We’re not seeing anybody else –
No, we’re not in the dating game…
Whilst we see how we develop –
An item, true, in all but name…
Yes, we have learnt how to exist –
Living close, but far apart!
We don’t call to say “I love you…”
Quite as much as at the start…
And yet the evidence suggests –
That we’ve a happy life ahead!
Although you never can be certain –
What fate may hold in store instead!
Still, it’s better to be hopeful…
Not so cynical of mind…
We’re not seeing anybody else –
For such an act would feel unkind!


We’re not seeing anybody else –
And we’re content to stay that way…
Things are easier lost in limbo –
It makes the day pass by okay…
We have found ourselves a routine –
That we can live with more or less…
You compliment my cooking –
And I teach you how to dress!
I’ve been introduced to mother –
And it seems she did approve…
I’ve really cut back on the swearing…
Could it be things might improve?
Could it be our future’s brighter?
And that we’re in for better weather?
We’re not seeing anybody else…
So we may as well just stay together…


We’re not seeing anybody else –
And that’s the way it will remain!
We don’t attempt to window shop…
Nor let intentions ever wane…
We ended up this little couple –
But we can’t quite remember how…
It is much too late to change things –
No, I’m not keen to have a row…
We’re quite content to stay an item –
It’s one less hassle to arrange!
I know that sounds quite apathetic –
Kind of weird or rather strange…
But we both share a kind of love…
That you could say is hard to find!
We’re not seeing anybody else –
Our ambitions long since left behind…

NOT SEEING ANYBODY ELSE is Copyright Paul Chandler 2010 and appears in his new collection: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? which is published on www.lulu.com in early May 2010.

SUTTON PARK AND A NEW POEM FROM DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

Hi,

First off  I'm going to briefly mention my spoof B-movie series, SUTTON PARK SW1 - simply because I showcase my SOUPCON OF SHY YETI book as part of the plot. This hasn't been the first mention of my poetry in the show since it came back; as it is now part of the history of the character that I play; which is a fictional version of myself. Part 5 has my latest book showing up and causing a time anomoly!! It's true... I can't really explain it any more than that because it is simply extremely daft. The poetry spoof-sci-fi action continues into Part 6, due to be posted somewhen in April.

Here is the link to Part 5 where the book shows up for the first time:

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0NJ9l1O_oA

Vimeo: http://vimeo.com/10551587

As promised I will also be posting up a few new poems (approx one a week) from the new DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS collection, which is due out in early May. There will also be a new poetry video during April to highlight the arrival of the new book, which is currently in the final stages of proofreading.

This week's poem is called YOU COULD BE MY PIN-UP, which takes the idea of being a pin-up to the most absurd levels...

I hope you like it - they'll be more soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

YOU COULD BE MY PIN-UP…


Now, you could be my pin-up…
If you’re looking for some action!
You’ve a face for bedroom walls –
And there’s an obvious attraction…
You shouldn’t be at all surprised –
If you soon break a million hearts!
Or become the centre of attention –
For horrid hate-mail or for darts!
Because you can’t predict responses –
Be they fuelled by love or hate…
Yours may be a face they puke at –
You may be their one dream date!
So, if you’d like to be my pin-up…
Take your place upon my wall!
I’d be honoured now to host you –
It is my pleasure; not at all!!


Oh, you could be my pin-up…
If you’re looking for a job!
Pin yourself upon my wall –
But you will have to shut your gob!
You will have to keep it buttoned –
Gurn inanely nine to five!
If your adhesive loses stick –
Then you may have to take a dive!
Also, stuck up by the window –
You must be a little crafty!
Wear some insulated pants –
In case it gets a little draughty!
You can be my lucky charm!
You can be next week’s big face!
Just be my pin-up of the moment –
Before you vanish without trace!


So, you could be my pin-up –
If you’re looking for some fun…
Upon the wall you may diminish –
Or soon be faded by the sun…
Over time you may grow tatty –
Or be tarnished by a tear…
May become a fashion victim –
With your awful noughties hair!
It’s just something you must live with –
Or it could be your sad undoing!
Just accept that you’ll be patched up –
Or may need a spot of gluing!
Yes, that’s the sad fate of the pin-up…
Don’t it feel like time just flew!
Soon you’ll feel like you’re forgotten –
To be replaced by someone new!


Hey! You could be my pin-up –
If you’re looking for some work…
You can sit upon my desk –
Just simply grinning like a berk!
Yes, still there upon my calendar –
With your cheeky little smile…
Simply staring at me working –
Not ever resting for a while…
You can weigh down all my clutter –
You can be my sticky tape!
You can be my paper clip –
Or wear an outfit made of crepe!
You’ll still be my favourite person –
Even when you’re long since gone…
You’ll still be my special pin-up!
You’ll always be my number one…

YOU CAN BE MY PIN-UP is Copyright Paul Chandler 2010.

BECOMING MORE LIKE A CAT...

Hi,

Just a quick post and a new poem - it's a first draft and was only written a day or two ago and will appear in the DEATH OF LOVE collection towards the end of the year. It was inspired by a cat called Nightshade and is about how humans end up becoming more like their cats; the reverse of the old adage that cats become more human from hanging around with us people.

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS is due to be published in May - I am doing the final proofing at the moment and during April aim to post a number of poems from this collection - as well as releasing a new video containing poems just from this new collection.

I hope you enjoy the new poem.

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS The cat in the picture is my now very big puss, Deeley when he was a kitten, with his mother Juanita and siblings.

BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE


I'm becoming more cat-like as time shuffles on…
I'm beginning to wonder quite where I belong…
Yes, the branch of a tree or a spot by the fire…
Seems the sort of snug place for this lad to retire…
As I stretch out my paws and dream sweet dreams of fish –
With my breath tuna fresh; I need food in my dish…
Still, I have to consider the fact now; just that…
I simply don't have nine lives - no, I'm not yet a cat...


I'm becoming more cat-like as time passes by…
When it comes to catnip I have never been shy…
I'm beginning to get me a definite purr!
I've no shame when I lie back to flourish my fur…
I have found me a nice post to get me a scratch…
For the hound who's next door I am hardly a match!
On my red velvet cushion I'm happily sat…
Every day getting rounder and more like a cat!


I'm becoming more cat-like as months turn to years –
I've a twitch in my whiskers; a flea in my ears…
With one eye on my bowl and the swish of my tail…
My attempt to catch mice it is destined to fail!
With the fierce local Tom I got into a ruck –
In the cat flap my head got unfortunately stuck…
Yet I find every day life so decidedly flat…
As each week I grow steadily more like a cat…


I'm becoming more cat-like; I really don't mind…
To exist as a person is simply a bind…
Yes, the dull daily grind is the ultimate bore –
And from now on those ways I will simply ignore!
I will sharpen my claws and most plaintively mew –
I will bid my farewell to the commuter belt queue…
I'll just lie on my back; let you wobble my fat!
Oh, how could I regret time now spent as a cat...

BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE is Copyright Paul Chandler 2010

NEW VIDEOS - UPCOMING POETRY SHOWS...

Hi,

Just a quick post to post a couple of links to recent videos that I've posted on both youtube and vimeo.com

The first is for the 2nd part of my series SUTTON PARK SW1 - which only has a tenuous link to my poetry in that I play a poet called Paul aka Shy Yeti!! You can read more about the making of this episode at http://www.suttonpark.blogspot.com/ - however the links to the episode are below:

SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 2

Vimeo link:    http://www.vimeo.com/9184172
Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0brkxlOIaCI

I should add that there are a couple more poetic reasons for watching this episode and they are as follows:

a) at one stage you see the original version of my book JUNK/FOOD in the spiral bound version that it was available in from 2002 until I discovered Lulu in late 2005.

b) A short passage of a poem from JUNK/FOOD - CARELESS TALK COSTS is read during the episode. I intend to post the full version of this at the end of this post.

The next episode of SUTTON PARK SW1 is due toward the end of this month.

The next of my SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos is also now completed and was posted on monday. This one has a Valentine's day theme and was recorded earlier this month and includes the poems: BLUE EYED LOVER, HOPELESS ROMANTIC, WHY AGNES - YOU'RE LOVELY and A LEARNING EXPERIENCE; not to mention various silly interviews and worship of cupcakes! (You think I'm joking - just watch and see!) The links are as follows:

SHY YETI'S VALENTINES SPECIAL...

Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhR_PljZay8
Vimeo link: www.vimeo.com/groups/1241/videos/9347050

Elsewhere I have been busy preparing for my slot during the MEDICINE MOUTH - LOVED UP show which is happening tonight. Hopefully I will be reading 12 love themed poems - but more about that next week. I am also hoping to return to The Poetry Cafe for their open mike night on Tuesday 16th February - where I'll probably read some of the poems I read at MEDICINE MOUTH and maybe new poem: CUPCAKE... Posters for my gig on March 6th went up at The Poetry Cafe on wednesday 10th February! I know, because I put them up myself! :)

As for the next poetry collection - DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS - proofreading continues and I am still intending to release the book in May at my book launch. I am also working on a number of new poems for THE DEATH OF LOVE - the most recent poems, which I finished this week is called: YOUR HIGH-KICKING DAYS ARE OVER, DARLING... However I have about another 20 poems at different stages of completion.

Anyway - that's all the news I have for now - more next week! I'll let you know how things go tonight and at the open-mike night, if everything goes to plan! :)

To finish with here is the poem CARELESS TALK COSTS - recently revived on SUTTON PARK SW1, but going right back into my poetry archives...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx


CARELESS TALK COSTS…

Careless talk costs!
Careless chatter!
Swapping tales,
Washroom natter!
Careless stories -
Careless fibbing.
Innuendo!
Constant ribbing!


Careless talk costs!
Careless jarring!
Pretty soon,
Best friends are sparring!
Careless questions -
Careless lies!
This weeks gossip!
No surprise!


Careless talk costs!
Careless quips.
Words of loathing,
Silly slips.
Careless murmurs -
Careless queries!
Chuckles – laughter…
Lurid theories!


Careless talk costs!
Debating views!
Just wait until -
You're front page news!
Careless snorts -
Becoming hated!
Careless talk,
Can well be fated!


Careless talk costs!
Careless stalker,
The perils of -
A careless talker!
Careless talk!
A careless word,
Cut your tongue out!
How absurd…

From JUNK/FOOD (2002), available from http://www.lulu.com/ as JUNK/FOOD - ROLLERCOASTER..

MORE POEMS ABOUT CATS - ANOTHER GIG AND MORE VIDEOS...

Hello again! Having begun to read the poem: MY SELFISH CAT on my last SHY YETI ON LOCATION video I decided it'd be nice to post it in full on the blog now it is complete. It's not actually a poem from the next book - but one which should appear in LA MORT D'AMOUR later in 2010. That said, I promise that I'll post something from DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS very soon.

As of yesterday I began work on the next episode of SHY YETI ON LOCATION, making the best use possible of the snow that fell early on the 13th January. I've decided on a theme of snow for the next episode - but not necessarily reading poems which are specifically about snow; just mention it in passing. In fact some of the poems that I have chosen I have never read live before - or certainly not in the last couple of years. I'm hoping to complete all the footage by the end of the week and begin editing over the weekend - so there should be a new episode up sometime next week.

Meanwhile, back on the book front I am now aiming to have DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS ready for release around the 6th March 2010 - which is the date, I can now confirm, of my next gig!

More news when I have it. Until then, here's the new poem - I hope you like it! :)

MY SELFISH CAT…

Written: 07-14/01/2010


My old cat's so selfish -
He is always on the take...
I always get his dinner -
But he never buys me cake!
No, he never does a thing!
He never turns a thought to me!
He never pops the kettle on -
Just in case I'd like some tea!
Yes, he plays his music loudly -
The greatest hits of moggies mewing!
Well, he could still do stuff like that -
But also have a nice pot brewing!
No, he never makes the bed up…
He never hoovers round the flat!
There is no-one quite as thoughtless -
As my fat old selfish cat!


My old cat's so selfish -
No, he don't appreciate...
If I dress him in the morning -
That I get to work dead late!
Can't he do such chores himself -
Or give his fur a thorough brush?
Cut his toe-nails with the clippers?
So I'm not left in such a rush!
But he can only see it his way -
Yes, fast asleep there on the bed!
He doesn't care that we need money -
Just as long as he gets fed!
I let him live here in my home -
Who wears the trousers in this flat?
Who is it says what's what?
It is my fat old selfish cat!!


My old cat's so selfish -
He's a feline lazy bones…
But he never hears a word…
Despite my grumpiest of moans!
No, he never takes the litter out…
No, he never pays his way!
No, he never goes to work…
Oh, such an arrogant display!
I think he does it just to spite me…
He never passes the remote!
If he doesn't pay his taxes -
Then he shouldn't get to vote!
He just sits there like a god…
Just so austere upon his mat!
With his disapproving whiskers -
It's my fat old selfish cat!


My old cat's so selfish…
He is always on the make!
He keeps pushing at my patience -
And very soon it's going to break!
He's always snapping at my heels -
I wish he'd just mew something nice!
Even when it is my birthday -
He won't share with me his mice!
But like an idiot I love him -
Safe on the sofa and content…
He won't even clear his litter!
It's not as if I charge him rent!
If he keeps on the way he's going -
Then we're going to have a spat!
Oh, my love so unrequited…
By that fat old selfish cat!


Yeti hugs,
Paul xx

HAPPY CHRISTMAS FROM THE DAFFY POET!!

Hello...

Just a quick hello and a chance to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Thank you to everybody who has supported me this year - either by coming to my gigs, buying a book, accompanying me to open mike nights because it's scary going on my own, reading the blog or just chuckling when a read you a silly poem in person or sending me a nice bit of feedback when I emailed you one... Extra-special thanks this year especially go to Kirk, Calum, Robert, Nick, Neph, Tom and Harry for their help and support when I was putting books together or practicing for my gigs. For a shy yeti such as myself to even be doing gigs all on my lonesome is a big step and so I'm very happy to look back and feel I've achieved quite a bit in the last 12 months...

2009 has been my most prolific year ever, I would think - at least poetting wise! The final total is yet undetermined, but I have completed more than 175 poems so far this year; however I'm sure I'll write a few more before the end of the year. I'm really happy with how things are going - to have published three new collections, with a 4th one on the way and another in the very early stages feel a very positive thing! I'm also really pleased that I put together my SHY YETI RULES O.K. collection as a slimmer volume that I'm happy introduces my poetry in a confidant manner. All these projects (not to mention my day job and Mouse of Commons work!) certainly kept me off the streets; except for when I've gone out onto the streets to take daft photos to illustrate the poems - but that's just fun.

Aside from writing the individual poems these are some of the highlights of the year for me...

JANUARY: Putting the finishing touches to IF POEMS WERE PIES and making starting the new year off with a visit to the Poetry Cafe open-mike night.

FEBRUARY: Publishing IF POEMS WERE PIES and starting my next collection CAVEMAN LOGIC...

MARCH: My first gig at The Poetry Cafe to celebrate the launch of IF POEMS WERE PIES, another trip to POETRY UNPLUGGED - whilst I already have 50 new poems almost ready for CAVEMAN LOGIC... On top of all that I also put together a new compilation of my poems since 1992 called SHY YETI RULES O.K.

APRIL: Out and about over the Easter holidays taking photos for my books and posing with SHY YETI RULES O.K. as I write the final few poems for CAVEMAN LOGIC.

MAY: CAVEMAN LOGIC is almost complete and I begin to work on THE SHY LIFE, whilst taking loads of photos on various days out as we move towards summer...

JUNE: More trips away to Hull, Bridlington and Beverley - so more photos and more poems for THE SHY LIFE... CAVEMAN LOGIC comes out late in the month, a couple of weeks earlier than expected! I have also begun to use BLOGTV to preview some of my new poems...

JULY: I spend a lot of time on BLOGTV trying out some of my new poems and on the 12th July have my first book launch of the year for all the new books, including my latest Mouse of Commons collection of short stories.

AUGUST: Two and a half weeks of this month are spent overseas - travelling from Munich along the Danube to Vienna and then onto Budapest. Loads of photos taken, a couple of poems completed, THE SHY LIFE is proofread and much fun is had too! :) I am also preparing for my next gig...

SEPTEMBER: CAVEMAN LOGIC gig and BLOGTV gig are the two biggest highlights - as well as a return to open-mike night towards the end of the month and the start of my next collection DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?...

OCTOBER: My long weekend in Nice at the start of the month provides me with some new poems and plenty of photos for DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? (to be published early next year!) and the finishing touches are made to THE SHY LIFE.

NOVEMBER: THE SHY LIFE is published - another book launch and a trip to Krakow for my birthday which provides both photos and inspiration for DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

DECEMBER: Work on DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? continues, as I begin my next collection: LA MORT D'AMOUR/THE DEATH OF LOVE and post two Christmas poems from this new project...

As far as 2010 is concerned, I hope to be doing another gig in the spring and would like to go to a few more open-mike nights, not only at THE POETRY CAFE. I'd also like to go on BLOGTV a bit more again and try out some of the new poems from DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? before the book is finished. On the books front DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? should be published by March and I'll also keep working on LA MORT D'AMOUR/THE DEATH OF LOVE and see how that goes. 2010 is also the 10th anniversary of the first MOUSE OF COMMONS novel, so I want to do more mousey work to mark that occasion and the next book: POSTCARDS FROM MCWHISKERS should be out before the summer.

Unless I come up with something marvellous before new year - this may be my last post of 2009, so I want to finish with something new. As mentioned when I posted BLACKMAILING SANTA last week - my second Christmas offering is a rather dark and possibly quite depressing poem called CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS. I hope you enjoy it and the idea of a skeleton family celebrating (or not) Christmas isn't too disturbing for you. I'm sure Christmas Dr Who will be twice as unnerving - so it's just something to get you in the spooky festive mood!

I hope to post something more on the MOUSE OF COMMONS blog before Christmas - so do check that out around Christmas eve time...

Thanks again for all your support this year and if you didn't support me, then shame on you - I'd say Santa will come and spank you, but people like you probably enjoy that sort of thing! Tut! :)

Bye for now. Merry Christmas and a Happy 2010!!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

PS I do hope you enjoy some of the festive photos posted here - as usual some of them have that certain shy yeti something! (ie: pulling daft and silly faces!!)

CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS


Christmastime for Mr Skeleton –
Isn’t like for you and I...
He has to steal to get his tinsel…
For he has no pennies left to buy!
But decorations are essential –
Yes, it’s all he seems to need…
He can't enjoy Christmas like we do…
Because he cannot really feed!
Give him pudding if you like –
But see it slide back out again…
Watch gravy dripping off his bones –
It's simply better to abstain!
He may once upon a time have –
Quite adored some festive cake…
But alas, it's now not practical…
Crumbs! It’s a very bad mistake!
Yes, even just a glass of port –
It may really prove a danger!
Leaving dribbles on the floor –
Could there be a sight more stranger?
With decorations through each ear –
And a fairy on his head…
With a bauble for an eyeball –
Because it makes him feel less dead!
A crimson garland round his neck...
A little glitter on his clothes!
A string of lights across his shoulders –
And a fir cone up his nose!
He tries his hardest that’s for sure –
And he is certainly no slacker!
At least he’s never gonna choke –
Upon the contents of a cracker!
It’s just quite hard to be excited –
Or to embrace some Christmas cheer!
When it’s just not in your bones –
And you can’t grab a sneaky beer!
Well, he does his very best…
Despite the mess he may create!
Despite all the trials life deals –
When he’s early – still he’s late!


Christmastime for Mrs Skeleton –
Isn’t like for normal types…
So much mess goes on the floor!
She is awash with kitchen wipes!
Modern ways have not caught on –
Even though she now is dead!
With her husband fast asleep –
There’s still the budgie to be fed!
If she had her way she’d skip this –
It only gets her in a state…
She just looks silly decked in holly…
The dead don’t need to decorate…
No, they should lie within their graves –
And simply get some well-earned rest…
Maybe play a round of Snap…
But there’s no need for Sunday best!
There is no need to have the folks round;
There is no need to entertain…
Mrs S. she doesn’t want it –
For what on earth, now, can they gain?
Oh, what need they now with presents?
Yes, why need they swap a gift?
Mr S. still has his views –
“It simply gives the year a lift!”
It’s very easy though to say it…
But so much harder to arrange…
Mrs S she sits and dreams –
She’s really hoping for a change…
She will no longer wear that tinsel –
Keep stray baubles in her head…
No, she will face up to the fact –
That she’s okay with being dead!
Because this season ain’t for shopping –
It just wears out her bony feet…
It’s not for slaving in the kitchen –
On food she cannot ever eat!
There is no need for party games –
Nor to start that New Year diet!
This year all she wants for Christmas –
Is just a little peace and quiet…




CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS and all poems in this blog are copyright to Paul Chandler 2009.