Hello beasties!
This time we're here to celebrate Christmas and we have our "traditional" Christmas script to present to you, for a start... When I say "traditional" I don't mean that it is traditionally Christmassy - more that we do something most years! Those of you (and I know there are at least one!) who have been reading this blog for years will know that my Christmas poems and stories can be a trifle blood-thirsty; but then Toby and I do tend to either watch Christmas ghost stories or horror films over the festive season. I know I'm not the only one either...
Anyway, so - this is our attempt to celebrate Christmas - but I can assure you that there are going to be a fair few Christmas-related podcasts out over the next week or two; that and our "traditional" 2018 Podcast Review Of The Year. By this we mean - THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - I'm pretty sure other podcasts have had good years in 2018 (Round The Archives!, Big Fatty Online!, The Smellcast!, LOTSL!, That's A Shame! etc.) but this is a chance to look back over the last year of OUR show...
The review episodes are coming up soon - but not quite yet, we have other episodes to tell you about first...
Anyway, so - this is our attempt to celebrate Christmas - but I can assure you that there are going to be a fair few Christmas-related podcasts out over the next week or two; that and our "traditional" 2018 Podcast Review Of The Year. By this we mean - THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - I'm pretty sure other podcasts have had good years in 2018 (Round The Archives!, Big Fatty Online!, The Smellcast!, LOTSL!, That's A Shame! etc.) but this is a chance to look back over the last year of OUR show...
The review episodes are coming up soon - but not quite yet, we have other episodes to tell you about first...
Here we are for episode 213! Paul takes time out to catch up with Cuthbert - to find out about his favourite TV, music, food, books etc. There are also poems - but it is Cuthbert who is going to be reading them; he does a pretty good job too!! Our next episode, number 214 is the first of our LIVE Pride48 shows for December 2018!! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018. Episode 213 was recorded between 14th and 15th November 2018, with clips from 1994 episodes of SUTTON PARK.
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
213: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-213-catching-up-with-cuthbert-the-robot
Following #213 we officially declare the beginning of Christmas with our first live episode of December...
Here we are for episode 214! Paul receives exciting news during the December 2018 Live show - Sunday 16th December 2018. When broadcast there were some technical problems - but this version of the show is complete and also contains extra material. Thanks to everyone in the chat-room and also to Harry for telling us more about his song-writing! Our next episode, number 215 will be our official Christmas Special - although we always do quite a few special Christmas episodes around this time of year; and 2018 is going to be no different! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler. All content of this episode - except clips from other podcasts - are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018. Episode 214 was recorded live on 16th December 2018, with inserts recorded on 10th December and extra material recorded on 11th November 2018. This episode also contains clips from recent episodes of That's A Shame podcast and a clip from a 1994 episode of SUTTON PARK.
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
214: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-214-live-pride48-show-december-2018
Our first live episode of December is closely followed by our official Christmas Special...
Here we are for episode 215! Paul is distracted by events from the December live show and is too busy to notice that Ikk is upset! We catch up with some Christmassy guests, make a return to local radio and hear what Paul got up to on Christmas Day 1996! All this and much much MORE!!! Our next episode, number 216 is our LIVE breakfast show broadcast on Christmas Day 2018; our 2nd LIVE episode of December!! Do join us, won't you?! Thank you to everyone involved in the making of this special edition of the show! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti, Luca and The Seaford Singers. Sound effects by Paul Chandler and Soundbible. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2018. Episode 215 was recorded between the 26th November and 15th December 2018 - with Sutton Park clips from Christmas Day 1996.
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
215: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-215-ding-dong-merrily-on-shy-yeti-2018-christmas-special
Time for some recent news... On Saturday 15th December 2018 I got to make a return to Radio Wey with Tim and Nathan for a 2 hour Christmas Special; parts of it which you will hear on THE SHY LIFE PODCAST Christmas episode and probably as extra material on the Christmas Day LIVE show. I can confirm that Yeti Uncle John also made an appearance or three on the show and there was a revelation about his on/off relationship with the Riverside Pub pianist, Gladys. I also got to read four of my poems, as follows:
A LITTLE MOUSE
BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE
JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU
THE UNAFFORDABLE FJORD
Moving on! We do have a script coming up - so I don't want to say too much else this time... However writing this post it has inspired me to share with you a little list; with links - of all our Christmas-related posts over the years. There are a few gems out there, although many have been reproduced in my books over the years! Still... You can read them free here; so why not take a look!?!
SHY YETI'S CHRISTMAS BLOGS
A quick look at Mr Yeti's Christmas blog-posts over the years!!
A quick look at Mr Yeti's Christmas blog-posts over the years!!
2003:
This year we released a poem called WICKED SANTA...
WICKED SANTA:
This year we released a poem called WICKED SANTA...
WICKED SANTA:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2003_12_07_archive.html
Christmas was mentioned a few times during posts between 2004 and 2008 - but there wasn't any specific posts for the season; however this is the 10th year that we've done a regular Christmas post!
2009
Christmas was mentioned a few times during posts between 2004 and 2008 - but there wasn't any specific posts for the season; however this is the 10th year that we've done a regular Christmas post!
2009
This year we released two poems for the season!
BLACKMAILING SANTA:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2009_12_13_archive.html
CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2009_12_20_archive.html
2010
This year we released a piece of prose called SANTAS DON'T TEXT...
SANTAS DON'T TEXT:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2010_12_19_archive.html#1550681153766293059
2011
There were two poems released around Christmas 2011!
SANTA'S BIT ON THE SIDE:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2011_12_18_archive.html
TAKE CARE WHEN GIVING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2011_12_25_archive.html
2012
There were also two posts for Christmas in 2012 - the first was more to do with one of my Youtube videos from that time - the second was a poem:
CHRISTMAS POST:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2012_12_16_archive.html
HIS CHRISTMAS CARDS:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2012_12_23_archive.html
2013
Christmas in 2013 was decidedly gory! Hooray!!
TINSEL:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2013_12_22_archive.html#8160810531539464920
2014
2014 was the first year that we began our current tradition of sharing with you a Christmas script...
BEAST OF FRIENDS CHRISTMAS SCRIPT:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2014_12_14_archive.html
2015
There were all manner of Christmas posts back in 2015 - the first was a script from my HOT STUFF!! series and the second was a prose piece and some seasonal photos.
HOT STUFF!! - A PROLOGUE
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2015_12_13_archive.html
PROOF OF THE PUDDING:
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2015_12_20_archive.html
2016
2016 saw the first of our Mouse Of Commons themed Christmas scripts (2018 sees our 3rd!), but there are also alll manner of Christmas photos and the like...
SHY YETI AND THE MANY CHRISTMAS PRANKS OF CHARLIE GRRR...
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2016_12_18_archive.html
2017
Last year saw our second Mouse Of Commons Christmas script...
GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE CHRISTMAS STAR...
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2017_12_24_archive.html#8779332721224506760
...and, of course, our 2018 Christmas script is coming up at the end of this post!!
Next time I post here it'll probably be 2019 - or very close to it... How time flaps!!
That's all for now - except for the script and for a chance to say...
HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Thank you, again - so much for your support during 2018!
Take care - more soon,
Yeti hugs,
Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx
PS You're unlikely to have noticed because you don't get to see the same facts and figures as I do - but we are rapidly approaching our 500th post on SHY YETI'S SHY PLACE... It won't be until late January or early February, but I am hoping to come up with some way in which we can somehow celebrate this milestone!
COMING SOON!!
Here we are in late December and there are plenty of episodes in store and we're constantly recording new shows for you! Our schedule list does tend to change every time I post, but this is a good guide! This month we also have a number of Christmas episodes for you which will be released somewhere during this schedule! Anyway - take a look at what we have in store...
Anyway, here is our current schedule!
216. Live Christmas Day Breakfast Show 2018
Mr Yeti broadcasts live from space on Christmas Day!
217-218. Review Of The Show - 2018 Pt 1 and 2
The first two episodes of a four-part look at THE SHY LIFE PODCAST in 2018 with clips and special guests...
219. Live New Year's Eve Show 2018
Mr Yeti broadcasts live from space on New Year's Eve - but can he make it home in time for 2019
220-221. Review Of The Show - 2018 Pt 3 and 4
The final two episodes of a four-part look at THE SHY LIFE PODCAST in 2018 with clips and special guests...
222. A Festive Diary
Paul's audio diary recorded between Christmas Eve and New Year's Day!
223. The Day Shy Yeti Took Over Big Fatty Online
Behind the scenes of the day that Mr Yeti volunteered to take over the BFO just for one episode!
224. Shy Yeti Meets George In Atlanta
This time Mr Yeti talks with George In Atlanta.
225. Bits and bobs
A compilation of lots of clips from The Shy Life Podcast - old and new which are still residing on Paul's phone! All this and we catch up with our American correspondent in France - who is no longer in France!!
226. The Big Films Of 1972
Just for a change Nick and Paul discuss films - this time looking at the year 1972; also Aly (Nick's wife) chats to Paul about some of her favourite films and stage-plays. Recorded 27/10/18.
227. Sing-a-long-a-Shy-Yeti!
Behind the scenes on what happened when Harry tries to audition a members of The Shy Life Podcast to sing a tune for him!
228. Music And Movies From 1999
This time Mr Yeti talks with Leigh Robertson from Chewing The Cud about the big music and movies of 1999.
229. The Dragon And The Cacti!
Paul and Yeti Uncle John check in on Dragon Albert to see how he is getting on with Bert and Gert; John presumes that it will be a bit of a rescue mission - but they are both shocked by all that they find!!
230. The Truth About The Murder Mystery Weekend!
It has taken a while but now we finally seem to have some answers about what ACTUALLY happened at the Murder Mystery Weekend back in October 2018 and the answers are REALLY going to shock you!
231. If Poems Were Pies - 10th Anniversary
The first of three 10 year poetry anniversaries for Mr Yeti during 2019.
### Additionally:
There will - most probably - be live shows every month; maybe even more than one closer to Christmas; but we also have plenty of other episodes either in planning or partially recorded.
### Valentine's Episode 2019
Love is in the air on The Shy Life Podcast - but will everything go to plan!?
### The New Caretaker / "Where's Me Booook!?"
What with Yeti Uncle John often being up in space - Bettina gives Paul the details of a caretaker who used to work on her Estate... It seems like a good idea until it becomes evident that this gentleman swings from being extremely lazy to shovelling every last thing into a bin bag... What ever will happen when he reaches the basement and finds all the tat in Cromitty's laboratory; what will happen to all those priceless Sutton Park tapes? For that matter will Cuthbert make it through the night!?!
### The Return Of Dameus The Interviewer
Dameus interviews all manner of podcasting celebrities as part of his return to the chat-show circuit.
### Re-connecting With The Past
Paul catches up with Cromitty and Martin and is excited to learn that Cuthbert has a few added advances that makes it possible to re-connect with the past via old episodes of SUTTON PARK... Ikk is slightly doubtful about it all - but he and Paul soon get to experience the process first-hand.
### Whatever Happened To Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion!?
Paul and the team receive a tip-off about an elusive acquaintance of theirs - Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion who went missing under mysterious circumstances some time ago... Will they be able to find him with the help of Martin and his detective pals!?
### Bettina and the robot butler
This episode sees Paul visiting Bettina only to find out that the house has recently become robotically automated; also Wifey Jo play a card game with Cuthbert.
### The Great Bingo Scam
Someone is rigging the bingo so that they win - is it one of the regulars or someone more sinister?
### The Continuing Mystery Of Long Lost Cousin Algernon
A number of episodes that involve Martin's investigation into Long Lost Cousin Algernon. What will he find?
### Tales Of Deadiegrams
The regulars share their memories of times when they have encountered Deadiegrams in odd situations.
### Brocante Saves The Day?
Bettina needs to sell some of her treasures and Brocante The Antique Dealer is called in - but can he save the day?
### Gordon The Crypt-keeper In Need!
Gordon is back - but he has recently lost his job! Mr Yeti does his best to try and help him out...
### More About The Alien Book
We learn a little more about The Alien Book which made Ikk so unwell at the start of the year - but, of course - things are never simple.
### Charlie Grrr and The Pie With The Pastry Plumage!
If all goes to plan with a trip to Venice in May then I plan to a record a pie-related giallo spoof with Charlie Grrr and some of the other regulars! I can promise that it'll be super silly...
### Caveman Logic and The Shy Life - 10th Anniversary shows
The second and third of three 10 year poetry anniversaries for Mr Yeti during 2019.
### Digging Into Unheard Of Places
Paul digs through the archives to find a few interesting conversations that never made it onto shows. This episode has been postponed due to technical difficulties during summer 2018 and was replaced with another episode, but will be rescheduled once more material has been set aside.
A SPECIAL GUEST AT CHRISTMAS...
Mouse Of Commons Christmas Special 2018
Shh... Shh... Shh... You'll give us away...
DEELEY: (mouthing)
Sorry! Sorry! But my question remains - WHAT can you see?
OLIVER: (carefully/considered)
Well, it's hard to say this without sounding like I'm making it up...
DEELEY: (encouraging)
Go on... I won't judge...
OLIVER: (calmly)
Well, I can see Santa...
DEELEY: (confused)
Someone dressed as Santa, do you mean?
OLIVER: (correcting him)
That's not what I said... Gladstone McWhiskers doesn't have time for just ANY Santa...
DEELEY: (taken aback)
Wow! So it's the REAL one? Are you SURE? Maybe it's just someone famous or important who happens to be dressed up...
OLIVER:
It's a theory, I admit, Deels - but I'm not buying it...
DEELEY: (with a grin)
Pft! Everyone's a critic!
OLIVER: (almost to himself)
I guess it was inevitable that Santa was going to show up at some stage...
DEELEY: (still not ready to believe)
Are you sure it's not Charlie Grrr in the middle of some sort of promotional campaign? A Christmas album, say?
OLIVER: (chuckling)
Why don't you go in there and pull his beard; just to see one way or another?
DEELEY:
I'm not sure I like the sound of that... Hey! I've had another thought... If it's not Charlie Grrr then maybe it's that Ukk The Alien; he's a shape-changer, isn't he?
OLIVER: (correcting him)
IKK!
DEELEY: (surprised)
Oh! What's up? Did you swallow a cob-web?
OLIVER: (indignant)
No! Ikk... Ikk is his name, NOT Ukk!
DEELEY: (apologetically)
Oh... Right... Apologies! I probably should have known that - I have met him...
OLIVER:
Don't you LIVE with him?
DEELEY:
Well - only when he's not living in his space ship...
OLIVER:
Which is most weeks, isn't it? Doesn't it break down all the time?
DEELEY: (pleased with himself)
It's what I do best... After all I want to impress Santa!
OLIVER: (teasing)
You're just hoping for some high quality cat-nip; I know you!
DEELEY:
I can't deny it...
OLIVER:
Can you sing?
DEELEY:
Of course I can sing - I'm a cat - cats are ace at singing? Why do you ask?
OLIVER:
Well, it's just I hope you know a carol or two...
DEELEY:
I guess so - you think he'll want me to do a solo?
OLIVER:
He might do, why not!
SUDDENLY GLADSTONE IS SPEAKING AGAIN - THEY HAVE ENTERED THE LOUNGE AREA WHERE THE MOUSE OF COMMONS AND LORDS HAS BEEN ENTERTAINING HIS GUEST...
GLADSTONE:
Come in, guys... Don't dilly-dally...
OLIVER:
Sorry, boss... (Deeley just lets out a little apologetic mew)
GLADSTONE:
So... Santa... I'd like to introduce my good friend and assistant, Oliver Louse - how you've never met him in all the years we've worked together I'll never know...
SANTA: (genuinely pleased)
Pleased to meet you, Oliver...
OLIVER: (curtseying politely)
Honoured, sir... Honoured...
GLADSTONE:
...And this is Deeley... He's a good friend of mine and one of Shy Yeti's closest family...
SANTA: (with approval)
Ah yes! Shy Yeti... Now I've met him... Nessie and I went to one of his poetry shows a while back...
DEELEY: (star-struck)
Wow... WOW!
GLADSTONE:
There really is no need to curtsey, Deeley... Sorry, Santa - the poor fellow is a little over-come...
SANTA: (sympathetically)
There's really no need to be, young puss...
DEELEY: (excitedly)
But you're REAL! Really real! You're not Charlie Grrr in disguise...
OLIVER: (grinning)
Nor even Ikk The Alien in one of his alternative forms... Nope... Santa's just Santa - apologies, sir... But really, Deels - I told you The Boss was good pals with him...
GLADSTONE: (beaming)
Indeed, this is true...
DEELEY:
I see that now! Wow! Wait until I tell my mother...
GLADSTONE: (lowering his voice)
Juanita... She's quite the nicest lady you might care to meet and that's coming from a mouse...
SANTA: (concerned)
You don't get trouble from cats any more, I trust - we live in more enlightened time, I would hope...
GLADSTONE:
Indeed - you would be quite correct...
SANTA: (clearly wishing to move the conversation along)
Pleased to hear it... Anyway, Gladstone - are you going to tell them or should I?
GLADSTONE:
Maybe it's best if I did - they might find it easier to focus; if you don't mind...
SANTA: (nodding his encouragement)
Absolutely... That would be fine...
OLIVER: (keen to please)
What is it, boss? You need something doing?
GLADSTONE:
Well, not me - but Santa does, yes...
OLIVER:
How can we help... Deeley and I would be honoured to assist... (Deeley gives an appreciative mew)
GLADSTONE:
Well, Santa's simply not feeling up to it this year... Not feeling Christmassy, I should say...
OLIVER: (surprised)
Golly! Is he not? I'm so sorry to hear that...
SANTA: (solemnly)
Thank you... It happens some years, I'm afraid... The Big Day comes around so quickly... As you can imagine - it never seems to go away - as soon as one Christmas is done then we're preparing for the next...
DEELEY: (sympathetically)
Blimey... Don't you even get to have a summer holiday?
SANTA:
I have tried - but people usually recognise me... And if I try for a beach holiday then it's just too hot sitting in the sun with this beard?
OLIVER:
Can't you shave it?
GLADSTONE:
It's not allowed... The Santa League is too worried that it won't grow back long enough in time...
SANTA:
...And I can't be seen to be wearing a false one...
OLIVER:
Well, of course not - no...
GLADSTONE:
Anyway! This year Santa is having a rest... Shy Yeti has been drafted in to help out - he and his team will be doing a good deal of the hard work - but we'll also need some help from yourselves...
DEELEY: (befuddled)
US! HELP SANTA!?!
GLADSTONE:
Why, yes... Unless you have any objections...
SANTA:
Ah... Don't be harsh with him, Gladstone - perhaps the boy doesn't believe in me...
GLADSTONE:
Oh... I guess you could be right...
DEELEY: (eager to impress)
No! No! I definitely believe in you... I can see you now - right in front of me!
SANTA:
Well, that's a relief!
OLIVER:
We'd be happy to help!
GLADSTONE: (relieved)
Ah good! So that's decided then... Shy Yeti will do one half of the world - and you and Deeley and will do the other...
SANTA: (in agreement)
Yes... Yes... That sounds fair!
DEELEY: (as shocked as he could be)
HALF THE WORLD!?! JUST OLLIE AND I?
GLADSTONE:
Well... Unless you'd like to take a bigger share - I don't suppose Shy Yeti would mind...
SANTA:
It can definitely be arranged...
OLIVER: (apologetically)
Well, I'll do what I can, but I've been suffering from a bad back recently... I'm sure Deeley won't mind doing some of the harder carrying work; I presume we'll have use of the reindeer...
SANTA:
Of course...
GLADSTONE:
Then we're all good... Any questions, Deeley?
DEELEY: (stammering nervously as he tries to take it all in)
Errr... Well... I... But... But...
SUDDENLY SANTA BEGINS TO CHUCKLE AND THEN GLADSTONE QUICKLY JOINS HIM - EVENTUALLY EVEN OLIVER IS LAUGHING - ONLY THEN DOES DEELEY REALISE THAT HE HAS FALLEN FOR A SILLY CHRISTMAS TRICK...
OH DEAR... Now, I am feeling VERY silly...
OLIVER:
Don't worry - at least you're not wearing a large furry red coat and a false beard for the whole of December!
DEELEY:
No! Mine is grey and white...
SANTA:
Well said, Deeley...
GLADSTONE:
Come on everyone... Time to have some mulled wine, I think - and to begin what I very much hope will be a very merry Christmas...
DEELEY: (enthusiastically)
HO! HO! HO!
OLIVER:
That's not your line...
SANTA:
I don't mind... He does it very well - I'm pretty sure I'd be no good at purring...
This script was written between Monday 27th November and 23rd December 2018, with some rewrites up until time of posting.
Cast:
Gladstone McWhiskers: The Mouse Of Commons and Lords...
Oliver Louse: Gladstone's trusty wood louse assistant...
Bearded Guy: Some guy who delivers presents once a year...
Deeley The Cat: A Cat Friend Of Gladstone and Oliver's...
SETTING: GLADSTONE'S CHAMBERS - THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT
NARRATOR:
SETTING: GLADSTONE'S CHAMBERS - THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT
NARRATOR:
Gladstone McWhiskers has a guest - but his assistant, Oliver Louse and Oliver's cat friend - Deeley (former-aide to both Shy Yeti and Charlie Grrr) are yet to learn who The Mouse Of Commons is hosting; he's being terribly secretive about it and we join Deeley and Oliver as they are doing their best to learn more by peeping through a window above the door to Gladstone's Private Chambers.
DEELEY: (excitedly)
What can you see? What can you see?
OLIVER: (calmly, with authority)
DEELEY: (excitedly)
What can you see? What can you see?
OLIVER: (calmly, with authority)
Shh... Shh... Shh... You'll give us away...
DEELEY: (mouthing)
Sorry! Sorry! But my question remains - WHAT can you see?
OLIVER: (carefully/considered)
Well, it's hard to say this without sounding like I'm making it up...
DEELEY: (encouraging)
Go on... I won't judge...
OLIVER: (calmly)
Well, I can see Santa...
DEELEY: (confused)
Someone dressed as Santa, do you mean?
OLIVER: (correcting him)
That's not what I said... Gladstone McWhiskers doesn't have time for just ANY Santa...
DEELEY: (taken aback)
Wow! So it's the REAL one? Are you SURE? Maybe it's just someone famous or important who happens to be dressed up...
OLIVER:
It's a theory, I admit, Deels - but I'm not buying it...
DEELEY: (with a grin)
Pft! Everyone's a critic!
OLIVER: (almost to himself)
I guess it was inevitable that Santa was going to show up at some stage...
DEELEY: (still not ready to believe)
Are you sure it's not Charlie Grrr in the middle of some sort of promotional campaign? A Christmas album, say?
OLIVER: (chuckling)
Why don't you go in there and pull his beard; just to see one way or another?
DEELEY:
I'm not sure I like the sound of that... Hey! I've had another thought... If it's not Charlie Grrr then maybe it's that Ukk The Alien; he's a shape-changer, isn't he?
OLIVER: (correcting him)
IKK!
DEELEY: (surprised)
Oh! What's up? Did you swallow a cob-web?
OLIVER: (indignant)
No! Ikk... Ikk is his name, NOT Ukk!
DEELEY: (apologetically)
Oh... Right... Apologies! I probably should have known that - I have met him...
OLIVER:
Don't you LIVE with him?
DEELEY:
Well - only when he's not living in his space ship...
OLIVER:
Which is most weeks, isn't it? Doesn't it break down all the time?
BEFORE DEELEY CAN ANSWER HIM, THE DOOR THAT THEY ARE ATTEMPTING TO PEEP THROUGH OPENS WIDE TO REVEAL GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS WHO GIVES THEM A DISAPPROVING STARE; SUDDENLY HE BREAKS OUT IN A WIDE GRINSAND USHERS THEM IN...
GLADSTONE: (welcoming)
Come on in! We have a visitor as I'm sure you are aware... (whispers) Please be on your best behaviour...
OLIVER: (politely)
Of course, boss!
DEELEY: (politely)
Meow-purr...
OLIVER: (whispers)
I don't know what you just said then, Deels - but it sounded awfully cute...
GLADSTONE: (welcoming)
Come on in! We have a visitor as I'm sure you are aware... (whispers) Please be on your best behaviour...
OLIVER: (politely)
Of course, boss!
DEELEY: (politely)
Meow-purr...
OLIVER: (whispers)
I don't know what you just said then, Deels - but it sounded awfully cute...
DEELEY: (pleased with himself)
It's what I do best... After all I want to impress Santa!
OLIVER: (teasing)
You're just hoping for some high quality cat-nip; I know you!
DEELEY:
I can't deny it...
OLIVER:
Can you sing?
DEELEY:
Of course I can sing - I'm a cat - cats are ace at singing? Why do you ask?
OLIVER:
Well, it's just I hope you know a carol or two...
DEELEY:
I guess so - you think he'll want me to do a solo?
OLIVER:
He might do, why not!
SUDDENLY GLADSTONE IS SPEAKING AGAIN - THEY HAVE ENTERED THE LOUNGE AREA WHERE THE MOUSE OF COMMONS AND LORDS HAS BEEN ENTERTAINING HIS GUEST...
GLADSTONE:
Come in, guys... Don't dilly-dally...
OLIVER:
Sorry, boss... (Deeley just lets out a little apologetic mew)
GLADSTONE:
So... Santa... I'd like to introduce my good friend and assistant, Oliver Louse - how you've never met him in all the years we've worked together I'll never know...
SANTA: (genuinely pleased)
Pleased to meet you, Oliver...
OLIVER: (curtseying politely)
Honoured, sir... Honoured...
GLADSTONE:
...And this is Deeley... He's a good friend of mine and one of Shy Yeti's closest family...
SANTA: (with approval)
Ah yes! Shy Yeti... Now I've met him... Nessie and I went to one of his poetry shows a while back...
DEELEY: (star-struck)
Wow... WOW!
GLADSTONE:
There really is no need to curtsey, Deeley... Sorry, Santa - the poor fellow is a little over-come...
SANTA: (sympathetically)
There's really no need to be, young puss...
DEELEY: (excitedly)
But you're REAL! Really real! You're not Charlie Grrr in disguise...
OLIVER: (grinning)
Nor even Ikk The Alien in one of his alternative forms... Nope... Santa's just Santa - apologies, sir... But really, Deels - I told you The Boss was good pals with him...
GLADSTONE: (beaming)
Indeed, this is true...
DEELEY:
I see that now! Wow! Wait until I tell my mother...
GLADSTONE: (lowering his voice)
Juanita... She's quite the nicest lady you might care to meet and that's coming from a mouse...
SANTA: (concerned)
You don't get trouble from cats any more, I trust - we live in more enlightened time, I would hope...
GLADSTONE:
Indeed - you would be quite correct...
SANTA: (clearly wishing to move the conversation along)
Pleased to hear it... Anyway, Gladstone - are you going to tell them or should I?
GLADSTONE:
Maybe it's best if I did - they might find it easier to focus; if you don't mind...
SANTA: (nodding his encouragement)
Absolutely... That would be fine...
OLIVER: (keen to please)
What is it, boss? You need something doing?
GLADSTONE:
Well, not me - but Santa does, yes...
OLIVER:
How can we help... Deeley and I would be honoured to assist... (Deeley gives an appreciative mew)
GLADSTONE:
Well, Santa's simply not feeling up to it this year... Not feeling Christmassy, I should say...
OLIVER: (surprised)
Golly! Is he not? I'm so sorry to hear that...
SANTA: (solemnly)
Thank you... It happens some years, I'm afraid... The Big Day comes around so quickly... As you can imagine - it never seems to go away - as soon as one Christmas is done then we're preparing for the next...
DEELEY: (sympathetically)
Blimey... Don't you even get to have a summer holiday?
SANTA:
I have tried - but people usually recognise me... And if I try for a beach holiday then it's just too hot sitting in the sun with this beard?
OLIVER:
Can't you shave it?
GLADSTONE:
It's not allowed... The Santa League is too worried that it won't grow back long enough in time...
SANTA:
...And I can't be seen to be wearing a false one...
OLIVER:
Well, of course not - no...
GLADSTONE:
Anyway! This year Santa is having a rest... Shy Yeti has been drafted in to help out - he and his team will be doing a good deal of the hard work - but we'll also need some help from yourselves...
DEELEY: (befuddled)
US! HELP SANTA!?!
GLADSTONE:
Why, yes... Unless you have any objections...
SANTA:
Ah... Don't be harsh with him, Gladstone - perhaps the boy doesn't believe in me...
GLADSTONE:
Oh... I guess you could be right...
DEELEY: (eager to impress)
No! No! I definitely believe in you... I can see you now - right in front of me!
SANTA:
Well, that's a relief!
OLIVER:
We'd be happy to help!
GLADSTONE: (relieved)
Ah good! So that's decided then... Shy Yeti will do one half of the world - and you and Deeley and will do the other...
SANTA: (in agreement)
Yes... Yes... That sounds fair!
DEELEY: (as shocked as he could be)
HALF THE WORLD!?! JUST OLLIE AND I?
GLADSTONE:
Well... Unless you'd like to take a bigger share - I don't suppose Shy Yeti would mind...
SANTA:
It can definitely be arranged...
OLIVER: (apologetically)
Well, I'll do what I can, but I've been suffering from a bad back recently... I'm sure Deeley won't mind doing some of the harder carrying work; I presume we'll have use of the reindeer...
SANTA:
Of course...
GLADSTONE:
Then we're all good... Any questions, Deeley?
DEELEY: (stammering nervously as he tries to take it all in)
Errr... Well... I... But... But...
SUDDENLY SANTA BEGINS TO CHUCKLE AND THEN GLADSTONE QUICKLY JOINS HIM - EVENTUALLY EVEN OLIVER IS LAUGHING - ONLY THEN DOES DEELEY REALISE THAT HE HAS FALLEN FOR A SILLY CHRISTMAS TRICK...
OH DEAR... Now, I am feeling VERY silly...
OLIVER:
Don't worry - at least you're not wearing a large furry red coat and a false beard for the whole of December!
DEELEY:
No! Mine is grey and white...
SANTA:
Well said, Deeley...
GLADSTONE:
Come on everyone... Time to have some mulled wine, I think - and to begin what I very much hope will be a very merry Christmas...
DEELEY: (enthusiastically)
HO! HO! HO!
OLIVER:
That's not your line...
SANTA:
I don't mind... He does it very well - I'm pretty sure I'd be no good at purring...
THE FOUR OF THEM POTTER OUT OF THE ROOM IN SEARCH OF MULLED WINE - MAKING SOME VERY ODD NOISES THAT SOUND RATHER LIKE THEY ARE ATTEMPTING TO PURR!!
WISHING YOU A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS...
...AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR - 2019!!!
This script was written between Monday 27th November and 23rd December 2018, with some rewrites up until time of posting.
