EPISODE 699: LOVE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS...
BY PAUL CHANDLER
THIS IS NOT THE FULL SCRIPT FOR EPISODE 699 - JUST THE LINES OF THAT EDITION WHICH WERE WRITTEN BY MYSELF - THE REST OF THIS SHOW WAS IMPROVISED, AS USUAL...
Scenes
Scene 1
Douglas and Boo speak to the poltergeist, but he is sulking…
Bettina:
Darlings… I’m so grateful for you for trying to help like this…
Douglas:
Well, I’m afraid we’ve not really achieved much so far; we’re being ignored!
Bettina:
Oh, what a bore… What’s up?
Boo:
The poltergeist is sulking, but I’m sure he’ll emerge when he chooses to… they’re very stubborn!
Bettina:
Oh dear! I only want to offer the hand of friendship to him… It is a him, right?
Douglas:
Most definitely, Madam…
Boo:
I feel bad that he’s been causing you troubles, Betty… Racing about the house at all hours of the night like that…
Douglas:
And yet he’s not formally introduced himself…It’s the height of rudeness!
Boo:
To be honest, I’m not sure he’s the only spirit in that box… I think there’s more to this…
Bettina:
What do you mean, dear?
Boo:
I think he’s mostly busy guarding the box and then emerges for a quick burst of energy once a day…
Douglas:
Poltergeists are usually pretty energetic; they need their exercise… You’d normally see a lot more of them that we actually are at the moment…
Bettina:
Oh yes, I see what you mean… So it might not be that he’s sulking with us… more just that he’s awfully busy GUARDING the box…
Boo:
Absolutely correct, dear lady...
Bettina:
Then there’s no point you trying to speak to him right now if he’s otherwise engaged…
Douglas:
Perhaps not at the moment, no… It also occurred to me… poltergeists can be a trifle snooty with other ghosts, Madame… however they do like meeting celebrities…
Bettina:
Oh! Like me, you mean…
Boo:
Well, yes and no… you’re perhaps a little too closely associated with us…
Douglas:
But if you called up Mister Yeti perhaps… maybe he could have a word… It might be worth a try…
Bettina:
I suppose so… If you think it might work… Yes, I’ll call him… Anyway! It’s a beautiful day - a very special day too, I might add - and I’m sure you must have other plans…
Boo:
We do indeed…
Bettina:
How exciting? Do I need to buy myself a new hat?
Douglas:
Err… No, no… We were just going to take a stroll around the gardens… To check out the flowers…
Boo:
To see if spring has arrived…
Bettina:
Oh marvellous… We’ll, run along then, you two… I’ll call Paul and see if he can come over later; I doubt he’ll be up to much - his live life is notoriously dreary…
Douglas:
Madam, don’t be mean…
Bettina:
I’m sorry, but it’s true… He’s a hopeless case… Anyway, we do need to solve this little supernatural problem… Build bridges, as it were…
Boo:
Of course… And I’m sorry we weren’t more help…
Bettina:
Not at all darling… You have fun… You might even find a sprig of mistletoe out there still in bloom…
Douglas:
Madam, please! (he mutters so that Boo doesn’t hear) There is no need to matchmake - Boo and I are just old friends…
Bettina:
Oh darling, but you could be so much more…
Douglas:
I don’t know about that… It would be nice, but it will happen if it happens…
Bettina:
Oh darling! Things aren’t as simple as that… You disappoint me….
Douglas:
That’s as may be… we’ll see you later! Don’t forget to call Paul!
Bettina:
I’m right on it, darling… My fingers are poised to dial!
Boo:
What were you two whispering about, Dee?
Douglas:
Nothing, Boo! Nothing! Come on… Let’s get out in the garden!
Bettina:
Dear oh dear… Those two definitely need a little more encouragement… It’s a good thing that I’ve made plans… I do hope they’ll enjoy my surprise!!! I’m sure they will… I’m an old hand at this park… They don’t call me Cupid for nothing! (laughs)
Scene 2
Douglas and Boo before afternoon walk in the gardens…
Bettina enters the kitchen full of plans and is surprised to find Douglas and Boo still there.
Bettina:
Oh darlings! Are you still here!? You’ll lose the light if you don’t head out soon - there are still some wonderful snowdrops out there in the garden; unless you think you’d like to go further afield - remember, we can always call Yeti Uncle John to take you out for a spin in his taxi if you’d like that - my treat!
Douglas:
As nice as it sounds that’s not really possible unless we travel about in the music box and then that takes a lot of paperwork and magical incantations…
Boo:
It’s fine Betty dear. We’ll enjoy the garden; the sun is out, although we don’t feel the cold anyway…
Bettina:
Oh darlings, I’m such a fool… I forget that you can’t easily travel… You did very to get here Boo dear… Thank goodness the postal service didn’t let us down this time…
Boo:
I know! I might have found myself lost in some warehouse of undelivered mail… That would not have been good…
Douglas:
I’m pretty sure they destroy that stuff after a while too…
Bettina:
Oh my… It doesn’t bear thinking about… But surely you can’t burn or crush or ghost…
Boo:
No, but if the box that was protecting me was destroyed then goodness knows where I’d have gone… it’s not a case of return to sender… I’d have… well… I don’t know… Let’s not fret about it…
Douglas:
Quite! Quite! Will you join us Madam? Or do you and August have plans?
Bettina:
Plans, dear?
Boo:
For Valentines? I hope you’re taking each other out… treating yourselves!
Bettina:
Oh well, yes… most probably… but I’m sorry… I won’t be able to join you yet… things to do…
Douglas:
Have you still not rung, Paul?
Bettina:
No! It’s all fine! Sorry… I should have said… He’ll be here this afternoon… He was free and single today, as I expected…
Douglas:
You should find him a date, Madam… Put your talents to a use…
Bettina:
Hmm, maybe I should… Anyway, you two go and have fun!
Boo:
What a shame you can’t join us… Alright, then… We’ll see you later…
Douglas:
Don’t work too hard, Madam…
Boo:
I do hope she finds someone for your friend…
Douglas:
It’s her true calling, believe me, Boo…
Bettina:
No, no… I won’t… (waits as door closes) Good… Time to get busy whilst they’re out of the house… (doorbell rings) Aha! Just on time… I do hope nothing’s been forgotten…
Scene 3
Douglas and Boo are out in the garden - but Bettina has plans for them…
Douglas:
I’m so glad we came outside, Boo… I so rarely bother to leave the house when I’m on my own…
Boo:
Well, you’re not alone now, Dee…
Douglas:
Absolutely not… I feel very lucky…
Boo:
We’re both lucky… and you’re right… The garden does look very nice today… with the sun on the snow drops…
Douglas:
Flowers in February always make me happy - they’re a sign - a promise of better weather - hopefully of better times to come…
Boo:
I guess so… You’re a soppy old thing really, aren’t you?
Douglas:
I cannot deny it…
Boo:
An old romantic too…
Douglas:
Well… Yes… You say that like it’s a bad thing though…
Boo:
Absolutely not! It’s one of the things that I appreciate about you most…
Douglas:
I’m glad… Look, we should probably head inside… I’m beginning to feel a tad chilly…
Boo:
You’re imagining it, Dee.. Ghosts rarely ever feel the cold…
Douglas:
Well, maybe it is all in my mind… Oh look… Over there! What’s the Madam doing out in the garden without a coat?
Boo:
She seems to be trying to get our attention… She’s waving…
Douglas:
She’s probably lost the tin-opener again… Madam! Madam? Can I be of help?
Bettina:
Not exactly… but I could do with your advice for a moment… I was just setting the dinner table and I’m not sure which table cloth is the nicest… Silly, I know! Maybe you can help me decide!
Boo:
Arranging a nice romantic dinner for you and August, are you, Betty?
Bettina:
Oh, not quite… We have other plans later, though… Come on through into the summer house… Don’t forget to wipe your feet if you need to…
Douglas:
Thankfully we tend not to pick up mud, Madam - but I still tend to do it as a force of habit…
Boo:
Wow! Betty! This is amazing! The table is set out so beautifully… Surely you don’t want to change the cloth at this late stage! The blue and white cheques are very smart…
Douglas:
Madam, those carnations! They must have cost a fortune…
Bettina:
Ah well, no matter about that… Anyway the food will be arriving imminently…
Douglas:
But who is it all for? And why all that film-flam about the table cloth?
Bettina:
Merely an excuse to get you boys in here…
Boo:
Oh yes, for what, exactly?
Bettina:
Well, what do you think? It’s Valentines Day and I thought that you two old friends might like to take lunch together… I know it’s not easy for you to arrange - so I did it all for you!! You two need a little push!
Douglas:
A push? But Madam… I mean… I… I…
Boo:
He’s lost for words… Isn’t it cute?
Bettina:
It is rather… (laughs) Don’t be cross with me, Douglas dear… I see you two together and I see how much you love one another but you’ll not dare speak it… But why? You have such chemistry! A real spark! At very least enjoy your lunch together… Enjoy the food!
Douglas:
But Madam… we can’t eat living food…
Bettina:
Which is why I contacted a company who specialises in food for ghosts… It’s all made of ectoplasm or something but I’m assured it’ll be delicious!!
Boo:
Oh Betty… You’re gorgeous… Thank you! Thank you so much for doing this for us! This is wonderful, isn’t it Dee?
Douglas:
I mean, yes… Yes… It really is… I’m… staggered… Madam, thank you… But…
Boo:
No buts… She’s right, my man… We did need a push…
Bettina:
Wonderful! (Claps hands excitedly) My job is done… Now take your seats and your first course will be here in a moment…
Douglas:
She’s so naughty…
Boo:
She’s an Angel…
Douglas:
SHE’S CUPID!!
Boo:
CUPINA DU PRES! (They laugh)
Scene 4
The boys are eating dessert… They seem content in each other’s company…
Douglas:
Madam was right, this food is very good… Don’t you think so, Boo?
Boo:
Why do you call her Madam all the time, Dee… You’re so funny… It’s like you’re playing a role!
Douglas:
What ever do you mean?
Boo:
This whole butler thing… You don’t have to do any of it… You’re retired, my man… permanently retired!
Douglas:
Well, clearly not… Not any more… I do it for Bettina because she asked me and what else have I to do? Anyway, I sat around moping about the house for a few decades after I passed; just couldn’t settle…
Boo:
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that… I’m sorry I couldn’t be here to be with you… It happens to a lot of us… I just haunted restaurants after I died; I loved being around all the people… Showing off…
Douglas:
Why does that not surprise me?
Boo:
Ha! Well, it helped that I died in a famous pizzeria in Bari, of course…
Douglas:
Oh Boo… I knew about your mischief in restaurants but not that you died in one… You didn’t choke on a pizza slice did you?
Boo:
I don’t think I’m ready to speak about it…
Douglas:
Too soon? After what; 40 years or something?
Boo:
Maybe… I don’t hear you sharing your death story with anyone! You were in service here, I take it?
Douglas:
I was - just before Bettina moved in; although some distant relative of hers owned it… Anyway, you’re right… This isn’t the appropriate occasion to speak of darker times… You never answered me though… are you enjoying the food?
Boo:
I’m sorry… Yes! Yes! It’s marvellous… I rarely eat these days but only because most ghost food is dreadful and you don’t really need it anyway…
Douglas:
Quite! But this is actually very flavoursome…
Boo:
It is… Yes! Listen… Dee, dear heart… Do you remember the first thing that happened moments after we met?
Douglas:
Oh my… Rome, Summer 1966… I remember that much… I was in service with the English ambassador and you came to work for him as a chauffeur…
Boo:
Monday June the 6th 1966 to be exact…
Douglas:
Is that honestly the day?
Boo:
It was… The date TT is etched on my heart…
Douglas:
Oh! Now you really are exaggerating…
Boo:
Not at all… I liked you immediately… You shared your sandwich with me - took pity on a poor person fellow with no lunch on his first day of work…
Douglas:
Hmm… I do remember you arriving but not the sandwich… You were so smart…
Boo:
Cheese and salami with lettuce and tomato; the bread was so fresh; from Lucia’s the bakery just down the road…
Douglas:
That place was legendary and that was always my favourite choice..
Boo:
Exactly. It became mine too.. I also remember on that first meeting that you gave me a look… was it love at first sight, do you think?
Douglas:
Oh stop it! More than likely it was just indigestion!
Boo:
Ha! I don’t believe it for a minute! In those days my beauty was inescapable… Every man and woman in Rome wanted to spend the night with me…
Douglas:
Especially the ambassadors elderly mother… She was devoted!
Boo:
The only woman that I would have ever swapped my mother for - she was adorable; strhe treated me like a son… except for when she used to comment about wishing she was 30 years younger!
Douglas:
You definitely had your fans in that household - but we haven’t all day to run through them all, Boo…
Boo:
I’m hurt… (laughs) So it wasn’t love at first sight then, Dee? Because it was for me…
Douglas:
It was certainly something at first… Call it love if you like…
Boo:
You know it was…
Douglas:
Maybe… I just hate to inflate your ego all the more… One day you’re going to explode…
Boo:
Believe me that happened many years ago… Many times… MANY many times…
Douglas:
Oh Boo, you really are awful…
Boo:
But you still like me?
Douglas:
Well yes, although that goes without saying…
Boo:
Ah well then, good - my heart is once again repaired - I shall sleep soundly tonight…
Douglas:
Really… (he chuckles…)
Bettina: (listening in)
Looks like things are ticking along nicely… Splendid!
Scene 5
The boys thank Bettina and head to bed…
Bettina:
Well my darlings, I do hope that you had a wonderful lunch…
Douglas:
Madam, it was fantastic!
Bettina:
Enough of that! It’s Bettina! You know that! You’re off duty now… Not that I ever expected you to be so formal in the first place…
Boo:
I told him you’d say exactly that… See what I mean, Boo?
Douglas:
It’s a habit that I find very hard to shed..
Bettina:
Well, there’s no need for it.. Do you understand?
Douglas:
I do yes.. my lady… Sorry! Joking! Ma’am.
Boo:
I think he just likes being dominated…
Bettina:
This is what I’m quickly beginning to realise… Anyway… So dinner was good!
Boo:
It was fantastic… Thank you again…
Bettina:
My pleasure, and how did my attempt at playing Cupid go?
Douglas:
Oh, well that would be telling…
Boo:
I am happy to share… It was perfect…
Douglas:
You said you wouldn’t say!
Bettina:
Marvellous! Marvellous!
There is a crash from upstairs…
Douglas:
What ever was that?
Bettina:
Oh, don’t you worry… Paul’s here… Having a word with our poltergeist friend… Hopefully Mr Yeti will be able to get a few more details out of him…
Boo:
He can try!
Douglas:
We’ll go see… we were just about to head up stairs for…
Boo:
An afternoon nap…
Bettina:
Oh, how delightful! I encourage it… August and I will be out for a few hours soon… We’re going to have some professional photos taken of us… We have so much art in the house painted by August but so little of us together… So it’s my little treat! August actually seems quite excited about it!
Douglas:
That’s lovely… Bettina…
Boo:
Preserving happy memories… The best!
Bettina:
Yes, indeed… Well do pop in on Paul, you know where he’ll be… I’ll see you later…
Douglas:
Indeed! Have fun, madam… err… haha.
Boo:
…And once again.., thank you for that little push and a wonderful lunch…
Bettina:
Oh darling! I’m so pleased it was a success… One million kisses, one million and one kisses… mwah!
Scene 6
Douglas had spoken with Paul, but the news was not great. Boo and Douglas are back in their room but B seems quiet.
Douglas:
Boo… Are you okay?
Boo:
Oh yes, my daily joy… I am splendid, thank you… More than splendid!
Douglas:
You just seem a little quiet…
Boo:
It’s just that what Paul said to you wasn’t great… I’m sorry I didn’t come back into the room with you…
Douglas:
Is it because of the music box?
Boo:
Yes, I felt a pull back to the homeland… it’s like it’s calling me… Pulling me back in… Obviously I don’t want that… Anything but… I’m here for good - or at least as long as you want me here..
Douglas:
Always!! But surely it’s not the box itself doing that?
Boo:
No… No… It’s the other spirits… The ones Polty is guarding us from…
Douglas:
But he’s a good force, yes.. He’s keeping us safe…
Boo:
Indeed… For now… But he definitely has his work cut out for him… Poltergeists aren’t the most reliable of guardians - they’re too impulsive but more positively they also quite enjoy the routine… So… Well, eventually they’ll wear him down, though…
Douglas:
The spirits?
Boo:
Yes…
Douglas:
Can’t we just employ a new poltergeist then or destroy the box entirely?
Boo:
Perhaps… But it’s not that easy… They’re strong…
Douglas:
They? Boo… How many ARE there, exactly?
Boo:
A hundred. Maybe two hundred…
Douglas:
In that tiny box?
Boo:
Absolutely, yes - Dee…
Douglas:
And powerful spirits? How powerful?
Boo:
You don’t need to worry, honey… I’m here… We’ll be safe…
Douglas:
HOW POWERFUL??
Boo:
The MOST powerful…
Douglas:
More powerful than a poltergeist?
Boo:
Potentially, yes… Over time… Yes! There are far worse things deep down in that box - that we’re being protected from right at the moment; things that eat ordinary ghosts for lunch. I’m afraid, Douglas.
Douglas:
Good grief, now I wish I’d never asked.. We’ll fight them though right? If we have to… They mustn’t put Bettina in danger…
Boo:
Of course not… No… it’s fine… We’ll deal with it if it comes to that…
Douglas:
When it comes to that…
Boo:
No need to worry about it today…
Douglas:
I never thought I’d say this… But sone ghosts are REALLY scary aren’t they?
Boo:
Not me though… I’m a well behaved spirit… Mostiy…
Douglas:
Yes, mostly… No! No! You’re pretty good; in fact you’re pretty adorable.
Boo:
Oh yes? How adorable am I, sir?
Douglas:
The most adorable… Ever…
(The conversation begins to fade down as the episode ends… but we hear disturbing noises from the music box)
Boo:
Hmm… Okay… Sounds like you’ll have to work hard to catch up with me… You see, my boy friend just told me that I’m the most adorable ghost EVER…
Douglas:
Did he now… Be careful what you believe… I’ve told you before… Your ego will explode!
Boo: (kidding)
Bang!
Douglas: (laughs)
Ugh! What did I say? Now look at you!!
Boo:
I’m sorry… You were right… (laughs)
Douglas:
Happy Valentine’s Day, Boo…
Boo:
Aw. Happy Valentine’s Day, my sweet marshmallow…
Written between: 8th and 12th January 2024.
SC. 1 & 2: 8th
SC. 3: 9th
SC. 4: 10th
SC. 5 & 6: 12th
This Script is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2024.
