Hello beasties!
This week we have another couple of episodes of the podcast to announce - not to mention a new Shy Yeti script...
First up here are the details on the new podcast episodes...
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 58: IT'S BINGO NIGHT!!
Here we are for episode FIFTY EIGHT and Mr Yeti is back in his home town and enjoying a day out around Salisbury with Nick and Aly - but the highlight of the weekend is bingo night at the local pub... Of course, along the way, we also hear from some of the regulars - not to mention a couple of spiky recent additions! Thanks to Nick, Aly and the Dusthole Gang for their help with this episode. Our next show, number 59 - sees us geek out on an old TV favourite with a few special guests!! It'll be out soon!! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 58 was recorded between the 13th January and the 21st February 2017.
58: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-58-its-bingo-night
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 59: REALLY RATHER RANDOM...
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
Here we are for episode FIFTY NINE - where, replacing the previously advertised episode, we join Mr Yeti for an impromptu show recorded in (almost) one take one day before work! All the regulars are there and everyone is answering questions as posed by a random question generator! Results are mixed and occasionally eye-opening! There are poems and also a number of "lost" chats from the archives with regular guests Nick Goodman and Toppie Smellie about birthdays and horror films. Our next episode, number 60 - should be our previously announced show involving a particular yeti TV favourite TV show - there are also a number of different guests! It'll be out soon!! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 59 was recorded (almost) in one take on Tuesday 7th March 2017. The episode also includes "lost" clips recorded during autumn/winter 2016.
SHY YETI THE ENTERTAINER is another of the Shy Yeti scripts - I don't appear to have noted down exactly when I started writing it, but it would probably have been in late December/early January. The first draft was completed on the 26th January 2017 and I worked on it on and off for another month or so until it was posted.
Before we get there... Some recently screen-grabbed shots from a selection of 1998 episodes of SUTTON PARK...
Before we get there... Some recently screen-grabbed shots from a selection of 1998 episodes of SUTTON PARK...
So, next time there will be more podcasts and most possibly a new poem that has been a few years in the making (well, on and off!)...
Paul xx
SETTING: Shy Yeti and Toppie are visiting a record company in London - the person they are about to visit is known to Shy and she has recently contacted him to ask a favour, but has given no further details... Shy has fantasies of being asked to record some musical opus and Toppie is simply excited to be going to a record company... Both of them are keen to find out what is required of them - quickly forgetting that Toppie must soon return to the States and all their recent troubles...
SHY: (appreciative)
It's very good of you to come with me today, Toppie - you really didn't need to... Your emergency passport should be coming through any day now and you'll be heading home... Isn't there a museum or a gallery you'd rather visit whilst you've got the chance?
TOPPIE: (ridiculously excited)
Are you kidding, yeti? And miss the chance to visit a record company! This is so exciting! We might see someone famous - like Cher or... I dunno... Somebody else like Cher...
SHY: (teasing / distracted)
Oh come on, Toppie - the whole world doesn't revolve around Cher... I don't think she's even with this record company...
TOPPIE: (disappointed)
Oh! That's a shame... She's the one singer I do know! What about Tina Turner?
SHY: (unusually grumpy, but trying to remain polite)
I really don't know, Toppie! I'm sorry... I don't! I've not come here for anyone else other than myself!
TOPPIE: (almost applauding)
Exciting! They've not given you any idea why they want to speak to you though? Do you think somebody wants you to write some lyrics for them?
SHY: (enjoying talking about himself)
Hey... Maybe... That would be great - I'm definitely very inspired by song lyrics... Sometimes I've written poems as if they're songs...
TOPPIE: (politely encouraging)
I remember you saying...
SHY: (dreamily)
It may be that they want me to record an album...
TOPPIE: (surprised, unsure)
Of you? Singing?
SHY: (a little unsure himself)
Umm... Well, I'd be up for it - but it's hardly my most celebrated skill-set...
TOPPIE: (curious, sounding a little like he doubts it)
What about rapping then? Do you rap?
SHY: (completely missing the point and waffling on)
Only really at Christmas or birthdays and only for friends that I'm really close to... To be honest, I prefer it if somebody else does it - I'm not the most agile person with paws this size, although I would say that I know my way around a roll of sticky tape if push comes to shove...
TOPPIE: (disapproving)
No! Not that sort of wrapping... You dingbat, you!
SHY: (thinking it over)
Sorry... No, I'm not really about the rap... I'm more a silky-voiced siren of performance poetry than a quick-fire rap god...
TOPPIE: (enthusiastically)
Err... Right... So maybe they want a spoken word album out of you? Wonderful!
SHY: (his interest growing the more he thinks about it)
Maybe... Maybe... That would be nice - I mean, it won't sell in the same way as an album of singing might sell...
TOPPIE: (sounding a little sad about it)
I don't think anything much sells in music, these days - unless you're about 20 with legs up to here...
SHY: (playfully)
Hey! I DO have legs up to here...
TOPPIE: (sympathetically)
I just don't think that's the direction most record companies are aiming for though...
SHY: (put out)
I'm not sure what you mean, Toppie...
TOPPIE: (distracted)
Believe me... Nor do I! Oh! Look! I think we're there - this is the office we were supposed to check in at...
SHY: (grateful)
So it is... Well seen - I'd have walked right past...
TOPPIE: (quite excited)
Oh! Look, Shy... Somebody's waving to us - a handsome young gentleman...
SHY: (unsure)
The record producer's name is Ashley - she's a lady, I do know her a little... It's possible that this is her secretary...
TOPPIE: (keen)
We'd better go and see...
SHY NODS - HE IS NERVOUS, BUT IS GLAD TO HAVE TOPPIE THERE FOR SUPPORT... A MAN MEETS THEM OUTSIDE THE OFFICE, HE APPEARS TO BE THE EXECS ASSISTANT - HE IS OVERLY FRIENDLY AND HANDSOME, IF YOU'RE INTO HAIRY 7 FOOT TROLLS...
JONES: (sounding very jolly)
HELLO! HELLO! CAN I GET YOU A COFFEE? TEA? SOMETHING ALCOHOLIC!?!
SHY: (quickly warming to this suggestion)
Oh... A tea might be nice... Just a touch of milk, nothing more... Thank you. Toppie?
TOPPIE: (appreciative)
Oh, a coffee would be awesome... Black please... That would be terrific.
JONES: (extra politely)
Great! Perfect! Now, Ash will be with you in a moment - she's just on an international call... Sorry... May I ask? Which one of you actually is Shy Yeti, please?
TOPPIE: (trying not to sound too sarcastic)
Err... He is... The yeti...
SHY: (keen to "big up" his companion)
That would be me... This is my friend and colleague, international podcasting celebrity Toppie Smellie... He has a show called The Smellcast... It'll really blow your mind - you should take a listen some time...
JONES: (apologetically)
Oh! I'd love to - only radio gives me vertigo...
TOPPIE: (in disbelief)
But it's a podcast...
JONES: (distracted)
Yes! Those too... Let me go and get your drinks...
JONES HURRIES AWAY, LEAVING SHY AND TOPPIE IN A WAITING ROOM FEELING SLIGHTLY BEMUSED AND STILL WONDERING ABOUT WHY THEY ARE ACTUALLY THERE...
TOPPIE: (sounding nervous)
I think I should probably go... Leave you both to have a chat...
SHY: (nervous too)
Oh no, Toppie... Please stay... I'm... shy...
TOPPIE: (vaguely, then catching on)
I know you are... Oh! I see what you mean... Really?
SHY: (trying to seem more organised)
Yes! Of course! Let's go in - the more of us there are the more important we look... Make sure you really push the accent - that's even more impressive - it'll put me on a more confident footing...
TOPPIE: (unsure)
Are you sure about that?
SHY: (excitedly)
Definitely... Yes... Oh! Here she comes again... Look alert!
TOPPIE: (teasing)
I ALWAYS look alert, Shy...
SHY: (bantering back)
That's not true! I saw you looking positively sleepy over breakfast this morning... In fact I thought I was looking in a mirror to begin with!
TOPPIE: (quick-fire in return)
Ha! I was about to say - you're no better...
SHY: (nodding in sad agreement)
Absolutely, not at all!
JONES: (arriving with the drinks on a tray - pleasantly)
Here we are - one coffee - one tea - I hope I got it right... Black coffee with nothing added and tea with just a dash of milk...
TOPPIE: (politely/grateful)
That's right for me! Exactly!
SHY: (eager/grateful)
Spot on for me too!
JONES HANDS EACH DRINK TO THE WRONG PERSON AND TOPPIE AND SHY HAVE TO SWAP THEM AROUND WHEN HE HAS TURNED TO SEE IF HIS BOSS HAS FINISHED ON THE PHONE; HE LOOKS ALMOST RELIEVED WHEN HE SEES THAT, INDEED, SHE HAS...
JONES: (suddenly sounding quite nervous)
Ashley is ready for you... Would you like to be introduced?
SHY: (trying to sound confident)
Oh no... I'm sure it'll be just fine... We have met before... on occasion... It was a while ago, mind...
JONES: (sounding relieved)
Fine! Fine! Just knock and go in - she knows you're here...
TOPPIE: (surprised, whispering)
You never told me you knew the Producer!
SHY: (whispering back, awkward)
I do... Under... interesting circumstances, mind...
TOPPIE: (worried)
Oh, Shy... You didn't steal her husband, did you?
SHY: (giving a rather vague response)
Not exactly, no...
TOPPIE: (his eyes almost popping out of his head with surprise)
NOT HER SON!! SHY!!
SHY: (half chuckling, half out-raged)
NO! Not her son... Neither... It's a long story - she's the mother of... listen... let's just go in... The older I get the more I find fiction and real-life blends and I really start to forget what is real and what isn't and what has or hasn't happened! I just hope that only the good stuff actually happened... One can but hope!
TOPPIE: (sympathetic)
Oh... Shy... Tell me about it... I'm living that life every day! Still - I'm pretty sure that alien trifle business recently actually did happen!
SHY: (shivering)
Oh! Don't remind me... I still have custard in my fur...
THE TWO OF THEM CHUCKLE, BEFORE REALISING THAT JONES HAS ALREADY HEADED BACK TO THE FRONT DESK AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE AGENCY... REALISING THAT THEY NO LONGER HAVE AN AUDIENCE THEY HEAD OVER TO THE OFFICE DOOR - WHICH HAS A NAME-PLATE WHICH READS "ASHLEY HELIX"; SHY KNOCKS SHARPLY UPON THE DOOR...
SHY: (jovial)
Hello! Hello! Sorry to bother you... Are you free?
ASHLEY: (friendly/yet still business-like)
SHY YETI!! You old rogue, you... Hello, darling...
SHY: (with slightly fake enthusiasm)
Lovely to see you... This is my friend, Toppie Smellie... He's a well-known podcaster over in the States - he's just over here visiting - err... collecting stories for future shows...
TOPPIE: (mutters to self)
I am!?
SHY: (with a slightly fixed smile)
You are... You know you are! Ha! Come on... Don't tell me you've not been recording any of your recent adventures...
TOPPIE: (modestly)
Well, maybe just one or two...
SHY:
Exactly... (turning back, lowering his tone slightly conspiratorially) Sorry, Ashley... So, I was surprised to hear from you - whatever are you doing working here?
ASHLEY: (breezily, still smiling)
Oh, it's just one of my many pies... that I've got a finger in... If you see what I mean...
SHY: (enthusiastically)
Yes! Yes... Of course... So what can we do for you? Do you want an album of my poetry, perhaps?
ASHLEY: (patiently, but impatient behind the eyes)
Oh... Oh yes... It's a possibility... But actually now I'm just looking for a favour... Now I think about it - you could probably be useful too, Toppie...
TOPPIE: (excitedly)
Oh! Goodness, really?
SHY: (delicately)
You do know that Toppie isn't a poet, don't you?
TOPPIE: (helpfully)
I could probably write one if you wanted me to - or a story - I am quite creative you know...
SHY: (proudly)
He's quite an inventive person is Toppie, Such a wonderful story-teller... I'll give him that...
TOPPIE: (warming to the subject)
...And I can draw too, if you need something like that...
ASHLEY: (trying not to sound too impatient)
To be honest it wasn't really what I was looking for... It's a bit of a last minute thing - in fact, as I was saying - you bringing your friend along is rather lucky as there are actually two vacant posts...
SHY: (concerned)
Is this a long term thing. because Toppie does have to get back to America... What about his visa?
ASHLEY: (airily)
I think we can probably get that sorted pretty quickly... I have connections...
TOPPIE: (surprised)
Really?
SHY: (encouraging)
Yes, she does, you know... I can vouch for that... She knows everyone, does Ashley... So, tell me... I'm curious... How can we help?
ASHLEY: (sighing and then hurriedly trying to explain the background)
Well, it's like this... There's been a bit of an emergency and I need you to join a musical group...
SHY: (keenly)
Oooh! Well, as it happens I did play the piano once upon a time...
TOPPIE: (informatively)
Well, I can play the triangle... And I'm sure I could shake a tambourine like that nice Davy Jones used to in The Monkees... I actually used to play the guitar and the recorder back when I was at school - but I'm probably a bit rusty at those now...
ASHLEY: (politely, yet distracted)
Ah... Very good... But I don't think it will be necessary...
SHY: (helpfully)
I've been told I can hold a tune - and I've heard Toppie sing on his podcast; it brought tears to my eyes...
TOPPIE: (wary)
I trust that is meant as a compliment...
SHY: (wearing his bestest smile)
Today it is, yes... Sincerely so...
ASHLEY: (irritated that she isn't getting her point over)
Good... Impressive... Thank you... Only, once again - I'm not sure it will be necessary...
SHY: (befuddled)
Really? But if it's a singing group - then surely...
TOPPIE: (theorising)
Are you only expecting us simply to mime? Is that it?
ASHLEY: (relieved to have finally been able to reveal her hand)
All I really need to know is if you can dance...
SHY: (remaining positive)
I've been known to waltz, at times... What about you, Toppie?
TOPPIE: (enthused)
I can do the Mashed Potato...
SHY: (missing the point)
Well, I can do mashed potato too - but we're talking about dancing not what you had for dinner last night...
ASHLEY: (politely)
The Mashed Potato IS a dance, Shy - or WAS a dance; I guess it still is, only nobody has done it since about 1965!
SHY: (warming to the idea)
Oh, well... Now I think of it, I have done a spot of disco dancing in my time...
TOPPIE: (enthusiastically)
Oh yes, I was quite into that... It was all the rage back in Pickle Hollow when I was a teen...
ASHLEY: (keen to encourage)
Good! Good! That's more like it... You see - with this group the dancing is probably more important than the singing... I'm not sure I know the difference, but they're less of a group and more of a band - a boy band... Actually, they're one of Charlie Grrr's little projects...
SHY: (wary)
Oh, goodness! Not Charlie, again...
TOPPIE: (excited)
Oooh! I've heard of him... He's quite the star where he comes from, isn't he?
ASHLEY: (confirming)
Yes, back in Beargrrria...
SHY: (confused)
But how can we be in a BOY band? We're not exactly boys, are we?
ASHLEY: (sounding quite blasé about the whole matter)
Nobody will notice... This is a Beargrrrian boyband - they're mostly all covered in fur - either yetis or bears - you'll both fit in just fine...
TOPPIE: (enthusiastic)
Well, I'll do it! It's all sounds quite exciting!
SHY: (slightly despairingly)
Trust you to say that, Toppie... We need to negotiate!
ASHLEY: (talking quickly so she can get all the information out)
Before you say anything - the pay is good and it's only for six weeks... Two of the... errr... lesser popular members of the group are in rehab from overdoing it on pies and Charlie has suggested that we get a couple of temporary replacements that nobody will notice are not the original two... There's money at stake and you'll be well rewarded, I can assure you... We just need to get the tour done and then the band will split and then they can all go solo... What do you say?
TOPPIE: (clapping excitedly)
YES! YES! YES!
SHY: (curious, but concerned)
TOPPIE... PURLEASE!! So what's this band called, then?
ASHLEY: (slightly embarrassed)
BARELY BEARS,..
SHY: (lowering his voice almost to a whisper)
Please don't tell me nudity is involved...
ASHLEY: (awkwardly)
Define nudity...
SHY: (bluntly)
Not wearing any clothes...
ASHLEY: (delicately)
Do leaves count?
TOPPIE: (interrupting, still excited)
Oh yes... Leaves count... That'll be no problem - as long as there is coverage of some kind...
SHY: (really not keen)
Hey! I'm not sure I'm happy about this...
TOPPIE: (playful, teasing, but means it)
Oh, stop moaning, Shy... You were fine wandering about in your speedos at the Health Farm the other week - what's the difference?
SHY: (rueful)
Thousands of people are watching, for a start...
TOPPIE: (pretty much shouting)
WE'LL DO IT!!!
ASHLEY: (delighted)
EXCELLENT! (Ashley presses the intercom button) JONES... YOU CAN BRING IN THE CONTRACTS...
SHY: (mutters)
I am going to regret this... (he looks at Toppie) YOU are going to regret this...
TOPPIE: (over-joyed)
It's going to be FABULOUS!!
WE SEE A MONTAGE WHICH INCLUDES THE SIGHT OF SHY AND TOPPIE SIGNING A CONTRACT AND THEN TIME PASSES... WE SEE THE BAND REHEARSING AND THEN SCENES SLIGHTLY LATER ON OF THEM PERFORMING A SPECTACULAR GIG - WITH SINGING, DANCING AND FIREWORKS IN THE BACKGROUND... THE COSTUMES ARE SKIMPY, BUT IT ALL LOOKS PRETTY GOOD FUN... TOPPIE CERTAINLY APPEARS TO BE HAVING A BALL, SHY STILL LOOKS A LITTLE LESS SURE... MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RECORD COMPANY OFFICES JONES IS WATCHING ONE OF THEIR SHOWS ON A BIG SCREEN... SUDDENLY HE SHIVERS AND INSTANTLY MORPHS INTO A NEW SHAPE - HE IS NO LONGER A MAN - BUT A PURRING CAT... IT IS TOLSTOY...
TO BE CONTINUED...
Note: This script was originally called SHY YETI JOINS A BOY BAND - which was basically the premise of the piece, but I realised that this took most of the surprise out of the ending of the script and so I changed it. It's okay. You know it now.
P.S. If you don't know what "The Mashed Potato" is then here is a wikipedia entry about it:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mashed_Potato_(dance)
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.
TOPPIE: (ridiculously excited)
Are you kidding, yeti? And miss the chance to visit a record company! This is so exciting! We might see someone famous - like Cher or... I dunno... Somebody else like Cher...
SHY: (teasing / distracted)
Oh come on, Toppie - the whole world doesn't revolve around Cher... I don't think she's even with this record company...
TOPPIE: (disappointed)
Oh! That's a shame... She's the one singer I do know! What about Tina Turner?
SHY: (unusually grumpy, but trying to remain polite)
I really don't know, Toppie! I'm sorry... I don't! I've not come here for anyone else other than myself!
TOPPIE: (almost applauding)
Exciting! They've not given you any idea why they want to speak to you though? Do you think somebody wants you to write some lyrics for them?
SHY: (enjoying talking about himself)
Hey... Maybe... That would be great - I'm definitely very inspired by song lyrics... Sometimes I've written poems as if they're songs...
TOPPIE: (politely encouraging)
I remember you saying...
SHY: (dreamily)
It may be that they want me to record an album...
TOPPIE: (surprised, unsure)
Of you? Singing?
SHY: (a little unsure himself)
Umm... Well, I'd be up for it - but it's hardly my most celebrated skill-set...
TOPPIE: (curious, sounding a little like he doubts it)
What about rapping then? Do you rap?
SHY: (completely missing the point and waffling on)
Only really at Christmas or birthdays and only for friends that I'm really close to... To be honest, I prefer it if somebody else does it - I'm not the most agile person with paws this size, although I would say that I know my way around a roll of sticky tape if push comes to shove...
TOPPIE: (disapproving)
No! Not that sort of wrapping... You dingbat, you!
SHY: (thinking it over)
Sorry... No, I'm not really about the rap... I'm more a silky-voiced siren of performance poetry than a quick-fire rap god...
TOPPIE: (enthusiastically)
Err... Right... So maybe they want a spoken word album out of you? Wonderful!
SHY: (his interest growing the more he thinks about it)
Maybe... Maybe... That would be nice - I mean, it won't sell in the same way as an album of singing might sell...
TOPPIE: (sounding a little sad about it)
I don't think anything much sells in music, these days - unless you're about 20 with legs up to here...
SHY: (playfully)
Hey! I DO have legs up to here...
TOPPIE: (sympathetically)
I just don't think that's the direction most record companies are aiming for though...
SHY: (put out)
I'm not sure what you mean, Toppie...
TOPPIE: (distracted)
Believe me... Nor do I! Oh! Look! I think we're there - this is the office we were supposed to check in at...
SHY: (grateful)
So it is... Well seen - I'd have walked right past...
TOPPIE: (quite excited)
Oh! Look, Shy... Somebody's waving to us - a handsome young gentleman...
SHY: (unsure)
The record producer's name is Ashley - she's a lady, I do know her a little... It's possible that this is her secretary...
TOPPIE: (keen)
We'd better go and see...
SHY NODS - HE IS NERVOUS, BUT IS GLAD TO HAVE TOPPIE THERE FOR SUPPORT... A MAN MEETS THEM OUTSIDE THE OFFICE, HE APPEARS TO BE THE EXECS ASSISTANT - HE IS OVERLY FRIENDLY AND HANDSOME, IF YOU'RE INTO HAIRY 7 FOOT TROLLS...
JONES: (sounding very jolly)
HELLO! HELLO! CAN I GET YOU A COFFEE? TEA? SOMETHING ALCOHOLIC!?!
SHY: (quickly warming to this suggestion)
Oh... A tea might be nice... Just a touch of milk, nothing more... Thank you. Toppie?
TOPPIE: (appreciative)
Oh, a coffee would be awesome... Black please... That would be terrific.
JONES: (extra politely)
Great! Perfect! Now, Ash will be with you in a moment - she's just on an international call... Sorry... May I ask? Which one of you actually is Shy Yeti, please?
TOPPIE: (trying not to sound too sarcastic)
Err... He is... The yeti...
SHY: (keen to "big up" his companion)
That would be me... This is my friend and colleague, international podcasting celebrity Toppie Smellie... He has a show called The Smellcast... It'll really blow your mind - you should take a listen some time...
JONES: (apologetically)
Oh! I'd love to - only radio gives me vertigo...
TOPPIE: (in disbelief)
But it's a podcast...
JONES: (distracted)
Yes! Those too... Let me go and get your drinks...
JONES HURRIES AWAY, LEAVING SHY AND TOPPIE IN A WAITING ROOM FEELING SLIGHTLY BEMUSED AND STILL WONDERING ABOUT WHY THEY ARE ACTUALLY THERE...
TOPPIE: (sounding nervous)
I think I should probably go... Leave you both to have a chat...
SHY: (nervous too)
Oh no, Toppie... Please stay... I'm... shy...
TOPPIE: (vaguely, then catching on)
I know you are... Oh! I see what you mean... Really?
SHY: (trying to seem more organised)
Yes! Of course! Let's go in - the more of us there are the more important we look... Make sure you really push the accent - that's even more impressive - it'll put me on a more confident footing...
TOPPIE: (unsure)
Are you sure about that?
SHY: (excitedly)
Definitely... Yes... Oh! Here she comes again... Look alert!
TOPPIE: (teasing)
I ALWAYS look alert, Shy...
SHY: (bantering back)
That's not true! I saw you looking positively sleepy over breakfast this morning... In fact I thought I was looking in a mirror to begin with!
TOPPIE: (quick-fire in return)
Ha! I was about to say - you're no better...
SHY: (nodding in sad agreement)
Absolutely, not at all!
JONES: (arriving with the drinks on a tray - pleasantly)
Here we are - one coffee - one tea - I hope I got it right... Black coffee with nothing added and tea with just a dash of milk...
TOPPIE: (politely/grateful)
That's right for me! Exactly!
SHY: (eager/grateful)
Spot on for me too!
JONES HANDS EACH DRINK TO THE WRONG PERSON AND TOPPIE AND SHY HAVE TO SWAP THEM AROUND WHEN HE HAS TURNED TO SEE IF HIS BOSS HAS FINISHED ON THE PHONE; HE LOOKS ALMOST RELIEVED WHEN HE SEES THAT, INDEED, SHE HAS...
JONES: (suddenly sounding quite nervous)
Ashley is ready for you... Would you like to be introduced?
SHY: (trying to sound confident)
Oh no... I'm sure it'll be just fine... We have met before... on occasion... It was a while ago, mind...
JONES: (sounding relieved)
Fine! Fine! Just knock and go in - she knows you're here...
TOPPIE: (surprised, whispering)
You never told me you knew the Producer!
SHY: (whispering back, awkward)
I do... Under... interesting circumstances, mind...
TOPPIE: (worried)
Oh, Shy... You didn't steal her husband, did you?
SHY: (giving a rather vague response)
Not exactly, no...
TOPPIE: (his eyes almost popping out of his head with surprise)
NOT HER SON!! SHY!!
SHY: (half chuckling, half out-raged)
NO! Not her son... Neither... It's a long story - she's the mother of... listen... let's just go in... The older I get the more I find fiction and real-life blends and I really start to forget what is real and what isn't and what has or hasn't happened! I just hope that only the good stuff actually happened... One can but hope!
TOPPIE: (sympathetic)
Oh... Shy... Tell me about it... I'm living that life every day! Still - I'm pretty sure that alien trifle business recently actually did happen!
SHY: (shivering)
Oh! Don't remind me... I still have custard in my fur...
THE TWO OF THEM CHUCKLE, BEFORE REALISING THAT JONES HAS ALREADY HEADED BACK TO THE FRONT DESK AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE AGENCY... REALISING THAT THEY NO LONGER HAVE AN AUDIENCE THEY HEAD OVER TO THE OFFICE DOOR - WHICH HAS A NAME-PLATE WHICH READS "ASHLEY HELIX"; SHY KNOCKS SHARPLY UPON THE DOOR...
SHY: (jovial)
Hello! Hello! Sorry to bother you... Are you free?
ASHLEY: (friendly/yet still business-like)
SHY YETI!! You old rogue, you... Hello, darling...
SHY: (with slightly fake enthusiasm)
Lovely to see you... This is my friend, Toppie Smellie... He's a well-known podcaster over in the States - he's just over here visiting - err... collecting stories for future shows...
TOPPIE: (mutters to self)
I am!?
SHY: (with a slightly fixed smile)
You are... You know you are! Ha! Come on... Don't tell me you've not been recording any of your recent adventures...
TOPPIE: (modestly)
Well, maybe just one or two...
SHY:
Exactly... (turning back, lowering his tone slightly conspiratorially) Sorry, Ashley... So, I was surprised to hear from you - whatever are you doing working here?
ASHLEY: (breezily, still smiling)
Oh, it's just one of my many pies... that I've got a finger in... If you see what I mean...
SHY: (enthusiastically)
Yes! Yes... Of course... So what can we do for you? Do you want an album of my poetry, perhaps?
ASHLEY: (patiently, but impatient behind the eyes)
Oh... Oh yes... It's a possibility... But actually now I'm just looking for a favour... Now I think about it - you could probably be useful too, Toppie...
TOPPIE: (excitedly)
Oh! Goodness, really?
SHY: (delicately)
You do know that Toppie isn't a poet, don't you?
TOPPIE: (helpfully)
I could probably write one if you wanted me to - or a story - I am quite creative you know...
SHY: (proudly)
He's quite an inventive person is Toppie, Such a wonderful story-teller... I'll give him that...
TOPPIE: (warming to the subject)
...And I can draw too, if you need something like that...
ASHLEY: (trying not to sound too impatient)
To be honest it wasn't really what I was looking for... It's a bit of a last minute thing - in fact, as I was saying - you bringing your friend along is rather lucky as there are actually two vacant posts...
SHY: (concerned)
Is this a long term thing. because Toppie does have to get back to America... What about his visa?
ASHLEY: (airily)
I think we can probably get that sorted pretty quickly... I have connections...
TOPPIE: (surprised)
Really?
SHY: (encouraging)
Yes, she does, you know... I can vouch for that... She knows everyone, does Ashley... So, tell me... I'm curious... How can we help?
ASHLEY: (sighing and then hurriedly trying to explain the background)
Well, it's like this... There's been a bit of an emergency and I need you to join a musical group...
SHY: (keenly)
Oooh! Well, as it happens I did play the piano once upon a time...
TOPPIE: (informatively)
Well, I can play the triangle... And I'm sure I could shake a tambourine like that nice Davy Jones used to in The Monkees... I actually used to play the guitar and the recorder back when I was at school - but I'm probably a bit rusty at those now...
ASHLEY: (politely, yet distracted)
Ah... Very good... But I don't think it will be necessary...
SHY: (helpfully)
I've been told I can hold a tune - and I've heard Toppie sing on his podcast; it brought tears to my eyes...
TOPPIE: (wary)
I trust that is meant as a compliment...
SHY: (wearing his bestest smile)
Today it is, yes... Sincerely so...
ASHLEY: (irritated that she isn't getting her point over)
Good... Impressive... Thank you... Only, once again - I'm not sure it will be necessary...
SHY: (befuddled)
Really? But if it's a singing group - then surely...
TOPPIE: (theorising)
Are you only expecting us simply to mime? Is that it?
ASHLEY: (relieved to have finally been able to reveal her hand)
All I really need to know is if you can dance...
SHY: (remaining positive)
I've been known to waltz, at times... What about you, Toppie?
TOPPIE: (enthused)
I can do the Mashed Potato...
SHY: (missing the point)
Well, I can do mashed potato too - but we're talking about dancing not what you had for dinner last night...
ASHLEY: (politely)
The Mashed Potato IS a dance, Shy - or WAS a dance; I guess it still is, only nobody has done it since about 1965!
SHY: (warming to the idea)
Oh, well... Now I think of it, I have done a spot of disco dancing in my time...
TOPPIE: (enthusiastically)
Oh yes, I was quite into that... It was all the rage back in Pickle Hollow when I was a teen...
ASHLEY: (keen to encourage)
Good! Good! That's more like it... You see - with this group the dancing is probably more important than the singing... I'm not sure I know the difference, but they're less of a group and more of a band - a boy band... Actually, they're one of Charlie Grrr's little projects...
SHY: (wary)
Oh, goodness! Not Charlie, again...
TOPPIE: (excited)
Oooh! I've heard of him... He's quite the star where he comes from, isn't he?
ASHLEY: (confirming)
Yes, back in Beargrrria...
SHY: (confused)
But how can we be in a BOY band? We're not exactly boys, are we?
ASHLEY: (sounding quite blasé about the whole matter)
Nobody will notice... This is a Beargrrrian boyband - they're mostly all covered in fur - either yetis or bears - you'll both fit in just fine...
TOPPIE: (enthusiastic)
Well, I'll do it! It's all sounds quite exciting!
SHY: (slightly despairingly)
Trust you to say that, Toppie... We need to negotiate!
ASHLEY: (talking quickly so she can get all the information out)
Before you say anything - the pay is good and it's only for six weeks... Two of the... errr... lesser popular members of the group are in rehab from overdoing it on pies and Charlie has suggested that we get a couple of temporary replacements that nobody will notice are not the original two... There's money at stake and you'll be well rewarded, I can assure you... We just need to get the tour done and then the band will split and then they can all go solo... What do you say?
TOPPIE: (clapping excitedly)
YES! YES! YES!
SHY: (curious, but concerned)
TOPPIE... PURLEASE!! So what's this band called, then?
ASHLEY: (slightly embarrassed)
BARELY BEARS,..
SHY: (lowering his voice almost to a whisper)
Please don't tell me nudity is involved...
ASHLEY: (awkwardly)
Define nudity...
SHY: (bluntly)
Not wearing any clothes...
ASHLEY: (delicately)
Do leaves count?
TOPPIE: (interrupting, still excited)
Oh yes... Leaves count... That'll be no problem - as long as there is coverage of some kind...
SHY: (really not keen)
Hey! I'm not sure I'm happy about this...
TOPPIE: (playful, teasing, but means it)
Oh, stop moaning, Shy... You were fine wandering about in your speedos at the Health Farm the other week - what's the difference?
SHY: (rueful)
Thousands of people are watching, for a start...
TOPPIE: (pretty much shouting)
WE'LL DO IT!!!
ASHLEY: (delighted)
EXCELLENT! (Ashley presses the intercom button) JONES... YOU CAN BRING IN THE CONTRACTS...
SHY: (mutters)
I am going to regret this... (he looks at Toppie) YOU are going to regret this...
TOPPIE: (over-joyed)
It's going to be FABULOUS!!
WE SEE A MONTAGE WHICH INCLUDES THE SIGHT OF SHY AND TOPPIE SIGNING A CONTRACT AND THEN TIME PASSES... WE SEE THE BAND REHEARSING AND THEN SCENES SLIGHTLY LATER ON OF THEM PERFORMING A SPECTACULAR GIG - WITH SINGING, DANCING AND FIREWORKS IN THE BACKGROUND... THE COSTUMES ARE SKIMPY, BUT IT ALL LOOKS PRETTY GOOD FUN... TOPPIE CERTAINLY APPEARS TO BE HAVING A BALL, SHY STILL LOOKS A LITTLE LESS SURE... MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RECORD COMPANY OFFICES JONES IS WATCHING ONE OF THEIR SHOWS ON A BIG SCREEN... SUDDENLY HE SHIVERS AND INSTANTLY MORPHS INTO A NEW SHAPE - HE IS NO LONGER A MAN - BUT A PURRING CAT... IT IS TOLSTOY...
TO BE CONTINUED...
Note: This script was originally called SHY YETI JOINS A BOY BAND - which was basically the premise of the piece, but I realised that this took most of the surprise out of the ending of the script and so I changed it. It's okay. You know it now.
P.S. If you don't know what "The Mashed Potato" is then here is a wikipedia entry about it:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mashed_Potato_(dance)
