ARE WE THERE, YETI?
MORE PROSE, I SUPPOSE...
Hello beasties!
How have you been? Well, I trust?
Before we return to discuss the new book I intend to cover what I've been up to since my last post. My main success is finishing the new book, ARE WE THERE, YETI? which is now on its way to Lulu.com for me to receive a draft copy and then hopefully I'll release it week beginning Monday 11th February. I've also been making some headway with the new video, SHY YETI RETURNS TO DORSET and have managed to get the footage down from over an hour to around 25 minutes; it'll take a while longer - but should be ready in the next week or so. Other than that I've been tinkering about with a few poems that I came up with titles for a couple of years ago, but which I never got around to actually writing... These titles include INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, IT ONLY TAKES A MOUSE TO SNEEZE, DIAMONDS ARE ALL VERY WELL, BUT PIES TASTE NICER, THE YETI POET LAUREATE, THE GIRL OF YOUR NIGHTMARES and THE CAKEOCALYPSE... I also started a piece called A VERY GOOD FRIEND - A VERY BAD LOVER and completed a short story over the weekend called, INFORMATION IS A WONDERFUL THING...
Moving on... This week we continue our discussion of the new book by looking at the other prose pieces in the new collection. Last week we reached the letter I and so this week we start from J with a little piece called JELLY-BABY...
JELLY-BABY
It's amazing how something as simple as offering a jelly baby to a stranger can cause so much grief...
JITTERS
It's easy to get the jitters when you are about to make a big decision - even when it's a decision like the one involved in this short sketch...
L.A. AND I (GET ON JUST FINE, THANK YOU...)
Not everyone sees L.A. as the glamorous solution to all their wildest dreams - it's all about how you see the place and whether you let it know who's boss.
LOSING YOUR MEMORY ISN’T ALWAYS A BAD THING...
Sometimes it's better not to remember the past - sometimes ignorance really IS bliss!
A MOURNING YAWN
It is a very sad day at the zoo... One of the chief keepers has died and at memorial service all the animals are keen to point their claws at a very likely suspect!
A NEW BOOK IN THE FAMILY
Buying a second hand book comes with responsibilities - it's whether you are prepared to take them or not...
NOM, NOM, NOM
Cruising the customers is just a perk of the job when you work in a large supermarket - but some people just take this perk a little too far!
PART OF THE FAMILY
When Marty the bulldog is introduced as the latest member of the family - wily feline, Ava, volunteers to show him the ropes, whilst also getting the most out of the new arrival as is possible!
A PHOTO, FALLEN...
Some people think that when your photo is taken that your soul is trapped in the picture! The truth might not be quite so alarming... Or is it!?!
RATTLESNAKES!!!
It's all very well people being afraid of snakes - but have you ever considered how scary it is when you ARE one?
REHAB... FOR CANNIBALS!
Life as a cannibal can get a bit out of hand - which is why a number of them go to rehab to wean themselves off human flesh! But such good intentions don't always work out so smoothly...
RICH PICKINGS
Sometimes underhand pranks can back-fire and when they do you may not get the chance to live to regret them, either.
RING, RING...
Exactly how much does it matter if you are unfaithful to your partner when you are dreaming? It's all a matter of perspective!
RUNNING LATE...
First dates can be funny beasts - this one doesn't exactly take the biscuit - no, something far more valuable is being lined up!
SANTA’S BIT ON THE SIDE
Keira has a very interesting lover... He only comes once a year, but she enjoys every moment of their time together!
A SEAT ON THE WING
Travelling on the wing of a plane to your destination might not seem the most obvious thing to do, but one who has tried this mode of transport reports back, with constructive comments, about the merits of such a wild form of travel!
A SENSE OF STYLE
If a ballerina is about to be murdered then she will insist on dying with grace and with style!
THE SERIAL KILLER OF LITTLE
The story of a serial killer who lives in Little Italy in San Diego... His only problem is that he possibly likes eating the Italian food more than he actually likes killing!
THE SHAME OF A MIDDLE-CLASS BONNIE AND
Sometimes even the most clean-nosed middle-class person can get drawn into trouble - especially when cake is involved!
SO IRRITATING!!!
Sometimes little things can be irritating and sometimes irritating things can snowball and build up into major frustrations and then, sometimes, those major frustrations can overflow into something particularly nasty...
STATUE ESQ.
Here is your introduction to a new company that has a very interesting service to offer... It's name is STATUE ESQ. and it provides slightly unconventional statues to be used in the gardens of large country-homes. Sounds dull? It's really not. STATUE ESQ. is a firm run by gorgons.
STATUS SYMBOLS
A rich man's dream of buying an desert island goes slightly... off-course, let us say!
TAKE CARE WHEN GIVING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
You really do need to take care when buying Christmas presents - especially if you intend to deal out a lesson in revenge...
TOAST!!!
A tragic tale of an unconventional wedding toast!
A TRAGIC DEMISE
Death comes to us all - but not many people meet their maker in quite such an odd fashion as does the gentleman in this short sketch...
TRICK OR...
Halloween really isn't the time to be annoying your neighbours... especially the spooky ones!
THE TRUE LIGHT (PROSE VERSION)
THE TRUE LIGHT is one of my own favourite poems, as it's the one that kick-started my passion for verse when I returned to it in 2001. To celebrate its 10th anniversary I wrote an extended prose version of the piece - which concerns one "cheating" partner begging to be forgiven...
TURN AND TURN AGAIN
Do you like your boss? Not everybody does, but not that many people do anything about it... Sometimes those feelings of dislike work both ways, however.
THE UNPUBLISHED NOVEL
A creepy tale of what shifts and changes can occur to an unpublished novel if it is left to sit on the shelf for years...
A VERY SHY PSYCHOPATH
Some psychopaths are shyer than others...
THE WAR AGAINST RED TAPE
We all encounter red tape on a daily basis at work - but things just seem to get worse as time goes on...
THE WEDDING PLANNER
When you're booking a wedding sometimes you need to be extra careful about who exactly is responsible for what in arranging the big day...
WEIRD WIDE WEB
Back in 2000 when this was written, the internet was still quite a curiousity for a lot of people and it wasn't that common for people to have their own connections at home... Not only that but you were never entirely sure what you might see when you "surfed the web..."
WHAT GOES AROUND…
Friends come and go - but some friends return after a long period of time. However, sometimes, those people have changed so much that you barely recognise what you ever saw in the person... Occasionally, you get back the friend that you truly deserve.
THE WRONG PEN
One person's useless pen is another's pride and joy... Sometimes it's just a case of finding the right owner, but how would you feel if you were the actual pen in question?
A YETI HISTORY LESSON OF
THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE
I’m an old dude now…
I get to be cranky - I get to say whatever I want!
Although it is also your right to ignore me –
I know that my views still get to you…
Deep down, despite your devil-may-care attitude!
It registers; whether you admit it or not…
Whether those views of mine are really – actually – my views or not!
I like to say them anyhow – to get a reaction…
It is part of the hypocrisy of getting older –
I can say stuff that I don’t actually believe in;
That shames you in some way, perhaps…
I can down right lie…
I’m an old dude now and you don’t know any better!
When I was your age they had us working down the pit…
Cleaning out chimneys with our bare hands – with our tongues!
We were proud to fight for our country…
It made men of us; whatever that actually means.
Kids these days don’t know they’re born…
They don’t know how easy they’ve got it!
When I was six I was manning my own tank across enemy lines…
When I was ten I single-handedly saved a whole city from certain death –
And led them to safety across mountain wildernesses; without a map.
Kids these days don’t know any better –
Part of them, wisely, doesn’t believe me – nor cares…
But the other part secretly does. Just in case. Not liking to be wrong.
That part says, “He’s an old dude… Old dudes don’t lie… ‘Cos they’re OLD!
He must actually have done everything that he claims…”
It makes them feel that little more useless about their own sorry lives!
Which in turn makes me feel a little better about mine…
They allow me to spout out my nonsense – my cranky hypocrisy…
Despite none of it being true – despite none of it actually happening;
Except the one or two bits that really did.
I was no more a veteran of war than your pet dog was…
I no more believe any of that stuff than your pet cat does…
I spent my youth smoking, drinking, chasing pretty girls and handsome men…
Or, at least, trying to – just like you do!
We have more in common than you ever realise…
But I’m an old dude –
And I want you know how much harder I had it.
Just to screw with your mind, like people once did to me…
Consider it a free service – your turn will come.
All too soon.
THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE comes from the new Shy Yeti / Paul Chandler collection, ARE WE THERE, YETI? which is due to be published on Monday 11th February 2013.
