MY CAT OWNS ME... (NEW PROSE)

DEELEY CAT - HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD...

Hello beasties!

Just a quick piece this week as I've been busy editing two podcast episodes side by side, one of them the second of the two Venice episodes and the other a silly episode involving Cromitty that I recorded out of the blue last weekend; more on that duo of episodes next week.

So, all I really have for you this week is a new short prose piece - I heard the phrase "flash prose" today for the first time and am wondering if that's not the more precise description of the "prose pieces" that you often hear me going on about.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flash_prose

Yeah, that kind of fits the description of a lot of the things that I publish on here and in my books... Flash prose, aye!? That's kind of flash, isn't it?

The new piece is - once again - inspired by my beloved kitty, Deeley and the way that he treats his loyal human pals. I won't say any more as it's pretty much all said in the piece, so let's just get on with it and I'll see you back here next week! 

Oh, before I go - just to let you know - I will definitely be releasing a Christmas post this year. It features Gladstone McWhiskers, Mouse Of Commons inviting Shy Yeti to a Christmas Party - but this one is perhaps a party with a difference... You'll have to read it to see why!! On top of that I'll also be releasing a post by way of a Review Of My Year - full of links to posts that I've written during 2016.

Anyway, more soon! Take care - yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS This piece was written on date of posting, Thursday 8th December 2016.

MY CAT OWNS ME...

My cat owns me...

Should I ever doubt that?

Every day, without fail...
My cat drags me over to his perch -

I only have to be passing - 
On the way to the sock drawer or to collect breakfast bowls bound for the sink...
Should he see me then my cat will do his very best to grab my attention..,

This he does by shouting out with his most loud and obnoxious meow...

"Get over here - now, right this minute!"

Should I dilly dally then he will make it clearly known that he disapproves -

And he will repeat his demands...

Only this time, louder, faster, meaner...

Once I'm ready to give in I approach him where he sits -
He is on head height up there - so we face one another...

My cat seems very pleased to see me...

The angry, impatient mews become sweet and approving chirrups.

It actually feels nice to receive such praise.

It's a pat on the head, in a way - 

A good mark in class for a piece of work laboured over...

So now - standing there in position; 
It is almost immediately that the arm licking begins!

I used to presume that he was simply trying to groom me -

It made me laugh because the thought of him doing that was ridiculous!

He would never manage it all; I'm far too furry...
It's okay, kitty - a shower will do the job just fine.

Of course I now realise that what the licking actually represents -

Is a feline form of tagging - a method of labelling...

"THIS IS MY HUMAN!! HE IS MY PROPERTY - SO HANDS OFF!!"

It's a declaration of ownership - a warning to others of his kind...

Some might find this disturbing - uncomfortable; 
Some might shrug their shoulders, non-plussed - 
They consider it to be just the way animals are...

But I must say that I feel quite differently...

It actually makes my heart swell with pride;
That he feels it necessary to signpost his most treasured possession.

"THIS HUMAN IS MINE! MINE! MINE!"
I cannot tell you how proud I am for it to be so...
He wants ME! He really does... 
He may ignore me on occasion - but will never completely reject me; 
Anything but...
I belong to this fine furry beast...
With his manly purrs - his sharp claws -
Claws that may kill or simply guide or instruct...
My cat... With his lazy demeanour -
With his greedy faced contradictions -
And his evident addiction to catnip.
Such handsome whiskers...
With such a daft way about him - 

Oh yes, my cat owns me; really owns me...

There is no doubt about it...

This post and all contents are copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE...

A RANDOM NEW PIECE ABOUT CATS...

Hello beasties!!

This week I want to focus on cats - okay - not just any cat, mainly Deeley... But hey! He is our mascot and I know a lot of my followers do like to see his little purring face on my blog and in my videos and sometimes even in my podcasts. So... Anyway! I have some recent photos of him and I have some funny experiments with an app called Prisma where I used a Deeley photo and then manipulated it! (See above... and also below... lots below, actually!) This post I also have a new prose piece to share with you - a new prose piece concerning those of a fine feline persuasion.

Before we get on to that I would also let to present to you the next couple of episodes of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - episodes 13 and 14... I'm currently working on episode 15, which is the first of two starring Toppie Smellie! Very excited to be working on those. Here are the two new episodes:

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 13: OBSCURE CULT TV AND OTHER ODDITIES...

Here we are for episode THIRTEEN!! This time Mr Yeti is speaking to two different friends - Andrew "Trowby" Trowbridge and Lisa Parker - whom he first met back in the early 90s through their shared love of cult TV, namely Dr Who. Over the years Mr Yeti appeared in a lot of home-made movies with the pair - and they both became SUTTON PARK regulars. Listen carefully as they discuss these days in a pub in Winchester and also recommend to you a number of obscure TV shows from the 60s and 70s that they have recently enjoyed. I am aiming to get episode 14 of the show ready by mid-to-late August! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Episode 13 was recorded on the 16th July 2016. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 14: FORGOTTEN TREASURES...

Here we are for episode FOURTEEN!! This time Mr Yeti delves into some forgotten treasures that he has been meaning to share with you for some time. We head off with him on a bus, hear about a number of lost poems and are presented with another of his Shy Yeti sketches... All that and much, much more! Thank you to Chrissie and Nicole from Greetings From Nowhere for allowing me to use a clips from episode 315 - The Great Sitcom Debate. Coming soon: Episode 15... The first of two episodes starring Toppie Smellie from The Smellcast! Should be up in the next week to ten days. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Soundbible or Sabine Eismeyer. Episode 14 was recorded between the 17th July and the 10th August 2016. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

These episodes are available on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also on Soundcloud at:

13:  https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-13-obscure-cult-tv-and-other-oddities

14: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-14-forgotten-treasures

As I mentioned, I'm currently busy editing episode 14 and will hopefully have that one ready in the next day or so... The original version of 14 ran to under an hour and is made up of lots of bits that needed a home; but on Wednesday 10th August I added approximately 20 minutes more material! I think - I hope- that it'll make the episode even better!

Oh, and by the way - the Waterloo t-shirt design is by my friend Paul Webster @p_webs on Twitter who also drew the BEAST OF FRIENDS and ONION MAN illustrations, amongst others - for my last couple of books. He has a store on REDBUBBLE that is definitely worth checking out:

http://www.redbubble.com/people/paulwebster

and also: http://www.doodlehead.com.au

Thank you to Toby for two photos of D having a good old stretch on a foot-stall... These next four I took just before I went down to Kent.

As I promised earlier, the following photos are some daft pictures of Deeley put through the Prisma app...

Poor Deels! That last one is really rather harsh!

Next time I hope to have another yeti script, but I'm progressing slightly slower with that at the moment - so we shall see... There will definitely be something before I head off for my next holiday! In fact it's looking very likely that I'll be presenting something very exciting and quite exclusive next time around!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. This piece was written between Monday 8th and Sunday 14th August 2016... I also decided on the title on the 8th, having known that I wanted to write a new cat piece on this particular topic for a couple of weeks, but not having had an exact title before I started work on the piece.

THE CATS IN THE CROWD...

Cats...

They're at their best when hidden...
It's all part of their curious reputation...
Look around you - they are out there...
I don't mean those felines that you see every day...
It's the cats that you don't see that interest me...
Those in disguise - the cats in the crowd!

You may not see them straight away -
But they are there...
On the train to work -
In the queue at the Post Office...
Dressed as a loofah in your bathroom!
That business-man who sits opposite you on your commute...
Look closer... No! Closer...
Do you see the whiskers yet?
Yes! Sure... I know that beards are very in fashion at the moment...
But these are real whiskers...
Kitty antenna, even!
They do a good job, though - skulking away there...
Hiding behind false glasses and a smart suit...
Peering out from behind a newspaper - from under their bowler hats...
You wouldn't instantly look at them and think...
"CAT!! CAT!!!!"
They know their jobs and they know them well -
And they're not going to make some half-arsed job of it...
When a cat goes out in disguise then most probably you'll never notice...
Those darting eyes take in all that is going on...
Seeing everything that is occurring - noting every single change...
They're really not afraid to make comment on what they see...
It's all part of their curiosity; born to tip-toe...
One might think that a cat's most natural human ancestor -
Was the foreman or maybe the local village busy-body...
Any imperfections are instantly clocked...
Any re-arrangement of their home environment is duly recorded...
Don't you see it?
The notepad in their back pocket? The pencil behind the ear?!
They always come well-prepared; expect their full report in hours -
Be sure they will make their thoughts crystal-clear...
Why on earth did she choose THAT carpet?
Is she colour-blind - can't she see how badly it clashes with the curtains!?
So he clearly got his own way with the wall-paper; big mistake...
As for gossip - the manner in which you arrange your prized ornaments -
Is just small fry compared to what they think of that dress - that tie...
That shirt - that suit - those shoes - your HAIR - that DREADFUL tattoo...
To be honest you might as well just give up if you don't want to be judged...
After all, it's not as if you're going to get your own back...
Try and criticise their manky tail or wilting ears - that scar...

Tease them over their limited taste in cat food...
"Chicken and ham! Always the same! What's wrong with you! Freak!"
They will pretend not to hear your taunts- but they will take it all in...

Don't get caught bad-mouthing them about their wobbly belly...

They will bottle it up...
One day you will find yourself at the sharp end of their claws!
Just be careful, be alert - as alert at cats are - if not a little more...
Look around you; that business man over there - does he have a tail?

Well, does he? And is he humming some familiar tune under his breath?

Listen... Think again... He may not be humming after all...

Simply purring!!

They're at their best when hidden...
Those in disguise - the cats in the crowd!

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. 

THINGS FROM THE PAST...

GAZING BACK OVER OLD PHOTOGRAPHS...

Hello beasties!

Yes... The baby is me! By my side is my best friend, at the time, Panda... What a wonderful first friend he was to have! I was a lucky kid... I think I'm the only person I know who actively used to insist on showing his school friends his baby photos whenever they came over for tea.

ANYWAY! Before we go anywhere I must just let you know about two new podcast episodes - one of mine, but more importantly there is that new episode of THE SMELLCAST that I feature in... I've mentioned it before and I'm terribly excited about it!

SC 414 There's A Shy Yeti On the Telephone

Toppie interviews Paul Chandler, the Shy Yeti  Plus Listener Interaction and Stick It Out Your Backdoor. The Shy Life Podcast can be found on iTunes, as well as a number of other podcasting locations eg: Acast!

Write to Toppie at Smellcast@aol.com. Leave a comment on Toppie’s blog. Follow him on Twitter (as @Smellcast) and on Google+. Look at kooky stuff on smellcast.tumblr.com.

https://smellcast.wordpress.com/2016/06/29/sc-414-theres-a-shy-yeti-on-the-telephone/

I even feature in Listener Interaction and Stick It Out Your Backdoor! It's a real yeti-filled episode!!

There is a second episode coming up in a week or so too! More on that when it happens. Anyway, until then episode 414 is a really fun episode to listen to - so do! Yes, I know, I would say that!

The other podcast that I want to mention is a new episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST... 

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 7:
I JUST CALLED - TO SAY... SHY YETI!!

Here we are for episode SEVEN!! This time Mr Yeti catches up with an old friend over the phone and shares a couple of dark stories from his blog. Yeti Uncle John finds himself lost and Dameus Twinklehorn has a challenging new role! Not only that but we're back in vinyl vault, hear what Mr Yeti carries around with him and also say a quick hello to an old guest-star! All that and we've a funky (and slightly awful) new tune to dance around the living room to! Thanks again to my special guests this episode - we'll be back again soon - hopefully in the next week to 10 days... Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments. The music was by Shy Yeti. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. Episode 7 was recorded between the 21st and the 23rd June 2016.

You can access the show on iTunes and Acast - or also on Soundcloud...

Soundcloud link: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-7-i-just-called-to-say-shy-yeti

During my Shy Yeti sketch set in Amsterdam last week I posted some clean-shaven photos of me from around 1998, give or take a year. They were behind the scenes shots taken in black and white by my friend Lee F., during the filming of a series of SUTTON PARK episodes from around that time. I don't actually have that many photos from this period, as I was always so busy behind the camera filming or in front of it showing off; but these pictures are an exception. Here is a link to that post to remind you of the photos that I mean - scroll down to the bottom, to where the script is:

http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2016_06_26_archive.html

Anyway, using these photos on the post gave me the idea to post a number of screen-grabs that I took whilst recording sound clips from old S.P. episodes for the podcast recently. I present them here and have also written a little piece to go with it... The photos are coming up, but firstly I'll try and explain the context of them and roughly when these episodes were filmed...

Most of them are from different episodes of Sutton Park - the ones where I have a goatee are from May 1996 - there are also a couple of me clean-shaved from even earlier (around 1994). Mixed up in all these there is also a photo of our cats Panda and Poppy which was taken in the late 80s or early 90s. Poppy is the grey one and she was my cat when I was growing up - she came to live with us as a kitty around the time of my 4th birthday in 1977. She was a lovely cat and used to "bump heads" to show her affection - she'd also come to see what was wrong if you were upset; I nicknamed her "my second mum". The last two photos here are of me from more recently - the one of me standing by the sea, was taken in San Francisco around the time of my 30th birthday in 2003 and the very bottom one is from September 2007, when I was in Dublin at the Guinness Museum.

For those of you who are interested I have also done a brief post over on my Sutton Park blog-site: www.suttonpark.blogspot.com It's the first one I've done there in six years and over there you'll find some of the photos from this post, alongside shots of some of the other stars of the episodes that I have recently been reviewing.

Anyway... Enjoy! Shy Yeti in the 1990s - before he had even earned that particular nick-name!!

It's been fun to return to these old Sutton Park episodes as although I made a lot of videos between 1992 and 2000 when I was making the original series, I didn't have that many stills from these videos and so it's nice to take screen-grabs to be able to share with you now. It also led to me writing this week's prose piece which is all about looking back at old photos, although in this case the "story" is written from the point of view of somebody who is ageing backwards - from old to young. It's an idea that's been done by other people before, in different ways, but this is my chance to play around with the idea.

Next post it'll be time to start discussing July's Poetry Café show which is getting excitingly close now. July's going to end up quite a busy month, with more podcast episodes and further Shy Yeti scripts, amongst other things.

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. I came up with the idea for this prose piece around the 5th May 2016 and have been working on it on and off since then - with a lot of the work done on it the week before this post.

P.P.S. The illustration that follows was done by my friend Lee F back in 1996 - it's an illustration of the nick-name I gave him when I christened him my "creative gnu" rather than guru... I wrote a poem entitled that a few years back now - I really should dig it out to perform at my show!

WHEN TIME MAKES YOU YOUNGER...

There is life -
But for him it is almost over...

There he sits - alone...
A figure in the last years of a long life...
He had been born at the age of 87... 
Ever since he had been getting younger by the year...

Consider it...
A world where time makes you younger...
It is natural here...
It is the same for everyone...

There he sits - in silent contemplation...
It is rare that he gets any time to himself these days; 
For he has recently reached toddler-hood - 
Under constant observation by nannies and family members...
He will grow even more dependent as time moves on...
He will become a baby...
His memories finally fading...

Looking back across the years...
How strange it is to see himself so long ago...
So old and wrinkled...
So different to how he looks now...
Peering out of the photos with a kind of confused wisdom...
As if he, accurately as it happens,
Didn't know quite where he was...
Now, it seems that life had begun,
Just before he had lost his wife.
Beryl had kept him company through many a year...
They had begun distant -
Growing closer as the years receded.
He watched as she grew younger -
They both did, but she had been that much younger than him...
It had been fascinating to see the changes -
To witness the ravages of time slowly relaxing themselves...
She had made a good mother;
At first, independent they had grown into children...
But they are gone now - it has been years...
Soon it will be his turn...
The years that remain for him are turning to months...
He already knows the date of his departure -
For that is determined by the age he was when he arrived...
Back at his death - when everything began...

Beyond the house the world runs backwards - 
The planet grows younger...
Technology regresses and wars undo themselves...
It is just how things are...
Turning the pages one last time...
He closes the book...
It annoys him that he must rest...
His ability to read is rapidly slipping away...
Maybe somebody will come and read him a story -
And then it will be time for his afternoon nap...
He gets so tired these days;
Now that time is short...

Life -
Where the end is actually just the beginning...
And where the beginning now clearly signals the end...
Life... Now it is nearly over...

All contents of this post are Copyright, Paul Chandler 2016.