FURRY FRIENDS AND DAFT DITTIES...

A NEW POEM ABOUT CATS...

Hello beasties!

What a handsome cat! Who is he? It's Deeley, of course! Isn't he sweet? (Believe me, you want to say yes or else you might find Deels sat on your head with a very disapproving expression on his face!) Originally I'd intended to gift you this new poem over Easter, instead of giving you an egg - but Shy Yeti's latest escapades got in the way instead. Poems are a lot better for you than eggs, of course - so I'm doing you a favour anyway! I know one shouldn't judge when one is as spherically-shaped as I am, but I do think you're all looking a little tubbier than normal, at the moment. Not worked off the Christmas pudding yet? I know... It's difficult. I actually lost some weight recently, but I'm STILL fat! Big-boned, I say... Boy! That's some large bone... Oh my... This is beginning to sound a tad X-rated, so I'm going to stop... Happy Easter, alright?! Enjoy Deeley!! There won't be ANY chocolate - just cattiness! Oh, yes... Catty to the end, that's me!

Oh - before I go any further I should stop to announce the exciting news that I have a date for my next Poetry Cafe show. It's going to be Friday 8th July 2016 and I'm also very glad to be able to announce that John Smallshaw has confirmed his availability. It just wouldn't be the same without him! Here's a poster advertising the event - which I intend to use as an opportunity to celebrate the recent publication of my A YETI WAY OF THINKING collection.

For that matter I'll probably end up performing the new poem included here - or one or two of the prose pieces published on the blog lately; you shall just have to come along and see for yourself.

Moving on, and you will, no doubt, have noticed that this is our second post of the week... It's just something I'm trying over Easter whilst I have an extra lot of material to share with you. This post contains the first poem that  have completed in quite some time - I actually started it last year and only recently returned to it thanks to all the pretty photos that Toby and I have been taking of daft Mr Deeley, of late...

So, I'm returning to old territory here - yes, indeed - it's a poem about cats with an obvious pun for a title! Yes, it's Shy Yeti at his daftest; I do hope you enjoy it, anyway! As I say, it's taken a while to finish and even when I thought I'd completed it, not so very long ago, I managed to over-write most of the last verse having spent all evening working on it! Luckily I could remember most of what I'd written - but not completely... Most frustrating! It's amazing how long a rather daft ditty can take to write - they're not dashed off in five minutes you know! Not at all! (No matter what those grumpy poets who never use rhyme may try and tell you about us "doggeral" writing folk...) I might add that I think it has echoes of one of my favourite cat poems that I have written, BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE - especially due to the little choruses at the beginning and end of the verse; these being last minute additions to the piece on the 5th April 2016. As I say, I kept on tinkering with this poem - I really need to get it posted and out there for you to have a look at! I do hope you like it...

Whilst I think of it, I have news on the next Poetry Cafe show - it seems more likely that it will take place in July, as it looks like they may have some Friday night slots free - whereas in May all those are gone. I am just waiting for confirmation on an exact date - but it's looking hopeful! For those of you who may have forgotten, this show is to celebrate the recent publication of A YETI WAY OF THINKING - my first completely new book of poems and stories since NOT AS SHY AS I WAS back in November 2013! I know! I know... I'm slowing down... There were times that I released three poetry books a year... Of course, in reality it's not that I've slowed down at all - but I am writing less prose and verse whilst I've been working on my script-books! It's nice to have a slightly different priority after all these years of making poetting my main project... All that said, I'm really very excited to share A YETI WAY OF THINKING with you - and I really love all the new material included in it - it's had time to be performed and for it to percolate until the versions that appear in the book are truly the best versions that I could have included.

Next week, in the first of two posts, I'm going to start telling you about the first season of my new script-book, KENSINGTON GORE, looking firstly at the characters that are involved before moving on to the story a little more the following week. After that I'll be sharing with you some behind-the-scene photos that I took to promote this project and the book will probably be out soon after that, in early to middle May. It's pretty much ready now, but I don't want to flood the Yeti market so soon after my last book... There will probably be another volume of each of my scripted-series coming out before the end of the year, but more on those when we get there!

In between each of the posts on the new script-book, the second post of each week - I intend to post a new yeti sketch or piece of prose... This way I keep a balance between promoting the new material and sharing new stuff that I'm working on which I publish exclusively on the blog.

Anyway, enough of that for now - time for that new poem - I hope you enjoy it!

More soon - take care!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PURRFECT...

It's quite a purrfect way of living - 

Is life curled up on a mat...

But would I really want their life?

The fur - the tail of just a CAT!?

And yet...

A cat's life IS all but purrfect...
They will do just as they please!
See them watch the goggle-box -
Perched there upon a strangers knees!

Their days are often quite a snooze...
But they don't seem to really care -
About what anybody thinks -
Concerning random nostril hair!
They do not keep a strict routine...
They leave most people quite in awe...
They have a confidence, unique...

Which you can hear within their snore...

There isn't much a cat need do -
Most focus though on taking naps...
They'll share their cheese with all the mice...
But still help set out all the traps...

A cat's life is simply purrfect...
In truth, it's really pretty swell...
They are gifted with nine lives...

Some moggies use them too... Do tell!

Some they like to see the world -
Dress up in a smart new suit...
They grab a cup of milk to go -
Then head off on their long commute!
Although it's rumoured some cats hunt -
Most you'll find curled in a ball...
A few will swing from chandeliers - 
Yet crash cross-eyed into a wall...

They'll give you love to earn their keep -
They truly are the chosen few...
But don't expect to work too hard -
To get themselves a good review...

A cat's life is really purrfect -

And so, there isn't any doubt...

That what a kitty wants they'll get -
Demands come loud as any shout...
You cannot tell a cat, "Just STOP!"

They will ignore those kind of words...

They'll never be best friends with mice -

With bunnies, gold-fish or with birds...
They cannot help the way they act -
Nor can they edit what they do...

It's just a puss-cat way of life -
Their love is earned; no say have you!
One minute ever-so alert...
The next they seem so darned sedate...
Yet each sleeping feline left to lie -
Is paused to pounce; just laid in wait!!

It's a purrfect way of living - 
Yes, you may disagree with that...

But if I get a second chance...

Then I'll demand, "MAKE ME A CAT!!"

The Deeley photos in this post were taken by both myself and Toby W - he took all the close-up shots, this time. All contents of this post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

EXTRA! EXTRA! THERE IS NO APRIL FOOL LIKE A FURRY FOOL...

COMING UP IN APRIL - AN EXTRA BIT OF YETI...

Hello beasties!

Now don't quote me on it - but I may be posting more than once a week during April... I have quite a bit to share with you regarding my new script-novel, KENSINGTON GORE - but I've also written a few short prose pieces, a poem and an increasing number of yeti sketches... The rate that I am going at the moment if I only post once a week then I'll have enough posts to last well into June - and there are things that I know are happening in June that I need to post about then! At any rate, it also makes up for me nattering on about my next book when you may just prefer silliness instead.

I won't stop - but, as I say - I may well be back mid-week with a new poem about a cat; sooner rather than later!

Enjoy the daft yeti sketch! What HAS the yeti been up to now?

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx
 

SHY YETI IS AN APRIL FOOL...

In which Shy Yeti is an April Fool and it isn't even the first of the month...

The following extract is from a Police recording that was made on Saturday the 2nd of April 2016.

Wimbledon Police Station...

OFFICER: (all very officially)

Mr Yeti do you understand why you have been brought in for questioning today...

SHY: (sounding a little vague)

I believe that I have been accused of causing a disturbance...

OFFICER: (politely, but trying to hide his impatience)

May I request that you cease mumbling and speak more clearly into the microphone, please sir...

SHY: (apologetic)

So sorry! I was just polishing off a slice of fruit cake that your assistant provided with my cup of tea...

OFFICER: (disapproving, slightly sarcastically)

How ironic, considering your recent debacle at the local bakers - I would have thought you would have wanted to keep away from any species of pastries...

SHY: (surprised)

Why ever would I want to do that, officer?

OFFICER: (shaking his head, seriously)

I think that your actions rather speak for themselves, Mr Yeti... Have you ever considered re-hab?

SHY: (mutters)

Have you ever considered finishing school, officer? Your manners really are appalling!

OFFICER: (patiently)

It was not my intention to offend, sir... I only wished to point out that you might benefit from some manner of counselling or nasal awareness classes...

SHY: (confused, distracted)

Nasal what, now?

OFFICER: (gently)

I was merely attempting to point out that your nose does have a tendency to get you into trouble...

SHY: (dismissively)

I really have no idea what you're on about, officer...

OFFICER: (reading from his notes)

I have a report here from a Dr Magda from St George's, Tooting - it's dated 24th March 2016, less than two weeks ago... Do you have any idea what it might concern?

SHY:

Remind me...

OFFICER:

You had an emergency appointment with Dr Magda due to nasal congestion... When they examined you they found two cup cakes and a bouquet of daffodils...

SHY: (distant, dreamily)

Oh! But they smell so lovely at this time of year - I couldn't help myself... The flowers, I mean - I have no idea where the cupcakes came from, they were probably just snacks that I was keeping there for a rainy day; my nostrils are really quite large and perfect for the storage of such items.

OFFICER: (sighing before continuing)

That's as may be - only you never actually paid for the daffodils...

SHY: (somewhat patronisingly)

I believe I passed out, as it happens, officer... Of course I would be only too happy to reimburse the stall-holder for any trouble caused; perhaps he might consider keeping his wares behind bars or glass from now on... They are terribly yummy of smell - no wonder the bees can't resist them...

OFFICER: (equally as patronising in return) 

Have you never heard of self-control?

SHY: (playing stupid)

No indeed, what ever is it? A cologne?

OFFICER: (ignoring him and continuing)

I have another report here...

SHY: (jumping in, defensively)

If it's anything to do with the time I was found basking in a swimming pool of melted ice cream then I'd like to remind you that I was on property belonging to my good friend, Simon. You can ask Charlie Grrr, he was there...

OFFICER: (chuckling slightly)

Really, I wouldn't try using Mr Grrr as a character witness... His crimes to both food, fashion and music would probably stretch between here and the moon?

SHY: (misunderstanding and seeming quite enthused)

Really? You think so? I must tell him - he'll be so pleased! That must be some kind of record...

OFFICER: (appearing unmoved and simply continuing)

Most probably, yes... I think we should probably move on - we don't seem to be making much progress... Mr Yeti... May I ask if you have any recall of the events that have led to you being questioned here today?

SHY: (acting unsure)

At the Wimbledon bakery?

OFFICER: (nodding)

Indeed...

SHY: (thinking for a moment before replying)

Well... If I remember correctly I fell...slipped, even... into a large steak and mushroom pie as it was being taken out of the oven...

OFFICER: (genuinely concerned)

That must have been very hot!

SHY: (again misunderstanding)

Oh yes, very sexy - very sexy indeed...

OFFICER: (attempting to explain himself)

I was referring to the contents of the pie - was the gravy not bubbling from the heat?

SHY: (nodding thoughtfully)

A little, maybe - my fur protects me pretty well and I suppose I've become almost used to it now, over time...

OFFICER: (raising an eyebrow)

This is not the first time that this has happened, I presume?

SHY: (proudly)

You're right... In fact, it's become quite a party piece... Some years ago I even published a book on the subject... PIES AND PUDDINGS THAT I HAVE FALLEN INTO AND THE YETI WHO LOVE THEM...

OFFICER: (becoming curious)

It sounds enticing... So, might you have been researching for a second volume when you fell into this particular pie?

SHY: (slightly bashful)

Officer! REALLY!? I couldn't possibly comment...

OFFICER: (giving up slightly, keen to conclude)

Perhaps we should wrap this up now before it gets out of hand... I merely wish you to reassure me that you won't be entering, uninvited, into any bakeries in the near future... Can't you just order your baked pastry goods on line and get them delivered like normal people do?

SHY: (surprised)

I thought only posh people did that... 

OFFICER: (not meaning any offence)

Well, I would certainly describe you as seeming quite posh, sir...

SHY: (quite blasé)

That's just because I was sent to elocution lessons when I was little... Oh, and I washed my fur last night, so I probably smell quite nice, for a change...

OFFICER: (mumbling)

Indeed you do...

SHY: (yammering on)

So kind... What were we saying? Oh... Supermarkets... You were suggesting that I order my shopping online rather than visiting the bakery in person; I didn't realise that this was such a common practice! Don't most people still just go into the shop, dragging half their family of screaming bratlings, their siblings, their mother-in-law - maybe the post-man and occasionally the neighbour's dog along with them? 

OFFICER: (kindly)

It does seem that way sometimes, doesn't it, sir? It also sounds like as a good a reason as any to avoid the shops altogether...

SHY: (lowering his voice in confession)

Perhaps you're right... I admit... I do find myself terribly tempted by the smell of bubbling cherry juices or beef gravy...

OFFICER: (joking playfully)

Not both in the same pie, I hope, sir...

SHY: (laughing)

You eat your pies and I'll eat mine... 

OFFICER: (concluding)

This is what I've been saying all along... I'm so glad you finally see things my way, Mr Yeti...

SHY: (smiling, glancing at his watch)

Yes... Well, that's as maybe... Just don't judge... One person's weird flavour concoction is another's tipper-topper-most favourite... Please remember that?!

OFFICER: (cheekily)

I will, sir... Just as long as you remember to keep from falling into pies from now on...

SHY: (coyly)

I'll do my best... Except for any scheduled visits, as it were...

OFFICER: (nodding, then continuing - sounding slightly embarrassed)

Yes, well - as long as you don't let any of those incidents get out of hand... Thank you... Oh... Whilst I think of it... You wouldn't happen to have a copy of that book of yours that you mentioned earlier, would you? 

SHY:

PIES AND PUDDINGS THAT I HAVE FALLEN INTO AND THE YETI WHO LOVE THEM?

OFFICER: (delicately)

That's the one... It's just that I have a... friend... who I think might find it quite enticing...

SHY: (quite pleased by the interest)

I'm sure I can find a copy for you... I'll even sign it for... your friend, officer... Who should I sign it to?

OFFICER: (slightly flustered)

PC George Furguson... I mean,.. Just George will do...

SHY:

Fabulous! Oh... Excuse me now... I think I might be about to sneeze... Ah... Ahhhh... Ahh chooo!!

THE OFFICER ATTEMPTS TO DUCK, BUT IS NOT QUICK ENOUGH... WHAT APPEARS TO BE A LARGE MUSHROOM SHOOTS FROM SHY'S NOSE AND HITS THE OFFICER RIGHT IN THE FACE... HE SEEMS MORE SHOCKED THAN HURT!

SHY: (apologetic)

Oh! I'm terribly sorry... I didn't get you in the eye, did I?

OFFICER: (brushing himself down)

No... No... That's fine... I'm fine! Would you like it back?

SHY: (slightly unsure)

I wouldn't mind... It must have got lodged there when I fell in the pie, back at the bakery... I suppose, strictly speaking, I've not paid for it... Do you think I should return it?

OFFICER: (a little awkwardly - getting to his feet)

I'm sure they won't mind if you kept it; considering where it's been for the last few hours! (he hands it back, quickly) I guess you could call it a form of payment, at any rate - it will probably have been good for business for the bakery to have had such a celebrity falling into one of their pies...

SHY: (all very innocent)

A celebrity? Who? Me? Oh, you are kind... Well, I better be going... I won't forget to send you that book, George old chap... So sorry about the whole sneezing business... Enjoy the rest of your day!

WITH THAT SHY YETI PUTS HIS COAT BACK ON, GIVES A MERRY LITTLE SALUTE AND HEADS OFF ON HIS WAY... ONCE THE YETI HAS GONE THE OFFICER PICKS UP THE PHONE AND THEN DIALS - IT DOESN'T TAKE LONG FOR SOMEONE TO ANSWER THE CALL...

OFFICER: (enthusiastically)

Bobby! It's me! You'll never guess who I just got sneezed on by! That SHY YETI... Yes! A mushroom shot out of one of his nostrils and hit me squarely in the eye! I can barely see! Still, it was kind of amazing, in a way... Exciting, even! I brought him in for questioning after an incident at the bakery - he claimed to have slipped into one of their pies... What do you mean you don't know who Shy Yeti is... Where have you been all your life? You know what, Bobby... I don't know why I bother with you sometimes... Really, I don't...

THE END...

PARTING NOTE:

Hello again beasties! Thank you for reading! Fact fans might like to know that I did actually sneeze just after writing the bit where Shy Yeti sneezes; thankfully a big mushroom did not shoot out of my nose... I think it was a stalk of broccoli on this occasion! Anyway! This piece was written in two sittings - on the train and during a break at work on Friday 1st April 2016, with a little re-working done just before it was posted. As promised, I'll be back some time in the week - with one post or other... Bye for now! Paul xx 

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.