TWO NEW POETRY VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE AND VIMEO

Hi, Just a quick update and some links to the two new videos that I have posted this week.

SHY YETI LIVE - 06/03/2010

A video from my show at the Poetry Cafe a couple of weeks back - more to follow in a day or two on this event with an indepth review of what occurred. This video includes three poems read that night: DISCO YETI, THE BALLAD OF TINY ELVIS and GRANNY ETHEL KEEPS THEM DECENT. You can see some of what went on before - during and after the show at either of these links:

Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opv3CYzCsQU

Vimeo link: http://www.vimeo.com/10267684


SHY YETI TALKS... IF POEMS WERE PIES, CAVEMAN LOGIC, THE SHY LIFE...

The first in an occasional series where I chat about my books and read some of the more obscure poems from them. This interview was conducted on Monday 8th March by Nick Goodman about the three books that I published in 2009 with a poem read from each: MICE, TAP-DANCING, YOUR CAT LIKES ME SO MUCH and MY CREATIVE GNU. This interview can be viewed at either link:

Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBSPl1aAWOM

Vimeo link: http://vimeo.com/10176882

To finish with here are a couple of photos from the Medicine Mouth show that I performed at back in February.

More videos and a new book coming soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

HAPPY CHRISTMAS FROM THE DAFFY POET!!

Hello...

Just a quick hello and a chance to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Thank you to everybody who has supported me this year - either by coming to my gigs, buying a book, accompanying me to open mike nights because it's scary going on my own, reading the blog or just chuckling when a read you a silly poem in person or sending me a nice bit of feedback when I emailed you one... Extra-special thanks this year especially go to Kirk, Calum, Robert, Nick, Neph, Tom and Harry for their help and support when I was putting books together or practicing for my gigs. For a shy yeti such as myself to even be doing gigs all on my lonesome is a big step and so I'm very happy to look back and feel I've achieved quite a bit in the last 12 months...

2009 has been my most prolific year ever, I would think - at least poetting wise! The final total is yet undetermined, but I have completed more than 175 poems so far this year; however I'm sure I'll write a few more before the end of the year. I'm really happy with how things are going - to have published three new collections, with a 4th one on the way and another in the very early stages feel a very positive thing! I'm also really pleased that I put together my SHY YETI RULES O.K. collection as a slimmer volume that I'm happy introduces my poetry in a confidant manner. All these projects (not to mention my day job and Mouse of Commons work!) certainly kept me off the streets; except for when I've gone out onto the streets to take daft photos to illustrate the poems - but that's just fun.

Aside from writing the individual poems these are some of the highlights of the year for me...

JANUARY: Putting the finishing touches to IF POEMS WERE PIES and making starting the new year off with a visit to the Poetry Cafe open-mike night.

FEBRUARY: Publishing IF POEMS WERE PIES and starting my next collection CAVEMAN LOGIC...

MARCH: My first gig at The Poetry Cafe to celebrate the launch of IF POEMS WERE PIES, another trip to POETRY UNPLUGGED - whilst I already have 50 new poems almost ready for CAVEMAN LOGIC... On top of all that I also put together a new compilation of my poems since 1992 called SHY YETI RULES O.K.

APRIL: Out and about over the Easter holidays taking photos for my books and posing with SHY YETI RULES O.K. as I write the final few poems for CAVEMAN LOGIC.

MAY: CAVEMAN LOGIC is almost complete and I begin to work on THE SHY LIFE, whilst taking loads of photos on various days out as we move towards summer...

JUNE: More trips away to Hull, Bridlington and Beverley - so more photos and more poems for THE SHY LIFE... CAVEMAN LOGIC comes out late in the month, a couple of weeks earlier than expected! I have also begun to use BLOGTV to preview some of my new poems...

JULY: I spend a lot of time on BLOGTV trying out some of my new poems and on the 12th July have my first book launch of the year for all the new books, including my latest Mouse of Commons collection of short stories.

AUGUST: Two and a half weeks of this month are spent overseas - travelling from Munich along the Danube to Vienna and then onto Budapest. Loads of photos taken, a couple of poems completed, THE SHY LIFE is proofread and much fun is had too! :) I am also preparing for my next gig...

SEPTEMBER: CAVEMAN LOGIC gig and BLOGTV gig are the two biggest highlights - as well as a return to open-mike night towards the end of the month and the start of my next collection DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?...

OCTOBER: My long weekend in Nice at the start of the month provides me with some new poems and plenty of photos for DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? (to be published early next year!) and the finishing touches are made to THE SHY LIFE.

NOVEMBER: THE SHY LIFE is published - another book launch and a trip to Krakow for my birthday which provides both photos and inspiration for DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

DECEMBER: Work on DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? continues, as I begin my next collection: LA MORT D'AMOUR/THE DEATH OF LOVE and post two Christmas poems from this new project...

As far as 2010 is concerned, I hope to be doing another gig in the spring and would like to go to a few more open-mike nights, not only at THE POETRY CAFE. I'd also like to go on BLOGTV a bit more again and try out some of the new poems from DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? before the book is finished. On the books front DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? should be published by March and I'll also keep working on LA MORT D'AMOUR/THE DEATH OF LOVE and see how that goes. 2010 is also the 10th anniversary of the first MOUSE OF COMMONS novel, so I want to do more mousey work to mark that occasion and the next book: POSTCARDS FROM MCWHISKERS should be out before the summer.

Unless I come up with something marvellous before new year - this may be my last post of 2009, so I want to finish with something new. As mentioned when I posted BLACKMAILING SANTA last week - my second Christmas offering is a rather dark and possibly quite depressing poem called CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS. I hope you enjoy it and the idea of a skeleton family celebrating (or not) Christmas isn't too disturbing for you. I'm sure Christmas Dr Who will be twice as unnerving - so it's just something to get you in the spooky festive mood!

I hope to post something more on the MOUSE OF COMMONS blog before Christmas - so do check that out around Christmas eve time...

Thanks again for all your support this year and if you didn't support me, then shame on you - I'd say Santa will come and spank you, but people like you probably enjoy that sort of thing! Tut! :)

Bye for now. Merry Christmas and a Happy 2010!!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

PS I do hope you enjoy some of the festive photos posted here - as usual some of them have that certain shy yeti something! (ie: pulling daft and silly faces!!)

CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS


Christmastime for Mr Skeleton –
Isn’t like for you and I...
He has to steal to get his tinsel…
For he has no pennies left to buy!
But decorations are essential –
Yes, it’s all he seems to need…
He can't enjoy Christmas like we do…
Because he cannot really feed!
Give him pudding if you like –
But see it slide back out again…
Watch gravy dripping off his bones –
It's simply better to abstain!
He may once upon a time have –
Quite adored some festive cake…
But alas, it's now not practical…
Crumbs! It’s a very bad mistake!
Yes, even just a glass of port –
It may really prove a danger!
Leaving dribbles on the floor –
Could there be a sight more stranger?
With decorations through each ear –
And a fairy on his head…
With a bauble for an eyeball –
Because it makes him feel less dead!
A crimson garland round his neck...
A little glitter on his clothes!
A string of lights across his shoulders –
And a fir cone up his nose!
He tries his hardest that’s for sure –
And he is certainly no slacker!
At least he’s never gonna choke –
Upon the contents of a cracker!
It’s just quite hard to be excited –
Or to embrace some Christmas cheer!
When it’s just not in your bones –
And you can’t grab a sneaky beer!
Well, he does his very best…
Despite the mess he may create!
Despite all the trials life deals –
When he’s early – still he’s late!


Christmastime for Mrs Skeleton –
Isn’t like for normal types…
So much mess goes on the floor!
She is awash with kitchen wipes!
Modern ways have not caught on –
Even though she now is dead!
With her husband fast asleep –
There’s still the budgie to be fed!
If she had her way she’d skip this –
It only gets her in a state…
She just looks silly decked in holly…
The dead don’t need to decorate…
No, they should lie within their graves –
And simply get some well-earned rest…
Maybe play a round of Snap…
But there’s no need for Sunday best!
There is no need to have the folks round;
There is no need to entertain…
Mrs S. she doesn’t want it –
For what on earth, now, can they gain?
Oh, what need they now with presents?
Yes, why need they swap a gift?
Mr S. still has his views –
“It simply gives the year a lift!”
It’s very easy though to say it…
But so much harder to arrange…
Mrs S she sits and dreams –
She’s really hoping for a change…
She will no longer wear that tinsel –
Keep stray baubles in her head…
No, she will face up to the fact –
That she’s okay with being dead!
Because this season ain’t for shopping –
It just wears out her bony feet…
It’s not for slaving in the kitchen –
On food she cannot ever eat!
There is no need for party games –
Nor to start that New Year diet!
This year all she wants for Christmas –
Is just a little peace and quiet…




CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS and all poems in this blog are copyright to Paul Chandler 2009.

COUNTDOWN TO "THE SHY LIFE"

Hello!

It's now less than a month until my next collection "THE SHY LIFE" is to be published, although at time of writing I still have about another two weeks of frantic proofreading to complete - but if all goes to plan the final version of the book should go to Lulu by Friday 23rd October, two weeks before the book launch on Friday 6th of November 2009. Keep your paws crossed for me, please.

In this post I intend to post a chronology of the writing of "THE SHY LIFE" to date as well as briefly covering my recent BLOGTV gig on the 30th September. I am also just back from Nice where I was working on my next collection "DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?" and have currently written more than a dozen new pieces with a number of others nearly complete. I was also taking some photos for this new collection whilst in France and am travelling to Poland to take some more in mid-November. You'll also see a few of the Nice photos in this post. Titles for the next book currently include: ASK NICELY..., BREAKING HEARTS IS SUCH A BITCH!!, THE CAFFEINE QUEEN..., A CHEERLEADER FOR YOU!!, D.J., DARLING..., DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?, FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE..., JUST HOW SLUTTY ARE LIBRARY BOOKS?, LOVELY LIES..., LOVE YOU, STINKY..., THE MYSTERIOUS ART OF LUMPOLOGY..., NEIGHBOURS FOR NOW..., A SAINT OR A SINNER!?, SECOND 29TH BIRTHDAY..., A VAMPIRE FOR CAKE...

Once "THE SHY LIFE" is off to the printers I will post another entry and include one of the new poems from this collection.

But for now - here is how the new book came to be almost ready for publication!

I hope you find it and some of the photos of interest! The cover of "THE SHY LIFE" that appears in the photos is slightly different from the finished version - sadly the pink fluffy hat has been banished!! :)

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE SHY LIFE - A TIME LINE

APRIL 2009

9th April – THERE AREN’T ANY NEW TRICKS, the first poem for THE SHY LIFE is begun – only another 7 months and the book will be published!

MAY 2009

12th May – THERE AREN’T ANY NEW TRICKS completed.

26th May – THE SHY LIFE first mentioned on my blog as the tentative title for the collection after CAVEMAN LOGIC.

During May a total 12 new poems are completed for the collection.

JUNE 2009

18th June – THE SHY LIFE is mentioned on my blog and is developing nicely!

20th June – MAKING TOAST FOR THE ENEMY is the first poem from THE SHY LIFE to be read during my 4th broadcast on BLOGTV.

24th June – THE FLAMINGO WHO HATED PINK read on my 6th BLOGTV show.

During June a total of 20 new poems are completed for the collection.

JULY 2009

2nd July – An entry on my blog discusses that THE SHY LIFE poems have been debuted on BLOGTV. On the same day I read PROUD TO BE A LIBRARIAN and FULL OF HOT AIR during my 11th BLOGTV.

4th July – During the second half of my 12th broadcast on BLOGTV I debut 4 new poems from THE SHY LIFE: HOLLYWOOD: LOW BUDGET, IF YETI WERE SHY, IT’S EASY BEING NICE IF YOU’VE A BUTLER and KISS ME QUICK.

6th July – During my 13th broadcast I read KISS ME QUICK again as I had run out of time during the previous show.

7th July – Located lost notebook containing a number poem ideas from a trip to Oslo in November 2008 and decided that they were worth finishing. These poems included THE UNAFFORDABLE FJORD, AN ESKIMO IN MY TEA and A LITTLE VIKING.

11th July – During my 15th broadcast I read RESCUING BEARCUBS ON BUSES and the AFFORDABLE FJORD in the first half of the show and A LITTLE VIKING, ARREST ME, HANDSOME and AN ESKIMO IN MY TEA during the second half.

15th July – An entry on my blog claims: THE SHY LIFE will be ready by November.

20th July – During my 18th broadcast I debut A DARK SIDE TO YOU.

21st July – During my 19th broadcast I debut I MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY BAD, I’M JUST TOO GOOD FOR THE MOVIES, IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME in the first half of the show and I’VE HAD ENOUGH, A FETE WORSE THAN DEATH and PARALLEL WORLD during the second half.

During July a total of 16 new poems are completed for the collection.

AUGUST 2009

1st-18th August – Proofreading for THE SHY LIFE is carried out during my Munich to Budapest trip, travelling along the Danube via Vienna. The last two poems are completed: THE CREATIVE GNU and COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER. Also whilst away many photos which appear in the finished book are taken.

22nd August – I debut THE CREATIVE GNU and COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER during my 20th BLOGTV broadcast.

25th August – An entry on my blog mentions that the proofreading has been done whilst away – around this time I am adding photos from the book to the existing copy. The first poem to be posted from THE SHY LIFE also appears in this blog entry: THE CREATIVE GNU, one of the poems that I completed on holiday.

During August the final 2 poems are completed and proofreading begins.

SEPTEMBER 2009

7th September – A 254 page draft of THE SHY LIFE is sent to Lulu.com and 2 copies are produced. The finished books needs to be edited down by approximately 4 pages and photos and a report from the September gig will be added.

8th September – During a blog entry the full list of poem titles from THE SHY LIFE is revealed, as well as the publication date (Friday 6th November), the page count and price. Another of the holiday poems: COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER is posted at the same time, only the 2nd poem from the new book to be posted, so far.

11th September – The draft Lulu version of THE SHY LIFE arrives and I begin to make some changes, reducing the number of screen-grabs used in the BLOGTV section, lightening some of the photos and adding this TIME LINE section.

16th September – At my CAVEMAN LOGIC gig on this day I read 4 poems from THE SHY LIFE. These were: COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER, HOLLYWOOD: LOW BUDGET, IF YETI WERE SHY and KISS ME QUICK.

30th September – Now busy with my next book: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS, I do a BLOGTV show version of my recent Poetry Café gig, with a couple of changes: IF YETI WERE SHY, RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR, THINGS AIN’T WHAT THEY USED TO BE (PT 1), READY, TEDDY, GO…, WAVES, THE CAFFEINE QUEEN, BREAKING HEARTS IS SUCH A BITCH!!, UNFULFILLED, FLAUNT TRADITION, KISS ME QUICK, HERBAL TEABAGS, LAS VEGAS LIPS, THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY, CAVEMAN LOGIC, THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR, FLOOZY, SOON ON YOUR WAY, COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER, THE TRUE LIGHT, A LEARNING EXPERIENCE, I WILL EAT PIES, DISCO, EXIT PURSUED BY A YETI

OCTOBER 2009

1st – 4th October – Continued final proofreading of THE SHY LIFE and work on new material. Having received the draft hard copy from Lulu I work on final editing during a trip to Nice between the 1st and the 4th of October - with only a few changes to be made on my return...

Here are some of the photos from the Nice trip - THE SHY LIFE should reach the printers by 23rd October and be ready for my book launch on 6th November... Postal strikes allowing!

SHY YETI’S FIRST 2009 BOOK LAUNCH

SUNDAY, 12th JULY 2009, FITZROVIA

On Sunday 12th July I held my first book launch of 2009, in both The Cock Tavern and Horse & Groom on Great Portland Street, Fitzrovia. We were launching CAVEMAN LOGIC as well as the new, finally released GOSSIP FROM THE CHEESE COUNTER collection - and also celebrating the arrival, earlier in the year of IF POEMS WERE PIES and SHY YETI RULES O.K.

Here are some photos from the day. Thank you to Harry, Calum, Gareth, Andrew, Lloyd, Tom, Robert, Andy and Gibson for coming along on the day.

More news on my BLOGTV broadcasts, September gig, November book launch and forthcoming collection: THE SHY LIFE over the next few months.

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF AGAIN!!

Well, I'm getting a little ahead of myself here... I'm posting you up a new poem - hot off the press, which I've only just finished writing not minutes ago... So it won't be in the next book CAVEMAN LOGIC, but probably in my collection after that, tentatively entitled: THE SHY LIFE (LICENCE TO POET...) More about the new poem in a minute - let's discuss CAVEMAN LOGIC a little more, first... There will be more details soon, but it's looking as if the collection will be out mid-July, in time for my book launch party - as I'm currently nearly finished doing final rewrites and proofreading and am about to order my first observation copy (so I can see how it looks before I attempt to sell it to anyone and ensure that I'm happy with it!)

What I can tell you is that it will be 200 pages long and contains 67 new compositions; with a final set-list of titles, as follows:

ATTACK CAT
BACK WHEN THE INTERNET WAS YOUNG
THE BALLAD OF BOROUGH MARKET
BEARS AREN’T MEANT TO BE BALLERINAS
BE MY VALENTINE
BETWEEN YOU & I
BRAND NEW PULLING PANTS
BUY ME A POET’S LICENCE
THE CACTUS KID
CAN’T YOU STOP IT RAINING
CAVEMAN LOGIC
CHARMING!!!
THE DEPARTMENT OF SHODDY WORKMANSHIP
DISPOSABLE DARLING
DOOR-TO-DOOR PSYCHOPATH
DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE ME?
EATING GARLIC BREAD IN THE BATH
EDNA LOVELYSHOES
FOXED
GOOD CUBS TURNED BAD
THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY
HER ONLY FRIEND, THE BEAR
HER STAR BURNS BRIGHTLY
HE’S NOT ALL THAT
HIS EYES AREN’T AS BIG AS HIS STOMACH
I ALWAYS ASSUMED YOU WERE GAY
I COULD’VE BEEN
IF A CAVEMAN & A YETI HAD A FIGHT…
I HOPE I’LL BE THE NEXT IN LINE
I’LL GET YOU
I’M A MYSTERY TO HIM!!
I’M GLAD YOU SEE IT MY WAY
I’M NO HARDER THAN A SOFT MARSHMALLOW
THE INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY OF FISH
I WANT TO DISCO DANCE AROUND YOUR BRAIN
LAMINATED YETI
LAMPSHADE ESQ.
THE LAST LOVE LETTER
THE LAST PERSON I WANT TO FIGHT IS ME
LITTLE MISS LIMELIGHT STEALER
THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WITCH
NEVER SAW IT COMING
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING
NO GOING BACK
NOT AS LOVELY IN REAL LIFE
NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE
NOT THE MOST HONEST CAT IN THE WORLD
OLD BAG FOR LIFE
OUT OF WORK ACTORS
OWLS IN BRAS
PENTHOUSE SWEETHEART
THE PICK-POCKETING FOX
PSYCHOPATHIC POPPADOMS
ROBOTS AND WRONG’UNS
SARCASM VS SURREALISM
SNOW BUNNIES!!!
SO SORRY I’M LATE
SUBURBAN SUPERSTAR
THEY ALWAYS KNEW HE’D BE A VILLAIN
A WEENY BIT KEEN
WE NEED A LITTLE TALK
WHAT HAVE WE DONE?
YOU’RE PERFECT!!!
YOU GOT ME WHERE I AM TODAY!!
YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL
YOUR CAT LIKES ME SO MUCH…
YOU WON’T BE PRETTY, ONE DAY

More soon...

And so, to finish with, a very new poem...

It's called MAKE ALL YOUR LIES TRUE... It came from hearing a song lyric about hearing a lie and wanting it to be true; it was only a very short phrase, but made me think it was worth turning into a poem in it's own right... In fact, I've tried to write the piece as a song, of sorts - it has verses, a chorus and even a middle eight!! As I say, it's a first draft and may change before it's published in bookform, but see what you think... Before anyone asks though, I have not been recently wronged in love and this is not a reaction to some tragic heartbreak - I just wrote it... That's all... Okay! Just thought I should set the matter straight before I get overrun with consoling Facebook messages. Everything is rosey in the garden of yeti... Thank you for your concern though...

Oh go read the poem! :)

Furry thoughts!!

Paul x

MAKE ALL YOUR LIES TRUE
26/05/2009

Well, you say I'm your love…
That you don't want us to part…
But, you're keeping me waiting…
Slowly crushing my heart…
Well, I know that you're fibbing…
And I've learnt all your lies…
For I've heard them before…
And I've seen with my eyes…
You'll say one thing to me…
But then you go do another…
So how may lies still to come?
That you've kept undercover?

Why don't you make all your lies true?
Try and mean what you say...
Can't you ever be honest…
Should I leave? Should I stay?
Can't you make a decision?
About what you want us to do?
Can't you stand by your words, love?
Please, make all your lies true?

Well, you tell me you love me…
And you say that you're mine…
That there's nobody else…
That we're both doing fine…
But I know that you're lying…
'Cos I've seen you out dancing…
Yes, it's some other woman…
That you're busy enhancing…
Well, you say you still want me…
But this I do not believe…
There's only one thing you could do…
Which might earn you reprieve…

Can't you make all your lies true?
Do you want me or not?
You can't keep me just hanging...
Have you untied our knot?
Do you want me forever?
So, is there somebody new?
Your white lies are all bruised...
Why don't you make your lies true?

Well, you claim we're in love…
As, indeed, we once were…
How can you say you still love me?
When you're still seeing her?
Well, I know you're untruthful…
Because I've followed you round…
I have read all your emails…
I have heard every sound…
Every word that you've said -
Every letter you've sent her...
When she kisses your lips…
Leaves a trace of magenta…

Oh, the taste of betrayal is sweet and it's cloying…
You will not speak the truth, just a pattern of lies...
When she calls in the night it is more than annoying…
When you're telling me tales, no, you won't meet my eyes…

Won't you make your lies true?
Or do I just not deserve it?
If you don't want what we had -
What's the point to preserve it?
You want your cake and to eat it -
It's something I've always known...
You're real intent is deceit…
All those lies that were sown…
You won't say what you mean…
All the facts have been slurred…
We've been living a lie…
It's time that everyone heard…
It's time that everyone saw…
What I've been living through…
But no amount of me hoping…
Will ever make your lies true...

COPYRIGHT, PAUL CHANDLER / SHY YETI 2009.

NEWS UPDATE: MORE OPEN-MIKE AND 2 NEW BOOKS DUE BY JULY!!!

I am in the process of typing the 50th poem of the next book: CAVEMAN LOGIC, which I expect to be ready by July this year. This particular poem is called I'M A MYSTERY TO HIM. It's not ready to post on here, but I intend to post a new poem at the end of this post. I am also putting together a more concise book on my poems from 1992 to current day called FURRY FAIRY TAILS which I aim to use as an introduction to my poetry and it includes poems that seem to have gone down well at gigs and open-mike nights, as well as some of my personal favourites and a couple as-yet unpublished poems. I expect this collection to be ready by early April, if all goes well - as I was taking photos for the front cover only yesterday and the project is nearly ready to go to Lulu.

In addition to new books I have provisionally announced 3 further writing events in 2009 - a book launch / pub crawl in July, another gig at the Poetry Cafe on Sunday 6th September and another book launch close to my birthday in November.

Not only that but on tuesday I returned to the Poetry Unplugged night at the Poetry Cafe and read three more poems; please read on and learn more...

POETRY UNPLUGGED - TUESDAY 17TH MARCH 2009

This was my first visit since early January due to being busy with my previous collection IF POEMS WERE PIES and with the 1st March gig. I was accompanied by my friend Maggie Hughes and read 3 poems just before the end of the first half. There were over 30 poets on the night and a good St Patrick’s Day time was had by all.

These were the poems that I read:

MICE TAP-DANCING
FROM: IF POEMS WERE PIES (2009)

I choose this poem to start with, it’s one of my favourites from the last book and I thought it would be a good one to warm people up with. In my experience it takes a poem or so to warm people up to your specific style – especially in an open-mike night where they are all sorts of poems being read.

WE WERE GOING TO BE WED (WHEN WE BOTH HIT 40)
FROM: IF POEMS WERE PIES (2009)

One of my favourites from the last collection – this seemed to get people laughing and there were even a couple of gasps; it’s possible somebody had just swallowed the head of the person in front of them – but I’d like to think it was because people were enjoying the poem. Who knows… 

A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
FROM: ROLLERCOASTER (2002)

This poem is a pretty old one, from my second collection – but it’s the one that people came up to me and said they most enjoyed at the gig on the 1st of March – so I was keen to read it again in front of the poetry fans at the open-mike night. Sure enough it also seemed to go down well on this occasion – which made me a very happy yeti! It’s always nerve-wracking trying to read well when you only have a 5 minute slot – but these poems seemed to fit that time just fine before the end of the first half!!

And to finish with here is one of the new poems from CAVEMAN LOGIC...

Enjoy!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul :) x

BACK WHEN THE INTERNET WAS YOUNG

OR: THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET IN JUST FOUR VERSES…


Before the advent of the e-mail –
Before all the songs were sung!
The world was far more simple!
Back when the Internet was young!

Back when the Internet was young –
In the days of caves and flint!
In the days of dinosaurs –
Well, they could have made a mint!
Yes, they could have made a mint –
But not one with a hole…
Because the wheel was not around –
Nor was it round! How very droll!
Yes, they could have made a fortune!
If there’d been shopping on the net…
If dinosaurs had not been eaten –
And not just kept there as a pet…
Back when the Internet was young –
Well, there was no web-site dating!
In fact no-one loved at all…
All folk did was lots of hating…

Back when the Internet was young –
In Medieval times and such…
The net was worked by clockwork –
And no-one used it very much!
It was powered by a treadmill –
By an athletic troupe of mice…
And used by those in peril –
Or by those who sought advice!
Queen Liz the First she surfed it –
To obtain astounding quips!
Henry the 8th he also used it –
To gain new execution tips…
Back when the Internet was young –
No Online Poker Games to play…
There was no Amazon nor Facebook;
There was no Myspace and no e-bay!

Back when the Internet was young –
In the days of Sherlock Holmes…
Crimes were solved upon the net…
Despite the rationing of ohms!
Despite plagues and wars and fires –
Despite the art of body popping…
The Internet simply grew larger –
Even the Bard went online shopping!
In the early days of broadband –
The Magna Carta kept things slow…
Churchill played chess with Hitler –
When he won life came to blows!
Oh, when the Internet was young –
And the tube still ran on time…
The online world was nice and safe!
And there were no scams; no crime…

Back when the Internet was young –
In London Town throughout the Blitz!
Well, the Germans seized the net –
And they flooded it with tits…
Well, it’s never been the same since –
From the 50s through to punk –
But the web’s become polluted –
Folk have filled it full of junk…
Mrs Thatcher used to tease it –
Whilst Tony Blair just used to hunt it!
But the net’s now such a menace –
That no bugger will confront it!
Back when the Internet was young –
It fought a war against the pager…
Well, it was innocent back then –
But now it’s become a foul teenager!

Things will never be the same now –
By our petards we’re duly hung…
We’ve unleashed a giant monster!
The net revolution’s only just begun!!

MY FIRST COVENT GARDEN GIG

POETRY CAFE, SUNDAY 1ST MARCH 2009, 19.30-21.00

I launched the new collection IF POEMS WERE PIES at my gig on sunday, by reading a selection of poems old and new. The first half was a mixture of poems that I've written in the last 10 years, a smattering of verse from all my books since 2001's JUNK/FOOD and in the second half I also read poems from IF POEMS WERE PIES and my work in progress: CAVEMAN LOGIC. The poems from IF POEMS WERE PIES were a mixture of my own favourites and ones that the audience called out the titles of.

This is pretty much the order in which I read the poems – but I did juggle around the order a bit from the list that appeared in the programme, so it’s not 100% correct – but near enough and these are definitely all the poems I read. There was a last minute addition to the first half of the show as the previous day Kirk and I had help catch a thief in Romford (yes, really!) and so I read the superhero poem SUPER YETI AND COSMIC BEAR. I also read THE BALLAD OF CAUSEY HILL (as my flatmate, Calum inspired it and he was in the audience), A LIFE TOGETHER (for my friend Julie, also in the audience), ANOTHER PATHETIC ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT (for Nick, who came up to speak at the microphone about the origins of that particular poem) and finally THE DEPARTMENT OF SHODDY WORKMANSHIP (from CAVEMAN LOGIC for Kirk, who inspired that title).

In addition to this I really enjoyed the impromptu calling out of titles from IF POEMS WERE PIES that I did in the second half too and will hopefully do that next time.

FIRST HALF

YETI SPAGHETTI
THE TRUE LIGHT
I SHOULD NEVER
SUPER YETI AND COSMIC BEAR
THIRD TIME LUCKY
MY MOMENT IS NOW
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
PARTY GIRL
SO MUCH LOVE…
PICCADILLY CIRCUS
LITTLE PIG
THE UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE
BLUE EYED LOVER
OH, FLORENCE!!
MY DOG IN A DRESS
INGRID BERGMAN’S NOSE
THE BALLAD OF CAUSEY HILL
WHO CARES?
ANOTHER PATHETIC ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT
A LIFE TOGETHER
SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA

SECOND HALF

DISCO YETI
CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND
OVER YOU
I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR GROUPIE
BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD
BEING COY
IF POEMS WERE PIES…
THE DAGENHAM DIVA (SELECTED BY AUDIENCE)
FRONT PAGE NEWS (AUDIENCE)
I LOVE HOW MUCH I HATE YOU (AUDIENCE)
THE KING OF RHYME
MICE TAP-DANCING
SIR SIMON DE YETI (AUDIENCE)
MY DEAD DAD
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING
THE DEPARTMENT OF SHODDY WORKMANSHIP
CAT THIEF
I WILL EAT PIES

I have already booked a slot at The Poetry Cafe for another gig on Sunday 6th September 2009, when I intend to launch the CAVEMAN LOGIC collection (if it's ready!!) I'm thinking slide-shows, powerpoint presentations, cupcake eating contests, bears dressed as Cher and dancing suet puddings - but we'll just have to see how far the budget stretches.

I'll be posting some more new poems from IF POEMS WERE PIES over the next few weeks and putting some more photos from the gig up too, most probably.

Thanks to all those who came along on sunday - I very much appreciate the support and an extra special thank you to Kirk.

Bye for now!!

Paul x