SHY YETI GOES BACK TO SCHOOL!!Hello beasties!!
This time on the blog we have another Shy Yeti script for you - but first up there is news on recent podcast episodes, as follows:
Here we are for episode SIXTY FOUR - where Mr Yeti is beginning to regret a heavy night on the town... There is no flaunting his responsibilities - he's going to have to be a man about it all! There are also poems, appearances by our regulars and the introduction of a brand new member of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST family!?!, Our next episode, number 65 - is called GOOD TO TALK and involves lots of random chatter - much of it about some of Mr Yeti's recent favourite things! It'll be out soon!! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 64 was recorded between the 23rd January and 28th March 2017.
64: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-64-the-dragon-child-an-almost-april-fool-for-2017
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 65: GOOD TO TALK!!
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
Here we are for episode SIXTY FIVE - where Paul launches into an enthusiastic waffle about some of the things that he is currently keen about. We have a number of guest stars this time - Harry, Jo and Toppie Smellie amongst them; not only that but the regulars get to ask some probing questions about Mr Yeti. Our next episode, number 66 - sees us getting to have a chat with another of the LOTSL team! Following that in episode 67 and 68 Mr Yeti embarks on an unexpected and somewhat unnerving journey in an exciting two part adventure!! All three episodes will be out soon!! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca with Sound FX by Soundbible. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 65 was recorded between the 3rd February and the 27th March 2017.
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 66: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO THATPETERG...
Here we are for episode SIXTY SIX - where Paul finally gets the chance to speak to ThatPeterG from LOTSL. They discuss a whole range of subjects from music to films, from food and travel to books and pets - and then loads more on top of that! There is also a flashback to the time that Dameus interviewed the LOTSL crew. Our next episode, number 67 is currently being edited by our crack team of podcast editors... (Hurry up, Deeley - you're taking ages!) but we're not quite sure which one will be ready first... Anyway! It'll be out soon! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 66 was recorded on 2nd April 2017 (although it was mostly still the 1st April for Peter!).
66: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-66-the-world-according-to-thatpeterg
Well, that's about it for now...
Well, that's about it for now...
Next time I'll probably be updating you on what I got up to whilst I was down in Kent - I hope to report a week of busy creativeness... But did it work out?! Find out next week...
Yeti hugs,
Paul xx
P.S. This script was written between 26th January and the 22nd February 2017, although the original idea came to me in the summer of 2016.
Setting: Shy Yeti is visiting a local college - he is due to give a lecture to an evening class about the rather specific subject of Yeti Poetics...
PROFESSOR PLATH - HEAD OF POETICS: (respectfully)
Well now, Mr Yeti... I am very glad you could make it tonight... I'm sure the students will very much enjoy your lecture on...
SHY: (proudly)
Yeti poetics, Geoffrey... May I call you, Geoffrey?
PROFESSOR PLATH: (somewhat snootily)
Call me what you like, my actual name is Susan...
SHY: (confused)
Isn't that a girl's name?
PROF PLATH: (sounding hurt)
Not if you're a man, it's not... It's my name...
SHY: (brightly)
Ah yes, well, of course... Yeti Poetics...
PLATH: (confused)
What's that?
SHY: (enthusiastically)
The subject of my lecture!
PLATH: (curious)
Ah yes, right - I see... Will there be much rhyming tonight?
SHY: (unsure)
I'm sorry?
PLATH: (trying to explain himself a little better)
Well, I presume that you'll be reading a number of your poems as well as delivering a lecture...
SHY: (annoyed by his tone, but trying not to show it)
Ah yes... That's true... In which case, yes - there will be rhymes on offer... Will that be a problem?
PLATH: (pretentiously)
It doesn't bother me... I mean, I can take or leave rhyme - but I suppose it doesn't harm anyone too much when it exists; of course, some people are ridiculously snobby about it...
SHY: (gritting his teeth)
They certainly are...
PLATH: (as if he's doing everyone a favour)
I do try not to be...
SHY: (smiling sweetly)
How good of you... Well, this is something that I will be discussing in my talk... A good poem is a good poem whether it rhymes or not - but whether it works for each reader is up to that person to decide.... Anyway... Don't get me started... I just feel poets should be supportive of all forms of poetry - even the type of poetry that pretty much sound like it's prose written in stupidly short sentences...
PLATH: (very holier than thou, without realising it)
They call is free verse - and you know it...
SHY: (losing his cool, somewhat)
I'm sorry... I don't mean to criticise - but it often feels that people take it far beyond the point of poetry until they might as well just be writing an essay... And yet if I even consider writing a poem using rhyme - or worse still a poem that is trying to be funny and possibly uses a bit of rhyme... Well, it's like I just kidnapped a bag of kittens and sold them to a bunch kitten-eating ne'er-do-wells....
PLATH: (apologetically, remaining calm)
Ah yes, well - I get your point... It does seem a little unfair at times... Sure, I may not be the biggest fan of rhyme - but nobody should be criticised for their creative life choices... At any rate, from what I've heard you do, at least, try to make a decent effort of it... The words you match seem to snuggle comfortably together in apparent harmony...
SHY: (gritting his teeth)
They certainly are...
PLATH: (as if he's doing everyone a favour)
I do try not to be...
SHY: (smiling sweetly)
How good of you... Well, this is something that I will be discussing in my talk... A good poem is a good poem whether it rhymes or not - but whether it works for each reader is up to that person to decide.... Anyway... Don't get me started... I just feel poets should be supportive of all forms of poetry - even the type of poetry that pretty much sound like it's prose written in stupidly short sentences...
PLATH: (very holier than thou, without realising it)
They call is free verse - and you know it...
SHY: (losing his cool, somewhat)
I'm sorry... I don't mean to criticise - but it often feels that people take it far beyond the point of poetry until they might as well just be writing an essay... And yet if I even consider writing a poem using rhyme - or worse still a poem that is trying to be funny and possibly uses a bit of rhyme... Well, it's like I just kidnapped a bag of kittens and sold them to a bunch kitten-eating ne'er-do-wells....
PLATH: (apologetically, remaining calm)
Ah yes, well - I get your point... It does seem a little unfair at times... Sure, I may not be the biggest fan of rhyme - but nobody should be criticised for their creative life choices... At any rate, from what I've heard you do, at least, try to make a decent effort of it... The words you match seem to snuggle comfortably together in apparent harmony...
SHY: (joking and yet mixing in a little sarcasm)
I... err... Well, thank you... That's very... I ought to choose my words carefully; I'd hate to say anything that might rhyme and offend you... You might prefer that I speak in free-verse, maybe?
PLATH: (blithely)
No... No... It's fine... Conversation is not art - people just bandy words about like they're giving them away free...
SHY: (thoughtfully)
I guess... Actually, I do try to think before I speak... Although Mrs Muggins, my landlady at college might disagree with you that time I drunk too much honey and ended up singing somewhat blue-tinged sea shanties until all hours of the morning... I believe I called her "an overweight badger-sniffing dinglebat..." To be fair I did once catch her sniffing a badger, but she claimed that it was a close personal friend of hers so I really ought not to judge...
PLATH: (somewhat agog)
I... Err... You're probably right... Anyway... Do help yourself to a coffee - did they give you tokens to use?
SHY: (brightly)
Ah, yes... (holds up some tokens in a little plastic bag) These, right?
PLATH: (kindly, but distracted)
Those are they! I'll leave you to sort yourself - give you a few moments to prepare... You've got plenty of time - I'll come and get you in about half an hour...
SHY NODS AND PROFESSOR PLATH HURRIES OFF - LEAVING SHY TO EXAMINE THE COFFEE MACHINE... IT LOOKS QUITE BAFFLING, BUT HE DOES HIS BEST TO PRETEND THAT HE KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON WITH IT, MUTTERING TO HIMSELF... HOWEVER, HE DOESN'T NOTICE WHEN A TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME YETI APPEARS BEHIND HIM...
TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME (TDH YETI): (helpfully)
Do you need some help? I'm an expert with that thing, you know!
SHY: (pleasantly surprised, slightly admiringly)
Oh... Well... Umm... If you like... I mean, that would be very nice of you...
TDH YETI: (almost suggestively)
What are you looking for?
SHY: (curious, intrigued)
Ohh... You know... What have you got?
TDH YETI: (not suggestively at all)
There's a menu there... Coffee... Hot chocolate... Tea...
SHY: (slightly confused, pretends not to be)
Oh, yes... Yes... I see... Sorry...
VOICE: (politely)
You do know there's a canteen if you prefer...
SHY LOOKS UP - HE RECOGNISES THE VOICE AND IS SURPRISED TO FIND IT BELONGS TO A RATHER ODD LOOKING DINNER LADY - ONLY ON CLOSER INSPECTION DOES HE REALISE THAT IT ISN'T A LADY AT ALL - IT IS HIS FRIEND, TOPPIE - DRESSED UP AS ONE!
SHY: (pleasantly surprised)
Oh! Topster! What are you doing here? I thought you were at home packing...
TDH YETI: (confused)
I'm sorry... Do you know this person?
SHY: (uncertain)
Err... Yes.. .I do...
TDH YETI: (curious)
Is this your mother?
TOPPIE: (surprised, displeased)
I am NOT his mother!
TDH YETI: (vaguely apologetic)
Okay, well sorry... It's just that you look like someone's mother...
SHY: (attempting to explain)
I know... He does a bit... It's a disguise... It's a bit complicated to explain, really...
TDH YETI: (losing interest and stalking off)
I'll leave you to it then... See you around...
SHY: (frowning)
Oh... Really! (he seems a little sad) I think he thought I was a fellow student...
TOPPIE: (apologetically)
Oh... Blimey... Sorry... Was he a potential beau...I didn't realise!
SHY: (distracted/confused)
Oh... I doubt it... Very handsome though... Never mind, aye... Why ARE you dressed like that, Toppie?
TOPPIE: (lowering voice)
Just keeping an eye on you... You never know who might be around...
SHY: (baffled, but chuckling)
Fair enough... But why dress up as a dinner-lady? You could have come as a student - hell, you could have come as my friend, no questions asked...
TOPPIE: (embarrassed)
Oh! Jeepers... I never thought of that! It's fine... I've always wanted to dress as a dinner lady, to be honest... It's the next best thing to dressing as a drag queen or one of your Pantomime Dames...
SHY: (briefly reflecting)
Ah! I've always dreamt of playing the Panto Dame.. .One day, maybe... Who knows...
TOPPIE: (brightening)
We should do a Pride48 pantomime...
SHY: (curious, confused)
As a podcast? Would that actually work? Listen... It's very good of you to come here and keep an eye out for me, but I thought you were picking up your emergency passport today...
TOPPIE: (slightly awkwardly)
Oh, it wasn't ready... They said it'll take another couple of days...
SHY: (surprised, disappointed for his friend)
Oh... Well... No problem... They're really dragging their heels considering this is meant to be an emergency visa! Oh well... You must be careful... So, is there any sign of the cat?
TOPPIE: (trying not to sound too worried)
Not at the moment... Still, maybe he'll just follow me back to the States... I'm going to have to be careful...
SHY: (reassuringly)
Oh no... I'm sure you'll be fine... We'll sort out what's going on before you have to leave...
TOPPIE: (sadly)
We don't even know what he wants! That horrid cat, I mean... Tolstoy... Do you think your cat, the lovely Deeley could try and find out?
SHY: (unsure)
I'm not sure I want to encourage that... I dunno... The whole thing is bizarre... Maybe he's just a plot-device... Had you considered that?
TOPPIE: (looking distracted)
Could be! Ah well! I suppose I should let you go... You have to give this lecture, don't you?
SHY: (slightly grumpily)
Once I've gulped back a cup of coffee - that's if I could find one...
TOPPIE: (suddenly remembering, pleased)
I brought you a flask! (he takes it from his apron pocket and hands it over)
SHY: (cheered)
Toppie! Wow! You're a miracle worker...
TOPPIE: (grinning)
To be honest I thought I was going to be late - I usually am... I thought I was going to miss you and not get the coffee to you ; but no... I made it...
SHY: (lowering tone, supportively)
Your mascara does look a little smudged - but I don't think anybody would notice...
TOPPIE: (reassuringly in return)
Don't worry - I'll keep an eye out for you...
SHY: (appreciative)
If you would... Thank you... And thank you again for the flask...
TOPPIE: (chuckling to self)
My pleasure!! Now... Run along Toppie, right?
SHY NODS - PULLING A HALF-EMBARRASSED, YET FRIENDLY FACE BEFORE HE FINDS HIMSELF A TABLE AS TOPPIE HEADS AWAY. ONCE AWAY DOWN THE HALL TOPPIE PAUSES AND GLANCES INTO A LITTLE RUCKSACK THAT HE IS CARRYING AND WE SEE THAT HE DOES ACTUALLY HAVE HIS NEW PASSPORT WITH HIM...
(mutters to self) I'm sorry, Shy... I didn't mean to lie... I just don't think I'm ready to go home yet...
MEANWHILE, SHY TENTATIVELY POURS HIMSELF OUT A COFFEE AND SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING IT - HE TAKES A FEW SIPS AND THEN HURRIES OFF TOWARDS THE LECTURE THEATRE... TIME PASSES AND WE SEE SHY UP ON THE PODIUM - IT WOULD APPEAR THAT HE IS SOME WAY THROUGH HIS LECTURE NOW AND ALL APPEARS TO HAVE GONE WELL... SO FAR...
SHY: (addressing the audience)
...And so, to conclude - I hope I have been clear about what exactly I see Yeti Poetics to be... It is less a set of rules than a way of being - a life-style... In fact it is anything BUT a set of rules - it attempts to throw away that rule-book and simply says - do what you please - don't be influenced by supposedly professional poets - there is no such thing... You don't need a certificate to be a poet... Just make sure you strive to do your very best...
HECKLER: (shouting out from the crowd)
Maybe a hug would help too...
SHY: (slightly distracted, but trying not to let it get to him)
Err... Maybe... Anyway, now... My final comment would probably be to avoid listening to anyone who tells you what type of verse you should fall in love with... There is a place for rhyme and a place for free-verse, although I do feel that much that claims to be free-verse poetry is actually flash prose trying to hop on a poetry bandwagon... This is something that needs to change - flash prose deserves a home - a following of it's own and...
HECKLER: (interrupting once again)
So who decides what is poetry and what is flash prose? Are you going to stand over it deciding what is what? You... Shy Yeti... King of Poetry?
SHY: (getting all serious for a moment, trying not to sound hurt)
Err... No... No... That's not really fair... I never said that it's my place to judge or decide - but when you write rhyming poetry you do find that many people - often other poets, in fact - will dismiss it as being doggerel or somehow second rate to a serious piece of non-rhyming poetry... I think that's very mean-spirited... I just feel that there is no place for the ticking off that many of us poets who occasionally use rhyme have received in the last 30 years - during a time when rhyming poetry has largely fallen out of fashion...
PROF PLATH: (disapproving)
Please - can we save questions for the end, thank you...
SHY: (grateful for the support)
Err... Yes, that might be best...
HECKLER: (bluntly)
Are you only making these comments because you have yourself received hurtful comments about your own work?
SHY: (patiently)
I can't deny that this has happened - of course not - only I find that writing with rhyme is a) something that adds something to a humorous verse - like a punchline at the end of a joke... and b) that to write a good poem using rhyme is a challenge - not a way of restricting oneself... I would agree that the power of rhyme has perhaps been damaged by the number of poorly conceived rhymes used in lyrics and some rap - especially ones used in very commercial songs by big stars where they don't expect to be questioned over the quality, but where there is definitely room for improvement.
HECKLER: (sarcastically)
There he goes again... The guardian of our poetic morals...
SHY: (trying not to get wound up)
Not at all... I'm just trying to debate the pros and cons of using rhyme in poetry and rap...
HECKLER: (cuttingly)
Debate? Really? I'm sorry... I never realised - because it sounded rather like you were the only one doing the talking...
SHY: (trying not to lose patience)
If you'd let me finish you will be given the opportunity to speak yourself in a moment... Not that it's stopped you so far...
HECKLER: (sounding sarcastic)
Fair enough! You're so kind...
PROF. PLATH: (strictly)
One more comment like that and you'll be expelled from the lecture theatre... Do you hear me?
SHY: (calmly)
Thank you, professor... What I was trying to say is that I certainly don't have a problem with the use of rhyme in rap if it's done well... Of course, there are many exemplary examples of the form - in the same way as there are many poor examples of rhyme in poetry... But we shouldn't allow these bad examples to completely ruin the experience of verse when it is successful or done to a high standard...
HECKLER: (grumpily)
Says our expert here - meaning the poems that he has himself written, no doubt...
PROF. PLATH: (losing his temper)
This is most out of order... You have been warned... Who is that speaking? Stand up? STAND UP!
SHY: (trying to sound calmer)
It's fine... It's fine, professor... I've gone off the main point of my talk anyway - I didn't really mean this to be about my writing specifically - I just want to encourage people to write whatever they want and to say that I don't think that inferring that all rhyming poetry is doggerel is rather a mean-spirited attitude...
HECKLER: (sarcastically)
All hail Shy Yeti... The King of Poets...
PROF. PLATH: (enraged)
I'm calling security...
SHY: (slightly upset)
There really is no need... I'm sorry... If you'd like to carry on this conversation after the lecture has ended then I'd be perfectly happy to stay back and speak with you... I'm sorry... I can't see your face properly... What is your name, please?
BUT THE HECKLER SAYS NOTHING AS SHY SHIELDS HIS EYES AND TRIES TO FOCUS ON THE FIGURE AT THE BACK OF THE LECTURE HALL WHO HAS BEEN CALLING OUT...
(shrugging) Well, that's fine... No pressure! I'll be here afterwards if you do want to speak individually with me... Does anybody else have any questions? (he pauses, but nobody speaks) Okay, then - well, I think we're probably done... It's not quite the tone that I'd hoped to end on, but - it seems that fate has interjected...
HECKLER: (now shouting)
ALL HAIL SHY YETI... SAVIOUR OF ALL POETS...
PROF. PLATH: (also shouting)
SECURITY! SECURITY!! REALLY! THIS IS APPALLING BEHAVIOUR...
THE LECTURE HALL IS SUDDENLY FULL OF ACTIVITY - MOST OF THE STUDENTS ARE APPLAUDING POLITELY, BUT THE SECURITY GUARDS ARE NOW IN THE ROOM AND HAVE TARGETED THE HECKLER... IT IS ONLY NOW THAT WE (AND SHY) SEE THAT THE STUDENT THAT HAS BEEN CAUSING ALL THE TROUBLE IS IN FACT THE TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME GENTLEMAN WHO HAD EARLIER HELPED SHY OUT WITH THE DRINKS DISPENSER... SHY STANDS ON THE STAGE - UNCERTAIN WHETHER HE SHOULD GET DOWN - CAUGHT HALF ON AND HALF WAY OFF - WHILST HE IS DECIDING WHAT TO DO HE ENDS UP GETTING KNOCKED OVER AND FALLS BACK - HITTING HIS HEAD ON THE PODIUM... FOR A MOMENT SHY IS COMPLETELY DISORIENTATED, BUT WHEN HE OPENS HIS EYES HE IS SURPRISED AT WHAT HE SEES - EVERYONE IN THE ROOM SEEMS TO HAVE THE HEAD OF A CAT... SHY BLINKS AND THE NEXT THING HE SEES IS PROFESSOR PLATH WHO IS SHOUTING AT THE SECURITY GUARD - THEY ALL LOOK QUITE NORMAL NOW, BUT THE TALL DARK AND HANDSOME STUDENT HAS GONE... JUST THEN SHY YETI FEELS A PAIR OF HANDS PULLING HIM TO HIS FEET...
VOICE: (concerned)
I should get you home...
SHY IS GLAD TO SEE THAT IT IS TOPPIE - STILL DRESSED AS A DINNER LADY... SHY JUST NODS - STILL DAZED - HE DOESN'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO SAY...
SHY: (mutters)
I saw cats... CATS! The whole room was cats...
TOPPIE: (worried)
Oh dear! You banged your head - maybe we should get you to matron...
SHY: (attempting to reassure him)
No... No... I'll be fine... It was only a very light tap! Everything is normal again now... Really!
TOPPIE: (slightly distracted)
I'm glad to hear it... This way... There's a quick route out over here - unless you need to speak to the Professor first...
SHY: (keen to get out of there)
No! No... Let's go...
SHY AND TOPPIE HURRY FROM THE BUSY LECTURE THEATRE - STANDING IN THE SHADOWS THEY ARE WATCHED BY THE TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME STUDENT - HIS EYES ARE CAT-LIKE AND HE IS PURRING, HE SMILES...
SHY: (brightly)
Ah, yes... (holds up some tokens in a little plastic bag) These, right?
PLATH: (kindly, but distracted)
Those are they! I'll leave you to sort yourself - give you a few moments to prepare... You've got plenty of time - I'll come and get you in about half an hour...
SHY NODS AND PROFESSOR PLATH HURRIES OFF - LEAVING SHY TO EXAMINE THE COFFEE MACHINE... IT LOOKS QUITE BAFFLING, BUT HE DOES HIS BEST TO PRETEND THAT HE KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON WITH IT, MUTTERING TO HIMSELF... HOWEVER, HE DOESN'T NOTICE WHEN A TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME YETI APPEARS BEHIND HIM...
TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME (TDH YETI): (helpfully)
Do you need some help? I'm an expert with that thing, you know!
SHY: (pleasantly surprised, slightly admiringly)
Oh... Well... Umm... If you like... I mean, that would be very nice of you...
TDH YETI: (almost suggestively)
What are you looking for?
SHY: (curious, intrigued)
Ohh... You know... What have you got?
TDH YETI: (not suggestively at all)
There's a menu there... Coffee... Hot chocolate... Tea...
SHY: (slightly confused, pretends not to be)
Oh, yes... Yes... I see... Sorry...
VOICE: (politely)
You do know there's a canteen if you prefer...
SHY LOOKS UP - HE RECOGNISES THE VOICE AND IS SURPRISED TO FIND IT BELONGS TO A RATHER ODD LOOKING DINNER LADY - ONLY ON CLOSER INSPECTION DOES HE REALISE THAT IT ISN'T A LADY AT ALL - IT IS HIS FRIEND, TOPPIE - DRESSED UP AS ONE!
SHY: (pleasantly surprised)
Oh! Topster! What are you doing here? I thought you were at home packing...
TDH YETI: (confused)
I'm sorry... Do you know this person?
SHY: (uncertain)
Err... Yes.. .I do...
TDH YETI: (curious)
Is this your mother?
TOPPIE: (surprised, displeased)
I am NOT his mother!
TDH YETI: (vaguely apologetic)
Okay, well sorry... It's just that you look like someone's mother...
SHY: (attempting to explain)
I know... He does a bit... It's a disguise... It's a bit complicated to explain, really...
TDH YETI: (losing interest and stalking off)
I'll leave you to it then... See you around...
SHY: (frowning)
Oh... Really! (he seems a little sad) I think he thought I was a fellow student...
TOPPIE: (apologetically)
Oh... Blimey... Sorry... Was he a potential beau...I didn't realise!
SHY: (distracted/confused)
Oh... I doubt it... Very handsome though... Never mind, aye... Why ARE you dressed like that, Toppie?
TOPPIE: (lowering voice)
Just keeping an eye on you... You never know who might be around...
SHY: (baffled, but chuckling)
Fair enough... But why dress up as a dinner-lady? You could have come as a student - hell, you could have come as my friend, no questions asked...
TOPPIE: (embarrassed)
Oh! Jeepers... I never thought of that! It's fine... I've always wanted to dress as a dinner lady, to be honest... It's the next best thing to dressing as a drag queen or one of your Pantomime Dames...
SHY: (briefly reflecting)
Ah! I've always dreamt of playing the Panto Dame.. .One day, maybe... Who knows...
TOPPIE: (brightening)
We should do a Pride48 pantomime...
SHY: (curious, confused)
As a podcast? Would that actually work? Listen... It's very good of you to come here and keep an eye out for me, but I thought you were picking up your emergency passport today...
TOPPIE: (slightly awkwardly)
Oh, it wasn't ready... They said it'll take another couple of days...
SHY: (surprised, disappointed for his friend)
Oh... Well... No problem... They're really dragging their heels considering this is meant to be an emergency visa! Oh well... You must be careful... So, is there any sign of the cat?
TOPPIE: (trying not to sound too worried)
Not at the moment... Still, maybe he'll just follow me back to the States... I'm going to have to be careful...
SHY: (reassuringly)
Oh no... I'm sure you'll be fine... We'll sort out what's going on before you have to leave...
TOPPIE: (sadly)
We don't even know what he wants! That horrid cat, I mean... Tolstoy... Do you think your cat, the lovely Deeley could try and find out?
SHY: (unsure)
I'm not sure I want to encourage that... I dunno... The whole thing is bizarre... Maybe he's just a plot-device... Had you considered that?
TOPPIE: (looking distracted)
Could be! Ah well! I suppose I should let you go... You have to give this lecture, don't you?
SHY: (slightly grumpily)
Once I've gulped back a cup of coffee - that's if I could find one...
TOPPIE: (suddenly remembering, pleased)
I brought you a flask! (he takes it from his apron pocket and hands it over)
SHY: (cheered)
Toppie! Wow! You're a miracle worker...
TOPPIE: (grinning)
To be honest I thought I was going to be late - I usually am... I thought I was going to miss you and not get the coffee to you ; but no... I made it...
SHY: (lowering tone, supportively)
Your mascara does look a little smudged - but I don't think anybody would notice...
TOPPIE: (reassuringly in return)
Don't worry - I'll keep an eye out for you...
SHY: (appreciative)
If you would... Thank you... And thank you again for the flask...
TOPPIE: (chuckling to self)
My pleasure!! Now... Run along Toppie, right?
SHY NODS - PULLING A HALF-EMBARRASSED, YET FRIENDLY FACE BEFORE HE FINDS HIMSELF A TABLE AS TOPPIE HEADS AWAY. ONCE AWAY DOWN THE HALL TOPPIE PAUSES AND GLANCES INTO A LITTLE RUCKSACK THAT HE IS CARRYING AND WE SEE THAT HE DOES ACTUALLY HAVE HIS NEW PASSPORT WITH HIM...
(mutters to self) I'm sorry, Shy... I didn't mean to lie... I just don't think I'm ready to go home yet...
MEANWHILE, SHY TENTATIVELY POURS HIMSELF OUT A COFFEE AND SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING IT - HE TAKES A FEW SIPS AND THEN HURRIES OFF TOWARDS THE LECTURE THEATRE... TIME PASSES AND WE SEE SHY UP ON THE PODIUM - IT WOULD APPEAR THAT HE IS SOME WAY THROUGH HIS LECTURE NOW AND ALL APPEARS TO HAVE GONE WELL... SO FAR...
SHY: (addressing the audience)
...And so, to conclude - I hope I have been clear about what exactly I see Yeti Poetics to be... It is less a set of rules than a way of being - a life-style... In fact it is anything BUT a set of rules - it attempts to throw away that rule-book and simply says - do what you please - don't be influenced by supposedly professional poets - there is no such thing... You don't need a certificate to be a poet... Just make sure you strive to do your very best...
HECKLER: (shouting out from the crowd)
Maybe a hug would help too...
SHY: (slightly distracted, but trying not to let it get to him)
Err... Maybe... Anyway, now... My final comment would probably be to avoid listening to anyone who tells you what type of verse you should fall in love with... There is a place for rhyme and a place for free-verse, although I do feel that much that claims to be free-verse poetry is actually flash prose trying to hop on a poetry bandwagon... This is something that needs to change - flash prose deserves a home - a following of it's own and...
HECKLER: (interrupting once again)
So who decides what is poetry and what is flash prose? Are you going to stand over it deciding what is what? You... Shy Yeti... King of Poetry?
SHY: (getting all serious for a moment, trying not to sound hurt)
Err... No... No... That's not really fair... I never said that it's my place to judge or decide - but when you write rhyming poetry you do find that many people - often other poets, in fact - will dismiss it as being doggerel or somehow second rate to a serious piece of non-rhyming poetry... I think that's very mean-spirited... I just feel that there is no place for the ticking off that many of us poets who occasionally use rhyme have received in the last 30 years - during a time when rhyming poetry has largely fallen out of fashion...
PROF PLATH: (disapproving)
Please - can we save questions for the end, thank you...
SHY: (grateful for the support)
Err... Yes, that might be best...
HECKLER: (bluntly)
Are you only making these comments because you have yourself received hurtful comments about your own work?
SHY: (patiently)
I can't deny that this has happened - of course not - only I find that writing with rhyme is a) something that adds something to a humorous verse - like a punchline at the end of a joke... and b) that to write a good poem using rhyme is a challenge - not a way of restricting oneself... I would agree that the power of rhyme has perhaps been damaged by the number of poorly conceived rhymes used in lyrics and some rap - especially ones used in very commercial songs by big stars where they don't expect to be questioned over the quality, but where there is definitely room for improvement.
HECKLER: (sarcastically)
There he goes again... The guardian of our poetic morals...
SHY: (trying not to get wound up)
Not at all... I'm just trying to debate the pros and cons of using rhyme in poetry and rap...
HECKLER: (cuttingly)
Debate? Really? I'm sorry... I never realised - because it sounded rather like you were the only one doing the talking...
SHY: (trying not to lose patience)
If you'd let me finish you will be given the opportunity to speak yourself in a moment... Not that it's stopped you so far...
HECKLER: (sounding sarcastic)
Fair enough! You're so kind...
PROF. PLATH: (strictly)
One more comment like that and you'll be expelled from the lecture theatre... Do you hear me?
SHY: (calmly)
Thank you, professor... What I was trying to say is that I certainly don't have a problem with the use of rhyme in rap if it's done well... Of course, there are many exemplary examples of the form - in the same way as there are many poor examples of rhyme in poetry... But we shouldn't allow these bad examples to completely ruin the experience of verse when it is successful or done to a high standard...
HECKLER: (grumpily)
Says our expert here - meaning the poems that he has himself written, no doubt...
PROF. PLATH: (losing his temper)
This is most out of order... You have been warned... Who is that speaking? Stand up? STAND UP!
SHY: (trying to sound calmer)
It's fine... It's fine, professor... I've gone off the main point of my talk anyway - I didn't really mean this to be about my writing specifically - I just want to encourage people to write whatever they want and to say that I don't think that inferring that all rhyming poetry is doggerel is rather a mean-spirited attitude...
HECKLER: (sarcastically)
All hail Shy Yeti... The King of Poets...
PROF. PLATH: (enraged)
I'm calling security...
SHY: (slightly upset)
There really is no need... I'm sorry... If you'd like to carry on this conversation after the lecture has ended then I'd be perfectly happy to stay back and speak with you... I'm sorry... I can't see your face properly... What is your name, please?
BUT THE HECKLER SAYS NOTHING AS SHY SHIELDS HIS EYES AND TRIES TO FOCUS ON THE FIGURE AT THE BACK OF THE LECTURE HALL WHO HAS BEEN CALLING OUT...
(shrugging) Well, that's fine... No pressure! I'll be here afterwards if you do want to speak individually with me... Does anybody else have any questions? (he pauses, but nobody speaks) Okay, then - well, I think we're probably done... It's not quite the tone that I'd hoped to end on, but - it seems that fate has interjected...
HECKLER: (now shouting)
ALL HAIL SHY YETI... SAVIOUR OF ALL POETS...
PROF. PLATH: (also shouting)
SECURITY! SECURITY!! REALLY! THIS IS APPALLING BEHAVIOUR...
THE LECTURE HALL IS SUDDENLY FULL OF ACTIVITY - MOST OF THE STUDENTS ARE APPLAUDING POLITELY, BUT THE SECURITY GUARDS ARE NOW IN THE ROOM AND HAVE TARGETED THE HECKLER... IT IS ONLY NOW THAT WE (AND SHY) SEE THAT THE STUDENT THAT HAS BEEN CAUSING ALL THE TROUBLE IS IN FACT THE TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME GENTLEMAN WHO HAD EARLIER HELPED SHY OUT WITH THE DRINKS DISPENSER... SHY STANDS ON THE STAGE - UNCERTAIN WHETHER HE SHOULD GET DOWN - CAUGHT HALF ON AND HALF WAY OFF - WHILST HE IS DECIDING WHAT TO DO HE ENDS UP GETTING KNOCKED OVER AND FALLS BACK - HITTING HIS HEAD ON THE PODIUM... FOR A MOMENT SHY IS COMPLETELY DISORIENTATED, BUT WHEN HE OPENS HIS EYES HE IS SURPRISED AT WHAT HE SEES - EVERYONE IN THE ROOM SEEMS TO HAVE THE HEAD OF A CAT... SHY BLINKS AND THE NEXT THING HE SEES IS PROFESSOR PLATH WHO IS SHOUTING AT THE SECURITY GUARD - THEY ALL LOOK QUITE NORMAL NOW, BUT THE TALL DARK AND HANDSOME STUDENT HAS GONE... JUST THEN SHY YETI FEELS A PAIR OF HANDS PULLING HIM TO HIS FEET...
VOICE: (concerned)
I should get you home...
SHY IS GLAD TO SEE THAT IT IS TOPPIE - STILL DRESSED AS A DINNER LADY... SHY JUST NODS - STILL DAZED - HE DOESN'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO SAY...
SHY: (mutters)
I saw cats... CATS! The whole room was cats...
TOPPIE: (worried)
Oh dear! You banged your head - maybe we should get you to matron...
SHY: (attempting to reassure him)
No... No... I'll be fine... It was only a very light tap! Everything is normal again now... Really!
TOPPIE: (slightly distracted)
I'm glad to hear it... This way... There's a quick route out over here - unless you need to speak to the Professor first...
SHY: (keen to get out of there)
No! No... Let's go...
SHY AND TOPPIE HURRY FROM THE BUSY LECTURE THEATRE - STANDING IN THE SHADOWS THEY ARE WATCHED BY THE TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME STUDENT - HIS EYES ARE CAT-LIKE AND HE IS PURRING, HE SMILES...
