CELEBRATING OUR 250TH WITH AN UNDEAD CELEB!

DEADIEGRAMS AND OTHER ODD PODCASTS!

Hello beasties!

This time we'll be discussing our latest podcast episodes - we've also got some nice photos recorded behind the scenes during the recording of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

First up though, it's our 250th episode of the show!!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 250:

THE MANY TALL TALES OF DAME DEADIEGRAMS!!

Here we are for episode 250! The regulars share their memories of times when they have encountered DeadieGrams in odd locations around London. Thanks to Tim from Tastes Like Burning for arranging for DeadieGrams to be available for recording this special edition. Our next episode, #251 sees Mr Yeti chatting with his Round The Archives friends about 60s, 70s and 80s robots on TV! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti, Harry F and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler and Soundbible. Some sections of this episode were scripted by Paul Chandler - with additions by TLBTim. DeadieGrams is managed by TLBTim Management Agency. All other contents of this episode are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019. Episode 250 was recorded between the 6th and 27th March 2019, with some additional sound effects recorded on the 3rd May 2019 and Sutton Park clips from episodes 760-761 of Sutton Park from February 1995.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

250: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-250-the-many-tall-tales-of-dame-deadiegrams

The scripted section of #250 can be found at the end of this post...

Next up we are joined by another Martin and two old friends from Sutton Park and Round The Archives - Cuthbert also plays a part as we discuss robots in late 20th Century Cult TV...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 251:

ROBOTS AND WRONGUNS...

Here we are for episode 251! Paul joins some of his pals from Round The Archives, Andrew, Lisa and Martin H (who is different to "Sniffy Martin!") to discuss famous TV robots - not to mention one or two fabulous computers known personally to them! Thank you to my guests - to all those who appear in the archive clips and also to Big Fatty for use of clips from episodes 2941 and 2942 of Big Fatty Online. Our next episode, #252 sees Paul and the regulars vowing to keep the P48 chat-room clean! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Soundbible and Shy Yeti. All content is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019. Episode 251 was recorded between the 5th and 6th of May 2019, with additional comment recorded on the 10th May 2019 and clips from around episode 762 of Sutton Park, from February 1995.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

251: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-251-robots-and-wronguns

Next up - Paul and the regulars decide to set an example to others!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 252:

KEEPING THE CHAT-ROOM CLEAN!

Here we are for episode 252! The Pride48 Chat-room is looking a little shabby and Paul and his gang decide that something needs to be done to get it back into shape; it needs to be a team, effort!! Can Paul rally round some support from other shows on the network? Along the way he also uncovers a box containing unused clips from his own show! Maybe he'll even share them with the listeners!?! (What do you think!?!) Thank you to everyone involved in this edition! (I can't say who, you'll just have to listen!) In our next episode, #253 Mr Yeti celebrates 3 years of the show in our live Pride48 show for May 2019! There will also be all manner of extra material! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler and Soundbible. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019. Episode 252 was recorded between the 23rd April and the 18th May 2019, with Sutton Park clips from February 1995.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

252: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-252-keeping-the-chat-room-clean

Next up we have a mixture of photos - from yummy breakfasts to a certain pretty kitty and the Easter flowers at Hampton Court!!!

SHY LIFE PODCAST SHOWS...

COMING SOON!!

We're on the downward slopes of May ALREADY - with our 3rd anniversary looming and lots of new episodes in the pipe-line! Our schedule list does tend to change every time I post, but right about now this is a pretty good guide to the episodes that we are hoping to release over the next few months; not to forget our monthly LIVE episode! Anyway - take a look at what else we have in store...

Anyway, here is our current schedule!

253. LIVE Pride48 Show - May 2019

Mr Yeti celebrates 3 years of the show in our live Pride48 show for May 2019! There will also be some readings from Paul's new book, PIECES OF SHY YETI.

254. The Shy Yeti and Toppie Smellie Comedy Hour (and a bit!)

Paul and Toppie spend an fun-filled hour discussing old movies and harking back to their fictional childhood! There are also poems and some clips from Sutton Park... "from the nineteen nineties!"

255. If Poems Were Pies - 10th Anniversary

The first of three 10 year poetry anniversaries for Mr Yeti during 2019.

256. Brocante Saves The Day?

Bettina needs to sell some of her treasures and Brocante The Antique Dealer is called in - but can he save the day?

257. Shy Yeti... Shaken Not Stirred!

Paul catches up with Nick and Andy to discuss the big hits in film of 1987 - they also discuss James Bond as 1987 was the year that the franchise got a new face!

258. Secrets Of The Library Podcasting Studios!

Cromitty and Cuthbert have been investigating the matter of the alien book which Ikk accidentally ate last year - and they have shocking news about a secret concerning the Library Podcasting Studios!

259. The Return Of Dameus The Interviewer

Dameus interviews all manner of podcasting celebrities as part of his return to the chat-show circuit.

260. Shy Yeti Is Making His Mind Up!

Paul and Nick discuss the big hits of 1981 in both the UK and the US!

261. The Will Of The People

There is bad feeling in Shy Life Podcast-land when a light-hearted popularity contest to celebrate 3 years of the show goes badly wrong and the results are declared as "the will of the people"! Is this true or have the results been rigged!?! Ikk also recalls when time travel was almost used to fix the results of the Big Fatty Online Number 1 Fan contest!

262. Shy Yeti's Cornish Adventure!

We join Paul and Toby as they head down to Cornwall for a week's holiday. However Paul has got a new manager who wants him to do more adventurous pastimes! (Recorded mid-May 2019) 

263. Charlie Grrr and The Pie With The Pastry Plumage!

If all goes to plan with a trip to Venice in May then I plan to a record a pie-related giallo spoof with Charlie Grrr and some of the other regulars! I can promise that it'll be super silly.

264. Caveman Logic - 10th Anniversary show

The second of three 10 year poetry anniversaries for Mr Yeti during 2019.

265. Shy Yeti's Land Of Makebelieve!

Paul and Nick discuss the big hits of 1982 in both the UK and the US!

266. Shy Yeti's Extra Robots!

Nick and his friend Jo discuss robots - whilst Paul and Cuthbert discuss the new robot manager!

### Additionally:

There will - most probably - be live shows every month; but we also have plenty of other episodes either in planning or partially recorded. 

### The Dragon And The Cacti!

Paul and Yeti Uncle John check in on Dragon Albert to see how he is getting on with Bert and Gert; John presumes that it will be a bit of a rescue mission - but they are both shocked by all that they find!!

### The Truth About The Murder Mystery Weekend!

It has taken a while but now we finally seem to have some answers about what ACTUALLY happened at the Murder Mystery Weekend back in October 2018 and the answers are REALLY going to shock you!

### The New Caretaker / "Where's Me Booook!?"

What with Yeti Uncle John often being up in space - Bettina gives Paul the details of a caretaker who used to work on her Estate... It seems like a good idea until it becomes evident that this gentleman swings from being extremely lazy to shovelling every last thing into a bin bag... What ever will happen when he reaches the basement and finds all the tat in Cromitty's laboratory; what will happen to all those priceless Sutton Park tapes? For that matter will Cuthbert make it through the night!?!

### Re-connecting With The Past

Paul catches up with Cromitty and Martin and is excited to learn that Cuthbert has a few added advances that makes it possible to re-connect with the past via old episodes of SUTTON PARK... Ikk is slightly doubtful about it all - but he and Paul soon get to experience the process first-hand. Unfortunately his upgrade also unearths the control of a certain app that was once installed on him! 

### Whatever Happened To Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion!?

Paul and the team receive a tip-off about an elusive acquaintance of theirs - Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion who went missing under mysterious circumstances some time ago... Will they be able to find him with the help of Martin and his detective pals!?

### Bettina and the robot butler

This episode sees Paul visiting Bettina only to find out that the house has recently become robotically automated; also Wifey Jo play a card game with Cuthbert.

### The Great Bingo Scam

Someone is rigging the bingo so that they win - is it one of the regulars or someone more sinister?

### The Continuing Mystery Of Long Lost Cousin Algernon

A number of episodes that involve Martin's investigation into Long Lost Cousin Algernon. What will he find?

### Gordon The Crypt-keeper In Need!

Gordon is back - but he has recently lost his job! Mr Yeti does his best to try and help him out...

### Shy Yeti And The Ridiculous Sponsor!

Paul and Toppie Smellie do a show together - but thanks to interference from Paul's new manager they have to keep stopping to do live adverts for the ridiculous sponsors they've been set up with!

### The Shy Life (Poetry Collection) - 10th Anniversary show

The third of three 10 year poetry anniversaries for Mr Yeti during 2019.

### Bits And Bobs and Bobs And Bits - Mk 2

More clips from the archives and recent conversations that don't have a home!!

### Shy Yeti And The Shame Inspectors

Shy Yeti gets more than he expects when he receives a visit from Isaac and Declan from That's A Shame podcast - they are constantly on the lookout for Shame sources - but this time they have Paul in their sights!

### Behind The Scenes - Fiction Within Fiction!

Paul looks back at how he used to film Sutton Park behind the scenes on some of Nick's films - with clips from both Tide Of Freedom and Evil Trophy and the equally as dramatic Sutton Park episodes recorded during these productions. 

### Shy Yeti's Isle Of Wight Diary!

We join Paul and Calum as they head to The Isle Of Wight for a few days! Paul is still having trouble with his manager... (Recording late-May 2019!) 

### Shy Yeti Gets Back To Scotland!

We join Paul and Calum as they head back to Dunbar for a few days away. Paul's manager is keen that Paul should learn more about the private life of Nessie! (Recording late-July 2019!) 

### Shy Yeti's Summer Retreat!

Paul heads back down to Kent for a week of creativity! Paul's manager wants him to stir up trouble to get more ghosts on the show!(Recording mid-August 2019!) 

### Shy Yeti's Three Birthday Treats!

Paul reflects on three treats that he had for his recent birthday - involving activities with Nick concerning Paul's manager, the usual silliness with Toppie and a trip away with Jay and Ikk; all these treats are quite unusual to say the very least... 

### Shy Yeti's Birthday Diary 2019

Paul shares his birthday diary with the listeners as he and Toby head off into the wilds of the UK for his birthday! Things are getting out of hand with his manager and Paul has some very shocking news! Can Mr Trowbridge be of any help?

### Episode One Billion

We look forward a year or two to see how things are going for The Shy Life Podcast as we hit episode One Billion. Things are a little more advanced - but all the gang are still on board!!

Next time we'll be discussing our up-coming trip to Penzance....

That's all from me now - but we do have a script for you - which makes up a large part of episode 250; so do have a listen to the recorded version too...

Take care - more soon,

Yeti hugs,

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

 THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT DEADIEGRAMS...

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF "TASTES LIKE BURNING"...

Dear Tim,

I will probably build an episode around this script to be released sometime in the first quarter of 2019 - as it's all about people bumping into DeadieGrams in everyday life it doesn't matter that it's not Halloween or an especially spooky occasion. Of course we both know that horror films aren't just for Halloween - but for all year around! (Just ask the Big D, she has made a career from it!)

If you didn't know it already D'Grams is quite the dark horse... as the following script clearly shows... Hold tight!

I thank you and DeadieGrams for your time and effort.

Mr Yeti :)

PS DeadieGrams lines are marked in RED!

THE MANY TALL TALES OF DAME DEADIEGRAMS

FIRST TITLES RUN

YETI: (jovial)

Hello, listeners! So good to see you again! The regulars are all here with me! We were just having a chat here about a mutual friend - we were just realising that we've not seen her around for quite a while... Who are we talking about? I guess that first sentence could apply to a number of other former guests of the show - Talluluh Twinklehorn; not seen her since Christmas... Beverley - ah... we saw her briefly at my birthday party; she's been ill, but she'll be back in greater detail soon, I promise... Wifey Jo... Well no - we do catch up with her quite a bit... Anyway - who we're actually talking about on this occasion is our old friend Deadiegrams...

You remember Deadiegrams, right? Dead grandma... Spooky voice... GREAT cook - so I'm told - if you like ectoplasm... ANYWAY...

So, as you will probably have noticed - she's not been on our own show for a while - and only fleetingly on Tats Lick Bunning (which is what Ikk calls Tastes Like Burning, the show that she is most closely associated with.) However all of us here have our own little stories of bumping into her over the last few months... And that's pretty much what the majority of this episode is going to be about - plus some poems - plus PLUS some old clips from SUTTON PARK from the 1990s. Does that sound alright to you? Okay then... Let's run the theme music and then we'll get right on with it...

MAIN TITLES RUN

YETI: (in charge, with confidence)

So everyone... Today I want to celebrate a member of the podcasting community that I think absolutely deserves some applause - someone who many people may under-appreciate because she only really broadcasts about once or twice a year because... well... quite frankly she's a big deal and now she's dead she can do whatever the hell she wants...

BETTINA: (enthused)

Hear! Hear! Tell it like it is, lovey!

IKK: (chuckling)

It's a good thing we know who you're talking about or we might be getting a little bit scared about now!

DAMEUS: (very relaxed about it)

She's not the only dead podcaster that I've met, as it happens...

BETTINA: (again, perfectly calm about the subject)

Yes... Although some of them are dearly-departed but haven't yet fully accepted it...

DAMEUS: (in agreement)

You're not wrong, dear - you're not wrong...

MARTIN: (enthusiastically)

I found her to be a most charming lady! Also she smelt decidedly lovely... considering!

CROMITTY: (sounding fascinated)

Yes, Martin - indeed; I must say that I agree! I found her to be a quite fascinating person - what do you say, Ikk?

IKK: (sincerely)

Oh yes... Absolutely yes... Yeti Uncle John still doesn't look so sure...

YETI UNCLE JOHN: (insistent)

No! No! Nonsense! In fact it wasn't so long ago that I bumped into her - she couldn't have been nicer!

YETI: (encouraging)

Why don't you tell us about it, John... Go on... Let's hear you share your memories...

YETI UNCLE JOHN'S STORY

YUJ: (voice-over, considered, thoughtful)

Well now... Let me think... Where was I now? At the supermarket, I think; not my usual branch, as it happens - but apparently Deadiegrams also likes to pop in there for a bargain from time to time...

YETI: (surprised)

What was she buying exactly? Don't they have shops where she err... lives... err.. doesn't live... on the other side... You know what I mean!

YUJ: (confused)

Maybe... Probably... Maybe not! I dunno... You ask her... I don't know about these things... Quite clearly she wasn't ON the other side that day...

YETI:

Fair enough...

YUJ: (slightly sarcastically)

May I continue?

YETI: (apologetically)

Go ahead... Sorry...

YUJ: (calmly, voice-over and then into the actual scene)

(v/o-echo) So there I was, picking up a packet of biscuits for a bit of a treat and right up ahead of me in the queue is none other than Deadiegrams herself! I can see that she's looking at me - partly in disgust and partly as if she remembers me but can't quite place where we met... So I decide that maybe I should speak to her and re-introduce myself... And so that is what I did...

(normal/polite) Excuse me, Deadie... Errr... Sorry... Miss... Errr... Grams...

DEADIEGRAMS: (slightly distant)

Ah... Hello... Have we met? You do look familiar, I must admit... You're not the guy who delivers the ectoplasm are you?

YUJ: (trying not to show his nervousness)

The WHAT!? Oh! Errr... Well, no... I think we met on the same show; a podcast; The Shy Life Podcast! We're friends with friends of yours; James and Tim - Tim and James from Tastes Like Burning!

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding unsure)

I vaguely recall you and - of course I have most definitely shared the occasional sherry with those two lovely boys... Awfully charming types - I must say - although I listen to very few of these "podcasts" that you mention!

YUJ: (with understanding)

Ah... Well... Yes... I don't blame you really... Everybody's so busy these days - and I imagine being dead doesn't change any of that...

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding quite liberated)

You're quite right there, deary... Still, I do technically have a lot more time to catch up with reading or knitting or pottery or whatnot and people don't tend to bother me quite so much with silly things that really I needn't know anything about...

YUJ:

I get the feeling you keep busy; I can't see you just sitting around twiddling your thumbs...

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a sort of distant reflection)

You're not wrong, deary... I have plenty of time for myself these days but, quite frankly I can't be bothered to do anything to actually "better" myself; I mean what would be the point... I'm dead. Who would know!?

YUJ: (hopeful/encouraging)

Oh, I'm sure there must be someone... Other dead people? Non-dead friends who you... might bump into, perhaps?

DEADIEGRAMS: (dismissive)

No... No... No... I simply can't be bothered... I do occasionally cook - but only for myself.

YUJ: (curious)

Really? What do you cook?

DEADIEGRAMS: (beginning to sound a bit bored)

It really isn't terribly interesting, dear - but I suppose you want an answer so you can go home to your friends and tell them what I said...

YUJ: (slightly embarrassed)

Well, yes... Kind of...

DEADIEGRAMS: (chuckling)

Let me think of something bizarre... Tell them that I like to make ectoplasm stew with belly button fluff dumplings - that will turn their stomachs and no mistake...

YUJ:

And DO you? Make ectoplasm stew with belly button fluff dumplings, I mean?

DEADIEGRAMS;

Goodness me, no... I like a decent Thai meal or a pizza like everybody else - but that sounds far too boring as an anecdote, now doesn't it? It's always better to exaggerate or simply plain lie if you threaten to disappoint your audience, believe you me!!

TRANSITION SOUND...

YUJ: (chuckling)

"Ectoplasm stew with belly button fluff dumplings..." she said. "That's what I like... That's what I eat everyday until it starts to come out of my ears..."

YETI: (admiringly)

Really! How very interesting, John!

CROMITTY: (curious)

...And what happened next? Did you go for coffee and a natter?

YUJ: (with regret)

No... She paid for her biscuits and she shot out of the door before I got to say another thing to her...

IKK: (enthused/supportive)

Oh well... It was nice that you got to say hello, anyway!

BETTINA: (positive)

What a lovely story, dear... Don't you think so, Dameus...

DAMEUS: (sounding less sure)

Lovely - yet somehow also rather disturbing...

BETTINA: (disapproving)

DAMEUS!

YUJ: (with a chuckle)

Well, I know what you mean though, Dameus... I guess it is kind of weird. Anyway! So who's next? What about you Cromitty?

CROMITTY: (in reflection)

Well... The funny thing is - I was out with Martin when we bumped into her; quite recently yoo...

YETI: (encouraging)

Do tell us more, why don't you?

CROMITTY AND MARTIN'S STORY

MARTIN: (as if telling a bed-time story)

We were in Soho - at the theatre as it happens... Cromitty had cheap tickets to a play and although I'm not much into theatrics I do appreciate the smell of these old theatres... So musty! So much concealed dust! So much history...

CROMITTY: (disapproving)

Oh, Martin... You are a strange one and no mistake... Well, anyway - there we were - sitting in our seats - minutes before the start of the show - when suddenly there is a commotion...

MARTIN: (enthusiastically interrupting)

Turns out that it's Deadiegrams - coming in to watch the show - but she's late and a little dishevelled; wearing what at first appears to be a fur coat, but on closer examination is revealed to be a sleeping poltergeist called Jimmy.

CROMITTY: (a little snappy)

Don't roll your eyes, yeti - what Martin says may sound bizarre - well, it is - but is also true...

YETI: (slightly embarrassed)

I don't doubt it... Apologies... Please, do go on...

MARTIN: (continuing, with confidence)

Well... It went something like this...

There is a transitional special effect and from the sound of it we are in the theatre...

CROMITTY: (bossily)

Move up Martin - somebody is coming to sit next to us...

MARTIN: (suddenly paying attention)

Goodness! Yes... I can smell them a mile off - well now, that is curious - it's quite a scent...

DEADIEGRAMS: (in an almost seductive tone)

Le parfum de la mort...

MARTIN: (mutters)

And that's your actual French...

CROMITTY: (whispers)

I should hope so too... After all - we're at the theatre! A place of culture... Le parfum de la mort, roughly translated means "the scent of death" is what she said... (lowers his voice all the more) There's only one lady that I know what is dead and yet still goes to the theatre and that is a lady called Deadiegrams - she's been on the show; possibly before your time...

MARTIN: (impressed)

Oh yes! I've definitely heard of her. Nice! You should say hello...

CROMITTY: (sounding worried)

I'm a little bit nervous of her to be honest...

MARTIN: (intrigued)

Why? Because she's dead?

CROMITTY: (snappily)

No... I'm not a necrophobic, I'll have you know; it's just that she can be a little severe...

DEADIEGRAMS: (indignant)

You do know that I can hear all of what you're saying, right?

CROMITTY: (quickly)

Severe in a GOOD way!!!

MARTIN: (sounding content)

In a VERY good way, yes... (he sighs almost wistfully)

CROMITTY: (nervously)

I don't know if you remember me, Deadiegrams...

DEADIEGRAMS: (with a sigh)

Call me D, why don't you? And fortunately I do - remember you, I mean... (Tim. Please also record her saying "Unfortunately I do...")

MARTIN: (whispers)

Did she say UNFORTUNATELY she remembered you?

CROMITTY: (impatiently)

Of course not, Martin - you stupid boy...

MARTIN: (confidently)

It sounded like it to me... (At this point we hear Deadiegrams saying "Unfortunately...")

CROMITTY: (toadying up to her)

Martin! Shhh now! (turning back to D) I didn't know that you liked theatre, D... All the best people do, of course... (gives a little laugh) Do you come here often?

DEADIEGRAMS: (with pride)

Oh yes... Indeed, I do...

CROMITTY:

I imagine you might enjoy opera, I know I do...

DEADIEGRAMS: (her mood changing in a second to one of distaste)

OPERA!? No! Never! I loathe it... I like something with spirit - give me a PANTOMIME, ANY day!

MARTIN: (mutters, almost to self)

I knew it! Pantomimes rule!

CROMITTY: (full of unfounded authority)

Ah yes... Yes, indeed... This is - of course - a play... I believe it is called "The Mice Trip"!

MARTIN: (sounding sad)

Those poor mice... I wonder what causes them to trip... I guess it might be inferior shoe - with loose heels or souls made of cardboard and old fish skins... Will folk never learn; buy cheap buy twice my mother always used to say!

CROMITTY: (in agreement)

You might be right, Martin... Mind you - it might simply be the laces or a lack of good bow tying skills - nothing to do with the actual laces... I expect we'll see once the play begins; I have attempted to avoid all spoilers...

MARTIN: (hopeful)

I suppose it's too much to hope that it might even be about some mice going on a journey - a holiday, even...

DEADIEGRAMS: (losing patience)

It's called The Mouse Trap...Not The Mouse Trip... The title is on the programme...

CROMITTY: (surprised)

Really? Are you sure?

MARTIN: (bemused)

She's right... How curious... I suppose that probably makes more sense, actually...

CROMITTY: (relieved - making far more of it than is required)

Thank goodness for you, D... You clearly know more about this than we do!

DEADIEGRAMS: (trying not to scream)

No... No... That's not the case at all... I know the title and that's about the extent of my knowledge... Other than that I really have no idea what it's all about; I have no answers - I really didn't pay much attention... I'm only here because I got free tickets for my birthday if I'm being perfectly honest...

CROMITTY: (almost patronisingly)

Oh, how nice... Well, it is my understanding that it is a thriller...

DEADIEGRAMS: (through gritted teeth)

I am pretty sure I can feel a random act of bloodshed brewing...

CROMITTY: (confused)

I'm sorry... What do you mean?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Now, now - Deadiegrams,.. Play nice... There are other ways to have fun...

MARTIN: (also confused)

What's going on now?

DEADIEGRAMS: (enthused)

Here lads - take these bags and help me out at the end of this act...

MARTIN: (suddenly curious)

Oh... What's in here? It smells... rotten...

CROMITTY: (bemused)

Oh my! It is... rotten fruit... whatever do we want THIS for?

DEADIEGRAMS: (very matter-of-fact)

For pelting it at the cast once they really get going, of course... You will join me, won't you? It's such fun - you just have to be ready to run; just make sure you follow me and we'll be out of here in under a minute - I know a quick way out the back under the stage; they'll never catch us...

CROMITTY: (initially sounding shocked)

Well, I NEVER! (then chuckles)

MARTIN: (enthusiastically)

This sounds like FUN!

DEADIEGRAMS: (approvingly)

Atta boy!

TRANSITION SOUND...

MARTIN: (chuckling, quite proudly)

It WAS fun too... Poor Cromitty was mortified and wouldn't throw so much as a tomato - but Deadiegrams and I really laid into them... The actors were covered top to toe in gunge... They never did know whodunnit, either!

CROMITTY: (disapproving)

It was most irregular! I was quite ashamed of you both; especially with your police background, Martin!

MARTIN: (not wavering one iota)

Everybody has to let their fur down sometime, Cromitty - isn't that right, yeti?

YETI: (intrigued)

Ha! I guess so... It does sound kinda fun, though - naughty fun admittedly...

IKK: (surprised)

How very curious though - that she goes to random West End shows simply to throw rotten fruit...

YUJ: (sounding quite impressed)

It's very old school, I'll give you that...

DAMEUS: (sounding a little cross)

I'm not sure that I like the sound of any of this, I'm afraid - thankfully in my time as an actor I have never been pelted with rotten vegetables...

BETTINA: (laughing)

Rotten fruit, yes - rotten vegetables, never...

DAMEUS: (quite nostalgically)

Somebody threw a strawberry yoghurt at me once... I didn't mind that - it was really quite delicious and I hadn't had any dinner that night... Still, I do feel sorry for the actors - more often than not one does not enjoy being coated in the remains of last month's mouldy grocery purchases...

CROMITTY: (supportively)

Quite right, Dameus... It was scandalous... Bettina... Are you laughing? I'm surprised!

BETTINA: (apologetically)

Ha! Well... Not laughing quite - chuckling, yes - maybe! She's a cheeky mare that Deadiegrams... As you all know I've been an actress for many years - although thankfully I have escaped being treated so rudely by any of my audiences... Whilst the more civilised part of me disapproves - the scamp in me cannot help but secretly point and applaud... Anyway! Should we share our story now, dear?

YETI: (keen to change the subject)

Yes! Yes... Why not... Please do... Go ahead...

BETTINA AND DAMEUS'S STORY

BETTINA: (quite calmly)

Well, I suppose the truth is that after meeting her last time I actually became quite good pals with Deds as I call her - although we do tend to keep in touch virtually rather than in person - it's easier...

DAMEUS: (with encouragement)

You two have become quite good chums, haven't you dear - you catch up every week, don't you?

BETTINA: (in agreement)

That's right, dear - we never miss a week...

WE HEAR THE SKYPE NOISE AND THEN BETTINA ANSWERS...

(excitedly) Hello dear! One million kisses - one million and one kisses! Tappie sends her love, by the way... I saw her just the other day for the annual Pickle Hollow pie-baking fund-raiser...

DEADIEGRAMS: (sounding quite gentle, for a once)

Ah! How charming! Send her my regards... So what exactly are we discussing this week?

BETTINA: (pleasant/then distracted)

Ah... Now... I think you'll enjoy this, my dear - oh - Dameus... What do you want? We're just starting to record?

DAMEUS: (very respectfully)

Before you do; can I get you anything, Miss Dee? A hot drink? Something stronger?

BETTINA: (astonished)

Darling, are you feeling alright? You do know that Deadiegrams isn't actually here - we're talking via Skype.

DEADIEGRAMS: (politely, but prickly)

It's fine, dear - we could teleport it; but no - thank you... I'm fine...

DAMEUS:

No problem! It is my absolute pleasure to serve...

DEADIEGRAMS:

You know, Bets - I think we should just talk what it's like being alive - that would fascinate me - it's been such a long time; sometimes I really crave normality - ESPECIALLY when it gets kind of weird!

BETTINA: (excitedly)

I hear you, dear - but in return I still want to hear all the business from "the other side" as all the cool kids call it...

DEADIEGRAMS: (lowering her tone and speaking quite affectionately)

You are a dear silly thing, Bettina - but don't tell anyone that I told you so...

BETTINA: (chuckling)

It's okay, darling - I promise not to...

DAMEUS: (continuing to be as helpful as he can manage)

Ladies - is there anything else I can do for you - or should I just leave you to some girl talk and go and practice pretending to be a flowering cactus out in the yard...

BETTINA: (enthusiastically)

We're fine, dear - I think... Yes, you go out there and get busy rehearsing - I'll see you later...

DAMEUS: (brightly)

Alright, now... Best wishes to to you Deadiegrams...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Pleasant to see you, Dameus... (turning back to Bettina) You did well finding him,dear - I rather think that I saw him in a film the other day - he was dressed like a bird...

BETTINA: (enthusiastically)

Ah yes... That's his latest - a movie length version of Alice In Wonderland for parakeets...

DEADIEGRAMS: (relieved)

Ah! Now I see why I didn't understand a single tweet that anyone was saying...

SHE LAUGHS AND BETTINA JOINS IN - WE RETURN TO SHY YETI...

YETI: (enthused)

It's really kind of sweet - you two have quite a lovely friendship, don't you!? I can imagine you - Aunt Tappie and Deadiegrams really causing a stir on some future night on the town...

BETTINA: (encouraging)

I do HOPE so, darling! So... Who's next?

IKK: (interjecting)

It's probably me - but I share my story with Paul as we were both out together in Soho late one night and coming home we bumped into her...

DAMEUS: (concerned)

Was she drunk!? I can't imagine her drunk... (shivers) Actually - I just thought about it and now I'm feeling slightly unnerved...

CROMITTY: (in agreement)

Deadiegrams drunk is a scary thought...

MARTIN: (spooked)

I must admit that I'm positively petrified...

PAUL AND IKK'S STORY

Paul and Ikk are out on the town - we hear busy city sounds - the London night-life...

PAUL: (sounding a little "jolly")

So Ikk... Did you enjoy our night out?

IKK: (with his usual Ikk enthusiasm - maybe even more so than usual)

Oh yes, Paul - very much... I'm not sure I've ever seen librarians playing Strip Monopoly before - it was strangely...

PAUL: (chuckles)

Unerotic?

IKK: (somewhat apologetically)

Well... Yes... Actually, that's exactly the word I was going to use...

PAUL:

I found it quite amusing - I've never heard the dewey decimel system performed to a disco beat...

IKK:

I'm very sorry, Paul - but if you start speaking to me in ISBN numbers then I really won't understand a thing that you're saying...

JUST THEN THERE COMES AN EXCITED SCREECH FROM ACROSS THE ROAD - IT IS SHE...

DEADIEGRAMS: (definitely quite squiffy)

Yeti! Yeti! Yeti! How ARRRREEEE you, darling thing!

PAUL: (concerned, lowering his tone - not recognising her)

Goodness me... Who is that?

IKK: (also somewhat dismayed)

She obviously knows you... She came from inside that private members club - who is it? I've not got my glasses on tonight...

PAUL: (surprised)

I didn't even know you WORE glasses, Ikk!

IKK: (unaware)

Only sometimes - when I want to feel like a human... I don't actually NEED them... I just think it helps me to blend in a little better - a trench coat - a string vest - pair of polka dot flares - eight inch platform heels - a straw hat and a pair of glasses; nobody looks at me twice...

PAUL: (chuckling again)

Hmm... In London, maybe - but I think you'd stick out a bit in the provinces...

IKK: (also laughing)

Oooh, Paul... You ARE awful...

PAUL: (quickly)

That wasn't a euphemism, you know...

IKK: (apologetically and then moving on)

Was it not? Oh... Sorry... So, who is it? The shouty person, I mean...

PAUL: (surprised when he eventually recognises her)

Well, I never... It looks to me like it's Deadiegrams of all people...

IKK: (relaxing slightly)

Oh, really - maybe I'm not so surprised... Looks like she's accompanied by a rather flamboyant entourage of theatrical zombies... I've actually seen her out and about with them before...

DEADIEGRAMS: (over-dramatically, pretty drunk really)

Yeti! Yeti! You darling thing, you... How ARRRRREEEEEEE you - and who is your friend, dear?

IKK: (muttering only to Paul)

She's unusually animated tonight - I don't think I've ever seen her quite so cheerful!

PAUL: (enthusiastically)

That's Soho for you, I think... DEADIEGRAMS! How lovely to see you... What have you been up to?

DEADIEGRAMS: (very bubbly)

We've had an afternoon in the spa - sipping cocktails - a spot of tanning; such luxury...

PAUL:

Sounds great! Tanning you say!? How... Well, I take that it must be possible...

DEADIEGRAM: (indignantly)

Don't I LOOK tanned to you, beardo?

PAUL: (slightly fazed)

Errr... Yes. certainly! By the way - this is my friend, Ikk The Alien... You have met him before...

IKK: (excitedly)

Hello, Madame D... I'm in disguise... New coat! New hat... Glasses...

DEADIEGRAMS: (unusually affectionate)

Looks lovely, sweet little Ikk... Of course I remember you - I never forget a face... Have you met my friends?

PAUL: (politely)

Ah! Enchanted! Very nice to meet you...

IKK: (suddenly nervous)

How wonderful to meet you all - they don't bite, do they?

PAUL: (shocked/disapproving)

Ikk! You can't ask that...

IKK: (disagreeing)

I beg to differ - it's always best to enquire, just in case...

THE ZOMBIES ARE MOANING AND GROANING, AS ZOMBIES DO...

PAUL: (embarrassed)

I'm awfully sorry, Deadiegrams - I do apologise for my friend...

DEADIEGRAMS: (unusually chatty)

No need! Your friend has his head screwed on, I'd say - he'd be right to be concerned; only these guys are such a blast - you should come out with us for a drink or five - we're going to hit Old Compton Street and then find a good club so we can have a dance...

PAUL: (pleasant, but sounding weary)

Crikey! Sounds like fun... I'm not sure I've got the energy - what say you, Ikk!

IKK: (excitedly)

Golly! It's an offer too good to ignore...

PAUL: (encouraging)

Then run along... Go join them... I'm bushed...

IKK:

Are you sure?

PAUL:

Quite sure... You look after him now, won't you Madame D.

DEADIEGRAMS: (enthused)

DELIGHTFUL! I WILL INDEED... Sorry, Ikk - my zombie pals are fascinated by your tentacles...

IKK: (chuckling)

I get that a lot...

DEADIEGRAMS:

As long as you don't mind, dear...

IKK:

Not at all... It's not every day I get such avid attentions...

PAUL: (trying not to sound concerned)

Funny... Kind of weird... Well, you have a lovely night... Get home safe, won't you...

IKK: (hurrying away)

I WILL!!

WE RETURN TO THE PRESENT DAY...

CROMITTY: (curious)

Well, I never!! How did your evening go, Ikk? Was it fun?

IKK: (chuckling)

Oh yes... A night I shall never forget... except... well... I have actually forgotten most of it - but it was still sort of memorable for no longer being memorable; that sort of thing doesn't happen to me very often!

YETI UNCLE JOHN: (finding it all rather amusing)

Ha! You're such a hell-raiser on the quiet, aren't you?! I'm impressed...

IKK:

Thank you! I quite surprised myself, I must admit!

MARTIN:

I bet there are some great smells back in Soho...

DAMEUS:

Oh, there are... Did I ever tell you about the time I played a smell, Martin? I was dressed as a Candy Floss at the time - it was one of my favourite jobs ever.,.

MARTIN: 

Sticky though, I bet...

DAMEUS:

You're not wrong!

IKK:

That was the day Deadiegrams told me about the first job that she did after she died; apparently she spent a week as a children's party entertainer.

PAUL: (surprised)

You're kidding...

IKK:

No... It's the truth - I swear...

JUST AT THIS MOMENT BETTINA'S PHONE BEGINS TO RING...

BETTINA: (surprised/pleased)

Speak of the devil... She's calling me now... Hello, lovely - Bettina speaking - how are you? Yes... Yes... I'm in town... Dinner? Yes... Yes! Of course... Funnily enough, I'm with the gang from The Shy Life Podcast - we were just talking about you... Oh yes! All good... You want me to do what? Bring them with me? Are you sure? Okay then... Usual destination? Very well... We'll hop in a taxi and head straight there... See you in twenty minutes! Bye, darling...

PAUL: (curious)

What's going on?

BETTINA:

Grab your coats, team - Deadiegrams is in town and she's in the mood to celebrate...

CROMITTY:

Where are we headed, exactly?

YETI UNCLE JOHN:

Nowhere expensive, I hope - I couldn't afford it...

BETTINA:

The Ritz; but don't worry - dinner is on her apparently!

MARTIN: (excited)

Marvellous! The Ritz is one of my favourites! The smells are beyond exquisite...

PAUL:

Wow! I'm impressed...

BETTINA:

You'd better say goodbye to the listeners, dear - I don't think they're smartly dressed enough to come too... Sorry, listeners... I don't mean to be shady about it...

DAMEUS: (sad)

Poor listeners...

IKK:

Oh, this is going to be terribly exciting... Goodbye listeners... Let's go everyone!!

THE REST OF THE GANG CALL OUT THEIR GOODBYES...

PAUL:

Sorry, listeners... I feel bad about leaving you - but it really is time to say goodbye... Join us again soon when we'll be... doing something typically silly, no doubt... Anyway - thanks for listening; I hope you enjoyed hearing some of our reminiscences - you take care now... Better go or I'll miss riding in the taxi with the others... See ya... Bye now... Bye!

NOTE: I may ad-lib some bits about how good the meal was to put after the titles. Equally so, Tim - if you want to do any Deadiegrams ad-libs to use as out-takes then you are more than welcome!! :)


This script was written between the 3rd August and the 13th December 2018, with rewrites made between 14th December 2018 and the 3rd March 2019.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019