Hello beasties!!
This time we will finally be celebrating the release of the 4th season of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS... In fact, let's get started - here we go - first up details of the book and where it can be found to purchase and then four extracts, one from each of the scripts...
THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Season 4 is the fourth and final season of the series and is made up of 4 extended scripts which concern a number of curious characters; an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Along the way we also meet a number of old foes and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! All is not well this time around - and by the end of the season one of the main characters will meet a grisly end. These scripts, written during 2014, brings us to the end of an era for The Beast Of Friends!
Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/paperback/product-22361059.html £6.99
Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/hardcover/product-22361072.html £14.99
There is also a bumper version featuring all 4 seasons in one place...
THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Seasons 1 to 4 is a compilation of all the scripts from the 4 seasons that make up the series. The scripts concern a number of curious characters; among them an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Other than these "bunch of weirdoes" we meet a number of old foes, a yeti with dubious ethics, a number of ghosts, a meddling mother and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! This is the very first time that these scripts, published between 2012 and 2015, have appeared in the same place.
Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/paperback/product-22361053.html £14.99
Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/hardcover/product-22361068.html £19.99
SCRIPT ONE: CRIMES OF PASSION... (EXTRACT)
KATRINA WATCHES FROM THE STAIRWELL AS THEIR GUESTS - ROLAND AND VELMA MAKE TO LEAVE, SHE
PRETENDS TO BE APPLYING LIPSTICK, BUT IS ACTUALLY SUCKING IT DISTRACTEDLY – HER EYES ARE FIXED ON VELMA WHOM SHE IS
TRYING TO VIEW IN HER HAND MIRROR; HOWEVER WHAT SHE SEES LEAVES HER TWICE AS
SHOCKED.
KATRINA: (alarmed)
Oh!
That’s unpleasant… I mean us witches used to get a bad rap for what we did in
the past but considering how many non-witches ended up burnt… Wow!
HORNER: (rudely)
Thank
you… Thank you… Goodbye now…
THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS BEHIND VELMA AND
ROLAND – WARREN APPROACHES KATRINA AND HORNER LOOKING QUITE EXCITED...
WARREN: (urgently)
Katrina…
Tell Horner what you just told me… Katrina! Did you hear me?
KATRINA: (mutters to self)
Oh
my… My oh my oh my… OH MY!
HORNER: (distracted)
Those
dratted people! How dare they just come here like this… What is it Katrina?
KATRINA: (quite distressed)
It’s
macabre… Things are even worse for him now than when we first met him… She got
a complete hold of him and he doesn’t even seem to notice…
HORNER: (a little more focussed)
Katrina…
Listen, now! What do you know about these people? You need to tell me and we
need to make sure that Colin knows that they’re after him too…
WARREN: (encouragingly)
Go
on… Tell them what you did to Roland…
KATRINA: (trying not to ramble)
Alright! Alright… I will… But it’s not just him… It’s her too… She… She has no reflection – Velma… She’s a vampire – I haven’t seen one up in London for quite a while… They were the “new” witch at the turn of the century as far as taboos were concerned! She’s one of those new-fangled ones too who can go out in the sun!
SCRIPT TWO: CRIMES OF PASSION... (EXTRACT)
MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE ROAD COPERNICUS AND KATRINA ARE SQUASHED UP INSIDE A PHONE BOOTH WATCHING THE HOUSE AS THE CAR PULLS UP TO PICK UP FAKE KATRINA… CONSIDERING THAT HE IS A GHOST COPERNICUS IS TAKING UP RATHER MORE SPACE THAN ONE WOULD EXPECT AND KATRINA IS FEELING QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE…
COPERNICUS: (almost
applauding)
Everything
seems to be going okay so far… That’s a relief, I must say…
KATRINA: (reflecting)
I
can’t help but think that your friend, Mr Quaverall must really hate me… I
can’t believe how I got away with all the wicked things that I did back in my
youth…
COPERNICUS: (having not
properly heard)
What
now?
KATRINA: (sadly)
Roland…
He must really really hate me – for killing him…
COPERNICUS: (trying to
cheer her up)
I
don’t think so… Well, not any more – that’s nearly half a century ago… He’s had
lots of adventures since then – it’s just that they occurred after his death…
KATRINA:
I
feel I should say sorry… I was so different then… He was nothing to me – just
an opponent who pretty quickly was lying there before me choking on a jelly
fish…
COPERNICUS:
There can't be that many people who can say that they've had that experience...
SCRIPT THREE: THE SCANDAL-MONGERS... (EXTRACT)
COPERNICUS:
There can't be that many people who can say that they've had that experience...
SCRIPT THREE: THE SCANDAL-MONGERS... (EXTRACT)
KATRINA: (snapping back, but grinning)
When I used to ride about on my broomstick I always used to take
a cat with me… Sadly they never had very good balance and used to fall off.
LUCY: (muttering away to herself)
I
thought cats were meant to have GREAT
balance… Isn’t that one of their things – or am I thinking of monkeys? Well, I
guess they’re definitely good at balancing because you see them up trees
running around – do you think that maybe they wear Velcro on their paws or
something? Although wouldn’t that mean that someone would have to put Velcro up
the trees too – so the two layers would stick together!?
KATRINA: (losing patience now)
Lucy
– I have no idea… I think monkeys are just naturally good at the running around
trees thing – no hidden magic required… But we were talking about cats…
LUCY: (focusing on the topic of the moment)
They
like trees too, don’t they? Anyway, so yours used to fall off your broom?
KATRINA: (nodding)
Most
Witches’ cats hang on – but not these ones… That was my fault – I scrimped on
good puss – you live and learn! Rather foolishly I used to get mine second-hand!
LUCY: (surprised)
Second-hand
cats? Where from exactly?
The
second-hand cat store… It really is that simple…
LUCY:
The
second-hand cat store? That’s an actual place?! Okay… Why DID you get them
second-hand? Were they old? Cheap? Lacking in posture? Perpetually asleep?
KATRINA: (confirming all those suggestions)
All
of those things and usually they were slightly incontinent too…
LUCY:
But
WHY? Why did it all go so badly wrong for you?
KATRINA: (chuckling)
Well,
I don’t really like cats! I just felt I ought to have one… For appearances
sake!
LUCY: (having considered this)
You
wanted them to suffer a bit, perhaps?
KATRINA: (feeling slightly guilty)
Maybe…
That’s awful, isn’t it!?
SCRIPT FOUR: FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES... (EXTRACT)
MEANWHILE, NOT SO VERY FAR A WAY A MAINTAINANCE MAN IS ENTERING THE SEWERS FROM A MAN-HOLE ABOVE. HE LOOKS AROUND AND NOTES A RUSTY PIPE IN THE SHADOWS – TICKING IT OFF ON A LIST AS HE EXAMINES IT… ALL OF A SUDDEN SOMETHING DISTRACTS HIM…
SOUND: (bellowing bovinely)
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
MAN: (furiously, yet nervous too)
HEY!?!
What’s that? Bloody kids… Come out and show yourselves… What’s
going on? Who’s keeping cows down in these sewers? That’s illegal!
SOUND:
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
MAN:
Come
out and show yourselves… There you are… What gorgeous cows… Who brought you
here… Just come closer – let me stroke you… You look gorgeous.
VELMA SUDDENLY STEPS OUT OF THE SHADOWS
BEHIND THEM…
VELMA: (succinctly, decisively)
These
cows are mine… What business is it of yours?
MAN: (becoming quite cocky)
You
can’t keep them here – you’re not even meant to be down here – let alone your
livestock! If you don’t get them out of here then I’ll get the law on you…
I
really don’t think you will… Who do you think you’re speaking to? You have no
right to command me; I’ll do what I wish! I wouldn’t start threatening me
either – my friends here are very protective of me; I wouldn’t shove them if I
were you…
Why
not? I’m just trying to get them out of the way… It’s what you do with cattle!
VELMA:
They
have been known to take a bite out of people if taken by surprise…
MAN:
Here,
pretty cows… Come to daddy… Just you wait until I get the law on you, missus…
You’re going to be in such trouble… Come on now… Pretty cows…
THE MAN REACHES OUT FOR THE CLOSEST COW
WHO HAS BEEN LICKING THE MOSSY SEWER FLOOR – AS IT LOOKS UP HE REALISES THAT
THE COW IS FAR FROM NORMAL; IT’S FACE IS HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED, WITH AN ALMOST EVIL
EXPRESSION – ITS TEETH ARE SHARP FANGS…
MAN: (breathless, shocked)
V,V,V,VAMPIRE
C,C,COWS…
VELMA LAUGHS – THE MAN’S SCREAMS ECHO DOWN THE TUNNEL...
Finally, moving on from THE BEAST OF FRIENDS I am expecting to release the first seasons of the two spin-off seasons in either January or February - so keep yours eyes open for news on that. I won't write about it yet as If I do I might give away a couple of spoilers... But soon!!
Next time, I'll either be building up to or reporting back from my one and only gig of 2015, which takes place at The Poetry Café of Thursday 29th October... It all depends on how much time I have... Once that show is done we reach that time of year again where I am due to go away for my birthday and I am hoping to take plenty of photographs and write another Horner diary piece which may or may not explore the mystery of the candy-floss eating zombie from my previous Devon story from a couple of weeks ago.
Anyway, more soon!
Yeti hugs,
Paul xx
