AN INNOCENT FACE IF EVER THERE WAS ONE... (YEAH, RIGHT!)
Hello beasties!!
This post - our second this week - is a relatively short prose piece which was inspired by Mr Deeley's continuing cheekiness; yet, such lovable cheekiness! He really did tig the second hand of the clock, by the way - even though the clock was at least six foot up... Well, when I say that I don't mean he leapt that high (although he does throw his cat-nip mouse that high) but he did climb on top of the bookshelf which is, at least, that high. He loves a good leap about, does Deeley - not bad for a cat who is nearly eleven and a half!
Next time I have another Shy Yeti sketch to share with you - this one is all about the magic of libraries!! Oh yes, indeed! Before we move onto to today's prose piece might I remind you of my new script-novel that came out at the weekend...
KENSINGTON GORE focuses on a trio of friends who care-take a mysterious apartment block in the Kensington Gore area of London. They are Katrina, Warren and Lucy (who also featured in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS script-series) and on this occasion their troubles come from a herd of vampire cows and also from an infamous serial killer! New jobs are never easy; especially when you could end up dead!
Hardback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-one/hardcover/product-22663909.html £14.99
Paperback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/kensington-gore---season-one/18237784 £7.99
If my poetry is more you cup of tea then also, please don't forget - my 12-track "lost" 2012 recording, THE KISS ME QUICK E.P. has just been released on Bandcamp at: https://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/the-kiss-me-quick-e-p and is available for just £2. I won't even mention my new collection of poems and stories, A YETI WAY OF THINKING - you must know all about that by now... (Does that count as a mention, maybe just a little one... Oh well!)
That's it for now - more soon - enjoy the up-coming cat business!!
Yeti hugs,
Paul xx
A cheeky but lovable cat addresses human claims of feline mischievousness; accusations as follows:
Who? Me?
I was helping out! I was just trying to knock the dust off... Not to mention that nobody appears to have noticed that the clocks had changed; I was attempting to set the correct time. Do I get any thanks? No. No, I do not. It's a cat's life - it really is! Exploited... Taken advantage of! You don't get any appreciation - not one little bit... What is worse that isn't even the end of it!!
Who? Me?
That's a terrible thing to say about someone... Flirting!? Can't a cat just say hello without being accused of trying to elope with a human - I mean, it's usually them who make the initial advances anyway! Two-legged-floozies, that they are! I'll have you know that it was all very innocent - and as for the tuna, surely it would have appeared rude to have said no or turned my back on such a kind offer!? I mean, what would you have done if you'd been offered a plate of choccie biscuits? Ignored them! Ha! I don't believe you...
Who? Me?
Before I even begin to defend myself on this one, I would like to query where the parents were? Is is really safe to leave a small child on its own? Should they not be chaperoned? I certainly did not enter its environment; it approached me. I am curious as to what is being inferred by this accusation? What is it? I yawned so hard and so wide that had things been different I might have sucked said creature into some vortex and swallowed it!?! Seriously!?! I'm not actually large enough that a whole human could become lost inside my stomach! Sure, I did have a yawning fit one afternoon not so long ago whilst out in the garden and a reasonably large pot-plant did edge a few meters across the garden towards me - but I was never in danger of swallowing it. I make no comment on the whereabouts of next door's rabbit. That was clearly the work of a greedy fox.
Sighted, poking around in the bins out in the yard - snooping about and reading through old credit card statements...
Who? Me?
I never would - I resent these insinuations, you know... "Snooping!?" As if?! I'll have you know that I was actually trying to clear up the mess left by one of those unruly foxes, as mentioned previously, who live in the area. That said, it is rather interesting how much my human spends on himself compared to how much he spends on me... A new pair of Converse (or two) for him... A couple of tins of CostCutter "best" tinned tuna for me... I see now where his priorities lie! There will be no more sitting on his knee and purring during "Neighbours" for him and far more "being woken up at 3am by me licking him in the eyes..." Just saying!
Who? Me?
What an out-rage?! As if I would do such a thing? What was I supposedly after? I'm certainly not interested in playing with them - not unless it's a cheeky game of crib and I'm not the sort of cat who likes to chew on every passing rodent! I'm no psycho? So what else could I have been after? Their cheese?! Nonsense! Don't you know that I have a dairy allergy... I only ever drink soya and cheese gives me both wind and a rash! **What you might have heard was not me giving the young mouse some manner of threatening mew but actually me singing - yes, SINGING!! To be precise I was rocking the little fella to sleep by singing it a rather lovely and gentle lullaby... May I remind you that due to my human's unreasonable behaviour I was sent down to the vet when just a kitten and I have never been able to have a family of my own... The occasional mice or injured bird that comes my way are the nearest thing that I have to children - to family of my own... I do not attempt to adopt them - but usher them back to where they belong in the hope that they might one day come back to me... I am happy to foster any such individual who might be homeless... Again, rumours that I invite them to come lay down and sleep on my tongue are just further examples of anti-feline prejudice.
Who? Me?
Sure, I accept that I'm a house-cat and am happy with that and I appreciate being allowed to sit in the yard because it can be quite a busy area. I can explain my behaviour partly due to the influence of the moon and also I saw a cat who owed me money. I'm terribly sorry I didn't come when called - I had my earphones in. I had my Atomic Kitten Best Of collection playing. It's my very favourite. When you saw me the next day I believe I was sleep-walking. I mean, I had been up late - not of my own choice, mind - again I blame the moon again. Oh, and listening to too much Atomic Kitten...
Viewed - attempting to sort through the cheese selection in the fridge... with his teeth!!Who? Me?
Now I won't deny it - some cats do like cheese, but not me... I'm more into salami - but there was none of that left... I mean... I was actually attempting to tidy up - much as I was with the litter bin out in the yard, as accused earlier... If you want to know who was really responsible for the missing cheese then all I can do is point a claw towards a friend of mine... Now I don't like to grass people up - but neither do I like to be accused of doing things that I haven't done... So who is the guilty party? Well, his name is Cyril and it's a real no-brainer when you realise that he is actually a mouse... Yes! A cat-nip mouse, mind - but what's the difference!? A cat-nip mouse is just a mouse who attempts to addle cats brains by smelling so... so... catnippy! The number of cats who have done bad things under the influence of cat-nip is simply amazing and yet humans simply don't realise! I mean - they often bring the stuff into the the house themselves and then act surprised when something odd has happened... Not me, mind - but some felines do quite outrageous things...
JUDGE:
Which brings us to the final charge...
Photographed... Perched on the very top of the Christmas tree...Who? Me?
No, sir... That wasn't me... As I said, no doubt some poor kitty was under the influence of cat-nip... But can you blame them! It was Christmas... I do admit that it does look a little like me... But no... Surely not... I mean... Those do look like my legs... I'm not sure I carry off the whole fairy-look that well - although sure, the wings and halo kind of suit me - I'm just not sure about the tutu. The wand looks good too. Oh, that's not a wand. Okay! You know, I think a better option, had I been a little less blotto, would have been to have dressed as the star... Still, I guess I look okay... Can I get a print of that one, your honour? It would be nice to send it to mother, maybe... No?
JUDGE:THIS CAT IS GUILTY!! SENTENCED TO SIX MONTHS HARD LABOUR, OTHER-WISE KNOWN AS HOOVERING... DON'T DO IT AGAIN! BAD PUSS!! COURT DISMISSED.
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. All photos taken by Paul Chandler, except for the penultimate one - by Toby Warburton.
