A SCRIPT FROM A RECENT SHOW!
Hello beasties!
This time we've got a script to share with you which goes with one of our episodes from earlier in June, #257 - MR BROCANTE SAVES THE DAY!?!
First up though, some of our most recent podcasts...
This time we've got a script to share with you which goes with one of our episodes from earlier in June, #257 - MR BROCANTE SAVES THE DAY!?!
First up though, some of our most recent podcasts...
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 260:
LIVE PRIDE48 SHOW - JUNE 2019
Here we are for episode 260! Here we are for another live show on Pride48 - and this time we catch up with two friends of the show that we've not heard from in a while. Cromitty and Yeti Uncle John also help out - we talk music and there is also a quiz. Thanks to everyone who listened live on the night and who took part in the chat-room. We have another live show coming up on Saturday 22nd June as part of the live pride48 live streaming event for 2019. Our next episode, #261 sees Paul handing the show over to Nick who chats with an old friend about some more of our electronic friends! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019. Episode 260 was recorded LIVE on Sunday 16th June 2019, with extra material recorded on the same day.
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
260: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-260-live-pride48-show-june-2019
Next up - the sandwich between our two live episodes for June 2019 - it's all about robots again!
LIVE PRIDE48 SHOW - JUNE 2019
Here we are for episode 260! Here we are for another live show on Pride48 - and this time we catch up with two friends of the show that we've not heard from in a while. Cromitty and Yeti Uncle John also help out - we talk music and there is also a quiz. Thanks to everyone who listened live on the night and who took part in the chat-room. We have another live show coming up on Saturday 22nd June as part of the live pride48 live streaming event for 2019. Our next episode, #261 sees Paul handing the show over to Nick who chats with an old friend about some more of our electronic friends! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Paul Chandler. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019. Episode 260 was recorded LIVE on Sunday 16th June 2019, with extra material recorded on the same day.
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
260: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-260-live-pride48-show-june-2019
Next up - the sandwich between our two live episodes for June 2019 - it's all about robots again!
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 261:
SHY YETI'S EXTRA ROBOTS...
Here we are for episode 261! This time Paul is handing over the reins to Nick Goodman as he chats with old friend Jo B about robots and computers in films and also some of his other favourite non-robot movies. There are also poems for Mr Yeti - a brief Sutton Park clip with Paul's old Uni friend Ceri - a quick chat with Cuthbert - some snoring and also more swearing than is usually allowed! Dear Gussy!! Thank you to Nick for conducting our main interview this time and to Ceri for allowing me to use a clip of his from our Sutton Park archive. Our next episode, #262 sees Paul and Nick going LIVE for the 2019 Pride48 live streaming event - for lots of chitter-chat, guest cameos and AT LAST a very exciting experiment! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Shy Yeti. All content is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019. Episode 261 was recorded between the 11th May and the 19th June 2019, with a brief clip from February 1995 episodes of Sutton Park...
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
261: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-261-shy-yetis-extra-robots
Next up - we're LIVE again - this time for the Pride48 LIVE streaming event!
SHY YETI'S EXTRA ROBOTS...
Here we are for episode 261! This time Paul is handing over the reins to Nick Goodman as he chats with old friend Jo B about robots and computers in films and also some of his other favourite non-robot movies. There are also poems for Mr Yeti - a brief Sutton Park clip with Paul's old Uni friend Ceri - a quick chat with Cuthbert - some snoring and also more swearing than is usually allowed! Dear Gussy!! Thank you to Nick for conducting our main interview this time and to Ceri for allowing me to use a clip of his from our Sutton Park archive. Our next episode, #262 sees Paul and Nick going LIVE for the 2019 Pride48 live streaming event - for lots of chitter-chat, guest cameos and AT LAST a very exciting experiment! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Sound effects by Shy Yeti. All content is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019. Episode 261 was recorded between the 11th May and the 19th June 2019, with a brief clip from February 1995 episodes of Sutton Park...
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
261: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-261-shy-yetis-extra-robots
Next up - we're LIVE again - this time for the Pride48 LIVE streaming event!
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 262:
P48 LIVE STREAMING EVENT - 2019 SPECIAL!
Here we are for episode 262! This time it's our special episode for the Pride48 Live Streaming Event for 2019 and Paul and Nick are in the studio with Cromitty and Yeti Uncle John to present a very ambitious episode of the little show! Not only do we have plenty of messages from the gang, but we finally get to conduct an experiment that we've been planning all year! Yes, we're shrinking Yeti Uncle John down to a tiny size and injecting him into Nick's bloodstream! It's going to be amazing! All this and more! Thanks to Nick and the gang for all their help with putting this show together! Our next episode, #263 sees Paul and the gang heading back onto Radio Wey with Tim and Nathan! Yeti Uncle John, meanwhile, has grand plans of his own! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019. Episode 262 was recorded live on Saturday 22nd June 2019, with inserts recorded between the 19th and the 21st June 2019, with extra material from Spring 2019.
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
262: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-262-p48-live-streaming-event-2019-special
Our final episode of June sees us heading back on Radio Wey with Tim, Nathan and Yeti Uncle John!
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 263:
YETI UNCLE JOHN - RADIO STAR!?!
Here we are for episode 263! The date is Saturday 15th June 2019 and Paul heads back on to Radio Wey with Tim and Nathan! Whilst Ikk listens in from the Green Room - a rather bumptious and slightly idealistic Yeti Uncle John makes an appearance - full of big plans for his own radio career. Ikk isn't quite so sure! Back at home Cromitty and Martin make ready some Sutton Park clips and Cuthbert has his own comments! Thanks to Tim for inviting us back on his Radio Wey show and to Nathan and the rest of the gang for taking part! Our next episode, #264 sees Paul and Toby heading down to Penzance for a holiday - get ready for a little travelogue! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti, Harry F, Luca and various artistes. All music copyright the musicians - all other content is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019. Episode 263 was recorded between the 10th and the 21st June 2019.
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
263: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-263-yeti-uncle-john-radio-star
SHY LIFE PODCAST SHOWS...
COMING SOON!!
COMING SOON!!
July is here and we're already half-way through the year! Don't worry though - we have lots of new episodes in the pipe-line! Our schedule list does tend to change every time I post, but right about now this is a pretty good guide to the episodes that we are hoping to release over the next few months; not to forget our monthly LIVE episode! Anyway - take a look at what else we have in store...
Anyway, here is our current schedule!
Anyway, here is our current schedule!
264. Shy Yeti's Cornish Adventure!
We join Paul and Toby as they head down to Cornwall for a week's holiday. However Paul has got a new manager who wants him to do more adventurous pastimes! (Recorded mid-May 2019)
265. Shy Yeti... Shaken Not Stirred!
Paul catches up with Nick and Andy to discuss the big hits in film of 1987 - they also discuss James Bond as 1987 was the year that the franchise got a new face!
266. Shy Yeti And The Ridiculous Sponsor!
Paul and Toppie Smellie do a show together - but thanks to interference from Paul's new manager they have to keep stopping to do live adverts for the ridiculous sponsors they've been set up with!
267. Charlie Grrr's Surprise Birthday Party!
Charlie Grrr is about to have a significant birthday and Paul decides that they should throw him a surprise party!
268. Live Pride48 Show - July 2019
Paul and the regulars are back in the studio for their ever-unpredictable live show for July!
269. Shy Yeti's Land Of Make-believe!
Paul and Nick discuss the big hits of 1982 in both the UK and the US!
270. Whatever Happened To Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion!?
Paul and the team receive a tip-off about an elusive acquaintance of theirs - Dusty The Scone-Eating Dandelion who went missing under mysterious circumstances some time ago... Paul, Yeti Uncle John and Calum head off to The Isle Of Wight in search of their friend; but will they find him!?!
271. Charlie Grrr and The Pie With The Pastry Plumage!
If all goes to plan with a trip to Venice in May then I plan to a record a pie-related giallo spoof with Charlie Grrr and some of the other regulars! I can promise that it'll be super silly.
272. Caveman Logic - 10th Anniversary show
The second of three 10 year poetry anniversaries for Mr Yeti during 2019.
273. What Are We Going To Do About Big Fatty?
As "Big Fatty Online" reaches episode 3000 and draws to a close - The Shy Life Podcast comes up with a number of ways to cope without "the little show!"
274. The Return Of Dameus The Interviewer
Dameus interviews all manner of podcasting celebrities as part of his return to the chat-show circuit.
275. The Will Of The People
There is bad feeling in Shy Life Podcast-land when a light-hearted popularity contest to celebrate 3 years of the show goes badly wrong and the results are declared as "the will of the people"! Is this true or have the results been rigged!?! Ikk also recalls when time travel was almost used to fix the results of the Big Fatty Online Number 1 Fan contest!
276. Live Pride48 Show - August 2019
Paul and the regulars are back in the studio for their ever-unpredictable live show for August!
277. 1978 - You're The One That I Want!
Paul and Nick discuss 1978 - a year that is full of hits and which will probably get you dancing!
There will - most probably - be live shows every month; but we also have plenty of other episodes either in planning or partially recorded.
### Robot Big Fatty Update!
We join Paul and the gang to see how The Big Fatty Robot is coping with life on The Shy Life little show...
### The Dragon And The Cacti!
Paul and Yeti Uncle John check in on Dragon Albert to see how he is getting on with Bert and Gert; John presumes that it will be a bit of a rescue mission - but they are both shocked by all that they find!!
### The Truth About The Shy Life Podcast!
We look back at some of the scandal that has affected the little show over the years - the lives - the loves and maybe we'll even learn the truth about who pushed Zap down the stairs in episode 200!
### The New Caretaker / "Where's Me Booook!?"
What with Yeti Uncle John often being up in space - Bettina gives Paul the details of a caretaker who used to work on her Estate... It seems like a good idea until it becomes evident that this gentleman swings from being extremely lazy to shovelling every last thing into a bin bag... What ever will happen when he reaches the basement and finds all the tat in Cromitty's laboratory; what will happen to all those priceless Sutton Park tapes? For that matter will Cuthbert make it through the night!?!
### Re-connecting With The Past
Paul catches up with Cromitty and Martin and is excited to learn that Cuthbert has a few added advances that makes it possible to re-connect with the past via old episodes of SUTTON PARK... Ikk is slightly doubtful about it all - but he and Paul soon get to experience the process first-hand. Unfortunately his upgrade also unearths the control of a certain app that was once installed on him!
### Bettina and the robot butler
This episode sees Paul visiting Bettina only to find out that the house has recently become robotically automated; also Wifey Jo play a card game with Cuthbert.
### The Great Bingo Scam
Someone is rigging the bingo so that they win - is it one of the regulars or someone more sinister?
### The Continuing Mystery Of Long Lost Cousin Algernon
A number of episodes that involve Martin's investigation into Long Lost Cousin Algernon. What will he find?
### Gordon The Crypt-keeper In Need!
Gordon is back - but he has recently lost his job! Mr Yeti does his best to try and help him out...
### The Shy Life (Poetry Collection) - 10th Anniversary show
Paul heads out and about to celebrate the third of three 10 year poetry anniversaries during 2019.
### Bits And Bobs and Bobs And Bits - Mk 2
More clips from the archives and recent conversations that don't have a home!!
### Shy Yeti And The Shame Inspectors
Shy Yeti gets more than he expects when he receives a visit from Isaac and Declan from That's A Shame podcast - they are constantly on the lookout for Shame sources - but this time they have Paul in their sights!
### Behind The Scenes - Fiction Within Fiction!
Paul looks back at how he used to film Sutton Park behind the scenes on some of Nick's films - with clips from both Tide Of Freedom and Evil Trophy and the equally as dramatic Sutton Park episodes recorded during these productions.
### Shy Yeti Gets Back To Scotland!
We join Paul and Calum as they head back to Dunbar for a few days. Paul's management is keen that Paul should offer himself as Nessie's exclusive biographer; only Nessie really doesn't want to be interviewed as he has a very large secret! (Recording late-July 2019!)
### Shy Yeti's Summer Retreat!
Paul heads back down to Kent for a week of creativity! Paul's manager wants him to stir up trouble to get more ghosts on the show!(Recording mid-August 2019!)
### Shy Yeti's Three Birthday Treats!
Paul reflects on three treats that he had for his recent birthday - involving activities with Nick concerning Paul's manager, the usual silliness with Toppie and a trip away with Jay and Ikk; all these treats are quite unusual to say the very least...
### Shy Yeti's Birthday Diary 2019
Paul shares his birthday diary with the listeners as he and Toby head off into the wilds of the UK for his birthday! Things are getting out of hand with his manager and Paul has some very shocking news! Can Mr Trowbridge be of any help?
### Episode One Billion
We look forward a year or two to see how things are going for The Shy Life Podcast as we hit episode One Billion. Things are a little more advanced - but all the gang are still on board!!
Next time on the blog we're going to talk about more of the poems and prose contained in my new book, PIECES OF SHY YETI... We discussed the first half of the collection a few posts back - but this time we'll cover the rest of the volume! All that and more chat about the podcast!
That's all for now...
Take care - more soon,
Yeti hugs,
Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx
P.S. Enjoy the script!
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST -
MISTER BROCANTE AND THE ANTIQUE WITH 8 LEGS...
MAIN SCENE
CAST:
Paul The Shy Yeti Yeti... lines from Paul - in black
Brocante The Antique Dealer... lines for ThatPeter G - in blue
Bettina Du Pres... lines also for Paul - in red
Igor... lines for Jay The Hauntcub - in pink
Martin... lines for Paul (what, again!?) - in peach
CAST:
Paul The Shy Yeti Yeti... lines from Paul - in black
Brocante The Antique Dealer... lines for ThatPeter G - in blue
Bettina Du Pres... lines also for Paul - in red
Igor... lines for Jay The Hauntcub - in pink
Martin... lines for Paul (what, again!?) - in peach
Setting: Bettina's house. This conversation happens face-to-face.
Paul: (explaining what is happening)
Hi listeners. I'm somewhere else today. When I say that you understand that I mean that this time I'm not down in the Library Podcasting Studios. I'm actually at Bettina's Estate today - Bettina's not around although we will be talking to her a number of times during this episode. Anyway - she and Dameus are overseas again - still doing their little tour group and travelling from town to town as they were when we met up with them in Marseille last year.
Recap to the Marseille episode (#193) where Bettina says she will have to sell the house... Maybe also a clip from the "WHERE ARE THEY" episode from early 2019 where more info comes out...
As you'll recall Bettina is in the position where she is most probably going to have to completely sell the house - splitting any profit with the few remaining members of her family - but at first she needs to get a number of items in the house valued for auction. It just so happens that friend of the show Brocante The Art Dealer was over in the UK on business and I was able to get an appointment with him to come over to Bettina's house to take a look around for any potentially valuable items that she might like to sell off; just to help her a bit with her money troubles... Anyway, it was the first time that I've actually met Mr Brocante - he's quite a charming fellow... (lowers his tone) Of course he's slightly eccentric, but that's to be expected - I think we probably ALL are on this show...
Recap to the Marseille episode (#193) where Bettina says she will have to sell the house... Maybe also a clip from the "WHERE ARE THEY" episode from early 2019 where more info comes out...
As you'll recall Bettina is in the position where she is most probably going to have to completely sell the house - splitting any profit with the few remaining members of her family - but at first she needs to get a number of items in the house valued for auction. It just so happens that friend of the show Brocante The Art Dealer was over in the UK on business and I was able to get an appointment with him to come over to Bettina's house to take a look around for any potentially valuable items that she might like to sell off; just to help her a bit with her money troubles... Anyway, it was the first time that I've actually met Mr Brocante - he's quite a charming fellow... (lowers his tone) Of course he's slightly eccentric, but that's to be expected - I think we probably ALL are on this show...
We now join Paul and Brocante in mid-conversation...
Paul: (enthusiastically)
Well - I must say, it's really lovely to finally meet you...
Brocante: (as polite as ever)
Yes sir... Always pleased to help if I can, sir... I must say, though - you're not how I imagined you would be...
Paul: (surprised/curious)
Oh? Really? How exactly did you imagine me?
Brocante: (thoughtful)
More... Woolly, sir... However now I think I may have been confusing a yeti with a mammoth...
Paul: (delicately)
Oh! Yes... Quite different fellows altogether...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Indeed, sir... No offence intended...
Paul: (taking charge, like he know what he's actually doing!)
None taken... Anyway... Good... Right... Let's get to business, shall we?
Brocante: (mutters)
Oh my! This one's a quick worker... Yes sir! Of course, sir. Brocante's Antiques are overjoyed to be able to help you with this matter! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
Paul: (enthusiastically)
Well - I must say, it's really lovely to finally meet you...
Brocante: (as polite as ever)
Yes sir... Always pleased to help if I can, sir... I must say, though - you're not how I imagined you would be...
Paul: (surprised/curious)
Oh? Really? How exactly did you imagine me?
Brocante: (thoughtful)
More... Woolly, sir... However now I think I may have been confusing a yeti with a mammoth...
Paul: (delicately)
Oh! Yes... Quite different fellows altogether...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Indeed, sir... No offence intended...
Paul: (taking charge, like he know what he's actually doing!)
None taken... Anyway... Good... Right... Let's get to business, shall we?
Brocante: (mutters)
Oh my! This one's a quick worker... Yes sir! Of course, sir. Brocante's Antiques are overjoyed to be able to help you with this matter! (he pronounces it pretentiously as Bro-con-tay's On-teeeks)
Well, as I've already said - it's a pleasure to do business with you again...
Brocante: (trying not to sound too depressed about it)
It's nice to finally put a face to a name - your associate Miss Bettina is one of my best customers... actually she's one of my only customers - but really I mustn't grumble...
Paul: (trying to sound organised)
Ha! Yes... So Mister Brocante - Bettina gave me a detailed list of everything that she wanted you to look over; I think I've been able to get everything together for you to study in one place...
Brocante: (trying not to sound too depressed about it)
It's nice to finally put a face to a name - your associate Miss Bettina is one of my best customers... actually she's one of my only customers - but really I mustn't grumble...
Paul: (trying to sound organised)
Ha! Yes... So Mister Brocante - Bettina gave me a detailed list of everything that she wanted you to look over; I think I've been able to get everything together for you to study in one place...
Brocante: (politely again)
Very good, sir...
Paul: (struggling for words)
Have you had the chance to start looking through the... err... artefacts?
Brocante:
Indeed, I have, sir...
Paul: (curious)
May I ask what you think?
Brocante: (cagily)
Well... Would you like the good news or the bad news?
Paul: (nervously)
Oh, goodness. The bad news, I guess...
Brocante: (milking it, rather...)
Well... Okay... So, the bad news is there is no good news...
Paul: (alarmed)
Oh, blimey! Are you kidding?
Brocante: (apologetically)
I'm afraid not... It's all bad news - at least about what you have here on this table...
Paul: (surprised)
But how? Why? What's wrong with them?
Brocante: (bluntly)
They're fakes - that's what - plain and simple...
Paul: (shocked)
What? All of them?
Brocante:
Yes! Every last one...
Paul: (confused)
But why on earth would Bettina ask you to value them if she knew they were fakes... She's not like that; she wouldn't try and pull the wool over your eyes - she'd know you'd spot a fake at first glance!
Brocante: (sounding slightly disillusioned)
Actually I probably wouldn't... Fakes are much harder to spot these days - there's so much more technology involved; last week I nearly bought a set of Queen Anne side-tables only to discover at the last minute that they were all just an elaborate form of C.G.I.!
Paul: (shocked)
Good grief! Incredible!? So how do you know these are fakes then?
Brocante: (matter-of-factly)
It's written on them in bright felt tip pen, sir... Look... Here... F-A-K-E... I had to get the dictionary out to work out what that spelt but now I know - FAKE... FAKES! The lot of them...
Paul: (confused)
I had no idea; does this happen a lot; this really doesn't make ANY sense at all, Brocante...
Brocante: (with authority)
Well... One thing I will say is that I don't think your friend Bettina would have known that these items weren't genuine... They're good fakes - but they don't exactly look very advanced examples...
Paul: (taken aback)
Really? So do you think that this might mean that somebody sold the family fortune years ago?
Brocante: (with growing interest in the subject)
I'm afraid it's possible, sir... That's if there ever was a true fortune - they might have owned the house and that was pretty much it... Still, presuming that there were valuable trinkets at some stage then they could have been sold off by pretty much anyone - not necessarily by a member of the family - it could even have been one of the staff or a passing house-guest; practically anyone!
Paul: (trying not to panic)
Oh dear! I'm going to have to break it to Bettina - but what IS she going to say about it all? She was holding out hope that she could raise enough to alleviate some of her current financial trouble; I reckon she's trying to clear her debts before she and her fiance, Dameus tie the knot later in the year!
Brocante: (trying to sound more hopeful)
Ah well... This may be true - although looking around this room I do think that maybe I might have some good news for you after all - just not news about the things that are set out here on the table...
Paul: (surprised)
I'm sorry - what do you mean, exactly?
Brocante:
Well... I think perhaps some of the other items in this room and around the house might be of value; does everything on display belong to Miss Bettina or is it the property of the company running the guided tours?
Paul: (still slightly confused)
It's all hers - or her families - from what I know... But the items that you've looked at were the only things that she thought were of actual value...
Brocante: (brightening)
Well - I am very happy to tell you that she was wrong... There are many valuable artefacts in this house - it's just that they're not obviously of any value... Let me show you...
Paul: (impressed/pleased)
Alright! This is marvellous news - I'm fascinated...
Brocante: (helpfully)
If I may, sir - allow me to show you some of the items in this house that I do believe to be of some value!
Paul: (in agreement)
Absolutely, yes...
MUSIC PLAYS - ONCE WE RETURN TO OUR "HEROES" WE FIND THEM IN ANOTHER ROOM AND BROCANTE IS SHOWING PAUL SOME VALUABLE ITEMS...
Brocante: (enthusiastically)
Now THIS is an absolute gem, sir...
Paul: (baffled/trying not to sound rude)
It's a what? I'm sorry... What are you referring to? You're pointing at a blank wall and an old cardboard box awaiting recycling - is this some kind of invisible trinket that I'm not aware of?
Brocante: (encouragingly/suddenly becoming less professional with his final comment)
Look closer, sir... No... Closer... Closer still... Go on - get that great big hooter right in there and have a sniff about...
Paul: (trying to remain composed, but clearly miffed)
Alright! Alright... My nose is now currently pressed up against the plaster, thank you...
Brocante: (clearly enjoying himself)
Sorry, sir... I got a bit carried away there; so now that you're close up what do you see NOW!?
Paul: (confused)
Well, I must admit I'm kind of seeing stars - but... erm... I really don't see much other than an empty cardboard box, a spot of dust and some spider-webs...
Brocante: (trying to sound wise)
Spider-webs, yes - but not just ANY spider-webs...
Paul: (surprised)
REALLY? They're valuable...
Brocante: (enthusiastic)
ABSOLUTELY they are, sir...
Paul:
Well, I never... Would you care to explain why, maybe?
Brocante: (quickly)
I will but careful, sir... You're about to step on the spider who makes the webs - I wouldn't advise it...
Paul: (apologetically)
Sorry! Sorry... I'll just stand still...
Brocante: (verging on sounding patronising)
Or you could follow me... There are more valuable things that you need to see, sir...
Paul: (slightly uncertain)
Oh... Right! I can't wait to tell Bettina about all this!
CHANGE OF LOCATION - TIME HAS PASSED AND PAUL IS NOW SPEAKING TO BETTINA ON THE PHONE - BROCANTE IS STILL THERE WITH PAUL...
Bettina: (ever-so polite)
Mister Brocante... I'm ever so grateful for all your help - who would have guessed that my dusty old box would have been so valuable! I had no idea that cobwebs would sell at such a high price!
Brocante: (showing off more than usual)
Well, dear lady - how WOULD you have known; this is why calling in a expert for these sorts of things is invaluable...
Bettina: (hopeful)
...And so you'll give me a quote?
Brocante: (politely)
I will, indeed...
Paul: (trying to make sense of all this)
...And is it ANY cobweb - like new ones as well?
Brocante: (distracted)
Mainly just the old ones - but if you store them carefully enough then they'll become old and then will eventually become collectable and of some value...
Bettina: (enthused)
Marvellous, darling! Paul, dear - why don't you show Mr Brocante down to the cellar - there must be plenty of cobwebs down there...
Paul: (less than keen)
There certainly were when Dameus locked me down there the other year...
Bettina: (apologetically)
Oh yes, dear... Well, you don't actually have to go back down there - just show him where it is...
Brocante: (sounding ultra-efficient)
Don't worry, dear lady - my assistant, Igor, is already investigating...
Bettina: (pleased)
Splendid! Splendid! I'm awfully grateful to you! Terribly so!
Brocante: (continuing, with rather too much charm)
If I may I'd like to ask you you're opinion on exactly how you'd like me to proceed... There are a number of possibilities and I'd be happy to quote you a number of different scenarios... (his voice fades away for Mr Yeti is moving away from them)
Paul: (speaking directly, cheerful)
Hello, listeners... Well now... Things seem to be going very nicely... I'm so glad I was able to help... Anything that helps Bettina with her finances; especially since she and Dameus are now engaged, of course! How fortunate that Mr Brocante was over here from the United States and was able to assist - he really is the best in the business... Well... He really is the only antique dealer that is associated with the show and was also willing to be recorded for just the price of a sandwich and a very large bottle of bubbly... Hey, look - I know it's not quite the same thing, but it's as good as we'll get...
PAUL PAUSES - HE HEARS A SOUND AND WHEN HE SPEAKS HE SOUNDS UNNERVED...
Oh!What was that? Not another skeleton in Bettina's cupboard coming to join the party; I do hope not! Where did that noise come from anyway - it sounds suspiciously like the cellar? THE CELLAR!! Hmm... Well, I'm not going down there! I wonder if it's Yeti Uncle John playing a prank!
(raising his voice) JOHN! IS THAT YOU!?! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!
THE CELLAR DOOR CREAKS OPEN...
(nervously) Oh, blimey... Whatever... WHOever it is - they're emerging now - right in front of me...
A SHAMBLING FIGURE EMERGES - IT IS IGOR, BROCANTE'S ASSISTANT...
Paul: (alarmed)
ARGH!
Igor: (grumpy)
Please do not ARGH at me! I have very sensitive lug-holes...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Please don't be alarmed, sir - this is Igor, my assistant; he is helping me with my work...
Paul: (over-dramatically)
Blimey... Sorry... I wondered who he was for the moment; especially emerging from that dreaded cellar like that - you may not know this, but I was locked down there once - held against my will...
Brocante:
Apologies, sir... It's never good to have one's will held... Well... Except in romantic moments... At any rate; you and Igor might have quite a bit in common now I think about it - I'm pretty sure he's half-yeti...
Paul: (uncertain)
I guess it's possible...
Igor: (cave-man-like / thinking things over)
She looks familiar...
Paul: (bemused)
Who does? I'm sorry... I'm confused now...
Brocante: (taking control)
Igor! I need you to focus... Did you find anything on that list I gave you; anything down in the cellar?
Igor: (unsure)
I may have found a fossil...
Paul: (excited)
Oooh! That could be valuable...
Brocante: (impatiently)
I guess so - although it wasn't on my list... What else did you see?
Igor: (spoken like a cave-man - slowly as he thinks each word)
I found more spiders... Do you think they might be the ones who make the valuable web...
Paul: (enthusiastically)
If you want a real spider expert then I can give you the number of a friend of mine, Jay the Hauntcub - what he doesn't know about our spidery friends isn't worth knowing...
Brocante: (mulling it over)
I may well take you up on that one...
Igor: (loudly and also with enthusiasm)
DEBBI! DEBBBBBBBIIIIII!
Paul: (trying not to show how alarmed he is)
I'm sorry - what is he saying?
Brocante: (part embarrassed / part thrilled)
Ah... I believe that Igor has mistaken you for one of his former girl friends.
Igor:
DEBBI! DEBBBBBIIIIIIII! MY BELOVED!!!!
Brocante: (attempting to calm Igor)
No Igor... It's not Debbi... I know you miss her... You know who this is - I'm pretty sure I showed you his photo - this is Shy Yeti...
Igor: (attempting to be seductive)
Debbi. Kissy. Kissy.
Paul: (mortified)
Oh! Errr... I'm really not who you think I am. Honestly I'm not!
Igor: (Over the top)
DEBBBBBBBIIIIIIII....
Paul: (bemused)
Do I even look anything like this Debbi? No... Don't even answer that one...
Brocante: (sounding uneasy)
Well, I hate to say it - but your back hair is pretty similar...
Igor: (eagerly)
DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!
Brocante: (apologetic but on the verge of not caring)
Leave him alone, Igor... I'm terribly sorry... Just back away slowly, sir... No sudden movements - I'll just go fetch his lead...
Paul: (growing afraid)
Oh! Cripes!
BRIEF END OF EPISODE SCENE
Setting: Paul is back home. This conversation happens via phone.
Paul: (enthusiastic/relaxed)
Hello listeners! I'm back home now... Goodness me! That Igor... He's quite a handful when you get him going! I wasn't sure if I was going to get away without being made his blushing bride. I mean, I'm not against hanging out with alpha males from time-to-time, but that's going a bit too far. (the phone begins to ring) Sorry... (answers phone) Hello... Paul The Shy Yeti speaking...
Brocante: (somewhat apologetically)
Hello, Mr Yeti, sir... I'm ever-so sorry about what happened when we met; I do hope that you're on the mend...
Paul: (not sounding completely sure in his answer)
Well, yes... I guess so... How is the... err... dear boy?
Brocante:
We've sent him to finishing school; so hopefully his behaviour will improve - eventually...
Paul: (unnerved on reflection)
Ah well, good... He was just being playful, I suppose - but there was a moment when I thought that I'd never manage a take part in a decent Fox-trot ever again...
Brocante: (unused to making small-talk)
Ah yes... I'm the same... I used to be a ballerina back in my youth, but I tripped on my tutu and I've never been QUITE the same since...
Paul: (slightly confused)
Oh... How... How very tragic... I thought tutu's were short...
Brocante: (sadly)
Alas not mine... They were home-made - my mother made them from some old curtains and she couldn't be bothered to cut them to an appropriate length...
Paul: (with understanding)
Parents, hey... You can't trust them! Anyway, I do hope everything is going well with selling those cobwebs...
Brocante: (sounding suddenly more positive)
Yes! Yes! All good, sir! Actually - Igor's visit to Madame Bettina's house wasn't all bad - as well as the cobwebs - he found a fossil down in the cellar; there's talk of getting some archaeologists in...
Paul: (awkwardly)
Fossils, you say? Down in the cellar!? I was locked down there for a day or two a year or so ago - are you sure it's not... well... I was down there for a few days and...
Brocante: (confidently confirming)
It's definitely a fossil...
Paul: (relieved)
Oh... Okay... Whatever you say! All very mysterious...
Brocante: (brightly)
By the way, sir... I believe I may have met a relative of yours back here in L.A.
Paul: (surprised)
A RELATIVE? OF MINE!? Whoever could THAT be?!
Brocante: (distractedly)
Um... Let me see, sir... I wrote his name down... (murmurs for a moment) ALGERNON!! His name was Algernon... Does that ring any bells?
Paul: (now shocked)
Goodness me, why yes - yes it does!! He's my long-lost cousin - although we've quite recently got back in touch... He lives in America, doesn't he - but how ever did you end up meeting him?
Brocante: (lowering voice, possibly delighted to be having this conversation)
You know, I don't like to speak out of turn or gossip, sir... Actually that's a lie - it's actually my very favourite thing to do
Paul: (encouraging)
Mine too... Do go on...
Brocante: (thinking it over)
Well, he's definitely one of my best customers...
Paul:
Really!? Buying or selling?
Brocante:
Mainly buying...
Paul: (confused)
Goodness! How strange... When I spoke to him he'd often say that he didn't have enough money for travel and yet...
Brocante: (trying to come up with a theory)
I guess he could have been buying for a client - like you were that first time we spoke, sir...
Paul: (hopeful)
Hmm... And do you think that might have been the case? Did he ever say that he was working for someone...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Well... No... Not really, sir...
Paul: (disappointed)
Golly... He's a bit of a mystery, I must say... I raised a whole bunch of money for him last year so that he could come visit because he claimed that he couldn't afford the tickets to fly over, but...
Brocante:
Oh my, sir... I don't wish to speak out of term, but he clearly does have money and possibly quite a lot of it...
Paul: (hopeful again)
Maybe he won the lottery...
Brocante:
Maybe, sir... Maybe...
Paul (voiceover);
It's all very curious... I'd like to simply dismiss this whole business as unfounded gossip - but I can't help but wonder about Cousin Algernon; I don't like to admit that Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right, but... but Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right... Something isn't definitely up with Cousin Algernon - but I'm not sure what... I do know somebody who might be able to help, though...
We hear a phone ringing - it is answered...
Martin: (slightly surprised)
Hello... Martin here... Is that you, yeti?
Paul: (delicately)
Yes... Yes... It's me... I'm sorry I'm calling so late... Just a quick question... You still have Police contacts, don't you?
Martin: (curious)
Yes... Yes! Of course... Why? Do you need some assistance?
Paul: (with concern)
I do... I really think I do... It's my Cousin Algernon... I want to find out more about him... I've had some slightly disturbing news and I don't quite know what to make of it...
Martin: (keen to help)
Oh... Really? Tell me more and I'll see what I can do to help you...
Paul: (grateful)
Thank you... Great... Well, you see... It's like this... (adlib-to-fade, banana water-melon etc.)
Paul begins to explain - but his voice fades away and the theme music drowns out his words...
MISTER BROCANTE AND THE ANTIQUE WITH 8 LEGS...
FORMERLY ENTITLED: MR. BROCANE AND BETTINA'S VALUABLE ASSETS!
Have you had the chance to start looking through the... err... artefacts?
Brocante:
Indeed, I have, sir...
Paul: (curious)
May I ask what you think?
Brocante: (cagily)
Well... Would you like the good news or the bad news?
Paul: (nervously)
Oh, goodness. The bad news, I guess...
Brocante: (milking it, rather...)
Well... Okay... So, the bad news is there is no good news...
Paul: (alarmed)
Oh, blimey! Are you kidding?
Brocante: (apologetically)
I'm afraid not... It's all bad news - at least about what you have here on this table...
Paul: (surprised)
But how? Why? What's wrong with them?
Brocante: (bluntly)
They're fakes - that's what - plain and simple...
Paul: (shocked)
What? All of them?
Brocante:
Yes! Every last one...
Paul: (confused)
But why on earth would Bettina ask you to value them if she knew they were fakes... She's not like that; she wouldn't try and pull the wool over your eyes - she'd know you'd spot a fake at first glance!
Brocante: (sounding slightly disillusioned)
Actually I probably wouldn't... Fakes are much harder to spot these days - there's so much more technology involved; last week I nearly bought a set of Queen Anne side-tables only to discover at the last minute that they were all just an elaborate form of C.G.I.!
Paul: (shocked)
Good grief! Incredible!? So how do you know these are fakes then?
Brocante: (matter-of-factly)
It's written on them in bright felt tip pen, sir... Look... Here... F-A-K-E... I had to get the dictionary out to work out what that spelt but now I know - FAKE... FAKES! The lot of them...
Paul: (confused)
I had no idea; does this happen a lot; this really doesn't make ANY sense at all, Brocante...
Brocante: (with authority)
Well... One thing I will say is that I don't think your friend Bettina would have known that these items weren't genuine... They're good fakes - but they don't exactly look very advanced examples...
Paul: (taken aback)
Really? So do you think that this might mean that somebody sold the family fortune years ago?
Brocante: (with growing interest in the subject)
I'm afraid it's possible, sir... That's if there ever was a true fortune - they might have owned the house and that was pretty much it... Still, presuming that there were valuable trinkets at some stage then they could have been sold off by pretty much anyone - not necessarily by a member of the family - it could even have been one of the staff or a passing house-guest; practically anyone!
Paul: (trying not to panic)
Oh dear! I'm going to have to break it to Bettina - but what IS she going to say about it all? She was holding out hope that she could raise enough to alleviate some of her current financial trouble; I reckon she's trying to clear her debts before she and her fiance, Dameus tie the knot later in the year!
Brocante: (trying to sound more hopeful)
Ah well... This may be true - although looking around this room I do think that maybe I might have some good news for you after all - just not news about the things that are set out here on the table...
Paul: (surprised)
I'm sorry - what do you mean, exactly?
Brocante:
Well... I think perhaps some of the other items in this room and around the house might be of value; does everything on display belong to Miss Bettina or is it the property of the company running the guided tours?
Paul: (still slightly confused)
It's all hers - or her families - from what I know... But the items that you've looked at were the only things that she thought were of actual value...
Brocante: (brightening)
Well - I am very happy to tell you that she was wrong... There are many valuable artefacts in this house - it's just that they're not obviously of any value... Let me show you...
Paul: (impressed/pleased)
Alright! This is marvellous news - I'm fascinated...
Brocante: (helpfully)
If I may, sir - allow me to show you some of the items in this house that I do believe to be of some value!
Paul: (in agreement)
Absolutely, yes...
MUSIC PLAYS - ONCE WE RETURN TO OUR "HEROES" WE FIND THEM IN ANOTHER ROOM AND BROCANTE IS SHOWING PAUL SOME VALUABLE ITEMS...
Brocante: (enthusiastically)
Now THIS is an absolute gem, sir...
Paul: (baffled/trying not to sound rude)
It's a what? I'm sorry... What are you referring to? You're pointing at a blank wall and an old cardboard box awaiting recycling - is this some kind of invisible trinket that I'm not aware of?
Brocante: (encouragingly/suddenly becoming less professional with his final comment)
Look closer, sir... No... Closer... Closer still... Go on - get that great big hooter right in there and have a sniff about...
Paul: (trying to remain composed, but clearly miffed)
Alright! Alright... My nose is now currently pressed up against the plaster, thank you...
Brocante: (clearly enjoying himself)
Sorry, sir... I got a bit carried away there; so now that you're close up what do you see NOW!?
Paul: (confused)
Well, I must admit I'm kind of seeing stars - but... erm... I really don't see much other than an empty cardboard box, a spot of dust and some spider-webs...
Brocante: (trying to sound wise)
Spider-webs, yes - but not just ANY spider-webs...
Paul: (surprised)
REALLY? They're valuable...
Brocante: (enthusiastic)
ABSOLUTELY they are, sir...
Paul:
Well, I never... Would you care to explain why, maybe?
Brocante: (quickly)
I will but careful, sir... You're about to step on the spider who makes the webs - I wouldn't advise it...
Paul: (apologetically)
Sorry! Sorry... I'll just stand still...
Brocante: (verging on sounding patronising)
Or you could follow me... There are more valuable things that you need to see, sir...
Paul: (slightly uncertain)
Oh... Right! I can't wait to tell Bettina about all this!
CHANGE OF LOCATION - TIME HAS PASSED AND PAUL IS NOW SPEAKING TO BETTINA ON THE PHONE - BROCANTE IS STILL THERE WITH PAUL...
Bettina: (ever-so polite)
Mister Brocante... I'm ever so grateful for all your help - who would have guessed that my dusty old box would have been so valuable! I had no idea that cobwebs would sell at such a high price!
Brocante: (showing off more than usual)
Well, dear lady - how WOULD you have known; this is why calling in a expert for these sorts of things is invaluable...
Bettina: (hopeful)
...And so you'll give me a quote?
Brocante: (politely)
I will, indeed...
Paul: (trying to make sense of all this)
...And is it ANY cobweb - like new ones as well?
Brocante: (distracted)
Mainly just the old ones - but if you store them carefully enough then they'll become old and then will eventually become collectable and of some value...
Bettina: (enthused)
Marvellous, darling! Paul, dear - why don't you show Mr Brocante down to the cellar - there must be plenty of cobwebs down there...
Paul: (less than keen)
There certainly were when Dameus locked me down there the other year...
Bettina: (apologetically)
Oh yes, dear... Well, you don't actually have to go back down there - just show him where it is...
Brocante: (sounding ultra-efficient)
Don't worry, dear lady - my assistant, Igor, is already investigating...
Bettina: (pleased)
Splendid! Splendid! I'm awfully grateful to you! Terribly so!
Brocante: (continuing, with rather too much charm)
If I may I'd like to ask you you're opinion on exactly how you'd like me to proceed... There are a number of possibilities and I'd be happy to quote you a number of different scenarios... (his voice fades away for Mr Yeti is moving away from them)
Paul: (speaking directly, cheerful)
Hello, listeners... Well now... Things seem to be going very nicely... I'm so glad I was able to help... Anything that helps Bettina with her finances; especially since she and Dameus are now engaged, of course! How fortunate that Mr Brocante was over here from the United States and was able to assist - he really is the best in the business... Well... He really is the only antique dealer that is associated with the show and was also willing to be recorded for just the price of a sandwich and a very large bottle of bubbly... Hey, look - I know it's not quite the same thing, but it's as good as we'll get...
PAUL PAUSES - HE HEARS A SOUND AND WHEN HE SPEAKS HE SOUNDS UNNERVED...
Oh!What was that? Not another skeleton in Bettina's cupboard coming to join the party; I do hope not! Where did that noise come from anyway - it sounds suspiciously like the cellar? THE CELLAR!! Hmm... Well, I'm not going down there! I wonder if it's Yeti Uncle John playing a prank!
(raising his voice) JOHN! IS THAT YOU!?! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!
THE CELLAR DOOR CREAKS OPEN...
(nervously) Oh, blimey... Whatever... WHOever it is - they're emerging now - right in front of me...
A SHAMBLING FIGURE EMERGES - IT IS IGOR, BROCANTE'S ASSISTANT...
Paul: (alarmed)
ARGH!
Igor: (grumpy)
Please do not ARGH at me! I have very sensitive lug-holes...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Please don't be alarmed, sir - this is Igor, my assistant; he is helping me with my work...
Paul: (over-dramatically)
Blimey... Sorry... I wondered who he was for the moment; especially emerging from that dreaded cellar like that - you may not know this, but I was locked down there once - held against my will...
Brocante:
Apologies, sir... It's never good to have one's will held... Well... Except in romantic moments... At any rate; you and Igor might have quite a bit in common now I think about it - I'm pretty sure he's half-yeti...
Paul: (uncertain)
I guess it's possible...
Igor: (cave-man-like / thinking things over)
She looks familiar...
Paul: (bemused)
Who does? I'm sorry... I'm confused now...
Brocante: (taking control)
Igor! I need you to focus... Did you find anything on that list I gave you; anything down in the cellar?
Igor: (unsure)
I may have found a fossil...
Paul: (excited)
Oooh! That could be valuable...
Brocante: (impatiently)
I guess so - although it wasn't on my list... What else did you see?
Igor: (spoken like a cave-man - slowly as he thinks each word)
I found more spiders... Do you think they might be the ones who make the valuable web...
Paul: (enthusiastically)
If you want a real spider expert then I can give you the number of a friend of mine, Jay the Hauntcub - what he doesn't know about our spidery friends isn't worth knowing...
Brocante: (mulling it over)
I may well take you up on that one...
Igor: (loudly and also with enthusiasm)
DEBBI! DEBBBBBBBIIIIII!
I'm sorry - what is he saying?
Brocante: (part embarrassed / part thrilled)
Ah... I believe that Igor has mistaken you for one of his former girl friends.
Igor:
DEBBI! DEBBBBBIIIIIIII! MY BELOVED!!!!
Brocante: (attempting to calm Igor)
No Igor... It's not Debbi... I know you miss her... You know who this is - I'm pretty sure I showed you his photo - this is Shy Yeti...
Igor: (attempting to be seductive)
Debbi. Kissy. Kissy.
Paul: (mortified)
Oh! Errr... I'm really not who you think I am. Honestly I'm not!
Igor: (Over the top)
DEBBBBBBBIIIIIIII....
Paul: (bemused)
Do I even look anything like this Debbi? No... Don't even answer that one...
Brocante: (sounding uneasy)
Well, I hate to say it - but your back hair is pretty similar...
Igor: (eagerly)
DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!
Brocante: (apologetic but on the verge of not caring)
Leave him alone, Igor... I'm terribly sorry... Just back away slowly, sir... No sudden movements - I'll just go fetch his lead...
Paul: (growing afraid)
Oh! Cripes!
Igor: (plaintively)
DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!! DEBBI!!!
Paul:
Oh no... (panics)
Brocante: (still slightly blah)
Sir! Sir! Didn't you hear me! No sudden moves! Sir! Sir! No!!! Igor!! No! That's not a wig - please don't tug at it... Stop it now! This is most unprofessional! I'm awfully sorry, sir...
THERE IS A LOT OF COMMOTION AND THE SCENE FADES DOWN TO AN END...
BRIEF END OF EPISODE SCENE
Setting: Paul is back home. This conversation happens via phone.
Paul: (enthusiastic/relaxed)
Hello listeners! I'm back home now... Goodness me! That Igor... He's quite a handful when you get him going! I wasn't sure if I was going to get away without being made his blushing bride. I mean, I'm not against hanging out with alpha males from time-to-time, but that's going a bit too far. (the phone begins to ring) Sorry... (answers phone) Hello... Paul The Shy Yeti speaking...
Brocante: (somewhat apologetically)
Hello, Mr Yeti, sir... I'm ever-so sorry about what happened when we met; I do hope that you're on the mend...
Paul: (not sounding completely sure in his answer)
Well, yes... I guess so... How is the... err... dear boy?
Brocante:
We've sent him to finishing school; so hopefully his behaviour will improve - eventually...
Paul: (unnerved on reflection)
Ah well, good... He was just being playful, I suppose - but there was a moment when I thought that I'd never manage a take part in a decent Fox-trot ever again...
Brocante: (unused to making small-talk)
Ah yes... I'm the same... I used to be a ballerina back in my youth, but I tripped on my tutu and I've never been QUITE the same since...
Paul: (slightly confused)
Oh... How... How very tragic... I thought tutu's were short...
Brocante: (sadly)
Alas not mine... They were home-made - my mother made them from some old curtains and she couldn't be bothered to cut them to an appropriate length...
Paul: (with understanding)
Parents, hey... You can't trust them! Anyway, I do hope everything is going well with selling those cobwebs...
Brocante: (sounding suddenly more positive)
Yes! Yes! All good, sir! Actually - Igor's visit to Madame Bettina's house wasn't all bad - as well as the cobwebs - he found a fossil down in the cellar; there's talk of getting some archaeologists in...
Paul: (awkwardly)
Fossils, you say? Down in the cellar!? I was locked down there for a day or two a year or so ago - are you sure it's not... well... I was down there for a few days and...
Brocante: (confidently confirming)
It's definitely a fossil...
Paul: (relieved)
Oh... Okay... Whatever you say! All very mysterious...
Brocante: (brightly)
By the way, sir... I believe I may have met a relative of yours back here in L.A.
Paul: (surprised)
A RELATIVE? OF MINE!? Whoever could THAT be?!
Brocante: (distractedly)
Um... Let me see, sir... I wrote his name down... (murmurs for a moment) ALGERNON!! His name was Algernon... Does that ring any bells?
Paul: (now shocked)
Goodness me, why yes - yes it does!! He's my long-lost cousin - although we've quite recently got back in touch... He lives in America, doesn't he - but how ever did you end up meeting him?
Brocante: (lowering voice, possibly delighted to be having this conversation)
You know, I don't like to speak out of turn or gossip, sir... Actually that's a lie - it's actually my very favourite thing to do
Paul: (encouraging)
Mine too... Do go on...
Brocante: (thinking it over)
Well, he's definitely one of my best customers...
Paul:
Really!? Buying or selling?
Brocante:
Mainly buying...
Paul: (confused)
Goodness! How strange... When I spoke to him he'd often say that he didn't have enough money for travel and yet...
Brocante: (trying to come up with a theory)
I guess he could have been buying for a client - like you were that first time we spoke, sir...
Paul: (hopeful)
Hmm... And do you think that might have been the case? Did he ever say that he was working for someone...
Brocante: (apologetically)
Well... No... Not really, sir...
Paul: (disappointed)
Golly... He's a bit of a mystery, I must say... I raised a whole bunch of money for him last year so that he could come visit because he claimed that he couldn't afford the tickets to fly over, but...
Brocante:
Oh my, sir... I don't wish to speak out of term, but he clearly does have money and possibly quite a lot of it...
Paul: (hopeful again)
Maybe he won the lottery...
Brocante:
Maybe, sir... Maybe...
Paul (voiceover);
It's all very curious... I'd like to simply dismiss this whole business as unfounded gossip - but I can't help but wonder about Cousin Algernon; I don't like to admit that Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right, but... but Yeti Uncle John might possibly be right... Something isn't definitely up with Cousin Algernon - but I'm not sure what... I do know somebody who might be able to help, though...
We hear a phone ringing - it is answered...
Martin: (slightly surprised)
Hello... Martin here... Is that you, yeti?
Paul: (delicately)
Yes... Yes... It's me... I'm sorry I'm calling so late... Just a quick question... You still have Police contacts, don't you?
Martin: (curious)
Yes... Yes! Of course... Why? Do you need some assistance?
Paul: (with concern)
I do... I really think I do... It's my Cousin Algernon... I want to find out more about him... I've had some slightly disturbing news and I don't quite know what to make of it...
Martin: (keen to help)
Oh... Really? Tell me more and I'll see what I can do to help you...
Paul: (grateful)
Thank you... Great... Well, you see... It's like this... (adlib-to-fade, banana water-melon etc.)
Paul begins to explain - but his voice fades away and the theme music drowns out his words...
MISTER BROCANTE AND THE ANTIQUE WITH 8 LEGS...
FORMERLY ENTITLED: MR. BROCANE AND BETTINA'S VALUABLE ASSETS!
BRIEF PLAN FOR EPISODE...
Start title music
Introduction from home (ad-lib)
Main title music
Start of episode chat (ad-lib)
Brief chat with Bettina... (ad-lib)
Main sketch with Brocante
Poems
Bettina again (ad-lib)
Sutton Park (with Martin and Cromitty)
Chat with Yeti Uncle John, Cromitty? (end ad-lib)
First end title music
Brief sketch with Brocante
Main End title music
End scene (Paul calls Martin - see above?)
Idea: Summer 2018. This was written between: 18th September 2018 and 1st February 2019 - with further work carrying on until the 5th April 2019.
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2019
