SHY YETI AND THE TRIFLE OF DOOM!!
Hello beasties!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
How was your Christmas and New Year? I hope you all had a lovely time...
This week we intend to start the year as we mean to go on - with another Shy Yeti script - not to mention two of our most recent podcast episodes... There are more to come - but we'll save those for our next post. Anyway...
Here we are for episode FORTY FOUR and this time Mr Yeti looks back over 2016 (well, since late May!) to review the many episodes that have already been released of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST, so far... There are clips from every episode and pretty much every guest - so it's a good one to listen to if you've never heard an episode of the show before or would like a reminder! How time flies!! Our next episode, number 45 - is our new year episode and there really is a lot going on! We'll be talking to some of our guests about what they like to get up to on New Year's Eve - but there is also Cromitty's nefarious plotting to undermine. Could this be the very last episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST??? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. Episode 44 was recorded between May and December - with new links recorded between the 5th November and the 30th December 2016.
Here we are again!! Episode FORTY FIVE sees THE SHY LIFE PODCAST having to face New Year issues - as we chat to some of our guests about what they like to get up to on New Year's Eve... But there are greater troubles to face... Might Mr Yeti have finally decided to cross over to the other dimension? Could this be the very last episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST?? Might there even be a MURDER!?! OR THREE!?! Find out by listening to what might well be our more exciting episode of the series yet!! Our next episode, if there is one - number 46 - will be out... soon!?! Or will it??? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. The cover art is by Toppie Smellie. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. Episode 45 was recorded between 29th November and 25th December 2016, with short chats recorded between October and December 2016.
I've also got some photos to share with you - taken when I was out and about in Richmond Park with Toby on Sunday 4th December 2016... I was able to record a few short pieces to go in a future episode concerning walking - out soon - but although it was sunny it was also quite breezy and so not ideal for recording audio on my phone. I'd spent Saturday 3rd December 2016 at home and in Wimbledon recording a slightly unusual episode which became Episode 39.
Before we move onto the new Shy Yeti Sketch I'd like to post a link to a new Soundcloud track that I posted on the 7th January - it's called ANTHEM (1984) and it's a bit of a long track, coming in at over eight minutes. It'll probably be appearing in one of our new SHY LIFE PODCAST episodes for 2017 too...
Here's the link:
ANTHEM (1984)
https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/anthem-1984
Yeti hugs - more soon!
Paul xx
P.S. This episode was originally called THE INVASION OF CAKE - but I thought trifle or jelly would probably make a more globby evil adversary! The script was written between 17th October and 13th December 2016, with proofing and tweaking going on until right until it was posted. The initial idea for this script came together during the Summer of 2016, although it was originally about cake, not trifle
SHY YETI AND THE TRIFLE OF DOOM!!
SETTING: Having recently reconnected with legendary American podcaster, Toppie Smellie at a local doctor's surgery - Shy Yeti has decided to treat his friend to a relaxing weekend away. Poor Toppie has recently had trouble with his memory and can't even remember how he arrived in England. Shy is hoping that a few days relaxing at a health farm might do Toppie some good; not that they're being particularly healthy but it's a good place to hide from Tolstoy - the evil cat who has been causing them so much trouble, of late... They appear to be getting on well - Pride48's own version of The Odd Couple - full of daft ideas for future projects.
SHY: (encouraging)
Well now... Things are finally looking a little more positive, Toppie... We just have to wait for the paperwork to go through and then you'll be on your way home...
TOPPIE: (laughs)
I know! It's wonderful; almost too good to be true...
SHY: (remaining positive)
Well, I do understand why you might say that - you've been through a horrible series of events lately; but I do think you can finally afford to relax now that you're here...
TOPPIE: (looking around nervously)
Yes, yes - I'm sure you're right... I guess I'm just not used to sitting about and relaxing like this - at least not recently...
SHY: (beaming)
Well, get used to it... Weekends are for kicking back and putting your feet up...
TOPPIE: (frowning for a moment)
Not where I come from they're not... You do realise that I often work at the weekend...
SHY: (apologetically)
Oh... I'm sorry! I'd forgotten... So it makes a nice change - and not to mention that we've been able to formulate some writing ideas too - I've really enjoyed myself... I just wish it didn't take you being kidnapped to enable it!
TOPPIE: (shaking his head sadly)
It wasn't ideal... Goodness knows what I'll do when I get back... I hope I haven't lost my job...
SHY:
I wasn't going to tell you this, but I spoke to your boss just this morning - I used a bit of shhh magic on him - everything is fine...
TOPPIE: (slightly unnerved)
Are you sure? Wow! What is this shhh magic, exactly?
SHY: (with sympathy and concern)
Oh, don't you worry - I'll explain later... Everything is going to be just fine, I tell you - don't you worry... With a bit of luck after another couple of days here your memory will be entirely back to normal... We can but hope, hey?
TOPPIE: (uncertain)
Hmm... Yes... I guess...
SHY:
You don't seem sure...
TOPPIE:
It's not so much that, I just can't remember...
SHY: (with a slight smirk)
Hmm... Well, I really think that you're beginning to...
TOPPIE: (keen to change the subject)
Well, yes... I suppose you're right! Do you think we could have some more cake?
SHY: (wincing slightly at the mention of food)
Of course... Specifically cake? Haven't we eaten all known stocks of cake over the last couple of days?
TOPPIE: (with hope)
Well, I'd hope they'd have had a new delivery by now...
SHY: (beaming)
Fair point... So... CAKE IT IS!
TOPPIE: (enthusiastic)
Oh goody... Should I call a waiter... Oh, here comes one now...
SHY:
No... No... He's a bit creepy... Let me sort it... You just take the weight off your feet - I'll sort this... (Shybegins to leave, but then returns almost immediately) Any particular type of cake?
TOPPIE: (vague)
Oh... Err... I dunno... Anything with crumbs, I guess...
SHY: (nodding, rolling eyes)
Sure... Right... (mutters) Big help... Thanks, Topster!
TOPPIE: (teasing)
If there is no cake then anything sweet will do... A nice six-footer, tall, dark and handsome- you know my type, right?! It's a bit like yours... Human... Available... Especially in the wallet...
SHY: (laughing)
Funny man! Human-shaped will do me; so that includes robots, androids and shop-store dummies!
TOPPIE LAUGHS ONE OF HIS FAMOUS TOPPIE LAUGHS, AS SHY HEADS FOR THE RESTAURANT BUFFET, LEAVING TOPPIE RELAXING BY THE POOL - AS HE NEARS THE QUEUE HE SEES THAT THERE IS A BIT OF A COMMOTION AHEAD AND PUSHES BOLDLY TO THE FRONT OF THE CROWD OF GUESTS TO TRY AND FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING ON...
EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! LET ME THROUGH... I'M A... WHATEVER YOU NEED ME TO BE...
HEAD WAITER: (pleasantly surprised)
A supernatural investigator? REALLY!?!
SHY: (concerned)
Really? That's what you need?
HEAD WAITER: (close to tears)
Either that or an exorcist, perhaps...
SHY: (hopeful)
Not just some kind of catering expert?
HEAD WAITER: (determined)
No... No... That's definitely not our biggest problem...
FEMALE VOICE: (calling from the back of the crowd)
The flaky pastry is awfully soggy if you've got any advice...
SHY: (a little out of his depth)
Err... Well...
HEAD WAITER: (taking charge, ushering Shy through)
Please, lady... This is not the time to discuss such matters... Please... Everyone... Stand back and let this gentleman through... Thank you... Thank you!
SHY: (trying to wriggle out of helping)
Err... Really? I'm not sure... I was actually just looking for directions to the... library...
HEAD WAITER: (pleading)
But sir, you have to help us... You are our only hope... Won't you be our hero?
SHY: (his ears perking up)
Oh... Your hero - you say? Really? (he thinks about it, his mind changes) Okay then... Alright... Very well then... Let me see...
SHY EMERGES FROM THE CROWD AND FOLLOWS THE WAITER - APPROACHING THE PUDDING TROLLEY AND STOPPING IN HIS TRACKS, SHOCKED BY THE ACTIVITY THAT IS GOING ON... SOMETHING BAD IS GOING DOWN ON THE DESSERT TABLE - BUT IT TAKES SHY A MOMENT TO REALISE THAT IT ISN'T SOME ANIMAL MOVING AROUND AND MAKING A MESS, BUT THE DESSERT ITSELF - SPECIFICALLY THE TRIFLE - AND IT IS ALIVE!!!
(sounding very cross, but remaining PG-rated) What the FLIP is going on here, all of a sudden?
HEAD WAITER: (reluctantly)
Well, sir... It would appear that the dessert has...
SHY: (matter-of-factly, but baffled)
Taken on a life of its own! But how!?
HEAD WAITER: (apologetically)
We really don't know, sir...
SHY: (trying to make sense of it all)
Well, goodness me - we're really going to need to start thinking over possibilities... Presumably it wasn't like this when it left the kitchen!?
HEAD WAITER: (uncertain)
Err... Well...
SHY: (surprised)
Come on... Somebody would have noticed, surely!?
HEAD WAITER: (in agreement)
Yes, sir... I would say so, sir... Unless it was asleep...
SHY: (shocked)
ASLEEP!? THE TRIFLE WAS ASLEEP!? Are we seriously having this conversation!?
HEAD WAITER: (politely)
Well, sir... I find in this business that you can never presume anything other than the extraordinary...
SHY: (nodding, thinking it through)
I guess so - you have a point I suppose...
HEAD WAITER: (speaking very quickly)
What are we going to do, sir? What is it doing there? How come it's trying to clamber its way out of the bowl like that? Is it an alien? Do you think it fell out of the sky from a UFO?
SHY: (looking up, musing it over)
I don't think so... It would have needed to have fallen through several floors to have reached this room and there is no hole in the ceiling... Maybe it teleported here or simply crawled up out of the sewers...
HEAD WAITER: (upset/worried)
Oh, blimey - the health and safety people are really going to be after us at that rate...
SHY: (trying to remain calm)
I think there's a far more pressing concern that this trifle of yours might be after doing us some harm - and unlike an encounter with the health and safety people we might not survive such an encounter...
VOICES: (somewhere in the crowd, shocked)
IT'S GROWING!! IT'S GETTING BIGGER!!
SHY: (trying to remain calm, then failing)
Yes, thank you, dear - it is too... NOW PLEASE - WILL YOU ALL GET BACK...
HEAD WAITER: (sounding like he is about to cry)
Are you sure? I was hoping it was getting smaller?
SHY: (nervously)
Wishful thinking... It only seems to be interested in the contents of that table of food - but once that's all gone I fear we will all be its next target...
HEAD WAITER: (calling out)
OH MY! PLEASE, EVERYONE - GET BACK!!
THEIR AUDIENCE FINALLY BEGINS TO LISTEN TO THEM AS IT BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE TO HIDE THE TRUE HORROR OF THE RAPIDLY GROWING TRIFLE CREATURE ON THE DESSERT TABLE...
(turning to Shy, whispers) So, what do we do now?
SHY: (thinking on his feet)
Umm... I may have to call my... errr... sidekick...
HEAD WAITER: (surprised)
You have a sidekick?
SHY: (trying to sound professional)
I do now, yes... Excuse me for a second... (Shy takes out his mobile phone, pulls up a number - then dials it) Toppie? Yes! Yes... It's me... Yes, I am still here... I was trying to get your dessert - but now I need your help... Can you come over to the buffet area, please? Yes! Really... You'll see why when you get over here, okay? Okay... Thanks... Bring something to defend yourself too - a stick or a French baguette or something... No! No, I'm not kidding - no... See you in a minute... (he breaks the call)
HEAD WAITER: (concerned)
He wasn't too keen? Is he still coming?
SHY: (confident)
He is, yes... He won't be long...
HEAD WAITER: (persistent)
...And is he nearby?
SHY: (impatiently, almost rude)
He's relaxing by the pool here... I've said... He won't be a moment...
HEAD WAITER: (relieved)
Oh... Good... I'm Hector, by the way... (offers his hand, Shy shakes it)
SHY: (with fake modesty)
I'm Shy... Shy Yeti... (waits for him to recognise the name, which he doesn't and so adds) You might have heard of me...
HECTOR: (awkwardly, blushing)
Err... Well, I just did... When you said the name only seconds ago...
SHY: (trying not to sound too infuriated)
No, silly... I meant in general...
HECTOR: (cowering slightly)
Not before just now, nope... Why? Should I?
SHY: (somewhat indignantly)
I'm a poet... Amongst other things...
HECTOR: (unsure)
Err... What? Like a rapper or something?
SHY: (snobbishly)
No... No... Nothing so coarse... A poet... A proper poet - who writes poetry and other verse....
HECTOR: (protectively)
Hey! What's wrong with being a rapper... My brother-in-law, Poodle, is one...
SHY: (almost sarcastically)
Really? Does he get much work?
HECTOR: (proudly)
Some... But he's a postman for his day job - he only raps at night...
SHY: (curious, but quite bossy-sounding)
And he uses these rapping skills how exactly? I take it that he rhymes,,, You don't need to tell me - I know that rapping's all the rave these days - but I just wondered if he ever uses these verbal skills of his when he communicates during his role as deliverer of post...
HECTOR: (unsure)
Errr... Oh... I see... Occasionally, maybe... If somebody is having a birthday he might well do them a celebratory rap or... something...
SHY: (distracted/irritated)
Ah... Okay... What were we saying? Oh... Here comes Toppie... (he glares at the crowd) People! People! Let this man through - he's here to help!!
SURE ENOUGH TOPPIE APPEARS - HE IS SURPRISED TO SEE THE CROWD AND IS A LITTLE SELF-CONSCIOUS AS HE IS WEARING A BRIGHTLY-STRIPED 18TH CENTURY-STYLE BATHING GOWN, AS PROVIDED BY THE CLINIC... ALTHOUGH IT IS COMFORTABLE AND FAR FROM REVEALING IT DOES LOOK A LITTLE SILLY ON HIM... SHY IS WEARING SOMETHING SIMILAR BUT SEEMS OBLIVIOUS TO THE LOOK, IN FACT HE RATHER LIKES THE FLOUNCY POLKA-DOT SLEEVES,,,
TOPPIE: (confused)
Err... What's going on here, exactly!?
HECTOR: (helpfully)
Ah! Just a small problem, sir... Your friend here tells us that you might be able to assist...
TOPPIE: (gasping audibly)
GOOD GRIEF!?! WHAT IS THAT THING!?! YETI!?
SHY: (unsure quite how to explain)
Ah... It's a... It's a trifle...
TOPPIE: (sounding a little suspicious)
A trifle?! Isn't that one of your weird British desserts?
SHY: (sounding slightly put-out)
Errr... Yes... Yes, you could say that...
TOPPIE: (with concern)
And is it meant to be wiggling around on that trestle-table like that eating all the other cake?
SHY: (growing increasingly worried)
To be honest it probably isn't, no...
TOPPIE: (lowers voice)
And do these people think that we're able to somehow do something about this?
SHY: (looking as if he might begin to cry at any minute)
Errr... Yeah... Kind of...
TOPPIE: (suspiciously)
And why would that be, yeti?
SHY: (embarrassed)
It may be that I sort of told them that I could - well, that you could actually...
TOPPIE: (not exactly pleased)
Oh... Thank you...
SHY: (hopeful)
Well, I thought that maybe you could communicate with it - whatever it is - like you do with the cats....
TOPPIE: (with raised eyebrows)
Really!? It doesn't look much like a cat to me...
SHY: (teasing slightly)
I'm pretty sure that I hear it purring... Why don't you get closer?
TOPPIE: (snappily, but not really angry)
Why don't you get lost, yeti!? Hey... You know what - I have a better idea... We should both interview it - podcast at it to be precise...
SHY: (surprised)
WE SHOULD!?! Toppie, are you sure about this?
TOPPIE: (encouraging - sounding quite reasonable)
Er, yeah... We're both podcasters - it's our skill... We can use it to our advantage... To the advantage of all these people too...
SHY: (nervously)
So, you want me to interview this trifle? I mean - how much do we actually expect it to say? After all, it may be moving - but it's basically just made up of jelly and cream and tinned fruit - with soggy sponge fingers and custard... Oh - and maybe even sherry...
TOPPIE: (pulling a face)
It sounds disgusting!
SHY: (enthusiastically)
It's HEAVEN, Toppie... Really, it is - you so have to try it...
TOPPIE: (sarcastically)
Oh yes, sure... So what - you want me to go up to that thing and take a bite?
SHY: (digressing)
Oh no, I wouldn't do that... This one is... Well, it's wrong, isn't it? I wouldn't advise eating it... I wonder if something else is in there under all that custard... I must say though, please do try a proper trifle once you get a chance...
TOPPIE: (shaking his head)
Well, thank you for that recommendation... At least I know what a trifle is now... So what now? Are you going to interview it? I mean, I'll help... It was only a suggestion...
SHY: (trying to appear heroic)
Alright, then... Let's go... I have my phone with me... I'll record...
TOPPIE: (quick with a compliment)
I like how you're always prepared, Shy - you really do take this podcasting business seriously... I admire that!
SHY: (returning with one of his own)
Hey! It's you who's the podfather...
TOPPIE: (once again distracted from their mission)
Oh, shucks - that's awfully nice of you...
SHY: (ushering him forward)
That's okay, Toppie - why don't you go first... (he stands aside to let Toppie go forward towards the mutant trifle)
TOPPIE: (the truth suddenly dawning on him)
Oh, right. Now I see what you're up to... Crafty devil... Come on then... Let's go...
SHY SMILES NERVOUSLY, GLANCING BACK TO HECTOR - TRYING TO LOOK IN CONTROL...
SHY: (reassuringly)
Don't worry... We'll get this sorted... We won't be long... We're not quite sure why this is happening - but we'll deal with it all the same...
HECTOR: (not sounding keen)
Ah... Okay... If it's a problem then I can always call the manager...
TOPPIE: (polite, but firm)
I wouldn't do that... We're practically the only two people for miles who are capable of dealing with this situation... It'd be safer not to involve your boss - he might call The Police and then goodness knows what might occur...
HECTOR: (lowering his tone, concerned)
I know it's selfish - but I'd really rather that didn't happen if we can avoid it...
TOPPIE: (nodding, then turning to his colleague)
Alright... Fine! Come on then, Shy... Podcasters unite!
SHY: (trying to sound enthusiastic)
TALLY-HO! Is that right?
TOPPIE: (in agreement)
Sounds right, yes...
THE TWO OF THEM APPROACH THE JELLY, WHICH SHY NOTES IS NOT MOVING QUITE AS BUSILY AS IT WAS DOING EARLIER - IT APPEARS TO HAVE EATEN MOST OF THE FOOD ON THE TABLE AND IS PERHAPS PAUSING FOR A REST...
(hopefully) Do you think it's full?
SHY: (nervous/hopeful)
I'm not sure - start recording and maybe it'll tell us...
TOPPIE: (alarmed/amazed)
Do you actually think it will speak?
SHY: (with a slight smile)
If it knows what's good for it, it will... Okay, have you got the recorder started?
TOPPIE: (with a professional politeness)
Alright, go ahead, I'm now recording...
SHY: (using his best radio voice)
Okay... Okay, then... (moving slowly forwards, unsure quite how to begin the conversation) Hello... Sir... Might I just have a word?
THE TRIFLE MONSTER CONTINUES TO JUST LAY THERE, UNMOVING, ON THE TABLE AND SO SHY STEPS EVEN CLOSER... THE WHOLE ROOM IS SILENT AND THE GUESTS WATCH WITH A MIXTURE OF EXCITEMENT AND FEAR TO SEE WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN NEXT...
TOPPIE: (chipping in a comment)
We just wondered if you might like to give us a statement, sir... We're podcasters...
SHY: (trying to sound as normal as possible)
Between us we have quite a large audience - I mention that only on the off-chance that you have something that you'd like to promote...
TOPPIE: (whispers)
Do you think that thing might have a new album out or something?
SHY: (whispering in response)
You can't use the word "thing", Toppie... It might be offended!!
TOPPIE: (exasperated)
Until we find out what it actually is, then what exactly am I supposed to call it? I can't say he - I can't say she - to call it and IT is as bad as calling it a thing...
SHY: (conceding how frustrating the whole matter is)
Oh, good point - I don't know... It doesn't say much, does it?
TOPPIE: (confused)
How do we know if it's looking at us? Or is it simply ignoring us, do you think?
SHY: (lowers his voice again)
I wonder if it even understands English... It might just be sulking...
TOPPIE IS ABOUT TO ADD SOMETHING WHEN SUDDENLY THE TRIFLE CREATURE REARS UP - RISING UP FROM THE TABLE UNTIL IT TOWERS ABOVE THEM BOTH... FOR A MOMENT IT HANGS THERE IN MID-AIR, BUT THEN SHOCKINGLY IT LETS OUT A LOUD BELCH AND THEN DROPS - COMPLETELY ENVELOPING SHY YETI, LEAVING A MESSY TOWER OF JELLY, CUSTARD, FRUIT, CREAM, SPONGE FINGERS, GLACE CHERRIES AND HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS. THE CROWD LETS AT AN ENORMOUS GASP - THE TRIFLE WRIGGLES AND WRIGGLES AND THEN LETS OUT A LOUD FARTING NOISE - TOPPIE JUMPS BACK AND AS HE DOES HE FALLS OVER HECTOR...
HECTOR: (hysterically)
WHAT'S HAPPENING!?! WHAT'S HAPPENING!?!
TOPPIE: (equally as hysterically)
I DON'T KNOW!! I DON'T KNOW!!
HECTOR: (bewildered)
IT'S EATEN HIM!!
TOPPIE: (hopeful, but unsure)
NO! NO, IT HASN'T...
HECTOR: (confused)
OKAY, THEN WHAT HAS HAPPENED!?
TOPPIE: (floundering)
I DON'T KNOW!!!
HECTOR: (aghast)
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!
TOPPIE:
I STILL DON'T KNOW!!
SHY: (his voice emerging as if from nowhere)
It's okay, guys... I'm fine... I'm here... I'm alright...
TOPPIE: (overjoyed/relieved)
YETI!?! IS THAT YOU!?!
HECTOR: (also relieved)
Is that your friend? It certainly sounds like him!
TOPPIE: (slightly bamboozled)
Yes! Yes! It IS him... But where is he?
HECTOR: (surprised)
His voice came from inside that... that... thing...
TOPPIE: (mutters, then more directly)
Don't say thing... But okay... Are you sure?
SHY: (politely)
Hector's right... I'm inside this thing... It's really rather revolting... Is there any chance that you can help me out?
TOPPIE: (uncertain)
Eww! You mean actually touching that thing? Is it safe!?! Won't it be cross?
HECTOR: (poking it gently with a pencil)
It's not moving like it was before... I think... Well, it looks dead...
TOPPIE: (delicately)
You're not wrong... Still... Be careful! Shy... I think you might have killed the trifle monster...
SHY: (wary)
Maybe... Although I'm not convinced that it was ever truly alive... I think something might have bewitched it... Don't ask me why or who did it - I have no idea...
TOPPIE: (lowering his voice, looking around them)
Tolstoy! It must be his work - or one of his people, at least...
SHY: (curious)
Maybe... Would that cat have the ability to do something like that? To bewitch a trifle!?
TOPPIE: (unconfidently confident)
I'd say so...
SHY: (still on the ground amongst the goo)
Well, maybe... Hey! Look! Come on now guys - somebody give me a hand, won't you?
THE OTHER TWO DON'T LOOK EXACTLY ENAMOURED BY THE IDEA - BUT THEY DO...
TOPPIE: (smirking)
I dunno, yeti - this really is a sticky situation that you've got yourself into here...
THERE ARE LOTS OF HORRIBLE SQUELCHING NOISES - BUT IT ISN'T AS EASY AS ONE WOULD HAVE EXPECTED TO GET SHY UPRIGHT... TOPPIE AND HECTOR END UP BEING SUCKED INTO THE JELLY TOO AND A FOOD FIGHT ENSUES... ALL THE GUESTS PILE IN AND WE LEAVE EVENTS AS JELLY FLIES THROUGH THE AIR... UP IN A NEARBY TREE A PAIR OF EYES WATCH WHAT IS GOING ON - IT IS A CAT, BUT NOT NECESSARILY TOLSTOY - ONE WOULD ALMOST SWEAR THAT THE CAT WAS SMILING... SMILING AND PLOTTING ANOTHER MOMENT OF MISCHIEF... ALL OF A SUDDEN TOPPIE STOPS FLINGING TRIFLE ABOUT AND A STRANGE LOOK APPEARS ON HIS FACE - SHY NOTICES AND CALLS OUT TO HIM FROM BENEATH HIS SHAGGY MANE OF CUSTARD-COATED FUR...
SHY: (concerned)
Toppie? What's wrong? You've not inhaled a glacé cherry or something, have you?
TOPPIE: (distracted)
No... No, I haven't... I think you're right though...
SHY: (confused)
Right about what?
TOPPIE: (excited)
About my memory coming back... A big chunk of it has just coming flooding back...
SHY: (enthused)
Oh! Wow! That's marvellous...
TOPPIE: (worried)
Hmm... I'm not so sure... Oh no... Oh dear... No. No. No. I don't like this at all...
SHY: (hurrying over)
Toppie!? What is it? What's wrong...
TOPPIE: (lowering his voice)
Oh dear... Oh Yeti... If my memory isn't playing tricks on me then I think something really bad happened to me just before I was kidnapped... Something... Unspeakable...
SHY IS LOST FOR WORDS AND TOPPIE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT BE ABOUT TO RUN AWAY - BUT THEN SUDDENLY HE BENDS DOWN, COLLECTS UP SOME MORE CUSTARD AND FLINGS IT STRAIGHT AT HIS FRIEND THE YETI... SHY IS SHOCKED, BUT THROWS A MESS OF CREAM BACK AT HIM... THE FOOD FIGHT CONTINUES, BUT THIS TIME WITH A SLIGHTLY LESS JUBILANT ATMOSPHERE... MEANWHILE, THE CAT IN THE TREE IS GONE...
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.
(sounding very cross, but remaining PG-rated) What the FLIP is going on here, all of a sudden?
HEAD WAITER: (reluctantly)
Well, sir... It would appear that the dessert has...
SHY: (matter-of-factly, but baffled)
Taken on a life of its own! But how!?
HEAD WAITER: (apologetically)
We really don't know, sir...
SHY: (trying to make sense of it all)
Well, goodness me - we're really going to need to start thinking over possibilities... Presumably it wasn't like this when it left the kitchen!?
HEAD WAITER: (uncertain)
Err... Well...
SHY: (surprised)
Come on... Somebody would have noticed, surely!?
HEAD WAITER: (in agreement)
Yes, sir... I would say so, sir... Unless it was asleep...
SHY: (shocked)
ASLEEP!? THE TRIFLE WAS ASLEEP!? Are we seriously having this conversation!?
HEAD WAITER: (politely)
Well, sir... I find in this business that you can never presume anything other than the extraordinary...
SHY: (nodding, thinking it through)
I guess so - you have a point I suppose...
HEAD WAITER: (speaking very quickly)
What are we going to do, sir? What is it doing there? How come it's trying to clamber its way out of the bowl like that? Is it an alien? Do you think it fell out of the sky from a UFO?
SHY: (looking up, musing it over)
I don't think so... It would have needed to have fallen through several floors to have reached this room and there is no hole in the ceiling... Maybe it teleported here or simply crawled up out of the sewers...
HEAD WAITER: (upset/worried)
Oh, blimey - the health and safety people are really going to be after us at that rate...
SHY: (trying to remain calm)
I think there's a far more pressing concern that this trifle of yours might be after doing us some harm - and unlike an encounter with the health and safety people we might not survive such an encounter...
VOICES: (somewhere in the crowd, shocked)
IT'S GROWING!! IT'S GETTING BIGGER!!
SHY: (trying to remain calm, then failing)
Yes, thank you, dear - it is too... NOW PLEASE - WILL YOU ALL GET BACK...
HEAD WAITER: (sounding like he is about to cry)
Are you sure? I was hoping it was getting smaller?
SHY: (nervously)
Wishful thinking... It only seems to be interested in the contents of that table of food - but once that's all gone I fear we will all be its next target...
HEAD WAITER: (calling out)
OH MY! PLEASE, EVERYONE - GET BACK!!
THEIR AUDIENCE FINALLY BEGINS TO LISTEN TO THEM AS IT BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE TO HIDE THE TRUE HORROR OF THE RAPIDLY GROWING TRIFLE CREATURE ON THE DESSERT TABLE...
(turning to Shy, whispers) So, what do we do now?
SHY: (thinking on his feet)
Umm... I may have to call my... errr... sidekick...
HEAD WAITER: (surprised)
You have a sidekick?
SHY: (trying to sound professional)
I do now, yes... Excuse me for a second... (Shy takes out his mobile phone, pulls up a number - then dials it) Toppie? Yes! Yes... It's me... Yes, I am still here... I was trying to get your dessert - but now I need your help... Can you come over to the buffet area, please? Yes! Really... You'll see why when you get over here, okay? Okay... Thanks... Bring something to defend yourself too - a stick or a French baguette or something... No! No, I'm not kidding - no... See you in a minute... (he breaks the call)
HEAD WAITER: (concerned)
He wasn't too keen? Is he still coming?
SHY: (confident)
He is, yes... He won't be long...
HEAD WAITER: (persistent)
...And is he nearby?
SHY: (impatiently, almost rude)
He's relaxing by the pool here... I've said... He won't be a moment...
HEAD WAITER: (relieved)
Oh... Good... I'm Hector, by the way... (offers his hand, Shy shakes it)
SHY: (with fake modesty)
I'm Shy... Shy Yeti... (waits for him to recognise the name, which he doesn't and so adds) You might have heard of me...
HECTOR: (awkwardly, blushing)
Err... Well, I just did... When you said the name only seconds ago...
SHY: (trying not to sound too infuriated)
No, silly... I meant in general...
HECTOR: (cowering slightly)
Not before just now, nope... Why? Should I?
SHY: (somewhat indignantly)
I'm a poet... Amongst other things...
HECTOR: (unsure)
Err... What? Like a rapper or something?
SHY: (snobbishly)
No... No... Nothing so coarse... A poet... A proper poet - who writes poetry and other verse....
HECTOR: (protectively)
Hey! What's wrong with being a rapper... My brother-in-law, Poodle, is one...
SHY: (almost sarcastically)
Really? Does he get much work?
HECTOR: (proudly)
Some... But he's a postman for his day job - he only raps at night...
SHY: (curious, but quite bossy-sounding)
And he uses these rapping skills how exactly? I take it that he rhymes,,, You don't need to tell me - I know that rapping's all the rave these days - but I just wondered if he ever uses these verbal skills of his when he communicates during his role as deliverer of post...
HECTOR: (unsure)
Errr... Oh... I see... Occasionally, maybe... If somebody is having a birthday he might well do them a celebratory rap or... something...
SHY: (distracted/irritated)
Ah... Okay... What were we saying? Oh... Here comes Toppie... (he glares at the crowd) People! People! Let this man through - he's here to help!!
SURE ENOUGH TOPPIE APPEARS - HE IS SURPRISED TO SEE THE CROWD AND IS A LITTLE SELF-CONSCIOUS AS HE IS WEARING A BRIGHTLY-STRIPED 18TH CENTURY-STYLE BATHING GOWN, AS PROVIDED BY THE CLINIC... ALTHOUGH IT IS COMFORTABLE AND FAR FROM REVEALING IT DOES LOOK A LITTLE SILLY ON HIM... SHY IS WEARING SOMETHING SIMILAR BUT SEEMS OBLIVIOUS TO THE LOOK, IN FACT HE RATHER LIKES THE FLOUNCY POLKA-DOT SLEEVES,,,
TOPPIE: (confused)
Err... What's going on here, exactly!?
HECTOR: (helpfully)
Ah! Just a small problem, sir... Your friend here tells us that you might be able to assist...
TOPPIE: (gasping audibly)
GOOD GRIEF!?! WHAT IS THAT THING!?! YETI!?
SHY: (unsure quite how to explain)
Ah... It's a... It's a trifle...
TOPPIE: (sounding a little suspicious)
A trifle?! Isn't that one of your weird British desserts?
SHY: (sounding slightly put-out)
Errr... Yes... Yes, you could say that...
TOPPIE: (with concern)
And is it meant to be wiggling around on that trestle-table like that eating all the other cake?
SHY: (growing increasingly worried)
To be honest it probably isn't, no...
TOPPIE: (lowers voice)
And do these people think that we're able to somehow do something about this?
SHY: (looking as if he might begin to cry at any minute)
Errr... Yeah... Kind of...
TOPPIE: (suspiciously)
And why would that be, yeti?
SHY: (embarrassed)
It may be that I sort of told them that I could - well, that you could actually...
TOPPIE: (not exactly pleased)
Oh... Thank you...
SHY: (hopeful)
Well, I thought that maybe you could communicate with it - whatever it is - like you do with the cats....
TOPPIE: (with raised eyebrows)
Really!? It doesn't look much like a cat to me...
SHY: (teasing slightly)
I'm pretty sure that I hear it purring... Why don't you get closer?
TOPPIE: (snappily, but not really angry)
Why don't you get lost, yeti!? Hey... You know what - I have a better idea... We should both interview it - podcast at it to be precise...
SHY: (surprised)
WE SHOULD!?! Toppie, are you sure about this?
TOPPIE: (encouraging - sounding quite reasonable)
Er, yeah... We're both podcasters - it's our skill... We can use it to our advantage... To the advantage of all these people too...
SHY: (nervously)
So, you want me to interview this trifle? I mean - how much do we actually expect it to say? After all, it may be moving - but it's basically just made up of jelly and cream and tinned fruit - with soggy sponge fingers and custard... Oh - and maybe even sherry...
TOPPIE: (pulling a face)
It sounds disgusting!
SHY: (enthusiastically)
It's HEAVEN, Toppie... Really, it is - you so have to try it...
TOPPIE: (sarcastically)
Oh yes, sure... So what - you want me to go up to that thing and take a bite?
SHY: (digressing)
Oh no, I wouldn't do that... This one is... Well, it's wrong, isn't it? I wouldn't advise eating it... I wonder if something else is in there under all that custard... I must say though, please do try a proper trifle once you get a chance...
TOPPIE: (shaking his head)
Well, thank you for that recommendation... At least I know what a trifle is now... So what now? Are you going to interview it? I mean, I'll help... It was only a suggestion...
SHY: (trying to appear heroic)
Alright, then... Let's go... I have my phone with me... I'll record...
TOPPIE: (quick with a compliment)
I like how you're always prepared, Shy - you really do take this podcasting business seriously... I admire that!
SHY: (returning with one of his own)
Hey! It's you who's the podfather...
TOPPIE: (once again distracted from their mission)
Oh, shucks - that's awfully nice of you...
SHY: (ushering him forward)
That's okay, Toppie - why don't you go first... (he stands aside to let Toppie go forward towards the mutant trifle)
TOPPIE: (the truth suddenly dawning on him)
Oh, right. Now I see what you're up to... Crafty devil... Come on then... Let's go...
SHY SMILES NERVOUSLY, GLANCING BACK TO HECTOR - TRYING TO LOOK IN CONTROL...
SHY: (reassuringly)
Don't worry... We'll get this sorted... We won't be long... We're not quite sure why this is happening - but we'll deal with it all the same...
HECTOR: (not sounding keen)
Ah... Okay... If it's a problem then I can always call the manager...
TOPPIE: (polite, but firm)
I wouldn't do that... We're practically the only two people for miles who are capable of dealing with this situation... It'd be safer not to involve your boss - he might call The Police and then goodness knows what might occur...
HECTOR: (lowering his tone, concerned)
I know it's selfish - but I'd really rather that didn't happen if we can avoid it...
TOPPIE: (nodding, then turning to his colleague)
Alright... Fine! Come on then, Shy... Podcasters unite!
SHY: (trying to sound enthusiastic)
TALLY-HO! Is that right?
TOPPIE: (in agreement)
Sounds right, yes...
THE TWO OF THEM APPROACH THE JELLY, WHICH SHY NOTES IS NOT MOVING QUITE AS BUSILY AS IT WAS DOING EARLIER - IT APPEARS TO HAVE EATEN MOST OF THE FOOD ON THE TABLE AND IS PERHAPS PAUSING FOR A REST...
(hopefully) Do you think it's full?
SHY: (nervous/hopeful)
I'm not sure - start recording and maybe it'll tell us...
TOPPIE: (alarmed/amazed)
Do you actually think it will speak?
SHY: (with a slight smile)
If it knows what's good for it, it will... Okay, have you got the recorder started?
TOPPIE: (with a professional politeness)
Alright, go ahead, I'm now recording...
SHY: (using his best radio voice)
Okay... Okay, then... (moving slowly forwards, unsure quite how to begin the conversation) Hello... Sir... Might I just have a word?
THE TRIFLE MONSTER CONTINUES TO JUST LAY THERE, UNMOVING, ON THE TABLE AND SO SHY STEPS EVEN CLOSER... THE WHOLE ROOM IS SILENT AND THE GUESTS WATCH WITH A MIXTURE OF EXCITEMENT AND FEAR TO SEE WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN NEXT...
TOPPIE: (chipping in a comment)
We just wondered if you might like to give us a statement, sir... We're podcasters...
SHY: (trying to sound as normal as possible)
Between us we have quite a large audience - I mention that only on the off-chance that you have something that you'd like to promote...
TOPPIE: (whispers)
Do you think that thing might have a new album out or something?
SHY: (whispering in response)
You can't use the word "thing", Toppie... It might be offended!!
TOPPIE: (exasperated)
Until we find out what it actually is, then what exactly am I supposed to call it? I can't say he - I can't say she - to call it and IT is as bad as calling it a thing...
SHY: (conceding how frustrating the whole matter is)
Oh, good point - I don't know... It doesn't say much, does it?
TOPPIE: (confused)
How do we know if it's looking at us? Or is it simply ignoring us, do you think?
SHY: (lowers his voice again)
I wonder if it even understands English... It might just be sulking...
TOPPIE IS ABOUT TO ADD SOMETHING WHEN SUDDENLY THE TRIFLE CREATURE REARS UP - RISING UP FROM THE TABLE UNTIL IT TOWERS ABOVE THEM BOTH... FOR A MOMENT IT HANGS THERE IN MID-AIR, BUT THEN SHOCKINGLY IT LETS OUT A LOUD BELCH AND THEN DROPS - COMPLETELY ENVELOPING SHY YETI, LEAVING A MESSY TOWER OF JELLY, CUSTARD, FRUIT, CREAM, SPONGE FINGERS, GLACE CHERRIES AND HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS. THE CROWD LETS AT AN ENORMOUS GASP - THE TRIFLE WRIGGLES AND WRIGGLES AND THEN LETS OUT A LOUD FARTING NOISE - TOPPIE JUMPS BACK AND AS HE DOES HE FALLS OVER HECTOR...
HECTOR: (hysterically)
WHAT'S HAPPENING!?! WHAT'S HAPPENING!?!
TOPPIE: (equally as hysterically)
I DON'T KNOW!! I DON'T KNOW!!
HECTOR: (bewildered)
IT'S EATEN HIM!!
TOPPIE: (hopeful, but unsure)
NO! NO, IT HASN'T...
HECTOR: (confused)
OKAY, THEN WHAT HAS HAPPENED!?
TOPPIE: (floundering)
I DON'T KNOW!!!
HECTOR: (aghast)
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!
TOPPIE:
I STILL DON'T KNOW!!
SHY: (his voice emerging as if from nowhere)
It's okay, guys... I'm fine... I'm here... I'm alright...
TOPPIE: (overjoyed/relieved)
YETI!?! IS THAT YOU!?!
HECTOR: (also relieved)
Is that your friend? It certainly sounds like him!
TOPPIE: (slightly bamboozled)
Yes! Yes! It IS him... But where is he?
HECTOR: (surprised)
His voice came from inside that... that... thing...
TOPPIE: (mutters, then more directly)
Don't say thing... But okay... Are you sure?
SHY: (politely)
Hector's right... I'm inside this thing... It's really rather revolting... Is there any chance that you can help me out?
TOPPIE: (uncertain)
Eww! You mean actually touching that thing? Is it safe!?! Won't it be cross?
HECTOR: (poking it gently with a pencil)
It's not moving like it was before... I think... Well, it looks dead...
TOPPIE: (delicately)
You're not wrong... Still... Be careful! Shy... I think you might have killed the trifle monster...
SHY: (wary)
Maybe... Although I'm not convinced that it was ever truly alive... I think something might have bewitched it... Don't ask me why or who did it - I have no idea...
TOPPIE: (lowering his voice, looking around them)
Tolstoy! It must be his work - or one of his people, at least...
SHY: (curious)
Maybe... Would that cat have the ability to do something like that? To bewitch a trifle!?
TOPPIE: (unconfidently confident)
I'd say so...
SHY: (still on the ground amongst the goo)
Well, maybe... Hey! Look! Come on now guys - somebody give me a hand, won't you?
THE OTHER TWO DON'T LOOK EXACTLY ENAMOURED BY THE IDEA - BUT THEY DO...
TOPPIE: (smirking)
I dunno, yeti - this really is a sticky situation that you've got yourself into here...
THERE ARE LOTS OF HORRIBLE SQUELCHING NOISES - BUT IT ISN'T AS EASY AS ONE WOULD HAVE EXPECTED TO GET SHY UPRIGHT... TOPPIE AND HECTOR END UP BEING SUCKED INTO THE JELLY TOO AND A FOOD FIGHT ENSUES... ALL THE GUESTS PILE IN AND WE LEAVE EVENTS AS JELLY FLIES THROUGH THE AIR... UP IN A NEARBY TREE A PAIR OF EYES WATCH WHAT IS GOING ON - IT IS A CAT, BUT NOT NECESSARILY TOLSTOY - ONE WOULD ALMOST SWEAR THAT THE CAT WAS SMILING... SMILING AND PLOTTING ANOTHER MOMENT OF MISCHIEF... ALL OF A SUDDEN TOPPIE STOPS FLINGING TRIFLE ABOUT AND A STRANGE LOOK APPEARS ON HIS FACE - SHY NOTICES AND CALLS OUT TO HIM FROM BENEATH HIS SHAGGY MANE OF CUSTARD-COATED FUR...
SHY: (concerned)
Toppie? What's wrong? You've not inhaled a glacé cherry or something, have you?
TOPPIE: (distracted)
No... No, I haven't... I think you're right though...
SHY: (confused)
Right about what?
TOPPIE: (excited)
About my memory coming back... A big chunk of it has just coming flooding back...
SHY: (enthused)
Oh! Wow! That's marvellous...
TOPPIE: (worried)
Hmm... I'm not so sure... Oh no... Oh dear... No. No. No. I don't like this at all...
SHY: (hurrying over)
Toppie!? What is it? What's wrong...
TOPPIE: (lowering his voice)
Oh dear... Oh Yeti... If my memory isn't playing tricks on me then I think something really bad happened to me just before I was kidnapped... Something... Unspeakable...
SHY IS LOST FOR WORDS AND TOPPIE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT BE ABOUT TO RUN AWAY - BUT THEN SUDDENLY HE BENDS DOWN, COLLECTS UP SOME MORE CUSTARD AND FLINGS IT STRAIGHT AT HIS FRIEND THE YETI... SHY IS SHOCKED, BUT THROWS A MESS OF CREAM BACK AT HIM... THE FOOD FIGHT CONTINUES, BUT THIS TIME WITH A SLIGHTLY LESS JUBILANT ATMOSPHERE... MEANWHILE, THE CAT IN THE TREE IS GONE...
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.
