Wednesday, August 19, 2020

FINISHING WITH JULY AND HEADING INTO AUGUST...

WE ALSO HAVE A SCRIPT!

Hello beasties!

This time we're going to be talking new podcast episodes - but we also have a script which was written for an episode that we released a month or so back...

First up though, let's look at some more recent editions of the show...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 358:
YETI HUNT U.S.A. AND OTHER TALL TALES!

Here we are for episode 358 and this time Cuthbert returns to the archives to explore Mr Yeti's 2nd invasion of America in 2011! We hear some of the best moments from the 8 episodes of YETI HUNT USA which he recorded between August and November 2011 - with a few select moments from Paul's LIVE shows in both the UK and US during this time! We also get some comments from some of the regulars and here some anecdotes from Mr Yeti himself. Thank you to all those involved with the making of these SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos back in the day. Our next episode, #359 sees us joining Paul for our LIVE Pride48 show for July 2020 - it's going to be a fact-filled show! Who will be in the chat-room? Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 358 was recorded between the 18th and 20th of July 2020.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

358: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-358-yeti-hunt-usa-and-other-tall-tales

Poems and short prose that appear in this episode:

COMING INTO LAND
ARE WE THERE, YETI!?
PIE CRIMES
RATTLESNAKES
LAID
LEGGY BLONDE
THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR
INVITE A YETI ROUND FOR TEA
I SHOULD NEVER
UNCLE BEAR
A DISORGANISED LIBRARY IS A VERY BAD THING
DOLPHINS CAN BE SOCIABLE
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DIVA
HALLOWEEN DON'T PAY THE RENT!
VAMPIRES, SUCH CHARMERS!
PEACE OF MIND IN A TEABAG
ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES
A YETI HISTORY LESSON OF HOLLYWOOD

Links to the videos of the youtube videos featured in this episode:

YETI HUNT USA - Pt 1:     https://youtu.be/EvSxLBsGYFo
YETI HUNT USA - Pt 2:     https://youtu.be/_29LIt0C0KQ
YETI HUNT USA - Pt 3:     https://youtu.be/Wa5JcEK0d0g
YETI HUNT USA - Pt 4:     https://youtu.be/JChPvtMaUlc
YETI HUNT USA - Pt 5:     https://youtu.be/srwyvP0pHlg
YETI HUNT USA - Pt 6:     https://youtu.be/erTy_GoJMR8
YETI HUNT USA - Pt 7:     https://youtu.be/_E7AMrSHFzc
YETI HUNT USA - Pt 8:     https://youtu.be/97-ITgSlZTs
LOST HOLLYWOOD:        https://youtu.be/xDwOIEGyJ8A

Next up - we have another live episode - this time it's our LIVE Pride48 show for July 2020.

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 359:
LIVE PRIDE48 SHOW - JULY 2020

Here we are for episode 359! This time on the show we present our LIVE show for Pride48 and this time we're full of all manner of 60s movie and pop trivia; not to mention loads of weird facts and another quiz! Adam from Foul Monkeys also calls in about his new neighbour and the chat-room help him out with suggestions for a house-warming gift. We also have extra material with Calum and some more Sutton Park from Boxing Day 1998! Our next episode, #360 sees us discussing some recent new vintage vinyl purchases during our lock-down quarantine. Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 359 was recorded on Saturday 18th July 2020, with extra material from across the ages!

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

359: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-359-live-pride48-show-july-2020

As mentioned before - our next episode is all about some of my recent vinyl purchases!


THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 360:

SHY YETI'S OLD VINYL CURIOSITY SHOP...

Here we are for episode 360! This time Paul is extremely mysterious about some new/old vinyl that he has bought and expects us to guess what it is... Some of it is really quite obscure; even Deeley is perplexed. We also share some Sutton Park from 1994 which concerns Horner the Amphibian Man having to rush home from a pleasant walk when his friend Glenis The Dinosaur goes into labour unexpectedly; will he and Paul be able to help with the birth!? Back to the main episode and the regulars are also involved and Ikk has been up all night banging... Our next episode, #361 sees us discussing the big pop hits of 1992! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti, Harry F and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 360 was recorded on the 19th July 2020 and the Sutton Park clips are from episodes 465 and 466. Cuthbert The Robot made his cameo on 27th July 2020 and appears courtesy of Beeches Broadcasting.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

360: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-360-shy-yetis-old-vinyl-curiosity-shop

Next up we're still on the subject of music - this time it's the big hits of 1992 in both the UK and US.

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 361:
SMILE! I LOVE YOUR... BIG HITS OF 1992!

Here we are for episode 361! This time Paul and Nick discuss the hit songs of 1992 on both sides of the pond... We also discuss what we were up to in our own lives that year - it was a pretty busy one for both of us! Deeley also makes his presence known and the regulars make comment; Ikk also has a go with singing some of the hits too. Our next episode, #362 sees us enthusing about a busy month of podcasting ahead by looking back to some previous summers in Yeti-land. Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 361 was recorded on the 18th and 19th April 2020.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

361: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-361-smile-i-love-your-big-hits-of-1992

Our last episode for this post and the last episode of July 2020 was this little stunner...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 362:
SHY YETI'S SEA-SIDE SHUFFLE... AND MORE!

Here we are for episode 362! This time on the show Paul and Cuthbert get into a summery mood by sharing some clips from old Shy Yeti On Location videos that Mr Yeti made back in 2012... There is plenty of chat, some silliness, a bit of singing, some poems and even a spot of banjo-playing! Thank you to all those who helped with the original SHY YETI ON LOCATION episodes, especially DM and Dan H. Our next episode, #363 sees us dragged into another one of Yeti Uncle John's dodgy deals! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti, Dan H and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 362 was recorded between the 27th and 29th July 2020.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

362: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-362-shy-yetis-sea-side-shuffle-and-more

Poems that appear in this episode include:

YETI SPAGHETTI (LIVE-EXTRACT)
IS IT CHRISTMAS ALREADY!?
ONCE I LOST MY HEART TO A CORNISH PASTY (SPOOF FOLK SONG)
SWEATY YETI
JOHN, I ONLY RHYMING... (LIVE-EXTRACT)
THEY DON'T RHYME THEIR POEMS IN L.A.
A LITTLE MOUSE (LIVE)
A NATIONAL TREASURE
SOMETHING'S UP WITH ROCKY LOBSTER
I AM SICK (BUT DO I WANT TO BE CURED?)
MIST YOU
AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
AUTUMN'S COMING
A WAKE-UP CALL...
REVOLUTION ON THE 8.15
KISS ME QUICK
JEALOUSY DID HIM NO GOOD
POLITELY ENRAGED
BRITISH SUMMERTIME IS HERE

The SHY YETI ON LOCATION material featured in this episode comes from:

SHY YETI'S SEA-SIDE SHUFFLE (TRAILER) 

SHY YETI'S SEA-SIDE SHUFFLE - PT 1 

SHY YETI'S SEA-SIDE SHUFFLE - PT 2 

SHY YETI LIVE FROM BROADSTAIRS! 

SHY YETI BOTTLES SUMMER - PT 1 

SHY YETI BOTTLES SUMMER - PT 2 

SHY YETI'S BEST OF BRITISH - PT 1 

SHY YETI'S BEST OF BRITISH - PT 2 

Next up we get dragged into another one of Yeti Uncle John's dodgy deals...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 363:
YETI UNCLE JOHN'S EVER-SO DODGY DEAL!

Here we are for episode 363! This time on the show Yeti Uncle John is reduced to selling rare unused recordings from old episodes of The Shy Life Podcast! Shy Yeti is far from pleased... We also have previously unheard Sutton Park material (#81-#82) from May 1993 and number of other clips and out-takes from recent episodes - with all manner of special guests. Many thanks to all involved especially Toppie Smellie who recorded specific scenes for this edition! Our next episode, #364 sees Nick and Paul catching up again to share their 3rd book-club episode! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Special effects by Shy Yeti and Soundbible. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 363 was recorded on the 22nd July 2020 - with most clips recorded during Summer 2020 and one small additional recording made on the 3rd August 2020.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

363: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-363-yeti-uncle-johns-ever-so-dodgy-deal

Next up, Nick and Paul have join up for their third book club...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 364:
SHY YETI'S VERY THIRD BOOK CLUB!!!

Here we are for episode 364! This time on the show Paul and Nick discuss some more interesting books in their collections; each taking a theme of their own! Paul looks at some recent old books that he has purchased, whilst Nick discusses Dr Who Target Novels from the 70s and 80s!!! Our next episode, #365 sees us catching up with two returning guests who were once both co-hosts of one of Mr Yeti's favourite little shows on Pride48... Who can they be? Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 364 was recorded on Saturday 13th June 2020.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

364: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-364-shy-yetis-very-third-book-club

This time on the show we have two returning guests - formerly of the LOTSL little show, Wes Stone and Jay The Hauntcub...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 365:
SHY YETI'S TELLY TREASURES... WITH JAY AND WES!

Here we are for episode 365! Paul catches up with two former guests - one of them is Jay The Hauntcub who we've spoken to a number of times and the other is Dr Wesley Stone who we've not spoken to here in over two years... We mainly talk about what TV we've been watching over lock-down - shows both old and new; the regulars also have a few words to say too. Our next episode, #366 sees us looking forward to see what may lay in store for THE SHY LIFE PODCAST as it hits episode ONE BILLION!! Do join us, won't you?! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 365 was recorded on Sunday 2nd August 2020, with flashbacks to previous SLP episodes featuring our guests from 2016 and 2018.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

365: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-365-shy-yetis-telly-treasures-with-jay-and-wes

Next up we head into the far future to see what our little show will look like by episode ONE BILLION!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 366:
A FLASH-FORWARD TO EPISODE ONE BILLION!!

Here we are for episode 366! This time we look forward a year or two... or three... to see how things look for The Shy Life Podcast as we hit episode One Billion; in fact we consider a number of possible scenarios for where the show might go. Things are more advanced - but all the gang are still on board... pretty much! We also have some poems - Sutton Park clips from late 1994 and a quiz with our special guest, Calum. Thanks also to Dr Wesley Stone, Jay The Hauntcub, FM Adam and Toppie Smellie for their contributions. Don't forget - old episodes of SHY YETI ON LOCATION and clips from Sutton Park can be found at MRSHYYETI on Youtube. Our next episode, #367 sees us heading onto both Zoom AND Skype to catch up with friends of the show on this month's call! Do join us if you can! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti, Harry F and Luca. All other content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 366 was recorded on Sunday 2nd August 2020 - the robots recorded their scenes between the 12th and 14th of August 2020, whilst the quiz was recorded on the 26th June 2020.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

366: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-366-a-flash-forward-to-episode-one-billion

The poems in this episode were originally recorded for the SHY YETI ON LOCATION video A YETI IN BRUSSELS, which can be found at the following link: https://youtu.be/pE3axePNMRQ

The poems are available in many of Paul's poetry collections - their titles were: 

GOOD HUG
HERBAL TEA-BAGS
UNFULFILLED
INSTRUCTIONS TO LIFE

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 367:
SHY YETI'S LIVE-CHAT - AUGUST 2020

Here we are for episode 367! This time Mister Yeti struggles to go live with some of his Zoom (and Skype!) guests for August 2020! Thanks also to Andrew, Lisa, Warren and Martin H for their contributions. This episode also contains clips from old editions of The Shy Life Podcast - specifically episodes 94, 95 and 96 from July 2017, episodes 157 and 158 from March/April 2018 and 199 and 200 from October 2018! Our next episode, #368 sees us heading to the Isle Of Wight (back in 2019!) to solve a mystery concerning a long-lost friend; it's a long episode too - so we're calling it our Summer Special! Do join us if you can! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All other content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020. Episode 367 was recorded on Friday 14th August 2020 - there is also a Sutton Park clip which follows on from the one in episode #366 - from late 1994.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

367: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-367-shy-yetis-live-chat-august-2020

Before we move onto our special script - here are some of the episodes that we have in store for you over the next few months?!?

SHY LIFE PODCAST SHOWS...
COMING SOON!!

August is here and we have lots of new episodes in the pipe-line! Our schedule list does tend to change every time I post, but right about now this is a pretty good guide to the episodes that we are hoping to release over the next few months; not to forget our monthly LIVE shows on Zoom and Pride48! Anyway - take a look at what else we have in store...

** - episode completely recorded
(**) - episode mostly or partially recorded
All other episodes mentioned here have not yet been recorded, yet are planned.

Anyway, here is our current schedule!

** 368. Whatever Happened To Dusty The Scone-eating Dandelion?

We head back exactly a year to June 2019 as Paul and company head to the Isle Of Wight in search of a long-lost friend called Dusty! It's also Calum's birthday!!

This will be edited between 16-21 August 2020

** 369. Paul And Martin's Big 1960s HIT Hour... And A Bit!

Paul and Martin discuss some of the big hits from the years 1962 and 1963 in the UK and  USA!

This will be edited between 21-25 August 2020

** 370. Shy Yeti Gets Some Air...

Paul and the gang decide to take some fresh air during the summer months of Quarantine of 2020

This will be edited between 25-28 August 2020

371. Live Pride48 Show - August 2020

More complete silliness LIVE on Pride48!

There may not be a Pride48 show this month - but we are yet to decide.

(**) 372. Shy Yeti Peeks Outside Again!

Paul and the gang head outside during their rather more lock-down summer holiday!

This will be edited late August 2020

(**) 373. Brother Interviews Sister!

Nick heads out on location to record a music chat with his sister and brother-in-law!

** 374. Shy Yeti Reveals All... EVERY Last Bit!

Paul and the gang take part in a charitable event which involves them having to disrobe LIVE on audio!

** 375. Behind The Scenes - Fiction Within Fiction!

Paul looks back at how he used to film Sutton Park behind the scenes on some of Nick's films - with clips from both Tide Of Freedom and Evil Trophy and the equally as dramatic Sutton Park episodes recorded during these productions.

376. Shy Yeti's Miscellanenous Dittiness!

Cuthbert goes back into the archives to explore more select nuggets from some of Paul's poetry videos!

(**) 377. Charlie Grrr and The Pie With The Pastry Plumage!

Charlie relates the tale of the pie with the pastry plumage... Not everyone is impressed!
(This episode is currently incomplete - although partially recorded)

(**) 378. The Truth About Deeley Cat!

When Ikk obtains some new equipment, Paul learns a shocking truth about Deeley's true identity!
(This episode is currently incomplete - although partially recorded)

** 379. Shy Yeti And The Big Pop Hits Of 1975...

Paul and Nick discuss the big hits of 1975 on both sides of the pond!

** 380. Shy Yeti And The Hit Songs Of 1993...

Paul and Nick discuss the big hits of 1993 on both sides of the pond!

(**) 381. A Surprise Visitor Hits Pickle Hollow!

Paul and Toppie discuss news of interest to SLP listeners that has recently occurred in Pickle Hollow!

382. Shy Yeti (Accidentally) Steals A Space-ship!

Paul and Trowby accidentally steal Ikk's space-ship whilst trying to look for spare-parts!

383. The New Caretaker / "Where's Me Booook!?"

With Toby busy with work and Paul spending all hours editing podcasts, things have gotten a little untidy during lock-down and so Bettina gives Paul the details of a caretaker who used to work on her Estate... It seems like a good idea until it becomes evident that this gentleman swings from being extremely lazy to shovelling every last thing into a bin bag... What ever will happen when he reaches the basement and finds all the tat in Cromitty's laboratory; what will happen to all those priceless Sutton Park tapes? For that matter will Cuthbert make it through the night!?!

384. The Continuing Mysteries Of Ethel The Landlady!

Mr T has found more evidence concerning Ethel The Landlady... Might it finally be time to ask Ikk to return us to 1992 so that we can speak with the lady herself!?

385. Shy Yeti: European Poet Super-star! *rolls eyes*

Paul and Cuthbert share clips from some of Mr Yeti's Shy Yeti On Location that were recorded all over Europe - in Germany, Italy and France to name but three of the countries!

386. The Revenge Of Robot Big Fatty!

The inner personality of Robot Big Fatty returns to cause us much concern!

387. Ikk's Extra Super Special Day Out!

Ikk fixes his space ship and offers to take the regulars on a trip - will Paul regret not going!

388. Haunt-club And The Eight-legged Chatterbox!

During A Visit Jay and Ikk are able to communicate with Jay's eight-legged family member... but that is just the beginning of the surprise! (He is also good at quizzes!!) Ikk also arranges for Jay to achieve one of his greatest wishes - to meet a real living dinosaur! What on earth could go wrong?

** 389. Paul And Nick's Perfect Day!

Paul and Nick consider some of the activities that would make up a perfect day together!

** 390. Shy Yeti's First And Last!!

Paul and Nick cast their minds back to some personal first and lasts!

** 391. Shy Yeti's 4th Book-club!

Paul and Nick discuss some of their favourite books - including some vintage 1970s pop music annuals!

** 392. Look-in With Paul and Nick! (Book-club 5)

Paul and Nick discuss a famous comic series "Look-in" from the 70s and 80s...

** 393. Nick's Very Special Ray Phase Shift Episode!

Nick tells us all about his Dr Who tape-zine RPS which he ran in the late 80s into the 90s.

394. Bettina and the robot butler

This episode sees Paul visiting Bettina only to find out that the house has recently become robotically automated.

395. The Hidden Truth Of The Shy Life Podcast!

We answer listeners questions about The Shy Life Podcast? Will we ever learn who pushed Zap down the stairs in episode 200 or what happened to Dameus in episode 300? Probably not. Meanwhile there is a difference of opinion on what the "will of the listeners" is on the future of the show.

396. Long Lost Cousin Algernon And The Very Big Revelation!

Paul learns some rather disturbing things about what Long Lost Cousin Algernon has been up to whilst helping Bettina out with her charity... but there are even bigger revelations in store!

(**) 397. Shy Yeti's Possibly Lost Virtual Reality Episode!

An episode made out of bits and bobs and possibly a lost episode about virtual reality from 2018!

### Additionally:

There will - most probably - be live shows every month; but we also have plenty of other episodes either in planning or partially recorded. 

### Episode 400!

A returning star and an explosive evening!

### Guest Residencies Around Episode 400!

Mr Trowbridge and Jay The Hauntcub will be joining us for residencies on the show. They will both be working with Ikk on projects and Lisa and Aragog the spider will also feature heavily!

### You'd Be A Fool To Ban Easter!

This episode is sort of April Fool and Easter-related! 

(This show was postponed and is currently incomplete either released next year or as a lost episode.)

### The Lost Tapes Of Dameus The Interviewer

Paul and the gang use some lost interview tapes of Dameus interviewing podcasting celebrities to help remind the mysterious August Evans of his true identity...

### Shy Yeti And The Shame Inspectors

Shy Yeti gets more than he expects when he receives a visit from Isaac and Declan from That's A Shame podcast - they are constantly on the lookout for Shame sources - but this time they have Paul in their sights!

** ### The First Last Shy Life Podcast Episode

This is the last episode of The Shy Life Podcast episode... or is it? 
(Recorded in July 2019 - but not scheduled for release, as yet)

### The Second Last Shy Life Podcast Episode

This is our Second attempt at a last episode of The Shy Life Podcast... Might it be real this time!?


Next time we have a special blog full of photos from behind the scenes of episode 368 - which is our summer special for 2020; although it was actually mostly recorded in June 2019...

That's all for now - except for our script - which was originally written for episode 345: GORDON THE CRYPTKEEPER - IN NEED!

Take care - more soon, Yeti hugs, Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 
ANOTHER CRYPTKEEPER SCRIPT

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TROWBY AND LISA...


SCENE ONE:

Yeti: (brightly)

Hello listeners! I'm catching up with a friend of the show today... Gordon! You remember Gordon, right? Yeah... Well, I don't like to say that he's fallen on hard times - but... well... he's found himself forced into considering a career change and I'm not sure that it's working out for him! As I say, I expect you remember him - He used to be a crypt-keeper - all sinister hooded robes and the biggest scythe you've ever seen; I'm amazed that health and safety never said anything... Still - I really want to help him... I've had a word with an old friend who runs an employment agency and I'm about to have a chat with Gordon himself right about now; come on - come with me and listen in... It's okay...

Gordon: (jovially)

Howdy, yeti! How are you doing?

Yeti: (concerned)

Good! Good... I'm more worried about you, though... How ever did you lose your job?

Gordon: (with sadness)

Oh... I was out-sourced, yeti... I've been replaced - probably by a robot...

Yeti:

Not Cuthbert, I trust?

Gordon: (quick to correct him)

Oh no... Cuthbert would never have allowed it - he's quite the gentleman...

Yeti: (approving)

Isn't he just; you're not wrong... So, what happened? No more crypt-keepers? Don't people die any more?

Gordon: (sounding a bit judge-y)

They do - but apparently it's too triggering for Millennials; they don't like to think about it...

Yeti: (trying to be helpful)

Poor them... I mean, I admit it's a little bit scary you wearing that cloak and everything - perhaps it's just an image thing; couldn't you maybe brighten up the whole crypt-keeper act somehow?

Gordon: (slightly taken-a-back)

I wouldn't call it an act exactly...

Yeti: (apologetically)

Sorry... You know what I mean...

Gordon: (with regret)

I do, but anyway - it's not up to me... The job is gone... Kaput. Nothing.

Yeti: (outraged)

Gosh. Well, that's shocking. SHOCKING, I say... Well, it does no good to fret about things - it doesn't help you pay the bills now, does it? What does Dolly say about it all? Is she still your boss or your agent or - I've completely forgotten what her job title even was...

Gordon: (brightly)

Ah... Well... That's convenient because, actually, so have I...

Yeti: (curious)

But does she still - represent you - for want of a better phrase...

Gordon: (somewhat vaguely)

It's all in the air, I'm afraid - or should I say SHE IS...

Yeti: (confused)

I'm not sure I get you... Dolly's in the air? Is she on a plane somewhere?

Gordon:

I think it's a phoenix... Either a phoenix or a carpet... She's visiting family... She's been gone for several weeks though and there doesn't seem to be any way of contacting her!

Yeti:

You can't phone? Email? Send a fax or even a carrier pigeon?

Gordon:

Apparently not, yeti...

Yeti:

Well, this is appalling and partly why I've shown up! To help you out!

Gordon:

I'm grateful yeti - I really am... I know you're very busy recording and editing podcasts...

Yeti:

That I am; but never too busy to help!

Gordon:

You're a saint, yeti - an absolute saint...

Yeti:

Sure... Sure... So... If you're not going to be a crypt-keeper any more have you had any thoughts about what you might like to do instead?

Gordon:

Well... Not really... My mother always wanted me to be a hairdresser - but I used to have nightmares about the loose little bits of hair going up my nose; that and for safety's sake I won't go anywhere near anything more hazardous than a pair of safety scissors which sadly aren't any use when you're trying to give someone one of those new-fangled bee-hive hairdos...

Yeti:

Well, yes - quite; all quite reasonable concerns. Would you still be interested in hairdressing, do you think?

Gordon:

Probably not! Mother sort of scared me out of the idea - so much so that I think I developed a phobia!

Yeti:

I hear you on that one - after all - us yeti are known for our over-furriness... I don't really approve of de-fur-estation...

Gordon:

I get that - and it really does suits you and all of your yeti-kind...

Yeti:

Well obviously, I think so, yes - but sadly not everyone agrees...

Gordon:

Haters gonna hate, yeti...

Yeti:

Aren't they just... Anyway... Let's get our thinking caps on and get some ideas for your new career!

Gordon:

Well, I'm very grateful - I hope you realise that, yeti... What are your suggestions?

Yeti: (sounding slightly unsure)

Well, I did wonder if you could possibly make it as either a clown or a children's party entertainer; only maybe you'd have to wear a different costume - is this something that you're prepared to do?

Gordon:

Dump the hoody, do you mean?

Yeti:

Well, yes... I think you'd need to dress appropriately for the job...

Gordon: (nervously)

I'm really not sure about it, you know - I'm so used to hiding under my hood! To be honest, yeti - how do they say it now - oh yes, I've got a face for radio...

Yeti: (with encouragement)

Bless... I don't agree - but I'll take your concerns into consideration... Maybe you'd like to work at some kind of factory where you'd need to wear a protective suit!

Gordon:

I guess it's an option - although it's not something that I'd really thought that much about, I must admit! I guess it would solve one or two of my issues though - or should I say other people's issues that they might have about me!

Yeti:

Yes, indeed - well said... Anyway - I have a number of ideas for you - but rather than just talk about it - I think it makes sense to take you out and about for a walk... We're going to visit some friends of mine who have agreed to consider you for employment; or at least give you some ideas for potential places to work...

Gordon: (very pleased)

Really!?! Well, that's very kind of you, Mr Yeti...

Yeti: (encouraging)

Come along, Gordon... Let's see what we can do to help...


SCENE TWO:

Paul:

Hello listeners... We're down in the laboratory - where Cromitty and Martin keep all the archives for the show... Cromitty thought that it would actually be quite a nice idea to do some... err... well, we can't pay him, you see - so this would be a sort of experiment; unpaid work experience, if you like - to see if he'd enjoy this kind of work... Listen in - Cromitty is just showing him the ropes...

Cromitty:

Hello, Gordon... So nice to meet you...

Gordon:

Very pleased to meet you too, Cromitty... sir...

Cromitty:

It's fine... We are very casual here - you may call me by my christian name...

Martin:

It's Susan, in case you didn't know...

Gordon:

Oh... I don't think I knew that, no...

Cromitty:

Don't listen to him Gordon... My colleague, Martin, here - enjoys a prank... Shh, please - Martin - I'm just trying to help introduce Gordon to the laboratory...

Gordon:

A trickster, aye... I used to live next door to a poltergeist who was the biggest trickster that you ever did meet...

Cromitty:

My goodness... What kind of things did he do?

Gordon:

Jumped out on old ladies - whispered alarming rumours in the ears of small school children...

Martin:

That doesn't sound very nice...

Gordon:

I know - I agree... I said to him once - I said to him... Henry... Why don't you turn your pranks on people who deserve teasing - bad people - selfish people - bullies...

Martin:

And did he?

Gordon:

I'm afraid he didn't no...

Martin:

Did you have him exorcised?

Gordon:

No... But I did send a TV crew around his house to make a ghostly TV reality show and one way or another that kept him busy. The last thing I heard he'd hooked up with the ghost of a former 60s "It Girl" and they were releasing a single... It do believe it got to number one... somewhere!

Cromitty:

Hmm... I'm not sure what lessons we are supposed to have learnt from a story such as that...

Martin:

You're sending mixed messages by rewarding those who treat people poorly.

Gordon:

You're probably right - but what can I say - it happened... Experience is a great teacher...

Cromitty:

Anyway... we have things for you to do... First you'll need to move some papers from that work bench and then you'll have some space...

Gordon:

Very well... You do have a lot of clutter down here, don't you? I'm surprised!

Cromitty: (somewhat indignantly)

Ah! It is a sign of an active mind, I'll have you know!

Gordon:

Yes! Yes! Of course... (we hear noises as he begins shuffling stuff around) Oh... Dear...

Cromitty:

What's going on over there?

Gordon: (awkwardly)

I'm awfully sorry... But I just picked up a pile of your papers and they blackened like ash and disintegrated...

Cromitty:

Good grief! Oh dear... That isn't meant to happen!

Gordon: (sounding awkwardly busy, as if unconcerned)

Oh well! I'm sure it's nothing to worry about... Would you like me to help arrange the old Sutton Park tapes next?

Cromitty:

Err... No... No... Hold on there, Gordon - we may have to rethink this...

Gordon: (confused/surprised)

Oh... Alright...

THERE IS SOME MUSIC AND THEN WE HERE PAUL AND GORDON SPEAKING...

Paul: (delicately)

Oh dear, Gordon... I'm ever-so sorry that little plan didn't work out... It's not really your fault; it's just the way things are...

Gordon: (apologetically)

I think it's probably just a side-effect of being a crypt-keeper all these years... Can't be helped, I suppose - I do it without trying! It's just the way I am!

Paul:

Even the slightest touch of your... hand... appears to turn any paper to dust...

Gordon:

Cromitty was concerned that I might have the same effect on those old Sutton Park episodes; that would be unfortunate!

Paul:

Yes, indeed! We simply can't risk that! They truly are much too valuable to be lost in such a way...

Gordon:

So I'm told, yeti... Apologies for being such a problem...

Paul: (supportively)

No... No... Don't worry your hooded little head about it... No matter! We have another idea...

Gordon:

Another job?

Paul:

Yes! Yes... Another job... It involves working outside too!

Gordon: (with slight uncertainty)

On a building site?

Paul:

Close but no... It would involve working in a cottage garden!

Gordon:

Oh my! How exciting!


SCENE THREE:

Paul: (calmly)

Hello listeners... We're at Bettina's house - actually we're in her private garden at her house; as you know she's not very often here any more as she and Dameus are always so busy working and travelling... But, as you know - well - things have been very complicated for her since Dameus went missing at their wedding late last year... Bettina is currently back in Britain - although we've only seen her fleetingly as she's very busy with her charity work - anyway... she's keen to get the garden back into shape as Spring approaches... Gordon, have you ever met Bettina before?

Gordon:

Alas, no - but, of course, I've heard her and... Dameus on the little show on many occasions...

Paul:

Well, of course! You've probably seen Bettina in one or two films, as well - but maybe not realised it was her...

Gordon:

True! From the sounds of it I could well have seen Dameus too and not have been aware it was him... Doesn't he specialise in playing tea-kettles and hat-stands?

Paul:

He does indeed - and it wouldn't surprise me if you had seen him... Those definitely are two of the types of roles that he's best at - although he has been known to take other parts; he played a forest at least once and... I think I'm right in saying... the year 1964...

Gordon: (sounding impressed)

A very talented man; it's hard to do something like that and make it convincing...

Paul:

He is... I agree - and yet he's so very modest about his talents; daftly so! I do wish we knew what had happened to him... He's much missed...

Gordon:

It's quite a mystery from the sounds of it...

Paul:

It is - but it's probably best if we don't discuss him whilst Bettina is around - it's rather an unresolved matter right at the moment; it's still very raw experience for her...

Gordon: (sounding understanding)

Of course... Yes... Yes... Most upsetting...

Paul:

He must be out there somewhere... It baffles me... Oh well... Moving swiftly on...

Gordon: (concerned)

Mr Yeti, Sir - I just want to say one thing before I go plunging on into that lovely garden of Bettina's - I'm concerned that's all - that I might cause some... err... floral tragedy, if you get my meaning...

Paul: (delicately)

Ah! Ah yes... I do... After what almost happened down in the Sutton Park archive, right?

Gordon:

Yes... That's it... From what I can ascertain my deathly aura very nearly eroded precious footage of the Sutton Park gang chasing evil haggis about on Pepperbox Hill back in about 1997 or somesuch...

Paul:

Yes... Yes... It was a close thing - but we got to those tapes in good time... All we lost in the end was some footage of my brother playing football in the mid-90s and with the bestest intentions I'm not sure anybody is going to miss that... Sorry, Graham... You should have looked after your own tapes! It's a lesson learnt; just because you have a librarian in the family; people always take liberties!

Gordon: (surprised)

Mr Yeti! You can be so mean, sometimes...

Paul: (unusually blunt)

Well, you know - if it's not all about me then I quickly lose interest; it's the curse of podcasting, I'm afraid!

Gordon:

I guess so... So what's to stop me making these flowers wither and die?

Paul: (almost proudly)

These Gordon... These will...

Gordon: (with excitement)

A pair of gloves!

Paul:

A special pair of gardening gloves, yes - fine for a spot of weeding and pruning but alas not something that you would really be able to use when handling old video tapes...

Gordon:

Never mind - as you say - perfect for the job in hand... Shall I try them on?

Paul: (encouraging)

Please do! Please do!

Gordon: (with pleasure)

Oooh... Oh! Hmmm... Nice! These are snug! I like them, yeti - they're comfortable! Just right for the changeable and occasionally inclement autumn weather...

Paul: (relieved)

Good! Good! The flowers should be safe...

Gordon: (pondering)

I suppose I could have just used my... talents... but on the weeds...

Paul:

Well, maybe - but better safe than sorry... Come along... Let me introduce you to Bettina... I still can't remember if you've met before... Maybe at the Christmas social one year...

Gordon: (sounding slightly uncomfortable)

Ah well! I may have blanked it out... Nothing against Miss Du Pres, only Christmas can be quite problematic for me sometimes... Still, there's no need to go into that now...

Paul: (distracted)

Yes... Yes... Bettina! Bettina! Are you free for a moment...

Bettina: (her usual exuberant self)

Hello Paul, dear... Yes! Yes! Do hurry over! I'm here by the Begonias...

Paul:

Ah yes! Yes, I see you... Come along, Gordon... Bettina... I can't remember if you two have met...

Bettina:

Darling! Gordon, isn't it? How wonderful! Oh, I do love your cloak - very swishy; just the thing for this autumnal weather!

Gordon: (extra politely)

Oh yes, your madameness... You're not wrong there!

Paul:

Gordon, I explained to Bettina about some of your recent problems and she's very keen to help you back on your feet...

Bettina:

Yes, dear - very keen... I can't believe they made you redundant like that - very disrespectful...

Gordon:

Oh well... You know how it is... You just can't depend on a job for life any more - even if you are dealing with the dead...

Bettina: (disapproving)

Well, yes... It would appear that everyone aims to be immortal these days; the internet has a lot to answer for!

Paul: (sympathetic)

You're not wrong... Anyway, thanks for this Bettina... I think I know what you want Gordon to focus on today... I'll show him if you'd like...

Bettina:

Absolutely... We'll catch up later, darling... Thank you so much, Gordon... (Gordon mumbles in reply)

Paul:

Come this way, Gordon...

Gordon:

I must say - it's very nice to get the chance to work outside for a change...

Paul:

Yes... Yes... I know what you mean... I'm mostly inside working in the library - occasionally I get out for podcast recordings, but a lot of that is based inside too...

Gordon:

Well, I think I'm ready to begin! Show me the flowers that you'd like me to tend to!

Paul: (thoughtful)

Well, these roses are in desperate need for a bit of a tidying up - a few wilting leaves - some dead heading and as you say - some weeds down in the bed...

Gordon:

Oooh! Goodo! Golly... Isn't the smell lovely - quite strong... Almost a little pungent... (he breathes in)

Paul: (with growing concern)

Maybe you should wear a mask... You're not sensitive to pollen at all, are you?

Gordon: (loudly sneezing)

ATTTTISSSSSHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Paul: (trying not to sound too disappointed)

Oh... Goodness... I guess that's my answer!

Gordon: (apologetically)

Oh gosh... I think I may have killed all the roses by sneezing on them... I'm awfully sorry, yeti...

Paul: (awkwardly)

Oh, Gordon! Ah... Well, never mind... We'll buy some fake flowers - Bettina need never know...


SCENE FOUR:

Paul: (jovial)

Hello listeners... Well, as you can see - finding Gordon a new job was a lot harder than one would have imagined... I assure you that I did do my best - but we kept encountering hiccups... We're coming across the same or associated problems whatever jobs he goes for... I guess the trouble is that Gordon has simply never had a traditional job - so it's awfully hard... He did do an afternoon in a launderette that I would have told you more about, only that it all ended up very similarly to what almost happened in the archives and what unfortunately did occur in Bettina's garden... Let's just say that all my clothes now have holes in - the ones that didn't completely fall apart, I mean...

I do have good news though... Extremely good news - Gordon has managed to get his old job back; have a listen to this - he sent me a little message just this morning!

Gordon: (equally as jolly)

Hello yeti! By now you've probably already heard my good news! Yes! I'm back in employment again - back where I belong in my old job! I had a long chat with my line-manager and I was able to ascertain why exactly it was that I'd been let go! Apparently I was considered to be a little too jolly for my position - a post that is considered to be really rather serious. Obviously I understand this and support it - but I also think that there is room for a little joviality, even in my profession. Anyway - at that moment management wasn't happy with me and so they let me go - only it turned out that my successor (who was quite the opposite to me) was a problem all of her own making! In fact, she made everyone she encountered cry and that only ends up being extremely unworkable in the long run!

(he lowers his voice)

You might actually recognise my brief replacement, Miss Tilly...

Tilly: (played by Lisa who is actually Dolly in disguise)

Oi! Don't you go looking all miserable... You might be dead but there's no excuse for being unhelpful... Carry on like that and there will be no dinner for you tonight... Just think on... Think on!

Gordon: (almost whispering)

Do you recognise her? Her name's not really Tilly... It's my good friend, Dolly! I think you met her last time you came to visit, Mr Yeti...

Dolly: (pleased with herself)

It seemed only fair to give Gordon a little bit of help - those stupid bosses of his don't appreciate how much work her puts in; my little plan seems to have done the job...

Gordon: (grateful)

Thank you, Dolly - you're a diamond - you really are!

Dolly: (hopeful)

My pleasure, Gordon... Now where's that cream doughnut you promised me by way of a thank you!?

Gordon:

Ah... Yes... I did promise... Better make a move, yeti - Dolly deserves a little TLC! Goodbye now and thank you for all your help!

Paul:

Well, listeners... There you go! That's about all we've got time for... (go into usual ending spiel)


SCENE FIVE:

One of the after the titles chats - maybe the second of the two - the first can just be the regulars commenting on what they thought of the show in general...

Ikk: (enthusiastically)

Well, Paul - that was a good episode - it was so nice to have Gordon back on the show - we've not heard from in ages... I must say that I was a little worried to begin with that things were going to end badly for him - so I'm pleased that it was a happy ending...

Paul: (also jolly)

Yes! Yes! Absolutely... Oh... Look... Here he comes now... Gordon!

Gordon: (mildly concerned)

Hello! I just wanted to say goodbye to the listeners - did I miss them?

Ikk: (encouraging)

No! No! Gordon... There is still time!

Gordon: (innocently)

Oh good... I got distracted chasing some young hoodlums from weeing on a gravestone - I got my chopper out and that scared them off; they'd not seen one that big before...

Ikk:

Oh yes... Didn't you just get it sharpened too?

Gordon:

I did, yes... Dolly said that it needed a polish too - so I got it all seen to at the same time...

Paul:

Okay... Well, we really must say goodbye now...

Gordon: (delicately)

Ikk... I know that this is probably a bit cheeky, but would you ever consider taking me up into space sometime?

Ikk: (apologetically)

I'd love to dearheart - only I'd be slightly worried that you might dissolve your own space-suit - or mine for that matter. We'd have to look into it very carefully...

Paul: (with concern)

Oh blimey! That's a good point. Poor Gordon... There must be something that you wouldn't turn to dust!

Gordon: (hopeful)

Perhaps someone could invent a space suit actually made from dust in the first place - it might be the answer...

Ikk: (intrigued)

Gordon! You could be right... I'll speak to Cromitty and Cuthbert and we'll see what we can do...

Gordon: (enthused)

Marvellous! Marvellous...

Paul:

Okay guys... We've got to go - say goodbye to the listeners... Thanks for all your help this time, Gordon! Hopefully we'll record with you and Dolly again soon!

Gordon:

I do hope so! Well, goodbye now listeners...

Ikk:

Goodbye listeners! See you soon!

Paul:

Bye now - take care out there, won't you?

The idea for this script was concocted back in Autumn 2018, but I didn't get a chance to write it until 2019, between Spring 2019 and Autumn 2019.

This post and all other contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2020