ASK SHY YETI - AGAIN!!!
Hello beasties!
This week I am here to be helpful... It's not the first time - but I am always pleased to assist where my advice is sought, especially when it comes to dealing with matters regarding yeti - which is indeed the case with all the questions I have for you, this time.
Shall we get on with it?
My first question today comes from Mrs Margarita Du Bonbon of Little Snickering-On-The-Water... She explains that a cousin of hers is due to visit and will be bringing along a new boyfriend, a yeti. Her question is, as follows...
What do yeti like to eat? Do they have any big preferences?
Well, Margarita... You'll probably not be too surprised to learn that yeti aren't especially fussy and will pretty much eat anything! It would be fair to say that they do have their favourites - but they are quite predictable and I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that most of all they like pies. It is far from unheard of for them to have a savoury pie for their main course and then a sweet pie for dessert. Most people can accept that, but it's the actual flavours that some might consider either unconventional or simply plain disgusting. Savoury flavours include such specialities as Badger Snot and Toe-nail Clippings, Peanut Butter-infused Seaweed or Cream of Ear-wax D'Vole being in their top three. If you think their favourite savoury pies sound bad, then you're probably not going to approve of the sweet choices; Cherry and Duck Spit flan for one - more often than not served with weevil milk custard and sprinkle of mould on top. As for their favourite drink - there is really only one hot beverage that springs to mind and this would be Belly-button-fluff tea... Yum! Time to change the subject, I think...
Next up we have Carmen Star-fish, who is an Oceanology student at Kings College - London, Carmen poses the following question...
Do yeti have bizarre or interesting hobbies - and if so, are many of them pastry based?
Well, yes - I'm sure they do, although you may be surprised to learn that their hobbies aren't especially related to their personalities or yeti-ness. Believe it or not yeti like stamp collecting, ballroom dancing and train-spotting like everybody else. They're not, however, especially keen on football - the sheer stupidity of the game renders them speechless and I can't say I blame them. As for hobbies related to pastry, the only ones that I can think of would be baking. One of the biggest pastimes in yeti circles is a version of the game hide-and-seek - but involves yeti trying to pass themselves off as coats or rugs. It's quite a fun game - although I did once get home to find that I was wearing my friend's mother as a hat - she'd fallen asleep having drunk one too many belly-button fluff teas and I'd totally mistaken her for the head-gear that I'd arrived in. Ah well! These simple mistakes will happen from time-to-time!
Our third question comes from a retired vacuum cleaner of my acquaintance - he used to be called Henry, but since his retirement from vacuuming he now prefers to be known as Roberto The Robot - the world's one and only robot drag queen...
Is there a special yeti language that only these esteemed beasties understand and is it easy for non-yeti to learn?
This is a good one... My sources tell me yes, indeed there are - although I am embarrassed to say that I have never, personally, learnt it. The best way I could probably describe it is that this language is a little like welsh or Catalonian - not everybody who grows up there learns it or if they do they don't necessarily use it once they've moved away from the ancestral home. There are a number of official and unofficial languages - the one thing they all have in common is that they are based on a pattern of guttural growls and semi-purrs; a number of them based on similar secret languages as originally devised by a number of the most famous UK girl bands of the early to mid 00s. If you want a definitive tome on the historical variety of yeti languages, then I recommend the book
"Speak-a-da-Yeti" by Charles Grrr, published by Beeches Books in 2014 for the somewhat expensive price of £79.99, although it does come with a CD of Traditional Yeti Folk Tunes and a promotional Charlie Grrr tea towel. "Yeti" is tough to learn at the start - but once you get the basics then I think you'll quickly get the hang of it. That's what the books says, anyway.
Our previous questions have been more about yeti life-styles than actually seeking out specific advice from a yeti point of view. This fourth and final question seeks to enquire about yeti habits, but appeals to the budding agony aunt in me. Mavis Scampering of Nonsuch Park writes...
I have recently started dating a yeti, but we do not have a great deal in common. Yes - that's right, he has a "great deal" (of pies) and my family and myself are widely considered to be quite "common" manners-wise. I am worried that our differences will soon eat away at our new romance. I have considered suggesting a holiday - but am unfamiliar with the sort of destinations that yeti favour. Any advice gratefully received - as I'd hate for this new love to wither and die so soon - I'll do (almost) anything!
I thought about how to reply to this one for a while and although I like your idea of a holiday I am not sure that, in itself, it would be enough to save a sinking relationship... Yeti are notorious for their short attention spans, so don't go blaming yourself necessarily. That said, there's no harm in persevering - most yeti dream of visiting their ancient homeland, which few know is actually the Isle Of Wight... You can get there pretty quickly on the ferry from Portsmouth or Lymington, for instance, and the weather can be quite sunny if you pick a day when it isn't raining. As far as your relationship is concerned it could well be that you are pressing the abort button before you've even given the rocket a chance to fly. I don't know what you've heard about the Isle of Wight but it's hardly the South Of France - you may find that your beau and his family are far from being the rich Lords of The Manor that you make them out to be. Even if they are better off than your own family then there is no reason that you can't impress them - and equally so they need to do the same and welcome you in. If you love your yeti then you will try your hardest to make it work - if he is unable to do his share then, fair enough, move on... But if you do give it a go then for all you know, the best may be yet(I) to come!
Well, that's it for now - some reasonably sensible questions, although I'm not sure that this can be said for all of the answers. Please do send me more of your questions and I'll do my best to reply to them in a future post, probably in December...
Before we conclude I'd like to remind you that I published a new book last week - the 4th and final season of
THE BEAST OF FRIENDS, not to mention the combined Season 1 to 4 volume of the same series. The details are as follows:
THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Season 4 is the fourth and final season of the series and is made up of 4 extended scripts which concern a number of curious characters; an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Along the way we also meet a number of old foes and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! All is not well this time around - and by the end of the season one of the main characters will meet a grisly end. These scripts, written during 2014, brings us to the end of an era for The Beast Of Friends!
Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/paperback/product-22361059.html £6.99
Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/hardcover/product-22361072.html £14.99
There is also a bumper version featuring all 4 seasons in one place...
THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Seasons 1 to 4 is a compilation of all the scripts from the 4 seasons that make up the series. The scripts concern a number of curious characters; among them an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Other than these "bunch of weirdoes" we meet a number of old foes, a yeti with dubious ethics, a number of ghosts, a meddling mother and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! This is the very first time that these scripts, published between 2012 and 2015, have appeared in the same place.
Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/paperback/product-22361053.html £14.99
Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/hardcover/product-22361068.html £19.99
Moving on, but whilst I'm here, I'd like to remind you that I have a show
THIS Thursday...
Hopefully some of you will be able to make it, but I know it's a week night - so not the most convenient of times. All the same - it's the only time I'll be performing this year - but I couldn't let 12 months pass without getting the chance to read some of my ridiculous verse!
If you can't be there then my next post will be in a week or so - it will, of course, be about the show and you'll be able to read all about what happened then. Following that I'll be off to Lyon for a few days in November - taking photos, writing some nonsense and celebrating my 42nd birthday; however did I get that old!?! Actually, I feel every minute of it - I have kept pretty busy over the years, you know!
Anyway, that's it for now - more soon...
Yeti hugs,
Paul xx
P.S. I had a mini-rant on Facebook the other day about the feeling I get from the poetry scene that certain types or styles of poems are okay and some are not; with probably funny rhyming poems being at the bottom of the barrel. I got some support for what I wrote - but I do wish the issue was addressed a little more honestly, as a lot of people really enjoy the lighter material. Anyway, this is what I wrote - maybe us dafter poets need to stick together! Let's start a gang...
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015.
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TONIGHT'S SPOOKY, CREEPY, YETI SHOW...
