VAMPIRE COWS AND MICE OF COMMONS!

FINALLY - TWO NEW BOOKS RELEASED!!

Hi! This is just a quick blog to let everyone know that as of Friday 1st July I have two new books alive and kicking and ready for you to read; one of them more relevant to this particular blog than the other - although there are poems and Mouse Of Commonsy cross-overs in both books.

The first of the two books is my THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE collection, which I have been posting pieces here and performing at shows since earlier this year. Over the next week or two expect another sampler - and I am also currently working on a SHY YETI ON LOCATION video called BEWARE THE VAMPIRE COWS which should be up soon.

Here's some more information about the book...

THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE AND OTHER DAFTNESSES
304 Pages

Paperback: £8.99

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-vampire-cows-of-scunthorpe/16158464

Hardback: £13.99
http://www.lulu.com/product/hardcover/the-vampire-cows-of-scunthorpe/16161441

Download: £4.99

http://www.lulu.com/product/file-download/the-vampire-cows-of-scunthorpe/16158465

THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE is a collection of over 100 poems and weird vignettes - not to mention all the usual nonsense from Mr Yeti including the 100-word stories: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DIVA, DEAD MEN DON’T YAWN, LAID, LEGGY BLONDE, A ROARING SUCCESS and the poems THE BARD OF BELGRAVIA, L.A. LIZARDS, A LITTLE MOUSE, A MONKEY’S UNCLE, the title piece and many more.

The second book is a the new Mouse Of Commons novel that I've been working on since Summer 2007. I'm am currently working on the sequel to this book, as well as completing a book of short stories written between 2007 and 2008. More information follows...

GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE COUNTERCLOCKWISE CONUNDRUM
400 Pages

Paperback: £9.99

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/gladstone-mcwhiskers-and-the-counter-clockwise-conundrum/16123767

Hardback: £14.99
http://www.lulu.com/product/hardcover/gladstone-mcwhiskers-and-the-counter-clockwise-conundrum/16161476

Download: £4.99
http://www.lulu.com/product/file-download/gladstone-mcwhiskers-and-the-counter-clockwise-conundrum/16123768

GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE COUNTER-CLOCKWISE CONUNDRUM is the latest adventure featuring Gladstone McWhiskers, Mouse of Commons and Lords and his friends Oliver Louse, Shy Yeti, Granny Ernestina and Auntie Astrid. In this full length novel Charlie Grrr and Simon Yeti carry out a few unwise time travel experiments and end up unleashing the wrath of the legendary Bear Babok. Gladstone, Ollie and Astrid get sucked into some kind of time portal and end up in another century altogether. How will they get back and what time anomalies will their presence in the past cause to the future? This book also features a number of Auntie Astrid’s Agony Aunt columns, a photo gallery, a message from Gladstone himself and a short story about a cunning fox named Fleabag. This is the 11th Mouse Of Commons book - but can be read as part of or separately from the series.

Thanks again to everyone who has supported me lately and to all of you who buy either or both of these books; I hope you really enjoy them. Needless to say they've been very much part of my life of late and I'm extremely proud and happy with the finished book. Good 'ole http://www.lulu.com/! ;)

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

ALL KIND OF DAFTNESSES GOING DOWN IN YETI TOWN… ;)

Hi,

Just to keep you up to date with a number of things that have been going on over the last couple of weeks, some of them you may know about - whilst others may be a complete surprise… In which case it might be best that you don't read this until you have taken a seat and made yourself comfortable.

1) SOUNDCLOUD…

I mentioned a few posts back that I had begun to load poems from the albums SHY YETI FINEST HOME-BREWED VERSE (2007) and PIETRY IN MOTION (2008) onto SOUNDCLOUD. Last time I posted there were less than half a dozen; but there are a few more now. As of last week there are now 10 poems on the site - and they are:

ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/alternative-lifestyles

MY LIFE IS A MUSICAL:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/my-life-is-a-musical

THE INFATUATION DANCE:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-infatuation-dance

THE ONLY YOU THERE IS:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-only-you-there-is

BELLYBUTTON FLUFF TEA:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/belly-button-fluff-tea

WHAT BEARS DO:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/what-bears-do

ANIMAL CRUELTY:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/animal-cruelty

COLD-HEARTED KITTEN KILLER:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/cold-hearted-kitten-killer

GROOVE:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/groove

ALL GOOD PIES MUST END:
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/all-good-pies-must-end

Having used Soundcloud recently also made me think back to when I used BLOGTV quite a bit to publicise my poetry back in 2009. Although my account on that site now appears to have lapsed I really think I'd like to go back to using it again. Also - I've been thinking about doing a new compilation - another smaller one for sale at gigs and the like. It might be nice to include some of the pieces that I've recently posted on Soundcloud that haven't had a lot of exposure before, as well as some of the poems that I posted back in 2008 exclusively on Vimeo; along with some of my recent favourites. Still, what with all the other things that are going on towards of the end of the year with the 10th anniversary of JUNK/FOOD, I guess that will have to wait until 2012.

I've also discussed with Mr McCauley the possibility of me recording a new audio album of more recent poems whilst I am over in L.A. in late July and early August. Whilst I'm over there I also expect to be making my return to THE COBALT CAFE where I have been invited to be their featured reader on Tuesday 2nd August 2011; but more about that nearer the time.

2) ONLINE VIDEOS

I've posted three new videos on both Youtube and Vimeo - here are the details as they appear online...

A PERFECT MATCH

A PERFECT MATCH is a poem (of sorts - more of a sketch!) by Shy Yeti for Wood Green Animal Shelters which is due to make its live debut at The Poetry Cafe on Thursday 16th June 2011. If you would like to donate to this charity you can follow the link: http://www.justgiving.com/itgoeson/

Filmed, edited and posted single-handedly in less than 24 hours between the 14th and 15th June 2011. A PERFECT MATCH and this film is Copyright Paul Chandler 2011.

Youtube: http://youtu.be/rJqJ5cukaJk
Vimeo: http://www.vimeo.com/25155478

AN EVENING WITH SHY YETI AND OTHER ANIMALS

This is a film from the show that we held at The Poetry Cafe on Thursday 16th June 2011 which featured Paul Chandler (a.k.a. Shy Yeti), John Smallshaw and Gary Groves - all of whom appear within! Legendary superstar Wilfredo also appeared but does not feature in this particular video. The show was to raise money for Wood Green Animal Shelters - and to date we have raised over £162; although it is still possible to donate via the following link: http://www.justgiving.com/itgoeson Thank you to everyone who came to support us on the night, those who donated from afar - to all the performers, to Julie Howell for organising the event, also to Dan Hodges for filming and to Luca for allowing me to use his music.

Youtube: http://youtu.be/elRJeAeKEA8
Vimeo: http://www.vimeo.com/25376522

A YETI IN PARIS - PART 1

A YETI IN PARIS - PART 1 is the first of two episodes filmed in late April and early May 2011 in Paris and features Paul Chandler (a.k.a. Shy Yeti) and his faithful side-kick Mr Dominic McCauley as they explore the famous "City of Love"... There is lots of daftness, yeti-dancing and 3 poems - an old one called SHAKEN UP and two recent pieces; DEATH OF A GIRL BAND and THE TRUE EXTENT OF MY GENIUS from an as-yet unpublished collection. The last poem appears from footage that was recorded during Paul's AN EVENING WITH SHY YETI (AND OTHER ANIMALS...) show from Thursday 16th June 2011. Camera by: Paul, Dominic and Dan Hodges (for the gig footage) Music by: Luca. The film and its contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2011.

Youtube: http://youtu.be/VJIoPk5WFeU
Vimeo: http://www.vimeo.com/25431824

This is actually the 2nd edit of A YETI IN PARIS - PART 1; the first version had a rather different order - but the finished project appeared to have some kind of glitch and would not transfer and so I started again from scratch on Monday 20th June 2011 and whizzed through this 2nd edit, which I now actually prefer. I had considered making this a 3 part series, but I now think I'll probably just stick to 2 parts - as I have a summer special video in the pipe-line, plus will undoubtedly come back from my L.A. trip with more footage for further American episodes.

Part 2 is currently being assembled and could well be up by next week!

3) THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE - AND OTHER DAFTNESSES

I was hoping that I'd be able to announce that I'd be publishing this collection a week or two earlier - but I am just ironing out one or two little mistakes that I have found in the formatting; that aren't visible on the pdf - but have been exposed when the draft version of the book was printed. Most peculiar. Anyway - I'm hoping that I can get it all sorted this week and that I will be finalising the project this weekend in time for the book launch picnic on Saturday 2nd July 2011.

Watch this space!!

That's about it for now,

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

AN EVENING WITH SHY YETI (AND OTHER ANIMALS…)
POETRY CAFÉ, THURSDAY 16th JUNE 2011


Well, this was definitely my biggest show yet - with press releases, charity themes, videos - extra special guests and even mentions in the London press: http://londonist.com/2011/06/book-grocer-15-21-june.php

In case the link eventually ceases to work we were billed as: "Paul Chandler, John Smallshaw, Gary Groves and Wilfredo spend the evening with a shy yeti and other animals, at the Poetry Cafe (8pm)."

The guests were, as follows:

John Smallshaw

Star of BBC Radio 4's Arthur Smith's Balham Bash and the subject of a soon-to-be released documentary about his life ('A Fish Called Pythagoras').

Gary Groves

Notoriously reclusive; this is his live London debut.

Wilfredo

The boy from Granada who has become the darling of the British festival scene. Fresh from sell out performances at the Brighton Festival Fringe and London's Leicester Square Theatre. He will be performing at the Underbelly throughout the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

As far as Mr Yeti was concerned I got to be the host for the night AND read more than a dozen of my poems. A number of poems by the other performers were recorded by my cameraman: Dan Hodges - and all of my pieces were recorded in full, except for OH FLORENCE!!!

In the end the evening went as follows:

FIRST HALF
8.00-8.40pm

We began with Julie's introduction to the night and also a short discussion on the charity before moving onto my first few poems, which were as follows:

DISCO YETI
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
THE TRUE LIGHT
BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE

I started off with three of my more familiar poems - ones that I usually read at shows which I collected in my SHY YETI RULES OK compilation from 2009. BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE is one of my most recent poems from YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS which I have performed three times, so far, this year - and also included in my SHY YETI BACK IN HOLLYWOOD series.

Following these poems there were some awesome poems by John Smallshaw. More on these when we get around to posting a video from the night. It was then time for me to read a few mine of my own poems and to talk a little about the charity...

LOVE-GO ROUND
THE TRUE EXTENT OF MY GENIUS
OH, FLORENCE!!!

The first two poems here were very new and received their live debut; both of them are from my forthcoming FUNERAL FOR A SHOE collection of poems and prose that I don't expect to be published until next year. OH, FLORENCE!!! is an oldie and one of my favourites and can be found in my SHY YETI RULES OK compilation.

Following this section we had Gary Groves debut on the London scene which was really well received - before we broke for a 20 minute break.

SECOND HALF
9.00-10.10pm

Returning after the break - I read a couple of animal poems building up to the piece that I had been commissioned to write for the evening (of which there is a specially recorded video on youtube...)

LITTLE PIG
IF YOU WERE MY WIFE
MY DOG IN A DRESS
A PERFECT MATCH

LITTLE PIG and MY DOG IN A DRESS are, of course - old pieces which can be found in SHY YETI RULES OK. IF YOU WERE MY WIFE is a new one from THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE which has received a number of performances this year - whilst A PERFECT MATCH was the sketch that was especially commissioned for the night - which will eventually find its way into my FUNERAL FOR A SHOE collection next year.

There was also a video made before the night of A PERFECT MATCH: http://youtu.be/rJqJ5cukaJk filmed on location in Central London on Tuesday 14th June 2011 and posted up the following day to help attract interest in the night and the charity.

After my appearance we then had more from the fabulous John Smallshaw and then a whole lot of craziness from Wilfredo which had the audience in a near state of knicker-wetting hysteria! You think I jest! But no... Wilfredo has that affect on people... In a good way... If that's possible! ;) After Wilfredo I returned for my last four poems and a bit of plugging for YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS and my forthcoming THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE collection.

FREE COFFEE
A LITTLE MOUSE
OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER
I WILL EAT PIES

FREE COFFEE is a new piece which received it's live debut here - but which won't see the light of day until 2012 for FUNERAL FOR A SHOE collection. A LITTLE MOUSE is from my YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS book from earlier this year; whilst OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER is one that I've recently rediscovered from my 2009 collection IF POEMS WERE PIES. I had never performed it live, but really wanted to - and so I did! I WILL EAT PIES is my usual end of show piece - which can  located in my SHY YETI RULES OK compilation, also from 2009.

I was really pleased to have time to fit in 15 poems on the night - the only other two poems that I had considered reading were THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR and THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE - PT 1... but I decided to debut a few newer poems instead.

I am currently working on a video of John, Gary and I - but more about that next time...

Thank you to all who came along and supported the charity - to Calum, Harry, Glyn, Dan, Robert, Tom, Vinnie and the other dozen or so people who I didn't get a chance to meet personally on the night...

Also a very big thank you to all those who could not attend and donated from afar - to Dominic, Stacy, Lorraine, Aidan, my mum and dad, Amber, Erik, Anita, Charlotte, Yvette...

I would also like to say another thank you to John Smallshaw, Gary Groves and Wilfredo for making the night so special - and for Julie Howell for making it all possible! It would appear the the total so far for the charity is £162.10, but a number of people are yet to donate - so that total could still go up. The online donation page is still active and can be accessed at: http://www.justgiving.com/itgoeson

I'll be posting again in a day or two about my recent soundcloud posts and the unfortunate delay with the first episode of the new SHY YETI IN PARIS series (never fear, after a hiccup it is on its way!); all that - not to mention the publication of THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE…

That's about it for now...

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

AN EVENING WITH SHY YETI - AND OTHER ANIMALS....

Hello,

Yes! At last... The show that I've been hinting at for a while now...

It's called AN EVENING WITH SHY YETI - AND OTHER ANIMALS. I'll be hosting and reading some of my work and also, during the night we have performance poet GARY GROVES, Pantechnicon poet JOHN SMALLSHAW and superstar singing sensation, WILFREDO. It's at the Poetry Cafe on Thursday 16th June and it's available for booking NOW!!

If you want to come along then you'll need to book a (free) ticket via this link as spaces are limited: http://aneveningwithshyyeti.eventbrite.com/ The tickets are going to go quickly as there are only a limited number - so get busy and book yourself in, why don't you!?! *Your yeti commands you...* ;)

As far as the charity is concerned - the night is in aid of WOOD GREEN ANIMAL SHELTERS and you can either donate to the charity on the night or via the following link: http://www.justgiving.com/itgoeson/ if you are unable to attend.

You can read more about the charity at: http://www.woodgreen.org.uk/

In case you hadn't noticed you can now reach this site via our my new web address www.shyyeti.com - and I expect to be putting more information about the night, the charity and the other performers nearer the time.

Exciting, ey?!

More soon and also more news about future yeti goings (videos, books, events etc.) next time!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

SHY YETI GOES SOUNDCLOUDY!!!

Hi,

Just a quick post to say that I have just added a profile on Soundcloud - which you can find at the following link:

http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti

To date I have added 3 audio poems which were recorded in 2007 and 2008 for my SHY YETI'S FINEST BREWED VERSE and PIETRY IN MOTION albums that never really got official releases, but were given away with some copies of my books around that time.

I hope to load more poems over the next few weeks - but the ones that are currently available are, as follows:

ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/alternative-lifestyles

MY LIFE IS A MUSICAL
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/my-life-is-a-musical

THE INFATUATION DANCE
http://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-infatuation-dance

The new book THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE is now as good as completed - in fact it's first copy should currently be being printed by http://www.lulu.com/ at this very minute! Once I receive my copy then it'll be released... So watch this space!!

June is looking like a busy month - with the 16th June Poetry Cafe show - the new book - more poems on Soundcloud - not to mention (hopefully!) the next SHY YETI ON LOCATION video... I'm also hoping to go back to open-mike night at Poetry Cafe soon too!

Enjoy the Soundcloud pieces!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

A SLIGHTLY-LONGER-THAN 60 SECOND CHAT WITH SHY YETI


Here is an interview that I did recently with a Beargrrrian magazine called THE GROWL GAZETTE – they know me over there due to my dubious connection with a certain Beargrrrian superstar named Charlie Grrr. The interview is mostly about my new book - YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS. So, here’s what they asked and what I said in reply – straight from the horse’s, erm – yeti’s mouth, as it were!

Q. So, Paul - tell us about your latest book. Firstly, what’s it called?

A. Well, the title is YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS – although that wasn’t the only title it went under. During the year or so I worked on it, it went under three different names – from THE DEATH OF LOVE to LOVE HUGS AND YETI FUZZ before I finally settled on this! I needed it to sound, at least, a little menacing – as the contents of this particular book are a little darker than usual…

Q. How does it differ from your last book DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? which came out last year on www.lulu.com?

A. I feel it differs quite a bit… There are more than just poems, this time there are also a few vignettes inspired by my visit to Los Angeles in August 2010 – not to mention nine short yet darkly-humorous horror stories. I’ve been getting back into horror over the last 18 months or so and so my ideas seem to be going down a sort of Joe Orton meets Stephen King path – and I’m very pleased about it too…

Q. Tell us about some of your favourites from the new book - which piece or pieces are you most proud of?

A. Well, I'm very happy that I've spent more time writing prose, recently… I am especially pleased with the short stories in this collection because I feel I’ve been able to write something that you might even class as a black comedy. My horror stories are horrible – but they are as much about the ludicrousness of the situation that the characters find themselves in than trying to be scary. For instance, in THE UNWANTED NEIGHBOUR the story is as much about the rivalry between an old woman and the monster who lives next door – with the moral that gossip is far more powerful as a weapon than sharp razor teeth! I’m also especially fond of a number of the poems – BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE, YOU – ME AND THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS, JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU, GEOGRAPHY BE DAMNED, RESPECTABLE TEXTS, CUPCAKE, A FLEA TEA PARTY, A SWEET TAIL, WE’RE AN ITEM NOW and a number of others are already ones that have received nice comments at my shows or when recorded for videos and I hope in years to come I’ll still want to include these ones in my sets.

Q. How is the performance poetry going?

A. Good. Of course it’s still early days in many ways and I learn new things all the time. I still do shows at The Poetry Café twice a year and hopefully get the chance to read at other events along the way. This year is the first opportunity I’ve had to arrange a show with other poets so it’ll be very exciting to see how that goes!

Q. Are there any of your new poems that you feel are working especially well when performed live?

A. Definitely - and it's not always the obvious ones – sometimes it’s the ones I’ve asked the audience to pick randomly, which I’ve almost forgotten about – especially if it’s the older ones. I did one show last year where I provided the audience with the contents page of every book I had written up until that point and asked them each to select a titles from the contents page that they had been handed. In most cases they didn’t know the poem – but selected one for me to read by how much the title interested to them. It worked pretty well – nobody selected anything I really didn’t want to read, thankfully – but there aren’t TOO many of those. As for recent poems – any of the ones I mentioned earlier seem to be the ones working best; CUPCAKE always comes across in a far more sinister manner than I ever expected when I first wrote it. It’s like a stalking poem to a cake!!

Q. When is your next show?

A. I'm doing a show at The Poetry Café next month, Thursday 16th June 2011 with three other performers – John Smallshaw, Gary Groves and the legendary Wilfredo. It’s called AN EVENING WITH SHY YETI – AND OTHER ANIMALS and is for WOOD GREEN ANIMAL SHELTERS. I can’t really say anything more about it than that – but I do know it’s going to be very good!

Q. Will you be reading anything new?

A. Yes, indeed… One, maybe two new pieces – I suppose it depends on who you are and whether you’ve seen me perform my work before – to a lot of the audience it’ll all be new. But anyhew! Either way I am hoping to perform something new which I hope will appear in my FUNERAL FOR A SHOE collection next year. One A PERFECT MATCH is written especially for the night and the other I am also considering is called LOVE-GO-ROUND and was only written a few days ago; but keeps whispering in my ear asking to be performed. We’ll see – I won’t make a decision yet; although I expect to get to read about ten pieces on the night.

Q. Any other upcoming shows?

A. Well, following on from my April show I have another planned for mid-November which is really all about celebrating 10 years since my first collection: JUNK/FOOD was published back in 2001. I’m issuing a 10th anniversary special edition with new commentary and photos to coincide with that and I’m expecting to read some poems from this book that ordinarily I would probably try and avoid! As much as I like JUNK/FOOD it has one or two pieces written back in 1992 that make me blush just a tad – let’s just say I’ve written better pieces since. That said I still feel that I could turn them into something worth hearing when I perform them. I also intend to read quite a bit from THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE – which is the book that I have coming out in the summer. In addition to that I’m hoping to read some really new pieces and then one or two old favourites.

Q. How is the SHY YETI ON LOCATION series progressing?

A. Very well, I’d say. I have posted a number of videos up this year – the last two episodes of my A YETI BACK IN HOLLYWOOD series, a video called A YETI IN WINTER which was just 100-word stories, a performance video from my April 2011 show – not to mention finally getting around to editing SHY YETI VERSUS AUTUMN which I had intended to have ready last year, but which I ran out of time to finish. This last video appears in two parts – the first part featuring myself and Mr McCauley in various locations around London – as well as a yeti dance on a balcony on Manchester. The second episode was filmed in the English countryside and features a daft song, a rude limerick – silly accents – loads of out-takes and the only footage that survived from my trip to Venice in November 2010. The next series of videos was filmed in Paris in late April 2011 and should start appearing by early June – I’m not sure if that will end up as two or three episodes. There are also a few more episodes that I hope to film over the summer, including a return to Los Angeles in July and a general mooch around the English countryside – rather like last year’s SHY YETI IN THE COUNTRY episode.

Q. What about the forthcoming Paris episodes? Anything you can tell us about? Mr McCauley is back again, we hear?

A. Absolutely. All who watched the 2nd SHY YETI VERSUS AUTUMN episode will have seen a few Paris clips at the end – basically it’s all in the can – not that there’s actually a can; but I’m only just starting to edit the episodes now. I managed a number of new stories – an old poem – a yeti dance and a number of daft sketches with Monsieur McCauley. We filmed near The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Montmartre, Pere Lachaise – basically anywhere we could. I just hope viewers enjoy it!!

Q. Can we expect to see any other parts of the States during your next trip?

A. Yes, indeed. Other than the usual L.A. location I expect to be taking a trip out to Portland, Oregan for a few days – so I’m hoping that I can set an episode there too. I’m not exactly sure what I’ll be filming until I get there – but will probably read some new pieces and short stories from THE VAMPIRE COWS book. I also expect to be back in The States in November – but who knows what I’ll get up to then! There may even be a film from another European destination – but we’ll see!

Q. Will you be returning to open-mike in L.A.?

A. I'd very much like to if they'll have me back and there is time. My priority is to spend lots of quality time with Mr McCauley and then secondly recording more videos and taking photos for which ever book I'm working on by then.

Q. And you've nearly finished another book?

A. Yes… Two really! But that's just the way it often seems to happen… It's not as if I finished work on YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS in March and then began the next one in April - I began THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE in October and have been working on it since then whilst I was proofing the other collection. It’s just that every day I write it’s nice to work on some fresh writing – to spend half an hour or an hour to write a poem or some prose; but the reverse of that and the more boring side is the proofreading. So the balance is that I’m usually writing something new whilst putting the finishing touches to an older book.

Q. It still sounds like you came up with lots of ideas very quickly? How come?

A. I’ve always had a lot of ideas and I write every day – I had a pretty prolific year back in 2009 too, but on this occasion I blame it on those 100-word stories. I already had half a book written which was mainly poetry – but then suddenly I had a lot of ideas that really suited this 100-word format and once I had those ideas it was quite easy to write two or three a day whilst commuting to work or during a lunch break. Other than cutting them down to 100 words they didn’t need a lot of proofing – so the whole process of writing the second half of THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE went very quickly between January and March 2011.

Q. You read some of the stories during an episode of SHY YETI ON LOCATION didn’t you? Will you still be writing poetry?

A. I certainly will – in fact I finished one over the weekend called LOVE-GO-ROUND which I hope to read at the Poetry Café show in June. But you’re right – I did read some of the 100-word stories and probably will do again; I’m certainly focussing more on prose at the moment – but in different forms. For instance, the book after VAMPIRE COWS which I am currently working on, called A FUNERAL FOR A SHOE, has a mixture of prose and poetry – but I’ve already moved on from writing 100 word stories to writing maybe 500 to 1000 word pieces; something with a little more meat but which might not be any longer than, say, two sides of A4 paper. Basically I’m writing in all sorts of formats – not imposing too many rules and regulations and just seeing what happens… I’m also finding that I’m writing more about things or places or experiences that I’ve been involved with lately. I guess what I’ve been writing about lately are more just bizarre black comedies rather than necessarily horror or ghost stories out-right.

Q. And what is the other book you mentioned?

A. The new Mouse of Commons novel - the first since 2008’s GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS THROWS IT ALL AWAY (the other Mouse books since then have all been short story collections.) I’m quite excited that it is nearly done as I’ve been working on this book on and off since 2007 and now that it’s finished I am already thinking about its sequel – not to mention finishing off a number of other Mouse short stories that are all finished, except for needing to be typed up.

Q. Well, that's about all for now - can I ask one more question? What ever happened to Sutton Park SW1?

A. Ah, I knew you'd ask that one! There are a number of episodes in the can ready to go – but I’ve just not had time to edit them as well as writing the books and working on SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos. I’m hoping to get more episodes edited later this year and into 2012 – which is the 20th anniversary of the show.

Q. That's good news. Thank you, Paul.

A. That's okay, thank you for having me – hopefully we’ll growl again soon.

So, there you have it! More soon! Yeti hugs, Paul xx



This interview was conducted in May 2011 and is Copyright Paul Chandler/Growler Gazette 2011. 

POETRY VIDEOS AND SOMETHING ELSE FROM THE NEW BOOK


Hi, I've just loaded up the first video of my Poetry Cafe gig from the other week. It includes the poems YOUR APRIL FOOL, YOU DON'T EXIST, CAT THIEF, BAD STUFF I WISH WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU and THE MEN IN WHITE COATS ARE MY FRIENDS...

It can be viewed at either: http://youtu.be/TMdn9tnz62w via Youtube or http://www.vimeo.com/22362996 on Vimeo.

Also - rather lost in my review of the show were links to my other new video: SHY YETI VERSUS AUTUMN - PART 1

This video can be viewed on Youtube at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ar9iGgcnHc

Or on Vimeo at the following link: http://www.vimeo.com/21857799

Here is another new poem from YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS - one that I also read at The Poetry Cafe on Saturday 2nd April 2011, which was selected by audience member Maggie Hughes. It was actually one that I wrote near the start of the writing for that collection so I'm slightly guilty of having forgotten it a bit - especially as I've written another book and a half since writing the contents for YETI HUGS. Anyway, it's called WE'RE AN ITEM NOW and it can be read below.

More news soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

WE’RE AN ITEM NOW...



We’re an item now...
So what do we do?
Simply go out to dinner –
Or just stay in to screw?
We could maybe do both –
‘Cos it’s all about timing...
Our love is more about fun –
Than it is social climbing!
But we spent many months –
Every breath we were flirting!
But now I’m holding you close –
It’s still quite disconcerting!
But we’re an item now –
So you can do what you like...
You can ravish me, freely!
So come on baby, strike!!


We’re an item now...
So what should come next?
Should we try cyber sex –
Or would you rather just text?
We can take turns at each –
If you think t’would be nice...
Are my whispered sweet nothings –
Your idea now of spice?
May I call you my love?
May I flatter you meekly?
May I swoon in your arms?
Once a month; even weekly?
‘Cos we’re an item now...
So, what will every day bring?
You are mine; I am yours!
Your insatiable plaything!!


We’re an item now...
It’s a cool place to be!
May I hold tight your hand?
Might I fondle your knee?
Slip your head by my neck –
Let me massage your arm...
Well, a bottle of red...
That’s my i-dea of charm!
I will try hard to be –
Your glad servant adoring...
There on call hand and foot –
Not out boozing nor whoring!
Yes, we’re an item now...
It’s a big deal, no doubting...
I want you all full of smiles...
Not down-hearted nor pouting!


We’re an item now...
That’s the deal; you and I...
I’d like to snog off your face;
Well, at least let me try!
I’m so glad that we met –
You and I surely suit...
I’m so lucky I’ve met –
Someone so hella cute!
Come elope with me, love –
I would feel oh-so humble...
On our own desert island –
Let us frolic and fumble!
We’re an item now –
Pile our love on in heaps...
Yes, every kiss is incredible –
‘Cos we’re in this for keeps!

WE'RE AN ITEM NOW appears in Paul's recent collection YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS which was published in late March 2011. All content included in this post are Copyright Paul Chandler 2011.

MR YETI LIVE (AGAIN) AT THE POETRY CAFE - SATURDAY 2ND APRIL 2011

Hello again!

This post is going to be all about my Poetry Cafe show from last weekend - with the usual breakdown of what exactly went on and which poems that I read. I'm not sure if it was just me, but it seemed to be a quite hot evening for early April - but a few of my poems were quite fiery so that worked okay! *drip, drip, drip!*

I read 38 poems in all - as follows:

FIRST HALF

YETI SPAGHETTI

YOUR APRIL FOOL *

YOU DON'T EXIST *
I AM NEVER INVITED TO ORGIES *
CAT THIEF *
PICCADILLY CIRCUS *

A FLEA TEA PARTY *

BAD STUFF I WISH WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU *

THE PARENTS TURN AGAINST THE CHILDREN *

CUP CAKE
THE MEN IN WHITE COATS ARE MY FRIENDS *
FILM STAR *
DEAR AUNTIE ASTRID...
CAN YOU FORGIVE HER? (TENNANT/LOWE) * (SOME)
RESPECTABLE TEXTS *
LITTLE PIG *
OH, FLORENCE!!! *

SECOND HALF

STREETLIGHT GLAMOUR *
WE'RE AN ITEM NOW *
DISCO YETI *
RECKLESSLY
I NEVER SAY NO TO PIE...
COMING INTO LAND * (SOME)
BRAINS!!! *
COMING OUT... *
IF YOU WERE MY WIFE *
D.J., DARLING
A DISORGANISED LIBRARY IS A VERY BAD THING
KITTEN SPIT, ALABAMA *
LAID *
LEGGY BLONDE *
THE NEXT TRAIN DOES NOT CALL AT THIS STATION *
A MONKEY'S UNCLE *
IF SHAKESPEARE WAS AROUND TODAY
MY DOG IN A DRESS
THE TRUE LIGHT
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
I WILL EAT PIES

Please Note: All videos with an asterisk (*) aside them indicates that they were filmed by Dan Hodges for inclusion in future SHY YETI LIVE and SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos. In all 26 out the 38 pieces were recorded.



In a little more detail:

FIRST HALF

YETI SPAGHETTI
From: SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

I like to begin my shows with a yeti referencing poem - although I bodged that idea in the second half. This was originally written as the title piece for a collection of poems for children which, as yet, has not been finished. The yeti that appears in most of my books and on t-shirts and stickers was designed for use in this project. This poem originally appeared in my 2008 collection SHY YETI'S INCREDIBLE PIE CRUST COLLECTION.

YOUR APRIL FOOL *
From: SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

I was a day late reading this one, which originally appeared in my 2007 collection RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR. It's just a simple piece about someone revelling in being made a fool by somebody they love - simply because they adore them so much. I'm pleased that Dan recorded this one as it's about time it had some video to represent itself.

YOU DON'T EXIST *
From: SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

This is another old piece - that first appeared in POETIQUETTE from 2005. It's a bit of a broken-hearted one, of course though - but then you need a balance after all my daft pieces about pies and yeti!!

I AM NEVER INVITED TO ORGIES *
From: MUGSHOTS (2004)

This is one that I recorded on Vimeo back in 2008 and is also one of my highest rated poems online. It's a funny old piece - as I said at the show on the night; I'm not sure if people watch it because they genuinely like it or because they think it's going to be rude. It's really not terribly rude at all and is merely the cravings of a frustrated housewife; my attempt to write something in the style of either Victoria Wood or Pam Ayres.

CAT THIEF *
From: SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

This is one of my favourites which originally appeared in IF POEMS WERE PIES (also 2009). It's perhaps the nearest thing I've written to a rap, but it's a pretty silly one all in all - I always enjoy reading it.

PICCADILLY CIRCUS *
From: SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

One of my older pieces, which originally appeared in ROLLERCOASTER (2002). It was inspired by my boss, Anita, who can often be heard to say (quite rightly!) "It's like Piccadilly Circus around here..." when the library gets particularly busy.

A FLEA TEA PARTY *
BAD STUFF I WISH WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU *
THE PARENTS TURN AGAINST THE CHILDREN *
CUP CAKE
THE MEN IN WHITE COATS ARE MY FRIENDS *
FILM STAR *
All from: YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS (2011)

Six pieces from my new collection - the first I recorded a video for last summer during my SHY YETI OUT IN THE COUNTRY episode, whilst the second, third, fifth and sixth pieces I'd not performed before. CUP CAKE is one of the oldest from that collection and also appeared as a sampler in my 2010 book A SOUPCON OF SHY YETI; I have also performed it at a number of gigs.

DEAR AUNTIE ASTRID...
From: THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE (2011)

This is included in my forthcoming VAMPIRES COWS book, this also appears in my next Mouse of Commons novel GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE COUNTERCLOCKWISE CONUNDRUM. Coming up with these Auntie Astrid pieces is some of my favourite writing work in the last five years. This piece is about a goldfish who wishes to become a shark.

CAN YOU FORGIVE HER? (TENNANT/LOWE) * (SOME)
Pet Shop Boys song lyrics (1993)

This was my cover version for the night. Last time it was Noel Coward - this time it was The Pet Shop Boys. It's probably one of my favourite lyrics of all their songs.

RESPECTABLE TEXTS *
From: YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS (2011)

Another piece from the new book - this one I've included on the blog and was included in my new SHY YETI ON LOCATION video: SHY YETI VERSUS AUTUMN which was posted on the afternoon of the gig. (More details below) I hadn't intended to read this as I'd read it at open-mike quite recently - however one of the audience members, Maggie Hughes, especially requested it. So who am I to refuse!?!

LITTLE PIG *
From: SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

Another favourite of mine, which was originally included in my 2008 volume SHY YETI'S INCREDIBLE PIE-CRUST COLLECTION. It was written at my friend Vinnie's house back in the day... Under his alter-ego of BEARSOUP, Vinnie designed Mr Yeti and was also in the audience for this show, which is partly why I read it.

OH, FLORENCE!!! *
From: SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

And another favourite!! I have read this a number of times at shows. It's one of my silliest and weirdest pieces - but I have a very soft spot for it. It originally appeared in my THIRD TIME LUCKY book from 2002.

SECOND HALF

STREETLIGHT GLAMOUR *
WE'RE AN ITEM NOW *
From: YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS (2011)

The 2nd half was supposed to start with DISCO YETI, but Maggie requested these two - as she already had the book and had chosen those as her favourites... STREETLIGHT GLAMOUR, I know to be a couple of other people's favourite from the book - and I'm glad she asked me to do WE'RE AN ITEM NOW as I had forgotten that it's quite a nice one to read aloud. Sometimes taking random requests to read poems ends up with me discovering pieces that I've never performed before. It's all good!

DISCO YETI *
RECKLESSLY
From: SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

Although both from different collections these were both collected together in my SHY YETI RULES OK compilation which I recently re-issued as an updated edition for 2011. DISCO YETI originally comes from my 2007 collection RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR, whilst RECKLESSLY originates from 2004's LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED.

I NEVER SAY NO TO PIE...
From: SHY YETI'S INCREDIBLE PIE-CRUST COLLECTION (2008)

This is a piece from a few years ago which I rather enjoy reading - I think it's one of the ones that missed out being read in my November 2010 show. Mmmmm. Pie.

COMING INTO LAND * (SOME)
BRAINS!!! *
From: THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE (2011)

A couple of new pieces from THE VAMPIRE COW book - the first a short poem written just before I landed in Los Angeles during my first trip there in August 2010 and the second a pretty short story involving zombies - of a kind... But I can say no more!!

COMING OUT... *
From: FUNERAL FOR A SHOE (2012)

This is a very new piece - in fact I had only written it a couple of days before reading it at the show. It comes from the book after next which I have just started, called FUNERAL FOR A SHOE - which I guess will be ready in the first quarter of 2012. It 's a poem about coming out - as a poet...

IF YOU WERE MY WIFE *
From: THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE (2011)

This is one of my more recent favourites - written in early 2011 for inclusion in the VAMPIRE COWS book, due out in July 2011. It is dedicated to my good friend and "wifey" Jo. The first time I attempted to read it at an Open Mike night in February 2011 I ran out of my allotted time just two lines before the end - so I was glad to be able to read it - unrushed - on this occasion.

D.J., DARLING
From: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? (2010)

This is from last year's collection and is one that I wanted to read at my November 2010 show - but which I ran out of time to fit in. It was written whilst I was staying in Nice for a long weekend in late-September 2009.

A DISORGANISED LIBRARY IS A VERY BAD THING
KITTEN SPIT, ALABAMA *
LAID *
LEGGY BLONDE *
THE NEXT TRAIN DOES NOT CALL AT THIS STATION *
A MONKEY'S UNCLE *
IF SHAKESPEARE WAS AROUND TODAY
From: THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE (2011)

The first five of these are 100-word stories that I wrote earlier this year for inclusion in the next book. A MONKEY'S UNCLE is a new rhyming poem and IF SHAKESPEARE WAS AROUND is either a sketch or a prose poem, however you want to look at it. A DISORGANISED LIBRARY is one of my earliest 100-word stories that I wrote in 1994. I also allowed the audience to select between the following:

a) FROM ARGUMENT TO ORNAMENT, A DISORGANISED LIBRARY IS A VERY BAD THING, FENIX FROM THE FLAME

b) HER SUMMER HOLIDAY, KITTEN SPIT - ALABAMA, LAID

In the end I read two of these...

c) OPEN MIKE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, HARRASSING THE SUN (GIBSON), IF SHAKESPEARE WAS AROUND TODAY

Harry called for the SHAKESPEARE piece - Gibson called for HARRASSING THE SUN, but Harry got there first. On this occasion, towards the end of the show - there wasn't really time for both. I'm glad SHAKESPEARE got the call, because although I like all three of these I knew I'd enjoy reading that one most of all.

MY DOG IN A DRESS
THE TRUE LIGHT
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
I WILL EAT PIES
From: SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

Although these poems were originally from different collections they were all collected in my compiled SHY YETI RULES OK volume which I have just issued an updated edition of. I won't go into too much detail on these as they are the usual ones that I tend to finish the night with.

Which were my own personal favourites of the night? I'm not being egotistical here - I just mean which ones did I enjoy reading most on the night or thought worked the best.

I'd say probably I enjoyed performing IF SHAKESPEARE WAS AROUND TODAY the most. I enjoyed doing the dodgy wheeler-dealer voice - although I got so carried away I ended up reading the start of MY DOG IN A DRESS in the same accent! I definitely enjoyed reading the 100-word stories as they are new and a little different from what I have done before. I also enjoyed reading CUP CAKE, because it's quite creepy and FILMSTAR allows for a bit of acting - which I also found fun to do. Reading anything that an audience member chooses without being provoked is also very flattering...

Which brings me to to audience member Maggie Hughes who I would like to thank for reading ahead and arriving at the show with a few favourites from the new book that she requested I read. So, thank you Maggie for making my "job" easy here by suggesting some of the pieces that you wanted to hear.

Poems or stories which narrowly escaped being peformed on the night included: CATFOOD IN YOUR EYEBROWS, CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND, JUST HOW SLUTTY ARE LIBRARY BOOKS?, CHILLI PEPPER FINGERS, THE BIRTHDAY THAT NEVER WAS, THE BARD OF BELGRAVIA, FROM ARGUMENT TO ORNAMENT, FENIX FROM THE FLAME, HER SUMMER HOLIDAY, OPEN-MIKE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, HARRASSING THE SUN, DO SHEEP MIGRATE?, SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA, THE BALLAD OF TINY ELVIS, NO-ONE EVER FELT COOL BUYING AN MP3 FILE, I WANT YOU NOW... (NO I DON'T!), MY MOMENT IS NOW!!!, THE INEFFECTUAL ASSASSIN, A MOST BORING MAN, YOU TRULY WERE THE HANDSOMEST..., I LOVE YOU LESS..., A LITTLE MOUSE, LAS VEGAS LIPS, THE KING OF RHYME and ENGLAND LOVES YOU.



Lastly I can also announce the good news that the first episode of my 2 part "lost" SHY YETI VERSUS AUTUMN series also went online on Saturday 2nd April 2011 - just before I headed off to The Poetry Cafe for the show.

Details as follows:

The video can be viewed on Youtube at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ar9iGgcnHc

Or on Vimeo at the following link: http://www.vimeo.com/21857799

I hope to get on with editing the 2nd SHY YETI VERSUS AUTUMN video which has footage from both Surrey and Venice (Ahh! Beautiful Surrey...) during April - as well as posting a SHY YETI LIVE video from the 2nd April 2011 show. Dan Hodges recorded approximately 45 minutes of my performance - which I intend to include in future episodes of SHY YETI ON LOCATION rather than posting it all at once. I will be announcing the location of my special European episode later this month (if I haven't let that slip already somewhere - I forget now...) This episode will be filmed between Thursday 28th April and Sunday 1st May 2011. What I will announce here is that I hope that there will also be a new London episode filmed between Friday 22nd and Wednesday 27th April 2011 which will guest star Mr Dominic McCauley - who will also be appearing in the mysterious "European episode!" too. These episodes should keep you going through May and early June when I intend to film another episode to be posted in late June - before I return to L.A. again in late July!

So - all go on the video front and more information as it happens. I also expect the new Mouse Of Commons book and THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE book to be out by early July - but we'll just have to see how things go!

Anyway - I hope to post a new poem in the next week or so...

But for now, thanks again to Baz, Calum, Harry, Gibson, Miles, Vinnie, Jo, Maggie, Robert and Dan for attending the show - also to everybody who sent me nice Facebook messages and texts before the event; especially Dominic!!! An additional thank you to Dan Hodges for recording so much of the show for me.

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

P.S. I am a very bad yeti... I forgot to mention that the show was also in aid of charity and to thank people for their donations. The evening was in memory of a former colleague, Rohinton Sethna who also used to support my work but who sadly passed away last year. In his memory I made the show a charitable event in aid of The British Heart Foundation. I am pleased to say that between the audience at the show and colleagues at work we all raised nearly £100 for the charity. Thanks again.

YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS...
...IT'S LOVELY, NOT HORRIBLE AT ALL! ;)

Hello,

Just to let you know that YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS is now out. Hoorah!!!

The paperback came out on Friday (a week earlier than announced) on 25th March 2011 and the hardback emerged today!

Here's some more information:

YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS

Paul Chandler's latest collection of writing contains 55 new poems, 6 vignettes inspired by a trip to Hollywood and 9 darkly-humoured yet scary short stories! YETI HUGS & OTHER HORRORS... was written between December 2009 and October 2010. Verse includes CUPCAKE, A FLEA TEA PARTY, A SWEET TAIL - as well as a trilogy of poems: GEOGRAPHY BE DAMNED, JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU and YOU, ME & THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS. In the short stories we meet a football mascot who gets rather too attached to his costume, two rather curious neighbours - an O.A.P and an amphibian man, an autograph collector who specialises in werewolves and vampires; not to mention a tattoo artist's assistant who learns his new boss's rather macabre method of dealing with customers who refuse to pay!

Publ: Lulu.com / Beeches Books   Published: Spring 2011   Pgs: 336

Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/yeti-hugs-and-other-horrors/15213817

The paperback is available for £9.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/yeti-hugs-and-other-horrors/10328207

The hardback is available for £15.99

Download: http://www.lulu.com/product/file-download/yeti-hugs-and-other-horrors/15213818

The download is available for £5.99

At the end of the post I have included a vignette from the collection called WORK IS RUBBISH, which was - erm - kind of inspired by a true story...

Now all I have to do is decide which pieces I'll be reading from the new book at my Poetry Cafe show next Saturday! :) More about that once I've actually done it - and no doubt there'll be a video or two from the show, as well... There better be as I was out recording links for it yesterday! ;)

I hope you enjoy it!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

WORK IS RUBBISH


“This place is a mess…” boomed my boss's boss. “It's an absolute tip…”
“It's a working environment!" replied my boss, addressing him as politely as possible.
“It isn't mess - it's work that needs completing once we get the free time to do so…”
“It's a mess…” my boss's boss snapped back in his typical understanding self.
“I want it cleared up…”
My boss looked over at me and my colleague, hoping for some support;
Which I was happy to give.
“You really don't understand how libraries work, do you?” I chipped in.
“An empty desk would infer we had no work to do!”
“Nonsense… Just do as I say and tidy up the place…”
“We deal in books - books need to be catalogued, processed, put on shelves…”
I continued defiantly.
“We're under-staffed…” added my colleague.
“You know that - we do our best and our customers appreciate us…”
“How would you like it if we came into your office and spoke to you like this…”
I said. “This is bullying…”
“I don't care what it is - or what other people say…” my boss's boss snarled.
“I say this place is a mess and it needs to be tided, right this minute –
Throw all this rubbish away or I'll do it myself…”
For a moment all was silent, but then finally my boss looked at me –
And I looked back at my boss…
And then we both looked at our colleague, the library clerk and then we all nodded.
“OKAY GANG!” we said in unison. “Let's tidy up…”
So saying we crossed the room as one formidable information-processing unit –
A juggernaut of knowledge…
And without a word we picked up my boss's boss by his legs and his arms…
We carried him, vainly struggling in our iron grip, out towards the back yard...
Then, once out there we plopped him, unceremoniously, into the recycling bin.
At once - and without too much trouble - our work was done.
“He was right…” sighed my boss. “It does feel good to have cleared some space…”
And YES… We all agreed, it really did…

Two weeks later and our boss's boss is still out there, I believe.
It would appear that nobody cared enough to go and get him out.
Shame that; but at least his shouting seems to have died away now…
Such a pity; but he was a bully and got no more than he deserved...
Oh yes, he really was trouble that one - cluttering up the place like that...

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.

WORK IS RUBBISH is from Paul Chandler's new collection: YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS. OUT NOW!! (See above links) All content of this post is Copyright Paul Chandler 2011.

"YETI HUGS" SUCCESSFULLY DELIVERED!!

Hello!

Just a quick trumpet blast to announce the news that my new book is pretty much up and ready and should be available to be launched at my Poetry Cafe show on Saturday 2nd April 2011. As of yesterday both a paperback and hardback edition of the book shot off to Lulu.com to be printed and if all looks well when I receive my first copy then it will be officially available from Friday 1st April. April Fool's Day. Yup! That was deliberate, of course! ;)

Meanwhile, work goes well with THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE collection, which may now be released late Summer alongside the new Mouse of Commons book: GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE COUNTER-CLOCKWISE CONUNDRUM. I'm not sure I can wait until November to release it! I am also putting together a 10th anniversary edition of JUNK/FOOD - available for the first time on Lulu on its own two feet with photos, additional information and comments. But more about that, launches, show etc later in the year. I have also written the first dozen or so pieces for my FUNERAL FOR A SHOE collection - it's going to be more prose and short stories than poems this time - but I'm aiming for a mixture.

For those of you who still keep an eye on the Top 40, I reproduce for you below my very own Top 40 - although it's slightly more than that. It's a list of my Youtube and Vimeo films and how many hits they have had - whether it be poetry, prose or yeti dancing videos.

But before that I have a new poem for you from YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS. It's called STREETLIGHT GLAMOUR and it's all about people not having enough money to go out partying in these credit crunch days - but doing their best! Even using the light of a street lamp to tart themselves up...

STREETLIGHT GLAMOUR

I am stood in the light of a street lamp –
I am using the glow to get dressed...
And although it's a little bit gloomy –
I am wearing my smartest and best…
I'm applying my make-up discreetly…
So pedestrians surely won't see…
So the law will not think I'm a hooker –
Alas, I've just got no elec-tricity!
I intend to dress up and go out, see…
I intend to find someone who's rich…
I've no choice – ‘cos I need to be thrifty –
‘Cos these credit crunch days are a bitch…
So, I make use of what's freely provided –
And then hope no-one thinks that I'm weird!
I am going for cheap street light glamour –
And just pray my mascara's not smeared...


I am stood in the light of a street lamp –
Now the daylight's beginning to fade…
Gonna spruce myself up down an alley…
Then begin my triumphant parade!
I am loving my lovely reflection –
That I glimpse in the shiniest cars...
In the tramp's piss that lies in the gutter…
As I'm haloed by radiant stars!
I am truly alive on the pavement –
As I rifle the waste-bins for scraps…
As I pick up fag ends they've discarded…
When I smile they do not see the gaps…
I will drink 'til the moon starts to dazzle…
Sleep at yours as I've nowhere to stay!
I am going for cheap street light glamour –
There's no doubting we'll do things your way!


I am stood in the light of a street lamp –
And my eyes are beginning to hurt!
There's no doubt that I need to get ready –
But my high heels are still caked in dirt…
I just need to look sexy this evening –
Take a shower now under the rain!
How I wish that my short arms were longer…
Since I just dropped my purse down the drain!
Oh, the times now are hard, that's for certain…
I'm still out on the town having fun…
Out there washing my clothes in the puddles –
Then just drying them off in the sun…
Above me the lamp glow it flickers –
Soon I'm gonna be ready to go…
With my terribly cheap street light glamour –
If I'm dancing well, no-one will know!

Hopefully you enjoyed that. That's all for now. The Top Videos list follows at the end. Get watching, won't you - there a lot of them out there that are feeling jealous that their hits are much lower than some of their filmic brothers and sisters. *blushes* What AM I on about!?! Anyway - I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who has watched the recent A YETI IN WINTER video. It's already had 84 hits and has only been up for a couple of weeks. I am currently working on the much-delayed AN AUTUMNAL YETI video which was recorded last year - as well as beginning to think about editing more SUTTON PARK SW1 episodes. I have also recorded a video of me reading one of my short stories from THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE - but will probably post that nearer the time that the book is due. In late April/early May I also expect to record a 2 or 3 part A YETI IN... Well, I can't say where yet... More news on that nearer the time!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

YOUTUBE/VIMEO RATINGS AS OF: 15/03/2011 - AFTERNOON

1st SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 1 = 305 views
2nd SHY YETI ON LOCATION IN DORSET = 161 views
3rd BALLAD OF A GO-GO BEAR = 154 views
4th SHY YETI GOES TO HOLLYWOOD = 148 views
5th UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE = 138 views
6th SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 2 = 120 views
7th SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 4 = 118 views
8th I AM NEVER INVITED TO ORGIES... = 115 views
9th SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 3 = 109 views
10th SHY YETI LIVE - 06/03/2010 = 106 views
11th OUT AND ABOUT WITH SHY YETI = 103 views
12th SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 5 = 98 views
13th SHY YETI IN A SECRET LOCATION = 97 views
14th SUTTON PARK SW1 – PART 7 = 95 views
15th SHY YETI ON LOCATION IN DORSET (OUT-TAKES) = 93 views
16th SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 6 = 92 views
17th SHY YETI'S VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL = 91 views
17th YETI SPAGHETTI = 91 views
19th SHY'S SNOW SPECTACULAR = 89 views
20th SHY YETI TALKS = 86 views
21st A YETI IN WINTER = 84 views
22nd SHY YETI LIVE - 06/03/2010 (2) = 79 views
23rd SHY YETI OUT IN THE COUNTRY = 71 views
24th SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 7 = 66 views
25th YOU CRAMP MY STYLE = 64 views
26th LITTLE PIG = 63 views
=27th SHY YETI IN A SECRET LOCATION (OUT-TAKES) = 62 views
=27th YETI SPAGHETTI (OUT-TAKES) = 62 views
29th SHY YETI AT THE COBALT CAFÉ = 59 views
30th MY MOMENT IS NOW = 58 views
=31st A YETI BACK IN HOLLYWOOD – PART 1 = 57 views
=31st SUTTON PARK – PART 8 (1 OF 2) = 57 views
=33rd A YETI BACK IN HOLLYWOOD – PART 2 = 56 views
=33rd A YETI BACK IN HOLLYWOOD – PART 3 = 56 views
35th PICCADILLY CIRCUS = 55 views
36th THEY WARNED ME... = 46 views
37th MY DOG IN A DRESS = 35 views
=38th A YETI BACK IN HOLLYWOOD – PART 4 = 33 views
=38th THINGS AIN'T... = 33 views
40th SHY YETI LIVE - 18/11/2008 = 30 views
41st THE DAY CHARLIE GRRR ATE CHRISTMAS – PART 2 = 29 views
=42nd CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND = 28 views
=42nd RECKLESSLY = 28 views
=44th THE TRUE LIGHT = 25 views
=44th SHY YETI LIVE – 22/11/2010 – PART 1 = 25 views
46th GOOD HUG = 23 views
=47th DAREDEVIL = 21 views
=47th THE DAY CHARLIE GRRR ATE CHRISTMAS – PART 1 = 21 views
=49th THE SORRY TALE... = 20 views
=49th A VOICE IN HIS HEAD = 20 views
=51st SHY YETI LIVE – 22/11/2010 – LIVE REVIVED = 14 views
=51st SHY YETI LIVE – 22/11/2010 – PART 3 = 14 views
=51st SHY YETI LIVE – 22/11/2010 – PART 2 = 14 views

Paul's videos can be viewed at MRSHYYETI on Youtube and SHYYETI on Vimeo. STREETLIGHT GLAMOUR is Copyright Paul Chandler 2011 and appears in his new collection YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS - due out on www.lulu.com on Friday 1st April 2011.

A YETI IN WINTER AND STUFF ABOUT BEARSOUP...

Hi,

I am happy to announce the arrival of A YETI IN WINTER - my latest SHY YETI ON LOCATION video. Here's some information about it:

A YETI IN WINTER is a new episode of SHY YETI ON LOCATION. It was filmed between late December 2010 and January 2011 and this time it doesn't feature poems at all. However what it does feature s four 100-word stories written during January 2011: MONSTERS HAVE MANY FACES, A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DIVA, BIG CAKE and A ROARING SUCCESS. These stories come from Paul's forthcoming THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE collection of prose and poetry due out in the autumn. The episode was filmed in Wiltshire and Surrey and features two special guests: Harry and Calum. A YETI IN WINTER also features a yeti dance and something else a little like a yeti dance - not to mention Paul and Harry's expert masterclass in poem writing. Paul has a new book out soon - YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS - which features poems, prose and 9 spooky/creepy short stories. It is available from http://www.lulu.com/ from April 1st. The content of this video is Copyright Paul Chandler 2011.

The new video can be viewed at the following locations:

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKQXkn8fxtw
Vimeo: http://www.vimeo.com/20398992

Also - you may not have seen the 4th and final episode of A YETI BACK IN HOLLYWOOD, so here are the links for that:

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Qmsd8npSgw
Vimeo: http://www.vimeo.com/19604454

I hope you enjoy both the videos. Before I go I would also like to say something about my friend Bearsoup who has just launched a new online shop of his artwork. Why might you be interested? Read on dear reader...

WHERE TO BUY BEARSOUP STUFF

Here at Yeti Towers we’re a big fan of Bearsoup. Partly because he’s great - but also because without him we wouldn’t have Mr Yeti and personally it wouldn’t be a Shy Yeti book without him. Happily it appears that I’m not the only one who loves Mr Yeti! Due to popular demand we’re hoping to sort out some yeti-ish t-shirts in the near future, but I’m sure you’d also be interested to know that Bearsoup’s artwork can be seen at the following link: http://bearsoup.co.uk/ or better still you might like to visit his Cafépress shop at: http://www.cafepress.co.uk/BEARSOUPSHOP

Yes, indeed!

Well, that's it for now - more soon... Back to putting those finishing touches on YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS.

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

RETURN TO OPEN-MIKE - BOOK LAUNCH AND THOSE "YETI HUGS" POEM TITLES...

Just a quick-ish post about my second trip to The Poetry Cafe open-mike this year - on Tuesday 22nd February 2011. I also intend to list the titles from my new book and you can see the flier above for my book launch/show on Saturday April 2nd 2011.

All 4 of my SHY YETI BACK IN HOLLYWOOD videos are now up on the usual YOUTUBE (under MRSHYYETI) and Vimeo (under SHYYETI) profiles and I aim to release another video this weekend called A YETI IN WINTER which features 4 of my new 100-word stories from my forthcoming THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE collection. I hope to post a few more pieces from YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS between now and the launch date of Friday 1st April 2011 - so check back soon.

I've also loaded up slightly updated versions of book SHY YETI RULES O.K. and A SOUPCON OF SHY YETI on http://www.lulu.com/ and am working a 10th anniversary reissue of my first collection JUNK/FOOD for release in November.

A SOUPCON OF SHY YETI (contains slight updates on the edition released in Spring 2010)

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/a-soupcon-of-shy-yeti/14735948

SHY YETI RULES O.K. (contains additional photos and some updates in the text since the edition released in Spring 2009)

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/shy-yeti-rules-ok/14938682

HARRASSING THE SUN
From THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE (2011)

This is a new prose poem from my collection from later this year. It's basically just about how the sun gets embarrassed by people staring at it, taking photos of it and taking their clothes off in front of it.

RESPECTABLE TEXTS
From YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS (2011)

This is from the next book (OUT APRIL 2ND 2011!) which I have posted previously on this blog back in July, last year.

http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2010_07_18_archive.html#1899979573629947159

I also recorded a video for it back in September 2010 for the postponed autumn SHY YETI ON LOCATION video - which I hope to complete in the next couple of months. It is all about sending a lover texts, but hiding your true lusty intentions beneath sentences that appear quite polite.

IF YOU WERE MY WIFE
From THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE (2011)

This is a new piece and one of my recent favourites. Sadly I over-ran my five minutes and the last two lines were cut short. I am sure I will end up either posting it on here at some stage or recording a video for it during 2011 - or both. It was written for my old friend Jo - who has inspired a number of my poems over the years.

To finish with - here is the definitive list of titles from the new book; the poems - prose pieces and short horror stories...

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxxx


YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS

LOVE FUZZ AND YETI HUGS (POEMS)

ANDREAS THE ACROBATIC CAT
ANTICIPATION
BAD STUFF I WISH WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU
THE BALLAD OF THE PIE-EATER
THE BEAR AND HIS KEEPER
BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE
THE BIG WHATEVER
BLACKMAILING SANTA
CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS
CUPCAKE
THE CUTEST GUY IN THE BAND
THE DEATH OF LOVE (LA MORT D’AMOUR)
DURBRAIN
THE EARWORM
EAT ME – DRINK ME
A FLEA TEA PARTY
GEOGRAPHY BE DAMNED!
GIVING UP ON GIVING UP
GOING DOWN THE SHOPS WITH MY CYCLOPS
I CAN’T SNOG YOU (I’M DATING THEM!!)
I KNOW HIM...
“I’M ALL FOR ANIMAL RIGHTS”
IF YOU CALL I’LL LET THE PHONE RING
IT’S NOT EASY BEING SCARY
I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM
JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU
THE MEN IN WHITE COATS ARE MY FRIENDS!
MONEY IV
THE MOTHS ARE GATHERING IN MY WALLET
MUTTER
MY AMERICAN HUNK
MY ENEMY, MY FRIEND
MY SELFISH CAT
MY WORLD IS FLAT
NO-ONE EVER FELT COOL BUYING AN MP3 FILE
THE ONLY TRUE LOVE I HAVE HATED
ON MY T.V.
THE PARENTS TURN AGAINST THE CHILDREN
THE PEOPLE WHO YOU LOVE WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG
PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK
PIES I DON’T LIKE
RESPECTABLE TEXTS
SET THEM FREE
STREETLIGHT GLAMOUR
A SWEET TAIL
THAT OLD BLOOD MOON
WAITING FOR GHOSTS
“WE CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS!”
WE’RE AN ITEM NOW
WHEN SHE WAS JUST A LITTLE GIRL
WORK IS RUBBISH
YOU, ME AND THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS
YOUR HIGH-KICKING DAYS ARE OVER, DARLING
YOUR OWN SWEET OXYMORON
YOU TRULY WERE THE HANDSOMEST...

SHY YETI GOES TO HOLLYWEIRD 2010
A.K.A. HOLLYWEIRDNESS - HOLLYWOOD THEMED PROSE

ADDICTION
FILMSTAR
FIRST SNOG
FLAVOURS
PERFUME
THE STARS ON HOLLYWOOD

THE YETI BIZARRE
MACABRE SHORT STORIES

ACCESS PROHIBITED
THE AUTOGRAPH MAN
HEADSPACE
THE JELLY BEAR
THE MASCOT
THE NEW NEIGHBOUR
A SERIAL KILLER IN THE LIBRARY
STANDING ROOM ONLY
THE TATTOOED SKELETON

BEHIND THE SCENES: THE POEMS
“THE SHY LIFE”: Shy Yeti's blog-posts: 12/2009-10/2010

YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS by Paul Chandler is available from www.lulu.com from Friday April 1st 2011. Paul will be holding a book launch/reading at The Poetry Cafe on Saturday 2nd April 2011 between 7pm and 10pm.