CAVEMAN LOGIC!!!

OUT NOW!!!

Hi,

This is just to announce that CAVEMAN LOGIC is OUT and available on Lulu.com at:
http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/caveman-logic/5957268

Here's a bit more information...

Description:

CAVEMAN LOGIC is Paul Chandler's 2nd book of poetry during 2009; written between January and May 2009. Paul's nom-de-plume is SHY YETI and this collection clearly shows just how quickly yeti can get working when it comes to rhyme an general daftness. CAVEMAN LOGIC includes over 65 new compositions, including: THE BALLAD OF BOROUGH MARKET, FOXED, I'M GLAD YOU SEE IT MY WAY, OWLS IN BRAS, THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WITCH, SNOW BUNNIES & YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL. Some of these pieces have already been performed around London, others will be aired on his European Tour in August 2009 and others may well appear during open-mike nights and gigs over the next few months.

Download: 1 documents, 124445 KB £4.99
Printed: 200 pages, 6" x 9", perfect binding, black and white interior ink
Hardcopy: £8.99

I have also been blogging on BLOGTV and recorded a show today including 3 poems from the new book: THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WITCH, THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY and BUY ME A POET'S LICENCE

You can watch this 9 minute show at:
http://www.blogtv.com/Shows/827099/Y27wZ2NxaeXuZeZFbX&pos=ancr

To finish with, here is another poem from CAVEMAN LOGIC - BRAND NEW PULLING PANTS, which I hope you'll enjoy!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

BRAND NEW PULLING PANTS

He's got his brand new pulling pants on!
Which he bought in Matalan...
He's been down the health salon –
He's got himself an orange tan!
Yes - and his ears are smartly pierced;
He went for studs instead of hoops –
He's got a tablet of Viagra –
Just in case he gets the droops!
Just in case the horse has bolted –
As a swift shot in the arm...
But with his brand new lucky knickers –
Well, he's got automatic charm!

He's got his brand new pulling pants on!
With his eyebrows neatly brushed...
He takes ages getting ready –
He always feels as if he's rushed!
He has flossed his teeth precisely –
Trimmed the hairs right up his nose...
Rinsed the debris from his ears –
Good lord, he's even washed his clothes!
He is really quite the lad –
Although his hair is quite effete!
Whichever boy or girl he pulls –
They will have won themselves a treat!

He's got his brand new pulling pants on!
They are bound to bring him pleasure!
They're a little on the tight side –
Alas, they were not made to measure...
But they show him off quite nicely –
Let's just say he doesn't need a sock!
As he holds his lover tightly –
And pouts some karaoke rock!
Although he's very slim of waist –
He has begun to feel the pinch...
Well, a talent such as his –
Needs to be taken inch by inch!

He's got his brand new pulling pants on!
He’s not been seen in them before...
If he doesn't pull tonight –
Then he will be a total bore!
What a way to spend an evening –
It gives a boy something to do...
And it keeps him off the streets –
All those who'd like to; form a queue!
He will weave his magic spell –
The secret's simply not to care!
He's got the whole world in his pants –
In brand new pulling underwear!

THE NEW AND THE EVEN NEWER!!!

Hi,

I just thought I'd update you on how things are going with CAVEMAN LOGIC, my next book of poems. I have received my first draft copy and whilst away last week up in the Hull/Beverley/Bridlington area I made amendments on the hard copy and this week I've been making the changes to the electronic version of the text. If all goes well this will be completed by early next week - the new version will be uploaded onto www.lulu.com by mid-week; which means that CAVEMAN LOGIC should be available to purchase on the LULU site by about the 1st of July.

More news when I have it, but it's looking good and I'm very pleased with how it has come out. I'll be posting a couple of my favourites from the new collection around the time of the launch.

Meanwhile, I've doing very well with the next collection - which is still going under the title of THE SHY LIFE. More about that once CAVEMAN LOGIC has been published - but as I type I have 25 new poems and another dozen or so in different stages. At the rate I'm going I could quite reasonably expect to have another collection ready by Christmas. But we shall see...

Anyway, one of the poems that I have completed this week is called MAKING TOAST FOR THE ENEMY and I'm really pleased with it, so I have reproduced a first draft of it here for you to (hopefully) enjoy!

Next time I will probably tell you a little about my cheekily entitled: SHY YETI TOUR OF EUROPE!! :)

Anyway - enjoy the new poem!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx


MAKING TOAST FOR THE ENEMY...


I'm making toast for the enemy...
As a way to be nice...
To set aside our dislike!
To simply put it on ice!
I'm quite aware of the past...
From experience I've learnt!
But I'm keeping an eye open...
So the toast won't get burnt!
I have softened the butter...
So it’ll spread like a dream!
I am smiling my widest...
Whilst wishing death to the team!
I've got jams of all flavours –
And some thick marmalade!
So, I’ll make toast for the enemy...
Their every wishes obeyed!


I'm making cake for the enemy...
As a way to seem sweet!
As a way to get round them...
Just to side-step defeat!
I'm quite aware of the tension...
That is rapidly brewing!
But I'd rather not sit there –
Just angrily stewing!
No, I'd rather make cake –
I won't bake in some grit...
I won't fill it with poison –
And I'll not try to spit!
I'll make sponge to appease them...
Smooth some icing on top!
If I make cake for the enemy...
Will the menacing stop?


I'm making tea for the enemy...
I am quenching their thirst!
I am dodging their punches...
But who'll come off the worst?
'Cos my tea is not great...
Sometimes it's lukewarm at best!
Either too sugary or strong...
Or simply too hot to test!
Either too milky or sickly...
I had better take care!
Not to drop in a grenade...
That could blow off their hair!
Because I'm trying to be kind...
I simply must grasp the nettle...
So I’ll make tea for the enemy...
Yes, I'll just pop on the kettle!


I'm making love for the enemy...
I am nobody's dummy!
I don't like giving kisses...
As a way to be chummy!
I am feeling uncertain...
About the dress I am wearing!
I'm a simpering princess –
But inside I am swearing!
Well, I'm sharpening my claws...
For I'm nobody's sweetie!
Seems there's no hope of peace...
They have broken the treaty!
But I'll flirt with them all –
And I'll take them to bed!
So, I’ll make love for the enemy...
But by dawn they'll be dead!

GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF AGAIN!!

Well, I'm getting a little ahead of myself here... I'm posting you up a new poem - hot off the press, which I've only just finished writing not minutes ago... So it won't be in the next book CAVEMAN LOGIC, but probably in my collection after that, tentatively entitled: THE SHY LIFE (LICENCE TO POET...) More about the new poem in a minute - let's discuss CAVEMAN LOGIC a little more, first... There will be more details soon, but it's looking as if the collection will be out mid-July, in time for my book launch party - as I'm currently nearly finished doing final rewrites and proofreading and am about to order my first observation copy (so I can see how it looks before I attempt to sell it to anyone and ensure that I'm happy with it!)

What I can tell you is that it will be 200 pages long and contains 67 new compositions; with a final set-list of titles, as follows:

ATTACK CAT
BACK WHEN THE INTERNET WAS YOUNG
THE BALLAD OF BOROUGH MARKET
BEARS AREN’T MEANT TO BE BALLERINAS
BE MY VALENTINE
BETWEEN YOU & I
BRAND NEW PULLING PANTS
BUY ME A POET’S LICENCE
THE CACTUS KID
CAN’T YOU STOP IT RAINING
CAVEMAN LOGIC
CHARMING!!!
THE DEPARTMENT OF SHODDY WORKMANSHIP
DISPOSABLE DARLING
DOOR-TO-DOOR PSYCHOPATH
DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE ME?
EATING GARLIC BREAD IN THE BATH
EDNA LOVELYSHOES
FOXED
GOOD CUBS TURNED BAD
THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY
HER ONLY FRIEND, THE BEAR
HER STAR BURNS BRIGHTLY
HE’S NOT ALL THAT
HIS EYES AREN’T AS BIG AS HIS STOMACH
I ALWAYS ASSUMED YOU WERE GAY
I COULD’VE BEEN
IF A CAVEMAN & A YETI HAD A FIGHT…
I HOPE I’LL BE THE NEXT IN LINE
I’LL GET YOU
I’M A MYSTERY TO HIM!!
I’M GLAD YOU SEE IT MY WAY
I’M NO HARDER THAN A SOFT MARSHMALLOW
THE INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY OF FISH
I WANT TO DISCO DANCE AROUND YOUR BRAIN
LAMINATED YETI
LAMPSHADE ESQ.
THE LAST LOVE LETTER
THE LAST PERSON I WANT TO FIGHT IS ME
LITTLE MISS LIMELIGHT STEALER
THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WITCH
NEVER SAW IT COMING
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING
NO GOING BACK
NOT AS LOVELY IN REAL LIFE
NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE
NOT THE MOST HONEST CAT IN THE WORLD
OLD BAG FOR LIFE
OUT OF WORK ACTORS
OWLS IN BRAS
PENTHOUSE SWEETHEART
THE PICK-POCKETING FOX
PSYCHOPATHIC POPPADOMS
ROBOTS AND WRONG’UNS
SARCASM VS SURREALISM
SNOW BUNNIES!!!
SO SORRY I’M LATE
SUBURBAN SUPERSTAR
THEY ALWAYS KNEW HE’D BE A VILLAIN
A WEENY BIT KEEN
WE NEED A LITTLE TALK
WHAT HAVE WE DONE?
YOU’RE PERFECT!!!
YOU GOT ME WHERE I AM TODAY!!
YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL
YOUR CAT LIKES ME SO MUCH…
YOU WON’T BE PRETTY, ONE DAY

More soon...

And so, to finish with, a very new poem...

It's called MAKE ALL YOUR LIES TRUE... It came from hearing a song lyric about hearing a lie and wanting it to be true; it was only a very short phrase, but made me think it was worth turning into a poem in it's own right... In fact, I've tried to write the piece as a song, of sorts - it has verses, a chorus and even a middle eight!! As I say, it's a first draft and may change before it's published in bookform, but see what you think... Before anyone asks though, I have not been recently wronged in love and this is not a reaction to some tragic heartbreak - I just wrote it... That's all... Okay! Just thought I should set the matter straight before I get overrun with consoling Facebook messages. Everything is rosey in the garden of yeti... Thank you for your concern though...

Oh go read the poem! :)

Furry thoughts!!

Paul x

MAKE ALL YOUR LIES TRUE
26/05/2009

Well, you say I'm your love…
That you don't want us to part…
But, you're keeping me waiting…
Slowly crushing my heart…
Well, I know that you're fibbing…
And I've learnt all your lies…
For I've heard them before…
And I've seen with my eyes…
You'll say one thing to me…
But then you go do another…
So how may lies still to come?
That you've kept undercover?

Why don't you make all your lies true?
Try and mean what you say...
Can't you ever be honest…
Should I leave? Should I stay?
Can't you make a decision?
About what you want us to do?
Can't you stand by your words, love?
Please, make all your lies true?

Well, you tell me you love me…
And you say that you're mine…
That there's nobody else…
That we're both doing fine…
But I know that you're lying…
'Cos I've seen you out dancing…
Yes, it's some other woman…
That you're busy enhancing…
Well, you say you still want me…
But this I do not believe…
There's only one thing you could do…
Which might earn you reprieve…

Can't you make all your lies true?
Do you want me or not?
You can't keep me just hanging...
Have you untied our knot?
Do you want me forever?
So, is there somebody new?
Your white lies are all bruised...
Why don't you make your lies true?

Well, you claim we're in love…
As, indeed, we once were…
How can you say you still love me?
When you're still seeing her?
Well, I know you're untruthful…
Because I've followed you round…
I have read all your emails…
I have heard every sound…
Every word that you've said -
Every letter you've sent her...
When she kisses your lips…
Leaves a trace of magenta…

Oh, the taste of betrayal is sweet and it's cloying…
You will not speak the truth, just a pattern of lies...
When she calls in the night it is more than annoying…
When you're telling me tales, no, you won't meet my eyes…

Won't you make your lies true?
Or do I just not deserve it?
If you don't want what we had -
What's the point to preserve it?
You want your cake and to eat it -
It's something I've always known...
You're real intent is deceit…
All those lies that were sown…
You won't say what you mean…
All the facts have been slurred…
We've been living a lie…
It's time that everyone heard…
It's time that everyone saw…
What I've been living through…
But no amount of me hoping…
Will ever make your lies true...

COPYRIGHT, PAUL CHANDLER / SHY YETI 2009.

Hi,

It won't be too long now before my next book of completely new poems is ready. I have over 60 new poems for the CAVEMAN LOGIC collection and am currently adding the finishing touches to the book and my proofreader, Dan has begun to make final corrections. Whilst away on holiday near Bury St Edmunds last week I wrote 3 new pieces and have completed a few more this week. These will be included in CAVEMAN LOGIC and title include: EDNA LOVELYSHOES, ROBOTS AND WRONG'UNS, I ALWAYS ASSUMED YOUR WERE GAY, THE INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY OF FISH, LAMPSHADE ESQ, THE CACTUS KID and the poem below, OUT OF WORK ACTORS which is about the curious world of actors - especially those who are unsuccessful at it. As an amateur thesp myself I have met quite a few actors over the years and some I've liked more than others; some can be very humble - whilst others - less so. :)

A first draft of new poem: THE CACTUS KID - taken in Ely on Friday 17th April 2009.

The photos below are from my holiday - and the pictures relate to the recent collection of my old work: SHY YETI RULES O.K., which is still available from me or from the www.lulu.com website.

As of this week I even have a potential title for the NEXT collection - but I'm not telling you that one next! Sorry! :)

Enjoy the new poem - more news of the final lineup of poems, next time.

Yeti hugs,

Paul x


OUT OF WORK ACTORS


Out of work actors –
They’re just taking a rest...
From those classical roles –
Where they're stupidly dressed...
They're just taking a break –
To spend more time with the cat...
Or to write up their memoirs –
Or some confessional tat...
Once an extra in Hamlet –
Somewhat muffled in armour...
Getting murdered to death –
In some serious drama!
But they're not doing it now –
'Cos the work ain't emerging...
So they sit with their memories –
Just quietly purging...
Yes, out of work actors –
All pursue their next part...
So, don't smirk if you see one...
'Cos they are missing their art!


Out of work actors –
Find it so hard to live...
So few roles for them now –
Yet they have so much to give...
Seems that no-one is casting –
They find it so tough to cope...
They would even consider –
A short stint in a soap!
Playing somebody's sister –
Just returned from the dead...
Or some serial killer –
Who’s not right in the head!
Some poor market stall holder -
Who has lost her deposit!
Or a rugged East-ender -
Who is still in the closet...
Oh, out of work actors -
Get no chance to be choosey...
They'd be proud to do panto...
Down in Bude or in Pewsey...


Out of work actors –
So many talents to list...
May appear quite upset...
Claim they’re just acting pissed...
When they chat to their agents –
It can be quite exacting...
When the Press say they're fab –
Can’t they see THEY are acting?
Put them on the front page –
Use their voice on an ad...
The union rep just went home –
Who's to say who's been had?
Off to Edinburgh soon –
Just to set out the chairs...
But it's still theatre work –
There's no need to split hairs!
Hey! Now out of work actor –
This is no time to slouch...
When the director is casting –
Time to hop on the couch!


Out of work actors –
Hope their big break is coming...
As they sit on the streets –
With their gui-tar just strumming!
They are channelling Larry –
Well, they think it's the norm...
Tele-marketing work –
Helps them learn to perform...
All those dreams of bright lights!
All that training in RADA...
Well, it's poor consolation –
When they’re empty of larder...
Reciting lines in their sleep –
Sipping gin from their shoes...
Could they be the new Gielgud?
Woody Allen's next muse!?
Those poor out of work actors...
What a shame - must be hard...
Entertaining their brats –
When you'd dreamt of the bard...

MY GREATEST HITS??

I've just put together a collection of some of my favourite poems, which I'm hoping will be a good introduction to my work for anyone who has never sampled one of my collections. The collection is called SHY YETI RULES O.K. and there is more information at: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/shy-yeti-rules-ok/6492096

A collection of over 50 of Paul's favourite poems from all his poetry volumes since 2002. These include: THE TRUE LIGHT, YETI SPAGHETTI, THIRD TIME LUCKY, A LEARNING EXPERIENCE, EXIT PURSUED BY A YETI, CAT THIEF, I WILL EAT PIES, CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND and many more. These are pieces that he has been reading at gigs and open-mike events since 2008 and which appear to get the furriest, most enthusiastic growls from an audience! Go on, take a peek!! :)

The book is £5.99 plus p&p from Lulu.com, £5 to download and print copies can be bought from me at gigs in person for £5. I will also post copies for £5 + £1 p&p.

The poems included are:

ALL GIVE, NO TAKE.
AS OLD AS YOU FEEL.
BACK THEN.
BEING COY.
BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD.
THE BLACK-EYED GROWL.
BLUE EYED LOVER…
CAT THIEF.
CHILLI PEPPER FINGERS.
CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND.
DISCO YETI.
DO SHEEP MIGRATE?
EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI.
FURRY FROM THE DEEP.
GOOD HUG.
THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY.
GROOVE.
HENS AND STAGS.
HOPELESS ROMANTIC.
HOW CAN WE BE WRONG? (LOVES 1-5…)
I SHOULD NEVER…
I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR GROUPIE.
I WANT YOU NOW.
I WANT THEM TO SEE ME (ON TOP OF THE POPS).
I WILL EAT PIES.
INSPIRATION.
“IT”.
KEEP ON GETTING IT WRONG.
THE KING OF RHYME.
LAS VEGAS LIPS.
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE.
LITTLE PIG.
MY DEAD DAD.
MY DOG IN A DRESS.
MY MOMENT IS NOW!!!
THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WITCH.
OH, FLORENCE.
OTHERWISE ENGAGED.
OVER YOU.
PARTY GIRL.
PICCADILLY CIRCUS.
POLITELY ENRAGED!!
RABBITS DON’T REALLY LIKE LETTUCE.
READY, TEDDY – GO!
RECKLESSLY.
RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR.
REVOLUTION ON THE 8.15.
A ROSEY-TINTED LIFE.
SHE NEVER HAD ANY LUCK.
SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA.
SO MUCH LOVE, SO LITTLE TIME.
THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR.
TAKEN.
THINGS AIN’T WHAT THEY USED TO BE.PT 1.
THIRD TIME LUCKY.
THE TRUE LIGHT.
THE UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE.
WAVES.
WE WERE GOING TO BE WED (WHEN WE BOTH HIT 40.)
WHO CARES.
WOULD YOU DENY US?
YETI SPAGHETTI.
YOU DON’T EXIST.
YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL.
YOUR APRIL FOOL.

I think that's a good start, anyway!! :)

Yeti hugz,

Paul x

NEWS UPDATE: MORE OPEN-MIKE AND 2 NEW BOOKS DUE BY JULY!!!

I am in the process of typing the 50th poem of the next book: CAVEMAN LOGIC, which I expect to be ready by July this year. This particular poem is called I'M A MYSTERY TO HIM. It's not ready to post on here, but I intend to post a new poem at the end of this post. I am also putting together a more concise book on my poems from 1992 to current day called FURRY FAIRY TAILS which I aim to use as an introduction to my poetry and it includes poems that seem to have gone down well at gigs and open-mike nights, as well as some of my personal favourites and a couple as-yet unpublished poems. I expect this collection to be ready by early April, if all goes well - as I was taking photos for the front cover only yesterday and the project is nearly ready to go to Lulu.

In addition to new books I have provisionally announced 3 further writing events in 2009 - a book launch / pub crawl in July, another gig at the Poetry Cafe on Sunday 6th September and another book launch close to my birthday in November.

Not only that but on tuesday I returned to the Poetry Unplugged night at the Poetry Cafe and read three more poems; please read on and learn more...

POETRY UNPLUGGED - TUESDAY 17TH MARCH 2009

This was my first visit since early January due to being busy with my previous collection IF POEMS WERE PIES and with the 1st March gig. I was accompanied by my friend Maggie Hughes and read 3 poems just before the end of the first half. There were over 30 poets on the night and a good St Patrick’s Day time was had by all.

These were the poems that I read:

MICE TAP-DANCING
FROM: IF POEMS WERE PIES (2009)

I choose this poem to start with, it’s one of my favourites from the last book and I thought it would be a good one to warm people up with. In my experience it takes a poem or so to warm people up to your specific style – especially in an open-mike night where they are all sorts of poems being read.

WE WERE GOING TO BE WED (WHEN WE BOTH HIT 40)
FROM: IF POEMS WERE PIES (2009)

One of my favourites from the last collection – this seemed to get people laughing and there were even a couple of gasps; it’s possible somebody had just swallowed the head of the person in front of them – but I’d like to think it was because people were enjoying the poem. Who knows… 

A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
FROM: ROLLERCOASTER (2002)

This poem is a pretty old one, from my second collection – but it’s the one that people came up to me and said they most enjoyed at the gig on the 1st of March – so I was keen to read it again in front of the poetry fans at the open-mike night. Sure enough it also seemed to go down well on this occasion – which made me a very happy yeti! It’s always nerve-wracking trying to read well when you only have a 5 minute slot – but these poems seemed to fit that time just fine before the end of the first half!!

And to finish with here is one of the new poems from CAVEMAN LOGIC...

Enjoy!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul :) x

BACK WHEN THE INTERNET WAS YOUNG

OR: THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET IN JUST FOUR VERSES…


Before the advent of the e-mail –
Before all the songs were sung!
The world was far more simple!
Back when the Internet was young!

Back when the Internet was young –
In the days of caves and flint!
In the days of dinosaurs –
Well, they could have made a mint!
Yes, they could have made a mint –
But not one with a hole…
Because the wheel was not around –
Nor was it round! How very droll!
Yes, they could have made a fortune!
If there’d been shopping on the net…
If dinosaurs had not been eaten –
And not just kept there as a pet…
Back when the Internet was young –
Well, there was no web-site dating!
In fact no-one loved at all…
All folk did was lots of hating…

Back when the Internet was young –
In Medieval times and such…
The net was worked by clockwork –
And no-one used it very much!
It was powered by a treadmill –
By an athletic troupe of mice…
And used by those in peril –
Or by those who sought advice!
Queen Liz the First she surfed it –
To obtain astounding quips!
Henry the 8th he also used it –
To gain new execution tips…
Back when the Internet was young –
No Online Poker Games to play…
There was no Amazon nor Facebook;
There was no Myspace and no e-bay!

Back when the Internet was young –
In the days of Sherlock Holmes…
Crimes were solved upon the net…
Despite the rationing of ohms!
Despite plagues and wars and fires –
Despite the art of body popping…
The Internet simply grew larger –
Even the Bard went online shopping!
In the early days of broadband –
The Magna Carta kept things slow…
Churchill played chess with Hitler –
When he won life came to blows!
Oh, when the Internet was young –
And the tube still ran on time…
The online world was nice and safe!
And there were no scams; no crime…

Back when the Internet was young –
In London Town throughout the Blitz!
Well, the Germans seized the net –
And they flooded it with tits…
Well, it’s never been the same since –
From the 50s through to punk –
But the web’s become polluted –
Folk have filled it full of junk…
Mrs Thatcher used to tease it –
Whilst Tony Blair just used to hunt it!
But the net’s now such a menace –
That no bugger will confront it!
Back when the Internet was young –
It fought a war against the pager…
Well, it was innocent back then –
But now it’s become a foul teenager!

Things will never be the same now –
By our petards we’re duly hung…
We’ve unleashed a giant monster!
The net revolution’s only just begun!!

MY FIRST COVENT GARDEN GIG

POETRY CAFE, SUNDAY 1ST MARCH 2009, 19.30-21.00

I launched the new collection IF POEMS WERE PIES at my gig on sunday, by reading a selection of poems old and new. The first half was a mixture of poems that I've written in the last 10 years, a smattering of verse from all my books since 2001's JUNK/FOOD and in the second half I also read poems from IF POEMS WERE PIES and my work in progress: CAVEMAN LOGIC. The poems from IF POEMS WERE PIES were a mixture of my own favourites and ones that the audience called out the titles of.

This is pretty much the order in which I read the poems – but I did juggle around the order a bit from the list that appeared in the programme, so it’s not 100% correct – but near enough and these are definitely all the poems I read. There was a last minute addition to the first half of the show as the previous day Kirk and I had help catch a thief in Romford (yes, really!) and so I read the superhero poem SUPER YETI AND COSMIC BEAR. I also read THE BALLAD OF CAUSEY HILL (as my flatmate, Calum inspired it and he was in the audience), A LIFE TOGETHER (for my friend Julie, also in the audience), ANOTHER PATHETIC ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT (for Nick, who came up to speak at the microphone about the origins of that particular poem) and finally THE DEPARTMENT OF SHODDY WORKMANSHIP (from CAVEMAN LOGIC for Kirk, who inspired that title).

In addition to this I really enjoyed the impromptu calling out of titles from IF POEMS WERE PIES that I did in the second half too and will hopefully do that next time.

FIRST HALF

YETI SPAGHETTI
THE TRUE LIGHT
I SHOULD NEVER
SUPER YETI AND COSMIC BEAR
THIRD TIME LUCKY
MY MOMENT IS NOW
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
PARTY GIRL
SO MUCH LOVE…
PICCADILLY CIRCUS
LITTLE PIG
THE UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE
BLUE EYED LOVER
OH, FLORENCE!!
MY DOG IN A DRESS
INGRID BERGMAN’S NOSE
THE BALLAD OF CAUSEY HILL
WHO CARES?
ANOTHER PATHETIC ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT
A LIFE TOGETHER
SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA

SECOND HALF

DISCO YETI
CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND
OVER YOU
I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR GROUPIE
BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD
BEING COY
IF POEMS WERE PIES…
THE DAGENHAM DIVA (SELECTED BY AUDIENCE)
FRONT PAGE NEWS (AUDIENCE)
I LOVE HOW MUCH I HATE YOU (AUDIENCE)
THE KING OF RHYME
MICE TAP-DANCING
SIR SIMON DE YETI (AUDIENCE)
MY DEAD DAD
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING
THE DEPARTMENT OF SHODDY WORKMANSHIP
CAT THIEF
I WILL EAT PIES

I have already booked a slot at The Poetry Cafe for another gig on Sunday 6th September 2009, when I intend to launch the CAVEMAN LOGIC collection (if it's ready!!) I'm thinking slide-shows, powerpoint presentations, cupcake eating contests, bears dressed as Cher and dancing suet puddings - but we'll just have to see how far the budget stretches.

I'll be posting some more new poems from IF POEMS WERE PIES over the next few weeks and putting some more photos from the gig up too, most probably.

Thanks to all those who came along on sunday - I very much appreciate the support and an extra special thank you to Kirk.

Bye for now!!

Paul x

IF POEMS WERE PIES

NOW AVAILABLE!!!

Description:
A freshly baked collection of poems for 2009 from Paul Chandler, including 60 new compositions and plenty of daft photos of the writer, his friends, his pets and his pies. Contains the current favourites: THE BEAR WHO KNEW TOO MUCH, CHILLI PEPPER FINGERS, THE DAGENHAM DIVA, DISGUSTING OF TUNBRIDGE WELLS, DO KITTENS DRINK CUSTARD?, HOW IS HE?, THE KING OF RHYME, SWAGGER, TOO SLUSHY FOR SNOWMEN, A VOICE IN HIS HEAD, WHATEVER and the title verse: IF POEMS WERE PIES.

Printed: 192 pages, 6" x 9", perfect binding, black and white interior ink

Printed: £9.99 + P&P
Download: £5.00

Available to buy from: http://www.lulu.com/content/5427735

As you can see from above my new collection of verse: IF POEMS WERE PIES, is now available and I have included the title poem at the bottom of this post.

I am already very busy with the next collection and have written over 30 new poems since the beginning of the year which will be part of this next book which will be entitled: CAVEMAN LOGIC. This coming sunday, 1st March 2009 also sees me doing a gig at 7pm at The Poetry Cafe in Covent Garden, London! Do come along if you can!!

More soon - with an update next week of how the gig actually went!!

Enjoy the poem!

Yeti hugs,

Paul :)

IF POEMS WERE PIES

If poems were pies –
I'd read a lot of verse…
I'd consume a lot of rhyming –
Keep a poem in my purse…
I'd read a poem every morning –
And 12 more to just be sure…
I'd have a poem for elevenses!
Those kind of words I could endure!
If poems they were gateau –
At my heart-strings they would pull!
If poems they were pies…
Then I'd eat a whole bookshop full...

If poems were pies –
I'd queue hours for a sonnet…
I'd immerse myself in elegies –
Then I'd sprinkle thyme upon it!
I'd make a lovely suet pudding –
Maybe invite the local priest...
Then I'd celebrate great literature –
And have a really splendid feast!
Gimme Plath; her darker moments –
Oh yes, I'd happily fly through!
If poems they were pies…
Then I'd even grow to love haiku...

If poems were pies –
I would cover them in sauce…
I'd drown them all in gravy –
I would tap them out in morse!
I would read so many poems –
Until they took me in a hearse…
For me poetry is pastry!
To me pies some sacred verse!
A holy book to be consulted –
A blessed text that must be lauded!
If poems they were pies...
Then they were baked to be applauded!

If poems were pies –
I'd keep coming back for more…
I'd devour every ditty –
With an insatiable awe…
I'd have a poem served with custard –
Baked so crispy by the sun…
For it were poems made me porky!
Odes that made me weigh a ton!
Give me limericks for dinner…
Just to make sure I'll survive!
Yes, if pies were also poems…
I’d be the most well-read man alive!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Hello and welcome to 2009 - the 7th year of this blog and also the 101st post.

I'm happy to announce that the new collection: IF POEMS WERE PIES... should be ready by the start of March; hopefully in time for my first gig in London. More about that soon!

Anyway - the new book contains 62 new compositions and the one I'm posting here is, not only, the 62nd and final piece - but also the first poem I've written in 2009; completed this very day!

Anyway - it's called CAT THIEF and it's about... Well, just read on and you'll see!

I hope you enjoy it!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

CAT THIEF

I’m a Cat Thief –
I am also a cat!
I like stealing kippers –
And stuff like that!
I like beef –
I like turkey too...
But I ain’t gonna pay for it!
Hey! What you gonna do?
I’m a pick pocket –
Of a feline kind...
You better keep away from crowds;
Or else you might just find;
That your wallet’s gone –
Or that your handbag’s nicked!
‘Cos I’ve a talent for theft;
Yeah, me and crime just clicked!!

I’m a Cat Thief –
I am a felonious moggy!
I might steal your mac;
And leave you cold and soggy!
I mew loud –
But I’m full of sass –
I’m a pussy cat pirate;
Yes, I’m so bad ass!
You’ll never catch MEOW-out!
Cos, I’m mean and slinky –
And my breath is fresh;
No, me never stinky!
I’m a master criminal –
And, no, I’m never caught!
But should you give me trouble –
I’ll give you claws for thought!

I’m a Cat Thief –
I’m a wheeler dealer!
I’m more scandalous –
Than Christine Keeler!
Now you’re being catty!
Still, I’ll never fail!
If you try to protest –
I’ll tie you up with my tail!
If you leave food out –
I will steal your burger!
I’m not just a Cat Thief –
Also a Cat Burglar!
You may think you’re clever –
But I’ll not be out-witted!
To a life of crime –
I am superbly fitted!

I’m a Cat Thief –
I am also a cat!
I like stealing knickers –
What d’you think about that?
I’m not a thug –
No, I never get rough!
But I may steal your clothes –
And leave you in the buff!
No, you won’t see my coming –
No, there’s no time to shout!
Yes, I may leave you wishing –
That you’d not gone out!
I’m no hooligan –
So suave you’re smitten!
Oh, so you’d better beware;
‘Cos I’m a gangster kitten!!

A REVIEW OF NOVEMBER 2008!!

THE 100TH POST OF THIS POETIC BLOG!!!

Well, I've been saving this one up for a while - as I knew November would be busy and I also knew that the next thing I posted would be my 100th post on the blog since we began back in 2002. I won't be dwelling much at this stage on the past posts; however I am putting together a collection of all the poems that I've posted on this site over the years as a sort of retrospective and hope that'll be ready by next year. It's something I've been working on for a while and was intending to release after the 5th anniversary, last year - however it's been a bit of a back burner project and already we're nearly 2 years further down the line.

Anyway - it's been a busy month and so I'll just run you through some of it and include a new poem at the end!!

Wednesday 5th November 2008

Above. Busy on the radio again. This time in FM!

I returned to Radio Wey on this day and read the first chapter of one of my Mouse of Commons blog-adventures; GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE SANDCASTLE OF DOOM, as well as one of the new poems: THE BEAR WHO KNEW TOO MUCH, which I'd only written 2 or 3 days previously. Interviewing me was Tim Mitchell and Tim's other guests that evening were a band called The Red Stripes. We were also broadcast live on fm radio and I am told that we were live and loud as far away as a stand at an exhibition at Birmingham NEC. Which is kind of a nice thought considering my history of Birmingham and the years I spent running around the Midlands at University and beyond, filming my beloved Sutton Park series.

Thursday 6th November to Sunday 9th November 2008

Above. It would be wrong to say that I couldn't bear Oslo.

The day after the radio show, Calum, Neph and I travelled to Oslo, partly for my birthday and partly so that Neph could attend a heavy metal festival; although the band he had gone all the way to see actually never played. The weather was rather bleak and the food and drink rather expensive; but I did take a few nice photos - came up with plans for a future Mouse of Commons short story and completed one or two new poems; including one called SOLO IN OSLO...

Below. We saw all sorts of things in Oslo!

Monday 10th November 2008

My birthday! By this point we had returned to the UK and Calum and I travelled to Tunbridge Wells for a day trip and a swift burger at Gourmet Burger Kitchen. Sadly it was a rather wet old day and my duffle coat got so soaked that I was leaving little blue dye trails around the town and ended up having to buy new trousers. Just the same; I did complete a new poem called DISGUSTING OF TUNBRIDGE WELLS...

Friday 14th November to Saturday 15th November 2008

Unfortunately the book launch for GOSSIP FROM THE CHEESE COUNTER became a pre-book launch, as my proofreader, Chris, had started a busy new job and hadn't had enough time to finish all the checks. That said I had made up an unproofed copy for photo-opportunities and we returned to The Fitzroy Tavern on the friday (and again for a smaller affair on the saturday) to celebrate that and also my birthday; before going on to Popstarz for a bit of a boogie. GOSSIP FROM THE CHEESE COUNTER should be out before Christmas, but they'll be more news about that on the Mouse of Commons site soon.

Below. Lots of photos from around the time of the book launch. Thanks to Tom, Miles, Calum, Gibson, Gareth, Andrew, Harry, Steve, Neph, Ross and Lloyd and to everyone who came along to Popstarz afterwards.

Tuesday 18th November 2008

On Tuesday the 18th I headed to the Poetry Cafe near Covent Garden for their Open Mike night; which was very enjoyable and people seemed to enjoy the three poems that I read. I started with old favourite: THE TRUE LIGHT, before reading another very new poem CHILLI PEPPER FINGERS, before finishing with a more recent favourite: MY DOG IN A DRESS. Kirk did a video of my reading and I'll add a link below; thanks Kirk - I was really pleased with the video; actually I was really pleased with how much fun the whole evening was! I'm DEFINITELY going again!! :)

http://www.vimeo.com/2364144

Wednesday 19th - Thursday 20th November 2008

Above. Before the library conference...

I attended a library conference on these days in Guildford, but there was quite a lot of waiting around involved and I wrote a whole host of new poems during the two days and have continued to do so when I returned. New titles include: ANNABEL LUCRETIA, THE BALLAD OF SIR SIMON DE YETI, CREDIT-CRUNCH BOY-BAND, THE CURSE OF LOVELY LOLA, THE DAGENHAM DIVA, FRONT PAGE NEWS, GOLD-DIGGER, NICE TO KNOW, NIGHTSHADE, OH NIGHTSHADE, OLDER, NOT WISER, PLANET ADMIN, POSITION CLOSED, SEXY EXECUTIVE, TOO SLUSHY FOR SNOWMEN and A WASP IN A WIG...

Above. After the library conference...

I intend to start December off on a positive note by signing up for the next open mike session at the Poetry Cafe on Tuesday 2nd December and also working hard to get the next collection completed. I already have over 40 new pieces and am busy working on more this week and so, at this rate, I would expect to have the new book ready by February/March 2008, rather than by the summer.

Here's one of the new poems and a little bit topical, it is too - being that we are entering winter...

I began this one in February 2007, but it never really properly got off the ground...

I hope you like it!!

Thanks for everyone's support and keep reading and checking the blog over the next few months, years, decades, centuries; won't you?

Paul x


TOO SLUSHY FOR SNOWMEN…

It’s TOO slushy for snowmen…
They just sit around, it’s cruel…
Bits that once were firm fall off of them…
And they just slosh around in a pool!
It’s not fair on them, even slightly…
What sort of career path, now, is that?
When it’s TOO slushy for a snowman…
And their head melts inside their hat!


It’s TOO slushy for snowmen…
All the Christmas carols people hum…
But very soon there comes a thaw –
Then they must know the end has come…
They must know their time is fleeting!
When their noses start to run…
When it’s TOO slushy for snowmen;
Well, they curse that dratted sun!


It’s TOO slushy for snowmen…
They’re praying for the frost!
But with all these nasty milder winters;
All hope, my friend, it’s swiftly lost!
A snowball mind it floods with panic…
Suddenly life becomes a muddle!
When it’s TOO slushy for snowmen;
Well, very soon you’re just a puddle…

NEW POEM - HOT OFF THE PRESS: YOU ARE CAT-NIP TO ME...

Hello!

I think it is best that I point out, first of all, that there are no cats involved in this poem at all. However, I did think that I might share with you a few pictures of two random cats which I met whilst I was travelling in Spain, recently. The one above tried to nip my friend Neph, actually. But no harm was done. He's a cutey really. The cat, not Neph. Neph's alright, I suppose... hehe. Sorry Neph! I don't mean it! Anyway really the poem more is less concerned with felines themselves and more with their reaction to cat-nip or nepeta; which most cats seem to adore. I thought it would be fun to write a poem about somebody who finds another person quite irresistible and to compare them to cat-nip.

You can read more about the effects of cat-nip/cat-mint/nepeta at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nepeta

Anyway, this piece is a new poem, hot off the press - I only wrote it on the train into work, this morning. It will probably appear in the new book of poems: IF POEMS WERE PIES in 2009; of which I have already written about 20 poems, so far. YOU ARE CAT-NIP TO ME is a little bit racy compared to my recent fare and was written for a friend. I had some really nice comments from friends who have read it, so far, today and so I have decided to share it with you.

According to Blogger, this is the 99th post on this site since I began it in April 2002 - so the next one will my century!! I'd better make it a good one...

Enjoy the poem - but before I go I would just like to publically wish my fabulous and perfect cat, Mr Deeley, a happy 4th birthday. I was away in Spain and so missed the terrific party that my flatmate, Calum, threw for the boy's big day. Apparently 4 in cat years is 32 in our years!! He's so grown up now!!

Anyway, more soon!


Paul xx



YOU ARE CAT-NIP TO ME…
(21/10/2008)


You are cat-nip to me…
I don't mean you're a plant…
That is grown in the garden -
By some poor maiden aunt!
I just mean I'm attracted…
In a way that I'm liking…
You are cat-nip to me…
And you're beefy - you're striking!
In a way beyond logic…
You send my brain in a whirr…
You are cuddle contagious…
I'm even starting to purr!
May my dreams every night…
Be just you; in the buff...
You are cat-nip to me…
I simply can't get enough…

You are cat-nip to me…
Yes, you make my heart flutter…
May I please to seduce you…
Might I drench you in butter?
But you're naturally yummy…
Yes, and juicy as hell…
You are cat-nip to me…
And you do it so well!
Yes, my knees go all shaky…
And my heart skips a beat…
I get hot; I get sweaty…
Like some old dog in heat…
You are cat-nip to me…
You are woofy; I'm mew-wy…
If you were a cool cartoon character -
You would be Hong Kong Phooey…

You are cat-nip to me…
I have a reaction that's strong…
You give out a sweet scent…
Which in no way is a pong!
I just can't get my fill -
Of your bits, oh so naughty…
You are cat-nip to me…
Soon I'll be pushing forty…
You're alluring; mysterious…
You look fabulous naked…
If you rolled in a puddle -
You'd look great; muddy cake-d…
You are better than thyme,
Twelve times better than clover…
You are cat-nip to me…
Might I kiss you all over?

You are cat-nip to me…
You make me ever-so flirty…
The things I'd like us to do…
They are really quite dirty…
But not in a bad way…
I've a particular theme…
You are cat-nip to me…
Can I bring squirty cream?
Can I bring something slinky?
My mind spins on its axis…
Something flimsy to tear off…
Velcro-lined; for quick access…
You are cat-nip to me…
I will answer all phone calls…
Now I'm done with life's kittens…
So, will you show me your fur-balls?

Here are some more photos of Spanish cats that I met on my recent trip. I would like to emphasize that none of them produced any - erm - fur-balls. At least, not to my knowledge.

SOME MORE VIDEOS...

I recorded three new poems yesterday, from my 2002/2003 compilation collection: THIRD & 4TH TIMES LUCKY and I intend to post them up on here. The first one is a piece from 2002 called GOOD HUG and you can watch it here - I'll post the other two later this week! Thanks to Kirk for his help with the recording! :)

Enjoy!!!

Paul x

OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER!! NEW POEM!!

Hello,

I have another new poem for you all, hot off the press. I've been writing quite a few new ones this last fortnight and am currently working on some poems with the following titles: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED..., PLANET ADMIN, I DON'T FEEL THAT KIND OF LOVE ANYMORE, MY DEAD DAD, DAZZLE THEM WITH YOUR BEAUTY, THE BALLAD OF SIR SIMON DE YETI, THE LULLABY OF THE HAGGISH and A WASP IN A WIG. These are all ones I'm working on and are not yet complete...

The piece I want to post today, however, is pretty much complete - although it is a first draft; but I don't think I'll change much before it appears in my next book of poems sometime in 2009, hopefully.

It's called OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER and was written last night in the O'Neill's Bar in Woking, whilst my friends Julie, James and Calum watched the Spurs Vs Newcastle Match. (I'm told Spurs won 2-1, but I was too poetically challenged at the time to notice!!)

Anyway - enjoy the new poem. :)

Paul x

OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER…
(24/09/2008)

You’re old enough to know better…
Riding naked upon your Lambretta…
Flashing your modesty freely…
Or molesting the Bishop of Ely!
As you simper and smile at him sweetly…
Well, you’re letting the side down;
Completely.

You are old enough, but you’re naughty…
If you’re caught – you act outraged and haughty!
You look cross and pretend you’re not fickle!
Whilst your fingers reach in for a tickle…
You are filthy – a stranger to culture…
You are greedy; like some sex-obsessed vulture!

You are old enough to know manners…
So stop stalking me waving those banners…
Shouting; “You can have me; but can you afford me?
If you can then please rampantly board me…”
You old harlot, you, ever so slutty…
Like an acorn you’re round and you’re nutty…

You are old enough to make trouble…
To reduce solid fixtures to rubble…
To send shivers down spines made of iron…
To shake shoulders constructed to cry on…
Seems you scare all the bold and the plucky…
With insinuations that border on mucky…

You are old enough to set an example…
Not to be breathalised or giving a sample…
You’re so wicked you make devils embarrassed…
You make freaks feel unsettled and harassed…
You get worse every day; not for turning…
One would hope there’s some lesson you’re learning…

You are old enough to know better…
On the prowl with your faithful red setter…
On the pull though you’re quite prehistoric…
Really scary and twee and demonic…
Out there doing things I dare not to mention…
You should know better; you're drawing a pension...

Thanks to Kirk R. for taking the photo. Copyright 2008.

NEW POEM - HOT OFF THE PRESS!!

Hi,

This is a new poem, just finished today - and only really a first draft and will hopefully appear in my next full collection in 2009, tentatively entitled PIE-TRY IN MOTION. It's a bit like a Guy Ritchie film. In rhyme. Actually, it's probably nothing like one at all - but it is about revenge. Best served cold, of course - rather like certain tasty pies, as it happens! :) Oh yes!

If you've not seen the photos from the recent book launch then please see the previous post.

Enjoy!

Paul x

SWAGGER
(16/09/08)

He's got a definite swagger…
The way that he walks…
Charms all whom he speaks with…
It’s just the way that he talks!
It's the way that he woos them…
The way he can smile…
They dream he's their future…
Soon to head up that aisle…
He's got a definite something –
That is hard to surmise!
From the cut of his suit –
To the shoes that he buys…
He's got a glint in his eye…
He's a born again blagger…
As he dives on the dance-floor;
With his signature swagger…

He's got a nonchalant saunter…
Like the cat with the cream –
He's some poor girl's worst nightmare!
He's some brother's wet dream…
He's so full of himself –
But he won't fill up you;
Like a balloon keeps inflating;
His ego just grew.
He might miss your birthday –
But he won't miss a trick…
Needs his attitude punctured –
What a smooth-talking prick…
He's got his master-plan sorted –
His wit sharp as a dagger…
Thinks he's Mister Terrific!
Cheap celebrity shagger…

He's got a self-satisfied stride…
But let's see his mask slip!
Kick him hard in the ankles…
Just to see that brat trip!
He's just too picture perfect…
He's just built to annoy…
I'll get his blood on my hands -
But keep playing it coy…
Let him have his cruel fun!
Let the man misbehave…
I've been down in the woods -
Digging him a nice shallow grave…
Such a talentless freak;
Sweet invincible bragger…
Well, I'm removing the skip -
From his insufferable swagger…

He's got an arrogant swagger -
But he's run out of time…
It is some kind of miracle -
That he's not seen the sign…
Well, I'm getting the boys in…
And he's set in their sights…
When he ripped out my heart -
He went and checked out his rights…
See him choke in disgust…
On the bitter sweet taste -
Of his own medicine -
All the air that he stole was a terrible waste…
Put a gun to his head…
See the fear in his stagger…
A quick tweak of the trigger should -
Soon put an end to his swagger...

Thanks to Chris and Amber for the use of the photo of their fox; Fleabag - who also appears in a forthcoming Mouse of Commons story. I thought the character in the poem was probably as cunning as a fox. Hence the connection! :)