BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON 4 OUT NOW!!!

THE 4TH AND FINAL SEASON IS RELEASED!!

Hello beasties!!

This time we will finally be celebrating the release of the 4th season of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS... In fact, let's get started - here we go - first up details of the book and where it can be found to purchase and then four extracts, one from each of the scripts...

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Season 4 is the fourth and final season of the series and is made up of 4 extended scripts which concern a number of curious characters; an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Along the way we also meet a number of old foes and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! All is not well this time around - and by the end of the season one of the main characters will meet a grisly end. These scripts, written during 2014, brings us to the end of an era for The Beast Of Friends!

Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/paperback/product-22361059.html £6.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/hardcover/product-22361072.html  £14.99

There is also a bumper version featuring all 4 seasons in one place...

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Seasons 1 to 4 is a compilation of all the scripts from the 4 seasons that make up the series. The scripts concern a number of curious characters; among them an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Other than these "bunch of weirdoes" we meet a number of old foes, a yeti with dubious ethics, a number of ghosts, a meddling mother and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! This is the very first time that these scripts, published between 2012 and 2015, have appeared in the same place.



























Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/paperback/product-22361053.html £14.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/hardcover/product-22361068.html £19.99

SCRIPT ONE: CRIMES OF PASSION... (EXTRACT)

KATRINA WATCHES FROM THE STAIRWELL AS THEIR GUESTS - ROLAND AND VELMA MAKE TO LEAVE, SHE PRETENDS TO BE APPLYING LIPSTICK, BUT IS ACTUALLY SUCKING IT DISTRACTEDLY – HER EYES ARE FIXED ON VELMA WHOM SHE IS TRYING TO VIEW IN HER HAND MIRROR; HOWEVER WHAT SHE SEES LEAVES HER TWICE AS SHOCKED.

KATRINA: (alarmed)

Oh! That’s unpleasant… I mean us witches used to get a bad rap for what we did in the past but considering how many non-witches ended up burnt… Wow!

HORNER: (rudely)

Thank you… Thank you… Goodbye now…

THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS BEHIND VELMA AND ROLAND – WARREN APPROACHES KATRINA AND HORNER LOOKING QUITE EXCITED...

WARREN: (urgently)

Katrina… Tell Horner what you just told me… Katrina! Did you hear me?

KATRINA: (mutters to self)

Oh my… My oh my oh my… OH MY!

HORNER: (distracted)

Those dratted people! How dare they just come here like this… What is it Katrina?

KATRINA: (quite distressed)

It’s macabre… Things are even worse for him now than when we first met him… She got a complete hold of him and he doesn’t even seem to notice…

HORNER: (a little more focussed)

Katrina… Listen, now! What do you know about these people? You need to tell me and we need to make sure that Colin knows that they’re after him too…

WARREN: (encouragingly)

Go on… Tell them what you did to Roland…

KATRINA: (trying not to ramble)

Alright! Alright… I will… But it’s not just him… It’s her too… She… She has no reflection – Velma… She’s a vampire – I haven’t seen one up in London for quite a while… They were the “new” witch at the turn of the century as far as taboos were concerned! She’s one of those new-fangled ones too who can go out in the sun!

SCRIPT TWO: CRIMES OF PASSION... (EXTRACT)

MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE ROAD COPERNICUS AND KATRINA ARE SQUASHED UP INSIDE A PHONE BOOTH WATCHING THE HOUSE AS THE CAR PULLS UP TO PICK UP FAKE KATRINA… CONSIDERING THAT HE IS A GHOST COPERNICUS IS TAKING UP RATHER MORE SPACE THAN ONE WOULD EXPECT AND KATRINA IS FEELING QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE…

COPERNICUS: (almost applauding)

Everything seems to be going okay so far… That’s a relief, I must say…

KATRINA: (reflecting)

I can’t help but think that your friend, Mr Quaverall must really hate me… I can’t believe how I got away with all the wicked things that I did back in my youth…

COPERNICUS: (having not properly heard)

What now?

KATRINA: (sadly)

Roland… He must really really hate me – for killing him…

COPERNICUS: (trying to cheer her up)

I don’t think so… Well, not any more – that’s nearly half a century ago… He’s had lots of adventures since then – it’s just that they occurred after his death…

KATRINA:

I feel I should say sorry… I was so different then… He was nothing to me – just an opponent who pretty quickly was lying there before me choking on a jelly fish…

COPERNICUS:

There can't be that many people who can say that they've had that experience...

SCRIPT THREE: THE SCANDAL-MONGERS... (EXTRACT)

KATRINA: (snapping back, but grinning)

When I used to ride about on my broomstick I always used to take a cat with me… Sadly they never had very good balance and used to fall off.

LUCY: (muttering away to herself)

I thought cats were meant to have GREAT balance… Isn’t that one of their things – or am I thinking of monkeys? Well, I guess they’re definitely good at balancing because you see them up trees running around – do you think that maybe they wear Velcro on their paws or something? Although wouldn’t that mean that someone would have to put Velcro up the trees too – so the two layers would stick together!?

KATRINA: (losing patience now)

Lucy – I have no idea… I think monkeys are just naturally good at the running around trees thing – no hidden magic required… But we were talking about cats…

LUCY: (focusing on the topic of the moment)

They like trees too, don’t they? Anyway, so yours used to fall off your broom?

KATRINA: (nodding)

Most Witches’ cats hang on – but not these ones… That was my fault – I scrimped on good puss – you live and learn! Rather foolishly I used to get mine second-hand!

LUCY: (surprised)

Second-hand cats? Where from exactly?

 KATRINA: (glibly)

The second-hand cat store… It really is that simple…

LUCY:

The second-hand cat store? That’s an actual place?! Okay… Why DID you get them second-hand? Were they old? Cheap? Lacking in posture? Perpetually asleep?

KATRINA: (confirming all those suggestions)

All of those things and usually they were slightly incontinent too…

LUCY:

But WHY? Why did it all go so badly wrong for you?

KATRINA: (chuckling)

Well, I don’t really like cats! I just felt I ought to have one… For appearances sake!

LUCY: (having considered this)

You wanted them to suffer a bit, perhaps?

KATRINA: (feeling slightly guilty)

Maybe… That’s awful, isn’t it!?

SCRIPT FOUR: FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES... (EXTRACT)

MEANWHILE, NOT SO VERY FAR A WAY A MAINTAINANCE MAN IS ENTERING THE SEWERS FROM A MAN-HOLE ABOVE. HE LOOKS AROUND AND NOTES A RUSTY PIPE IN THE SHADOWS – TICKING IT OFF ON A LIST AS HE EXAMINES IT… ALL OF A SUDDEN SOMETHING DISTRACTS HIM…

SOUND: (bellowing bovinely)

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

MAN: (furiously, yet nervous too)

HEY!?! What’s that? Bloody kids… Come out and show yourselves… What’s going on? Who’s keeping cows down in these sewers? That’s illegal!

SOUND:

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

MAN:

Come out and show yourselves… There you are… What gorgeous cows… Who brought you here… Just come closer – let me stroke you… You look gorgeous.

VELMA SUDDENLY STEPS OUT OF THE SHADOWS BEHIND THEM…

VELMA: (succinctly, decisively)

These cows are mine… What business is it of yours?

MAN: (becoming quite cocky)

You can’t keep them here – you’re not even meant to be down here – let alone your livestock! If you don’t get them out of here then I’ll get the law on you…

 VELMA: (spiteful, spitting her words)

I really don’t think you will… Who do you think you’re speaking to? You have no right to command me; I’ll do what I wish! I wouldn’t start threatening me either – my friends here are very protective of me; I wouldn’t shove them if I were you…

 MAN: (not completely paying attention)

Why not? I’m just trying to get them out of the way… It’s what you do with cattle!

VELMA:

They have been known to take a bite out of people if taken by surprise…

MAN:

Here, pretty cows… Come to daddy… Just you wait until I get the law on you, missus… You’re going to be in such trouble… Come on now… Pretty cows…

THE MAN REACHES OUT FOR THE CLOSEST COW WHO HAS BEEN LICKING THE MOSSY SEWER FLOOR – AS IT LOOKS UP HE REALISES THAT THE COW IS FAR FROM NORMAL; IT’S FACE IS HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED, WITH AN ALMOST EVIL EXPRESSION – ITS TEETH ARE SHARP FANGS…

MAN: (breathless, shocked)

V,V,V,VAMPIRE C,C,COWS…

VELMA LAUGHS – THE MAN’S SCREAMS ECHO DOWN THE TUNNEL...

Finally, moving on from THE BEAST OF FRIENDS I am expecting to release the first seasons of the two spin-off seasons in either January or February - so keep yours eyes open for news on that. I won't write about it yet as If I do I might give away a couple of spoilers... But soon!!

Next time, I'll either be building up to or reporting back from my one and only gig of 2015, which takes place at The Poetry Café of Thursday 29th October... It all depends on how much time I have... Once that show is done we reach that time of year again where I am due to go away for my birthday and I am hoping to take plenty of photographs and write another Horner diary piece which may or may not explore the mystery of the candy-floss eating zombie from my previous Devon story from a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, more soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

All content of this post is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015

MORE BEASTLINESS... COMING SOON!

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON FOUR (A PREVIEW)

Hello beasties!

This week I'm going to give you a little run-through of the four double-episodes that make up the 4th and final season of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS... This year, I've been moving almost as slowly on my writing projects as I have on my actual bandaged legs at the moment (long story!), but I have finally completed the proofreading of the final script and have just sent off for a test copy from lulu.com before I release it in a few weeks time. As for what comes next I can't really tell you much about the spin-off series until season 4 is released - so let's just focus on the last four scripts of the BEAST instead.

SCRIPT 1: CRIMES OF PASSION

Just as Colin's life hangs in the balance he receives a visitor who appears to know the future. Meanwhile, the house is full  of strangers - but what exactly they want is hard to fathom; although it would appear that one of them doesn't actually have a reflection...

 

This script introduces some new characters - one of them a new foe who appears throughout this final season - while the others are colleagues of Copernicus Smith and may be familiar to those who already know my work... Colin is still in hospital and still in danger - but will the enemy make her move or will things be trickier than that? This season there are only four scripts - but they are double-length episodes. In a way this way good for developing character interactions, especially during the final season of the series - but generally I prefer to write the short length episodes. As much as I like writing dialogue I am also a big fan of busy plot-lines and it is easier to write those when you have regular cliff-hangers to work to every 10 to 15 pages.

 

SCRIPT 2 : A JOURNEY TO THE OTHER SIDE...



Katrina decides to accept her fate and will accompany Roland and his associates back to the other side – however unknown to Horner, Warren and Colin it is not Katrina but Velma who has accepted this plan. Meanwhile, Nigel tries to match-make Warren with Copernicus, whilst the real Katrina realises that rules are sometimes there to be broken when she is offered a way out – but with a catch…

There is a lot of game playing in this episode - but just who knows what and who is completely oblivious. One way or another nobody is going to get exactly what they would like - especially not "the friends". This script also features a character from the third season who is due to play a big part in the last two scripts of this season. It was nice to have Copernicus, Roland and Nigel to work with in this episode - as they are characters that I have written about for twenty five years. I have returned to a number of other old characters from the same era whilst writing HOT STUFF!! one of the new spin-off series from BEAST. 

SCRIPT 3: THE SCANDALMONGERS...
 

Lots of bad things are going on… Somebody is causing trouble for Horner, Warren and Colin – whilst Katrina must deal with her problems without them. Two old adversaries return – one a member of the press – the other one is a real mother…

I enjoyed writing this script most of all this series and it was nice to have some returning characters - one in particular that is especially close to my heart, although I can't really reveal who right now. This episode also sees Katrina doing her best to solve the problems of the household - even when she can't be living there in person. Things are starting to unravel and events build to a conclusion that will be resolve one way or another in the final script of the season. I got to have a lot of fun writing this script - but was also keen to reflect on some of Katrina's personal battles; aware that I needed to be careful with balancing the serious with the silly and not going too far either way. 

SCRIPT 4:  FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES

Life is completely upside down! Horner has been dragged into the sewers by a creature that came up his bath plug-hole. Katrina has just strangled Ashley. Colin and Lucy are facing an unknown terror in the basement of the pawn shop. Shy Yeti is on the run and Warren hears bad news from Copernicus and Co… That’s only the tip of the ice-berg in what we present here as the very last episode of Beast.

Ah well, so the episode summary above gives away the two returning foes from script 3 - Ashley and Shy Yeti; but maybe things are not quite as they seem. Ashley doesn't appear very much in this script - however Shy Yeti does make a cameo; I do so like getting to mock myself! There are a number of other returning characters in this final episode - but, I can reveal, nothing from Cromitty and Clive - two of the main characters who I sent packing in the second season and then exploded to high heaven during the third season. The cast they are a-changing, with Lucy now part of the main team, but I also remained strong when it came to killing off a main character towards the end of the episode. I definitely continued to mix the dramatic with the daft - a rather silly beast or two to balance the tragedy of a key character being killed off. As I wrote the ending I saw it more as the end of a chapter, rather than the end of everything; especially as I had already begun work on the spin-off series by this stage. Oh yes, and then there's one other thing I still had to write - THE BEAST OF FRIENDS MOVIE SCRIPT!!! But more about that another time...

Next time - it's almost the big day... THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON 4 is due out  the week beginning 12th October - but firstly I have a trip to Devon to share with you... There will be photos - some chitter-chat and hopefully a short story involving the character of Horner from BEAST as he goes to seek the advice of THE MYSTIC CATS OF TORQUAY!!! I kid ye not...

More soon! Yeti hugs, Paul xx
 

All contents of this post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015.

NOW IT'S TIME TO TELL YOU ABOUT...

NOT AS SHY AS I WAS!

Hello beasties!

A new book? What, you say, already? Didn't ARE WE THERE, YETI? only come out last week?

Well, yes... Yes it did and just in case you forgot, here's all about it... AGAIN!

ARE WE THERE, YETI? contains over 100 pieces, mostly short stories, a few sketches and a dozen or so poems. Some of them are funny, some sad, some quirky, some plain creepy. They are stories that Paul Chandler (a.k.a. Shy Yeti) wrote between July and December 2011; much of it during his summer and autumn trips to the States. Poems include: GLUE TO MEND A BROKEN HEART, NEVER TRUST A SKINNY FISH AND CHIP MAN, INVITE A YETI ROUND FOR TEA, IS IT CHRISTMAS ALREADY!?, JOHN – I’M ONLY RHYMING, MY LONG LOST FRIEND and the title verse. Stories include: THE CREEPY SHOW, A CUP OF SUGAR, RATTLESNAKES, SANTA’S BIT ON THE SIDE and A YETI HISTORY LESSON OF HOLLYWOOD.

Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/are-we-there-yeti/12734066 £9.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/are-we-there-yeti/13615283 £15.99

Just so you know, the cover that appears at the top of the page isn't the finished cover, but an earlier version that I had considered when the book was originally due to be released back in autumn 2012. In the end I decided I wanted more colour photographs of me pulling daft faces - photos that appeared in the book and had been taken in the States where a lot of the poems and prose had been written too. The awesome cover artwork that appears on this earlier version by Pete K has appeared on a number of my other projects and is a regular title picture used during the end credits of many of my SHY YETI ON LOCATION episodes over the last few months.

I'll probably still post a couple more bits and pieces from the book nearer the time of the Poetry Cafe show to celebrate it in April. However I would like to begin telling you a bit more about the next collection now, which is nowhere near ready to be published, but is all written and will hopefully be available by the autumn...

Before we move on to the next collection I have a couple of other nice announcements...

On Wednesday 13th February 2013, our MRSHYYETI Youtube channel finally passed the 20,000 hits mark - needless to say I'm very pleased; this doesn't even include all the hits that we have on Vimeo too! We've already got another 300 + hits on top of that since reaching that landmark... To really take on board what an achievement for us this is let me just put it this way. Basically we have doubled our viewing figures in six months. We reached 10,000 hits back in August 2012 and it took two and a half years to reach that figure and only six short months to double it! Well, done viewing beasties - you've made me a very happy yeti fella, indeed. Keep watching and let's see how long it takes us to make 30,000 hits!!

Before I tell you about the next book I also have a new video to announce...

A YETI BACK IN DORSET was the last SHY YETI ON LOCATION video filmed in 2012 and the first to be filmed in 2013. In this episode Mr Yeti returns to the location of the very first SHY YETI ON LOCATION episode, that he posted back in January 2010. The episode includes 3 older poems, FROM THE MIND OF A TURNIP, DARK HORSE and A GAP IN THE MARKET from the forthcoming 10th anniversary edition of his fourth collection, GO 4TH AND DIVIDE - and one new (as yet unpublished piece) TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI. The episode was mainly filmed on the Dorset coast near Swanage, with a couple of short interludes back in Surrey. There are more yeti dances in this episode than in any previous edition of SHY YETI ON LOCATION. Camera: Paul Chandler, Calum Williamson Harry Fulton, Paul Hillier and Toby Warburton. Editing: Paul Chandler. Music: Luca and Spooky Yeti. All Copyright on this episode belongs to Paul Chandler, 2013. There will be more Yeti episodes coming soon!

Youtube: http://youtu.be/4W_ImFpmzUI

Vimeo: https://vimeo.com/59888941

This new episode is also our 100TH on the MRSHYYETI Youtube page - there are a few more included on the SHYYETI Vimeo account, as this site was the original home of yeti videos, as established back in the Summer of 2008.

Anyway, now it's time to turn back to NOT AS SHY AS I WAS... All I intend to share on this occasion are the titles. The writing for the collection finished back in the autumn, but there is still a lot to be done before the book is published. Some of the titles you may recognise as a number of the pieces have been posted here on this blog during 2012 when they were new - a number of others have appeared (or will appear soon) in SHY YETI ON LOCATION episodes too! I'll discuss them all in detail closer to the time, of course - but here is the line-up in full. At least as it stands at the moment. There aren't as many as 100 pieces in this collection, but there are a fair number, with a mixture of poems, prose and stories; with a little more of an even balance on this occasion between each type.

Here are the titles:

ANOTHER YETI POEM
AUNTIE ASTRID GOES TO GERMANY...
AT THE STRIKE OF MIDNIGHT...
AUTUMN’S COMING
THE BALLAD OF DEAD-EYED BOB...
THE BEAST OF FRIENDS (A POEM)
BEE-SOTTED
THE BRIDGE
BRITISH SUMMERTIME IS HERE
COME FOR TEA
COMING UNRAVELLED
CRACKING THE CRACKLESS EGG
DANCING KEEPS YOU YOUNG
DIFFICULT SECOND ALBUM
A DOLL’S LIFE
DRUNK ELK
AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
EVIL IVY
THE FALL-OUT SHELTER
FOR ALL TO SEE...
FROM WHERE I STAND...
GLAMOUR, AT ALL TIMES
GOTH’S DAY OFF
HELLO! HELLO! I’M HALLOWEEN...
A HUGE DECISION
I AM SICK (BUT DO I WANNA BE CURED?)
I’M A JELLY-FISH...
I CLEANED OUT MY DIRTY MIND...
IF I CAN’T HAVE A BULLDOG...
I LOST MY HEART TO A CORNISH PASTY (A SONG)
I THINK I USED TO BE A DOG
IT WAS ME...
JACK FROST’S CHILLI DIET
“JIIIIIIIIIIIM!?”
A JOB AT THE COUNCIL
THE LEAK
A LITTLE COMPANY
LOVES A GOOD CURRY
THE MAN-EATER OF SURREY GREEN
MANDATORY TRAINING
THE MELTING SNOWMAN
MINE OWN MINOTAUR (A SONG)
MISTER MOSQUITO
MIST YOU
MORE IS NOT ALWAYS MORE
MY BAGGAGE AND THE BEAST
NATIONAL TREASURE
A NICE HOT BATH
NOT AS SHY AS I WAS...
ON THE EDGE
PATIENCE IS THE KEY
QUEEN OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON
SAMSON’S UNRULY STREAK
SHAVING WEREWOLVES
SHE’S OUR BOSS
SOMETHING’S UP WITH ROCKY LOBSTER
SPRITELY AND STATUESQUE
A TART IN PRUDE’S CLOTHING
TOUCHWOOD (A MONOLOGUE)
THE TRUTH ABOUT CAKE
A UNICORN AT BREAKFAST
VISION
A WAKE-UP CALL
THE WALKING SEQUIN
THE WEDDING BREAKFAST
WE’RE ALL JUST BRAINS...
WHAT LIES WITHIN...
WHEN TODAY’S MODERN ARTISTS ARE NO LONGER MODERN
WIGS AND CO...
THE WORLD’S BEST WORSTEST DANCER
THE WORLD IS FULL OF BULLIES
A YETI IN A HAT
A YOUNG HEAD ON OLD SHOULDERS
YOUR CAKE-ADDLED MIND
ZOMBIE FLICKS ARE THE NEW ROM-COM

As well as the usual photos, this collection also contains artwork by two - hopefully three illustrators. But more about that nearer the time of publication.

Next week we'll be celebrating our 250th post and I'll be sharing some photos from a recent filming session, not to mention posting a recently completed poem... I will also have news about which yeti series I'll be editing next and details about a new filming location for later in the year! But that's it for now - more soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. Who could this person on the right be? Yes... It's me and my friend Nick Goodman when I was in the sixth year at Salisbury's Bishop Wordsworth's School - circa 1991. I'd better ask Nick, he would know exactly to the day, most probably!



This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.

ARE WE THERE, YETI?

MORE PROSE, I SUPPOSE...

Hello beasties!

How have you been? Well, I trust?

Before we return to discuss the new book I intend to cover what I've been up to since my last post. My main success is finishing the new book, ARE WE THERE, YETI? which is now on its way to Lulu.com for me to receive a draft copy and then hopefully I'll release it week beginning Monday 11th February. I've also been making some headway with the new video, SHY YETI RETURNS TO DORSET and have managed to get the footage down from over an hour to around 25 minutes; it'll take a while longer - but should be ready in the next week or so. Other than that I've been tinkering about with a few poems that I came up with titles for a couple of years ago, but which I never got around to actually writing... These titles include INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, IT ONLY TAKES A MOUSE TO SNEEZE, DIAMONDS ARE ALL VERY WELL, BUT PIES TASTE NICER, THE YETI POET LAUREATE, THE GIRL OF YOUR NIGHTMARES and THE CAKEOCALYPSE... I also started a piece called A VERY GOOD FRIEND - A VERY BAD LOVER and completed a short story over the weekend called, INFORMATION IS A WONDERFUL THING...

Moving on... This week we continue our discussion of the new book by looking at the other prose pieces in the new collection. Last week we reached the letter I and so this week we start from J with a little piece called JELLY-BABY...

JELLY-BABY

It's amazing how something as simple as offering a jelly baby to a stranger can cause so much grief...

JITTERS

It's easy to get the jitters when you are about to make a big decision - even when it's a decision like the one involved in this short sketch...

L.A. AND I (GET ON JUST FINE, THANK YOU...)

Not everyone sees L.A. as the glamorous solution to all their wildest dreams - it's all about how you see the place and whether you let it know who's boss.

LOSING YOUR MEMORY ISN’T ALWAYS A BAD THING...

Sometimes it's better not to remember the past - sometimes ignorance really IS bliss!

A MOURNING YAWN

It is a very sad day at the zoo... One of the chief keepers has died and at memorial service all the animals are keen to point their claws at a very likely suspect!

A NEW BOOK IN THE FAMILY

Buying a second hand book comes with responsibilities - it's whether you are prepared to take them or not...

NOM, NOM, NOM

Cruising the customers is just a perk of the job when you work in a large supermarket - but some people just take this perk a little too far!

PART OF THE FAMILY

When Marty the bulldog is introduced as the latest member of the family - wily feline, Ava, volunteers to show him the ropes, whilst also getting the most out of the new arrival as is possible!

A PHOTO, FALLEN...

Some people think that when your photo is taken that your soul is trapped in the picture! The truth might not be quite so alarming... Or is it!?!

RATTLESNAKES!!!

It's all very well people being afraid of snakes - but have you ever considered how scary it is when you ARE one?

REHAB... FOR CANNIBALS!

Life as a cannibal can get a bit out of hand - which is why a number of them go to rehab to wean themselves off human flesh! But such good intentions don't always work out so smoothly...

RICH PICKINGS

Sometimes underhand pranks can back-fire and when they do you may not get the chance to live to regret them, either.

RING, RING...

Exactly how much does it matter if you are unfaithful to your partner when you are dreaming? It's all a matter of perspective!

RUNNING LATE...

First dates can be funny beasts - this one doesn't exactly take the biscuit - no, something far more valuable is being lined up!

SANTA’S BIT ON THE SIDE

Keira has a very interesting lover... He only comes once a year, but she enjoys every moment of their time together!

A SEAT ON THE WING

Travelling on the wing of a plane to your destination might not seem the most obvious thing to do, but one who has tried this mode of transport reports back, with constructive comments, about the merits of such a wild form of travel!

A SENSE OF STYLE

If a ballerina is about to be murdered then she will insist on dying with grace and with style!

THE SERIAL KILLER OF LITTLE ITALY

The story of a serial killer who lives in Little Italy in San Diego... His only problem is that he possibly likes eating the Italian food more than he actually likes killing!

THE SHAME OF A MIDDLE-CLASS BONNIE AND CLYDE

Sometimes even the most clean-nosed middle-class person can get drawn into trouble - especially when cake is involved!

SO IRRITATING!!!

Sometimes little things can be irritating and sometimes irritating things can snowball and build up into major frustrations and then, sometimes, those major frustrations can overflow into something particularly nasty...

STATUE ESQ.

Here is your introduction to a new company that has a very interesting service to offer... It's name is STATUE ESQ. and it provides slightly unconventional statues to be used in the gardens of large country-homes. Sounds dull? It's really not. STATUE ESQ. is a firm run by gorgons.

STATUS SYMBOLS

A rich man's dream of buying an desert island goes slightly... off-course, let us say!

TAKE CARE WHEN GIVING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

You really do need to take care when buying Christmas presents - especially if you intend to deal out a lesson in revenge...

TOAST!!!

A tragic tale of an unconventional wedding toast!

A TRAGIC DEMISE

Death comes to us all - but not many people meet their maker in quite such an odd fashion as does the gentleman in this short sketch...

TRICK OR...

Halloween really isn't the time to be annoying your neighbours... especially the spooky ones!

THE TRUE LIGHT (PROSE VERSION)

THE TRUE LIGHT is one of my own favourite poems, as it's the one that kick-started my passion for verse when I returned to it in 2001. To celebrate its 10th anniversary I wrote an extended prose version of the piece - which concerns one "cheating" partner begging to be forgiven...

TURN AND TURN AGAIN

Do you like your boss? Not everybody does, but not that many people do anything about it... Sometimes those feelings of dislike work both ways, however.

THE UNPUBLISHED NOVEL

A creepy tale of what shifts and changes can occur to an unpublished novel if it is left to sit on the shelf for years...

A VERY SHY PSYCHOPATH

Some psychopaths are shyer than others...

THE WAR AGAINST RED TAPE

We all encounter red tape on a daily basis at work - but things just seem to get worse as time goes on...

THE WEDDING PLANNER

When you're booking a wedding sometimes you need to be extra careful about who exactly is responsible for what in arranging the big day...

WEIRD WIDE WEB

Back in 2000 when this was written, the internet was still quite a curiousity for a lot of people and it wasn't that common for people to have their own connections at home... Not only that but you were never entirely sure what you might see when you "surfed the web..."

WHAT GOES AROUND…

Friends come and go - but some friends return after a long period of time. However, sometimes, those people have changed so much that you barely recognise what you ever saw in the person... Occasionally, you get back the friend that you truly deserve.

THE WRONG PEN

One person's useless pen is another's pride and joy... Sometimes it's just a case of finding the right owner, but how would you feel if you were the actual pen in question?

A YETI HISTORY LESSON OF HOLLYWOOD

Far in the future Mama Yeti takes her family on a trip to show them an over-grown city which was once known at "Hollywood..."

Next week we'll discuss the poems that are included in the new book and also finally trumpet the release, ARE WE THERE, YETI? itself, as it'll definitely be out that week. I'm going to leave you with a piece from the new book called THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE. This one came to me whilst I was half-asleep during a visit to Los Angeles - it wouldn't let me sleep, so I had to go and make some notes on it. I hope you enjoy it.


More soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE



I’m an old dude now…
I get to be cranky - I get to say whatever I want!
Although it is also your right to ignore me –
I know that my views still get to you…
Deep down, despite your devil-may-care attitude!
It registers; whether you admit it or not…
Whether those views of mine are really – actually – my views or not!
I like to say them anyhow – to get a reaction…
It is part of the hypocrisy of getting older –
I can say stuff that I don’t actually believe in;
That shames you in some way, perhaps…
I can down right lie…
I’m an old dude now and you don’t know any better!
When I was your age they had us working down the pit…
Cleaning out chimneys with our bare hands – with our tongues!
We were proud to fight for our country…
It made men of us; whatever that actually means.
Kids these days don’t know they’re born…
They don’t know how easy they’ve got it!
When I was six I was manning my own tank across enemy lines…
When I was ten I single-handedly saved a whole city from certain death –
And led them to safety across mountain wildernesses; without a map.
Kids these days don’t know any better –
Part of them, wisely, doesn’t believe me – nor cares…
But the other part secretly does. Just in case. Not liking to be wrong.
That part says, “He’s an old dude… Old dudes don’t lie… ‘Cos they’re OLD!
He must actually have done everything that he claims…”
It makes them feel that little more useless about their own sorry lives!
Which in turn makes me feel a little better about mine…
They allow me to spout out my nonsense – my cranky hypocrisy…
Despite none of it being true – despite none of it actually happening;
Except the one or two bits that really did.
I was no more a veteran of war than your pet dog was…
I no more believe any of that stuff than your pet cat does…
I spent my youth smoking, drinking, chasing pretty girls and handsome men…
Or, at least, trying to – just like you do!
We have more in common than you ever realise…
But I’m an old dude –
And I want you know how much harder I had it.
Just to screw with your mind, like people once did to me…
Consider it a free service – your turn will come.
All too soon.

THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE comes from the new Shy Yeti / Paul Chandler collection, ARE WE THERE, YETI? which is due to be published on Monday 11th February 2013.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.

ARE WE THERE, YETI!?
PROSE, I SUPPOSE...

Hello beasties!

Before we get into the main theme of this post, just to let you know that I've been quite busy putting together a new SHY YETI ON LOCATION episode. It's provisionally called WINTER ON A SUMMER'S DAY - or might simply be entitled SHY YETI'S CHILLY SUMMER SPECIAL. We shall see... The premise is that as the weather in the summer will probably be pretty ropey, then I might as well film the summer special now; so you end up with a summer special filmed in the snow! Trust a yeti to be so awkward and unseasonal! I do hope that the snow in the sketches that I've already filmed won't melt between now and July/August... Hadn't thought of that! So far I've recorded a couple of older poems from my SHY YETI RULES OKAY collections - THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY and CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND and I'll just pootle along with this episode until it's done and keep it "on ice" until nearer the time that it's due to be edited.

There are no particular plans for filming more episodes, over the next couple of months, unless there is more snow. That said I did speak to Dan about recording another cooking episode or two over in February or March; so we'll see how that goes. At least it's something that we can record indoors even if the weather isn't so great outside! Dan and I were discussing doing pies or pasties this time around! I expect to be having a holiday away somewhere around Easter - so hopefully I'll get back into regular filming once the weather improves in late March/early April. Until then I've got plenty of episodes in the can left over from last year. I'm currently still working on the episode that I filmed in Dorset around New Year - there was a lot of footage but I'm working through it now and - I know I've said this before - but I hope that it'll be ready to post sometime in the next fortnight; around the time that ARE WE THERE, YETI!? is published. After that I think the plan is still to edit the two-parter filmed in Venice back in November.

Moving on to the main area of discussion this we and continuing on from last week - I now aim to begin looking at the prose pieces from ARE WE THERE, YETI!?! I don't intend to go through them all this week, as there are well over 50 of them... But let's start alphabetically and see how far we get through! Just so you know, I won't be giving away any spoilers or too detailed plot-points - more hints about what each piece is about! Something to tempt you with, I hope!

AMNESIA

This piece is about a man who wakes up from a trauma with gaps in his memory - as he begins to recover he finds himself haunted by he memory of a handsome, yet somehow familiar face in a photograph...

AN ASYLUM FOR AUTHORS

This quirky tale pretty much describes itself with its title! Here we visit an asylum for those authors who have become a little too obsessed by their own characters!

AUNTIE ASTRID... (U.S.A.SPECIAL)

Auntie Astrid is a character that was first introduced during my Mouse Of Commons series and was co-created with my friend Gareth Bellis. Astrid is a guinea pig guru, no less - an agony aunt who offers help and advice to animals in need. Here are some more letters for her to wade through; on this occasion all the missives are from creatures who are about to head out to the States for well-needed holidays.

BEE BUSINESS

This is the story of a vengeful bee who won't let his family be walked over...

BEING STALKED BY THE HOLLYWOOD LETTERS

How would you like to be stalked by the Hollywood letters? It may seem flattering at first, but can very quickly become an embarrassment!

BEST PANTS

It is the end of the world and all the narrator of this piece seems concerned about is that he dies in his nicest underwear!

THE BODY IN THE BOG

This story is adapted from a poem that I wrote back in 1992 and involves the discovery of a body in a marsh. Things quickly take a turn for the worse for the gentleman who accidentally stumbles upon the corpse...

A BOY’S DREAM OF FLIGHT

This piece acts as a warning about the dangers of walking small dogs!

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

A short Christmas sketch that is written from the point of view of a Christmas tree!

CLEANING UP AFTERWARDS

Murder isn't the problem... It's cleaning up afterwards (or not) that really annoys the cleaners!

COLLECTING HEARTACHE

This story tells a tale of a hoarder who has trouble keeping a relationship going... But what is he doing wrong or is it his collection that is somehow conspiring against him!?

COMING CLEAN

During the London riots - one particular rioter met his match with the item that he looted! This sketch shows exactly how it happened!

THE CONFESSION BOX

The priest in this story is having a very forgiving day when it comes to the crimes of his parisioners! But why?

CREEPY, EXOTIC...

Sometimes it is the creepiest people who can be the most exotic...

THE CREEPY SHOW

This story is all about the owner of a creepy wax works as he waits to open the doors to a whole new stream of customers; it is something that he very much looks forward to... for many reasons!

THE DAILY GRIND

The daily grind can really get to some people - all that pent up resentment that keeps building inside every commuter as the days and the months and the years go by... Standing on platforms alongside neighbours that can barely even make eye-contact or say hello of a morning. After a while it gets to you and one day all this frustration is bound to explode...

DEAR, DEARLY DEPARTED

A fan writes about the death of his favourite actress - someone whom he claims to have been very good friends with! However, truth is always stranger than fiction!

THE DUST OF AGES

How come the college librarian still looks so young after so many years? Only the dust of ages has the answer to that!

AN ENQUIRING MIND

Those who choose to read each other's minds may sometimes find a darkness that they wish they had left well alone... 

EXCITEMENT IN LIFE

Charlie has become sick of his wife, Judith - and every day he plots to kill her... One day he might just do it too! 

FEEDING TIME...

Feeding time at the zoo is probably one of the busiest times of the day - but what if there was only one canteen for both the visitors and the animals!? 

A FLY ON THE WALL

What if the fly on the wall was a reincarnation of someone? What if he took to spying on beautiful ladies? What if the beautiful lady was also a reincarnation? What if the beautiful lady had known the man that the fly had once been?

THE FOOD OF LOVE

The couple in this story have much in common - but what they choose to do about it is certainly food for thought!

FRUIT BATS...

The tragic story of a blood orange and a fruit bat...

GOOD TIMES AGAIN...

A favourite teddy bear discovers that he has a rival for his attentions - a large floppy-eared bunny!

A HAPPY EX-MAS

Revenge is best served cold at Christmas, but sometimes a loving couple can get their wires crossed by quite how far they intend to go to show their loyalty to one another!

HEALTHY LIVING

Two old friends meet up, by chance, in Los Angeles - both are actors, both very vain and soon they begin to discuss the various health fads that are doing the rounds; some of the options are bound to make your skin crawl!

THE HOODIES NEXT DOOR...

A family of hoodies lives next door to a family of apes and it really is a recipe for disaster!

HOW MONEY SPIDERS GET THEIR NAME...

Money Spiders aren't called Money Spiders for nothing, you know... And here is why!!

HUSBAND POTENTIAL

Two young ladies compare notes on the famous historical characters that they would most like to have dated!

THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE

With age comes the freedom to become a complete hypocrite AND to get away with it!

THE ICE-CREAMING AD-DABS...

Two rival ice cream firms battle it out for supremacy - with tasty results!

INK ON HER HANDS

Some people take stationery very seriously... So I wouldn't go nicking a pen from one of them, if I were you!

IN THE SOUP...

Sometimes a nice cup of soup can be the making of you - although sometimes you can be the making of a nice cup of soup...

Next week we'll look at the other half of the stories and the following week the poems; as I've mentioned, by then the new book should be released and hopefully I'll also be unloading a new SHY YETI ON LOCATION episode around then too...

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx



This post and all content is Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.