ARE WE THERE, YETI?

MORE PROSE, I SUPPOSE...

Hello beasties!

How have you been? Well, I trust?

Before we return to discuss the new book I intend to cover what I've been up to since my last post. My main success is finishing the new book, ARE WE THERE, YETI? which is now on its way to Lulu.com for me to receive a draft copy and then hopefully I'll release it week beginning Monday 11th February. I've also been making some headway with the new video, SHY YETI RETURNS TO DORSET and have managed to get the footage down from over an hour to around 25 minutes; it'll take a while longer - but should be ready in the next week or so. Other than that I've been tinkering about with a few poems that I came up with titles for a couple of years ago, but which I never got around to actually writing... These titles include INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, IT ONLY TAKES A MOUSE TO SNEEZE, DIAMONDS ARE ALL VERY WELL, BUT PIES TASTE NICER, THE YETI POET LAUREATE, THE GIRL OF YOUR NIGHTMARES and THE CAKEOCALYPSE... I also started a piece called A VERY GOOD FRIEND - A VERY BAD LOVER and completed a short story over the weekend called, INFORMATION IS A WONDERFUL THING...

Moving on... This week we continue our discussion of the new book by looking at the other prose pieces in the new collection. Last week we reached the letter I and so this week we start from J with a little piece called JELLY-BABY...

JELLY-BABY

It's amazing how something as simple as offering a jelly baby to a stranger can cause so much grief...

JITTERS

It's easy to get the jitters when you are about to make a big decision - even when it's a decision like the one involved in this short sketch...

L.A. AND I (GET ON JUST FINE, THANK YOU...)

Not everyone sees L.A. as the glamorous solution to all their wildest dreams - it's all about how you see the place and whether you let it know who's boss.

LOSING YOUR MEMORY ISN’T ALWAYS A BAD THING...

Sometimes it's better not to remember the past - sometimes ignorance really IS bliss!

A MOURNING YAWN

It is a very sad day at the zoo... One of the chief keepers has died and at memorial service all the animals are keen to point their claws at a very likely suspect!

A NEW BOOK IN THE FAMILY

Buying a second hand book comes with responsibilities - it's whether you are prepared to take them or not...

NOM, NOM, NOM

Cruising the customers is just a perk of the job when you work in a large supermarket - but some people just take this perk a little too far!

PART OF THE FAMILY

When Marty the bulldog is introduced as the latest member of the family - wily feline, Ava, volunteers to show him the ropes, whilst also getting the most out of the new arrival as is possible!

A PHOTO, FALLEN...

Some people think that when your photo is taken that your soul is trapped in the picture! The truth might not be quite so alarming... Or is it!?!

RATTLESNAKES!!!

It's all very well people being afraid of snakes - but have you ever considered how scary it is when you ARE one?

REHAB... FOR CANNIBALS!

Life as a cannibal can get a bit out of hand - which is why a number of them go to rehab to wean themselves off human flesh! But such good intentions don't always work out so smoothly...

RICH PICKINGS

Sometimes underhand pranks can back-fire and when they do you may not get the chance to live to regret them, either.

RING, RING...

Exactly how much does it matter if you are unfaithful to your partner when you are dreaming? It's all a matter of perspective!

RUNNING LATE...

First dates can be funny beasts - this one doesn't exactly take the biscuit - no, something far more valuable is being lined up!

SANTA’S BIT ON THE SIDE

Keira has a very interesting lover... He only comes once a year, but she enjoys every moment of their time together!

A SEAT ON THE WING

Travelling on the wing of a plane to your destination might not seem the most obvious thing to do, but one who has tried this mode of transport reports back, with constructive comments, about the merits of such a wild form of travel!

A SENSE OF STYLE

If a ballerina is about to be murdered then she will insist on dying with grace and with style!

THE SERIAL KILLER OF LITTLE ITALY

The story of a serial killer who lives in Little Italy in San Diego... His only problem is that he possibly likes eating the Italian food more than he actually likes killing!

THE SHAME OF A MIDDLE-CLASS BONNIE AND CLYDE

Sometimes even the most clean-nosed middle-class person can get drawn into trouble - especially when cake is involved!

SO IRRITATING!!!

Sometimes little things can be irritating and sometimes irritating things can snowball and build up into major frustrations and then, sometimes, those major frustrations can overflow into something particularly nasty...

STATUE ESQ.

Here is your introduction to a new company that has a very interesting service to offer... It's name is STATUE ESQ. and it provides slightly unconventional statues to be used in the gardens of large country-homes. Sounds dull? It's really not. STATUE ESQ. is a firm run by gorgons.

STATUS SYMBOLS

A rich man's dream of buying an desert island goes slightly... off-course, let us say!

TAKE CARE WHEN GIVING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

You really do need to take care when buying Christmas presents - especially if you intend to deal out a lesson in revenge...

TOAST!!!

A tragic tale of an unconventional wedding toast!

A TRAGIC DEMISE

Death comes to us all - but not many people meet their maker in quite such an odd fashion as does the gentleman in this short sketch...

TRICK OR...

Halloween really isn't the time to be annoying your neighbours... especially the spooky ones!

THE TRUE LIGHT (PROSE VERSION)

THE TRUE LIGHT is one of my own favourite poems, as it's the one that kick-started my passion for verse when I returned to it in 2001. To celebrate its 10th anniversary I wrote an extended prose version of the piece - which concerns one "cheating" partner begging to be forgiven...

TURN AND TURN AGAIN

Do you like your boss? Not everybody does, but not that many people do anything about it... Sometimes those feelings of dislike work both ways, however.

THE UNPUBLISHED NOVEL

A creepy tale of what shifts and changes can occur to an unpublished novel if it is left to sit on the shelf for years...

A VERY SHY PSYCHOPATH

Some psychopaths are shyer than others...

THE WAR AGAINST RED TAPE

We all encounter red tape on a daily basis at work - but things just seem to get worse as time goes on...

THE WEDDING PLANNER

When you're booking a wedding sometimes you need to be extra careful about who exactly is responsible for what in arranging the big day...

WEIRD WIDE WEB

Back in 2000 when this was written, the internet was still quite a curiousity for a lot of people and it wasn't that common for people to have their own connections at home... Not only that but you were never entirely sure what you might see when you "surfed the web..."

WHAT GOES AROUND…

Friends come and go - but some friends return after a long period of time. However, sometimes, those people have changed so much that you barely recognise what you ever saw in the person... Occasionally, you get back the friend that you truly deserve.

THE WRONG PEN

One person's useless pen is another's pride and joy... Sometimes it's just a case of finding the right owner, but how would you feel if you were the actual pen in question?

A YETI HISTORY LESSON OF HOLLYWOOD

Far in the future Mama Yeti takes her family on a trip to show them an over-grown city which was once known at "Hollywood..."

Next week we'll discuss the poems that are included in the new book and also finally trumpet the release, ARE WE THERE, YETI? itself, as it'll definitely be out that week. I'm going to leave you with a piece from the new book called THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE. This one came to me whilst I was half-asleep during a visit to Los Angeles - it wouldn't let me sleep, so I had to go and make some notes on it. I hope you enjoy it.


More soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE



I’m an old dude now…
I get to be cranky - I get to say whatever I want!
Although it is also your right to ignore me –
I know that my views still get to you…
Deep down, despite your devil-may-care attitude!
It registers; whether you admit it or not…
Whether those views of mine are really – actually – my views or not!
I like to say them anyhow – to get a reaction…
It is part of the hypocrisy of getting older –
I can say stuff that I don’t actually believe in;
That shames you in some way, perhaps…
I can down right lie…
I’m an old dude now and you don’t know any better!
When I was your age they had us working down the pit…
Cleaning out chimneys with our bare hands – with our tongues!
We were proud to fight for our country…
It made men of us; whatever that actually means.
Kids these days don’t know they’re born…
They don’t know how easy they’ve got it!
When I was six I was manning my own tank across enemy lines…
When I was ten I single-handedly saved a whole city from certain death –
And led them to safety across mountain wildernesses; without a map.
Kids these days don’t know any better –
Part of them, wisely, doesn’t believe me – nor cares…
But the other part secretly does. Just in case. Not liking to be wrong.
That part says, “He’s an old dude… Old dudes don’t lie… ‘Cos they’re OLD!
He must actually have done everything that he claims…”
It makes them feel that little more useless about their own sorry lives!
Which in turn makes me feel a little better about mine…
They allow me to spout out my nonsense – my cranky hypocrisy…
Despite none of it being true – despite none of it actually happening;
Except the one or two bits that really did.
I was no more a veteran of war than your pet dog was…
I no more believe any of that stuff than your pet cat does…
I spent my youth smoking, drinking, chasing pretty girls and handsome men…
Or, at least, trying to – just like you do!
We have more in common than you ever realise…
But I’m an old dude –
And I want you know how much harder I had it.
Just to screw with your mind, like people once did to me…
Consider it a free service – your turn will come.
All too soon.

THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE comes from the new Shy Yeti / Paul Chandler collection, ARE WE THERE, YETI? which is due to be published on Monday 11th February 2013.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.

ARE WE THERE, YETI!?
PROSE, I SUPPOSE...

Hello beasties!

Before we get into the main theme of this post, just to let you know that I've been quite busy putting together a new SHY YETI ON LOCATION episode. It's provisionally called WINTER ON A SUMMER'S DAY - or might simply be entitled SHY YETI'S CHILLY SUMMER SPECIAL. We shall see... The premise is that as the weather in the summer will probably be pretty ropey, then I might as well film the summer special now; so you end up with a summer special filmed in the snow! Trust a yeti to be so awkward and unseasonal! I do hope that the snow in the sketches that I've already filmed won't melt between now and July/August... Hadn't thought of that! So far I've recorded a couple of older poems from my SHY YETI RULES OKAY collections - THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY and CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND and I'll just pootle along with this episode until it's done and keep it "on ice" until nearer the time that it's due to be edited.

There are no particular plans for filming more episodes, over the next couple of months, unless there is more snow. That said I did speak to Dan about recording another cooking episode or two over in February or March; so we'll see how that goes. At least it's something that we can record indoors even if the weather isn't so great outside! Dan and I were discussing doing pies or pasties this time around! I expect to be having a holiday away somewhere around Easter - so hopefully I'll get back into regular filming once the weather improves in late March/early April. Until then I've got plenty of episodes in the can left over from last year. I'm currently still working on the episode that I filmed in Dorset around New Year - there was a lot of footage but I'm working through it now and - I know I've said this before - but I hope that it'll be ready to post sometime in the next fortnight; around the time that ARE WE THERE, YETI!? is published. After that I think the plan is still to edit the two-parter filmed in Venice back in November.

Moving on to the main area of discussion this we and continuing on from last week - I now aim to begin looking at the prose pieces from ARE WE THERE, YETI!?! I don't intend to go through them all this week, as there are well over 50 of them... But let's start alphabetically and see how far we get through! Just so you know, I won't be giving away any spoilers or too detailed plot-points - more hints about what each piece is about! Something to tempt you with, I hope!

AMNESIA

This piece is about a man who wakes up from a trauma with gaps in his memory - as he begins to recover he finds himself haunted by he memory of a handsome, yet somehow familiar face in a photograph...

AN ASYLUM FOR AUTHORS

This quirky tale pretty much describes itself with its title! Here we visit an asylum for those authors who have become a little too obsessed by their own characters!

AUNTIE ASTRID... (U.S.A.SPECIAL)

Auntie Astrid is a character that was first introduced during my Mouse Of Commons series and was co-created with my friend Gareth Bellis. Astrid is a guinea pig guru, no less - an agony aunt who offers help and advice to animals in need. Here are some more letters for her to wade through; on this occasion all the missives are from creatures who are about to head out to the States for well-needed holidays.

BEE BUSINESS

This is the story of a vengeful bee who won't let his family be walked over...

BEING STALKED BY THE HOLLYWOOD LETTERS

How would you like to be stalked by the Hollywood letters? It may seem flattering at first, but can very quickly become an embarrassment!

BEST PANTS

It is the end of the world and all the narrator of this piece seems concerned about is that he dies in his nicest underwear!

THE BODY IN THE BOG

This story is adapted from a poem that I wrote back in 1992 and involves the discovery of a body in a marsh. Things quickly take a turn for the worse for the gentleman who accidentally stumbles upon the corpse...

A BOY’S DREAM OF FLIGHT

This piece acts as a warning about the dangers of walking small dogs!

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

A short Christmas sketch that is written from the point of view of a Christmas tree!

CLEANING UP AFTERWARDS

Murder isn't the problem... It's cleaning up afterwards (or not) that really annoys the cleaners!

COLLECTING HEARTACHE

This story tells a tale of a hoarder who has trouble keeping a relationship going... But what is he doing wrong or is it his collection that is somehow conspiring against him!?

COMING CLEAN

During the London riots - one particular rioter met his match with the item that he looted! This sketch shows exactly how it happened!

THE CONFESSION BOX

The priest in this story is having a very forgiving day when it comes to the crimes of his parisioners! But why?

CREEPY, EXOTIC...

Sometimes it is the creepiest people who can be the most exotic...

THE CREEPY SHOW

This story is all about the owner of a creepy wax works as he waits to open the doors to a whole new stream of customers; it is something that he very much looks forward to... for many reasons!

THE DAILY GRIND

The daily grind can really get to some people - all that pent up resentment that keeps building inside every commuter as the days and the months and the years go by... Standing on platforms alongside neighbours that can barely even make eye-contact or say hello of a morning. After a while it gets to you and one day all this frustration is bound to explode...

DEAR, DEARLY DEPARTED

A fan writes about the death of his favourite actress - someone whom he claims to have been very good friends with! However, truth is always stranger than fiction!

THE DUST OF AGES

How come the college librarian still looks so young after so many years? Only the dust of ages has the answer to that!

AN ENQUIRING MIND

Those who choose to read each other's minds may sometimes find a darkness that they wish they had left well alone... 

EXCITEMENT IN LIFE

Charlie has become sick of his wife, Judith - and every day he plots to kill her... One day he might just do it too! 

FEEDING TIME...

Feeding time at the zoo is probably one of the busiest times of the day - but what if there was only one canteen for both the visitors and the animals!? 

A FLY ON THE WALL

What if the fly on the wall was a reincarnation of someone? What if he took to spying on beautiful ladies? What if the beautiful lady was also a reincarnation? What if the beautiful lady had known the man that the fly had once been?

THE FOOD OF LOVE

The couple in this story have much in common - but what they choose to do about it is certainly food for thought!

FRUIT BATS...

The tragic story of a blood orange and a fruit bat...

GOOD TIMES AGAIN...

A favourite teddy bear discovers that he has a rival for his attentions - a large floppy-eared bunny!

A HAPPY EX-MAS

Revenge is best served cold at Christmas, but sometimes a loving couple can get their wires crossed by quite how far they intend to go to show their loyalty to one another!

HEALTHY LIVING

Two old friends meet up, by chance, in Los Angeles - both are actors, both very vain and soon they begin to discuss the various health fads that are doing the rounds; some of the options are bound to make your skin crawl!

THE HOODIES NEXT DOOR...

A family of hoodies lives next door to a family of apes and it really is a recipe for disaster!

HOW MONEY SPIDERS GET THEIR NAME...

Money Spiders aren't called Money Spiders for nothing, you know... And here is why!!

HUSBAND POTENTIAL

Two young ladies compare notes on the famous historical characters that they would most like to have dated!

THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE

With age comes the freedom to become a complete hypocrite AND to get away with it!

THE ICE-CREAMING AD-DABS...

Two rival ice cream firms battle it out for supremacy - with tasty results!

INK ON HER HANDS

Some people take stationery very seriously... So I wouldn't go nicking a pen from one of them, if I were you!

IN THE SOUP...

Sometimes a nice cup of soup can be the making of you - although sometimes you can be the making of a nice cup of soup...

Next week we'll look at the other half of the stories and the following week the poems; as I've mentioned, by then the new book should be released and hopefully I'll also be unloading a new SHY YETI ON LOCATION episode around then too...

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx



This post and all content is Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.