BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON 4 OUT NOW!!!

THE 4TH AND FINAL SEASON IS RELEASED!!

Hello beasties!!

This time we will finally be celebrating the release of the 4th season of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS... In fact, let's get started - here we go - first up details of the book and where it can be found to purchase and then four extracts, one from each of the scripts...

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Season 4 is the fourth and final season of the series and is made up of 4 extended scripts which concern a number of curious characters; an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Along the way we also meet a number of old foes and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! All is not well this time around - and by the end of the season one of the main characters will meet a grisly end. These scripts, written during 2014, brings us to the end of an era for The Beast Of Friends!

Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/paperback/product-22361059.html £6.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/hardcover/product-22361072.html  £14.99

There is also a bumper version featuring all 4 seasons in one place...

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Seasons 1 to 4 is a compilation of all the scripts from the 4 seasons that make up the series. The scripts concern a number of curious characters; among them an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Other than these "bunch of weirdoes" we meet a number of old foes, a yeti with dubious ethics, a number of ghosts, a meddling mother and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! This is the very first time that these scripts, published between 2012 and 2015, have appeared in the same place.



























Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/paperback/product-22361053.html £14.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/hardcover/product-22361068.html £19.99

SCRIPT ONE: CRIMES OF PASSION... (EXTRACT)

KATRINA WATCHES FROM THE STAIRWELL AS THEIR GUESTS - ROLAND AND VELMA MAKE TO LEAVE, SHE PRETENDS TO BE APPLYING LIPSTICK, BUT IS ACTUALLY SUCKING IT DISTRACTEDLY – HER EYES ARE FIXED ON VELMA WHOM SHE IS TRYING TO VIEW IN HER HAND MIRROR; HOWEVER WHAT SHE SEES LEAVES HER TWICE AS SHOCKED.

KATRINA: (alarmed)

Oh! That’s unpleasant… I mean us witches used to get a bad rap for what we did in the past but considering how many non-witches ended up burnt… Wow!

HORNER: (rudely)

Thank you… Thank you… Goodbye now…

THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS BEHIND VELMA AND ROLAND – WARREN APPROACHES KATRINA AND HORNER LOOKING QUITE EXCITED...

WARREN: (urgently)

Katrina… Tell Horner what you just told me… Katrina! Did you hear me?

KATRINA: (mutters to self)

Oh my… My oh my oh my… OH MY!

HORNER: (distracted)

Those dratted people! How dare they just come here like this… What is it Katrina?

KATRINA: (quite distressed)

It’s macabre… Things are even worse for him now than when we first met him… She got a complete hold of him and he doesn’t even seem to notice…

HORNER: (a little more focussed)

Katrina… Listen, now! What do you know about these people? You need to tell me and we need to make sure that Colin knows that they’re after him too…

WARREN: (encouragingly)

Go on… Tell them what you did to Roland…

KATRINA: (trying not to ramble)

Alright! Alright… I will… But it’s not just him… It’s her too… She… She has no reflection – Velma… She’s a vampire – I haven’t seen one up in London for quite a while… They were the “new” witch at the turn of the century as far as taboos were concerned! She’s one of those new-fangled ones too who can go out in the sun!

SCRIPT TWO: CRIMES OF PASSION... (EXTRACT)

MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE ROAD COPERNICUS AND KATRINA ARE SQUASHED UP INSIDE A PHONE BOOTH WATCHING THE HOUSE AS THE CAR PULLS UP TO PICK UP FAKE KATRINA… CONSIDERING THAT HE IS A GHOST COPERNICUS IS TAKING UP RATHER MORE SPACE THAN ONE WOULD EXPECT AND KATRINA IS FEELING QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE…

COPERNICUS: (almost applauding)

Everything seems to be going okay so far… That’s a relief, I must say…

KATRINA: (reflecting)

I can’t help but think that your friend, Mr Quaverall must really hate me… I can’t believe how I got away with all the wicked things that I did back in my youth…

COPERNICUS: (having not properly heard)

What now?

KATRINA: (sadly)

Roland… He must really really hate me – for killing him…

COPERNICUS: (trying to cheer her up)

I don’t think so… Well, not any more – that’s nearly half a century ago… He’s had lots of adventures since then – it’s just that they occurred after his death…

KATRINA:

I feel I should say sorry… I was so different then… He was nothing to me – just an opponent who pretty quickly was lying there before me choking on a jelly fish…

COPERNICUS:

There can't be that many people who can say that they've had that experience...

SCRIPT THREE: THE SCANDAL-MONGERS... (EXTRACT)

KATRINA: (snapping back, but grinning)

When I used to ride about on my broomstick I always used to take a cat with me… Sadly they never had very good balance and used to fall off.

LUCY: (muttering away to herself)

I thought cats were meant to have GREAT balance… Isn’t that one of their things – or am I thinking of monkeys? Well, I guess they’re definitely good at balancing because you see them up trees running around – do you think that maybe they wear Velcro on their paws or something? Although wouldn’t that mean that someone would have to put Velcro up the trees too – so the two layers would stick together!?

KATRINA: (losing patience now)

Lucy – I have no idea… I think monkeys are just naturally good at the running around trees thing – no hidden magic required… But we were talking about cats…

LUCY: (focusing on the topic of the moment)

They like trees too, don’t they? Anyway, so yours used to fall off your broom?

KATRINA: (nodding)

Most Witches’ cats hang on – but not these ones… That was my fault – I scrimped on good puss – you live and learn! Rather foolishly I used to get mine second-hand!

LUCY: (surprised)

Second-hand cats? Where from exactly?

 KATRINA: (glibly)

The second-hand cat store… It really is that simple…

LUCY:

The second-hand cat store? That’s an actual place?! Okay… Why DID you get them second-hand? Were they old? Cheap? Lacking in posture? Perpetually asleep?

KATRINA: (confirming all those suggestions)

All of those things and usually they were slightly incontinent too…

LUCY:

But WHY? Why did it all go so badly wrong for you?

KATRINA: (chuckling)

Well, I don’t really like cats! I just felt I ought to have one… For appearances sake!

LUCY: (having considered this)

You wanted them to suffer a bit, perhaps?

KATRINA: (feeling slightly guilty)

Maybe… That’s awful, isn’t it!?

SCRIPT FOUR: FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES... (EXTRACT)

MEANWHILE, NOT SO VERY FAR A WAY A MAINTAINANCE MAN IS ENTERING THE SEWERS FROM A MAN-HOLE ABOVE. HE LOOKS AROUND AND NOTES A RUSTY PIPE IN THE SHADOWS – TICKING IT OFF ON A LIST AS HE EXAMINES IT… ALL OF A SUDDEN SOMETHING DISTRACTS HIM…

SOUND: (bellowing bovinely)

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

MAN: (furiously, yet nervous too)

HEY!?! What’s that? Bloody kids… Come out and show yourselves… What’s going on? Who’s keeping cows down in these sewers? That’s illegal!

SOUND:

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

MAN:

Come out and show yourselves… There you are… What gorgeous cows… Who brought you here… Just come closer – let me stroke you… You look gorgeous.

VELMA SUDDENLY STEPS OUT OF THE SHADOWS BEHIND THEM…

VELMA: (succinctly, decisively)

These cows are mine… What business is it of yours?

MAN: (becoming quite cocky)

You can’t keep them here – you’re not even meant to be down here – let alone your livestock! If you don’t get them out of here then I’ll get the law on you…

 VELMA: (spiteful, spitting her words)

I really don’t think you will… Who do you think you’re speaking to? You have no right to command me; I’ll do what I wish! I wouldn’t start threatening me either – my friends here are very protective of me; I wouldn’t shove them if I were you…

 MAN: (not completely paying attention)

Why not? I’m just trying to get them out of the way… It’s what you do with cattle!

VELMA:

They have been known to take a bite out of people if taken by surprise…

MAN:

Here, pretty cows… Come to daddy… Just you wait until I get the law on you, missus… You’re going to be in such trouble… Come on now… Pretty cows…

THE MAN REACHES OUT FOR THE CLOSEST COW WHO HAS BEEN LICKING THE MOSSY SEWER FLOOR – AS IT LOOKS UP HE REALISES THAT THE COW IS FAR FROM NORMAL; IT’S FACE IS HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED, WITH AN ALMOST EVIL EXPRESSION – ITS TEETH ARE SHARP FANGS…

MAN: (breathless, shocked)

V,V,V,VAMPIRE C,C,COWS…

VELMA LAUGHS – THE MAN’S SCREAMS ECHO DOWN THE TUNNEL...

Finally, moving on from THE BEAST OF FRIENDS I am expecting to release the first seasons of the two spin-off seasons in either January or February - so keep yours eyes open for news on that. I won't write about it yet as If I do I might give away a couple of spoilers... But soon!!

Next time, I'll either be building up to or reporting back from my one and only gig of 2015, which takes place at The Poetry Café of Thursday 29th October... It all depends on how much time I have... Once that show is done we reach that time of year again where I am due to go away for my birthday and I am hoping to take plenty of photographs and write another Horner diary piece which may or may not explore the mystery of the candy-floss eating zombie from my previous Devon story from a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, more soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

All content of this post is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015

MORE BEASTLINESS... COMING SOON!

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON FOUR (A PREVIEW)

Hello beasties!

This week I'm going to give you a little run-through of the four double-episodes that make up the 4th and final season of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS... This year, I've been moving almost as slowly on my writing projects as I have on my actual bandaged legs at the moment (long story!), but I have finally completed the proofreading of the final script and have just sent off for a test copy from lulu.com before I release it in a few weeks time. As for what comes next I can't really tell you much about the spin-off series until season 4 is released - so let's just focus on the last four scripts of the BEAST instead.

SCRIPT 1: CRIMES OF PASSION

Just as Colin's life hangs in the balance he receives a visitor who appears to know the future. Meanwhile, the house is full  of strangers - but what exactly they want is hard to fathom; although it would appear that one of them doesn't actually have a reflection...

 

This script introduces some new characters - one of them a new foe who appears throughout this final season - while the others are colleagues of Copernicus Smith and may be familiar to those who already know my work... Colin is still in hospital and still in danger - but will the enemy make her move or will things be trickier than that? This season there are only four scripts - but they are double-length episodes. In a way this way good for developing character interactions, especially during the final season of the series - but generally I prefer to write the short length episodes. As much as I like writing dialogue I am also a big fan of busy plot-lines and it is easier to write those when you have regular cliff-hangers to work to every 10 to 15 pages.

 

SCRIPT 2 : A JOURNEY TO THE OTHER SIDE...



Katrina decides to accept her fate and will accompany Roland and his associates back to the other side – however unknown to Horner, Warren and Colin it is not Katrina but Velma who has accepted this plan. Meanwhile, Nigel tries to match-make Warren with Copernicus, whilst the real Katrina realises that rules are sometimes there to be broken when she is offered a way out – but with a catch…

There is a lot of game playing in this episode - but just who knows what and who is completely oblivious. One way or another nobody is going to get exactly what they would like - especially not "the friends". This script also features a character from the third season who is due to play a big part in the last two scripts of this season. It was nice to have Copernicus, Roland and Nigel to work with in this episode - as they are characters that I have written about for twenty five years. I have returned to a number of other old characters from the same era whilst writing HOT STUFF!! one of the new spin-off series from BEAST. 

SCRIPT 3: THE SCANDALMONGERS...
 

Lots of bad things are going on… Somebody is causing trouble for Horner, Warren and Colin – whilst Katrina must deal with her problems without them. Two old adversaries return – one a member of the press – the other one is a real mother…

I enjoyed writing this script most of all this series and it was nice to have some returning characters - one in particular that is especially close to my heart, although I can't really reveal who right now. This episode also sees Katrina doing her best to solve the problems of the household - even when she can't be living there in person. Things are starting to unravel and events build to a conclusion that will be resolve one way or another in the final script of the season. I got to have a lot of fun writing this script - but was also keen to reflect on some of Katrina's personal battles; aware that I needed to be careful with balancing the serious with the silly and not going too far either way. 

SCRIPT 4:  FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES

Life is completely upside down! Horner has been dragged into the sewers by a creature that came up his bath plug-hole. Katrina has just strangled Ashley. Colin and Lucy are facing an unknown terror in the basement of the pawn shop. Shy Yeti is on the run and Warren hears bad news from Copernicus and Co… That’s only the tip of the ice-berg in what we present here as the very last episode of Beast.

Ah well, so the episode summary above gives away the two returning foes from script 3 - Ashley and Shy Yeti; but maybe things are not quite as they seem. Ashley doesn't appear very much in this script - however Shy Yeti does make a cameo; I do so like getting to mock myself! There are a number of other returning characters in this final episode - but, I can reveal, nothing from Cromitty and Clive - two of the main characters who I sent packing in the second season and then exploded to high heaven during the third season. The cast they are a-changing, with Lucy now part of the main team, but I also remained strong when it came to killing off a main character towards the end of the episode. I definitely continued to mix the dramatic with the daft - a rather silly beast or two to balance the tragedy of a key character being killed off. As I wrote the ending I saw it more as the end of a chapter, rather than the end of everything; especially as I had already begun work on the spin-off series by this stage. Oh yes, and then there's one other thing I still had to write - THE BEAST OF FRIENDS MOVIE SCRIPT!!! But more about that another time...

Next time - it's almost the big day... THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON 4 is due out  the week beginning 12th October - but firstly I have a trip to Devon to share with you... There will be photos - some chitter-chat and hopefully a short story involving the character of Horner from BEAST as he goes to seek the advice of THE MYSTIC CATS OF TORQUAY!!! I kid ye not...

More soon! Yeti hugs, Paul xx
 

All contents of this post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015.

THE CAMERA NEVER LIES!!

BEHIND THE SCENES ON THE BEAST 3 PHOTO-SHOOT...

Hello beasties!

Last post I was promoting the new BEAST OF FRIENDS script-book - there were photos too and an extract! This time - before moving on to other projects there are a few more photos from behind the scenes and a couple more extracts - including one from the forthcoming BEAST MOVIE script which won't be out until later in the year...

Just to remind you - here's the latest script book, the third - which is a standalone story and can be read without reference to the previous two seasons. That said, seasons one and two are also available on www.lulu.com

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Season 3 is the third season of eight scripts concerning a number of curious characters; an amphibian journalist known as Horner and his shape-changing wife, Suzette, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin, Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing and their new housemate, Christophe - a mummy with a dark and mysterious past! This season, written between 2013 and 2014 continues to explore their adventures - all under one roof! This book is 144 pages in length.  

Pbk Ed.: www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-beast-of-friends---season-three/15105416 £6.99

Hbk Ed.: www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/the-beast-of-friends---season-three/16191840 £14.99

Moving on - I would like to share with you a quite dramatic moment from the fourth episode of this third BEAST season. It's pretty scary, so do please prepare yourself.

BACK IN THE KITCHEN KATRINA AND SUZETTE ARE STILL CHATTING…

 KATRINA: (enthusiastically)

 Blimey! I don’t half smell nice… It can’t be good for me… Time to go and sit in a bag of dust or some manure or something… That’ll make things better…

SUZETTE: (laughs)

 You crease me up! You’re the only gal I know who goes and bathes in the sewers!

 KATRINA: (brightly)

 I swear by it! You should try it too… Every woman should bathe in a sewer once!

 SUZETTE: (politely)

 No, thank you… But I will make us a pot of tea for when you come back – or will you be gone for days – because I can’t wait that long… I’ll make you a fresh cup!

 KATRINA: (calling back as she departs)

 No… It’ll be a quicky! Put that kettle on – I’ll be 15 minutes, no more – no less…

 SUZETTE: (calling after her…)

 No need to rush… I’ll see who else wants something! Horner? Warren? Colin?

 CHRISTOPHE: (pretending to be slightly upset)

 What about me? Or am I forgotten? It’s the story of my life, you know…

 SUZETTE: (apologetically)

 Oh! Good grief, Christophe – you made me jump! I thought you were outside! I’m sure you’re not forgotten by anyone – you must have lots of friends…

 CHRISTOPHE: (acting slightly oddly)

 A few… But what made you say that? Because I’m so old I must have loads? Ha! No… I just heard mention of tea and came running! I have super-powered hearing when it comes to tea, but I was actually wondering if I could ask you a favour…

 SUZETTE: (playing along)

 What is it now, Christophe? A cup of coffee, instead? I dunno! Some people really like to take advantage of a kind offer! Tell me what it is and then I’ll decide…

 CHRISTOPHE:

 Well, it’s not coffee… Tea would be nice, but my favour won’t take a minute…

 SUZETTE:

 Well, what is it? If it’s anything to do with sport then I tell you now, I’m hopeless! I can’t tell golf from cricket and football from horse-racing! I really can’t!

 CHRISTOPHE: (speaking slowly but resolutely)

 No… It’s nothing like that… I want you to do something for me…

SUZETTE: (nattering on as she prepares the tea)

 Tell me… Oh, I know what this is about… You want me to help with your birthday party! Why of course… Do you want me to help you make a cake? I’m actually not too bad when it comes to making cakes – I can apply icing like a complete demon!

 CHRISTOPHE: (his voice turning somewhat cold)

 That would be nice, Suzette – but no… I want you to… Well, it’s like this…

 SUZETTE: (stopping, starting to sound nervous)

 Come on! Spit it out… What are you trying to say, duck? You’re making me nervous now! Why are you staring like that? Is it something serious? You’re not ill are you? Is it one of those funny moles…Do you want me to take a look for you?

 CHRISTOPHE: (as if trying to hypnotise)

 Suzy, just listen! I want you to… I WANT YOU TO KILL SOMEONE FOR ME!

 SUZETTE: (confused, becoming outraged almost)

 Do what? I beg your pardon? You want me to… to do what? TO DO WHAT?!

 CHRISTOPHE: (speaking steadily yet forcibly)

 Listen and understand! I WANT YOU TO KILL SOMEONE FOR ME, SUZETTE – I WANT YOU TO KILL SOMEONE FOR ME… DO YOU HEAR ME?

 SUZY IS SILENT – HER EXPRESSION IS BLANK AND THEN SHE REPLIES…

SUZETTE: (emotionlessly)

 I’m listening… I hear you, Christophe… Tell me – who is it you want me to kill?!?

This next bit is a particularly daft scene from the BEAST movie - which won't be out until after the fourth BEAST season... It's hot off the press and not yet gone through any rewriting, so might change. For your information Charlie is Charlie Grrr, a celebrity bear who is rather full of himself - whilst Simon is a yeti - his friend and fellow egotist. Colin is Colin Wolf - one of the main BEAST cast; a werewolf. The topic of conversation - hunger and how to over-come it...

 

CHARLIE:

 

Do you know what I suppose? That it’s especially easy to get confused when you’re so hungry…

 

SIMON:

 

That is probably what it is… You’re HUNGRY!

 

CHARLIE:

 

Do you think?

 

COLIN:

 

The room is FULL of cake, guys! Sometimes when you feel hungry it’s actually because you are thirsty…

 

CHARLIE/SIMON:

 

We’re not thirsty…

 

COLIN:

 

You surprise me!

 

CHARLIE:

 

You do realise that scientists have recently discovered that there are actually two forms of hunger in the same way that there are two key food groups…

 

SIMON:

 

Sweet and savoury…

 

CHARLIE:

 

EXACTLY…

 

SIMON:

 

I see what you’re getting at… So you can be full to the brim with cake – the sweet, but if you’ve not eaten any savoury then you can still potentially starve…

 

COLIN:

 

Guys… You just made that up… If you want to eat the frozen calzone raw then just eat them but woe betide you if they’re full of rat poison or glass…

 

CHARLIE: (mutters)

 

What’s his problem? Rat poison doesn’t hurt too badly does it, Simon?

 

SIMON:

 

My mother-in-law swears by it…

 

CHARLIE:

 

Didn’t your mother-in-law die?

 

SIMON:

 

Eventually…

 

CHARLIE:

 

What of?

 

SIMON:

 

Mysterious circumstances the coroner said…
 

To finish with, thanks again to my two helpers who were out there in Belgrave Square Park when I took the photos last week; Thumper The Squirrel and Robyn the Robin...
 

Next time I post I'll probably be looking forward to the 10th anniversary edition of POETIQUETTE that I'm currently putting the finishing touches to...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

All content of this post are copyright Paul Chandler 2015

BEASTLY NEWS BEASTIES!!

ONE NEW BOOK - ANOTHER ONE ON IT'S WAY!


Hello beasties!

I've some exciting news - although it's not of a poetic nature. I will return to discussions of poetry as I am still busy working on the final version of A YETI WAY OF THINKING - but I'd like to discuss another project first; we'll get to poetry in a minute...

I am very pleased to be able to announce the release of the second series of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - here's a bit more information:

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - SERIES TWO is the second series of eight radio scripts concerning a number of curious characters; an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, Clive - a robotic clock, Cromitty – a voodoo doll, a werewolf named Colin and a fellow named Warren who had a very strange upbringing! This series, written between 2012 and 2014 continues to explore their adventures - all under one roof!

Paperback Edition: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-beast-of-friends---series-two/14731202 £6.99

Hardback Edition: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/the-beast-of-friends---series-2/15097921 £9.99

To be fair there is at least one poem contained in this book - not to mention a cameo by Shy Yeti himself... Or at least a version of him/me! In case you need any further encouragement here's a bit more about each of the stories...

SCRIPT 1: AUDITIONING HOUSE-MATES…

This episode sees Horner returning from his “Skin-Time” only to find that the tenants have been sub-letting his room to a wood-louse named Oliver.

SCRIPT 2: THE BIG BIRTHDAY…

Colin reaches a very important birthday and treats the housemates to a trip to Paris – which doesn’t go too well when they bump into Warren’s weird family out there.

SCRIPT 3: THE EVEN BIGGER BIRTHDAY…

Clive falls in love with a dust cart, Katrina steals The Eiffel Tower just to show off and Horner helps Warren pull the wool over his mother’s eyes!

SCRIPT 4: ZOMBIE TAXI-DRIVER FROM HULL…

Horner encounters a zombie who has just taken a new job as a taxi-driver. It turns out that he intends to eat his customers to gain “the knowledge” to do his job better!

SCRIPT 5: MICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT!

Oliver asks Horner to help out at a conference run by The Mouse of Commons and Lords – although Horner gets crossed wires about what he is required to do!

SCRIPT 6: INSPIRATION FOR A YETI...

Cromitty has sub-let his room to a play-writing yeti that is using their lives as a template for his new play about squalor and scandal in middle-class suburbia…

SCRIPT 7: MINI MYTHICAL BEASTS...

Katrina buys some mini mythical beasts from a jumble sale - they escape around the house and cause all manner of problems to the residents...

SCRIPT 8: THE BEAST MAN IS NOT THE GROOM

Clive and Cromitty have moved out of the house to form a comedy double-act. Meanwhile, Horner is about to get married to a toad that he met on the internet who he claims is actually a princess, but Warren suspects that something is very wrong!

I'd like to remind you that you can still get copies of Series 1 from the following links and I can confirm that both Series 3 and the final Series 4 are already in the can - as good as complete; being busily polished by Junior Yeti even as I type.

Paperback edition: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-series-one/paperback/product-20275760.html 112 Pages / £5.99

Hardback edition: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-series-one/hardcover/product-21186706.html 112 Pages / £11.99

Anyway - enough about beasts and onto poetry proper...

I'd also like the unveil the finished line-up of my next collection, although I doubt if it'll be out before early-mid 2015 at the moment as I'm not progressing very quickly with the formatting side of the project and need to weed down some of the "Behind The Scene" moments first featured here on my blog covering the almost two years that I was working on material for this collection. What I can confirm is that there are 82 new poems, stories or prose pieces contained within the collection - here are the titles.

A YETI WAY OF THINKING...

ALL A BIT NUTS...
ALMOST GONE...
THE ANSWER’S NO...
ARE THEY AWARE I’M A WEREWOLF?                   
AUGUSTUS THE TRUSTY GUIDANCE PIG
BADGER
THE BALLAD OF BURT AND GRIS...
THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE...
BORN WITHOUT A FUNNY BONE...
CEDRIC THE CEREAL KILLER...
CHECK UP, CHECK OUT...
CREATIVELY PROMISCUOUS...
A CULT FOLLOWING
DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH ME?
THE DREADED LURGY
EIGHT SUPER LITTLE PILLS
ENOUGH OF YOUR SAUCE...
THE FLIRT
FRIDAY THE 13^TH (MY FAVOURITE DAY)...
GAME PLAN...
GERIATRIC MERMAID
GIN GOBLINS...
THE GORGEOUS DEAD...
GRANNY ATE MY AFTER-BIRTH...
HANGING OUT IN GRAVEYARDS WITH MY SWEETHEART... 
A HAPPY YETI HOWL... 
A HARMLESS PRANK... 
HIS CHRISTMAS CARDS...
THE ICE IN MY GLASS... 
AN IDEAL WORLD... 
AN IDIOT IN LOVE...
IF ONLY... 
INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS...
INFORMATION IS A WONDERFUL THING
IN MEMORY OF...
IN PLACE OF A HEART...
IT ONLY TAKES A MOUSE TO SNEEZE
IT’S NOT SAFE TO GO OUTSIDE...
I USED TO BE A TEN
JUST ONE DAY (BEING YOU)... 
KOFFIE HUIS DE HOEK... 
THE LOCH NESS HAMSTER... 
LOVED FOR WHAT YOU’RE NOT...
MAKE ALL APPLAUSE COUNT...
MAN, MANHANDLED
THE MORNING AFTER HALLOWEEN
MY BACON-FLAVOURED BABY... 
MY NEW YEAR HANGOVER... 
MYSTERY HEN
THE ONE...
ONE LAST NIGHT
ON FIRST NAME TERMS WITH LOVE
ONION MAN
A PERFECT CASE FOR CHARITY
PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS
POLLEN SEASON
RUNNING ON EMPTY
SANDY FROM THE FUTURE...
SASSY MISS SASQUATCH...
THE SAVAGES OF WESTMINSTER...
SCABBY DONKEY
THE SEX LIVES OF (EVIL) WITCHES...
SHORT-SLEEVED BEE SUIT
SOMETIMES A HUG IS ENOUGH...
SPACE-CAKES 
A SPIDER IN THE BATH...
THE STUPIDITY OF BIRDS (A FLIGHT OF FANCY)...
SUICIDAL PIGEON...
TALKING WITH ANIMALS
TEN INCHES
TINSEL…
TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI...
UNTIL THE COWS ALL COME HOME...
WE’RE ALL STARS TODAY...
WHEN THE SINGER LOST HER SONG...
A YETI WAY OF THINKING...
YOU’RE DEAD TO ME...
YOU CAN’T TRUST A MAN WITH A BEARD...
YOU’LL DO...
YOUR NIGHTMARES...
ZOMBIE SQUIRRELS IN MY GARDEN
ZOMBIE TAXI-DRIVER

So there you go... That's it for now! Next time I'll probably be updating you on how my next live show went. Just in case you've forgotten the next Shy Yeti And John Smallshaw Show is at The Poetry Café on Wednesday 17th September 2014 at 19.30. I do hope you'll try and make it if you're free!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx



This post and all content are Copyright Paul Chandler 2014