HAPPY CHRISTMAS FROM THE DAFFY POET!!

Hello...

Just a quick hello and a chance to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Thank you to everybody who has supported me this year - either by coming to my gigs, buying a book, accompanying me to open mike nights because it's scary going on my own, reading the blog or just chuckling when a read you a silly poem in person or sending me a nice bit of feedback when I emailed you one... Extra-special thanks this year especially go to Kirk, Calum, Robert, Nick, Neph, Tom and Harry for their help and support when I was putting books together or practicing for my gigs. For a shy yeti such as myself to even be doing gigs all on my lonesome is a big step and so I'm very happy to look back and feel I've achieved quite a bit in the last 12 months...

2009 has been my most prolific year ever, I would think - at least poetting wise! The final total is yet undetermined, but I have completed more than 175 poems so far this year; however I'm sure I'll write a few more before the end of the year. I'm really happy with how things are going - to have published three new collections, with a 4th one on the way and another in the very early stages feel a very positive thing! I'm also really pleased that I put together my SHY YETI RULES O.K. collection as a slimmer volume that I'm happy introduces my poetry in a confidant manner. All these projects (not to mention my day job and Mouse of Commons work!) certainly kept me off the streets; except for when I've gone out onto the streets to take daft photos to illustrate the poems - but that's just fun.

Aside from writing the individual poems these are some of the highlights of the year for me...

JANUARY: Putting the finishing touches to IF POEMS WERE PIES and making starting the new year off with a visit to the Poetry Cafe open-mike night.

FEBRUARY: Publishing IF POEMS WERE PIES and starting my next collection CAVEMAN LOGIC...

MARCH: My first gig at The Poetry Cafe to celebrate the launch of IF POEMS WERE PIES, another trip to POETRY UNPLUGGED - whilst I already have 50 new poems almost ready for CAVEMAN LOGIC... On top of all that I also put together a new compilation of my poems since 1992 called SHY YETI RULES O.K.

APRIL: Out and about over the Easter holidays taking photos for my books and posing with SHY YETI RULES O.K. as I write the final few poems for CAVEMAN LOGIC.

MAY: CAVEMAN LOGIC is almost complete and I begin to work on THE SHY LIFE, whilst taking loads of photos on various days out as we move towards summer...

JUNE: More trips away to Hull, Bridlington and Beverley - so more photos and more poems for THE SHY LIFE... CAVEMAN LOGIC comes out late in the month, a couple of weeks earlier than expected! I have also begun to use BLOGTV to preview some of my new poems...

JULY: I spend a lot of time on BLOGTV trying out some of my new poems and on the 12th July have my first book launch of the year for all the new books, including my latest Mouse of Commons collection of short stories.

AUGUST: Two and a half weeks of this month are spent overseas - travelling from Munich along the Danube to Vienna and then onto Budapest. Loads of photos taken, a couple of poems completed, THE SHY LIFE is proofread and much fun is had too! :) I am also preparing for my next gig...

SEPTEMBER: CAVEMAN LOGIC gig and BLOGTV gig are the two biggest highlights - as well as a return to open-mike night towards the end of the month and the start of my next collection DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?...

OCTOBER: My long weekend in Nice at the start of the month provides me with some new poems and plenty of photos for DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? (to be published early next year!) and the finishing touches are made to THE SHY LIFE.

NOVEMBER: THE SHY LIFE is published - another book launch and a trip to Krakow for my birthday which provides both photos and inspiration for DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

DECEMBER: Work on DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? continues, as I begin my next collection: LA MORT D'AMOUR/THE DEATH OF LOVE and post two Christmas poems from this new project...

As far as 2010 is concerned, I hope to be doing another gig in the spring and would like to go to a few more open-mike nights, not only at THE POETRY CAFE. I'd also like to go on BLOGTV a bit more again and try out some of the new poems from DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? before the book is finished. On the books front DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? should be published by March and I'll also keep working on LA MORT D'AMOUR/THE DEATH OF LOVE and see how that goes. 2010 is also the 10th anniversary of the first MOUSE OF COMMONS novel, so I want to do more mousey work to mark that occasion and the next book: POSTCARDS FROM MCWHISKERS should be out before the summer.

Unless I come up with something marvellous before new year - this may be my last post of 2009, so I want to finish with something new. As mentioned when I posted BLACKMAILING SANTA last week - my second Christmas offering is a rather dark and possibly quite depressing poem called CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS. I hope you enjoy it and the idea of a skeleton family celebrating (or not) Christmas isn't too disturbing for you. I'm sure Christmas Dr Who will be twice as unnerving - so it's just something to get you in the spooky festive mood!

I hope to post something more on the MOUSE OF COMMONS blog before Christmas - so do check that out around Christmas eve time...

Thanks again for all your support this year and if you didn't support me, then shame on you - I'd say Santa will come and spank you, but people like you probably enjoy that sort of thing! Tut! :)

Bye for now. Merry Christmas and a Happy 2010!!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

PS I do hope you enjoy some of the festive photos posted here - as usual some of them have that certain shy yeti something! (ie: pulling daft and silly faces!!)

CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS


Christmastime for Mr Skeleton –
Isn’t like for you and I...
He has to steal to get his tinsel…
For he has no pennies left to buy!
But decorations are essential –
Yes, it’s all he seems to need…
He can't enjoy Christmas like we do…
Because he cannot really feed!
Give him pudding if you like –
But see it slide back out again…
Watch gravy dripping off his bones –
It's simply better to abstain!
He may once upon a time have –
Quite adored some festive cake…
But alas, it's now not practical…
Crumbs! It’s a very bad mistake!
Yes, even just a glass of port –
It may really prove a danger!
Leaving dribbles on the floor –
Could there be a sight more stranger?
With decorations through each ear –
And a fairy on his head…
With a bauble for an eyeball –
Because it makes him feel less dead!
A crimson garland round his neck...
A little glitter on his clothes!
A string of lights across his shoulders –
And a fir cone up his nose!
He tries his hardest that’s for sure –
And he is certainly no slacker!
At least he’s never gonna choke –
Upon the contents of a cracker!
It’s just quite hard to be excited –
Or to embrace some Christmas cheer!
When it’s just not in your bones –
And you can’t grab a sneaky beer!
Well, he does his very best…
Despite the mess he may create!
Despite all the trials life deals –
When he’s early – still he’s late!


Christmastime for Mrs Skeleton –
Isn’t like for normal types…
So much mess goes on the floor!
She is awash with kitchen wipes!
Modern ways have not caught on –
Even though she now is dead!
With her husband fast asleep –
There’s still the budgie to be fed!
If she had her way she’d skip this –
It only gets her in a state…
She just looks silly decked in holly…
The dead don’t need to decorate…
No, they should lie within their graves –
And simply get some well-earned rest…
Maybe play a round of Snap…
But there’s no need for Sunday best!
There is no need to have the folks round;
There is no need to entertain…
Mrs S. she doesn’t want it –
For what on earth, now, can they gain?
Oh, what need they now with presents?
Yes, why need they swap a gift?
Mr S. still has his views –
“It simply gives the year a lift!”
It’s very easy though to say it…
But so much harder to arrange…
Mrs S she sits and dreams –
She’s really hoping for a change…
She will no longer wear that tinsel –
Keep stray baubles in her head…
No, she will face up to the fact –
That she’s okay with being dead!
Because this season ain’t for shopping –
It just wears out her bony feet…
It’s not for slaving in the kitchen –
On food she cannot ever eat!
There is no need for party games –
Nor to start that New Year diet!
This year all she wants for Christmas –
Is just a little peace and quiet…




CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS and all poems in this blog are copyright to Paul Chandler 2009.

SOME NEW COVERS AND A NEW POEM FOR CHRISTMAS...

Hi,

In this post I present to you a few of the potential covers that I've been working on for DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS, since I decided the original design was too dark.

I think, realistically I'm actually going to use both of the white covers (one for hardback - one for paperback), but with the sparkly back cover of the YETI cover.

We shall see...

Anyway! I'm really here to post a new poem! It's a REALLY new one and won't even be in DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?, but in the collection after that: LA MORT D'AMOUR. It's one of three things that I am posting up for Christmas (two poems and hopefully a short story on the Mouse blog...) The first poem is called BLACKMAILING SANTA and it was written today during my commute and a break at work - the next poem I'm still putting the finishing touches to and is called THE BALLAD OF THE CHRISTMAS SKELETON and I'll post that next tuesday, 22nd December 2009.

I hope you like the new poem - it's only a draft at this stage, but has already received a few pleasing chuckles from those who have read it!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

BLACKMAILING SANTA


I've been blackmailing Santa…
'Cos I know that he lies!
He is really a twink…
Just a twiglet in size…
Yet he makes out he's massive -
With his big beard, to go…
With his jolly red face -
And a deep "Ho-ho-ho…"
Still, I've told him directly -
That I'm not gonna tell…
But I want some good presents;
Nicely wrapped up, as well...
I'm expecting some gold -
Or a nice piece of bling!
I'm expecting some carols -
And I want him to sing!
I've been blackmailing Santa...
Yes, his sleigh I may burn!
'Cos if I don't treat him mean -
Then he's not going to learn!


I've been blackmailing Santa…
Now he's looking morose...
No, he cannot be trusted -
And his eyes are too close!
He's been using fake snow -
Isn't full of good cheer…
Sold his reindeers for burgers -
Spent the whole lot on beer!
I've made sure that he knows -
That I'm not gonna snitch…
That I'm not going to mention -
His tastes ever-so kitsch!
But I'm expecting good luck -
Nothing more - nothing less…
Yes, and maybe a butler -
Who can help me to dress!
I've been blackmailing Santa…
I know I've got to be tough!
Yes, I'll tickle his toes -
'Til, he's had more than enough!


I've been blackmailing Santa…
'Cos I know that he'll fib…
'Cos I know that he dribbles -
Can't we get him a bib?
He pretends that his gifts -
Are all made by his staff!
But they're all from the pound shop…
He is having a laugh!
But I'll ensure no-one hears -
Of his sad wicked ways!
I'm just here to ensure -
That old beardy, he pays!
I'm expecting a car -
Yes - and maybe a yacht!
Oh, a nice little island…
Which time long since forgot!
I've been blackmailing Santa -
'Cos he's looking too smug…
I'm gonna sit on his lap!
And I want more than a hug!


I've been blackmailing Santa…
I am making him blush…
I am liking his look -
I have got me a crush!
But I'm not going to let him -
Slip right off the hook…
He's been a tad misbehaved…
Wanna get me a look...
Wanna see what he's wearing -
Underneath his red suit…
He's a very bad dad!
Yet, he's still looking cute...
I'm going to get what I want -
Poor old Santa looks paler…
But he don't get any choice -
I'm an expert blackmailer…
Yes, I've been blackmailing Santa...
He'll not get off with a fine...
I'm gonna have me a grope…
He's my present; all mine!

SHY YETI PRESENTS - A PICTURE WAT I DREW AND A NEW POEM...

Hi,

Well - I may be able to write the odd poem or hundred; but I have never claimed to be an artist. I still don't - however I have surprised even myself by a little drawing I did this weekend using some lovely oil crayons that I bought when at an art fair in Harrogate the other week. As those of you who read my blog have seen I have begun to do collages when working on my recent covers and so was there to help out a friend and also get some ideas for future covers for any books I release in 2010. The cover for my next book: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS is already complete - but it was whilst at the art fair that Kirk suggested THE DEATH OF LOVE as a title and I thought it sounded good in French; hence the next book being called LA MORT D'AMOUR... So expect a suitably dramatic cover for that.

Anyway - the drawing that appears here is a first attempt; but has given me some ideas for more. I've decided to post the title collection from my next book to go with this new picture; although it's more of a scarecrow or snowman than a yeti.

I hope you like it. Just shows you - even if you think you can't draw for toffee - sometimes it's worth having a go. :) You may come up with something you or other people really like...

Enjoy the poem!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx


DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?


Do yeti wear pyjamas?
Or would they simply be too warm?
Would they need a large umbrella –
If they were caught within a storm?
Would they wear nothing more than socks?
In the deepest midst of winter?
Would they view a bedroom farce –
Or are they far more into Pinter?
In the summer is a bobble hat –
The order of the day?
Would they eat a peach or pear –
Or just prefer a Milky Way?
There is much that's still a mystery –
About the yeti and its thinking!
Can they flaw some errant villain –
Quickly; just by simply blinking!
Can they read your mind completely?
Would they do so for a bet?
Oh yes, there’s still so much we need to know –
About the yeti YET!!


Do yeti wear stilettos?
Even though it makes them totter?
Do they read a little Shakespeare –
Or much prefer a Harry Potter?
Do they like to sing to rock –
Or are their voices far too croaky?
Will they croon "I will eat pies..."
Each time they go to karaoke?
It's hard to guess what makes them tick?
If you should catch one unawares!
Are they relaxed or very vain?
About the greying of their hairs?
There is so much that's still unknown –
About the yeti and their living...
When it comes to birthday presents –
Are they really very giving?
Do they like their curry spicy?
Do they love their coffee wet?
There is oh so much we need to know –
About the yeti YET!!


Do yeti wear galoshes –
Or are their feet just far too wide?
Would they look dead good in white?
Just like some sweetly blushing bride?
Would they ever try their chances –
Pirouetting in the ballet?
Do they ever take vacations –
Out to Paris - or to Calais?
Or is it simply much too hard?
Do other tourists rudely stare?
Well, a yeti wouldn't want to –
Cause a fright or badly scare!
There is still so much to learn –
About the yeti and its ways!
No, they're never really fierce –
And being nice not just a phase!
Well, they often seem quite sad –
As if they're filled with some regret...
There is still so much we need to know;
About the yeti YET!!


Do yeti wear suspenders –
Just to keep their assets snug?
Do they ever seem quite distant?
Do they crave a friendly hug?
Do they like to share a story;
Of fine days, long since passed by...
Would they take a bath in treacle?
And if they did; DO tell me WHY?
Are they fresh and lemon smelling?
Or are they sadly pretty stinky?
Are they ever-so straight-laced?
Or really truly rather kinky?
As they gulp down cups of tea –
Deep down beneath their perfect sheen!
There is so much under wraps –
About the yeti's odd routine...
Would you like to get to know one?
Would you like one as a pet?
Well, if you did maybe you'd learn
THE TRUTH!!!
About that sly old yeti; YET!!!

SHY YETI'S SECOND FURTASTIC BOOK LAUNCH OF 2009

Friday 6th November 2009

Hi,

As promised - a little later than planned; here are some of the photos from my last book launch, just before my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Thanks to everyone who came along - I didn't get photos of everyone, but thanks to Calum, Steve, Sean mark 1, Harry, Lucy, Calum, Gareth, Andrew, Gibson, Miles, Robert, Tom, Vinnie, Sean mark 2and David for coming along on the night and extra added thanks for the birthday presents, card and cake. Apologies if I left anyone's name off...

There is also a new poem from the next collection: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? at the end - as mentioned earlier this week - a silly little ditty called THE YETI OF MUSWELL HILL... It's only a first draft - but I like it...

I hope you like the poem and enjoy the photos, which are at the end after the poem...

Furry hugs,

Paul x

THE YETI OF MUSWELL HILL

There once was a yeti –
Up in old Muswell Hill…
Who would peep in through windows –
And sunbathe on the sill!
Still, folk weren't too bothered –
He was a beast of few words;
But it only took a quick growl…
Just to scare off the birds…
He was the very best scarecrow –
That a plant could desire…
The very best baby-sitter –
That a young mother could hire!
Yes, the very best waiter...
Who could ever deliver!
In all of North London –
A furry, fleet-footed thriller!
Down in old Hampstead woods –
Watching blooms in the spring!
Down the road at the Palace –
With his cat on a string...
If you ever did see him –
On the town - on the prowl...
He, more often than not...
Wore a large bathroom towel –
And a pink pair of slippers...
And a chic beret from Gap…
But he'd always say hi –
Yes, and then raise his cap!
He would go buy some milk –
Or a nice currant bun!
Go and sit on the hill –
And just lie in the sun…
Yes, it's the weirdest of stories...
I am sure you have heard…
For his lunch he'd eat kippers –
Serve his tea, lightly stirred...
What a life he did lead!
He'd just sit and he'd paint...
Maybe chase a few squirrels –
Plant a seed and just wait!
He would sweep up the leaves –
Turn them into a scarf…
Meet his friends for a pint –
Maybe only drink half…
He would keep his fur clean –
Take a bath in a pond…
If you sent him a note –
He would always respond!
Always lent out a paw…
To those in dire need…
What a gent without doubt!
A fine beastie, in tweed...
Oh, there once was a yeti –
Who lived high on the Hill…
He made his home in my shed…
Now he's living there still…
He'll always pop in for cake –
Or a cup of Earl Grey…
For he is one of the family –
Yes - and long may he stay!

Above. Calum and the new book - both covers!!

Above. Now Robert, I'm sure you can pull a nicer face than that...

Above. Okay, that will just have to do! NEXT!!!

Above. Sean and the new book - again, both covers!

Above. Steve and Lucy strike a good pose...

Above. Excellent! And another...

Above. Gareth and Andrew and the new book...

Above. Who writes this rubbish!? Oh... I do!

Above. Calum again - this time in portrait!

Above. Harry will only EVER read a book upside down!

Above. Steve and the Yeti... :)

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? - UPDATE...

Hello! Apologies for the delay in posting photos from the book launch a couple of weeks ago - the photos were taken on my flat-mate's camera and I've not been home to retrieve them since. Work on the next book is going well - I recently completed 4 more poems whilst in Krakow for my birthday and have approximately 48 poems for the next book - which means that I really ought to stop writing pretty soon!


At this rate the next book will be out early in the new year. I am planning a book of poems and monologues for the collection after DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS - but more on that nearer the time.

Hopefully I'll post all the new titles soon.


I have two new poems that I want to share with you - THE YETI OF MUSWELL HILL and CAT FOOD IN MY EYEBROWS... I'm going to save one for the next post (number 120!!) when I post the photos from the book launch - I think I'll go for the second of those two pieces for this post! The photos included were all taken during my Krakow visit between the 8th and 11th November 2009.

Enjoy! More soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx


CAT FOOD IN YOUR EYEBROWS…

You’ve got cat food in your eyebrows –
And your bra on inside out…
You look a little insecure –
Without a shadow of a doubt…
Oh, your mascara’s running fast…
It’s making patterns down your face!
You are sipping at your coffee –
And sitting staring into space…
I’m unsure if you’ve gone ga-ga…
Or if it’s just your brand new look!
Are you reading people’s minds –
Or just perusing some good book?
With your shoes on back-to-front…
Yes, with your bow-tie far too tight!
With your eyes all out on stalks…
Can you still put our world to rights?


Oh, you have cat food in your eyebrows;
And your pants upon your head!
In one ear a mouldy carrot –
Up your nose, what looks like bread!
With a melon for a helmet –
Yes, with your paper mache blouse…
With your fab milk bottle specs –
Back in your field amongst the cows!
Are you playing us some joke?
Or simply just taking the Michael?
Or is there meaning in your madness?
Or are you trying to recycle?
With your hair a sickly pink –
With your awkward twisted smile…
Well, your image is eccentric –
And yet you have an awesome style!


You’ve got cat food in your eyebrows –
You’re in fashion – that’s for sure…
It is a bold and unique vision –
And no, it’s not been done before!
With a squirrel for a scarf –
And with a dormouse as an aide…
With a pigeon as your chauffeur –
It’s an image all self-made!
Everybody knows your name –
Yes, now many want to be you…
But if you’ve become a slave to fashion;
Then quite happily I’ll free you…
With your dinner in your pocket –
Fish and chips on either side…
You come equipped for all occasions!
You should be someone’s blushing bride!


Oh, you have cat food in your eyebrows!
Which is a look I’ve learnt to like…
You always look a little dotty…
You always wobble on your bike!
You always seem a little cranky…
Did you get cat food in your eye?
Did you lose your melon helmet?
Well, am I nosey now to pry…
With your piercing bloodshot eyes –
And your tongue-tied soliloquies…
Well, I find you quite bewitching…
Oh baby, won’t you be my squeeze?
I’ll eat the cat food from your eyebrows;
I’ll let you do just what you please…
I just love everything about you…
Your witchy nose – your knobbly knees!

SHY YETI - KING OF POLITICS!!

Hello,

This is a new poem which will appear next year in my new book: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS... It's hot off the press and we really did have a visit from a certain PM at the place where I work, today. Did I really make him do the hoovering - YES - but do you think he'll ever admit to it? No... Politicians! They're all the same! Don't worry Gordy, we love you really... Yeah, right.

I'm off to my book launch later - and then off to Krakow - so more next once I return; one year older!!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA…

The day the Prime Minister came to tea…
Oh, what a day so very thrilling…
I really put him on the spot -
I really gave him quite a grilling!
I showed where the hoover was -
He was so full of pomp and bluster…
But I really put him in his place -
And yes, I handed him a duster…
I had him drive me down to ASDA -
I had him do my weekly shop!
I could see him simply sulking -
But I wouldn't put up with his strop!
I sent him to the naughty corner -
I made him wear the dunces cap!
I made him say his twelve times table -
I wouldn't let him take a nap!
For there was far too much to do…
I had him putting up a shelf…
I had him cleaning out the shed…
I had him sharing out his wealth!
Yes, when the PM came to tea…
It was my gain - it was his loss!
I think he really got the message!
I think he saw that I was boss…


The day the Prime Minister came to tea…
I looked him full on in the eyes…
I think he saw who was in charge -
I had him mucking out the sties!
I had him on his hands and knees -
I had him picking up the litter…
Then I went out to have some fun -
I used him as a baby sitter…
It really made me feel much better -
For all the taxes that we pay…
He was good value for the money -
Sweeping up without delay…
But alas he made a little mess...
When I found out, yes I complained!
He may be leader of our country -
But, as yet, not toilet trained…
I ensured he knew for certain -
What was up, yeah - what was wrong!
They never learn unless you teach 'em -
You must be tough - you must be strong!
Yes, when the PM came to tea -
I really was a gracious host…
I had him scrubbing out the bath -
I had him making me some toast…


The day the Prime Minister came to tea…
I made him see the error of his ways…
I think we nearly shared a moment -
I'm sure I saw his longing gaze…
But I had to tell him to back off!
I had to tell him, sadly, no…
I'd never date down to his level -
I'm sure he found it quite a blow!
But he was there to do a job…
I had him cleaning out the pool!
I had him polishing my silver!
I had him wipe away my drool!
I had him wallpaper my boudoir!
I had him massaging my cat!
I could see he wasn't happy -
But I really have no truck with that!
He needs to learn a life of real work!
Not just the nice stuff he can choose!
I'll get him licking round the rim, next…
Scraping dog poo off my shoes!
The day the PM came to tea…
I did not charge him - not a shilling!
No, I should have really made him pay!
Yeah, I could have really made a killing!

THE SHY LIFE - LIFE IS ALWAYS CHANGING!!!

As the date of THE SHY LIFE book launch rapidly approaches (it's this friday: 6th November...) I can now announce that THE SHY LIFE has put on a few pounds in weight since I first announced its birth last week...

It is now 256 pages long!! I decided to add a few as there was spare paper at the back of the proof copy I received. I could have removed 2 or added 6 and so I decided to add a small section covering the various covers and books that I have been working on during 2009! The price remains the same - so it's even better value than before...

There are also further changes!!

The cover of the paper back has changed - see below:


So only a limited edition went out with the previous cover - the link for the new edition remains the same as: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-shy-life/7377262

There is also now a hardback cover too - as below:


It's £14.99 and the link to it is: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/the-shy-life/7863920

It's also available to download from Lulu for just £4.99.

I hope you like the changes and will consider purchasing a copy at some stage, either from myself directly or from LULU.COM.

I'm off to Krakow for my birthday on sunday (although my birthday is Tuesday the 10th) - so they'll be more photos on this blogsite and in forthcoming books. DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? is still continuing well and I'm on my way to have almost 40 poems complete. To finish with - here is another poem from: THE SHY LIFE... Pretty soon I'll begin posting up a few of the even newer ones - as well as giving details of some forthcoming BLOGTV shows in late November. I am also beginning to get back to work on the next MOUSE OF COMMONS book too: POSTCARDS FROM MCWHISKERS... But more on that on www.mouseofcommons.blogspot.com as things progress...

I hope you like the poem, it's one of my favourites from the new book and was written almost exactly this time last year when I was away in Oslo for my birthday.

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE UNAFFORDABLE FJORD


He bought a fjord –
He couldn’t afford…
His wife she nearly had kittens…
“Do step aboard…
My lovely fjord!
But it’s cold –
So I suggest you wear mittens!”


His wife wasn’t pleased…
“I might well FREEZE!!
I won’t step upon something that icy!”
He made plaintive pleas;
Down on bended knees…
She said;
“Well, I shall go – but it’s gonna be pricey…”


He bought a fjord –
He couldn’t afford…
Well, his wife’s frozen looks made him shiver…
“My darling, Maud…
This almighty fjord;
Will be good for your heart and your liver…”


His wife gave a scowl…
As he passed her a towel…
As she sat on the ice oh-so chilly…
Well, she gave a loud howl…
Like some rambunctious owl!
But soon grew accustomed and then felt quite silly…


Yes, he bought a fjord –
He couldn’t afford…
But in the end this alone saved his marriage…
This is true and no fraud!
Yes, he would pilot that fjord –
And his wife would ride it…
Like a queen in her very own carriage!

THE SHY LIFE IS RELEASED FROM CAPTIVITY!!!

Hi,

I just thought I'd give you a little more information on the new book: THE SHY LIFE, which is now available from LULU. I'll be having a book launch party for it on Friday 6th November 2009; so expect some photos soon! :) I'm busy working on the next collection: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? and have, so far, completed 32 new poems. Although I will keep you up to date on how I progress with this you can get more regular updates via my Twitter page. See more below. At the end of this post you will also find a new poem of mine; one of my favourites from the new collection: STEALING MY THUNDER.

Anyway... Onto the new book!!

THE SHY LIFE
by PAUL CHANDLER
Paperback, 250 pages, £9.99 + p&p

THE SHY LIFE is the third and final book of Paul's 2009 trilogy containing fifty completely new poems; from the silly to the more serious. They were written during summer 2009 and include: THE CREATIVE GNU, COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER, AN ESKIMO IN MY TEA, HOLLYWOOD: LOW BUDGET, PROUD TO BE A LIBRARIAN, RESCUING BEAR CUBS ON BUSES and THE UNAFFORDABLE FJORD, which Paul has performed at gigs and open-mike nights this year. There are also links to all the BLOGTV shows that Paul has done this summer, photos from the summer European tour and news on how his book launches and gigs have gone!

You can read more about it and preview some of the pages at:

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-shy-life/5623371

If you'd like to keep up with my Tweets (which are mostly about my writing) on Twitter, then my account is: http://twitter.com/SHYYETI

To finish with here is the new poem!

I hope you enjoy it! More soon from both the new collection and the even newer collection!! :)

Take care.

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS The version of "THE SHY LIFE" cover used above was the one I had during my trip to Nice in early October 2009 - the cover has since changed slightly and the new version can be seen via the link to the LULU site. :)


STEALING MY THUNDER


Why DO they keep stealing my thunder?
Why DON’T they get some of their own?
They could go and buy some on the net –
Or I hear it's quite easily grown!
My thunder is no-one's for taking...
It belongs just to me, that *IS* that!
I use it to frighten the birds off –
Or to help shoo away next-door's cat!
They grumble because they can't have it!
And they give me the fiercest of stares!
What makes them come after my thunder?
Do they just want it because it's not theirs?


They keep on just stealing my thunder…
They are thieves and they're liars to boot –
& can't keep their paws to themselves, no!
They're obsessed with desire to loot…
My thunder is kept in a suitcase;
Which I like to keep under my bed…
But they sneaked in and tried to obtain it!
So I keep it now close to my head!
I keep it there under my hat now!
But I fear that they'll find it, in time…
Why can't they just get their own thunder?
Rather than resorting to vile petty crime!?!


They're out there; out stealing my thunder!
Does it make them feel terribly big?
Do they get off on being the bully?
But one with the might of a twig!
My thunder is mine and it's precious...
It was passed down to me by my nan!
In the summer I also use lightning –
Just to get me an all-over tan!
It is mine and I like to unleash it...
No, I'm not going to give it away!
Oh, what would life be without thunder!?
Storms would sound silly; in sad disarray!


They're after it - after my thunder...
If they don't stop I'm gonna get mean!!
I will do a rain dance just to spite them...
To cause storms like you never have seen!
Well, my temper is short and it's fiery!
If they thieve or attempt to just plunder!
They'll soon see all the fury I'm storing –
And my anger is rumbling like thunder!
If they try it – I’ll give ‘em regrets though!
So, I'll make one last friendly appeal...
If you wish to purloin you some thunder!
Get your own dear and please do not steal!

COUNTDOWN TO "THE SHY LIFE"

Hello!

It's now less than a month until my next collection "THE SHY LIFE" is to be published, although at time of writing I still have about another two weeks of frantic proofreading to complete - but if all goes to plan the final version of the book should go to Lulu by Friday 23rd October, two weeks before the book launch on Friday 6th of November 2009. Keep your paws crossed for me, please.

In this post I intend to post a chronology of the writing of "THE SHY LIFE" to date as well as briefly covering my recent BLOGTV gig on the 30th September. I am also just back from Nice where I was working on my next collection "DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?" and have currently written more than a dozen new pieces with a number of others nearly complete. I was also taking some photos for this new collection whilst in France and am travelling to Poland to take some more in mid-November. You'll also see a few of the Nice photos in this post. Titles for the next book currently include: ASK NICELY..., BREAKING HEARTS IS SUCH A BITCH!!, THE CAFFEINE QUEEN..., A CHEERLEADER FOR YOU!!, D.J., DARLING..., DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?, FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE..., JUST HOW SLUTTY ARE LIBRARY BOOKS?, LOVELY LIES..., LOVE YOU, STINKY..., THE MYSTERIOUS ART OF LUMPOLOGY..., NEIGHBOURS FOR NOW..., A SAINT OR A SINNER!?, SECOND 29TH BIRTHDAY..., A VAMPIRE FOR CAKE...

Once "THE SHY LIFE" is off to the printers I will post another entry and include one of the new poems from this collection.

But for now - here is how the new book came to be almost ready for publication!

I hope you find it and some of the photos of interest! The cover of "THE SHY LIFE" that appears in the photos is slightly different from the finished version - sadly the pink fluffy hat has been banished!! :)

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE SHY LIFE - A TIME LINE

APRIL 2009

9th April – THERE AREN’T ANY NEW TRICKS, the first poem for THE SHY LIFE is begun – only another 7 months and the book will be published!

MAY 2009

12th May – THERE AREN’T ANY NEW TRICKS completed.

26th May – THE SHY LIFE first mentioned on my blog as the tentative title for the collection after CAVEMAN LOGIC.

During May a total 12 new poems are completed for the collection.

JUNE 2009

18th June – THE SHY LIFE is mentioned on my blog and is developing nicely!

20th June – MAKING TOAST FOR THE ENEMY is the first poem from THE SHY LIFE to be read during my 4th broadcast on BLOGTV.

24th June – THE FLAMINGO WHO HATED PINK read on my 6th BLOGTV show.

During June a total of 20 new poems are completed for the collection.

JULY 2009

2nd July – An entry on my blog discusses that THE SHY LIFE poems have been debuted on BLOGTV. On the same day I read PROUD TO BE A LIBRARIAN and FULL OF HOT AIR during my 11th BLOGTV.

4th July – During the second half of my 12th broadcast on BLOGTV I debut 4 new poems from THE SHY LIFE: HOLLYWOOD: LOW BUDGET, IF YETI WERE SHY, IT’S EASY BEING NICE IF YOU’VE A BUTLER and KISS ME QUICK.

6th July – During my 13th broadcast I read KISS ME QUICK again as I had run out of time during the previous show.

7th July – Located lost notebook containing a number poem ideas from a trip to Oslo in November 2008 and decided that they were worth finishing. These poems included THE UNAFFORDABLE FJORD, AN ESKIMO IN MY TEA and A LITTLE VIKING.

11th July – During my 15th broadcast I read RESCUING BEARCUBS ON BUSES and the AFFORDABLE FJORD in the first half of the show and A LITTLE VIKING, ARREST ME, HANDSOME and AN ESKIMO IN MY TEA during the second half.

15th July – An entry on my blog claims: THE SHY LIFE will be ready by November.

20th July – During my 18th broadcast I debut A DARK SIDE TO YOU.

21st July – During my 19th broadcast I debut I MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY BAD, I’M JUST TOO GOOD FOR THE MOVIES, IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME in the first half of the show and I’VE HAD ENOUGH, A FETE WORSE THAN DEATH and PARALLEL WORLD during the second half.

During July a total of 16 new poems are completed for the collection.

AUGUST 2009

1st-18th August – Proofreading for THE SHY LIFE is carried out during my Munich to Budapest trip, travelling along the Danube via Vienna. The last two poems are completed: THE CREATIVE GNU and COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER. Also whilst away many photos which appear in the finished book are taken.

22nd August – I debut THE CREATIVE GNU and COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER during my 20th BLOGTV broadcast.

25th August – An entry on my blog mentions that the proofreading has been done whilst away – around this time I am adding photos from the book to the existing copy. The first poem to be posted from THE SHY LIFE also appears in this blog entry: THE CREATIVE GNU, one of the poems that I completed on holiday.

During August the final 2 poems are completed and proofreading begins.

SEPTEMBER 2009

7th September – A 254 page draft of THE SHY LIFE is sent to Lulu.com and 2 copies are produced. The finished books needs to be edited down by approximately 4 pages and photos and a report from the September gig will be added.

8th September – During a blog entry the full list of poem titles from THE SHY LIFE is revealed, as well as the publication date (Friday 6th November), the page count and price. Another of the holiday poems: COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER is posted at the same time, only the 2nd poem from the new book to be posted, so far.

11th September – The draft Lulu version of THE SHY LIFE arrives and I begin to make some changes, reducing the number of screen-grabs used in the BLOGTV section, lightening some of the photos and adding this TIME LINE section.

16th September – At my CAVEMAN LOGIC gig on this day I read 4 poems from THE SHY LIFE. These were: COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER, HOLLYWOOD: LOW BUDGET, IF YETI WERE SHY and KISS ME QUICK.

30th September – Now busy with my next book: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS, I do a BLOGTV show version of my recent Poetry Café gig, with a couple of changes: IF YETI WERE SHY, RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR, THINGS AIN’T WHAT THEY USED TO BE (PT 1), READY, TEDDY, GO…, WAVES, THE CAFFEINE QUEEN, BREAKING HEARTS IS SUCH A BITCH!!, UNFULFILLED, FLAUNT TRADITION, KISS ME QUICK, HERBAL TEABAGS, LAS VEGAS LIPS, THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY, CAVEMAN LOGIC, THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR, FLOOZY, SOON ON YOUR WAY, COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER, THE TRUE LIGHT, A LEARNING EXPERIENCE, I WILL EAT PIES, DISCO, EXIT PURSUED BY A YETI

OCTOBER 2009

1st – 4th October – Continued final proofreading of THE SHY LIFE and work on new material. Having received the draft hard copy from Lulu I work on final editing during a trip to Nice between the 1st and the 4th of October - with only a few changes to be made on my return...

Here are some of the photos from the Nice trip - THE SHY LIFE should reach the printers by 23rd October and be ready for my book launch on 6th November... Postal strikes allowing!

MY SECOND COVENT GARDEN GIG

POETRY CAFE, WEDNESDAY 16TH SEPTEMBER 2009, 19.00-21.00

Originally scheduled for Sunday 6th September, my second Poetry Café gig of 2009 eventually took place ten days later on Wednesday the 16th of September. Due to mid-week-itus the turn out was smaller than hoped, but those who did turn up did an amazing job of making it a really fun night. I read a mixture of the old, the new and the even newer; as well as some pieces that I’ve never read live before and also one of my Auntie Astrid columns from the Mouse of Commons books. The idea of asking the audience to select a title from 4 random poems seemed to work too and resulted in me reading poems like WOULD AUDREY HEPBURN DO IT and YOU AND WHOSE ARMY, which I’d not thought about in ages. I think my favourite poem of the night was WHY AGNES, YOU’RE LOVELY! Simply because I surprised myself by how it came out when I read it. I was also pleased how well one of my newest poems THE CAFFEINE QUEEN went, whilst the random poems called out from CAVEMAN LOGIC turned out to be some of the weirdest ones! The other poem that seemed to have gone down well was WAVES, which was written about the death of my Great Aunt Jessie in 2001; it was lovely to here that it seemed to have affected people. As far as old poems were concerned I read YOUR APRIL FOOL because Gareth, who inspired it was in the audience, MY DOG IN A DRESS got another outing as Neph was there and YOUR CAT LIKES ME SO MUCH for Kirk as it was inspired by his cat. I finished with three favourites – A LEARNING EXPERIENCE and I WILL EAT PIES actually being called for by the audience.

Thanks to Anthea, Calum, Gareth, Harry, Johnnie, Kirk, Neph, Ross and Robert for coming a long and making an old yeti very happy!!

THE SHY LIFE is due out November 6th and I'll be posting more poems from it soon!

Bye for now!!

Yeti hugs,

Paul x


WHICH POEMS I READ…

This is pretty much the order in which I read the poems on the night, but I did go rather drastically off the original order from the programme; resuscitating some new poems and allowing the audience to dictate what I read more along the way by offering them 4 titles and getting them to choose one and then later repeating this by getting them to select titles from CAVEMAN LOGIC which were printed in their programme. What poems they chose from is lost in the mists of time (it was all such a frantic poetic whirl!) and the exact order that I read the poems, as listed below, might be slightly incorrect for the same reason.

FIRST HALF

IF YETI WERE SHY
RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR
THINGS AIN’T WHAT THEY USED TO BE (PT 1)
READY, TEDDY, GO…
WAVES
UNFULFILLED
(AUDIENCE CHOSE FROM 4 TITLES)
THE CAFFEINE QUEEN
I WANT THEM TO SEE ME (ON TOP OF THE POPS)
WHY AGNES, YOU’RE LOVELY!
POLITELY ENRAGED
DO SHEEP MIGRATE
RABBITS DON’T REALLY LIKE LETTUCE
(CHOSEN BY AUDIENCE - 4 TITLES)
HERBAL TEABAGS
FOXED
LITTLE PIG
MY DOG IN A DRESS
REVOLUTION ON THE 8.15
BETTER BY FAR
KISS ME QUICK
WE WERE GOING TO BE WED…
CHILLI PEPPER FINGERS
FLAUNT TRADITION
WOULD AUDREY HEPBURN DO IT?
(CHOSEN BY AUDIENCE - 4 TITLES)
YOUR APRIL FOOL
DISCO

SECOND HALF

EXIT PURSUED BY A YETI
FURRY FROM THE DEEP
HOPELESS ROMANTIC
HOLLYWOOD: LOW BUDGET
LAS VEGAS LIPS
GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY
HENS AND STAGS
YOU AND WHOSE ARMY
(CHOSEN BY AUDIENCE - 4 TITLES)
AUNTIE ASTRID’S ANGST ARENA: DEREK ANTEATER
CAVEMAN LOGIC
BUY ME A POET’S LICENCE
ATTACK CAT
PSYCHOPATHIC POPPADOMS
EDNA LOVELYSHOES
OWLS IN BRAS
SARCASM VS SURREALISM
(AUDIENCE CHOSE LAST 5 POEMS)
YOUR CAT LIKES ME SO MUCH
THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR
SOON ON YOUR WAY
COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER
THE TRUE LIGHT
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
I WILL EAT PIES