HAPPY BIRTHDAY WWW.SHYYETI.COM...

OUR BLOG'S 250TH POST!!

Hello beasties!!

Don't be afraid of the fellow in our drawing; that's just the illustration that Adam M Botsford (from: http://adammbotsford.blogspot.co.uk/) has drawn to go with my poem SHAVING WEREWOLVES from my forthcoming NOT AS SHY AS I WAS collection. He won't hurt you... He's about to have his hair cut! The werewolf, I mean - not Adam. Adam's nice too and I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't hurt you either, but that's beside the point!

Anyway, this week it's our 250th post - it's only taken 10 years and a little under 10 months to get there...

But that's fine - there's never been any rush!

So what are we going to discuss this week?

Well, having launched a new book a couple of weeks ago:

See post: http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_02_10_archive.html

Not to mention launching a new episode and passing our 20,000th hit on the MRSHYYETI Youtube profile last week...

See post: http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_02_17_archive.html

This week I'm afraid all I have to offer for this anniversary post is some news and a new and as-yet-unpublished poem about a pig called Augustus. Oh, and maybe a little bit of nostalgia too as we look back at a few of the daft ditties that I have posted at this time of year over the last 250 posts.

So anyway, what's this news, you may ask?

Well, the first piece involves which SHY YETI ON LOCATION video I'm working on editing next, having finished the A YETI BACK IN DORSET video last week...

Originally I had thought about moving on to the Venice episodes that I filmed back in November 2012, but instead I have decided to work on those as the weather improves - releasing some sunny episodes as it begins to get more springy and sunny here in the UK seems like a good idea to me.

Instead I've started work on the two part special that was filmed in Brussels and Ghent during early October 2012. The trip was a bit of a mixture of rainy and sunny - so I will do my best to mix it around a bit so one episode doesn't appear completely drenched whilst the other remains crispy dry! I'm doing pretty well with the first episode and so I'm pretty confident that it'll be posted sometimes early in March.

Following the release of this two part series, here is a provisional release schedule of episodes that will follow it:

SHY YETI BOTTLES SUMMER (SEQUEL!)
VENICE EPISODES (2 PARTS)
LAKE DISTRICT SERIES (3-4 PARTS)
"WITHOUT A THEME" (I-II)

Of course there is also the snowy summer episode that I have already begun filming and any other new episodes that I film once the holiday season begins. I'm not entirely sure what I'll be up to during my Easter holiday or where I'll be spending all three weeks of my summer holiday - although I may or may not have mentioned that I'll be returning to the Lake District again at the start of August. This still leaves a trip somewhere in early October and potentially a couple of others in November as part of my 40th birthday holiday. I'm also hoping to go back to Dorset or somewhere similar at New Year... Ahem! Yes... I know! I plan FAR too far ahead... And yes, I DO already have ideas for where I want to go for my holidays in 2014 too...

Anyway, whilst I theorise over a number of potential trips that I'd like to make there is actually one location that I am now pretty much sure that I will be heading to; a holiday that I haven't mentioned to you yet...

It is my flatmate Calum's 40th birthday on the 31st May and, as of last week, we booked a trip to celebrate that which will be taking place over the first week of June... The location's a rather interesting and obscure one - not to mention a potentially scenic and interesting one - but goodness knows what the weather will be like...

So where are we going for that week?

The answer? The Shetland Islands...

As I say, I'm not sure how breezy or rainy it might be up there - or, for that matter, how many episodes I will manage to put together; although at worst I can always record the poems inland or indoors or dub the sound over some pretty views! We'll see... It should be an interesting trip, at any rate!

 

I thought I'd end this post by looking back at what I was sharing with you in a scattering of posts over the last 11 or so years and across the 250 posts that have gone up in that time... It is only over the last eighteen months that I have made a concerted effort to blog every week - so these are just a few choice cuts from posts that contain a poem or something particularly of note; in some years there are no posts for late February / early March.

Here's a look back to what I was posting almost exactly ten years to the day on this blog...

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2003_03_02_archive.html

At around the same time the following year I posted a poem called CRASHING BORES which is from my LOVESONGS collection, which is due the 10th anniversary treatment next year...

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2004_02_22_archive.html

In 2005 I was posting a poem called THE ONLY YOU THERE IS...

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2005_02_27_archive.html

Whilst four years later in 2009 I was considering the statement, IF POEMS WERE PIES...

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2009_02_22_archive.html

...and was also just about to do my first solo Poetry Cafe show...

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2009_03_01_archive.html

Whilst around this time in 2010 I posted a new poem about a CUPCAKE...

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2010_02_21_archive.html

and then the following week shared a rather daft prose piece about animal rights...

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2010_02_28_archive.html

Moving on now, before I sign off I'd like to tell you a bit about the new poem that I'm about to post and what exactly inspired me into writing it. Obviously, at first glance it's a pretty silly piece - and yes, it is a pretty silly piece, you're not wrong... But it was a particular piece of grafitti in Venice that inspired it - in fact it's the photo that appears just above the actual poem, below...

The poem is called AUGUSTUS THE TRUSTY GUIDANCE PIG... which probably comes from the fact that I took the picture when Dominic and I were getting lost around the Venice streets late in the afternoon in November 2012, during my most recent trip to the city.

Next week I'm going to be looking ahead to what is going to be happening over the next couple of months, including the first of 4 visits to The Poetry Cafe in 2013, some new Yeti videos and hopefully a number of location trips...

That's all for now - more soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS I also finished two or three new poems in the last week - the titles are YOUR NIGHTMARES (formerly THE GIRL OF YOUR NIGHTMARES), INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS and IT ONLY TAKES A MOUSE TO SNEEZE, all of which have been titles that I've been slowly working on since last year.

PPS I should also mention that just this weekend I filmed a version of the following poem, which I hope to include in my wintery summer special - due out, most probably, in July.

AUGUSTUS THE TRUSTY GUIDANCE PIG

Augustus the trusty guidance pig -
He is quite the tourist's dream!
No matter quite how lost you get;
He makes things closer than they seem!
He is a navigatory expert,
He's got your future neatly mapped!
His oink is really kind of cheeky -
Yet seems it never gets him slapped!
Raised on ordnance survey maps;
Each day he studies a selection!
He keeps an atlas in his bed -
It's why he's got such good direction!


Augustus the trusty guidance pig -
He is the saviour of the lost!
Of all those who took a wrong turn;
All those who simply never flossed!
He is a fine and learned scholar -
He will ensure you're path is laid!
That you will know which way to go -
When no directions are displayed!
He's always off on some adventure;
He's not the tired nor lazy sort!
In the dark, can find his way -
Around the tube with just a snort!


Augustus the trusty guidance pig -
He is the hero of the hour!
He has the training of a tour guide -
The city streets are in his power!
He is a champion of the needy;
He'll set you on your merry way!
In the detail he's unbeatable;
An aid for when you've gone astray!
Always first to find the way out -
Of the longest, hardest maze!
He always knows which way to turn -
Augustus, you we duly praise!

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.

NOW IT'S TIME TO TELL YOU ABOUT...

NOT AS SHY AS I WAS!

Hello beasties!

A new book? What, you say, already? Didn't ARE WE THERE, YETI? only come out last week?

Well, yes... Yes it did and just in case you forgot, here's all about it... AGAIN!

ARE WE THERE, YETI? contains over 100 pieces, mostly short stories, a few sketches and a dozen or so poems. Some of them are funny, some sad, some quirky, some plain creepy. They are stories that Paul Chandler (a.k.a. Shy Yeti) wrote between July and December 2011; much of it during his summer and autumn trips to the States. Poems include: GLUE TO MEND A BROKEN HEART, NEVER TRUST A SKINNY FISH AND CHIP MAN, INVITE A YETI ROUND FOR TEA, IS IT CHRISTMAS ALREADY!?, JOHN – I’M ONLY RHYMING, MY LONG LOST FRIEND and the title verse. Stories include: THE CREEPY SHOW, A CUP OF SUGAR, RATTLESNAKES, SANTA’S BIT ON THE SIDE and A YETI HISTORY LESSON OF HOLLYWOOD.

Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/are-we-there-yeti/12734066 £9.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/are-we-there-yeti/13615283 £15.99

Just so you know, the cover that appears at the top of the page isn't the finished cover, but an earlier version that I had considered when the book was originally due to be released back in autumn 2012. In the end I decided I wanted more colour photographs of me pulling daft faces - photos that appeared in the book and had been taken in the States where a lot of the poems and prose had been written too. The awesome cover artwork that appears on this earlier version by Pete K has appeared on a number of my other projects and is a regular title picture used during the end credits of many of my SHY YETI ON LOCATION episodes over the last few months.

I'll probably still post a couple more bits and pieces from the book nearer the time of the Poetry Cafe show to celebrate it in April. However I would like to begin telling you a bit more about the next collection now, which is nowhere near ready to be published, but is all written and will hopefully be available by the autumn...

Before we move on to the next collection I have a couple of other nice announcements...

On Wednesday 13th February 2013, our MRSHYYETI Youtube channel finally passed the 20,000 hits mark - needless to say I'm very pleased; this doesn't even include all the hits that we have on Vimeo too! We've already got another 300 + hits on top of that since reaching that landmark... To really take on board what an achievement for us this is let me just put it this way. Basically we have doubled our viewing figures in six months. We reached 10,000 hits back in August 2012 and it took two and a half years to reach that figure and only six short months to double it! Well, done viewing beasties - you've made me a very happy yeti fella, indeed. Keep watching and let's see how long it takes us to make 30,000 hits!!

Before I tell you about the next book I also have a new video to announce...

A YETI BACK IN DORSET was the last SHY YETI ON LOCATION video filmed in 2012 and the first to be filmed in 2013. In this episode Mr Yeti returns to the location of the very first SHY YETI ON LOCATION episode, that he posted back in January 2010. The episode includes 3 older poems, FROM THE MIND OF A TURNIP, DARK HORSE and A GAP IN THE MARKET from the forthcoming 10th anniversary edition of his fourth collection, GO 4TH AND DIVIDE - and one new (as yet unpublished piece) TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI. The episode was mainly filmed on the Dorset coast near Swanage, with a couple of short interludes back in Surrey. There are more yeti dances in this episode than in any previous edition of SHY YETI ON LOCATION. Camera: Paul Chandler, Calum Williamson Harry Fulton, Paul Hillier and Toby Warburton. Editing: Paul Chandler. Music: Luca and Spooky Yeti. All Copyright on this episode belongs to Paul Chandler, 2013. There will be more Yeti episodes coming soon!

Youtube: http://youtu.be/4W_ImFpmzUI

Vimeo: https://vimeo.com/59888941

This new episode is also our 100TH on the MRSHYYETI Youtube page - there are a few more included on the SHYYETI Vimeo account, as this site was the original home of yeti videos, as established back in the Summer of 2008.

Anyway, now it's time to turn back to NOT AS SHY AS I WAS... All I intend to share on this occasion are the titles. The writing for the collection finished back in the autumn, but there is still a lot to be done before the book is published. Some of the titles you may recognise as a number of the pieces have been posted here on this blog during 2012 when they were new - a number of others have appeared (or will appear soon) in SHY YETI ON LOCATION episodes too! I'll discuss them all in detail closer to the time, of course - but here is the line-up in full. At least as it stands at the moment. There aren't as many as 100 pieces in this collection, but there are a fair number, with a mixture of poems, prose and stories; with a little more of an even balance on this occasion between each type.

Here are the titles:

ANOTHER YETI POEM
AUNTIE ASTRID GOES TO GERMANY...
AT THE STRIKE OF MIDNIGHT...
AUTUMN’S COMING
THE BALLAD OF DEAD-EYED BOB...
THE BEAST OF FRIENDS (A POEM)
BEE-SOTTED
THE BRIDGE
BRITISH SUMMERTIME IS HERE
COME FOR TEA
COMING UNRAVELLED
CRACKING THE CRACKLESS EGG
DANCING KEEPS YOU YOUNG
DIFFICULT SECOND ALBUM
A DOLL’S LIFE
DRUNK ELK
AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
EVIL IVY
THE FALL-OUT SHELTER
FOR ALL TO SEE...
FROM WHERE I STAND...
GLAMOUR, AT ALL TIMES
GOTH’S DAY OFF
HELLO! HELLO! I’M HALLOWEEN...
A HUGE DECISION
I AM SICK (BUT DO I WANNA BE CURED?)
I’M A JELLY-FISH...
I CLEANED OUT MY DIRTY MIND...
IF I CAN’T HAVE A BULLDOG...
I LOST MY HEART TO A CORNISH PASTY (A SONG)
I THINK I USED TO BE A DOG
IT WAS ME...
JACK FROST’S CHILLI DIET
“JIIIIIIIIIIIM!?”
A JOB AT THE COUNCIL
THE LEAK
A LITTLE COMPANY
LOVES A GOOD CURRY
THE MAN-EATER OF SURREY GREEN
MANDATORY TRAINING
THE MELTING SNOWMAN
MINE OWN MINOTAUR (A SONG)
MISTER MOSQUITO
MIST YOU
MORE IS NOT ALWAYS MORE
MY BAGGAGE AND THE BEAST
NATIONAL TREASURE
A NICE HOT BATH
NOT AS SHY AS I WAS...
ON THE EDGE
PATIENCE IS THE KEY
QUEEN OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON
SAMSON’S UNRULY STREAK
SHAVING WEREWOLVES
SHE’S OUR BOSS
SOMETHING’S UP WITH ROCKY LOBSTER
SPRITELY AND STATUESQUE
A TART IN PRUDE’S CLOTHING
TOUCHWOOD (A MONOLOGUE)
THE TRUTH ABOUT CAKE
A UNICORN AT BREAKFAST
VISION
A WAKE-UP CALL
THE WALKING SEQUIN
THE WEDDING BREAKFAST
WE’RE ALL JUST BRAINS...
WHAT LIES WITHIN...
WHEN TODAY’S MODERN ARTISTS ARE NO LONGER MODERN
WIGS AND CO...
THE WORLD’S BEST WORSTEST DANCER
THE WORLD IS FULL OF BULLIES
A YETI IN A HAT
A YOUNG HEAD ON OLD SHOULDERS
YOUR CAKE-ADDLED MIND
ZOMBIE FLICKS ARE THE NEW ROM-COM

As well as the usual photos, this collection also contains artwork by two - hopefully three illustrators. But more about that nearer the time of publication.

Next week we'll be celebrating our 250th post and I'll be sharing some photos from a recent filming session, not to mention posting a recently completed poem... I will also have news about which yeti series I'll be editing next and details about a new filming location for later in the year! But that's it for now - more soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. Who could this person on the right be? Yes... It's me and my friend Nick Goodman when I was in the sixth year at Salisbury's Bishop Wordsworth's School - circa 1991. I'd better ask Nick, he would know exactly to the day, most probably!



This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.

ARE WE THERE, YETI? YES... FINALLY WE ARE!

Hello beasties!

This week we have a whole load of nice things lined up for you; including giving you all the details that you need to know about the new book, ARE WE THERE, YETI? (including a piece from it!). I'll also be concluding my preview of the new collection by looking at all the poems included in the volume.

So, without further ado let me just say that I am proud to be able to announce the publication of my new collection, ARE WE THERE, YETI!? which has been over 18 months in the making... Here's some information about it!


ARE WE THERE, YETI? contains over 100 pieces, mostly short stories, a few sketches and a dozen or so poems. Some of them a funny, some sad, some quirky, some plain creepy. They are stories that Paul Chandler (a.k.a. Shy Yeti) wrote between July and December 2011; much of it during his summer and autumn trips to the States. Poems include: GLUE TO MEND A BROKEN HEART, NEVER TRUST A SKINNY FISH AND CHIP MAN, INVITE A YETI ROUND FOR TEA, IS IT CHRISTMAS ALREADY!?, JOHN – I’M ONLY RHYMING, MY LONG LOST FRIEND and the title verse. Stories include: THE CREEPY SHOW, A CUP OF SUGAR, RATTLESNAKES, SANTA’S BIT ON THE SIDE and A YETI HISTORY LESSON OF HOLLYWOOD.

Paperback edition: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/are-we-there-yeti/12734066

Hardback edition: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/are-we-there-yeti/13615283

This week we look at the poems from the collection; less than 20 of the 100 items in the new book are pieces of rhyming verse, the rest - as we've already discussed are either full length short stories or prose pieces which are somewhere between poetry and a short story.

ARE WE THERE, YETI?

The title track! Every Shy Yeti book needs at least one yeti piece in it... This collection has, at least, four - but that's beside the point! This one is about taking a ride with a yeti and it not exactly going well!

CACTUS HEART

This originally intended to make its debut in this collection - but actually managed to sneak out and became the title-piece of a compilation of lost poems for lost loves. The "cactus heart" in this poem definitely sounds like a nasty piece of work!

GLUE TO MEND A BROKEN HEART

This is another poem that actually made its debut in the CACTUS HEART compilation that I released in the summer. It's quite a sad little piece and was written in a kind of verse/chorus fashion which could lend itself to a song, if the right tune came along.

INVITE A YETI ROUND FOR TEA...

Another yeti piece and one that I performed quite a bit during 2012, partly in shows - but also for one of my SHY YETI ON LOCATION episodes. This is basically about inviting a yeti around for tea, but very soon regretting that you did!

IS A TOADSTOOL A TOAD’S TOOL?

This piece was written as a play on words - a bit of a tongue twister. It does kind of make sense... Ish.

IS IT CHRISTMAS ALREADY?

One of my favourite poems from this collection - as it's a bit of a petty niggle of mine! I do hate that we start to hear about Christmas earlier and earlier each year. I don't really care for it anyway and I certainly don't want to be hearing about it in September or whenever! I recorded a version of this down in Broadstairs for one of my summer episodes.

JOHN, I’M ONLY RHYMING...

Possibly my favourite piece from this collection - certainly my favourite of the poems. It's all a sort of reply to all the poetry snobs that I've met over the years who seem to look down on rhyming poetry and seem to think that their world view of poetry is the only view that matters. This is my call to do whatever the hell you want! 

NEVER MIND THE MINOTAUR...

One of three love poems - this one about being a tad besotted with a minotaur...

KRAKEN YOU HEAR ME?

The second of three poems in a series - this one about falling in love with a Kraken; as you do.

CTHULHU, YOU ARE HOT!!

The third and final love poem about falling for a mythical beast; don't ask... It's just plain odd!

MISTLETOE MANIA

Another Christmas themed piece that I also included in

MURDERING THAT SONG...

A silly little piece about "murdering" a song - taking the phrase literally!

MY LONG LOST FRIEND

Another of my favourites from this collection, parly because it's partly inspired by a true story! Sometimes when you meet old friends again you really wish you hadn't!

NEVER, NEVER BE FORGOTTEN

A more serious piece that was written in memory of a friend's mother who died in 2011. That said, I hope the piece works for anybody who finds themselves in that situation.

NEVER TRUST A SKINNY FISH ‘N’ CHIP MAN

Another favourite from this collection - a completely daft one, but one that I enjoy reading aloud. I filmed it in August 2012 for one of my SHY YETI ON LOCATION episodes set down up in the Lake District, which is yet to be edited.

SWEATY YETI!!

Another yeti piece - about an especially sweaty yeti. I also recorded this when I was down in Broadstairs during the summer.

TOO SHORT TO BE A YETI

This piece mentions yeti - but isn't really about them... I'm not convinced that I DO know what it's about for that matter!

YOU’RE NO FRIEND – LET’S BE ENEMIES!!

Another poem about friendship - or the decision to quit being friends and just start being enemies. Sometimes the line between the two can be very close.

YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND’S A MINGER

A nice catty piece which slags somebody off... They're not going to be pleased when they hear it!

So, here ends our preview to ARE WE THERE, YETI? I'm sharing another piece from the collection with you - a story called THE DAILY GRIND. I hope you enjoy it; it appears at the very end of the post.

Next week I'll be moving ahead to the next collection, NOT AS SHY AS I WAS, which I finished writing back in the autumn - and which I have begun to do some formatting and proofing work on. I'm hoping that it'll be ready by the autumn along with the 10th anniversary collections of GO 4TH AND DIVIDE and THE AUTUMNAL E.P. - but for now I'll just be sharing the titles with you. With a bit of luck the new SHY YETI ON LOCATION video will also be ready by next week - but I make no promises!

That's it for now - all except for a piece from the new book, which appears below!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE DAILY GRIND

Jeff Murray worked in London. Everyday he commuted the 45 minutes into Waterloo; always at the same time and pretty much with all the same people.

It was odd, but over the ten years that Jeff had been doing that journey, none of his fellow travellers had ever engaged him in conversation; not that he had instigated any potential discussions of his own other than a daily insincere “Good morning!” to one or two familiar faces that he couldn’t avoid acknowledging. It was strange – for technically the majority of these people were his neighbours – but the whole lot of them might as well have been strangers for all the attention that they paid one another. It really was most peculiar when you considered it.

If he admitted it to himself Jeff realised that in a way he was almost afraid of those people that lived in the flats around him; genuinely fearful of interacting with them. The same went for those commuters on the platform. The general consensus seemed to be that you were somehow allowing strangers into your private world – strangers who might somehow try to harm you. It almost petrified Jeff now to even consider actually starting up any meaningful form of conversation with any of them.

“Morning, Mrs Smith!” he exclaimed, passing a middle-aged lady who wore a green jacket and posh new high heels to match.

“Morning, Mr Murray…”

“Morning, Mr Richards!”

“Morning, Mr Murray!”

“Nice day isn’t it, vicar?”

“Yes… Yes… Splendid, Jeffrey – most promising!”

It probably all appeared quite calm and convivial to any outsider who didn’t know the truth; but Jeff knew what these people were really like. He was always careful to stand at the far end of the platform, which only allowed people to stand on his right side just in case a quick escape was required. Just when they thought he wasn’t looking, he would turn and catch their true sneering expressions.

Mrs Smith was adjusting the deadly blade on her stiletto heel. Old Mr Richards was reloading the small pistol that he always carried in his briefcase. Meanwhile, Reverend Stanley glared at them one by one, fuelled by fury – bubbling with a madness that was bound to overflow at some stage. One day he would snap and shove somebody clean off the platform and into the path of a speeding train…

Not today perhaps, but soon…

“Well, it won’t be me he gets!” vowed Jeff under his breath, for he always came prepared – always carried his poisoned tipped umbrella clasped tightly to his breast. “I’m ready for you! All of you!” he snarled. “BRING IT ON!”

THE DAILY GRIND is one of 100 pieces just published in Paul Chandler / Shy Yeti's new book, ARE WE THERE, YETI? which is now available from www.lulu.com at £9.99 for the paperback and £15.99 for the hardback edition. Links to this book appear at the top of this post.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.

ARE WE THERE, YETI?

MORE PROSE, I SUPPOSE...

Hello beasties!

How have you been? Well, I trust?

Before we return to discuss the new book I intend to cover what I've been up to since my last post. My main success is finishing the new book, ARE WE THERE, YETI? which is now on its way to Lulu.com for me to receive a draft copy and then hopefully I'll release it week beginning Monday 11th February. I've also been making some headway with the new video, SHY YETI RETURNS TO DORSET and have managed to get the footage down from over an hour to around 25 minutes; it'll take a while longer - but should be ready in the next week or so. Other than that I've been tinkering about with a few poems that I came up with titles for a couple of years ago, but which I never got around to actually writing... These titles include INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, IT ONLY TAKES A MOUSE TO SNEEZE, DIAMONDS ARE ALL VERY WELL, BUT PIES TASTE NICER, THE YETI POET LAUREATE, THE GIRL OF YOUR NIGHTMARES and THE CAKEOCALYPSE... I also started a piece called A VERY GOOD FRIEND - A VERY BAD LOVER and completed a short story over the weekend called, INFORMATION IS A WONDERFUL THING...

Moving on... This week we continue our discussion of the new book by looking at the other prose pieces in the new collection. Last week we reached the letter I and so this week we start from J with a little piece called JELLY-BABY...

JELLY-BABY

It's amazing how something as simple as offering a jelly baby to a stranger can cause so much grief...

JITTERS

It's easy to get the jitters when you are about to make a big decision - even when it's a decision like the one involved in this short sketch...

L.A. AND I (GET ON JUST FINE, THANK YOU...)

Not everyone sees L.A. as the glamorous solution to all their wildest dreams - it's all about how you see the place and whether you let it know who's boss.

LOSING YOUR MEMORY ISN’T ALWAYS A BAD THING...

Sometimes it's better not to remember the past - sometimes ignorance really IS bliss!

A MOURNING YAWN

It is a very sad day at the zoo... One of the chief keepers has died and at memorial service all the animals are keen to point their claws at a very likely suspect!

A NEW BOOK IN THE FAMILY

Buying a second hand book comes with responsibilities - it's whether you are prepared to take them or not...

NOM, NOM, NOM

Cruising the customers is just a perk of the job when you work in a large supermarket - but some people just take this perk a little too far!

PART OF THE FAMILY

When Marty the bulldog is introduced as the latest member of the family - wily feline, Ava, volunteers to show him the ropes, whilst also getting the most out of the new arrival as is possible!

A PHOTO, FALLEN...

Some people think that when your photo is taken that your soul is trapped in the picture! The truth might not be quite so alarming... Or is it!?!

RATTLESNAKES!!!

It's all very well people being afraid of snakes - but have you ever considered how scary it is when you ARE one?

REHAB... FOR CANNIBALS!

Life as a cannibal can get a bit out of hand - which is why a number of them go to rehab to wean themselves off human flesh! But such good intentions don't always work out so smoothly...

RICH PICKINGS

Sometimes underhand pranks can back-fire and when they do you may not get the chance to live to regret them, either.

RING, RING...

Exactly how much does it matter if you are unfaithful to your partner when you are dreaming? It's all a matter of perspective!

RUNNING LATE...

First dates can be funny beasts - this one doesn't exactly take the biscuit - no, something far more valuable is being lined up!

SANTA’S BIT ON THE SIDE

Keira has a very interesting lover... He only comes once a year, but she enjoys every moment of their time together!

A SEAT ON THE WING

Travelling on the wing of a plane to your destination might not seem the most obvious thing to do, but one who has tried this mode of transport reports back, with constructive comments, about the merits of such a wild form of travel!

A SENSE OF STYLE

If a ballerina is about to be murdered then she will insist on dying with grace and with style!

THE SERIAL KILLER OF LITTLE ITALY

The story of a serial killer who lives in Little Italy in San Diego... His only problem is that he possibly likes eating the Italian food more than he actually likes killing!

THE SHAME OF A MIDDLE-CLASS BONNIE AND CLYDE

Sometimes even the most clean-nosed middle-class person can get drawn into trouble - especially when cake is involved!

SO IRRITATING!!!

Sometimes little things can be irritating and sometimes irritating things can snowball and build up into major frustrations and then, sometimes, those major frustrations can overflow into something particularly nasty...

STATUE ESQ.

Here is your introduction to a new company that has a very interesting service to offer... It's name is STATUE ESQ. and it provides slightly unconventional statues to be used in the gardens of large country-homes. Sounds dull? It's really not. STATUE ESQ. is a firm run by gorgons.

STATUS SYMBOLS

A rich man's dream of buying an desert island goes slightly... off-course, let us say!

TAKE CARE WHEN GIVING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

You really do need to take care when buying Christmas presents - especially if you intend to deal out a lesson in revenge...

TOAST!!!

A tragic tale of an unconventional wedding toast!

A TRAGIC DEMISE

Death comes to us all - but not many people meet their maker in quite such an odd fashion as does the gentleman in this short sketch...

TRICK OR...

Halloween really isn't the time to be annoying your neighbours... especially the spooky ones!

THE TRUE LIGHT (PROSE VERSION)

THE TRUE LIGHT is one of my own favourite poems, as it's the one that kick-started my passion for verse when I returned to it in 2001. To celebrate its 10th anniversary I wrote an extended prose version of the piece - which concerns one "cheating" partner begging to be forgiven...

TURN AND TURN AGAIN

Do you like your boss? Not everybody does, but not that many people do anything about it... Sometimes those feelings of dislike work both ways, however.

THE UNPUBLISHED NOVEL

A creepy tale of what shifts and changes can occur to an unpublished novel if it is left to sit on the shelf for years...

A VERY SHY PSYCHOPATH

Some psychopaths are shyer than others...

THE WAR AGAINST RED TAPE

We all encounter red tape on a daily basis at work - but things just seem to get worse as time goes on...

THE WEDDING PLANNER

When you're booking a wedding sometimes you need to be extra careful about who exactly is responsible for what in arranging the big day...

WEIRD WIDE WEB

Back in 2000 when this was written, the internet was still quite a curiousity for a lot of people and it wasn't that common for people to have their own connections at home... Not only that but you were never entirely sure what you might see when you "surfed the web..."

WHAT GOES AROUND…

Friends come and go - but some friends return after a long period of time. However, sometimes, those people have changed so much that you barely recognise what you ever saw in the person... Occasionally, you get back the friend that you truly deserve.

THE WRONG PEN

One person's useless pen is another's pride and joy... Sometimes it's just a case of finding the right owner, but how would you feel if you were the actual pen in question?

A YETI HISTORY LESSON OF HOLLYWOOD

Far in the future Mama Yeti takes her family on a trip to show them an over-grown city which was once known at "Hollywood..."

Next week we'll discuss the poems that are included in the new book and also finally trumpet the release, ARE WE THERE, YETI? itself, as it'll definitely be out that week. I'm going to leave you with a piece from the new book called THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE. This one came to me whilst I was half-asleep during a visit to Los Angeles - it wouldn't let me sleep, so I had to go and make some notes on it. I hope you enjoy it.


More soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE



I’m an old dude now…
I get to be cranky - I get to say whatever I want!
Although it is also your right to ignore me –
I know that my views still get to you…
Deep down, despite your devil-may-care attitude!
It registers; whether you admit it or not…
Whether those views of mine are really – actually – my views or not!
I like to say them anyhow – to get a reaction…
It is part of the hypocrisy of getting older –
I can say stuff that I don’t actually believe in;
That shames you in some way, perhaps…
I can down right lie…
I’m an old dude now and you don’t know any better!
When I was your age they had us working down the pit…
Cleaning out chimneys with our bare hands – with our tongues!
We were proud to fight for our country…
It made men of us; whatever that actually means.
Kids these days don’t know they’re born…
They don’t know how easy they’ve got it!
When I was six I was manning my own tank across enemy lines…
When I was ten I single-handedly saved a whole city from certain death –
And led them to safety across mountain wildernesses; without a map.
Kids these days don’t know any better –
Part of them, wisely, doesn’t believe me – nor cares…
But the other part secretly does. Just in case. Not liking to be wrong.
That part says, “He’s an old dude… Old dudes don’t lie… ‘Cos they’re OLD!
He must actually have done everything that he claims…”
It makes them feel that little more useless about their own sorry lives!
Which in turn makes me feel a little better about mine…
They allow me to spout out my nonsense – my cranky hypocrisy…
Despite none of it being true – despite none of it actually happening;
Except the one or two bits that really did.
I was no more a veteran of war than your pet dog was…
I no more believe any of that stuff than your pet cat does…
I spent my youth smoking, drinking, chasing pretty girls and handsome men…
Or, at least, trying to – just like you do!
We have more in common than you ever realise…
But I’m an old dude –
And I want you know how much harder I had it.
Just to screw with your mind, like people once did to me…
Consider it a free service – your turn will come.
All too soon.

THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE comes from the new Shy Yeti / Paul Chandler collection, ARE WE THERE, YETI? which is due to be published on Monday 11th February 2013.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.

ARE WE THERE, YETI!?
PROSE, I SUPPOSE...

Hello beasties!

Before we get into the main theme of this post, just to let you know that I've been quite busy putting together a new SHY YETI ON LOCATION episode. It's provisionally called WINTER ON A SUMMER'S DAY - or might simply be entitled SHY YETI'S CHILLY SUMMER SPECIAL. We shall see... The premise is that as the weather in the summer will probably be pretty ropey, then I might as well film the summer special now; so you end up with a summer special filmed in the snow! Trust a yeti to be so awkward and unseasonal! I do hope that the snow in the sketches that I've already filmed won't melt between now and July/August... Hadn't thought of that! So far I've recorded a couple of older poems from my SHY YETI RULES OKAY collections - THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY and CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND and I'll just pootle along with this episode until it's done and keep it "on ice" until nearer the time that it's due to be edited.

There are no particular plans for filming more episodes, over the next couple of months, unless there is more snow. That said I did speak to Dan about recording another cooking episode or two over in February or March; so we'll see how that goes. At least it's something that we can record indoors even if the weather isn't so great outside! Dan and I were discussing doing pies or pasties this time around! I expect to be having a holiday away somewhere around Easter - so hopefully I'll get back into regular filming once the weather improves in late March/early April. Until then I've got plenty of episodes in the can left over from last year. I'm currently still working on the episode that I filmed in Dorset around New Year - there was a lot of footage but I'm working through it now and - I know I've said this before - but I hope that it'll be ready to post sometime in the next fortnight; around the time that ARE WE THERE, YETI!? is published. After that I think the plan is still to edit the two-parter filmed in Venice back in November.

Moving on to the main area of discussion this we and continuing on from last week - I now aim to begin looking at the prose pieces from ARE WE THERE, YETI!?! I don't intend to go through them all this week, as there are well over 50 of them... But let's start alphabetically and see how far we get through! Just so you know, I won't be giving away any spoilers or too detailed plot-points - more hints about what each piece is about! Something to tempt you with, I hope!

AMNESIA

This piece is about a man who wakes up from a trauma with gaps in his memory - as he begins to recover he finds himself haunted by he memory of a handsome, yet somehow familiar face in a photograph...

AN ASYLUM FOR AUTHORS

This quirky tale pretty much describes itself with its title! Here we visit an asylum for those authors who have become a little too obsessed by their own characters!

AUNTIE ASTRID... (U.S.A.SPECIAL)

Auntie Astrid is a character that was first introduced during my Mouse Of Commons series and was co-created with my friend Gareth Bellis. Astrid is a guinea pig guru, no less - an agony aunt who offers help and advice to animals in need. Here are some more letters for her to wade through; on this occasion all the missives are from creatures who are about to head out to the States for well-needed holidays.

BEE BUSINESS

This is the story of a vengeful bee who won't let his family be walked over...

BEING STALKED BY THE HOLLYWOOD LETTERS

How would you like to be stalked by the Hollywood letters? It may seem flattering at first, but can very quickly become an embarrassment!

BEST PANTS

It is the end of the world and all the narrator of this piece seems concerned about is that he dies in his nicest underwear!

THE BODY IN THE BOG

This story is adapted from a poem that I wrote back in 1992 and involves the discovery of a body in a marsh. Things quickly take a turn for the worse for the gentleman who accidentally stumbles upon the corpse...

A BOY’S DREAM OF FLIGHT

This piece acts as a warning about the dangers of walking small dogs!

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

A short Christmas sketch that is written from the point of view of a Christmas tree!

CLEANING UP AFTERWARDS

Murder isn't the problem... It's cleaning up afterwards (or not) that really annoys the cleaners!

COLLECTING HEARTACHE

This story tells a tale of a hoarder who has trouble keeping a relationship going... But what is he doing wrong or is it his collection that is somehow conspiring against him!?

COMING CLEAN

During the London riots - one particular rioter met his match with the item that he looted! This sketch shows exactly how it happened!

THE CONFESSION BOX

The priest in this story is having a very forgiving day when it comes to the crimes of his parisioners! But why?

CREEPY, EXOTIC...

Sometimes it is the creepiest people who can be the most exotic...

THE CREEPY SHOW

This story is all about the owner of a creepy wax works as he waits to open the doors to a whole new stream of customers; it is something that he very much looks forward to... for many reasons!

THE DAILY GRIND

The daily grind can really get to some people - all that pent up resentment that keeps building inside every commuter as the days and the months and the years go by... Standing on platforms alongside neighbours that can barely even make eye-contact or say hello of a morning. After a while it gets to you and one day all this frustration is bound to explode...

DEAR, DEARLY DEPARTED

A fan writes about the death of his favourite actress - someone whom he claims to have been very good friends with! However, truth is always stranger than fiction!

THE DUST OF AGES

How come the college librarian still looks so young after so many years? Only the dust of ages has the answer to that!

AN ENQUIRING MIND

Those who choose to read each other's minds may sometimes find a darkness that they wish they had left well alone... 

EXCITEMENT IN LIFE

Charlie has become sick of his wife, Judith - and every day he plots to kill her... One day he might just do it too! 

FEEDING TIME...

Feeding time at the zoo is probably one of the busiest times of the day - but what if there was only one canteen for both the visitors and the animals!? 

A FLY ON THE WALL

What if the fly on the wall was a reincarnation of someone? What if he took to spying on beautiful ladies? What if the beautiful lady was also a reincarnation? What if the beautiful lady had known the man that the fly had once been?

THE FOOD OF LOVE

The couple in this story have much in common - but what they choose to do about it is certainly food for thought!

FRUIT BATS...

The tragic story of a blood orange and a fruit bat...

GOOD TIMES AGAIN...

A favourite teddy bear discovers that he has a rival for his attentions - a large floppy-eared bunny!

A HAPPY EX-MAS

Revenge is best served cold at Christmas, but sometimes a loving couple can get their wires crossed by quite how far they intend to go to show their loyalty to one another!

HEALTHY LIVING

Two old friends meet up, by chance, in Los Angeles - both are actors, both very vain and soon they begin to discuss the various health fads that are doing the rounds; some of the options are bound to make your skin crawl!

THE HOODIES NEXT DOOR...

A family of hoodies lives next door to a family of apes and it really is a recipe for disaster!

HOW MONEY SPIDERS GET THEIR NAME...

Money Spiders aren't called Money Spiders for nothing, you know... And here is why!!

HUSBAND POTENTIAL

Two young ladies compare notes on the famous historical characters that they would most like to have dated!

THE HYPOCRISY OF OLD AGE

With age comes the freedom to become a complete hypocrite AND to get away with it!

THE ICE-CREAMING AD-DABS...

Two rival ice cream firms battle it out for supremacy - with tasty results!

INK ON HER HANDS

Some people take stationery very seriously... So I wouldn't go nicking a pen from one of them, if I were you!

IN THE SOUP...

Sometimes a nice cup of soup can be the making of you - although sometimes you can be the making of a nice cup of soup...

Next week we'll look at the other half of the stories and the following week the poems; as I've mentioned, by then the new book should be released and hopefully I'll also be unloading a new SHY YETI ON LOCATION episode around then too...

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx



This post and all content is Copyright Paul Chandler 2013.