SHY YETI GOES TO HOLLYWOOD!!!

Hi,

Just to let you know that the new SHY YETI ON LOCATION video is up. It is called SHY YETI GOES TO HOLLYWOOD and the links to both the Youtube and Vimeo versions of the show are below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07Ay2pMvE4k

http://vimeo.com/14843474

This time on SHY YETI ON LOCATION Paul heads in search of glamour and ends up in Hollywood where this time he finds himself a side-kick! This video was recorded in August 2010 during a week-long visit to the city and amongst the daft sketches and yeti dances you will find three poems and the like from Mr Chandler. These include new poem: JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU, an older piece called ANYTHING FOR HER ART and a more recent poem called KISS ME QUICK as performed at The Cobalt Cafe. Thanks to Dominic M for his acting skills and camerawork and also to Patrick and Julia for their help and for loaning Todd for his appearance in this show. The Shy Yeti Theme is by my friend, Luca.


I hope you enjoy it. I am indeed intending to do another 3 or 4 episodes before the end of the year. An autumn episode sometime during October and featuring a mystery guest - a couple of episodes from foreign locations - 1 in November and 1 in December and then maybe if there is time a Christmas episode. That said I really must spend some time editing the back log of Sutton Park episodes and start putting the next book of poetry and prose into some sort of shape. In addition to that the Mouse of Commons is also calling me for attention!

Before I depart I should also add that my next post is my 150th - so I'd like to find some cool way of celebrating that fact too; we shall see! :)

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

SHY YETI GOES TO L.A. - VIDEO ALREADY UP - MORE TO FOLLOW...

Hi,

It suddenly occurred to me that I've not updated you all on my trip to L.A. I am currently working on a new episode of SHY YETI ON LOCATION (which may or may not end up as a double length episode, as I took so much footage...) However to keep you going there is already a new video up of me performing three poems at an open-mike night in L.A., at The Cobalt Cafe, which I actually put up whilst I was still away. This can be watched on youtube at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he0CQVgN_RE or at Vimeo on my SHYYETI channel.

The new SHY YETI video from Hollywood includes a number of sketches - but also three poems and will hopefully go up in a week or two.

Whether or not I will get all these filmed, but at the moment this is my schedule for further SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos during 2010.

SHY YETI GOES TO HOLLYWOOD (September)
SHY YETI VS AUTUMN (October/November)
SHY YETI IN VENICE (November/December)
SHY YETI GOES TO VEGAS (December)

There are also a number of new SUTTON PARK episodes in the can, which need editing; but this all rather depends on how much time I have.

To finish with, here is a very new piece, which I wrote just today - which is inspired by my L.A. experiences and because I have recently been listening to a lot of Kiss albums for the first time.

I hope you enjoy it!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

FIRST SNOG

02/09/2010

They were a new band.
Their name was SNOG.
It was catchy too; for the 1970s.
Their manager came up with a gimmick.
Suggested that they paint their faces.
Each member of the band should have a different persona.
Each mask should be eye-catching like a comic book character.
It would work well for merchandising too.
Nobody had done anything like it before…
“You're going to be The Devil Ghost...”
Their manager told the bassist, also one of the vocalists…
When shown the design he liked it - it looked fierce, pale, haggard and frightening…
He could keep his hair long and imagine he was in a horror movie.
“You're going to be The Moondust Child…”
Their manager told the lead vocalist, who also played rhythm guitar…
The drawing made him look like some kind of futuristic alien made from glitter.
He liked it immediately.
Next it was the turn of their lead guitarist and vocalist.
“You're going to be The Meteor Man…” explained their manager.
The drawing was fantastic - it made him look strong, as if made from granite.
The fans would love that!!
Secretly the lead guitarist suspected that he would be their favourite.
Last of all came the drummer, percussionist and occasional vocalist.
He caught sight of his character before it was properly explained.
It looked a little like some kind of animal, quite unlike the other three masks.
“What's that?” asked the drummer. “It looks like a panda - it looks like it's smiling…”
"It's not a panda…" explained their manager. "It's a badger…"
The drummer frowned, looking to see if his band mates were smirking;
However they all looked a little distracted by dust-mites and shoe-laces; none smiled.
“A BADGER?" exploded the drummer. "A BLOODY BADGER?”
“A SPACE badger…” added their manager hurriedly. “You're so lucky; it's great!”
“Yeah, it's the best design of the lot…” agreed The Devil Ghost.
“I'm like - really jealous, man…” added The Moondust Child.
“Wow, yeah! It's absolutely amazing!” chimed in The Meteor Man.
Gradually, the drummer began to regard the drawing with a little more confidence.
“You like it? Really!?” he enquired, nervously - now suddenly warming to it.
“A SPACE BADGER, you say? Can I wear a hat?”
“Yes, of course…” agreed the Manager, nodding. “A large pink hat - with sequins!!”
Drummers, ey. Bless 'em.
They're like the magpies of the rock world...
You can convince them of anything if you bribe them with something shiny.

FIRST SNOG is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2010 and will appear in his next collection.

"JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU" - A NEW POEM BEFORE A BIG JOURNEY...

Hi folks,

"JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU" is my newest poem; written today - Wednesday 4th August 2010 just before I head out to L.A. tomorrow for a few days holiday. I wrote most of it on the train back to my flat between Salisbury and Weybridge earlier this morning; writing the last 8 lines to verse 5 and 6 back at home, at around lunchtime. The first lines that came to me were the one about flapping your arms, which became verse 5 and the second idea was about digging a tunnel - which ended up as the first verse. Having decided to write 6 verses - I wrote the first 8 lines of each and then returned to finish the last 8 lines once I had a scenario devised. All the verses were written in order except for verses 5 and 6 which I wrote in reverse order. It's basically just a daft poem about being determined to reach someone despite being so far away - and using the oddest methods to get there. Paws crossed rhat the last option - the giant leap - was the one that worked... I'm being positive here; I know it was! I expect this piece to appear in my next collection - and I dedicate it to Mr Dominic McCauley whom I am meeting when I arrive in LA tomorrow! Hoorah! :) I may even go and do an open-mike night whilst I'm out there, if I'm brave enough... I'll keep you informed!!

I hope you enjoy the new poem! More soon! :)

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx


JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU...

I am digging me a tunnel -
Just to get myself to you...
I am building me a trail -
That leads the way!
I have packed myself a picnic -
Just in case I crave a snack...
And when I get the other end -
I'm going to stay!
And yet the moles are getting jealous -
And all the earth worms are on strike!
They have built a barricade to keep me out!
So, I am turning back again -
Yes - I will find another way!
But I will get myself to you -
Without a doubt...


I am building me a sail-boat...
Just to get myself to you!
And I have taught myself -
The fastest way to row...
I am steering round the mermaids -
And I'm avoiding all the sharks...
With the vain hope that my -
Muscles may well grow!
With urgent fury I will paddle -
Although my toes are getting wet...
I am worried that my craft -
Has sprung a leak!
I have a nasty sinking feeling -
That the waves are growing high...
But I will get myself to you -
Within the week!


I am constructing me a bridge -
Just to get myself to you...
I will admire every view -
Take in the sights!
I've got a large supply of girders -
Yes, I've got my nuts and bolts!
And I will cross my paws -
I'm not afraid of heights!
Well, I have got the first arch stable -
But the next one looks a mess...
In the sea breeze I can -
See it start to sway!
All the wood-worm in the planks -
Are getting sea-sick too, alas...
So I will get myself to you -
Some other way!


I will fly a large balloon -
Just to get myself to you...
I am inflating it -
I'll fill it full of puff...
I am hoping it will rise -
Above the very highest cloud!
If I can only get it floating -
High enough!
Yes, there I stand upon the clifftop -
In the hope the wind may catch...
That I'll bob out above the sea -
And not be scared...
I have the feeling that the sea gulls -
Are about to peck me - BANG!!
But I'll still get myself to you...
I come prepared!!


I will flap my bingo wings -
Just to get myself to you...
I am pretending to myself -
That I'm a bee!
I have even got the outfit -
With my black and yellow stripes -
And I have bought myself -
A flask of honey tea...
But there's the slightest pang of worry -
I can hear a little sound -
A swarm of insects -
And a quite unfriendly buzz!
They must know I'm an imposter...
And they want to drive me out...
But I'll still get myself to you -
Well, just becuz!! ;)


I will take a running jump -
Just to get myself to you...
A decent run up -
Is the only thing I'll need!
There you are across the sea -
So, I will take a flying leap!
All I require is a little -
Head of speed...
I am coming, faster - faster...
Yes, my legs are moving quick!
You are worried at the plan -
That's now afoot!
But as I fly across the edge -
My strength of mind will get me there -
So once I've got myself to you -
I'm staying put!

"JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU..." is Copyright Paul Chandler 2010 and will appear in his next collection; late 2010/ early 2011.

BOOK LAUNCH PARTY AND A NEW POEM!!

Hello!

Amongst other things this post is about the book launch that I held at The Princess Louise, near Holborn on Saturday 10th July 2010 - although it has to be said that it was a little bit warm for such celebrations and by about Six O'clock all I wanted to do was sleep! We were mainly celebrating the launch of my latest collection DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? although the intention had also been to celebrate 10 years of The Mouse Of Commons, but as the new Mouse book wasn't quite ready that will probably have to wait now until later in the year; possibly around my birthday in November.

As well as the photos below I have also posted a new poem - which come from the formerly entitled THE DEATH OF LOVE collection, which is quite likely now to be christened LOVE BUZZ AND YETI HUGS for reasons that I can't possibly explain right at this very moment. The poem posted below RESPECTABLE TEXTS was written in late June 2010 and will be included in this collection and is dedicated to Mr Dominic McCauley who helped inspire it. Thanks DM - and a happy birthday too, by the way.

Before we turn to the new poem I am also going to post an update on the ratings of my Youtube and Vimeo videos, which I have not done in a number of months. This is only really for those of you out there, like me, who love a good countdown or who still mourn the passing of Top Of The Pops. All others of you can just skip onto the new poem if you prefer.

I should probably also mention that I have just finished a new video: SHY YETI OUT IN THE COUNTRY that features three poems - A FLEA TEA PARTY (from the next collection), FROM PETERSFIELD TO LISS from RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR and LADY GRRR GRRR from the latest collection. The video was filmed between June and July 2010 - although the second poem has never been seen before and receives its debut here. The video has only been up since wednesday this week, but looks set to enter the chart quite high next time it's updated...

The links to the video are as follows:

Vimeo link: http://vimeo.com/13471538

Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTz0BRsrCZs

RATINGS AS OF: 19/07/2010 - AFTERNOON

1st    SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 1 = 225 views

=2nd BALLAD OF A GO-GO BEAR = 141 views
=2nd SHY YETI ON LOCATION IN DORSET = 141 views
4th    UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE = 135 views
5th    SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 2 = 116 views
6th    I AM NEVER INVITED TO ORGIES... = 95 views
=7th  SHY YETI LIVE - 06/03/2010 = 91 views
=7th  SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 4 = 91 views
9th     SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 3 = 85 views
10th   OUT AND ABOUT WITH SHY YETI = 84 views
11th   YETI SPAGHETTI = 83 views
12th   SHY YETI ON LOCATION IN DORSET (OUT-TAKES) = 82 views
=13th SHY'S SNOW SPECTACULAR = 80 views
=13th SHY YETI IN A SECRET LOCATION = 80 views
15th   SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 7 = 66 views
16th   SHY YETI'S VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL = 65 views
17th   YOU CRAMP MY STYLE = 64 views
18th   SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 5 = 63 views
19th   YETI SPAGHETTI (OUT-TAKES) = 60 views
=20th SHY YETI LIVE - 06/03/2010 (2) = 59 views
=20th LITTLE PIG = 59 views
22nd  SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 6 = 56 views
23rd   SHY YETI TALKS = 54 views
24th   MY MOMENT IS NOW = 52 views
=25th PICCADILLY CIRCUS = 51 views
=25th SHY YETI IN A SECRET LOCATION (OUT-TAKES) = 51 views
27th   THEY WARNED ME = 42 views
28th   MY DOG IN A DRESS = 32 views
=29th THINGS AIN'T... = 30 views
=29th SHY YETI LIVE - 18/11/2008 = 30 views
31st   CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND = 28 views
32nd  THE TRUE LIGHT = 22 views
33rd   GOOD HUG = 21 views
=34th THE SORRY TALE... = 20 views
=34th A VOICE IN HIS HEAD = 20 views
=34th RECKLESSLY = 20 views
37th   DAREDEVIL = 17 views

I'll update this list and announce how high the new video has got in the chart next time I post here!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx


RESPECTABLE TEXTS

I am sending respectable texts –
On the surface they're terribly prim…
You would never detect pent up passions –
If you hurriedly gave them a skim…
But it's all deep within 'neath the covers –
All my yearnings are hidden in code…
I pretend to be calm when I see you –
But in truth I'm about to explode!
But I smile and I nod, so politely…
When we go for a meal or a drink!
But all the time I just wanna be lusty –
And expose you to more than a wink!
I am terribly shy on the outside –
But inside I'm a bit of a scamp…
So, when I send you respectable texts –
Deep inside I'm well-practiced vamp!


I am sending respectable texts –
'Cos I don't want my ass to get sued…
'Cos I don't want my loved ones to hate me…
'Cos they've learnt I'm potentially crude!
But I bow and I scrape and I curtsey…
Yes, I smile and I always say please!
But I slip in a double entendre –
And I do so with eloquent ease!
I've a charmingly coy way about me –
Such an innocent look in my eye…
But the phrases I'm typing are filthy –
And the words about you they apply!
I am making my move very slowly –
'Cos I'm hoping you're gonna agree…
To what my respectable texts are suggesting –
'Cos there's something I'd LOVE you to see!


I am sending respectable texts –
'Cos I'm feeling it's really my duty!
Whilst we discuss how the weather has been –
I will throw in a phrase rather fruity!
When I ask 'bout the cut of your jib –
Or the cake that you claim to be baking…
It's just my way of saying “I love you…
You're so sexy - I think I am quaking!”
When I ask 'bout your mother's Chihuahua –
I mean things that would make you blush red…
When I ask if you're feeling deflated –
When I mean is “Please take me to bed!”
There is naughtiness in my intention –
It is skulking away 'mongst the lines…
Of my oh-so respectable texts…
So it's just you, my sweet love, sees the signs!

Copyright Paul Chandler 2010 - due to appear in his next collection, late 2010/early 2011.

THE BOOK LAUNCH - 10TH JULY 2010

The photos below are mainly of the guests; Calum, Glyn, Harry, Miles, Gibson etc - but also feature me receiving some shocking news about my sales figures from a bear and rather tasty chilli-pepper filled pancake from MY OLD DUTCH which I devoured before heading home. Thanks again to everyone who came along on such a hot day!

PAUL GOES TO L.A. AND ANOTHER POEM FROM THE NEW BOOK

Hello,

Just a quick post to show off some rather cool photos that were sent to me by a good friend from L.A. who bought the new book. I am sorry to say that I, myself, am yet to visit L.A. - but it is nice to see that my books get to do a bit of sightseeing in their new homes. Thank you, Dominic McCauley for taking all these photos! Hopefully I can come visit my book one day soon! :)

Whilst we are considering L.A. and all the stars that can be found there I thought this gave me the perfect idea of which poem from the new book: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? that I should post here. It's called FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE - but, of course, does not refer to the genuine stars that are featured on the streets of L.A. - more the Z-listers that are continually pushed our way these days. I hope you enjoy both the poem and the new photos.

In further news I have been busy compiling THE YETI MACABRE, which features some new short stories, scripts and some of my more curious poetic endeavours. I have also been working on a lot of poems over the last few weeks - titles include: THE MEN IN WHITE COATS ARE MY FRIENDS, RESPECTABLE TEXTS and THE CUTEST ONE IN THE BAND amongst others.More soon!

Massive yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE…

I am sick of the famous…

They're a pain in the arse!

They think they're better than us –

But most simply lack class!

I'm so sick of their hairstyles…

Yes, I'm sick of their sneering…

Oh so sick of their chat;

When in HEAT they're appearing!

They all drive me insane!

They must all take the blame…

Botox messed with their brains –

'Til they forgot their own name!

Oh, why don't they feck off –

So we don't have to see them…

Despite what everyone says –

I would not want to be them…

I'm so sick of the famous –

Can't we send them away?

Give them all one way tickets –

Out to Mars or Bombay...

I am sick of the famous –

They're a pain in the neck!

They emerge out of rehab –

Yet they still look a wreck!

Then they make their confessions –

So we all have to hear 'em!

Why can't we just feed them –

Some dead poisonous serum!?

Oh, why can't we just bury them –

Deep down under the ground?

Shhh… And not tell a soul!

So, they'll never be found!

Oh, why don't they feck off?

They're a cause for concern!

No-one cares for them now –

But seems they never will learn!

I'm so sick of the famous –

And the floozies they bed!

I hear eight out of ten folk –

Would prefer they were dead!

I am sick of the famous –

They're a pain in the butt!

They just fill up the gutters –

They are all off their nut…

They have nothing to say –

That the world needs to hear!

How I laugh when I see –

That they're living in fear!

With the Paps on the door –

For another sound bite!

See them craving the fame –

Like moths burnt by the light…

Oh, why don't they fuck off?

I care not what they've felt!

I care not what they've suffered –

I live in hope they might melt!

I'm so sick of the famous –

And with all of their moaning!

It is they who have sinned –

But it is us who's atoning!

FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2010 and is from the new collection DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? All photos Copyright Dominic McCauley, 2010.

IT LIVES!!!

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS IS FINALLY AVAILABLE!!

As promised, DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS is finally published and available to purchase from Lulu.com in three different formats; paperback, hardback and digital download. Here are some more details about the new book - take a peek at the links as you can see some sample pages and a number of the new poems too for free.

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

Price: £9.99

Ships in 3–5 business days

Welcome to DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?, yet another book of verse from SHY YETI aka Paul Chandler; his first of 2010. Poems include: ASK NICELY, CAFFEINE QUEEN, CALLING SAINT RITA, D.J. DARLING, GLUM, I LOVE YOU LESS, LOVELY LIES, A VAMPIRE FOR CAKE and YOU COULD BE MY PIN-UP. The book is illustrated with photos of Mr Yeti's travels and contains his comedic comments on his own writing.

http://www.lulu.com/product/item/do-yeti-wear-pyjamas/11063904

Paperback, First Edition, Published May 28, 2010
Copyright PAUL CHANDLER (Standard Copyright License)
Publisher BEECHES BOOKS / PAUL CHANDLER
Language: English, Pages 240, Binding Perfect-bound Paperback
Interior Ink Black & white, Weight 0.42 kg, Dimensions (cm) 15.2 wide × 22.9 tall

Download for £5.99
 
http://www.lulu.com/product/file-download/do-yeti-wear-pyjamas/11063905
 
Hardback Edition for £15.99
 
http://www.lulu.com/product/hardcover/do-yeti-wear-pyjamas/11064561
 
I'll be posting up another new poem from this collection soon - but I just wanted you to know that the new collection was available.
 
Best wishes and yeti hugs,
 
Paul xx

PS I can also announce that last weekend I completed three new poems: A FLEA TEA PARTY, SET THEM FREE and BAD STUFF I WISH WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU - not to mention a new short horror story for THE YETI MACABRE book called ACCESS PROHIBITED...

FINAL VERSION OF "DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS" TO BE LOADED UP BY MONDAY NEXT WEEK...

Hi,

This is probably the final post before "DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?" is available to buy - although the official release day will be Monday 31st May 2010. (A bank holiday! Yes, I know - but what better way to spend your bank holiday than by reading my new book... Okay, so I'm kidding myself - but if the weather is good!? Maybe!?)

I have received the 2nd draft copy of the book with the revised cover and am just making a few final changes. I'm hoping that a hard back edition of the book will also be ready by the 31st for anyone interested - but we shall have to see.

In other news I am still working on THE DEATH OF LOVE and have been working on some new poems for this during May, however I am also spending quite a bit of time at the moment completing my next Mouse of Commons book: POSTCARDS FROM MCWHISKERS as part of my celebration of 10 years of Gladstone McWhiskers. I have also nearly completed the first draft of a new Mouse novel and am working on a couple of the many short stories that I wrote about Glad and Ollie back in 2008, but have yet to type up. In addition to this I am writing a number of short stories for my collection: THE YETI MACABRE - having completed the first of these THE TATTOOED SKELETON earlier this week. In addition to the half dozen or so short stories in this horror themed collection I have selected a number of poems from all my volumes to date that fit this theme. As of last week I also rediscovered a number of scripts and monologues that I wrote between about 1998 and 2000 - a play called A CROSS TO BEAR (more of a thriller - but with murderous overtones), a short play called SCEPTIC (a ghost story), a monologue called TOUCHWOOD (a weird murder story) and a four part radio script called THE DO-GOODERS. The final script is a comedy drama about an neighbourhood watch team. The adventure included is calledin an adventure named THE NEIGHBOURHOOD WITCH which was the only story in the series to ever be completed, at least to date. A second story was planned and is partially written in the archives, so may be returned to! So the long and the short of it is that THE YETI MACABRE is going to be approximately 400 pages of horrifying (in a good way) poetry, stories and scripts - with all but the poems being previously unpublished.

I will hopefully be filming a new episode of SHY YETI ON LOCATION in June, featuring poems exclusively from the new collection - and here is one of poems that I am considering, HE EATS SO MUCH...

I hope you enjoy it!

More news next week once I am 100% the book is going up - with yet another poem from the new collection.

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS The photo below was taken just after my return to open-mike night, last week. Thanks to Harry for coming along and for taking the photo. :)

HE EATS SO MUCH...


He eats so much cake –
He can see in the dark!
He slurps so much tea;
As he walks in the park!
He gulps down fresh air;
Always drinks his bath water!
He will need to wear stilts;
If he grows any shorter!
If he's eating his lunch –
No, he won't take a call!
He is growing so fat –
He's becoming a ball…
He's becoming a blob –
Like some bald burping toad!
If he eats any more –
Then one day he'll explode!


He swigs so much beer;
That his belly’s grown wider!
Well, it makes his eyes bulge;
So he’s trained up a spider!
To deliver his goodies –
Saves himself from the strain!
Weight is the only thing;
That he ever did gain!
But he thinks he looks great!
He enjoys all the buzz!
Oh, he thinks he looks awesome!
Yeah, so maybe he does!
Who's to say he looks bad?
That is only your view!
That is just your opinion!
Who the hell then are you?


He eats so much candy –
His knees they do shake!
He eats so much fudge –
And huge slices of steak!
But does he want to cut down?
No, he doesn’t, not really!
Oh, the sight of a cake –
Makes him so touchy feely!
But why d’you want him to change?
What business is it of yours?
You’re the one who has issues –
With those cakes he adores!
So, he does not eat veg –
And finds fresh fruit too fruity!
He’s quite happy with pie and –
His own unique beauty!

HE EATS SO MUCH is available in the new collection: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS, published on http://www.lulu.com/ on 31st May 2010. HE EATS SO MUCH is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2010.

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS - ALMOST READY NOW!!!

Hi,

We're entered the last stages of readying DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS for publication - I have sent off for a couple of draft copies of the finished book and once I have received my copies then I will announce the actual publication date; which I imagine will be before the end of the month.

There are 55 new poems in this collection - although one or two have already appeared on this blog, on my recent poetry videos and such.

I have listed them before, however this is the final-final running order for your delictation:

ASK NICELY
BIRTHDAY GIRL / BIRTHDAY BOY
BREAKING HEARTS IS SUCH A BITCH!!
THE CAFFEINE QUEEN
CALLING UP SAINT RITA
CAT FOOD IN YOUR EYEBROWS
THE CAT WHO COULDN’T BE KICKED
A CHEERLEADER FOR YOU!!
COVER VERSIONS
THE CROCODILE
THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA
D.J., DARLING
DON’T SNOG BEES
DON’T TURN ON ME
DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?
FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE
FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION
GLASSES CHECKED
GLUM
HE EATS SO MUCH
HER LAST SUPPER
I’M FAR TOO IMPORTANT TO KNOW YOU
I LEFT A CRACK IN KRAKOW
I LOST MY POOR HEART TO A POET
I LOVE YOU LESS
I WILL NEVER BE YOUR GENIE
JUST HOW SLUTTY ARE LIBRARY BOOKS?
KISS LIKE A CHEAT
LADY GRRR GRRR
LONELY MR SNAIL
LOST WEEKENDS ARE OVER-RATED
LOVELY LIES
LOVE YOU, STINKY
A MAN WITH AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR IS MY IDEA OF HELL
MANY HAPPY RETURNS
ME, THEM AND A JACUZZI
MY GIDDY AUNT
THE MYSTERIOUS ART OF LUMPOLOGY
NEIGHBOURS FOR NOW
A NICE ICECREAM MAN
NOT SEEING ANYBODY ELSE
REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED HOT
A SAINT OR A SINNER!?
SECOND 29TH BIRTHDAY
SOUR PUSS
TAKE THE BLAME
TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE
TONIGHT, I’M A POLICEMAN
TRYING TO GET BACK ON TRACK
A VAMPIRE FOR CAKE
VIEWPOINT
WE’RE GOING TO CLONE YOU!
THE YEAR OF SEXY
THE YETI OF MUSWELL HILL
YOU COULD BE MY PIN-UP

I intend to include one of the new poems in this entry: I LOVE YOU LESS - which also appeared in one of my SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos earlier this year.

Also relating to promoting the book I returned to the Poetry Cafe this week and read three poems from the new collection. This was my first visit to the Poetry Cafe since Tuesday 16th February 2010 and once again I was accompanied by my faithful side-kick Harry. As he had in February, Harry managed to push me into going up first - but as nobody else wanted to be first one up it probably worked in my favour as I think I got a pretty good response; especially with the first poem that I read as it was very topical.

These were the poems that I read:

THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA

I deliberately chose this one to read first and I'm rather pleased to have done so. The poem was written last November when Gordon Brown visited my place of work; however a few of us didn't take too well to being told how we were expected to bow and scrape to him should we meet him. I had no wish to meet him at any rate; after all, he's a public servant like myself and and I have no intention of giving undue respect to such a person and so I ensured that I didn't meet him. However, the phrase public servant rattled around in my head and I came up with this. As it happened, quite coincidentally - at almost exactly the same time as this poem received its live debut David Cameron had just been sworn in as Prime Minister and had just arrived at Number 10; so I now associate this piece with two Prime Ministers. However, I deliberately don't refer to which Prime Minister in particular in this poem as I want it to remain relevant down the ages!! :) I don't think this will be the last time that people are fed up with the person in power - so I am sure it will become relevant once again before too long! Still, being PM isn't meant to be a popularity contest - it's an inevitable part of the job, which someone like Blair never understood with all his spin and bluster... It was good to find that the audience seemed to connect with this poem and apparently enjoyed it and I was pleased that they seemed to laugh at some of the subtler jokes as well as the more blatant ones; not quite sure what to make of getting a cheer from the last line though! Poor Gordy...

This poem was posted on this blog back in November and can be read at: http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2009_11_01_archive.html

I LOVE YOU LESS...

I decided that this would be another good poem to read - to follow the Prime Ministerial piece; as it's one of my bitchier relationship poems, about a money grabber. Again, it seemed to go down well. I recorded this one back in January for my SHY YETI IN A SECRET LOCATION video, which can be viewed at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWanDuIRPzY or http://www.vimeo.com/8650570 The full text of the poem appears at the bottom of this post.

THE CAFFEINE QUEEN

I decided to finish with this little piece - the story of a lady who drinks too much coffee and is really rather wild - and then what becomes of her when she changes to decaff. I recorded this poem for my first SHY YETI ON LOCATION video, filmed in Dorset at New Year 2010. The video version can be viewed at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dHbo3vLD-g&feature=youtu.be&a  or at:  http://www.vimeo.com/8541628

Unlike my last appearance at open-mike in February I kept within my five minutes and even managed to plug A SOUPCON OF SHY YETI to the audience. It was a really good evening and there were some of the best poets I've heard read at open-mike, to be honest - so in retrospect it was quite an honour to be the first up. Anyway, that's it for now - more news as I get it. I hope you enjoy the new poem.

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS The photo at the top of this post was taken during my trip to Krakow in November 2010, around the same time as THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA was written. :)  There is more about my Krakow trip in DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS...


I LOVE YOU LESS...

I love your kiss…
I love your cat…
I love your touch…
Your Mayfair flat!
I love your food –
Also your mother…
I wouldn’t mind –
To bed your brother!
But as for you –
You’re always hammered!
I’m not so sure…
Not so enamoured!
I love your friends –
But must confess…
When it comes to you –
I love you less…


I love your smile…
I love your Jag…
Your new iPod –
And Versace bag!
I love your pool…
Your luxury villa!
Your chauffeur’s lush –
His eyes are killer!
But as for you –
I’m not so sure…
You’re like the flu –
I’d like a cure…
I love your charm –
But I digress…
You’re not so great…
I love you less…


I love your laugh…
Love all you’ve got…
Your next door neighbour’s –
Kind of hot!
I love the jokes –
You keep on saying!
I love meals out –
When YOU are paying!
As for your yourself –
I’m undecided…
Your taste in curtains –
Is much derided!
I love that you –
Try to impress!
But I like me more –
Still love you less…


I love your pecs –
You flex real well…
I love your warmth –
And manly smell!
I love your clothes –
Your fast new scooter…
You’re kind of nice…
But could be cuter!
But the inner you –
If I may be so bold…
I’m quite unmoved –
You leave me cold!
I love your wallet –
Keeps me, I guess…
I love all these things –
Just love YOU less…

I LOVE YOU LESS is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2010

ANOTHER NEW POEM FROM "DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?"

Hi,

As promised - another new poem from the new collection - one new poem each week until the new book is available. Lastest news on DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS is that all the poems and comments have been proofed and I am now just going through all the extra bits at the back of the book. The way things are going the collection should be ready to go to Lulu a week today; paws crossed.

More on this next week!

As well as working on this collection I have completed a new poem this week for THE DEATH OF LOVE - it's called THE EARWORM and is all about those irritating songs that get stuck inside your head. I have also been working on some new short stories to go into THE YETI MACABRE collection of horror poems and stories.

Anyway - the poem that I am posting this week is called THE CROCODILE and is all about slimey types who you might come across in your working life... I hope you enjoy it! :)

More soon! Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS The photo has nothing to do with crocodiles - it's just a random one I found from last spring when I was taking photos to promote my SHY YETI RULES OK collection.

THE CROCODILE…



He's watching every move you make –
His smile is proud and wide…
He has a chuckle in his voice –
So you will think he's on your side!
But do be certain that he isn't;
You may not know him very well…
But he is hungry for your blood –
Yes, he's just there to give you hell...
Yet there are stupid people out there –
Who seem impressed by his tall tales…
Needs only look them in the eye;
Works every time; this never fails…
Those same people think he's talented –
Or that he's clever; full of charm…
But you and I now know the truth…
He's only here to cause us harm!

Because he's the crocodile –
And he's sharpening his teeth!
He's got your freedom in his sights –
Soon he'll be sending you a wreath!
That devious crocodile…
Oh, he has got a lot of bite…
But if you cross him once too often –
Then he will drop you from a height!

He's watching your reactions –
He will enjoy your growing fear…
He'd love to keep you in a cupboard –
And let you out just once year...
If he so chooses you will perish –
So, do retaliate at will…
You must side step if he approaches –
As he moves in to make a kill…
Well, could you be in any doubt –
About his motives or his plans?
He was never mister nice guy –
And no, he has no screaming fans!
The only screams you may well hear…
Will come from those left at his mercy!
All those people he makes suffer –
Who may bow to him or curtsey!

Yes, he's the crocodile…
Hark! Hear the snapping of his jaws…
He is everyone's worst nightmare –
And soon he's going to end up yours!
That greedy crocodile –
You may well think him quite vanilla…
But deep inside he's drop dead evil –
With the cold heart of a killer…

He is watching as you're breathing –
Knows your heart is in your throat…
Make sure you carry silver bullets –
In case you need an antidote…
Carry close your sacred cross –
Just in case you're out of luck…
Just in case he bares his fangs –
And moves in close to have a suck!
Just in case the moon is full –
It always pays if you beware…
Because this man's a proper monster…
He's only out to cause a scare!
He's only there to cause you misery –
Likes to think that he's your master…
But if he's left in charge we're ruined –
By this brain-dead bringer of disaster…

But is he such a clever clogs?
He thinks he'll never feel your loss…
Until one day he might regret it –
Until the day you are HIS boss…

Oh, what a crocodile…
Don't let him catch you in a rush…
One twisted glance from that cadaver;
Will turn your brains into a mush!
That cunning crocodile –
No, you must not admit defeat…
Be sure you choke him when he swallows –
We all KNOW it's you he's gonna eat!

THE CROCODILE comes from Shy Yeti's new collection: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS - Copyright Paul Chandler 2010.

"TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE" AND "THE YETI MACABRE"...

As promised, I present to you here a little something more from my next book: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

It's called "TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE" and is more of a prose piece than a proper poem - I wrote it in Nice, last October.

Work on DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS continues apace - and the book is still due to emerge in May; no exact date yet - but I should know more by the end of next week.

Additionally to this, the next book of poems and the next Mouse of Commons novel - this week saw me beginning to work on a new compilation of my more horror-based, supernatural and just plain odd writing! The title of this collection was to have been YETI FANTASTIC - but has since become THE YETI MACABRE which my old friend Andrew Davies suggested to me during an email chat. I thought it was perfect and definitely suits the collection. THE YETI MACABRE will be a collection of short stories (the first is called THE NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR and there will be several more) and the rest of the book will be populated by the more horror-based pieces of prose and poetry that I've published in my poetry collections to date.

Anyway - enjoy TO BE BESIDE THE SEA-SIDE; actually this is probably weird enough to appear in the THE YETI MACABRE too!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS Eagle-eyed viewers may note that the photo that I have used to illustrate this poem does not come from Nice - but elsewhere! (Nice has a rocky beach - whereas the one in the photo does not...) The photo actually comes from my November 2008 trip to Barcelona; one of the locations in my forthcoming Mouse of Commons collection: POSTCARDS FROM MCWHISKERS - which should be out this summer.

TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE…



Bobbing about in the sea off the beach in Nice one mild October afternoon...
There's nothing like a bit of seawater to wash away the cobwebs!
The sun is hot, but I am British and a prude...
But I have been sensible and I have thought ahead!
I wear a sky blue t-shirt from Primark that boasts of the Californian sun!
My friend, Harry, rests uncomfortably on the pebbles reading philosophy...
But no book nor philosopher can ever truly understand the sea...
Back amongst the waves a few minutes of floating about can really relax one…
It can really make your mind work overtime;
There amongst the waves I am a mermaid...
A hairy, beary mermaid - but a mermaid none the less!
My chunky oafish paws now one heavy flipper...
I could swim out to sea forever; I could dive deep to drink tea with sea horses!
Wait. How would sea horses actually drink tea!?
How would they tell where their tea ended and the sea began?
Wouldn't it taste really salty?
Maybe they wouldn’t mind that or they would simply keep it in a flask…
Perhaps they’d just suck teabags between their teeth and hope for the best!
Or perhaps they'd just keep going until they reached Italy...
Get out of the sea; catch a train to Turin –
And then have their tea there. I mean it would probably be a lot safer too.
Something is squawking loudly above me.
Could it be my conscience or simply Harry calling me in for our fish supper...
It is neither; merely gulls in flight and they have seen me!
They have mistaken me for a large piece of white bait or a giant sprat!
Be gone foul winged beasties; can't you see I'm a mermaid!
Shouldn't you be afraid or at least have a little respect...
Things look bad - they're going to grab me, nip me, tweak me, poke me…
Tenderise me until I'm fit to be eaten and then lift me high, high into the air!
To be flown back to their nests to be devoured by their children or wives –
By their husbands, their maiden aunts, mother-in-laws and close family friends!
That said, I'd like to see them try and lift me...
Chances are they simply intend to poo upon my head!
Not waiting to find out, I dive beneath the water to escape them...
How clever am I?
Underwater I can hear the clinking of tea cups and the boiling of kettles...
The sea horses are getting ready for afternoon tea and I am NOT invited!!
Although slightly cross I am also more curious as to how they manage it!
How CAN it be possible? Should I swim down to check it out?
For a moment I consider it, but then remember that fish supper...
Something that I really don't intend to miss out on!
Being a mermaid is not what it's cut out to be – so I head back to shore.
Clambering back across the pebbles wistfully towards my towel!
Oh my. How hot the sun is. How hot my head is!!
I look back towards the sea one last time...
The sea horses are waving and raising their tea cups.
There are dolphins out there too and they have cake, damn them...
Next time I return I'll ensure that I'm a jelly fish, then see how they like it!
Next time I'll be a whale or a shark...
Next time, perhaps, I'll also wear a sun hat.

TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE is copyright Paul Chandler, 2010.

AS PROMISED - ANOTHER NEW POEM ETC.

As promised here is another new poem from the DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS collection, which is due out next month. I am also going to remind you of the two main sites where you can watch all my recent videos (and some of the old ones).

YOUTUBE LINK: http://www.youtube.com/user/MRSHYYETI
VIMEO LINK: http://vimeo.com/shyyeti/videos

These links take you to videos I have made for my poems, some live performances and also to the 6 episodes of SUTTON PARK SW1 that I have made, so far, this year - which although not directly linked to my poetry does feature it as a plot point in certain episodes (such as one of my poetry books turning up from the future and causing a time anomoly, you know that normal kind of thing...)

The SUTTON PARK blog and FACEBOOK group can be found at the following links:

SUTTON PARK blog: http://www.suttonpark.blogspot.com/

SUTTON PARK (TV show) Facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sutton-Park/236167296188?ref=ts&v=wall#!/group.php?v=wall&gid=112929612062435

The new poem is a bit of a sombre one - about people who are in relationships that have gone on for decades simply because they don't feel they have any other option... I promise the next poem will be a cheerier one!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

NOT SEEING ANYBODY ELSE…

We’re not seeing anybody else –
We have made a solemn pact…
We’ve been dating for a while –
And we don’t seem to have cracked!
We have learnt each other’s foibles –
Made some optimistic tweaks…
Could it be we’re almost perfect?
Well, it’s not been that many weeks…
There’s enough evidence before us…
At least to hope we’ve got a chance!
Any problems can be ironed out –
Through some sly hypnotic trance!
Or perhaps we’ll turn a blind eye…
To any faults that come our way!
We’ve not been seeing anybody else –
And have no secrets to betray!


We’re not seeing anybody else –
No, we’re not in the dating game…
Whilst we see how we develop –
An item, true, in all but name…
Yes, we have learnt how to exist –
Living close, but far apart!
We don’t call to say “I love you…”
Quite as much as at the start…
And yet the evidence suggests –
That we’ve a happy life ahead!
Although you never can be certain –
What fate may hold in store instead!
Still, it’s better to be hopeful…
Not so cynical of mind…
We’re not seeing anybody else –
For such an act would feel unkind!


We’re not seeing anybody else –
And we’re content to stay that way…
Things are easier lost in limbo –
It makes the day pass by okay…
We have found ourselves a routine –
That we can live with more or less…
You compliment my cooking –
And I teach you how to dress!
I’ve been introduced to mother –
And it seems she did approve…
I’ve really cut back on the swearing…
Could it be things might improve?
Could it be our future’s brighter?
And that we’re in for better weather?
We’re not seeing anybody else…
So we may as well just stay together…


We’re not seeing anybody else –
And that’s the way it will remain!
We don’t attempt to window shop…
Nor let intentions ever wane…
We ended up this little couple –
But we can’t quite remember how…
It is much too late to change things –
No, I’m not keen to have a row…
We’re quite content to stay an item –
It’s one less hassle to arrange!
I know that sounds quite apathetic –
Kind of weird or rather strange…
But we both share a kind of love…
That you could say is hard to find!
We’re not seeing anybody else –
Our ambitions long since left behind…

NOT SEEING ANYBODY ELSE is Copyright Paul Chandler 2010 and appears in his new collection: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? which is published on www.lulu.com in early May 2010.

SUTTON PARK AND A NEW POEM FROM DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

Hi,

First off  I'm going to briefly mention my spoof B-movie series, SUTTON PARK SW1 - simply because I showcase my SOUPCON OF SHY YETI book as part of the plot. This hasn't been the first mention of my poetry in the show since it came back; as it is now part of the history of the character that I play; which is a fictional version of myself. Part 5 has my latest book showing up and causing a time anomoly!! It's true... I can't really explain it any more than that because it is simply extremely daft. The poetry spoof-sci-fi action continues into Part 6, due to be posted somewhen in April.

Here is the link to Part 5 where the book shows up for the first time:

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0NJ9l1O_oA

Vimeo: http://vimeo.com/10551587

As promised I will also be posting up a few new poems (approx one a week) from the new DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS collection, which is due out in early May. There will also be a new poetry video during April to highlight the arrival of the new book, which is currently in the final stages of proofreading.

This week's poem is called YOU COULD BE MY PIN-UP, which takes the idea of being a pin-up to the most absurd levels...

I hope you like it - they'll be more soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

YOU COULD BE MY PIN-UP…


Now, you could be my pin-up…
If you’re looking for some action!
You’ve a face for bedroom walls –
And there’s an obvious attraction…
You shouldn’t be at all surprised –
If you soon break a million hearts!
Or become the centre of attention –
For horrid hate-mail or for darts!
Because you can’t predict responses –
Be they fuelled by love or hate…
Yours may be a face they puke at –
You may be their one dream date!
So, if you’d like to be my pin-up…
Take your place upon my wall!
I’d be honoured now to host you –
It is my pleasure; not at all!!


Oh, you could be my pin-up…
If you’re looking for a job!
Pin yourself upon my wall –
But you will have to shut your gob!
You will have to keep it buttoned –
Gurn inanely nine to five!
If your adhesive loses stick –
Then you may have to take a dive!
Also, stuck up by the window –
You must be a little crafty!
Wear some insulated pants –
In case it gets a little draughty!
You can be my lucky charm!
You can be next week’s big face!
Just be my pin-up of the moment –
Before you vanish without trace!


So, you could be my pin-up –
If you’re looking for some fun…
Upon the wall you may diminish –
Or soon be faded by the sun…
Over time you may grow tatty –
Or be tarnished by a tear…
May become a fashion victim –
With your awful noughties hair!
It’s just something you must live with –
Or it could be your sad undoing!
Just accept that you’ll be patched up –
Or may need a spot of gluing!
Yes, that’s the sad fate of the pin-up…
Don’t it feel like time just flew!
Soon you’ll feel like you’re forgotten –
To be replaced by someone new!


Hey! You could be my pin-up –
If you’re looking for some work…
You can sit upon my desk –
Just simply grinning like a berk!
Yes, still there upon my calendar –
With your cheeky little smile…
Simply staring at me working –
Not ever resting for a while…
You can weigh down all my clutter –
You can be my sticky tape!
You can be my paper clip –
Or wear an outfit made of crepe!
You’ll still be my favourite person –
Even when you’re long since gone…
You’ll still be my special pin-up!
You’ll always be my number one…

YOU CAN BE MY PIN-UP is Copyright Paul Chandler 2010.

BECOMING MORE LIKE A CAT...

Hi,

Just a quick post and a new poem - it's a first draft and was only written a day or two ago and will appear in the DEATH OF LOVE collection towards the end of the year. It was inspired by a cat called Nightshade and is about how humans end up becoming more like their cats; the reverse of the old adage that cats become more human from hanging around with us people.

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS is due to be published in May - I am doing the final proofing at the moment and during April aim to post a number of poems from this collection - as well as releasing a new video containing poems just from this new collection.

I hope you enjoy the new poem.

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS The cat in the picture is my now very big puss, Deeley when he was a kitten, with his mother Juanita and siblings.

BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE


I'm becoming more cat-like as time shuffles on…
I'm beginning to wonder quite where I belong…
Yes, the branch of a tree or a spot by the fire…
Seems the sort of snug place for this lad to retire…
As I stretch out my paws and dream sweet dreams of fish –
With my breath tuna fresh; I need food in my dish…
Still, I have to consider the fact now; just that…
I simply don't have nine lives - no, I'm not yet a cat...


I'm becoming more cat-like as time passes by…
When it comes to catnip I have never been shy…
I'm beginning to get me a definite purr!
I've no shame when I lie back to flourish my fur…
I have found me a nice post to get me a scratch…
For the hound who's next door I am hardly a match!
On my red velvet cushion I'm happily sat…
Every day getting rounder and more like a cat!


I'm becoming more cat-like as months turn to years –
I've a twitch in my whiskers; a flea in my ears…
With one eye on my bowl and the swish of my tail…
My attempt to catch mice it is destined to fail!
With the fierce local Tom I got into a ruck –
In the cat flap my head got unfortunately stuck…
Yet I find every day life so decidedly flat…
As each week I grow steadily more like a cat…


I'm becoming more cat-like; I really don't mind…
To exist as a person is simply a bind…
Yes, the dull daily grind is the ultimate bore –
And from now on those ways I will simply ignore!
I will sharpen my claws and most plaintively mew –
I will bid my farewell to the commuter belt queue…
I'll just lie on my back; let you wobble my fat!
Oh, how could I regret time now spent as a cat...

BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE is Copyright Paul Chandler 2010