THIS NEW PROSE PIECE IS A STEAL...

THE THIEVING SHADOWS - A TRUE STORY...

Hello beasties!!

A short piece for our second post this week, inspired by a walk that Toby and I took near Kenwood House on Good Friday, 25th March 2016; I also include some photos that I took that day...

Next week, I'll be sharing two more posts - the first concerns some of the story-lines from the first season of KENSINGTON GORE and the second will either be another Shy Yeti sketch or a new prose piece...

Before we move on to today's peculiar little story - let me remind you of the date of my new Poetry Café show...

More soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. THE THIEVING SHADOWS was written between Sunday 27th and Wednesday 30th March 2016.

THE THIEVING SHADOWS

She'd had a busy morning...
Picking pockets down in Camden Town and later up in Hampstead...
Off down that busy side street near the station -
Where the junk shop spill their wares onto the street...
There are always loads of people along there going through the trinkets; not paying attention to anyone around them...
She'd picked five wallets and a couple of purses...
After that she'd nipped up on the tube to Golders Green -
Had caught the bus from there up to Kenwood House...
Goodness, it was busy; she hadn't even looked at her prizes yet...
It was a sunny Good Friday bank holiday and the tourists were out...
Tourists and locals with Waitrose carrier bags containing their picnics -
With the distraction of children and heavy hand-bags...
Bags full of tissues, mints, credit cards and loose change...
She'd been greedy earlier and now had a rucksack full of spoils...
It was time to take a break before getting the bus home...
Time to eat a home-made sandwich made from stolen cheddar -
And to look through some of what she had taken;
Then to jettison some of the useless stuff;
There was no point in carrying all that back with her...
She found a dry spot of earth and laid back against a tree -
The afternoon sun-light streamed down around her through the branches...
She threw a grape to the crows and watched them fight...
As she picked through all the stuff that she'd stolen...
Keeping the money - the watch - anything valuable that she could pawn...
She'd have to be quick to use any cards before they were cancelled;
Never a flicker of conscience...
She'd lived too long this way to have doubts about her actions!
As her fingers picked through the wallets -
She did not notice the shadows of the branches growing longer...
They grew curious - keen to see what was there and what was going on...
They too began to pick through her bag...
Every time her back was turned they took a trinket,
Goodness knows what they would do with the money...
Buy themselves leaves to cover their current nakedness!?
It was spring, but their leaves were yet to unfurl...
They had very little interest in credit cards...
But mulch and manure - flesh and bones...
Now that was the ultimate harvest; that would help them grow stronger...
Eventually she emptied out the rucksack;
Surprised to find less inside than she recalled having taken...
She noted a pile of purses in the crook of the tree that she hadn't seen...
Shaking her head she reasoned that she was just over-tired...
She needed her sleep, that was for sure...
Time to go - to pack up what she meant to keep and get rid of the rest...
There was a noise close by - like something scuttling...
A squirrel, maybe? A squirrel having clambered inside the rucksack...
Gingerly, she picked up the bag - it was certainly felt a lot heavier -
And yet peering in all she could see was a swirling darkness...
It almost seemed to be watching her...
It almost seemed to be reaching up as if to throttle her...
One villain meeting another...
A thief come to steal from her whatever life was left inside...

All contents of this post are Copyright, Paul Chandler, 2016.

KENSINGTON GORE - COMING SOON!

KENSINGTON GORE - THE CHARACTERS...

Hello beasties!

This week - in the first of two posts - it's time to look at another of my projects that is almost ready to  release. It's the third project that I have completed and published, so far, in 2016 - although I've been working on it for nearly 18 months. Each of these projects is its own little world and hopefully one of them will appeal to you, dear reader.

This post we are looking at the characters that feature in this newest projects, KENSINGTON GORE... As with HOT STUFF!! it is a script novel - the first of a series, although it is possible to read it in its own right without knowing any of the recurring characters, some of whom also appeared in my BEAST OF FRIENDS series which reached its conclusion last year.

I'm excited to announce that this new project will be released on Sunday 1st May 2016...

KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 1...

Here we present the names of those involved in the events that feature during the following scripts:

Warren Helix

Warren comes from a very weird family – whilst he himself is pretty normal fellow! He will also be familiar to those readers who followed THE BEAST OF FRIENDS series.

Katrina Hortensia

Katrina is a white witch – although in the past she was quite the hell-raiser… She will also be familiar to those readers who followed THE BEAST OF FRIENDS series.

Lucy Stammers

Lucy is the third member of the team – a level-headed tough nut in her mid-20s. She appeared in the forth and final season of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS and also began dating Colin just before his untimely death.

Sir Eddie Eden

The mysterious man from the Ministry – also Warren, Lucy and Katrina’s boss.

Ashley Helix

Warren’s mother – she can be a menace at times, but has a great deal of influence…

Pat and Michael Jenkins

New tenants who have moved into The Gore with their sinister, ghostly children…

Copernicus Smith

A ghost and also a friend of the team – he is quite an admirer of Warren’s…

Jack Archer

Turns up working in the area with his eye firmly on Lucy – he has a lot of secrets...

Dr Matt Simmons

A doctor friend of Katrina’s who is called in to help with her vampire cow collection...

P.J.

A telepathic friend of Lucy’s who works in the local bar – The Disgruntled Yak. He only makes a brief appearance during season one - but will return in later seasons...

Lombardo Braithwaite

A gentleman who is very much interested in getting his hands on the vampire cows.

Adrianna

A mysterious tenant of The Gore flats who will play a big part in the 2nd season...

Next time we'll be looking at aspects of the actual plot of this first season of KENSINGTON GORE - without giving away too many spoilers...
 

Before we go I'd like to remind you about A YETI WAY OF THINKING, that was published a couple of weeks ago. It's been selling well, so I'd like to thank everyone who's bought it so far for supporting me and also to THE BEARGRRIAN GAZETTE for making it their book of the week for the third week in a row.

A YETI WAY OF THINKING contains over 80 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between Autumn 2012 and Summer 2014. They include: ARE THEY AWARE I’M A WEREWOLF?, GIN GOBLINS, INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, I USED TO BE A TEN, MYSTERY HEN, ONION MAN, PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS, TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI, YOU’LL DO and many more…

Pbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18213326 £8.99

Hbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18214369 £14.99

I hope you enjoy the new book!

That's about it for this time - I'll be back with something new on Wednesday - so check back then, please, if you have time as I have a new prose piece for you... It's slightly sinister too!! 

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

FURRY FRIENDS AND DAFT DITTIES...

A NEW POEM ABOUT CATS...

Hello beasties!

What a handsome cat! Who is he? It's Deeley, of course! Isn't he sweet? (Believe me, you want to say yes or else you might find Deels sat on your head with a very disapproving expression on his face!) Originally I'd intended to gift you this new poem over Easter, instead of giving you an egg - but Shy Yeti's latest escapades got in the way instead. Poems are a lot better for you than eggs, of course - so I'm doing you a favour anyway! I know one shouldn't judge when one is as spherically-shaped as I am, but I do think you're all looking a little tubbier than normal, at the moment. Not worked off the Christmas pudding yet? I know... It's difficult. I actually lost some weight recently, but I'm STILL fat! Big-boned, I say... Boy! That's some large bone... Oh my... This is beginning to sound a tad X-rated, so I'm going to stop... Happy Easter, alright?! Enjoy Deeley!! There won't be ANY chocolate - just cattiness! Oh, yes... Catty to the end, that's me!

Oh - before I go any further I should stop to announce the exciting news that I have a date for my next Poetry Cafe show. It's going to be Friday 8th July 2016 and I'm also very glad to be able to announce that John Smallshaw has confirmed his availability. It just wouldn't be the same without him! Here's a poster advertising the event - which I intend to use as an opportunity to celebrate the recent publication of my A YETI WAY OF THINKING collection.

For that matter I'll probably end up performing the new poem included here - or one or two of the prose pieces published on the blog lately; you shall just have to come along and see for yourself.

Moving on, and you will, no doubt, have noticed that this is our second post of the week... It's just something I'm trying over Easter whilst I have an extra lot of material to share with you. This post contains the first poem that  have completed in quite some time - I actually started it last year and only recently returned to it thanks to all the pretty photos that Toby and I have been taking of daft Mr Deeley, of late...

So, I'm returning to old territory here - yes, indeed - it's a poem about cats with an obvious pun for a title! Yes, it's Shy Yeti at his daftest; I do hope you enjoy it, anyway! As I say, it's taken a while to finish and even when I thought I'd completed it, not so very long ago, I managed to over-write most of the last verse having spent all evening working on it! Luckily I could remember most of what I'd written - but not completely... Most frustrating! It's amazing how long a rather daft ditty can take to write - they're not dashed off in five minutes you know! Not at all! (No matter what those grumpy poets who never use rhyme may try and tell you about us "doggeral" writing folk...) I might add that I think it has echoes of one of my favourite cat poems that I have written, BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE - especially due to the little choruses at the beginning and end of the verse; these being last minute additions to the piece on the 5th April 2016. As I say, I kept on tinkering with this poem - I really need to get it posted and out there for you to have a look at! I do hope you like it...

Whilst I think of it, I have news on the next Poetry Cafe show - it seems more likely that it will take place in July, as it looks like they may have some Friday night slots free - whereas in May all those are gone. I am just waiting for confirmation on an exact date - but it's looking hopeful! For those of you who may have forgotten, this show is to celebrate the recent publication of A YETI WAY OF THINKING - my first completely new book of poems and stories since NOT AS SHY AS I WAS back in November 2013! I know! I know... I'm slowing down... There were times that I released three poetry books a year... Of course, in reality it's not that I've slowed down at all - but I am writing less prose and verse whilst I've been working on my script-books! It's nice to have a slightly different priority after all these years of making poetting my main project... All that said, I'm really very excited to share A YETI WAY OF THINKING with you - and I really love all the new material included in it - it's had time to be performed and for it to percolate until the versions that appear in the book are truly the best versions that I could have included.

Next week, in the first of two posts, I'm going to start telling you about the first season of my new script-book, KENSINGTON GORE, looking firstly at the characters that are involved before moving on to the story a little more the following week. After that I'll be sharing with you some behind-the-scene photos that I took to promote this project and the book will probably be out soon after that, in early to middle May. It's pretty much ready now, but I don't want to flood the Yeti market so soon after my last book... There will probably be another volume of each of my scripted-series coming out before the end of the year, but more on those when we get there!

In between each of the posts on the new script-book, the second post of each week - I intend to post a new yeti sketch or piece of prose... This way I keep a balance between promoting the new material and sharing new stuff that I'm working on which I publish exclusively on the blog.

Anyway, enough of that for now - time for that new poem - I hope you enjoy it!

More soon - take care!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PURRFECT...

It's quite a purrfect way of living - 

Is life curled up on a mat...

But would I really want their life?

The fur - the tail of just a CAT!?

And yet...

A cat's life IS all but purrfect...
They will do just as they please!
See them watch the goggle-box -
Perched there upon a strangers knees!

Their days are often quite a snooze...
But they don't seem to really care -
About what anybody thinks -
Concerning random nostril hair!
They do not keep a strict routine...
They leave most people quite in awe...
They have a confidence, unique...

Which you can hear within their snore...

There isn't much a cat need do -
Most focus though on taking naps...
They'll share their cheese with all the mice...
But still help set out all the traps...

A cat's life is simply purrfect...
In truth, it's really pretty swell...
They are gifted with nine lives...

Some moggies use them too... Do tell!

Some they like to see the world -
Dress up in a smart new suit...
They grab a cup of milk to go -
Then head off on their long commute!
Although it's rumoured some cats hunt -
Most you'll find curled in a ball...
A few will swing from chandeliers - 
Yet crash cross-eyed into a wall...

They'll give you love to earn their keep -
They truly are the chosen few...
But don't expect to work too hard -
To get themselves a good review...

A cat's life is really purrfect -

And so, there isn't any doubt...

That what a kitty wants they'll get -
Demands come loud as any shout...
You cannot tell a cat, "Just STOP!"

They will ignore those kind of words...

They'll never be best friends with mice -

With bunnies, gold-fish or with birds...
They cannot help the way they act -
Nor can they edit what they do...

It's just a puss-cat way of life -
Their love is earned; no say have you!
One minute ever-so alert...
The next they seem so darned sedate...
Yet each sleeping feline left to lie -
Is paused to pounce; just laid in wait!!

It's a purrfect way of living - 
Yes, you may disagree with that...

But if I get a second chance...

Then I'll demand, "MAKE ME A CAT!!"

The Deeley photos in this post were taken by both myself and Toby W - he took all the close-up shots, this time. All contents of this post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

EXTRA! EXTRA! THERE IS NO APRIL FOOL LIKE A FURRY FOOL...

COMING UP IN APRIL - AN EXTRA BIT OF YETI...

Hello beasties!

Now don't quote me on it - but I may be posting more than once a week during April... I have quite a bit to share with you regarding my new script-novel, KENSINGTON GORE - but I've also written a few short prose pieces, a poem and an increasing number of yeti sketches... The rate that I am going at the moment if I only post once a week then I'll have enough posts to last well into June - and there are things that I know are happening in June that I need to post about then! At any rate, it also makes up for me nattering on about my next book when you may just prefer silliness instead.

I won't stop - but, as I say - I may well be back mid-week with a new poem about a cat; sooner rather than later!

Enjoy the daft yeti sketch! What HAS the yeti been up to now?

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx
 

SHY YETI IS AN APRIL FOOL...

In which Shy Yeti is an April Fool and it isn't even the first of the month...

The following extract is from a Police recording that was made on Saturday the 2nd of April 2016.

Wimbledon Police Station...

OFFICER: (all very officially)

Mr Yeti do you understand why you have been brought in for questioning today...

SHY: (sounding a little vague)

I believe that I have been accused of causing a disturbance...

OFFICER: (politely, but trying to hide his impatience)

May I request that you cease mumbling and speak more clearly into the microphone, please sir...

SHY: (apologetic)

So sorry! I was just polishing off a slice of fruit cake that your assistant provided with my cup of tea...

OFFICER: (disapproving, slightly sarcastically)

How ironic, considering your recent debacle at the local bakers - I would have thought you would have wanted to keep away from any species of pastries...

SHY: (surprised)

Why ever would I want to do that, officer?

OFFICER: (shaking his head, seriously)

I think that your actions rather speak for themselves, Mr Yeti... Have you ever considered re-hab?

SHY: (mutters)

Have you ever considered finishing school, officer? Your manners really are appalling!

OFFICER: (patiently)

It was not my intention to offend, sir... I only wished to point out that you might benefit from some manner of counselling or nasal awareness classes...

SHY: (confused, distracted)

Nasal what, now?

OFFICER: (gently)

I was merely attempting to point out that your nose does have a tendency to get you into trouble...

SHY: (dismissively)

I really have no idea what you're on about, officer...

OFFICER: (reading from his notes)

I have a report here from a Dr Magda from St George's, Tooting - it's dated 24th March 2016, less than two weeks ago... Do you have any idea what it might concern?

SHY:

Remind me...

OFFICER:

You had an emergency appointment with Dr Magda due to nasal congestion... When they examined you they found two cup cakes and a bouquet of daffodils...

SHY: (distant, dreamily)

Oh! But they smell so lovely at this time of year - I couldn't help myself... The flowers, I mean - I have no idea where the cupcakes came from, they were probably just snacks that I was keeping there for a rainy day; my nostrils are really quite large and perfect for the storage of such items.

OFFICER: (sighing before continuing)

That's as may be - only you never actually paid for the daffodils...

SHY: (somewhat patronisingly)

I believe I passed out, as it happens, officer... Of course I would be only too happy to reimburse the stall-holder for any trouble caused; perhaps he might consider keeping his wares behind bars or glass from now on... They are terribly yummy of smell - no wonder the bees can't resist them...

OFFICER: (equally as patronising in return) 

Have you never heard of self-control?

SHY: (playing stupid)

No indeed, what ever is it? A cologne?

OFFICER: (ignoring him and continuing)

I have another report here...

SHY: (jumping in, defensively)

If it's anything to do with the time I was found basking in a swimming pool of melted ice cream then I'd like to remind you that I was on property belonging to my good friend, Simon. You can ask Charlie Grrr, he was there...

OFFICER: (chuckling slightly)

Really, I wouldn't try using Mr Grrr as a character witness... His crimes to both food, fashion and music would probably stretch between here and the moon?

SHY: (misunderstanding and seeming quite enthused)

Really? You think so? I must tell him - he'll be so pleased! That must be some kind of record...

OFFICER: (appearing unmoved and simply continuing)

Most probably, yes... I think we should probably move on - we don't seem to be making much progress... Mr Yeti... May I ask if you have any recall of the events that have led to you being questioned here today?

SHY: (acting unsure)

At the Wimbledon bakery?

OFFICER: (nodding)

Indeed...

SHY: (thinking for a moment before replying)

Well... If I remember correctly I fell...slipped, even... into a large steak and mushroom pie as it was being taken out of the oven...

OFFICER: (genuinely concerned)

That must have been very hot!

SHY: (again misunderstanding)

Oh yes, very sexy - very sexy indeed...

OFFICER: (attempting to explain himself)

I was referring to the contents of the pie - was the gravy not bubbling from the heat?

SHY: (nodding thoughtfully)

A little, maybe - my fur protects me pretty well and I suppose I've become almost used to it now, over time...

OFFICER: (raising an eyebrow)

This is not the first time that this has happened, I presume?

SHY: (proudly)

You're right... In fact, it's become quite a party piece... Some years ago I even published a book on the subject... PIES AND PUDDINGS THAT I HAVE FALLEN INTO AND THE YETI WHO LOVE THEM...

OFFICER: (becoming curious)

It sounds enticing... So, might you have been researching for a second volume when you fell into this particular pie?

SHY: (slightly bashful)

Officer! REALLY!? I couldn't possibly comment...

OFFICER: (giving up slightly, keen to conclude)

Perhaps we should wrap this up now before it gets out of hand... I merely wish you to reassure me that you won't be entering, uninvited, into any bakeries in the near future... Can't you just order your baked pastry goods on line and get them delivered like normal people do?

SHY: (surprised)

I thought only posh people did that... 

OFFICER: (not meaning any offence)

Well, I would certainly describe you as seeming quite posh, sir...

SHY: (quite blasé)

That's just because I was sent to elocution lessons when I was little... Oh, and I washed my fur last night, so I probably smell quite nice, for a change...

OFFICER: (mumbling)

Indeed you do...

SHY: (yammering on)

So kind... What were we saying? Oh... Supermarkets... You were suggesting that I order my shopping online rather than visiting the bakery in person; I didn't realise that this was such a common practice! Don't most people still just go into the shop, dragging half their family of screaming bratlings, their siblings, their mother-in-law - maybe the post-man and occasionally the neighbour's dog along with them? 

OFFICER: (kindly)

It does seem that way sometimes, doesn't it, sir? It also sounds like as a good a reason as any to avoid the shops altogether...

SHY: (lowering his voice in confession)

Perhaps you're right... I admit... I do find myself terribly tempted by the smell of bubbling cherry juices or beef gravy...

OFFICER: (joking playfully)

Not both in the same pie, I hope, sir...

SHY: (laughing)

You eat your pies and I'll eat mine... 

OFFICER: (concluding)

This is what I've been saying all along... I'm so glad you finally see things my way, Mr Yeti...

SHY: (smiling, glancing at his watch)

Yes... Well, that's as maybe... Just don't judge... One person's weird flavour concoction is another's tipper-topper-most favourite... Please remember that?!

OFFICER: (cheekily)

I will, sir... Just as long as you remember to keep from falling into pies from now on...

SHY: (coyly)

I'll do my best... Except for any scheduled visits, as it were...

OFFICER: (nodding, then continuing - sounding slightly embarrassed)

Yes, well - as long as you don't let any of those incidents get out of hand... Thank you... Oh... Whilst I think of it... You wouldn't happen to have a copy of that book of yours that you mentioned earlier, would you? 

SHY:

PIES AND PUDDINGS THAT I HAVE FALLEN INTO AND THE YETI WHO LOVE THEM?

OFFICER: (delicately)

That's the one... It's just that I have a... friend... who I think might find it quite enticing...

SHY: (quite pleased by the interest)

I'm sure I can find a copy for you... I'll even sign it for... your friend, officer... Who should I sign it to?

OFFICER: (slightly flustered)

PC George Furguson... I mean,.. Just George will do...

SHY:

Fabulous! Oh... Excuse me now... I think I might be about to sneeze... Ah... Ahhhh... Ahh chooo!!

THE OFFICER ATTEMPTS TO DUCK, BUT IS NOT QUICK ENOUGH... WHAT APPEARS TO BE A LARGE MUSHROOM SHOOTS FROM SHY'S NOSE AND HITS THE OFFICER RIGHT IN THE FACE... HE SEEMS MORE SHOCKED THAN HURT!

SHY: (apologetic)

Oh! I'm terribly sorry... I didn't get you in the eye, did I?

OFFICER: (brushing himself down)

No... No... That's fine... I'm fine! Would you like it back?

SHY: (slightly unsure)

I wouldn't mind... It must have got lodged there when I fell in the pie, back at the bakery... I suppose, strictly speaking, I've not paid for it... Do you think I should return it?

OFFICER: (a little awkwardly - getting to his feet)

I'm sure they won't mind if you kept it; considering where it's been for the last few hours! (he hands it back, quickly) I guess you could call it a form of payment, at any rate - it will probably have been good for business for the bakery to have had such a celebrity falling into one of their pies...

SHY: (all very innocent)

A celebrity? Who? Me? Oh, you are kind... Well, I better be going... I won't forget to send you that book, George old chap... So sorry about the whole sneezing business... Enjoy the rest of your day!

WITH THAT SHY YETI PUTS HIS COAT BACK ON, GIVES A MERRY LITTLE SALUTE AND HEADS OFF ON HIS WAY... ONCE THE YETI HAS GONE THE OFFICER PICKS UP THE PHONE AND THEN DIALS - IT DOESN'T TAKE LONG FOR SOMEONE TO ANSWER THE CALL...

OFFICER: (enthusiastically)

Bobby! It's me! You'll never guess who I just got sneezed on by! That SHY YETI... Yes! A mushroom shot out of one of his nostrils and hit me squarely in the eye! I can barely see! Still, it was kind of amazing, in a way... Exciting, even! I brought him in for questioning after an incident at the bakery - he claimed to have slipped into one of their pies... What do you mean you don't know who Shy Yeti is... Where have you been all your life? You know what, Bobby... I don't know why I bother with you sometimes... Really, I don't...

THE END...

PARTING NOTE:

Hello again beasties! Thank you for reading! Fact fans might like to know that I did actually sneeze just after writing the bit where Shy Yeti sneezes; thankfully a big mushroom did not shoot out of my nose... I think it was a stalk of broccoli on this occasion! Anyway! This piece was written in two sittings - on the train and during a break at work on Friday 1st April 2016, with a little re-working done just before it was posted. As promised, I'll be back some time in the week - with one post or other... Bye for now! Paul xx 

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

A MOVING (TRUE) STORY!?!

SHY YETI WRITES A MUSICAL: A SKETCH...

Hello beasties!

...And now, this week - in place of the originally scheduled blog-post we share with you now a true story - it's not an April Fool at all, I promise - it's a true story, presented as a sketch - and it goes a little like this...

Picture the scene...

*SHY YETI WAITS PATIENTLY IN THE RECEPTION AREA OF LORDS AND LADIES THEATRICAL PUBLISHINGS SONS AND CO LIMITED*

RECEPTIONIST: (politely)

You can go in, sir... Mr Lords will see you now!

SHY YETI: (sincerely)

Thank you... Thank you most kindly.

*SHY YETI GETS TO HIS PAWS AND THEN ENTERS THE OFFICE... MR LORDS, A RATHER LARGE GENTLEMAN DRESSED AS A SHOW GIRL SITS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE*

MR LORDS: (almost too enthusiastically)

Ah! Mr Yeti, I presume... How delightful to meet you...

SHY YETI: (irritatingly keen)

No... No... It's my pleasure - really it is...

MR LORDS:

I know... Listen now... You may be wondering why I've called you here... Well, I'd be happy to explain... You see, you have been highly recommended to me by my good friend, Charlie Grrr... We are in desperate need of a big new West End musical and apparently you are the one to speak to when an idea is required in double-quick time... We need something that is already written and that can go to stage within the next few weeks - our original option has completely fallen through... Charlie tells me that you've got hundreds of unwritten plays and musicals stored away for potential use...

SHY YETI: (relaxing finally)

Good gracious! So that's it... I do, indeed... For a minute there I thought you'd called me in to catalogue a book or hypnotise a pensioner or something... I got in terrible trouble the last time I tried that... I didn't mean any harm, only her pet Spaniel was complaining that their owner was snoring too loudly... That poor lady... She spent the rest of her days thinking that she was a Glam-rock star... of course, the upside was that she did pretty well on the 70s revival circuit... Anyway, it's a relief...

 

MR LORDS: (trying not to lose patience)

 

Yes, well - I can see how it probably would be... Most distressing... Anyway... Moving on... Do you think you can help me? You'll be well paid, of course - all the pies you can eat and then more...

 

SHY YETI: (happy to help)

 

Sure! Sure! Charlie was right, yes - it is true about my store of ready written scripts... I'm pretty confident that I have something that you'll be able to use - I really am full of ideas - the only thing is...

MR LORDS: (sympathetically)

A lot of your ideas are extremely silly!?

SHY YETI: (surprised but agreeing)

Well, yes... If not extremely silly then most certainly ever-so daft... How did you know?

MR LORDS:

Mr Charlie did warn us that this might be the case - but he suggested that there might be something more appropriate for our purposes if you took something that you have meticulously listed in your notebook of finished musical scripts based on slightly dull ideas...

SHY YETI: (brightening)

Why... Why, yes - I suppose I could do that...

*SHY YETI TAKES OUT HIS BRIEFCASE, WHICH HE WASN'T CARRYING EARLIER, BUT WHICH HE NOW APPEARS TO HAVE WITH HIM... HE OPENS IT UP AND TAKES OUT A LITTLE NOTE-BOOK WHICH IS, INDEED, ENTITLED "FINISHED MUSICAL SCRIPTS BASED ON SLIGHTLY DULL IDEAS..."*

MR LORDS: (with encouragement)

Please Yeti... Do share some of these more ordinary thoughts with me, if you will...

SHY YETI: (becoming quite excitable)

Certainly, Mr Lords - I'd be glad to... But are you sure you really want a slightly dull idea? I wrote a champion synopsis for a musical the other week... My solitary concern being that it's a bit similar to "Cats", only my script is about badgers... Badgers who talk - sing - work in supermarkets - have heart-breaks and occasionally embezzle company funds before taking long holidays skiing in Switzerland...

MR LORDS: (kindly)

It does sound very interesting, Mr Yeti - but I still think I'd prefer to see one of your duller ideas...

SHY YETI: (reluctantly at first)

Oh... Very well... So, I have one here all about commuters waiting for their trains to arrive...

MR LORDS: (mutters)

Blimey... That IS dull...

SHY YETI: (slightly indignantly)

Well, that is what you asked for...

MR LORDS: (doubtful)

Yes... Yes... Fair enough... But is that it? Just commuters - standing there...

SHY YETI: (trying to give it some spin)

Well, they are all quite different - the characters, I mean... One of them is a chiropodist...

MR LORDS: (sounding more interested)

Oh yes? A chiropodist, you say - well, I must admit that this is beginning to sound quite promising...

SHY YETI: (beaming)

The big twist is that their trains are delayed...

MR LORDS:

Ah yes... I imagine there are all manner of songs that can be written concerning the trauma of delayed trains... What happens then? Do some of the commuters fall in love?

SHY YETI: (slightly apologetically)

Alas, no... Their trains never come and they eventually die on the platform and are pecked to pieces by hungry seagulls... It's all pretty tragic when you think about it - I had envisaged it as a comedy...

MR LORDS: (beginning to change his mind)

Well, of course... It all sounds very interesting - but maybe just a tad ambitious...

SHY YETI: (nodding as he reflects)

Well, I'll admit that the last ten minutes when the aliens invade could be a bit on the expensive side to stage...

MR LORDS: (moving on, slightly impatiently)

Yes, indeed - and I'm not sure it's for us... I'm sorry... Would you have something else, perhaps?

SHY YETI: (trying to remain positive)

Of course... Well, this one might suit you... It's pretty dull, which I know is what you are looking for...

MR LORDS: (retaining a fixed smile)

Absolutely! So, what exactly does it concern, Yeti?

SHY YETI:

Coffee... Coffee shops, actually... Well, a café I suppose you could say... It sells some delicious tortilla and the odd scone or two - has very nice flowers on every table...

MR LORDS:

That sounds more like set design than a plot description...

SHY YETI:

Well yes - although I take it that you don't require TOO much plot...

MR LORDS: (glancing down at his specification notes)

Some plot, yes - within reason - it's a delicate balance...

SHY YETI: (continuing to detail the background)

Well, this musical involves a gentleman who visits a coffee shop for three weeks during a change in his normal routine... This new coffee shop is very efficient, very polite and they always remember his order...

MR LORDS: (hopeful)

How splendid!...And do they sing some nice songs too?

SHY YETI: (sounding quite proud)

One or two, yes... There's a whole ten minute sequence where all the cast dress as lattes and dance with some life-sized Danish pastries...

MR LORDS: (his enthusiasm is beginning to be tested)

Riiiiiggggghhhhtttt... And then?

SHY YETI: (confidently, then nervously after the pause)

At the end of the three weeks the gentleman decides that he must tell the couple who run the café that he won't be coming back because... he is no longer robbing houses in that district...

MR LORDS: (shocked)

Doing WHAT!? He's a criminal? I thought he was a business man or somesuch...

SHY YETI: (gingerly)

Oh no... He is definitely a cat burglar... Actually, a cannibalistic telepathic cat burglar from Mars - but you needn't focus too closely on all that if it doesn't sit well with you...

   

MR LORDS: (sounding desperate)

Oh dear - really - I do think it's perhaps a little ambitious for West End tastes... I'd like to suggest a rewrite, but we need something ready to go, we just don't have the time... Please, Yeti - you are our last hope here... Might you have something a little more... sedate?

*SHY YETI FLICKS THROUGH HIS LITTLE BOOK OF SLIGHTLY DULL IDEAS AND STOPS SOMEWHERE NEAR THE BACK - LOOKING THOUGHTFUL BEFORE HE SPEAKS*

SHY YETI: (speaking slowly, delicately)

I have one here about a lady who doesn't celebrate major religious holidays...

MR LORDS: (concerned)

Is she from Mars, this lady? Does she eat people or steal from them?

SHY YETI: (positively)

Not in any draft that I've written, she's not - I can assure you of that...

MR LORDS: (worried)

I'm happy to hear it, quite frankly... So, what does she do, exactly? Just sit there and do the crossword whilst not celebrating any major religious holidays?

SHY YETI: (waffling on)

That's right... Yes... She watches the news and makes a sandwich just before the interval and then speaks to her mother on the phone during the second half... Oh, and obviously it's a musical - so she occasionally hums and also sings as she puts together a shopping list; although to be fair her ability to hold a tune is no great shakes, but you can't have everything now, can you?

MR LORDS: (calmer having heard all this)

Well no, no - I suppose not... So, that's it... There's nothing you haven't told me about the plot?

SHY YETI:

Well no, no - I don't think so... Oh... Except she has flashbacks - the lady, I mean - her name is Stanley, by the way...

MR LORDS:

Right... And these flashbacks?

SHY YETI:

Take her back to her childhood when she accidentally poisoned the nanny with an off fish-finger and then set fire to a nun... Oh, and she shoots a vicar in the very last act - but he forgives her before he dies... Only the aliens DON'T forgive her and the earth is destroyed in a terrible cycling accident...

 

MR LORDS: (relieved)
 

Right... Well... That all sounds fine to me, I was just worried it was going to be another one of your daft ideas...

SHY YETI: (chirpily)

No... No... Not at all... I kept that one pretty simple... I call it EVERYDAY IS THE SAME - A STORY OF LONELINESS...

MR LORDS: (airily)

You wouldn't mind if we retitled it TITS, would you? It's just that we need something short and punchy to draw an audience in...

SHY YETI: (lightly)

No... Sure... That's fine... I think it still sums up the basic ethos of the piece...

MR LORDS: (very pleased)

Yes... I agree... Well, that's marvellous, Yeti! I think we can do business! Let's shake on it...

*SHY YETI DOES A LITTLE DANCE AND THE WHOLE WORLD APPLAUDS... SADLY SOME ALIENS DESTROY THE EARTH BY BELCHING TOO LOUDLY AND SO, ALAS, "TITS" NEVER GETS PERFORMED AFTER-ALL...*

A moving story, I think you'll all agree... Anyway, next week I'll either be sharing with you a new poem or discussing something entirely different... We'll see! Exciting, isn't it?

More soon!

Paul xx

P.S. Although I took the photos I would like to thank Toby for making the scrumptious food that appears in them. *drools a bit* Oh, sorry...

This post and all contents are copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.