IT'S BIRTHDAY TIME...

THIS IS OUR 300TH POST!!

Hello beasties!!

I know... I know... It's been a little while since out last post - but I've been away. This week we are celebrating our 300th post...

OH...
 

Can you believe that we've gotten there already? It's only taken 12 years!!!

It won't be our longest ever post, but it will be picturesque! I'm going to share with you a few photos from behind the scenes of my recent trip to Scotland, not to mention a new piece that I wrote during that trip.

Let's peruse the scenery, shall we?

Well, I hope you enjoyed that! Next time we'll be looking forward to photos from my recent trip to Madrid - and I have a short story to accompany that post too.



Before I depart, I'll leave you with a poem I wrote on Loch Ness on the 28th May 2014 about the Loch Ness Hamster!! There are even photos of me posing as aforementioned beasty! It's all very silly, but then nonsense is probably what I do best, after all.

More next time!

Take care... Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE LOCH NESS HAMSTER

The Loch Ness Hamster's -

Quite a Scot...

But is he a monster?

Well no, he's not.

He'll do his best -

To make folk flee...

But more usually -

He's full of glee...

His tail is long -

And badly knotted...

He tries to hide -

But soon is spotted!

The Loch Ness Hamster's -

Not a fright...

He's kinda puny -

Lacking might...

No, he'll not engulf you -

With his rage...

Just rides the wheel -

Within his cage...

It keeps him sane -

A calming sound...

Content to journey -

Around and round...

The Loch Ness Hamster's -

Far too clean...

He bares his teeth -

But he's not mean...

He's just too cuddly...

He's far too cute...

He doesn't snarl -

Remaining mute...

Which brings no fear -

Fails to disarm...

And yet it lends -

A certain charm...

The Loch Ness Hamster's

Much too sweet!

As beasties go -

He's not elite!

So very meek -

He's oh-so mild...

Why can't he be -

Just a little wild?

Yes, his teeth are sharp -

His back is hairy...

But no monster he -

The lad's nae scary!


THE LOCH NESS HAMSTER is Copyright Paul Chandler 2014. It will be published in his collection A YETI WAY OF THINKING, due out later this year. This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

AN IDEAL WORLD - IN PHOTOS...

ANOTHER SLICE OF SOMETHING NEW!

Hello beasties...

This week I'm going to share some photos with you and introduce a new short piece that was inspired by being out in the countryside in Derbyshire over the early May bank holiday...

 

The new piece is called AN IDEAL WORLD and is one of the last to be included in the new collection...

 

Whilst I'm here let me remind you of a number of links:

 

SHYYETI TWITTER: https://twitter.com/SHYYETI

 

SHYYETI SOUNDCLOUD: https://soundcloud.com/#shyyeti

 

SHYYETI BANDCAMP: http://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/shy-yetis-finest-home-brewed-verse

 

SHYYETI YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/user/MRSHYYETI

 

SHYYETI VIMEO: http://vimeo.com/shyyeti/

 

SHYYETI LULU: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/shyyeti

 

Anyway - back to the photos from Derbyshire, mostly taken around the Belper, Workington and Crich area - the last of which you can read about on their website: http://www.crichweb.com/site/ Thanks to my old school friend, Paul H and also to Alex for driving me around over the weekend. Paul appears in one of the photos below.

 

 

Next time we will be celebrating our 300th post... I'm not quite sure how yet - so will keep it under wraps for now. I'm heading to both Loch Ness and Madrid in the next few weeks - I'm not sure if I'll be filming whilst away, but there will definitely be photographs and hopefully some new writing.

More soon!

Take care,

Paul xx

AN IDEAL WORLD

Looking around me all I can see is green…

Trees and fields newly exploded with colour…

There in the distance a river flows…

I am standing on the edge of an orchard…

Apples hang around me and many more lie fallen at my feet…

They rot there – gradually returning to the soil.

I begin to walk down the hill –

I pass a tower – a war memorial to those long gone.

One day I will join them.

I head for the river and yet somehow I seem to get no closer…

The earth beneath my feet is becoming boggy – my shoes grow wet…

I pick my way through mud…

It is raining…

Behind me I hear hooves

Something runs towards me at speed.

I spin – attempting to avoid the beast – but it is not there…

Neither am I…

 

When I wake I am screaming, yet thankful to be conscious…

I stand by my bedroom window, breathing deeply –

In time I recover; grateful for the view…

Grateful for the smog and for the buildings and the noise and the cars…

Grateful that the world is no longer ravaged by nature.

By the trees – by the grass and the flowers – by all that once lived out there…

Yet every night when I close my eyes it is all that I dream of…

That orchard – those fields – that river – the rain and those hoof-beats…

The unfiltered air stings my nostrils…

The cool, clear water makes me gag…

The rain falls freely – there is no artificial climate there to neutralise it.

The creatures lurk – they stalk me and they bleat…

They watch me – their interest lingering…

What if they come for me and I am unable to escape?

What if in the future, such nightmares become real again?

What if our ideal world is one day lost by a world regressing?

Oh, the very thought of it!

It is no wonder that I sleep so badly.

If only I might never sleep again.

AN IDEAL WORLD and all content of this post are copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

MAY WE? YES, WE MAY!

MAY IS ALMOST THE MONTH, WE GET IT!!

Hello beasties!

This week I have a new poem to share with you - one of the last new pieces that will be going into the forthcoming A YETI WAY OF THINKING collection... Originally I was thinking of drawing a line at the end of March - but now I've decided that 80 pieces will be the cut off point for this book - meaning that I have 4 or 5 more to go.

I've also been busy working on the second and third series of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS. The first series came out in 2012, the second series is written and currently in the process of being proofread, the third series I'm busy writing at the moment (script 5 of eight) and the 4th (and possibly final) series I've begun plotting stories for. Having been ill last year my writing slowed down a little - not that you may have noticed it, but I did - but I've really been getting back into BEAST again of late. I'm considering serialising the first eight scripts of series 1 on it's own blog - but if I decide how I'm going to do that I'll let you know.

Here's a bit of information about BEAST OF FRIENDS from that first series:

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - SERIES 1.

 

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS is a series of eight radio scripts concerning a number of curious characters; an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, Clive - a robotic clock, Cromitty – a voodoo doll, a werewolf named Colin and a fellow named Warren who had a very strange upbringing! This series, originally conceived in 2004, tells of what happens when they all live together!

 

Paperback edition: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-series-one/paperback/product-20275760.html 112 Pages / £5.99

 

Hardback edition: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-series-one/hardcover/product-21186706.html 112 Pages / £11.99

 

The above photo is script 4 of series 3, THE WRONG SORT OF MOON and below is a sneaky peek of the cliffhanger... Writing series 3 is proving to be quite a different experience to writing series 1 and 2. Series 1 was a little strange anyway, as I was returning to complete ideas that I'd originally plotted back in 2004, but never written up. By series 2 I was considering which characters I enjoyed writing for most and which ones might be making their departures. Series 1 and 2 were mainly stand-alone stories with a thin linking plot-line - whereas I am finding series 3 has a lot stronger thread involving one of the new house-mates. It's all quite exciting - for me! and hopefully for you too. Lots of lovely cliffhangers as you can sort of see from the photo below. The series does have a tenuous connection to my writing and poems have featured in the first couple of seasons. Shy Yeti himself actually appears as a character in series 2 - but he's not as kind and cuddly as the real Mr Yeti, he's actually a bit of a gossip!

Before we go, I am including my most recent piece of writing, ALMOST GONE which will appear in my forthcoming A YETI WAY OF THINKING collection. It's a bit of a macabre one that was inspired by doing the washing up in a house that has suddenly become empty. It's a little bit saucy - a little bit macabre! Well, mostly it's macabre.

Next time I'll hopefully have more news about the new collection and maybe something about a new SHY YETI ON LOCATION video...

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

ALMOST GONE

 

There is heat in the coffee pot –

In the coffee in his cup…

But it is almost gone now.

Yet it reassures me…

He was here - and recently.

There is still warmth in the sheets –

Where we lay, so recently.

The bath water that we shared grows tepid.

I close my eyes and whisper his name.

The toaster and the stove…

Where earlier, I made breakfast –

Is cooling, once hot.

Now only the memory of the flame remains.

There is a smile on my face…

I lust for his body –

For the feel of him…

The love in my heart, has reignited.

Bending down, I hold his hand –

There is still heat in his touch.

But his temperature is dropping.

His expression is fixed, his eyes unseeing.

The blood around the wound is clotting.

I wait, listening –

His heart-beat flutters.

Gently, I kiss him goodbye.

His lips are stony.

His pulse is slowing.

The life is almost gone.

 

He is safe with me now.

Tick, tick.

Gone.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

LAST WEEK'S YETI SHOW...

BACK AT THE POETRY CAFE FOR 2014...

Hello beasties!

This week I'm looking back over my first Poetry Cafe show of 2014... Despite the bad timing of it being just before Easter, we had a good evening and I managed to read quite a few of my poems - old and new. It was all a bit hectic and I'm not sure that I've listed the order exactly as I read them - but here's a list of what I definitely read on the night. I definitely finished with I WILL EAT PIES, I know that! The night's show was to celebrate the publishing of LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED, but I also read pieces from other collections. The evening was meant to raise money for the RSPCA - but as the turn out was low I'll be adding what money we did raise to any collection made at the next show on Friday 18th July. Apologies - but I've forgotten exactly which piece I ended the first half with, although I think I began the second half with A HAPPY YETI HOWL. The first few poems from the first half of the show were recorded to be kept for a future live video. Here's a bit more information...



LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED
10TH ANNIVERSARY SHOW -
WEDNESDAY 16TH APRIL 2014

WHY AGNES, YOU'RE LOVELY
THE ANSWER'S NO
AUGUSTUS THE TRUSTY GUIDANCE PIG
BORN WITHOUT A FUNNY BONE
CRASHING BORES
CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND
DEATH ON AN EMPTY STOMACH
FAHRENHEIT 4:51
GRANNY ETHEL KEEPS THEM DECENT
LET SLEEPING DOGGERAL LIE
LOVED FOR WHAT YOU'RE NOT
PLEASE KEEP THIS PARK TIDY
RECKLESSLY
DOOR-TO-DOOR PSYCHOPATH
THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY
A HAPPY YETI HOWL
THE DREADED LURGY
AN IDIOT IN LOVE
CATS SHOULD WEAR MUFFLERS
IN PLACE OF A HEART
A CHANGE IN THE SEASONS (VERSE 1)
A CHANGE IN THE SEASONS (VERSE 2)
ALL GOOD PIES MUST END
THE BLACK-EYED GROWL
DISCO YETI
"IT"
WE DON'T DANCE TO LOVESONGS
I WILL EAT PIES


The event also saw the return of John Smallshaw, who missed the November 2013 show due to work commitments - it was great to have him back and he had a number of new pieces to share with us.

The poems read on the evening were from the following collections:

LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED (2004)

CRASHING BORES
CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND
DEATH ON AN EMPTY STOMACH
FAHRENHEIT 4:51
GRANNY ETHEL KEEPS THEM DECENT
LET SLEEPING DOGGERAL LIE
PLEASE KEEP THIS PARK TIDY
RECKLESSLY

These poems were split across both halves of the show and are a mixture of poems from this collection that I have read before like CRASHING BORES and GRANNY ETHEL and those like DOGGERAL and KEEP THIS PARK TIDY which I haven't...

MUGSHOTS (2005)

CATS SHOULD WEAR MUFFLERS
A CHANGE IN THE SEASONS (VERSE 1)
A CHANGE IN THE SEASONS (VERSE 2)

I don't think I've ever performed these - they're from the next collection that will be celebrating its 10th anniversary; probably in the autumn - a little ahead of time.

POEMS TO MAKE BEARS GROWL (2006)

WHY AGNES, YOU'RE LOVELY

I just stumbled upon this one whilst preparing for the show - it's a very daft piece but one I have fond memories of reading at one of my earlier shows. I decided to read it as the first poem of the evening...

RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR (2007)

ALL GOOD PIES MUST END
THE BLACK-EYED GROWL
DISCO YETI
IT
WE DON'T DANCE TO LOVESONGS
I WILL EAT PIES

I randomly selected this collection to read from as I hadn't read much from it in a while. They are all poems that I have performed in some form and which I enjoy reading.

CAVEMAN LOGIC (2009)

DOOR-TO-DOOR PSYCHOPATH
THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY

Another randomly selected collection - I've never performed the first piece, but enjoyed doing so. THE GREAT BOOKSHOP IN THE SKY is one of my favourite pieces - I like it's mix of silly and poignant...

A YETI WAY OF THINKING (2014-NEW)

THE ANSWER'S NO
AUGUSTUS THE TRUSTY GUIDANCE PIG
BORN WITHOUT A FUNNY BONE
LOVED FOR WHAT YOU'RE NOT
A HAPPY YETI HOWL
THE DREADED LURGY
AN IDIOT IN LOVE
IN PLACE OF A HEART

These poems are all new pieces from my next collection which I have been working on since autumn 2012 - AUGUSTUS, FUNNYBONE, HOWL and LURGY I have performed previously, whilst the others have all been written since my last show in November 2013... I spread these new poems across the two halves.

As I mentioned, my next show is Friday 18th July 2014 - but I am performing at another show with John Smallshaw and the fantabulous Wilfredo in June; but more about that soon. Thanks again to all who came along and to John for performing! It was great to have him back.

 

I'll be back again in a week or two - by which time it'll be early May and I hope to be talking about a number of new projects that are well on their way...

More soon - take care!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED...

IS OUT... AGAIN, AFTER ALMOST TEN YEARS!!

Hello beasties,

Today I have released a new edition of my 6th poetry collection. It was first published in 2004 - so this is the 10th anniversary, although originally it was published a little later in the year. My 6th, 7th and 8th collections all came out over a period of a year - so I wanted to stagger the re-releases a little.

LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED, published in 2004, was Paul’s sixth self-published collection and his fifth to include completely contemporary compositions. Even back then he was writing his daft yeti verse, but until now LOVESONGS has only been available alongside its sister volume THE AUTUMNAL E.P. (re-issued in autumn 2013), so this is the first time it has stood alone. This 10th anniversary edition contains photos and facts about the book and many of these poems Paul still regularly performs today, CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND, CUDDLE HIM, DANCEFLOOR SLAUGHTER, FLAUNT TRADITION, GRANNY ETHEL KEEPS THEM DECENT, JEALOUSY DID HIM NO GOOD, THE SMALL PRINT and WICKED SANTA, but many that he doesn’t! At least not yet… So, sit back and enjoy!!

Paperback: www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/lovesongs-for-the-bitter-and-twisted/paperback/product-21573107.html

Hardback: www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/lovesongs-for-the-bitter-and-twisted/hardcover/product-21578787.html

There's a piece from this collection at the end of this post called DEATH ON AN EMPTY STOMACH...

Tonight I have a gig, so I may not post until the following week after the Easter holiday.

More soon!

Yeti hugs.

Paul xx



DEATH ON AN EMPTY STOMACH…



Death on an empty stomach’s –

Not a recommended choice!

Not something bound to make me…

Jump around nor sing “Rejoice!!”

I reckon t’would be painful…

Empty tum – switched down on LOW!

Death on an empty stomach –

Don’t sound good to me, you know…


A gurgling of belly –

Might just throw the Reaper’s stroke….

He might slip and strike a Kitty –

Newly born and just awoke!

How’d you feel if you were blame-ed –

For such tragic feline end of days?

Simply ‘coz you’d missed your dinner…

That’s why a diet never pays!


Death on an empty stomach –

Well, it won’t amount to bliss!

If you find your standards slipping –

Well then – just consider this…

Don’t you reckon t’would be rotten…

To be requiring one last snack!

Yes, death on an empty stomach –

Leaves you open to attack!

 

A croaking in your belly –

Might just knock Death’s blow aside!

Which could set a nun on fire –

Causing cars to swerve – collide!

Make all clowns bereft of humour!

Moby Dick to sink and drown!

Leaves may fall from off the trees tops –

In mid-summer – shrivelled brown…


Death on an empty stomach –

Only leads to feeling “off”!

So, DO persevere with eating –

Please chow down and really scoff!

That way you’re gonna feel much better;

Having quit that pointless fast!

Death on an empty stomach!

Fill up now – your life has past…


A grumble in your belly –

Could well spoil the Reaper’s plans!

So tuck in without any conscience –

On the pies and beer and flans!

Death on a silent stomach –

Ensures that nothing will go wrong!

On the day you meet your maker…

When dear old Death she comes along!

 
 

This post is Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.