LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED...

IS OUT... AGAIN, AFTER ALMOST TEN YEARS!!

Hello beasties,

Today I have released a new edition of my 6th poetry collection. It was first published in 2004 - so this is the 10th anniversary, although originally it was published a little later in the year. My 6th, 7th and 8th collections all came out over a period of a year - so I wanted to stagger the re-releases a little.

LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED, published in 2004, was Paul’s sixth self-published collection and his fifth to include completely contemporary compositions. Even back then he was writing his daft yeti verse, but until now LOVESONGS has only been available alongside its sister volume THE AUTUMNAL E.P. (re-issued in autumn 2013), so this is the first time it has stood alone. This 10th anniversary edition contains photos and facts about the book and many of these poems Paul still regularly performs today, CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND, CUDDLE HIM, DANCEFLOOR SLAUGHTER, FLAUNT TRADITION, GRANNY ETHEL KEEPS THEM DECENT, JEALOUSY DID HIM NO GOOD, THE SMALL PRINT and WICKED SANTA, but many that he doesn’t! At least not yet… So, sit back and enjoy!!

Paperback: www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/lovesongs-for-the-bitter-and-twisted/paperback/product-21573107.html

Hardback: www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/lovesongs-for-the-bitter-and-twisted/hardcover/product-21578787.html

There's a piece from this collection at the end of this post called DEATH ON AN EMPTY STOMACH...

Tonight I have a gig, so I may not post until the following week after the Easter holiday.

More soon!

Yeti hugs.

Paul xx



DEATH ON AN EMPTY STOMACH…



Death on an empty stomach’s –

Not a recommended choice!

Not something bound to make me…

Jump around nor sing “Rejoice!!”

I reckon t’would be painful…

Empty tum – switched down on LOW!

Death on an empty stomach –

Don’t sound good to me, you know…


A gurgling of belly –

Might just throw the Reaper’s stroke….

He might slip and strike a Kitty –

Newly born and just awoke!

How’d you feel if you were blame-ed –

For such tragic feline end of days?

Simply ‘coz you’d missed your dinner…

That’s why a diet never pays!


Death on an empty stomach –

Well, it won’t amount to bliss!

If you find your standards slipping –

Well then – just consider this…

Don’t you reckon t’would be rotten…

To be requiring one last snack!

Yes, death on an empty stomach –

Leaves you open to attack!

 

A croaking in your belly –

Might just knock Death’s blow aside!

Which could set a nun on fire –

Causing cars to swerve – collide!

Make all clowns bereft of humour!

Moby Dick to sink and drown!

Leaves may fall from off the trees tops –

In mid-summer – shrivelled brown…


Death on an empty stomach –

Only leads to feeling “off”!

So, DO persevere with eating –

Please chow down and really scoff!

That way you’re gonna feel much better;

Having quit that pointless fast!

Death on an empty stomach!

Fill up now – your life has past…


A grumble in your belly –

Could well spoil the Reaper’s plans!

So tuck in without any conscience –

On the pies and beer and flans!

Death on a silent stomach –

Ensures that nothing will go wrong!

On the day you meet your maker…

When dear old Death she comes along!

 
 

This post is Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

HELLO AGAIN!!

SHY YETI - BACK FROM VENICE...

Hello beasties.

 

Yes! I'm back... I did say it would only be a couple of weeks, but it's been slightly longer!

 

This week I'll be talking to you about what I've been up to over the last couple of weeks, but first I should remind you quickly about a couple of things that are up and coming during April. The first of these things mainly involve my first Poetry Cafe Show of 2014 on Wednesday 16th April, at 19.30. I can confirm that we have, at least, one special guest and that there will also be space for open-mike readers if they speak to me beforehand. It's free to get in but we will be making a collection on the night for the RSPCA. The second up and coming thing that I want to mention is the 10th anniversary re-issue of my 6th poetry collection, LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED. It's not really due out until the summer - but now seems a good time to fit in a show to celebrate it. I'll write a lot more about these nearer the time.

 

That's probably all I want to say at the moment - but I thought it best to mention it whilst it's on my mind.

 

So... Venice... What did I get up to? Plenty, although I won't be writing a detailed travelogue on this occasion. I can confirm that I filmed a short film, including lots of sights and one poem - THE SMALL PRINT, which is from LOVESONGS. I also ate lots of great pizza, pasta and ice creams and worked on a number of the final poems for A YETI WAY OF THINKING over dinner. I had hoped for a bit more adventure - but my trip to the Lido didn't go too well and so I never got around to revisiting Murano or making that train trip to Padua. Not this time, at least...

 

...And here are a few photos; I hope you enjoy them!

 

Next time I'll either be sharing a new poem with you or talking about my poetry cafe show... Or both! Who knows!? Check back in a week or so...

 

More soon!

 

Paul xx

 

 All photos and content of this blog are copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

SHY YETI ON LOCATION... RETURNS?

MINI EPISODES TO BE RECORDED IN VENICE NEXT WEEK!

Hello beasties...

I'm back... Come on! You recognise me! It's only been just over a fortnight!!

This week I've got a new poem for you called, THE ANSWER'S NO... We'll return to that in a moment. I just thought I should update you with some of the things I've been up to and also mention that I'm about to go away - returning to Venice. As you will know, I wasn't too well last year during the summer months and since then I haven't really gotten back into the swing of things with my editing. My plan is to film some mini-episodes - or perhaps just single poems during my trip to Venice, which I will then prioritise editing so as to get me back into editing the longer projects. I'm hoping to get a better editing package soon anyway - the fact that I have to edit on a creaky old laptop hasn't really helped recently; not to mention various changes in technology.

I'll be reporting back from Venice, no doubt with photos, in a couple of weeks and hopefully will have something to post up shortly after that.

As well as this I'm hoping to complete the spoken word album that I began recording late in 2012 and am also aiming to draw a line under the next poetry book at the end of this month... I've been quite busy working on a number of final poems - some new ideas, not to mention some older ideas that I've returned to... I'm also proofing series 2 of BEAST OF FRIENDS and have written the first two scripts of series 3 - not to mention that I'm back to working on some Mouse Of Commons projects having had a year off Gladstone McWhiskers last year.

Before I go I just thought I'd remind you one last time about my most recently completed book.

NOT AS SHY AS I WAS contains over 70 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between January and September 2012. They include: THE BEAST OF FRIENDS, DRUNK ELK, ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, EVIL IVY, MINE OWN MINOTAUR, ONCE I LOST MY HEART TO A CORNISH PASTY, A YETI IN A HAT and many more… NOT AS SHY AS I WAS is 288 pages long and contains photos by Paul Chandler and artwork by Adam M Botsford, Paul Webster and Pete Katsiaounis.

Paperback: www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/not-as-shy-as-i-was/14135195 £9.99

Hardback: www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/not-as-shy-as-i-was/hardcover/product-21317217.html £15.99

As I'm quite busy with my writing projects, for the next couple of months until I start gigging again and going away more I'll probably aim to post every fortnight or so, unless there's more that I have to say...

My next post will probably be around the time I get back from Venice, either right at the end of that week or the week following...

Enjoy the new poem - more soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

 

THE ANSWER'S NO...

 

The answer's no...

No matter what you say!

That's as far as I go!

That's as far as I stray...

No matter how I'd adore –

Just to hold you much tighter...

You'd go bewitching my heart –

And I am just not a fighter!

Because I'd simply give in –

And that does no-one no favours...

Do I love you or loathe you?

My response often wavers...

The answer's no...

No matter what you think!

That's as far as I go...

Unless you'd like one more drink?

No matter how much I'd love –

To cavort with you naked...

There are lines to be drawn...

Yes - and some things are sacred!

I'm not strong around you –

I think we know that's a fact...

My foundations once firm –

Now-a-days are just cracked!

 

The answer's no...

No matter what you believe!

That's as far as I go...

But there is no need to grieve...

I can't help how I feel...

When I see your fine figure...

Ah, my knees just go weak...

And my desires grows bigger...

I mustn't simply succumb –

To your hypnotic patter...

I love you and your car –

Yes, especially the latter!

The answer's no...

No matter what you maintain...

That's as far as I go...

For what on earth would we gain?

A bad back I would guess –

Or some unreachable itch!

That would leave me upset –

And I don't wanna play snitch!

I need to wipe my life clean –

It's something I've gotta do!

Say farewell to bad habits –
Then say my goodbyes to you!

 

THE ANSWER'S NO... appears in Paul's next collection, out later in the year. The post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

ANOTHER NEW POEM

WHEN THE SINGER LOST HER SONG...

Hello beasties,

Just a short post this week, but I have another new but daft poem to share with you!

Next week, I hope I'll have a bit more to tell you about some of the new projects that I've been working on...

So more soon... Enjoy the new poem!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

WHEN THE SINGER LOST HER SONG...


When the singer lost her song –

Ah! She was just a little miffed...

No matter quite how hard she tried –

Even a murmur wouldn't shift...

She couldn't croak a bloomin' note –

She failed to meet the lowest grade...

Oh, there was no chance of a tune;

No... Let alone a serenade!

She really tried her very best –

She nearly turned her poor hair grey...

She stood there shaking on the stage –

Her fans just stared back in dismay!

When the singer lost her song –

She was so deeply mortified...

She stomped her dainty little feet –

Then swore aloud until she cried!

Of all the times and all the places...

To have lost her greatest skill!

Was there no way to get it back?

No health restoring magic pill!

What could she do or ever say?

The bitter truth; she lacked a voice!

Now that her song had sadly gone...

She couldn't very well rejoice!

 

When the singer lost her song –

She kept on searching high and low...

It wasn't tucked inside her shoes;

Lost in some murky undertow!

A fiery dragon hadn't chewed it -

It hadn't floated up to space!

Had she got drunk and maybe sold it?

This made her blush; oh, such disgrace!

She really hoped it might have called her –

To tell her where it might be trapped!

She sent a blood hound on the trail –

But no...

Soon her patience truly snapped...

 

When the singer lost her song –

She placed an ad there in the press...

In the hope it would return –

Would it succeed? She dare not guess!

Still, very soon there came a noise –

The sound of footsteps on the stairs...

Oh, what a very quick response –

She was taken quite, quite unawares!

T'was such a beautiful reunion...

Between the mistress and her song...

T'was the most joyous of occasions –

But there was still something slightly wrong...

 

Although her voice returned to her...

Now with a song to call her own!

She is no longer a soprano...

But more a bass or baritone!

All Contents of this Post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2014. WHEN THE SINGER LOST HER SONG appears in A YETI WAY OF THINKING, to be published later this year.

A VERY YETI VALENTINE...

SHY YETI'S LOVE POTION...

 

Hello beasties!

 

This week we're focusing on Valentine's Day... I've written quite a few Valentine's poems over the years - although not all of them have appeared on the blog. I'm going to share some of the ones that I have posted here however, not to mention that I'm about to remind you about my Shy Yeti Valentine's Day Special. It's a few years old now and it would have been nice to have filmed a newer episode - but you may well not have seen it. Here is the information and the links:

 

SHY YETI'S VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL...

 

This is the 5th episode of SHY YETI ON LOCATION and it has a valentines theme; although not all the poems here are all hearts and flowers - for do please remember that Valentine's Day isn't a happy occasion for everyone! In this episode Paul reads 4 poems: BLUE EYED LOVER, HOPELESS ROMANTIC, WHY AGNES - YOU'RE LOVELY and A LEARNING EXPERIENCE - he also adopts a cup-cake, is interviewed about a poem and buys flowers for the person he most loves in all the world... This video was first posted in February 2010.

 

Youtube: http://youtu.be/FhR_PljZay8

 

Vimeo: http://vimeo.com/9347050

 

Next up here are some of the other valentine's related things that I've been up to over the years:

 

One year ago I was discussing my latest book...

 

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_02_10_archive.html

 

Back in 2012 I was recording a Valentine's Day radio show...

 

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2012_02_12_archive.html

 

Four years ago I was performing at the MEDICINE MOUTH - LOVED UP show which was my first paid gig.

 

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2010_02_07_archive.html

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2010_02_14_archive.html

 

Six Years ago now I posted my favourite self-written Valentine's poems, THE UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE.

 

http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2008_02_10_archive.html

 

Before we go I am pleased to be able to unveil one of two new Valentine's themed poems that I have written this week, IN PLACE OF A HEART... The second piece, IDIOT IN LOVE I'll be saving for my A YETI WAY OF THINKING poem... I hope you enjoy the new piece!

 

Over the next week or so, I'll be looking ahead to some up and coming projects - my first overseas trip of 2014 and the recording of my third album; not to mention sharing more new poems.

 

More soon!

 

Yeti hugs,

 

Paul xx

 



IN PLACE OF A HEART…

 

Are you game for a laugh?

It’s so easy to mock…

When in place of a heart –

Simply lies there, a rock…

When you cannot feel love –

And you cannot feel pain –

With no hope of reprieve…

Your good looks on the wane!

You don’t need empathy –

If you’re not integrating –

Standing stony and silent…

Like some statue, just waiting.

But you’re still left in doubt –

When you see couples kissing…

For when your heart’s made of rock –

There’s so much there you are missing!

 

When you’re playing it cool –

It is hard to be nice…

When in place of a heart –

Sits a sliver of ice…

When you live on the edge –

When you’ve nothing to fear…

When you dare not applaud –

Let alone shed a tear…

You have no sympathy –

You will watch me sit, fretting…

Thinking just of yourself –

Who cares who you're upsetting!

But you are making me melt –

You’ve reduced me to slush –

But as your heart’s made of ice –

It’s an unfortunate crush…

 

So if cupid he calls –

It’s just better to pass…

When in place of a heart –

You’ve a nugget of glass…

When you’ve no Valentine –

And you know you can’t win…

Ignore their withering looks –

And take it all on the chin…

You’re a nobody now –

Don’t pretend you’re just shy!

When you’re hollow inside –

Bid the world a goodbye…

For your body’s grown cold –

You’ve lost all warmth and heating…

But a heart made of glass –

Pretty soon will stop beating!

IN PLACE OF A HEART appears in my 2014 collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING due out in the autumn. This post is Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

LOOKING FORWARD / LOOKING BACK...

SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW...

Hello beasties!

This week I'm looking both forward and back a little... Firstly I'm going to tell you about a few of my favourite pieces from my next collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING not to mention including some links from previous blog posts of pieces that are from this book.

I'll be ending this week's post with something from my most recently published book - NOT AS SHY AS I WAS... but let's look forward first!

A YETI WAY OF THINKING

Some of my favourite poems from this book I have already posted on the blog... I began writing the collection back in September 2012 - so it's been evolving slowly over the last eighteen months.

Poems from the collection...

ZOMBIE TAXI-DRIVER
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_10_27_archive.html

YOU'LL DO
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_10_20_archive.html

THE DREADED LURGY
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_09_15_archive.html

THE BALLAD OF BURT AND GRIS
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_09_01_archive.html

MYSTERY HEN
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_08_11_archive.html

PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_04_14_archive.html

AUGUSTUS THE TRUSTY GUIDANCE PIG
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_02_24_archive.html

A YETI WAY OF THINKING
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_01_13_archive.html

ARE THEY AWARE I'M A WEREWOLF?
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2012_10_28_archive.html

A number of stories...

A PERFECT CASE FOR CHARITY
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2014_01_26_archive.html

IN MEMORY OF
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2014_01_19_archive.html

TINSEL
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_12_22_archive.html

RUNNING ON EMPTY
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_07_07_archive.html

A CULT FOLLOWING
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_05_05_archive.html

A HARMLESS PRANK
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_04_28_archive.html

HIS CHRISTMAS CARDS
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2012_12_23_archive.html

THE MORNING AFTER HALLOWEEN
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2012_10_28_archive.html

Whilst I'm here I'd like to enthuse, for the last time in a while. about my latest collection, NOT AS SHY AS I WAS - as published back in November. I'm including one of the dafter poems, WIGS AND CO, at the end of this post - but firstly here is my last plug for the book, as follows:

NOT AS SHY AS I WAS contains over 70 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between January and September 2012. They include: THE BEAST OF FRIENDS, DRUNK ELK, ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, EVIL IVY, MINE OWN MINOTAUR, ONCE I LOST MY HEART TO A CORNISH PASTY, A YETI IN A HAT and many more… NOT AS SHY AS I WAS is 288 pages long and contains photos by Paul Chandler and artwork by Adam M Botsford, Paul Webster and Pete Katsiaounis.

Paperback: www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/not-as-shy-as-i-was/14135195 £9.99

Hardback: www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/not-as-shy-as-i-was/hardcover/product-21317217.html £15.99

Next week, I'll be continuing my wonder down memory lane - before we head to the future for the rest of this month's post, but I won't say any more about that for a week or two.

More soon!

Paul xx

WIGS AND CO…

Wigs and co –

Look splendid…

If you've got the type of head…

That needs some extra glamour –

Or a little extra cred…

Wigs can do a bit for baldies –

When it's is cold outside at night!

Wigs can do a lot for shorties –

Should they need some extra height!

Wigs can save your sorry life;

Should you be eaten by a snake…

You'll be coughed up as a fur-ball;

T'was just some slippery mistake!

A wig looks good upon your goldfish –

A wig looks good inside a net…

A wig can be a work of art –

And it can make a faithful pet!

 

Wigs and co –

Look super…

If you've got a lack of hair…

If we're distracted by your bonce –

If we be blinded by the glare!

Wigs can keep your tootsies warm…

Yes, they can muffle out the chill!

Wigs are really cynic-proof –

And they can fill you full of thrill!

Wigs can keep your homestead clean!

Yes, they are rarely known to rust...

You can sweep away the grime –

And keep your loved ones free of dust!

A wig looks fab upon your noggin...

A wig looks grand and never weird!

A wig looks great upon your chin...

When it's mistaken for a beard!

 

Wigs and co –

Look gorgeous …

If you're shiny up on top!

Or should wish to be a dandy...

Or some preening type of fop!

Wigs can hide your lunch from strangers;

They can shelter baby bears!

Wigs look good on mad professors –

Who have lost their bouffant hairs!

Wigs can wow the crowds at parties...

With their anecdotes and wit!

You can take them out on walks...

And they may beg, play dead or sit!

A wig looks hot with lots of tinsel…

A wig looks cool in candle-light...

A wig looks really rather tasty;

But I really wouldn’t take a bite!?!

 

Wigs and co –

Look awesome...

We all need a bit of glam!

But there are some who find them fake...

And claim toupees as such a sham!

Wigs can make the whole world grin;

Yes, they can entertain the troops!

Wigs are very keen to please and…

For applause will jump through hoops!

Wigs can make a cow look chic…

Can be the making of a piggy!

They can cure the common cold;

By simply being very wiggy!

A wig looks good when you’re asleep!

A wig looks fine when you are running!

A wig can be your new best friend...

You are in style!

My dear… You’re stunning!

PS Here are links to a poem and a story which are also in NOT AS SHY AS I WAS.

A poem:

WE'RE ALL JUST BRAINS
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_11_24_archive.html

A story:

COMING UNRAVELLED
http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_10_13_archive.html



This post is Copyright Paul Chandler 2014. Thanks to Toby W for the use of the above photo.

ANOTHER NEW STORY FOR 2014...

YETI EXCLUSIVE, "A PERFECT CASE FOR CHARITY..."

Hello beasties!

Just a short post this week, but I do have another new story for you...

Before I move on to the story I have a few titles of poems that I've been working on for the new collection, although goodness knows which ones will be completed in time to go into the book.

Poem titles include:

INCORRIGABLY ENCOURAGABLE
FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH
ALIEN TO ME
EVERYDAY IS A TIME OF YOUR LIFE
LOVED FOR WHAT YOU'RE NOT
GLAM-ROCK VAMPIRE, 1974
TOO TIRED FOR AN AFFAIR
BEACH-COMBER
THE ANSWER'S NO
THE BEST MAN IS NOT ALWAYS THE GROOM
I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL
AM I STILL A VEGETARIAN IF I ONLY EAT VEGANS
THE BOY WHO CRIED PWOAR
EGG FRIED MICE
WE'RE NOT GETTING ON (NO MORE)
EVEN ANGELS POO
I WOKE UP SMILING
BAD TORO
SONGS TO MAKE MUM'S DANCE
THE GORGEOUS DEAD
DIFFERENT TYPES OF DINOSAUR
KISSER FISH
OLD HAUNTS
THEY FOUND OUR YETI
THIS VALENTINE'S DAY
THE UNHAPPY HEART
A WALRUS, NOT A VAMPIRE
KNUCKLEHEAD, NUMBSKULL...
GAME PLAN

WHEN THE SINGER LOST HER SONG

...and many, many, more...

Lastly, before we move on to that may I just remind you that my new book, NOT AS SHY AS I WAS, is out and available to purchase. I'll share some more pieces from that in a week or so...

NOT AS SHY AS I WAS contains over 70 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between January and September 2012. They include: THE BEAST OF FRIENDS, DRUNK ELK, ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, EVIL IVY, MINE OWN MINOTAUR, ONCE I LOST MY HEART TO A CORNISH PASTY, A YETI IN A HAT and many more… NOT AS SHY AS I WAS is 288 pages long and contains photos by Paul Chandler and artwork by Adam M Botsford, Paul Webster and Pete Katsiaounis.

Paperback: www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/not-as-shy-as-i-was/14135195 £9.99

Hardback: www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/not-as-shy-as-i-was/hardcover/product-21317217.html £15.99

Next week I'll be looking at some of the pieces that are already written for the new collection and then looking back at a piece from my new NOT AS SHY AS I WAS collection...

More soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

A PERFECT CASE FOR CHARITY


Kastra and her husband were very well off. They liked people to know it too and lived in a large house in Surrey.

Their motto was not to give away any of their wealth - to keep it, invest it - but most definitely not to give it away to charity.

The young couple on her doorstep now were asking for exactly that. They had only just that minute arrived, wrapped up in their winter wear; thick coats, scarves and gloves. They didn't look like locals. Why did such people choose the coldest day of the year to turn up? Kastra was cross with herself for even opening the door - for letting the heat escape. She should have ignored them, but she'd thought she had heard a noise on the drive; a car engine - but when she'd looked there had been no car.

"Donations for charity, maam..." enquired the gent, holding out a leaflet which Kastra resolutely ignored. "Donations for charity, Madame..." the man insisted.

"It's all for a good cause!" added the lady, but that was all she had to add for now, presumably the details were in the flier that she was being offered.

"No, thank you... We don't donate!" Kastra replied sternly, if she and her husband had actually owned dogs then she would most definitely have set the hounds on this scruffy looking pair. Kastra didn't like the look of them at all, but couldn't quite pin-point why. "I'm sorry..." she added. "We did have a few bits and pieces but we gave them to the local scout group for their autumn fayre only a couple of weeks ago... There's really nothing left!"

"Are you sure?" The two said in unison, they didn't look at all convinced; how dare they?

"Quite sure!" Kastra snapped, trying not to appear as furious as she felt. Who were these two to judge? She watched them peering past her in through the front door - admiring the antiques in the hallway. These items were worth little, but they should see the rest of the house; it was full of valuable things... Not that it was any of their business - not that she planned on showing them the contents of the house.

"We're sorry to have bothered you..." replied the man. "Very sorry indeed..."

The woman, however, said nothing, Kastra noted. How rude not to echo her companion's apology, but she said nothing.

Nothing... The woman *said* not a word, however she did seem to be making a noise...

She appeared to be purring.

It was only now that Kastra peered closer that she realised what it was that had disturbed her when they'd first been introduced. She'd mistaken their clothes as coats and hats and scarves but now she saw them properly for what they were.

Fur. For they were cats. Human cats - and the noise that came from the lady was purring...

Kastra raised her hand to her forehead. She was feeling dizzy. It was as if... The purring noise was really quite hypnotic.

"Donations for charity, maam..." mewed the gent, holding out his paw to steady her.

"It's all for a good cause..." added the feline female, taking a breath from purring to speak.

Kastra nodded. "Errr... Yes... Yes, of course..." she corrected herself. "We have plenty of junk that we probably don't need... When I say junk it's good condition - it's just cluttering up our home..."

"My! How wonderful!" beamed the man. "This is Suki, my name is Tiddles..."

"Delightful!" enthused Kastra, much against her better nature. "Come and take a look inside. Do you need help? I can always get my car out..."

"I'm surrrrrre that won't be necessary...Will it Tiddles?" replied Suki as they stepped indoors.

"No, no... We can manage..." beamed her companion. "There should be plenty of nice things here... Yes, indeed, this will be just purrrrrrrfect... Puuuurrrrrrfect! Really purrrrrrfect!"

Kastra nodded, she felt half asleep, but ever the hostess her natural good breeding kicked in. "Anyone for tea?" she enquired.

Suki was busy examining a stray Gainsborough, but Tiddles heard. "Tea... Of course... That would be splendid... Do run along and see to it, won't you?"

"Excellent..." Kastra nodded and even though deep down she knew things were far from normal she echoed Tiddles' words, muttering them to herself as she hurried off towards the kitchen. "Perfect...Perfect... Really perfect..."

...And she sincerely hoped that they'd soon find something "perfect" for their charity collection...

This post and all content are Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.