A NEW POEM FOR CHRISTMAS 2010...

Happy Christmas to you all!

This won't be a very long post as I intend to do my review of the year once Christmas dinner has worn off; but I will just say that final proofing on the new book YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS is over half-way complete and I expect the book to be ready by late January, early February. You can also hear me read a number of the new poems if you take a peek at my Youtube profile MRSHYYETI where I have just posted the first episode of a new 3 (maybe 4!) part SHY YETI ON LOCATION series: A YETI BACK IN HOLLYWOOD, which I filmed earlier this month. The new book also contains last year's Christmas poems BLACKMAILING SANTA and CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS - but you can also read them on here:

BLACKMAILING SANTA
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2009_12_13_archive.html

CHRISTMASTIME FOR SKELETONS (plus REVIEW OF 2009)
http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2009_12_20_archive.html

Your Christmas poem this year doesn't come from that collection, but in fact for the one after that which I can reveal is probably going to be called either VAMPIRE COWS SONGS or THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE AND OTHER POEMS... I have 14 poems already written for that collection, including one that I unearthed from 1989 - however I doubt the book will be ready until late 2011 as I have YETI HUGS to launch first. I'm pretty pleased with the new book - not just because of the poems - but also because it contains 9 short horror stories which I really enjoyed writing this year.

Anyway - this festive poem is called SANTAS DON'T TEXT - it was originally called AN INVASION OF SANTAS and is based on something that I saw at London Bridge Station on Sunday 19th December 2010. It's a little bit silly; but I hope you enjoy it. As mentioned I should be returning with my review of the year in the next few days; by which time the 2nd episode of the new SHY YETI ON LOCATION video might be up and ready.

Thanks to everyone for their support this year - bestest furriest Christmas wishes to you all!

Yeti hugs,
Paul xxx

SANTAS DON’T TEXT…


Today I saw what can only be described as “an invasion of Santas…”
There must have been, at least, 20 of them…
I was at London Bridge Station when I first saw them –
They came off the tube carriage in front of me down in the Underground;
Looking a little drunk if truth be told!
It was only a week before Christmas too and it did make me wonder –
How on earth they’d find the time to go out for a tipple at such a busy time of year…
They were still just ahead of me as we rode the escalator –
People were taking photos and calling out silly comments;
“Where's your sleigh, boys? You lost it?”
“Rudolph got stuck in a snow drift, lads?”
“Hey fellas! Show us your jingle bells…”
Personally, I didn't have the patience for photos or witticisms;
I was still trying to work out which one of them was actually Santa…
I presumed he was amongst them somewhere - but I couldn't see him.
Hopefully he knew what he was doing - letting them all go out like that;
Hopefully he'd keep an eye on them and not let stuff get out of hand!
I was puzzled as to whether the others were just his younger brothers or some such…
Because I’d never actually heard that Santa had a brother - let alone so many of them!
It was kind of sweet; they looked almost identical with those big white beards…
Although when we reached the ticket barriers I looked really closely –
And it was only at this stage that I began to notice something…
Forgive me if this sounds silly, but their beards looked kind of – stuck on…
And underneath those beards they all looked so young - almost like students.
The point when I really lost faith was when I saw that one of them had a nose ring –
Not just that but a mermaid tattoo; and he was texting – I mean, Santas don’t text!
I also noticed that some of them were wearing jeans under their baggy red trousers –
Well, what can I say; after that I really found it hard to believe in them…
I just hope they don't mess up on the big day –
Or else a lot of small children are going to be VERY disappointed...

SANTAS DON'T TEXT is Copyright Paul Chandler 2010. His new book YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS a collection of poetry, prose and short stories is due out from Beeches Books via www.lulu.com in February 2011.

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS?

POETRY CAFÉ, COVENT GARDEN,
MONDAY 22ND NOVEMBER 2010

I am glad to announce my gig at The Poetry Café this week went extremely well - despite Monday evenings not necessarily being the best night of the week for a lot of people. Those who showed up were greeted by the dubious sight of me in an inflatable Bride Of Frankenstein wig and in the second half a rain mac and panda shower cap - it was my way of saying that NO, yeti do not wear pyjamas - but they do sometimes wear this. There should be photos of both costumes elsewhere in this post.

I'd like to thank Dan for filming and taking photos at the events - also to Calum, Harry, Lorraine, Maggie, Jay and Baz for attending; as well as a number of other café visitors who sat in to watch towards the end. I read 18 pieces in the first half and 20 in the second; many of them I had not performed live before and I was especially pleased with the audience's reaction to A LITTLE MOUSE as I had only completed the week before. 19 of the 38 poems read were videoed by Dan.

Of course one element that I have yet to mention is that for the first time this gig was all for charity - something which I think I'd definitely like to keep doing in the future. Thank you to my dad, Michael Chandler, for sponsoring the night (ie: paying the loan of the venue!) and to those who attended for their donations. By the end of the night we had made over £50 for MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT which, I am sure you will agree, is a very good cause.

Please note: Poems with an asterisk were recorded by Dan for future Youtube videos.

FIRST HALF

I SHOULD NEVER *
MY DOG IN A DRESS *
READY - TEDDY - GO!!!
LITTLE PIG
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE *
THE TRUE LIGHT
DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? *
I LOVE YOU LESS *
WE'RE GOING TO CLONE YOU!! *
ASK NICELY *
THE CROCODILE *
THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA *
BREAKING UP IS HARDER (WHEN NEITHER LOVE WANTS TO PART) *
I NEVER SAY NO TO PIE
YOU ARE THE NIGHTMARE THAT KEEPS OTHER NIGHTMARES AWAKE *
THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON *
THEY WARNED ME ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU *
SHE NEVER HAD ANY LUCK… *

SECOND HALF

THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR
PARTY GIRL
I'VE BEEN TO A MARVELLOUS PARTY (NOEL COWARD)
WE AIN'T GOT TIME *
POLITELY ENRAGED *
BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD *
WE WERE GOING TO BE WED (WHEN WE BOTH HIT 40!!)
BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE
A FLEA TEA PARTY
I KNOW HIM…
JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU
MY AMERICAN HUNK
WAITING FOR GHOSTS
WORK IS RUBBISH
YOU, ME AND THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS *
FIRST SNOG *
THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE
A LITTLE MOUSE
LAS VEGAS LIPS
I WILL EAT PIES

THE SHOW IN A LITTLE MORE DETAIL

FIRST HALF

I SHOULD NEVER *
MY DOG IN A DRESS *
READY - TEDDY - GO!!!
LITTLE PIG
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE *
THE TRUE LIGHT
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

The first six poems were written over a 10 year period and were included in various books - but were gathered together in 2009 for my SHY YETI RULES OK collection; which basically contains most of the poems that I regularly perform live at open-mike, at shows or on my Youtube or Vimeo videos. I haven't read I SHOULD NEVER very often; MY DOG IN A DRESS often gets read because it's one that my friend Dr Neph likes. READY-TEDDY-GO!!! I read because my friend Maggie was in the audience and she was there when I wrote that one. LITTLE PIG is one of my favourites and the final two are usually ones that I either read early on in the night or right at the end as they are amongst my most requested pieces.

DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? *
I LOVE YOU LESS *
WE'RE GOING TO CLONE YOU!! *
ASK NICELY *
THE CROCODILE *
THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA *
From DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? (2010)

Six poems from my 2010 collection, DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? The title poem I felt I should read as it was the poem that both my latest book and the night itself was named after. The next 3 poems I have all recorded for various SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos during the year - whilst THE CROCODILE is work-inspired and one of my work colleagues was in the audience - whilst THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA I read at open-mike at The Poetry Café back in the Spring on the night that David Cameron became Prime Minister; although it was actually inspired by a visit to my work by Gordon Brown the previous autumn.

BREAKING UP IS HARDER (WHEN NEITHER LOVE WANTS TO PART) *
I NEVER SAY NO TO PIE
YOU ARE THE NIGHTMARE THAT KEEPS OTHER NIGHTMARES AWAKE *
THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON *
THEY WARNED ME ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU *
From SHY YETI'S INCREDIBLE PIE-CRUST COLLECTION (2008)

These are some random poems selected from my 2008 collection which I haven't read live before; although THEY WARNED ME ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU has its own Vimeo video. In addition to this I offered the audience the chance for me to read THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON, YOU ARE THE NIGHTMARE... and MISTER BEE. YOU ARE THE NIGHTMARE... was selected, but then Maggie from the audience "pleaded" with me to read THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON, so I did both!!

SHE NEVER HAD ANY LUCK… *
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

One of my earlier pieces from 2001, which I've not read very often and thought might be a good one to finish the first half with; although it is rather sad. I had also intended to read DON'T SNOG BEES, YOU CRAMP MY STYLE and RECKLESSLY during the first half, but ran out of time.

Dan also recorded a couple of short interviews with me during the break - one on the sofa where I had to sign a book and then later when I was dressed in my "rain mac" costume.

SECOND HALF

THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR
PARTY GIRL
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

Another two poems that appear in the SHY YETI RULES OK compilation. THE SORRY TALE OF FRED THE DINOSAUR is one of my earliest poems from 1992 and although it sounds a little creaky compared to some of my later work I do have a soft spot for it and it's one of the few that I still read from that period. It also has its own Vimeo video. PARTY GIRL is a little more recent and is one that I've intended to read at a gig for a while.

I'VE BEEN TO A MARVELLOUS PARTY
NOEL COWARD (1938)

The only cover version that I have ever done at one of my shows. This is by Noel Coward, of course and I decided to read it after receiving a book of humorous poems for my 37th birthday in November 2010, from my friend Glyn Green - who was unable to attend the event on the day. However it made me realise that a number of my own poems are probably inspired by the style of Coward, even though I wasn't completely familiar with this one. I do hope I did it justice - reading it in my best Noel Coward voice!

It was also read as an introduction to a number of poems that I have written over the years that are quite Cowardesque.

WE AIN'T GOT TIME *
From THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE & OTHER POEMS (As yet unpublished, 2011)

The first of my sequence of poems that could be said to unconsciously inspired by Noel Coward. This is a very new one; I had only finished it a few days before I read it, along with A LITTLE MOUSE which I read towards the end of the evening.

POLITELY ENRAGED *
BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD *
WE WERE GOING TO BE WED (WHEN WE BOTH HIT 40!!)
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

These three were all compiled in the SHY YETI RULES OK book and also fit well with the Noel Coward-esque feel of this part of the show. The first is a very polite angry poem, the second is a rather catty, vaguely witty piece about a failed relationship and the final poem is about a failed promise and contains one of my favourite final verses of any of my poems.

BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE
A FLEA TEA PARTY
I KNOW HIM…
JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU
MY AMERICAN HUNK
WAITING FOR GHOSTS
WORK IS RUBBISH
YOU, ME AND THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS *
FIRST SNOG *
From YETI HUGS & OTHER HORRORS (2011)

Nine poems from my next collection, due out in January. BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE I read during my aborted SHY YETI ON LOCATION video from Venice and A FLEA TEA PARTY appears in my summer 2010 SHY YETI episode. I KNOW HIM is a pretty late addition to that book, JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU appeared in my SHY YETI IN HOLLYWOOD video and YOU ME AND THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS I read during open-mike in L.A.; which appears in my COBALT CAFÉ video. MY AMERICAN HUNK, WAITING FOR GHOSTS and WORK IS RUBBISH are all pieces from the new book that hadn't previously been performed; as with FIRST SNOG which is part of the HOLLYWEIRD segment of the new collection.

THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE
A LITTLE MOUSE
From THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE & OTHER POEMS (As yet unpublished, 2011)

Two very new pieces - that are due to appear in the book after next - which means they certainly won't appear until late 2011 or early 2012. The next book was due to be called something else (I can't tell you what as it may eventually end up as the title of my 2012/2013 collection…), but in the end I decided that THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE & OTHER POEMS was too good a title not to use! A LITTLE MOUSE was only finished a week before the actual gig and I am rather pleased by how well it came together after a bit of a slow start. WE AIN'T GOT TIME, which I read during the Noel Coward section is also from this collection.

LAS VEGAS LIPS
I WILL EAT PIES
From SHY YETI RULES OK (2009)

These two were also compiled in the SHY YETI RULES OK book - the first I read as I am due to return to Las Vegas in the very near future (having visited previously in 2000 and 2003) and the second - well, that's a piece that is inspired by the song "I Will Survive" which I always read as my final piece of the night.

I was going to read the poem RESPECTABLE TEXTS, but ran out of time to do so. I also had a lot more set aside as back up - these included: CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND, OH FLORENCE!!!, THE BIRTHDAY THAT NEVER WAS…, CUPCAKE, FILMSTAR, THE KING OF RHYME, CHILLI PEPPER FINGERS, ENGLAND LOVES YOU…, THE PARENTS TURN AGAINST THE CHILDREN, PICCADILLY CIRCUS, CATFOOD IN YOUR EYEBROWS, JUST HOW SLUTTY ARE LIBRARY BOOKS?, YOUR APRIL FOOL, YOU DON'T EXIST, DO SHEEP MIGRATE?, BEING COY, MY MOMENT IS NOW!!!, OTHERWISE ENGAGED, DJ DARLING, EXIT PURSUED BY A YETI, I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR GROUPIE, RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR, DISCO YETI, I WANT YOU NOW (NO I DON'T!), THE SOLEMN SALAMANDER, THE BALLAD OF TINY ELVIS, CAT THIEF, SO MUCH LOVE - SO LITTLE TIME, BAD STUFF I WISH WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU, NO-ONE EVER FELT COOL BUYING AN MP3 FILE, YOU TRULY WERE THE HANDSOMEST, SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA, YETI SPAGHETTI and THE UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE. Some or all of which should probably get a shot when I do my next gig in the Spring of 2010. Watch this space…

I have completed work on a live video to post on Youtube as of today which includes the poems: I SHOULD NEVER, THE CROCODILE, THE DAY THE PRIME MINISTER CAME TO TEA and I NEVER SAY NO TO PIE all of which have never been available to view online. I intend to post a second video sometime between now and Christmas - not to mention a couple more SHY YETI ON LOCATION episodes! It's all go.

SHY YETI LIVE - 22/11/2010 - PART 1 is available at the following links:

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaNuvQi6gjE

Vimeo: http://www.vimeo.com/17170181

Thanks once again to everyone who came along - I intend to post one or two new poems from the next book; as well as something Christmassy sometime in the next few weeks.

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

MY 150TH POST: INTRODUCING "YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS..."

Hello and welcome!!

This post is particularly important for two reasons; firstly it reveals what I hope is the final title and the cover (of the paperback version) of my next collection and secondly because it is the 150th post on this blog since I began it in 2002. Originally the new book was to have been called THE DEATH OF LOVE; I mentioned it a number of times on here and it is referred to as so in the first edition of A SOUPCON OF SHY YETI. There is even a poem called THE DEATH OF LOVE included. Who knows - maybe I'll come back to that one, but it just didn't seem to fit this collection and so I re-christened it LOVE FUZZ AND YETI HUGS. You can see one of the early cover proofs below...

In the end I decided that, although I liked the front cover picture I did look a little sweaty (well, I was in California in August!!), but that also LOVE FUZZ AND YETI HUGS also sounded a little too jolly for a book that contained 9 short horror stories. However each of the different sections will have a title of their own. One of the other titles that I considered was SHY YETI'S BUMPER BOOK OF HUGS AND HORRORS - which was simply far too long, but from that I ended up with YETI HUGS AND OTHER HORRORS. I was keen to keep YETI HUGS in the title as it's how I've signed off a lot of my posts over the years on this blog and in my books - not to mention something I tend to use when I'm asked for the very occasional autograph. (It does happen, believe it or not and I'm always very flattered to do so!)

This cover was the first cover that I tried with this title - still using photos that were taken on my Californian trip - however, looking at it I decided that it was probably a little too bright and summery.

This one I quite liked and it saw the introduction of the skull photo that ended up on the back of the final cover; another California photo. But in the end I decided to go back to the previous font and use one of my favourite photos from this summer; taken by myself on a walk on a rainy August afternoon near Winchester.

I intend to post the titles of the poems and short stories in the new book and maybe one of the new poems over the next couple of months! Anyway - I hope you like the new title and the cover (at least the one that I'm using *THIS* week!) The book is still in the proofreading stages - and I don't really think that December is a very good month to launch it, so I guess it will be out sometime in mid-January. I may also do a small book launch sometime around then too. The rest of the year is going to be pretty busy what with a couple of big trips still on the cards - trips that should feature in forthcoming SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos. Speaking of which SHY YETI VERSUS AUTUMN is still being edited and I am determined to get in finished next month before it becomes officially Winter. (When *is* that?)

To finish with - and to celebrate the 150th anniversary I'm going to select 5 random posts for you peruse and explain their importance as far as they relate to the blog; they're in date order rather than any other order! Also I thought I'd share with you the title of a poem I've been working on this week - which is not quite finished, but will probably be the first poem for my NEXT collection. The poem is called THE VAMPIRE COWS OF SCUNTHORPE. Yup. Okay... I'm going now!

Those random five posts follow - check them out if you are so inclined - two or three of them feature a poem! If not I'll return soon, when I may have more information about the SHY YETI ON LOCATION video that I intend to film during my November birthday vacation and my charity gig at The Poetry Cafe on Monday 22nd November!

SHY YETI'S 5 RANDOM BLOG POSTS:

MAY 2002

http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2002_04_28_archive.html

The blog was pretty basic at this stage and I was almost writing it as a fictional diary at this stage. The first post includes one of my favourites: HERBAL TEABAGS.

OCTOBER 2005

http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2005_10_09_archive.html

My first blog post with photos! It made a lot of difference to blogging to be able to make it more interesting to read and to be able to show off photos of book covers or gigs. This contains the poem: I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE 18, AGAIN from POEMS TO MAKE BEARS GROWL.

AUGUST 2006

http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2006_08_06_archive.html

Lulu.com starts to have an effect on my back-catalogue as I begin to take photos for re-released versions of the early books.

FEBRUARY 2008

http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2008_02_10_archive.html

This is the kind of thing I love doing - writing a poem one day and having it up on the blog within about 24 hours! The ultimate in being able to get an immediate reaction to something you've written and I still do it to this day. The poem here is THE UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE.

NOVEMBER 2008

http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.com/2008_11_23_archive.html

A very busy month indeed - book launches, reading on the radio - off to Oslo... Also a poem: TOO SLUSHY FOR SNOWMEN, which is also one of the first poems that I read for a SHY YETI ON LOCATION video.

I rather enjoyed that! lol

Yeti hugs, Paul xx

P.S. You may be wondering who this cute little fellow is - well, he appears in my next book! Thank you to Sercan for letting me use him and another of his character. Sercan and I are currently discussing the possibility of him illustrating a revised 10th Anniversary version of MOUSE OF COMMONS - MOUSE OF LORDS, the first Mouse of Commons novel... So, watch this space!!

SHY YETI GOES TO HOLLYWOOD!!!

Hi,

Just to let you know that the new SHY YETI ON LOCATION video is up. It is called SHY YETI GOES TO HOLLYWOOD and the links to both the Youtube and Vimeo versions of the show are below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07Ay2pMvE4k

http://vimeo.com/14843474

This time on SHY YETI ON LOCATION Paul heads in search of glamour and ends up in Hollywood where this time he finds himself a side-kick! This video was recorded in August 2010 during a week-long visit to the city and amongst the daft sketches and yeti dances you will find three poems and the like from Mr Chandler. These include new poem: JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU, an older piece called ANYTHING FOR HER ART and a more recent poem called KISS ME QUICK as performed at The Cobalt Cafe. Thanks to Dominic M for his acting skills and camerawork and also to Patrick and Julia for their help and for loaning Todd for his appearance in this show. The Shy Yeti Theme is by my friend, Luca.


I hope you enjoy it. I am indeed intending to do another 3 or 4 episodes before the end of the year. An autumn episode sometime during October and featuring a mystery guest - a couple of episodes from foreign locations - 1 in November and 1 in December and then maybe if there is time a Christmas episode. That said I really must spend some time editing the back log of Sutton Park episodes and start putting the next book of poetry and prose into some sort of shape. In addition to that the Mouse of Commons is also calling me for attention!

Before I depart I should also add that my next post is my 150th - so I'd like to find some cool way of celebrating that fact too; we shall see! :)

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

SHY YETI GOES TO L.A. - VIDEO ALREADY UP - MORE TO FOLLOW...

Hi,

It suddenly occurred to me that I've not updated you all on my trip to L.A. I am currently working on a new episode of SHY YETI ON LOCATION (which may or may not end up as a double length episode, as I took so much footage...) However to keep you going there is already a new video up of me performing three poems at an open-mike night in L.A., at The Cobalt Cafe, which I actually put up whilst I was still away. This can be watched on youtube at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he0CQVgN_RE or at Vimeo on my SHYYETI channel.

The new SHY YETI video from Hollywood includes a number of sketches - but also three poems and will hopefully go up in a week or two.

Whether or not I will get all these filmed, but at the moment this is my schedule for further SHY YETI ON LOCATION videos during 2010.

SHY YETI GOES TO HOLLYWOOD (September)
SHY YETI VS AUTUMN (October/November)
SHY YETI IN VENICE (November/December)
SHY YETI GOES TO VEGAS (December)

There are also a number of new SUTTON PARK episodes in the can, which need editing; but this all rather depends on how much time I have.

To finish with, here is a very new piece, which I wrote just today - which is inspired by my L.A. experiences and because I have recently been listening to a lot of Kiss albums for the first time.

I hope you enjoy it!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

FIRST SNOG

02/09/2010

They were a new band.
Their name was SNOG.
It was catchy too; for the 1970s.
Their manager came up with a gimmick.
Suggested that they paint their faces.
Each member of the band should have a different persona.
Each mask should be eye-catching like a comic book character.
It would work well for merchandising too.
Nobody had done anything like it before…
“You're going to be The Devil Ghost...”
Their manager told the bassist, also one of the vocalists…
When shown the design he liked it - it looked fierce, pale, haggard and frightening…
He could keep his hair long and imagine he was in a horror movie.
“You're going to be The Moondust Child…”
Their manager told the lead vocalist, who also played rhythm guitar…
The drawing made him look like some kind of futuristic alien made from glitter.
He liked it immediately.
Next it was the turn of their lead guitarist and vocalist.
“You're going to be The Meteor Man…” explained their manager.
The drawing was fantastic - it made him look strong, as if made from granite.
The fans would love that!!
Secretly the lead guitarist suspected that he would be their favourite.
Last of all came the drummer, percussionist and occasional vocalist.
He caught sight of his character before it was properly explained.
It looked a little like some kind of animal, quite unlike the other three masks.
“What's that?” asked the drummer. “It looks like a panda - it looks like it's smiling…”
"It's not a panda…" explained their manager. "It's a badger…"
The drummer frowned, looking to see if his band mates were smirking;
However they all looked a little distracted by dust-mites and shoe-laces; none smiled.
“A BADGER?" exploded the drummer. "A BLOODY BADGER?”
“A SPACE badger…” added their manager hurriedly. “You're so lucky; it's great!”
“Yeah, it's the best design of the lot…” agreed The Devil Ghost.
“I'm like - really jealous, man…” added The Moondust Child.
“Wow, yeah! It's absolutely amazing!” chimed in The Meteor Man.
Gradually, the drummer began to regard the drawing with a little more confidence.
“You like it? Really!?” he enquired, nervously - now suddenly warming to it.
“A SPACE BADGER, you say? Can I wear a hat?”
“Yes, of course…” agreed the Manager, nodding. “A large pink hat - with sequins!!”
Drummers, ey. Bless 'em.
They're like the magpies of the rock world...
You can convince them of anything if you bribe them with something shiny.

FIRST SNOG is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2010 and will appear in his next collection.

"JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU" - A NEW POEM BEFORE A BIG JOURNEY...

Hi folks,

"JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU" is my newest poem; written today - Wednesday 4th August 2010 just before I head out to L.A. tomorrow for a few days holiday. I wrote most of it on the train back to my flat between Salisbury and Weybridge earlier this morning; writing the last 8 lines to verse 5 and 6 back at home, at around lunchtime. The first lines that came to me were the one about flapping your arms, which became verse 5 and the second idea was about digging a tunnel - which ended up as the first verse. Having decided to write 6 verses - I wrote the first 8 lines of each and then returned to finish the last 8 lines once I had a scenario devised. All the verses were written in order except for verses 5 and 6 which I wrote in reverse order. It's basically just a daft poem about being determined to reach someone despite being so far away - and using the oddest methods to get there. Paws crossed rhat the last option - the giant leap - was the one that worked... I'm being positive here; I know it was! I expect this piece to appear in my next collection - and I dedicate it to Mr Dominic McCauley whom I am meeting when I arrive in LA tomorrow! Hoorah! :) I may even go and do an open-mike night whilst I'm out there, if I'm brave enough... I'll keep you informed!!

I hope you enjoy the new poem! More soon! :)

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx


JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU...

I am digging me a tunnel -
Just to get myself to you...
I am building me a trail -
That leads the way!
I have packed myself a picnic -
Just in case I crave a snack...
And when I get the other end -
I'm going to stay!
And yet the moles are getting jealous -
And all the earth worms are on strike!
They have built a barricade to keep me out!
So, I am turning back again -
Yes - I will find another way!
But I will get myself to you -
Without a doubt...


I am building me a sail-boat...
Just to get myself to you!
And I have taught myself -
The fastest way to row...
I am steering round the mermaids -
And I'm avoiding all the sharks...
With the vain hope that my -
Muscles may well grow!
With urgent fury I will paddle -
Although my toes are getting wet...
I am worried that my craft -
Has sprung a leak!
I have a nasty sinking feeling -
That the waves are growing high...
But I will get myself to you -
Within the week!


I am constructing me a bridge -
Just to get myself to you...
I will admire every view -
Take in the sights!
I've got a large supply of girders -
Yes, I've got my nuts and bolts!
And I will cross my paws -
I'm not afraid of heights!
Well, I have got the first arch stable -
But the next one looks a mess...
In the sea breeze I can -
See it start to sway!
All the wood-worm in the planks -
Are getting sea-sick too, alas...
So I will get myself to you -
Some other way!


I will fly a large balloon -
Just to get myself to you...
I am inflating it -
I'll fill it full of puff...
I am hoping it will rise -
Above the very highest cloud!
If I can only get it floating -
High enough!
Yes, there I stand upon the clifftop -
In the hope the wind may catch...
That I'll bob out above the sea -
And not be scared...
I have the feeling that the sea gulls -
Are about to peck me - BANG!!
But I'll still get myself to you...
I come prepared!!


I will flap my bingo wings -
Just to get myself to you...
I am pretending to myself -
That I'm a bee!
I have even got the outfit -
With my black and yellow stripes -
And I have bought myself -
A flask of honey tea...
But there's the slightest pang of worry -
I can hear a little sound -
A swarm of insects -
And a quite unfriendly buzz!
They must know I'm an imposter...
And they want to drive me out...
But I'll still get myself to you -
Well, just becuz!! ;)


I will take a running jump -
Just to get myself to you...
A decent run up -
Is the only thing I'll need!
There you are across the sea -
So, I will take a flying leap!
All I require is a little -
Head of speed...
I am coming, faster - faster...
Yes, my legs are moving quick!
You are worried at the plan -
That's now afoot!
But as I fly across the edge -
My strength of mind will get me there -
So once I've got myself to you -
I'm staying put!

"JUST TO GET MYSELF TO YOU..." is Copyright Paul Chandler 2010 and will appear in his next collection; late 2010/ early 2011.

BOOK LAUNCH PARTY AND A NEW POEM!!

Hello!

Amongst other things this post is about the book launch that I held at The Princess Louise, near Holborn on Saturday 10th July 2010 - although it has to be said that it was a little bit warm for such celebrations and by about Six O'clock all I wanted to do was sleep! We were mainly celebrating the launch of my latest collection DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? although the intention had also been to celebrate 10 years of The Mouse Of Commons, but as the new Mouse book wasn't quite ready that will probably have to wait now until later in the year; possibly around my birthday in November.

As well as the photos below I have also posted a new poem - which come from the formerly entitled THE DEATH OF LOVE collection, which is quite likely now to be christened LOVE BUZZ AND YETI HUGS for reasons that I can't possibly explain right at this very moment. The poem posted below RESPECTABLE TEXTS was written in late June 2010 and will be included in this collection and is dedicated to Mr Dominic McCauley who helped inspire it. Thanks DM - and a happy birthday too, by the way.

Before we turn to the new poem I am also going to post an update on the ratings of my Youtube and Vimeo videos, which I have not done in a number of months. This is only really for those of you out there, like me, who love a good countdown or who still mourn the passing of Top Of The Pops. All others of you can just skip onto the new poem if you prefer.

I should probably also mention that I have just finished a new video: SHY YETI OUT IN THE COUNTRY that features three poems - A FLEA TEA PARTY (from the next collection), FROM PETERSFIELD TO LISS from RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR and LADY GRRR GRRR from the latest collection. The video was filmed between June and July 2010 - although the second poem has never been seen before and receives its debut here. The video has only been up since wednesday this week, but looks set to enter the chart quite high next time it's updated...

The links to the video are as follows:

Vimeo link: http://vimeo.com/13471538

Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTz0BRsrCZs

RATINGS AS OF: 19/07/2010 - AFTERNOON

1st    SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 1 = 225 views

=2nd BALLAD OF A GO-GO BEAR = 141 views
=2nd SHY YETI ON LOCATION IN DORSET = 141 views
4th    UNGRATEFUL VALENTINE = 135 views
5th    SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 2 = 116 views
6th    I AM NEVER INVITED TO ORGIES... = 95 views
=7th  SHY YETI LIVE - 06/03/2010 = 91 views
=7th  SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 4 = 91 views
9th     SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 3 = 85 views
10th   OUT AND ABOUT WITH SHY YETI = 84 views
11th   YETI SPAGHETTI = 83 views
12th   SHY YETI ON LOCATION IN DORSET (OUT-TAKES) = 82 views
=13th SHY'S SNOW SPECTACULAR = 80 views
=13th SHY YETI IN A SECRET LOCATION = 80 views
15th   SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 7 = 66 views
16th   SHY YETI'S VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL = 65 views
17th   YOU CRAMP MY STYLE = 64 views
18th   SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 5 = 63 views
19th   YETI SPAGHETTI (OUT-TAKES) = 60 views
=20th SHY YETI LIVE - 06/03/2010 (2) = 59 views
=20th LITTLE PIG = 59 views
22nd  SUTTON PARK SW1 - PART 6 = 56 views
23rd   SHY YETI TALKS = 54 views
24th   MY MOMENT IS NOW = 52 views
=25th PICCADILLY CIRCUS = 51 views
=25th SHY YETI IN A SECRET LOCATION (OUT-TAKES) = 51 views
27th   THEY WARNED ME = 42 views
28th   MY DOG IN A DRESS = 32 views
=29th THINGS AIN'T... = 30 views
=29th SHY YETI LIVE - 18/11/2008 = 30 views
31st   CRASHTESTBOYFRIEND = 28 views
32nd  THE TRUE LIGHT = 22 views
33rd   GOOD HUG = 21 views
=34th THE SORRY TALE... = 20 views
=34th A VOICE IN HIS HEAD = 20 views
=34th RECKLESSLY = 20 views
37th   DAREDEVIL = 17 views

I'll update this list and announce how high the new video has got in the chart next time I post here!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx


RESPECTABLE TEXTS

I am sending respectable texts –
On the surface they're terribly prim…
You would never detect pent up passions –
If you hurriedly gave them a skim…
But it's all deep within 'neath the covers –
All my yearnings are hidden in code…
I pretend to be calm when I see you –
But in truth I'm about to explode!
But I smile and I nod, so politely…
When we go for a meal or a drink!
But all the time I just wanna be lusty –
And expose you to more than a wink!
I am terribly shy on the outside –
But inside I'm a bit of a scamp…
So, when I send you respectable texts –
Deep inside I'm well-practiced vamp!


I am sending respectable texts –
'Cos I don't want my ass to get sued…
'Cos I don't want my loved ones to hate me…
'Cos they've learnt I'm potentially crude!
But I bow and I scrape and I curtsey…
Yes, I smile and I always say please!
But I slip in a double entendre –
And I do so with eloquent ease!
I've a charmingly coy way about me –
Such an innocent look in my eye…
But the phrases I'm typing are filthy –
And the words about you they apply!
I am making my move very slowly –
'Cos I'm hoping you're gonna agree…
To what my respectable texts are suggesting –
'Cos there's something I'd LOVE you to see!


I am sending respectable texts –
'Cos I'm feeling it's really my duty!
Whilst we discuss how the weather has been –
I will throw in a phrase rather fruity!
When I ask 'bout the cut of your jib –
Or the cake that you claim to be baking…
It's just my way of saying “I love you…
You're so sexy - I think I am quaking!”
When I ask 'bout your mother's Chihuahua –
I mean things that would make you blush red…
When I ask if you're feeling deflated –
When I mean is “Please take me to bed!”
There is naughtiness in my intention –
It is skulking away 'mongst the lines…
Of my oh-so respectable texts…
So it's just you, my sweet love, sees the signs!

Copyright Paul Chandler 2010 - due to appear in his next collection, late 2010/early 2011.

THE BOOK LAUNCH - 10TH JULY 2010

The photos below are mainly of the guests; Calum, Glyn, Harry, Miles, Gibson etc - but also feature me receiving some shocking news about my sales figures from a bear and rather tasty chilli-pepper filled pancake from MY OLD DUTCH which I devoured before heading home. Thanks again to everyone who came along on such a hot day!

PAUL GOES TO L.A. AND ANOTHER POEM FROM THE NEW BOOK

Hello,

Just a quick post to show off some rather cool photos that were sent to me by a good friend from L.A. who bought the new book. I am sorry to say that I, myself, am yet to visit L.A. - but it is nice to see that my books get to do a bit of sightseeing in their new homes. Thank you, Dominic McCauley for taking all these photos! Hopefully I can come visit my book one day soon! :)

Whilst we are considering L.A. and all the stars that can be found there I thought this gave me the perfect idea of which poem from the new book: DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? that I should post here. It's called FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE - but, of course, does not refer to the genuine stars that are featured on the streets of L.A. - more the Z-listers that are continually pushed our way these days. I hope you enjoy both the poem and the new photos.

In further news I have been busy compiling THE YETI MACABRE, which features some new short stories, scripts and some of my more curious poetic endeavours. I have also been working on a lot of poems over the last few weeks - titles include: THE MEN IN WHITE COATS ARE MY FRIENDS, RESPECTABLE TEXTS and THE CUTEST ONE IN THE BAND amongst others.More soon!

Massive yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE…

I am sick of the famous…

They're a pain in the arse!

They think they're better than us –

But most simply lack class!

I'm so sick of their hairstyles…

Yes, I'm sick of their sneering…

Oh so sick of their chat;

When in HEAT they're appearing!

They all drive me insane!

They must all take the blame…

Botox messed with their brains –

'Til they forgot their own name!

Oh, why don't they feck off –

So we don't have to see them…

Despite what everyone says –

I would not want to be them…

I'm so sick of the famous –

Can't we send them away?

Give them all one way tickets –

Out to Mars or Bombay...

I am sick of the famous –

They're a pain in the neck!

They emerge out of rehab –

Yet they still look a wreck!

Then they make their confessions –

So we all have to hear 'em!

Why can't we just feed them –

Some dead poisonous serum!?

Oh, why can't we just bury them –

Deep down under the ground?

Shhh… And not tell a soul!

So, they'll never be found!

Oh, why don't they feck off?

They're a cause for concern!

No-one cares for them now –

But seems they never will learn!

I'm so sick of the famous –

And the floozies they bed!

I hear eight out of ten folk –

Would prefer they were dead!

I am sick of the famous –

They're a pain in the butt!

They just fill up the gutters –

They are all off their nut…

They have nothing to say –

That the world needs to hear!

How I laugh when I see –

That they're living in fear!

With the Paps on the door –

For another sound bite!

See them craving the fame –

Like moths burnt by the light…

Oh, why don't they fuck off?

I care not what they've felt!

I care not what they've suffered –

I live in hope they might melt!

I'm so sick of the famous –

And with all of their moaning!

It is they who have sinned –

But it is us who's atoning!

FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2010 and is from the new collection DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS? All photos Copyright Dominic McCauley, 2010.