Hello beasties!!
Welcome May! April was a busy one... May May be a little calmer! (That's a dreadful sentence!!) I've a holiday coming up towards the end of the month - but more about that nearer the time...
We're back to posting once a week for the moment - having released the first season of KENSINGTON GORE last week... I am taking a break from all that this week by sharing with you another rather daft Shy Yeti sketch... I've been enjoying writing these silly little Shy Yeti sketches and as I may or may not have said already (I've forgotten, I'm pretty old now, remember!) I've decided that I'd like to do a few more and eventually put them into a book - potentially entitled A SHY YETI SKETCH-BOOK... But we shall see when and if that comes to pass, when and if it does... I'd certainly like it to!!
Before I go I really ought to leave you with all the KENSINGTON GORE information that you need to know... It goes a little like this...
KENSINGTON GORE focuses on a trio of friends who care-take a mysterious apartment block in the Kensington Gore area of London. They are Katrina, Warren and Lucy (who also featured in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS script-series) and on this occasion their troubles come from a herd of vampire cows and also from an infamous serial killer! New jobs are never easy; especially when you could end up dead!
Hardback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-one/hardcover/product-22663909.html £14.99
Paperback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/kensington-gore---season-one/18237784 £7.99
Thank you again for your support and to all those who have already bought their copies, thank you all the more! Enjoy the sketch - as the title confirms, it involves librarians - a profession close to my own heart!
Don't forget - my 12-track "lost" 2012 recording, THE KISS ME QUICK E.P. has just been released on Bandcamp at: https://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/the-kiss-me-quick-e-p and is available for just £2.
More soon...
Yeti hugs...
More soon...
Yeti hugs...
Paul xx
SETTING THE SCENE:
Shy Yeti is out on the town with his two friends, married yeti couple Chas and Maxine - who he was at University with... All three of them studied to be librarians, however Shy rapidly became distracted and moved into writing, poetry and journalism (amongst other daft pursuits) and hasn't catalogued anything in years. The three yeti meet in a Kensington bar called The Disgruntled Yak and talk over the old days.
CHAS: (slightly teasing)
So how's the showbiz life, Shy?
MAX: (almost sarcastic)
Yes, tell us... What's new? Wooed any tip top starlets lately? Won any major awards?
SHY: (slightly put out, but trying not to show it)
Don't be daft! I don't woo... Well, not recently... The last famous person I saw had actually been dead about a decade, but was so bored with lying in his grave that he'd made the decision to come back as a zombie... Turns out it's truly revived his career - but you can never predict which way it will go... Audiences aren't always so kind and accommodating!
CHAS: (curious)
Who was it?!
SHY: (confused)
Who was it, what?
MAX: (keen to learn the answer)
The former star who came back as a zombie?
SHY: (vaguely)
Oh, I don't remember his name - watch the breakfast news tomorrow, though - I think he's presenting...
CHAS: (with pretend grumpiness)
You're useless... What's the point of knowing a yeti who's in the know - if he's forgotten who it is that he actually knows!
SHY: (beginning to waffle)
But that whole world is just dull, dull, dull - there's nothing more boring than a really famous person; all they want to talk about is themselves, when I'm clearly always the most exciting person in the room... Well, unless you two are about and then it's evens... Come on - that's what I want to know about - what exactly are you two up to? How's the world of librarying?
CHAS: (modestly playing down the obvious excitement of library work)
Oh, you don't want to know about all that...
SHY: (over-enthusiastic)
Oh, golly gee, do I! I want to know every last thing! How many bar-codes have you beeped? How many customers have you set the big dogs on because they couldn't afford to pay their over-due fines? Where are your shelving trolleys? Are they all oiled up and ready to go? Do you really race them down the aisles after lights out? Is it true that thick spectacles and putting your head fur into a bun has been out-lawned by the EU? I need to know the answers to all of these questions - and now!
MAX: (crossly)
Well, to respond to your last point I'm afraid the answer is yes - but we've all gone out in protest and wear our back fur in a bun just to stick two claws up at those who rule...
SHY: (supportively)
Too right! Oh, this is fascinating!
MAX: (kindly mocking)
Seriously... I don't know why you ever left the business - you must be the only yeti I know who finds the inner workings of libraries even vaguely interesting...
CHAS: (clearly having thought about this subject for some time)
I mean we love it too, but then we enjoy counting staples and sniffing first editions... It's literally what we do - not just at work but also for fun... You have the eye of a groupie when it comes to these places - I'd say that we're more like slightly over-interested stalkers... Only we shower slightly more often!
MAX: (chipping in)
Well, we'd need to, dear - after all we go on holidays specifically to sift through the dust of ancient encyclopaedias... You need a good scrub after an afternoon spent doing that...
CHAS: (chuckling)
Yes, indeed! We do love our books - there's no doubting that... I expect you remember our wedding?
SHY: (clearly with slightly mixed feeling, but smiling as he speaks)
I do! Didn't the good people from Dewey design your outfits? Now that was quite something... I must say, I've never felt quite the same about "looking up a word in the dictionary" ever since. Still, it really was a special day...
CHAS/MAX: (in unison)
Aww...
SHY: (insistent)
Come on, you two - you must have something juicy to tell me... Something bookish!
CHAS: (unsure)
Well, I guess... Max/ Do you think we'd be allowed to share our story about you-know-what... (he winks)
MAX: (beaming)
Oh... That course we took recently... Yes! Why not?
SHY: (becoming increasingly keen)
A course? A library course?! Golly gosh? What did it involve? Some kind of new classification scheme?
CHAS: (unsure how to put it)
Not exactly... Possibly even more exciting than that even... It's a form of... MAGIC!? Would that be over-playing it, Max?
MAX: (in agreement)
Oh no... No... It really is like magic... Yes, yes... I'd definitely call it that...
SHY: (fascinated)
Oh, good grief! This is amazing... What ever is it called? Do tell...
MAX/CHAS: (in unison)
SHHH STUDIES...
SHY: (clapping his paws as he queries the spelling)
Two H's? No three?!
MAX/CHAS: (enjoying his enthusiasm)
Yes, three...
SHY:
Oh my! (Fanning self) I don't think I can bear the excitement... Tell me more! How does it work?
CHAS: (thinking through his response)
It's hard to explain... To be honest, you should probably see it in action!! (he turns to his wife)
MAX: (nodding, slightly smirking)
Yes, we can do that... Fancy another drink, Shy? Same again?
SHY: (not realising yet that this is part of the demonstration)
Sure... Yes... That would be nice... Thank you...
CHAS: (whispering as Maxine hurries off)
Just you watch...
SHY DOES JUST THAT AND OBSERVES MAXINE STRIDING CONFIDENTLY TOWARDS THE BAR... THE DISGRUNTLED YAK IS QUITE BUSY NOW AND CHATTER FILLS THE AIR, NOT TO MENTION THE SOUND OF MUSIC FROM THE JUKE BOX... WHEN MAXINE REACHES THE BAR IT IS HARD FOR THE BAR MAN TO HEAR HER AND SO SHE SIGHS, RAISES HER FORE-FINGER AND SHHHHH'S EVERYBODY STANDING THERE... THE WHOLE AREA FALLS SILENT, EVEN THE MUSIC STOPS; CHAS GRINS AND LOOKS BACK AT A SURPRISED SHY...
CHAS: (grinning)
Impressive, aye!?
SHY: (almost unable to believe his own eyes)
Wow!! That was awesome! Do it again! Do it again!! Do it again!!
TIMES PASSES, SO DOES THE LOCATION...
Chas, Maxine and Shy are sitting in a park, enjoying the sun - when, despite all the other grassy space available to them, a group of noisy teens arrive and start kicking a ball around right there in front of the group. After a moment or two Max and Chas stand up and put their fingers to their lips - ushering a loud SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! for all to hear. The kids pause - then start playing again, but this time they tip-toe and do not say a single word...
NEXT WE SEE CHAS, MAXINE AND SHY IN ANOTHER LOCATION...
Chas, Maxine and Shy are wandering around a local zoo - they are enjoying seeing the tigers, the mongoose, the giraffe and the penguins - but every time the animals start to make noises and each time they get SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHed by Max and Chas... As a result the animals line up politely, stop bellowing and allow them all to take photos, posing patiently...
LATER, BACK HOME WHILST THEY ARE EATING A TAKE-OUT CHINESE MEAL...
First we see Max shhhing the microwave which then stops buzzing and goes completely mute - next we see Chas SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHing a boy band who are singing on the television and then look suitably chastised once they hear the command, filing off the screen with their heads bowed in shame. Shy opens a bottle of wine and the cork makes a popping noise and then a glug-glug noise when the contents are poured - Chas and Max shhh it and everything is relaxingly quiet again. Finally, as they all get ready for bed we see a flower growing in a pot and both Chas and Max shhh it - the flower grows more quietly and Shy is just giggling in the background, impressed. He is also shhh-ed and goes miraculously silent... It really *is* magic!!
NEXT DAY, SHY IS ABOUT TO DRIVE HOME AND THE THREE FRIENDS ARE ABOUT TO SAY THEIR FAREWELLS...
SHY: (genuinely sad to be going)
Well, it's been lovely to see you both... Thank you so much for the chinese and for putting me up last night - it was really nice not to have to drive home afterward...
CHAS: (jovial)
Well, we couldn't let you do that... It was no problem! I do hope we didn't freak you out with our magic tricks...
SHY: (still in awe)
No, no... Not at all... I just wish I knew how you did it... The world of librarying has certainly changed since my day!
MAX: (modestly)
There's no real trick to it... Just concentrate and get shushing...
SHY IS STILL CHUCKLING ABOUT THIS IN THE DRIVE HOME - HE IS SO BUSY THINKING ABOUT THE DAY THAT HE DOES NOT NOTICE THAT HE IS GOING SLIGHTLY FASTER THAN HE SHOULD BE - BUT A POLICE MAN DOES AND STOPS HIM IN HIS TRACKS...
OFFICER: (sternly)
Do you realise that you were travelling at 10 miles over the speed limit for this area, Sir? You may think it's not a pedestrian area - but there are squirrels here and some of them will be out nut collecting!
SHY: (apologetically)
I realise that and yes - I'm sorry - I only noticed once I saw your car... I should have been paying more attention!
OFFICER:
And is there anything you'd like to say about that in your defence?
SHY THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A MOMENT AND THEN BEGINS TO SHH...
OFFICER: (grinning)
Was that a SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?!
SHY:
Err... No... I'm SHHHURE that I'll just pay the fine and be more alert next time...
OFFICER:
No fine this time, sir... Just a warning... (he pauses and then lowers his tone) I'm not saying that you were - but I do hope you've got a valid Library Association membership card, sir... You do realise that it's a crime to use a shhh without a license; especially if you don't have a valid Library Association membership card... My boyfriend's a librarian, sir - this is how I happen to know these things...
You win some - you lose some, but Shy was certainly very glad that he'd not let out the full SHHHHH in front of the Policeman and he hasn't dared try it out since...
Some may believe that a good shhh never hurt anyone, but apparently you do need the appropriate paperwork!
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016
