MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM "THE BEAST OF FRIENDS"

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU...

Hello beasties...

This will probably be my last post for 2014...

Firstly here are a few links to my previous Christmas posts...

2003: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2003_12_07_archive.html

2006: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2006_12_17_archive.html

2009: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2009_12_20_archive.html

2010: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2010_12_19_archive.html

2011: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2011_12_18_archive.html

2011: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2011_12_25_archive.html

2012: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2012_12_23_archive.html

2013: www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_12_22_archive.html

Usually I write you something new and that is usually a Christmas-themed poem or story. On this occasion, and as 2014 has been so much about my scripted projects I thought I would share with you a Christmas-y sketch which you can read whether or not you have been following the BEAST adventures. The main characters are under-lined below and for those in the know this sketch takes place towards the end of the second season of the show - with season 3 due out in the new year this seems like a good time to fit in an extra scene!

Anyway, enjoy and have a glorious Christmas and a wonderful new year and I shall be back with you early in 2015, possibly with a look back at my writing highlights in 2014...

Bestest yeti wishes,

Paul xx

P.S. Apologies if there are any typos in the following script - it is a second draft... The finished piece will be published in a BEAST OF FRIENDS publication during 2015.

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS...

CHRISTMAS SKETCH 2014   

CAST:

HORNER:

A travel-writer who spends a number of months a year as an amphibian, trolling about the swamps of SW6. This Christmas he is looking pretty human, however. He is the landlord and friend of the other characters.

KATRINA:

A kindly witch with a fondness for gin, amongst other alcoholic beverages.

COLIN:

A werewolf with a rather unorthodox approach to transformation - the moon rarely affects him but almost anything vaguely circular is sure to set him off.

WARREN:

Warren grew up alongside all manner of supernatural eccentrics; however he himself is pretty ordinary by comparison. Being gay used to shock people, but when you've got a dragon in the family being gay all seems slightly dull.

SETTING THE SCENE: 

It is Christmas Eve somewhere in Fulham, London and Horner, Warren, Colin and Katrina are preparing for the festivities. Horner has just finished wrapping presents and is taking a breather, Colin and Warren are decorating the kitchen whilst mince pies cook in the oven. Meanwhile Katrina is reading a magazine - suddenly she stops, muttering under her breath until Horner enquires as to what the problem is exactly.

HORNER: (curious)

What have you seen, Katrina? Either you're furious about something in your magazine or that cheeseboard at lunchtime has given you indigestion.

COLIN: (being daft)

No wonder she's got indigestion if she's been chewing that... Did you get splinters again, Katrina? I don't think she even touched the actual cheese!

WARREN: (laughs)

More for us then...

KATRINA: (distracted)

Ha bloody ha... You'll never believe this... I was reading this article and it's all about a particular programme that's on the radio over the seasonal period - it's the pilot episode for a possible series apparently! Shocking...

HORNER: (straight-faced)

So presumably it's not the latest episode of Dessert Island Discs? I love that show - you never quite know what they'll be discussing each week?

COLIN: (teasing)

Maybe it'll be Katrina's all-time favourite...

WARREN: (faking surprise)

Not spotted dick again, surely? She must know that recipe off by heart...

COLIN:

You'd have thought so, wouldn't you?

HORNER: (affectionately)

Aww... Don't be cruel! That said don't you usually prefer a good board game to the radio, Katrina?

KATRINA: (in agreement)

Usually I do, yes!

WARREN: (reflecting warily)

I'll never forget the year she suggested we play Strip Monopoly... She kept winning too!

COLIN: (mumbles)

Kept cheating, more like...

KATRINA: (defensively)

I simply have a natural talent, that's all!

HORNER: (laughs)

...For getting naive men to slowly remove their clothes over a board game...

KATRINA: (slightly snappy)

A talent is a talent and not to be scoffed at!

HORNER: (changing the subject)

Anyway, Katy - what's this radio show that you're so in a tizzy over?

KATRINA:

You'll be in a tizzy once you've heard this... Let me read you the piece - it's only short! Do you recall a certain Shy Yeti of our acquaintance?

COLIN: (somewhat nervously)

Of course! That yeti poet bloke we had staying with us not so long ago...

WARREN: (reflecting, without pleasure)

The one who was taking all those notes about us for his script?

HORNER: (confused)

I thought we'd bamboozled him so much that he didn't know what on earth was true about us and what was made up?

KATRINA: (crossly)

I guess we did - to a point... But it doesn't seem to have stopped him writing something inspired by us... Listen to this...

"Shy Yeti is better known for his verse - this is his first radio play and it focuses on an extremely odd-ball collection of characters who all live together in a house in Fulham. Horny-face, Kate, Darren and Wolfy are a gang of oddball weirdoes who like nothing better than drunkenly scaring the neighbours. Mr Yeti claims that they are based on real people that he has had the misfortune to live with; but I'd take that with a pinch of salt..."

COLIN: (out-raged)

Horny-face! Kate! Darren and Wolfy!

WARREN: (laughing but not with much amusement)

This I have GOT to hear...

KATRINA: (grumpily)

So? What do you make of all this, Horner?

HORNER: (calmly)

Funnily enough this is not the first that I have heard about the matter... In fact I have arranged a small listening party for this very evening!

WARREN: (surprised)

It's on tonight?

KATRINA: (curious)

It is indeed... What are you planning, Horner?

HORNER: (secretively)

Ah... That would be telling... Some mulled wine, chestnuts roasting over an open fire - maybe some marshmallows - a jacket potato or two and my old portable radio...

COLIN: (annoyed)

That's all very well - but what about some right-to-reply?

HORNER:

Don't you worry - we'll come to that later...

A FEW HOURS PASS AND THE FOUR FRIENDS ARE OUT IN THE GARDEN AND WRAPPED UP IN THEIR WINTER COATS... THERE IS A FIRE BURNING BRIGHTLY, WHICH IS KEEPING THEM WARM AND THEY ARE TUCKING INTO THEIR JACKET POTATOES AS THE RADIO PLAY IS TRANSMITTED... THE SHOW IS ALMOST OVER BUT THEY ARE LISTENING INTENTLY... 

DARREN: (over-jovially)

Hey guys! I meant to ask - what is your favourite thing to do at Christmas? Other than reading the latest collection of fantastic verse by that terrific poet, Shy Yeti!? I'm too dull and boring myself to actually have an opinion about anything like that... I've probably mentioned it before but my family would rather I hadn't been born... Weird, right?

KATE: (also really over-the-top)

Really weird!! Darren, they just wanted to save money on buying you Christmas presents... Don't fret! We like you no matter how ordinary you are, dear...

DARREN: (affectionately)

Thank you, Kate... That's lovely of you! So what are your favourite things to do at Christmas?

KATE: (perky)

Well, you were obviously correct that reading Mr Yeti's poetry would be top of my list... He's such a wonderful rhyme-writer! But other than that... Well, being a witch I really do enjoy flying on my broom and putting spells on skate-boarding teenagers! Nothing beats it! What about you, Wolfy?

WOLFY: (gruff)

Howling at the moon and eating O.A.P.s is always fun - whilst reading Shy Yeti's latest volume of amusing ditties whilst I floss my fangs...

HORNY-FACE: (very stage-y)

Is it available from all good book shops, Wolfy?

WOLFY: (even more stage-y)

Indeed it is... I believe it's called NOT AS SHY AS I WAS and can be purchased from www.lulu.com for £9.99 in paperback.

KATE: (brightly)

That's terrific! So what do you like doing best at Christmas, Horny-face?

HORNY-FACE: (matter-of-factly)

I must say first of all that poetry reading is my favourite thing - but otherwise I enjoy shedding my skin messily and kidnapping frog-faced girls with my fishing net to drag back to my underwater den in the marshes... Once there I can sing limericks to them in a bad Welsh accent...

KATE: (chuckling)

Sounds like the kind of thing you do most nights, honey!

HORNY-FACE: (with fake shock)

Cheeky!

THE REST OF THE CAST LAUGH AND THE SHOW ENDS IN A RIOT OF CHRISTMAS CAROL SINGING... BACK IN THE GARDEN THE FOUR FRIENDS DO NOT LOOK BEST PLEASED...

WARREN: (baffled)

Well, if that bunch of tosh gets commissioned for a full series I think I'll give up and go and become a nun...

KATRINA: (straight-faced)

To be honest he doesn't get much at the moment - so getting none won't be much of a difference...

COLIN: (affectionately)

Oh! Katy... You do say the funniest things sometimes! But ONLY sometimes...

HORNER: (slightly out-raged)

Stop it, the both of you! That show wasn't even vaguely funny and neither was that extremely ancient nun joke!

COLIN: (apologetically)

Ah well! There's no hope for me! I actually laughed...

KATRINA:

Twice!

WARREN: (cross)

Well, I was offended... All he could come up with was a cheap imitation of us with not a single iota of originality...

HORNER: (snootily)

What do you expect from a yeti!? They're all the same! They're as egotistical as bears but about twice as useless...

KATRINA: (encouraging)

Well, I think we should demand an apology...

COLIN: (hopeful)

Can't we sue him for clearly basing his characters on us? Stop him from writing a whole series; from making money out of us?

WARREN: (gossipy)

I thought my mother was a tyrant - but she's nothing compared to that yeti... He's been hanging around all the wrong people! Someone once told me that he used to be quite a nice guy when he first started out!

HORNER: (helpful)

I heard that too! But listen... If an apology is all you need then that should be quite easy to arrange...

WARREN: (curious)

Oh yes? How exactly? 

KATRINA: (slightly excited)

Yes, how?

HORNER:

Just speak to the fire...

COLIN: (confused)

Speak to the what!?

HORNER:

Let me show you... Would anybody else like a second jacket potato or maybe a corn-on-the-cob?

WITHOUT WAITING FOR A REPLY HORNER APPROACHES THE FIRE, WHERE ON TOP OF THE HOT COALS SITS A LARGE DOME OF TIN FOIL AND A HUDDLED FURRY SHAPE THAT IT APPEARS HAS BEEN TIED FIRMLY TO A SPIT. IT IS SHY YETI HIMSELF.

KATRINA: (surprised)

Is that who I think it is? Really?!

HORNER: (fake sympathy)

Absolutely... He's terribly sorry too for all the trouble that he's caused.

COLIN: (eagerly)

Am I allowed to poke him with a sharp stick?

HORNER: (apologetically)

Only a blunt one I'm afraid..

KATRINA: (resolved)

It'll have to do...

HORNER: (addressing their guest)

Keeping warm over there I hope Mister Yeti? I do hope that the food is almost cooked!!!

HORNER FREES SHY YETI'S GAG

TO SEE IF HE HAS ANYTHING OF ANY USE TO SAY...

SHY YETI: (sadly)

I'm sorry - so very sorry...

HORNER: (brightly)

Don't apologise... Those potatoes have come up a treat...

COLIN: (enquiring)

Horner, is it true that yeti toes make an ideal topping to trifle?

KATRINA: (with relish)

Well, I certainly enjoyed them - I had them in Riga last year... They were delicious!

COLIN: (enthusiastically)

Oh yes, that was the year we all flew there on the back of your broomstick...

WARREN: (remembering as if with affection)

...And you spent all weekend howling at the moon whilst I sat there drinking breakfast tea and being excessively boring and conventional...

HORNER: (recalling with pleasure)

...And I menaced the city catching innocent tourists with just my wicked charm and a butterfly net!

SHY YETI: (pleading)

Oh! Let me go! Let me go!

HORNER: (severely)

Once you sign a sworn statement promising to never write another dodgy radio play about us, then maybe...

SHY YETI: (woefully)

I promise!

KATRINA: (warily)

I'm not sure I believe him...

COLIN: (excitedly) 

Me neither... Let's nibble his toes and see if they still taste nice!

WARREN: (in disagreement)

I'd rather have another jacket potato! From the smell of him he's not washed any time recently...

HORNER: (in celebration)

Nasty! Somebody give him a wipe down with a wet sock or maybe just don't bother! Oh well... Each to their own... Merry Christmas everyone!

OTHERS:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

SHY YETI: (sounding like he's about to cry)

Will whoever is nibbling my toes please stop doing so...

COLIN: (chuckling)

Spoilsport.

This sketch was written between 13th and 16th December 2014

The Contents Of This Blog Post Are Copyright Paul Chandler 2014...

VENICE... ONE MORE TIME!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY "NOT AS SHY..."

Hello beasties...

This is the second of my two Venice posts... This one will be quite a fleeting visit, you'll be glad to hear - I just want to remind those of you who haven't yet bought their copies that...

NOT AS SHY AS I WAS contains over 70 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between January and September 2012. They include: THE BEAST OF FRIENDS, DRUNK ELK, ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, MINE OWN MINOTAUR, ONCE I LOST MY HEART TO A CORNISH PASTY, A YETI IN A HAT and many more…

For a limited period - birthday prices... I'd like to make it cheaper, but the books do cost a minimum amount to make (about £6 for paperback and £13 for the hardback), so I'm lowering my royalty to bring you these reductions - but then I really think you'll enjoy the book and want you to read it!

Paperback Edition, £9.99 - 25% off now £7.49
http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/not-as-shy-as-i-was/paperback/product-21335775.html

Hardback Edition, £15.99 - £2 off now £13.99
http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/not-as-shy-as-i-was/hardcover/product-21335718.html

Next time we'll probably be thinking about Christmas - probably my least favourite season of the year... What a grumpy yeti!! Okay... Well, I'll see if I can't cheer up by then... More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS When I was in Venice I spotted ROCKY THE ZOMBIE LOBSTER in an art gallery!! He blanked me...

Copyright to all content of this post belongs to Paul Chandler, 2014.

SHOWING THE YETI AROUND ITALY... (AGAIN!)

A BIRTHDAY WRITING TRIP BACK TO VENICE...

Hello beasties!!

Apologies for my silence since the Poetry Café show back over Halloween but I have been away again - returning to Venice for the second time this year in aid of my birthday celebrations. This time I had the good sense to bring with me my laptop and so was able to continue work on the various BEAST OF FRIENDS projects (and spin-offs) that are currently on the go. Not only that but I also did a little work on a number of new poems - only a few lines here and there, but it'll all go towards any future collection that I put together once A YETI WAY OF THINKING is finally published in 2015.

This is only going to be a short post - one of two from this trip - but I do have a new piece of writing to share with you. It was actually written during my trip to Antwerp in October - but I'm reproducing it here as a cheeky taster of the new collection.

But firstly... I now present a number of photos from the recent Venice trip... It was little wetter this visit than on previous visits, but I still managed to have a good explore - eat a number of ice creams and pizza - not to mention having a binge watch of season 4 of The Walking Dead!

I hope you enjoyed the photos! We're moving on now to a new prose piece called AN APE EXCHANGE which was written on 18th October 2014... It's only a short story, but I hope it'll raise a chuckle or two. Next time I have some more photos and we'll also be looking back to last year's collection, NOT AS SHY AS I WAS which has just celebrated its first anniversary since being published. More soon... Yeti hugs, Paul xx


AN APE EXCHANGE...

The noise in the monkey house that day was pretty much unbearable; especially to those of us who do not have children. For it was not the apes who were making the most noise but the screaming human tots in their pushchairs. It was a pain, but in a way it worked well as crowd control - making us move on all the faster to escape their chatter. There was only one cage that confused me at first. It did not contain monkeys but a collection of rather stunned looking toddlers. It was only later, once we had left the zoo that I noticed a number of parents pushing their pushchairs with what can only be described as "renewed occupants" that it suddenly occurred to me what exactly had happened. Money can buy you most things and sometimes if the opportunity comes along then an exchange can be arranged - a little like taking an unwanted jumper back to the store and swapping it for something you do want. Most people are too polite to say what they see and should your friend's baby return from holiday looking that little bit hairier than when it left then most people won't say a thing; as long as it behaves itself at the dinner table and doesn't monkey about, that is.

AN APE EXCHANGE will be published as part of my next collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING - due out in Spring 2015. This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

SHY YETI'S BEEN SHOWING OFF AGAIN...

SHY YETI IS FREAKY AT THE POETRY CAFE...

Hi beasties!

Hello again! Just a quick post to let you know how things went with the Halloween Show at The Poetry Café... Here we go...

SHY YETI'S HALLOWEEN SHOW...
FRIDAY 31ST OCTOBER 2014...

FIRST HALF

A YETI IN A HAT
EVIL IVY
THEM VAMPIRES - SUCH CHARMERS
ON RICHMOND HILL
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
WHY AGNES, YOU'RE LOVELY!
SHE NEVER HAD ANY LUCK
SWEET OLETA
SHAVING WEREWOLVES
SOMETHING'S UP WITH ROCKY LOBSTER
OTHERWISE ENGAGED
THE CAROL SINGERS

SECOND HALF...

I LOST MY HEART TO A CORNISH PASTY
ZOMBIE FLICKS ARE THE NEW ROM-COM
LAST OF THE AUTUMN LEAVES
SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA
PATIENCE IS THE KEY
WAVES
ROLLERCOASTER
PICCADILLY CIRCUS
SPACE-CAKES
I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH PHOTOS OF YOUR KIDS...
LOOK, I'M NO SCROOGE
I WILL EAT PIES


IN GREATER DETAIL

SHY YETI'S HALLOWEEN SHOW - FRIDAY 31ST OCTOBER 2014...

FIRST HALF

A YETI IN A HAT, EVIL IVY

These two were from my recent collection NOT AS SHY AS I WAS (2013)

THEM VAMPIRES - SUCH CHARMERS

This was an old favourite of mine from FUNERAL FOR A SHOE (2011)

ON RICHMOND HILL, A LEARNING EXPERIENCE

The first of these I've rarely performed - the second I've performed in London and L.A. They're both from ROLLERCOASTER (2002)

WHY AGNES, YOU'RE LOVELY

This one is from POEMS TO MAKE BEARS GROWL (2006) and is one of my favourites to perform.

SHE NEVER HAD ANY LUCK

Another old piece from ROLLERCOASTER (2002)

SWEET OLETA

This one is short and sweet. It went down well last time and seemed popular this time too. It's from RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR (2007)

JOHN SMALLSHAW READ AT THIS POINT...

SHAVING WEREWOLVES, SOMETHING'S UP WITH ROCKY LOBSTER

These two went well with the Halloween theme and were from 2013's NOT AS SHY AS I WAS collection.

OTHERWISE ENGAGED, THE CAROL SINGERS

Another two from ROLLERCOASTER (2002) - the latter being the first of the evening to mention the dreaded topic of... Christmas!!

SECOND HALF...

I LOST MY HEART TO A CORNISH PASTY, ZOMBIE FLICKS ARE THE NEW ROM-COM

I started the second half with two more pieces from NOT AS SHY AS I WAS... (2013)

LAST OF THE AUTUMN LEAVES

Another piece from ROLLERCOASTER (2002) - and one that fitted well as we're currently in the middle of autumn.

SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA

One of my all time favourites to perform - which was first published in THE AUTUMNAL E.P. (2004)

PATIENCE IS THE KEY

Another piece from NOT AS SHY AS I WAS... (2013) - this one is a short story rather than a poem.

WAVES

This is a piece that I wrote when my Great Aunt died many years ago now - it was first published in ROLLERCOASTER (2002)

JOHN SMALLSHAW READ AT THIS STAGE...

ROLLERCOASTER, PICCADILLY CIRCUS

Two many pieces that I have often performed at The Poetry Cafe - it's from ROLLERCOASTER (2002) There are two videos on Youtube that include poems from this collection - one of which also contains the poem AGNES that I also read on the 31st.

Rollercoaster Video 1: http://youtu.be/lmxM4nGIw3E?list=UU0-eoWU7pUumDo0WEUFzJCQ

Rollercoaster Video 2: http://youtu.be/Os6Sqv5_s50?list=UU0-eoWU7pUumDo0WEUFzJCQ

SPACE-CAKES...

The only unpublished piece that I read on the night. This one was written in Amsterdam during the summer and will appear in my next collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING (2015)

I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH PHOTOS OF YOUR KIDS...

A piece from my eighth collection - POETIQUETTE (2005) which I have never performed before.

LOOK, I'M NO SCROOGE

One of my favourites to perform from my 7th collection, MUGSHOTS (2005) You can see a youtube video of me performing it at: http://youtu.be/vPsvG2l2bWc

I WILL EAT PIES

The poem that I end most of my shows with - it's from RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR (2007)

There was no video taken of this show - but we did take plenty of photos. Thanks again to everyone who came along and especially to anybody who bought a book. Extra-special thanks to John Smallshaw for coming to read. There will be more shows during 2015 - but I won't start getting any dates until the new year now as the Poetry Café is only taking booking three months in advance.

Next time I'll be talking a bit about my forthcoming trip to Venice and looking ahead to the end of the year...

More soon! Yeti hugs, Paul x




This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2014.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN...

SOMETHING FOR THE ZOMBIES IN THE AUDIENCE...

Hi beasties,

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Hello! Yes... I know I only last posted yesterday - but I couldn't let Halloween go uncelebrated!

I will be brief, however and just post a new-ish poem which is suitably scary. It's from my forthcoming collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING, which is due out in early 2015 and its all about zombies...

Don't forget to come along to tonight's show... We'll be at The Poetry Café on Betterton Street, London from 19.30 until around 21.20! See you there if you can make it!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE GORGEOUS DEAD

The gorgeous dead are coming
They are looking mighty fine!
Here they come across the fields –

They come in search of discount wine!
Bargain-hunters made of bones –

I trust they know what they are seeking...
Although deceased they know their stuff;
Despite their dribbling and leaking...
They're in their bestest bib and tucker;
They do stand out and they impress!
They're not much into conversation –

But hey they sure know how to dress!

If you are clumsy and they bite you –

Remember! The camera never ever lies!
You'll soon attract the TV news –

Not just a cloud of buzzy flies!

 

The gorgeous dead are coming!
They are looking rather swish!
All the others stink real bad –

Like offal, tripe or rotten fish.
But some undead prefer to use –

Some fancy foreign class cologne!
They will not hang out with a corpse –

Who'll drool and gurn or simply moan!

Folk should just compliment their look;

They ought to actually be proud;
Even those flies should dress up smart –

And no their buzz should not be loud.
When the dead hunt for your flesh –

Despite their age they still look swell!
Doused in the finest aftershave –

It does the job to hide the smell!


The gorgeous dead are coming!

They are looking kinda cool!
They buy their top hats from the best –

'Cos fashion sense is there best tool!
They stalk the streets, out on the hunt...
For some nice victims just to chew...
They won't get brains down their new clothes –

For there'll be trouble if they do!
They're not as scary as you think;
They are a tough hard-working bunch!
They only want a little friendship!
Before they take you out to lunch...
We forget they once were people –

They are the victims of neglect...

So let's pick up their fallen limbs –

And yes – also offer them respect!

 THE GORGEOUS DEAD is from Paul's next collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING - due out later this year. This post and all content is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2014.

SOMETHING FROM THE NEXT BOOK...

PLUS THE COVER - SO FAR...

Hello beasties!!

This week I want to talk a little about the projects that I'm currently working on. I would also like to share a poem from my forthcoming collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING... which is due out early in the new year.

So... Current projects... Well, there are rather a lot of them - I do a little work on each one every day, as I find this is the most interesting way of working. I know it sounds weird but I find I work better in short bursts... With my scripts I know what I have to write next as I've made detailed plans and I find that doing so in small sessions allows me to come fresh to the script - it works for me at any rate! You'd think that working on multiple projects at one time could be confusing - but I've never found it so - as I'm doing different things with different projects; some of it creative work - some of it re-writing and some of it commentary or formatting.

CURRENT PROJECTS 2014-2015

BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON 3

This is the third and penultimate season of my THE BEAST OF FRIENDS series. I'm at the stage where it's all written and I'm just doing checking and re-writes. I'm expecting to release this season early in the New Year.

BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON 4

Season 4 is also written and I've been tweaking and rewriting bits of it - mostly editing it down in length where the original first draft was a little rambling; however I don't expect to do very much more on it until Season 3 is published.

BEAST OF FRIENDS - MOVIE

I'd toyed with one day writing a "movie" version of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - but hadn't really thought about doing it quite so soon. In a way it's a good thing that this is now the case - whilst the characters are still fresh from having written seasons 3 and 4 during 2014... The trigger for me to begin work on the movie came about because I realised that I'd be in Venice for a week around the time of my birthday - with plenty of free-time to myself. I decided that a script inspired by 70s Italian giallo films would be something that I'd enjoy working on so I began to structure a plot. I'll be working on the bookending scenes of this and polish up the plots over the next few weeks and then hopefully by the time I get to Venice I will be ready to write the main story. The bookending scenes are set after the end of the series - where as the central element of the story is a "missing" adventure set somewhere towards the end of season 2.

HOT STUFF!! - SEASON 1

This is the first of the two BEAST OF FRIENDS spinoff series. I'm currently working on Script 7 of 8 of this first season, which features one of the BEAST regulars alongside a whole cast of different characters. That's all I'm going to say for now; except for saying that I'm currently killing off various members of the cast!

KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 1

This is the second of the two BEAST spinoffs and I am currently working on Script 5 of 8 of this first season which sees the return of a number of the BEAST regulars. There's a lot going on - including ghosties, reincarnation and vampire cows... Exciting, aye!?

A YETI WAY OF THINKING

This is my next collection of poems and stories - containing material written between Autumn 2012 and Summer 2014. I am currently working on formatting and writing the "behind the scenes" section of this book and I'm hoping that it will be available by Spring 2015.

POETIQUETTE - 10TH ANNIVERSARY

I am currently working on the 10th anniversary edition of my 8th collection, POETIQUETTE. I am adding photos, checking the text and updating the fact-files and commentary on this collection. This is the second of two books that I originally released in 2005, although the first of these - MUGSHOTS - was re-issued last month, a month or two early. It is the last of the original 8 reissues that I was keen to release which had never been available as stand-alone collections on www.lulu.com. It is possible that some of the later books will receive anniversary editions when their time comes - but not until, at least, 2016.

SHY YETI GOES WILD - EXPANDED

This project is pretty much just a twinkle in my eye at the moment. I have for sometime considered expanding my SHY YETI GOES WILD mini-collection from 2012, by adding more pre-existing animal poems to the mix. Having visited Antwerp Zoo on Saturday 18th October 2014 I came up with about a dozen titles for new animal poems which got me thinking again about this project again - keen to write some new pieces to go into the rejuvenated edition of this book. Having finished writing new material for A YETI WAY OF THINKING I currently have no new complete poems put aside for a follow-up collection - so this might be a fun project to consider for 2015. Let's see if any finished poems emerge from that list of titles!

THREE TAILS ARE BETTER THAN ONE

This is a new Mouse Of Commons project that has been in the pipe-line for a while. It contains three short stories - a novella - a two part adventure and an extended short story that were all written between 2006 and 2008, but which needed typing and putting into a book. It's a pretty exciting collection - with one of the stories taking place in Venice and another in Amsterdam - two cities that I have revisited during my holidays in 2014. I may be able to work some of the more recent photos in amongst the photos that I took back in the day. If all goes well then this will be available by late Summer 2015 - in time for the 15th anniversary of the Mouse Of Commons.

THE SPLINTERS OF TIME

This is the follow up to my last Mouse Of Commons novel GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE COUNTERCLOCKWISE CONUNDRUM... I've been working on it in slow time since that project was released a number of years ago and am currently about half way through completing it. That said I don't expect it to be completed until at least 2016.

VARIOUS COVERS

I've also been working on covers for some of these projects - most notably A YETI WAY OF THINKING (see above), but also for POETIQUETTE.



The piece at the end of this post was written in Amsterdam during this summer - which may or may not have influenced the title and subject matter! It's called SPACE-CAKES and I hope you enjoy it; it was one of the last poems written for A YETI WAY OF THINKING...

Let me remind you that we have a Halloween show coming up tomorrow - Friday, 31st October 2014 at The Poetry Café. It's the last of my shows for the year and should be a fun one. I'll be performing all my most monstrously daft and evil poems on the night, with John Smallshaw as my special guest. The show runs from about 19.30 until 21.30 with a break for refreshment somewhere along the way. There should be time for a few open-mike slots - so just come along if can - and pay whatever you can afford!

Next time we'll be looking at how things worked out on the night!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

PS... And yes, that is me on the right in the photo below - also the photo at the very end of the post! One of my friends has been raiding their photo albums from the past...

SPACE-CAKES

My space-cakes are from space...
They're carved from finest asteroid -
But from the softer chewy kind -
The type that Royalty might avoid...
You see they're full of tiny pips -
Which queens get stuck inside their throats -
They also irritate the bleats -
Of baby sheep and nanny goats...
You need to take a little care -
If you've not tasted them before...
It's best to sample just a pinch -
And I'd advise to eat them raw...
It's best to swallow them down whole -
And I'd suggest you wear a hat...
Because fresh space-cakes can be strong!
Best drunk with champagne when it's flat.

My space-cakes are from space -
They're made from little bits of rock...
That have been cooked inside a shoe -
With some old tissues and a sock...
Some folk will very likely frown -
But then perhaps they've got to learn...
That if you hate some flavours, then -
There is no need to cry nor gurn!
Why not just try a little more -
Maybe you'll win your taste-buds round...
The texture is a little strange -
But it's not soil from off the ground...
No, it's a magic kind of dust...
That comes from many miles away!
Ah, space-cakes are a special treat -
When served upon a silver tray...

My space-cakes are from space...
That jet black void so very vast;
If you do not secure a piece -
I fear my stocks ain't gonna last...
I am prepared to do a deal -
But I will not present it twice...
If you will give me forty winks -
Then I will offer you half price...
A dainty sliver of our prize...
Well, it is really very rich -
And over-dosing on the goods...
Can often leave you with a twitch...
An eerie odd after-effect that -
Leads to piles and pools of sick...
Though space cake's really very rare!
You might as well just eat a brick...

SPACE-CAKES appears in the forthcoming collection, A YETI WAY OF THINKING which is due to be published on www.lulu.com in Spring 2015. All content of this post is copyright Paul Chandler 2014