EXTRA! EXTRA! THERE IS NO APRIL FOOL LIKE A FURRY FOOL...

COMING UP IN APRIL - AN EXTRA BIT OF YETI...

Hello beasties!

Now don't quote me on it - but I may be posting more than once a week during April... I have quite a bit to share with you regarding my new script-novel, KENSINGTON GORE - but I've also written a few short prose pieces, a poem and an increasing number of yeti sketches... The rate that I am going at the moment if I only post once a week then I'll have enough posts to last well into June - and there are things that I know are happening in June that I need to post about then! At any rate, it also makes up for me nattering on about my next book when you may just prefer silliness instead.

I won't stop - but, as I say - I may well be back mid-week with a new poem about a cat; sooner rather than later!

Enjoy the daft yeti sketch! What HAS the yeti been up to now?

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx
 

SHY YETI IS AN APRIL FOOL...

In which Shy Yeti is an April Fool and it isn't even the first of the month...

The following extract is from a Police recording that was made on Saturday the 2nd of April 2016.

Wimbledon Police Station...

OFFICER: (all very officially)

Mr Yeti do you understand why you have been brought in for questioning today...

SHY: (sounding a little vague)

I believe that I have been accused of causing a disturbance...

OFFICER: (politely, but trying to hide his impatience)

May I request that you cease mumbling and speak more clearly into the microphone, please sir...

SHY: (apologetic)

So sorry! I was just polishing off a slice of fruit cake that your assistant provided with my cup of tea...

OFFICER: (disapproving, slightly sarcastically)

How ironic, considering your recent debacle at the local bakers - I would have thought you would have wanted to keep away from any species of pastries...

SHY: (surprised)

Why ever would I want to do that, officer?

OFFICER: (shaking his head, seriously)

I think that your actions rather speak for themselves, Mr Yeti... Have you ever considered re-hab?

SHY: (mutters)

Have you ever considered finishing school, officer? Your manners really are appalling!

OFFICER: (patiently)

It was not my intention to offend, sir... I only wished to point out that you might benefit from some manner of counselling or nasal awareness classes...

SHY: (confused, distracted)

Nasal what, now?

OFFICER: (gently)

I was merely attempting to point out that your nose does have a tendency to get you into trouble...

SHY: (dismissively)

I really have no idea what you're on about, officer...

OFFICER: (reading from his notes)

I have a report here from a Dr Magda from St George's, Tooting - it's dated 24th March 2016, less than two weeks ago... Do you have any idea what it might concern?

SHY:

Remind me...

OFFICER:

You had an emergency appointment with Dr Magda due to nasal congestion... When they examined you they found two cup cakes and a bouquet of daffodils...

SHY: (distant, dreamily)

Oh! But they smell so lovely at this time of year - I couldn't help myself... The flowers, I mean - I have no idea where the cupcakes came from, they were probably just snacks that I was keeping there for a rainy day; my nostrils are really quite large and perfect for the storage of such items.

OFFICER: (sighing before continuing)

That's as may be - only you never actually paid for the daffodils...

SHY: (somewhat patronisingly)

I believe I passed out, as it happens, officer... Of course I would be only too happy to reimburse the stall-holder for any trouble caused; perhaps he might consider keeping his wares behind bars or glass from now on... They are terribly yummy of smell - no wonder the bees can't resist them...

OFFICER: (equally as patronising in return) 

Have you never heard of self-control?

SHY: (playing stupid)

No indeed, what ever is it? A cologne?

OFFICER: (ignoring him and continuing)

I have another report here...

SHY: (jumping in, defensively)

If it's anything to do with the time I was found basking in a swimming pool of melted ice cream then I'd like to remind you that I was on property belonging to my good friend, Simon. You can ask Charlie Grrr, he was there...

OFFICER: (chuckling slightly)

Really, I wouldn't try using Mr Grrr as a character witness... His crimes to both food, fashion and music would probably stretch between here and the moon?

SHY: (misunderstanding and seeming quite enthused)

Really? You think so? I must tell him - he'll be so pleased! That must be some kind of record...

OFFICER: (appearing unmoved and simply continuing)

Most probably, yes... I think we should probably move on - we don't seem to be making much progress... Mr Yeti... May I ask if you have any recall of the events that have led to you being questioned here today?

SHY: (acting unsure)

At the Wimbledon bakery?

OFFICER: (nodding)

Indeed...

SHY: (thinking for a moment before replying)

Well... If I remember correctly I fell...slipped, even... into a large steak and mushroom pie as it was being taken out of the oven...

OFFICER: (genuinely concerned)

That must have been very hot!

SHY: (again misunderstanding)

Oh yes, very sexy - very sexy indeed...

OFFICER: (attempting to explain himself)

I was referring to the contents of the pie - was the gravy not bubbling from the heat?

SHY: (nodding thoughtfully)

A little, maybe - my fur protects me pretty well and I suppose I've become almost used to it now, over time...

OFFICER: (raising an eyebrow)

This is not the first time that this has happened, I presume?

SHY: (proudly)

You're right... In fact, it's become quite a party piece... Some years ago I even published a book on the subject... PIES AND PUDDINGS THAT I HAVE FALLEN INTO AND THE YETI WHO LOVE THEM...

OFFICER: (becoming curious)

It sounds enticing... So, might you have been researching for a second volume when you fell into this particular pie?

SHY: (slightly bashful)

Officer! REALLY!? I couldn't possibly comment...

OFFICER: (giving up slightly, keen to conclude)

Perhaps we should wrap this up now before it gets out of hand... I merely wish you to reassure me that you won't be entering, uninvited, into any bakeries in the near future... Can't you just order your baked pastry goods on line and get them delivered like normal people do?

SHY: (surprised)

I thought only posh people did that... 

OFFICER: (not meaning any offence)

Well, I would certainly describe you as seeming quite posh, sir...

SHY: (quite blasé)

That's just because I was sent to elocution lessons when I was little... Oh, and I washed my fur last night, so I probably smell quite nice, for a change...

OFFICER: (mumbling)

Indeed you do...

SHY: (yammering on)

So kind... What were we saying? Oh... Supermarkets... You were suggesting that I order my shopping online rather than visiting the bakery in person; I didn't realise that this was such a common practice! Don't most people still just go into the shop, dragging half their family of screaming bratlings, their siblings, their mother-in-law - maybe the post-man and occasionally the neighbour's dog along with them? 

OFFICER: (kindly)

It does seem that way sometimes, doesn't it, sir? It also sounds like as a good a reason as any to avoid the shops altogether...

SHY: (lowering his voice in confession)

Perhaps you're right... I admit... I do find myself terribly tempted by the smell of bubbling cherry juices or beef gravy...

OFFICER: (joking playfully)

Not both in the same pie, I hope, sir...

SHY: (laughing)

You eat your pies and I'll eat mine... 

OFFICER: (concluding)

This is what I've been saying all along... I'm so glad you finally see things my way, Mr Yeti...

SHY: (smiling, glancing at his watch)

Yes... Well, that's as maybe... Just don't judge... One person's weird flavour concoction is another's tipper-topper-most favourite... Please remember that?!

OFFICER: (cheekily)

I will, sir... Just as long as you remember to keep from falling into pies from now on...

SHY: (coyly)

I'll do my best... Except for any scheduled visits, as it were...

OFFICER: (nodding, then continuing - sounding slightly embarrassed)

Yes, well - as long as you don't let any of those incidents get out of hand... Thank you... Oh... Whilst I think of it... You wouldn't happen to have a copy of that book of yours that you mentioned earlier, would you? 

SHY:

PIES AND PUDDINGS THAT I HAVE FALLEN INTO AND THE YETI WHO LOVE THEM?

OFFICER: (delicately)

That's the one... It's just that I have a... friend... who I think might find it quite enticing...

SHY: (quite pleased by the interest)

I'm sure I can find a copy for you... I'll even sign it for... your friend, officer... Who should I sign it to?

OFFICER: (slightly flustered)

PC George Furguson... I mean,.. Just George will do...

SHY:

Fabulous! Oh... Excuse me now... I think I might be about to sneeze... Ah... Ahhhh... Ahh chooo!!

THE OFFICER ATTEMPTS TO DUCK, BUT IS NOT QUICK ENOUGH... WHAT APPEARS TO BE A LARGE MUSHROOM SHOOTS FROM SHY'S NOSE AND HITS THE OFFICER RIGHT IN THE FACE... HE SEEMS MORE SHOCKED THAN HURT!

SHY: (apologetic)

Oh! I'm terribly sorry... I didn't get you in the eye, did I?

OFFICER: (brushing himself down)

No... No... That's fine... I'm fine! Would you like it back?

SHY: (slightly unsure)

I wouldn't mind... It must have got lodged there when I fell in the pie, back at the bakery... I suppose, strictly speaking, I've not paid for it... Do you think I should return it?

OFFICER: (a little awkwardly - getting to his feet)

I'm sure they won't mind if you kept it; considering where it's been for the last few hours! (he hands it back, quickly) I guess you could call it a form of payment, at any rate - it will probably have been good for business for the bakery to have had such a celebrity falling into one of their pies...

SHY: (all very innocent)

A celebrity? Who? Me? Oh, you are kind... Well, I better be going... I won't forget to send you that book, George old chap... So sorry about the whole sneezing business... Enjoy the rest of your day!

WITH THAT SHY YETI PUTS HIS COAT BACK ON, GIVES A MERRY LITTLE SALUTE AND HEADS OFF ON HIS WAY... ONCE THE YETI HAS GONE THE OFFICER PICKS UP THE PHONE AND THEN DIALS - IT DOESN'T TAKE LONG FOR SOMEONE TO ANSWER THE CALL...

OFFICER: (enthusiastically)

Bobby! It's me! You'll never guess who I just got sneezed on by! That SHY YETI... Yes! A mushroom shot out of one of his nostrils and hit me squarely in the eye! I can barely see! Still, it was kind of amazing, in a way... Exciting, even! I brought him in for questioning after an incident at the bakery - he claimed to have slipped into one of their pies... What do you mean you don't know who Shy Yeti is... Where have you been all your life? You know what, Bobby... I don't know why I bother with you sometimes... Really, I don't...

THE END...

PARTING NOTE:

Hello again beasties! Thank you for reading! Fact fans might like to know that I did actually sneeze just after writing the bit where Shy Yeti sneezes; thankfully a big mushroom did not shoot out of my nose... I think it was a stalk of broccoli on this occasion! Anyway! This piece was written in two sittings - on the train and during a break at work on Friday 1st April 2016, with a little re-working done just before it was posted. As promised, I'll be back some time in the week - with one post or other... Bye for now! Paul xx 

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

A MOVING (TRUE) STORY!?!

SHY YETI WRITES A MUSICAL: A SKETCH...

Hello beasties!

...And now, this week - in place of the originally scheduled blog-post we share with you now a true story - it's not an April Fool at all, I promise - it's a true story, presented as a sketch - and it goes a little like this...

Picture the scene...

*SHY YETI WAITS PATIENTLY IN THE RECEPTION AREA OF LORDS AND LADIES THEATRICAL PUBLISHINGS SONS AND CO LIMITED*

RECEPTIONIST: (politely)

You can go in, sir... Mr Lords will see you now!

SHY YETI: (sincerely)

Thank you... Thank you most kindly.

*SHY YETI GETS TO HIS PAWS AND THEN ENTERS THE OFFICE... MR LORDS, A RATHER LARGE GENTLEMAN DRESSED AS A SHOW GIRL SITS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE*

MR LORDS: (almost too enthusiastically)

Ah! Mr Yeti, I presume... How delightful to meet you...

SHY YETI: (irritatingly keen)

No... No... It's my pleasure - really it is...

MR LORDS:

I know... Listen now... You may be wondering why I've called you here... Well, I'd be happy to explain... You see, you have been highly recommended to me by my good friend, Charlie Grrr... We are in desperate need of a big new West End musical and apparently you are the one to speak to when an idea is required in double-quick time... We need something that is already written and that can go to stage within the next few weeks - our original option has completely fallen through... Charlie tells me that you've got hundreds of unwritten plays and musicals stored away for potential use...

SHY YETI: (relaxing finally)

Good gracious! So that's it... I do, indeed... For a minute there I thought you'd called me in to catalogue a book or hypnotise a pensioner or something... I got in terrible trouble the last time I tried that... I didn't mean any harm, only her pet Spaniel was complaining that their owner was snoring too loudly... That poor lady... She spent the rest of her days thinking that she was a Glam-rock star... of course, the upside was that she did pretty well on the 70s revival circuit... Anyway, it's a relief...

 

MR LORDS: (trying not to lose patience)

 

Yes, well - I can see how it probably would be... Most distressing... Anyway... Moving on... Do you think you can help me? You'll be well paid, of course - all the pies you can eat and then more...

 

SHY YETI: (happy to help)

 

Sure! Sure! Charlie was right, yes - it is true about my store of ready written scripts... I'm pretty confident that I have something that you'll be able to use - I really am full of ideas - the only thing is...

MR LORDS: (sympathetically)

A lot of your ideas are extremely silly!?

SHY YETI: (surprised but agreeing)

Well, yes... If not extremely silly then most certainly ever-so daft... How did you know?

MR LORDS:

Mr Charlie did warn us that this might be the case - but he suggested that there might be something more appropriate for our purposes if you took something that you have meticulously listed in your notebook of finished musical scripts based on slightly dull ideas...

SHY YETI: (brightening)

Why... Why, yes - I suppose I could do that...

*SHY YETI TAKES OUT HIS BRIEFCASE, WHICH HE WASN'T CARRYING EARLIER, BUT WHICH HE NOW APPEARS TO HAVE WITH HIM... HE OPENS IT UP AND TAKES OUT A LITTLE NOTE-BOOK WHICH IS, INDEED, ENTITLED "FINISHED MUSICAL SCRIPTS BASED ON SLIGHTLY DULL IDEAS..."*

MR LORDS: (with encouragement)

Please Yeti... Do share some of these more ordinary thoughts with me, if you will...

SHY YETI: (becoming quite excitable)

Certainly, Mr Lords - I'd be glad to... But are you sure you really want a slightly dull idea? I wrote a champion synopsis for a musical the other week... My solitary concern being that it's a bit similar to "Cats", only my script is about badgers... Badgers who talk - sing - work in supermarkets - have heart-breaks and occasionally embezzle company funds before taking long holidays skiing in Switzerland...

MR LORDS: (kindly)

It does sound very interesting, Mr Yeti - but I still think I'd prefer to see one of your duller ideas...

SHY YETI: (reluctantly at first)

Oh... Very well... So, I have one here all about commuters waiting for their trains to arrive...

MR LORDS: (mutters)

Blimey... That IS dull...

SHY YETI: (slightly indignantly)

Well, that is what you asked for...

MR LORDS: (doubtful)

Yes... Yes... Fair enough... But is that it? Just commuters - standing there...

SHY YETI: (trying to give it some spin)

Well, they are all quite different - the characters, I mean... One of them is a chiropodist...

MR LORDS: (sounding more interested)

Oh yes? A chiropodist, you say - well, I must admit that this is beginning to sound quite promising...

SHY YETI: (beaming)

The big twist is that their trains are delayed...

MR LORDS:

Ah yes... I imagine there are all manner of songs that can be written concerning the trauma of delayed trains... What happens then? Do some of the commuters fall in love?

SHY YETI: (slightly apologetically)

Alas, no... Their trains never come and they eventually die on the platform and are pecked to pieces by hungry seagulls... It's all pretty tragic when you think about it - I had envisaged it as a comedy...

MR LORDS: (beginning to change his mind)

Well, of course... It all sounds very interesting - but maybe just a tad ambitious...

SHY YETI: (nodding as he reflects)

Well, I'll admit that the last ten minutes when the aliens invade could be a bit on the expensive side to stage...

MR LORDS: (moving on, slightly impatiently)

Yes, indeed - and I'm not sure it's for us... I'm sorry... Would you have something else, perhaps?

SHY YETI: (trying to remain positive)

Of course... Well, this one might suit you... It's pretty dull, which I know is what you are looking for...

MR LORDS: (retaining a fixed smile)

Absolutely! So, what exactly does it concern, Yeti?

SHY YETI:

Coffee... Coffee shops, actually... Well, a café I suppose you could say... It sells some delicious tortilla and the odd scone or two - has very nice flowers on every table...

MR LORDS:

That sounds more like set design than a plot description...

SHY YETI:

Well yes - although I take it that you don't require TOO much plot...

MR LORDS: (glancing down at his specification notes)

Some plot, yes - within reason - it's a delicate balance...

SHY YETI: (continuing to detail the background)

Well, this musical involves a gentleman who visits a coffee shop for three weeks during a change in his normal routine... This new coffee shop is very efficient, very polite and they always remember his order...

MR LORDS: (hopeful)

How splendid!...And do they sing some nice songs too?

SHY YETI: (sounding quite proud)

One or two, yes... There's a whole ten minute sequence where all the cast dress as lattes and dance with some life-sized Danish pastries...

MR LORDS: (his enthusiasm is beginning to be tested)

Riiiiiggggghhhhtttt... And then?

SHY YETI: (confidently, then nervously after the pause)

At the end of the three weeks the gentleman decides that he must tell the couple who run the café that he won't be coming back because... he is no longer robbing houses in that district...

MR LORDS: (shocked)

Doing WHAT!? He's a criminal? I thought he was a business man or somesuch...

SHY YETI: (gingerly)

Oh no... He is definitely a cat burglar... Actually, a cannibalistic telepathic cat burglar from Mars - but you needn't focus too closely on all that if it doesn't sit well with you...

   

MR LORDS: (sounding desperate)

Oh dear - really - I do think it's perhaps a little ambitious for West End tastes... I'd like to suggest a rewrite, but we need something ready to go, we just don't have the time... Please, Yeti - you are our last hope here... Might you have something a little more... sedate?

*SHY YETI FLICKS THROUGH HIS LITTLE BOOK OF SLIGHTLY DULL IDEAS AND STOPS SOMEWHERE NEAR THE BACK - LOOKING THOUGHTFUL BEFORE HE SPEAKS*

SHY YETI: (speaking slowly, delicately)

I have one here about a lady who doesn't celebrate major religious holidays...

MR LORDS: (concerned)

Is she from Mars, this lady? Does she eat people or steal from them?

SHY YETI: (positively)

Not in any draft that I've written, she's not - I can assure you of that...

MR LORDS: (worried)

I'm happy to hear it, quite frankly... So, what does she do, exactly? Just sit there and do the crossword whilst not celebrating any major religious holidays?

SHY YETI: (waffling on)

That's right... Yes... She watches the news and makes a sandwich just before the interval and then speaks to her mother on the phone during the second half... Oh, and obviously it's a musical - so she occasionally hums and also sings as she puts together a shopping list; although to be fair her ability to hold a tune is no great shakes, but you can't have everything now, can you?

MR LORDS: (calmer having heard all this)

Well no, no - I suppose not... So, that's it... There's nothing you haven't told me about the plot?

SHY YETI:

Well no, no - I don't think so... Oh... Except she has flashbacks - the lady, I mean - her name is Stanley, by the way...

MR LORDS:

Right... And these flashbacks?

SHY YETI:

Take her back to her childhood when she accidentally poisoned the nanny with an off fish-finger and then set fire to a nun... Oh, and she shoots a vicar in the very last act - but he forgives her before he dies... Only the aliens DON'T forgive her and the earth is destroyed in a terrible cycling accident...

 

MR LORDS: (relieved)
 

Right... Well... That all sounds fine to me, I was just worried it was going to be another one of your daft ideas...

SHY YETI: (chirpily)

No... No... Not at all... I kept that one pretty simple... I call it EVERYDAY IS THE SAME - A STORY OF LONELINESS...

MR LORDS: (airily)

You wouldn't mind if we retitled it TITS, would you? It's just that we need something short and punchy to draw an audience in...

SHY YETI: (lightly)

No... Sure... That's fine... I think it still sums up the basic ethos of the piece...

MR LORDS: (very pleased)

Yes... I agree... Well, that's marvellous, Yeti! I think we can do business! Let's shake on it...

*SHY YETI DOES A LITTLE DANCE AND THE WHOLE WORLD APPLAUDS... SADLY SOME ALIENS DESTROY THE EARTH BY BELCHING TOO LOUDLY AND SO, ALAS, "TITS" NEVER GETS PERFORMED AFTER-ALL...*

A moving story, I think you'll all agree... Anyway, next week I'll either be sharing with you a new poem or discussing something entirely different... We'll see! Exciting, isn't it?

More soon!

Paul xx

P.S. Although I took the photos I would like to thank Toby for making the scrumptious food that appears in them. *drools a bit* Oh, sorry...

This post and all contents are copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

NEW PROSE: I AM NOT A FAN OF THE METAPHOR...

...IS THIS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!?!

Hello beasties!

This week I have a new prose piece for you, but firstly I'd like to remind you that I published a new book last week; for those of you who didn't see the details then they are as follows:

A YETI WAY OF THINKING contains over 80 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between Autumn 2012 and Summer 2014. They include: ARE THEY AWARE I’M A WEREWOLF?, GIN GOBLINS, INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, I USED TO BE A TEN, MYSTERY HEN, ONION MAN, PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS, TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI, YOU’LL DO and many more…

Pbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18213326 £8.99

Hbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18214369 £14.99

Last week I explained a bit about what my new prose piece was going to be about, but in case you missed it, I said:

"It's all about how metaphors spoil the fun... What do I mean? Well, like when people say that vampires, for instance - are a metaphor for - I dunno... the state of politics in China or something... That's all very well, but for me it sort of spoils the idea that the vampires are blood-sucking killers that want to drink your blood. It's a bit like saying that vampires in themselves are a bit childish and can't be enjoyed on their own merit, so we have to dress it up with more adult themes to legitimise writing about them; in fact a lot of horror, sci-fi and fantasy seems to be viewed that way and it's blumin' annoying! I like to put different layers to my writing - but not so much so that I'm trying to write about something else. If I want to write about Chinese politics then I'll just do that and not bother with the vampires - not unless they're Chinese vampire politicians; now you're talking!

Anyway, enough of me waffling about this - but just so you have a heads up about what my new piece of prose is about... Of course, writing about metaphors is probably just a metaphor for something else... Goodness knows what, though!"

Sorry, that was a bit of a long re-cap... Anyway, I hope you see what I'm getting at now! Hey... Don't go before you've read it! It'll be fun, I promise!

Next week it's Easter and I intend to share with you my first new poem in a while. The week after that we'll start looking at something new that I intend to publish next month - it's the first season script-book of KENSINGTON GORE... I'll be looking at the characters and the plots over a two-week period and then maybe sharing a few behind-the-scenes photos to promote the book that I took up on Wimbledon Common this week. Following that I'll finally be releasing the script-book; hopefully I'll have an exact date soon...

Enjoy the new prose piece and be back here next week, please! Same time - same place! Probably...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

I AM NOT A FAN OF THE METAPHOR...

Let me be blunt...
I am not a fan of the metaphor...

Sure, it can be clever sometimes -
But ultimately nobody likes a smart alec...
Don't dress up the story as something it isn't...
If you want to tell tales of politics and moonbeams, then do...
Just don't spoil our stories by muddling them with yours...
There's no easy way to say this, but - we're here for the monsters!
For yes, it is when the metaphor entwines with fantasy,
With science-fiction or horror that they spoil things the most...
They turn up like a bad smell in the breeze...
Like that killjoy, Scrooge - or some unwanted party pooper;
Keen to remind the consumer that all they witnessed was but a mirage...
It is often just a vaguely pretentious way of making a point;
Of telling dull stories so they can be sold to we simple minded folk...
"Make it easier to understand... Stick a wig on it; say it came from Mars!"
Those man-eating aliens in that new film actually represent the red peril...
Those blood-sucking vampires you saw on television last night...
Well, they're actually an allusion used to illustrate -
The onset of man-flu in Bognor Regis during the 1920s...
All that talk about zombies - all that constant, brain-dead chitter-chat...
It's just a coded way of addressing what scientists perceive as...
The on-going plight of all teenagers with unsightly dandruff...
If you're going to share a humourless piece of prose, then do so -
But be literal - say what you see...
Take life at face-value and don't hide behind subtext...
Leave the spooky, scary, scaly beasts to those who appreciate them...
They are a glitter and a glamour that your story does not deserve...
Let us enjoy those werewolves for the fiends they truly are...
We are unafraid of their motives - we know what they represent to us...
They are they creepy-crawling terrors of midnight -
So please, just allow them to be what they will be...

Appearances can be deceptive...
Only let's not make them metaphorical as well, ok?!

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

AT LAST... (WE REALLY MEAN IT TOO!)

A YETI WAY OF THINKING...
IS OUT!!

Hello beasties!

It's only been almost 4 years in the making...

A YETI WAY OF THINKING contains over 80 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between Autumn 2012 and Summer 2014. They include: ARE THEY AWARE I’M A WEREWOLF?, GIN GOBLINS, INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, I USED TO BE A TEN, MYSTERY HEN, ONION MAN, PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS, TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI, YOU’LL DO and many more…

Pbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18213326 £8.99

Hbk: http://www.lulu.com/content/hardcover-book/a-yeti-way-of-thinking/18214369 £14.99

To end this post I'm also going to share with you one of the pieces from the book that I've not yet shared online... It's called SANDY FROM THE FUTURE and it was written in August 2013, during my most recent trip to Portland, Oregon as part of my 40th birthday celebrations. Thinking back I think the title of this piece came from a conversation that we had in a bar near where we were staying. I think it was one of those times that you mishear somebody and I commented that it sounded like a song-title and from there the poetic cogs started working. Originally, in the first draft, there were more mentions of the city - but as there were a few other pieces that I wrote during that trip the only American reference that I left in was the name of one of their supermarket chains, Target - which I visited out there. Here is the link to the original diary post that I wrote at the time: http://www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013_09_01_archive.html

Reading SANDY back now, having not done so for some time - I would say that it is certainly a very Chandler-ish rhyme, with the familiar rhythm that I've used in a lot of my pieces. Regular readers will know that due to focusing on my script-books I've not really written any new poems since early 2015, although I have been posting short prose pieces here on the blog... Maybe I'll get back into writing poems again - I'm sure I will, but it does feel like a good time to take a little break - having written poetry almost without a break between late 2001 and early 2015. I've got plenty of unfinished pieces that I can return to and I still note down new titles whenever they come to me, which is often. That said, even if I never write another poem for 100 years - I still have more than enough material to perform and I still enjoy doing that a couple of times a year; meeting other poets and performers... I'd love to do more - but the poetry world is a funny place and I don't really have time when I'm working to do open-mike on a regular basis, although it would be lovely to do more guest-spots as I have on a number of occasions both in the UK and overseas.

Anyway, moving on - you can find SANDY FROM THE FUTURE at the end of this post...

Hopefully it won't be long before I'll be announcing a date for a poetry show to celebrate the release of this new collection...

Next time I have a new piece of prose, to share with you... It's all about how metaphors spoil the fun... What do I mean? Well, like when people say that vampires, for instance - are a metaphor for - I dunno... the state of politics in China or something... That's all very well, but for me it spoils the idea that the vampires are blood-sucking killers that want to drink your blood. It's a bit like saying that vampires in themselves are a bit childish and can't be enjoyed on their own merit, so we have to dress it up with more adult themes to legitimise writing about them. In fact a lot of horror, sci-fi and fantasy seem to be viewed that way and it's blumin' annoying! I mean, I like to put different layers to my writing - but not so much so that I'm trying to write about something else. If I want to write about Chinese politics then I'll just do that and not bother with the vampires - not unless they're Chinese vampire politicians; now you're talking!

Anyway, enough of me waffling about this - but just so you have a heads up about what my new piece of prose is about... Of course, writing about metaphors is probably just a metaphor for something else... Goodness knows what, though!

Oh, and before I go I've put an update on the projects I'm currently working on - I'll probably include that every month or so, so you can see how things are progressing.

More soon!

Yeti hugs...

Paul xx

SHY YETI PROJECTS UPDATE - MARCH 2016:

Books ready for publishing:

A YETI WAY OF THINKING, KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 1 

Books in formatting: 

HOT STUFF - 2, KENSINGTON GORE - 2, BEAST OF FRIENDS - MOVIE

Books awaiting formatting: 

HOT STUFF - SEASON 3

Books currently being written:

HOT STUFF - SEASON 4, KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 3

Pending projects: 

The next Mouse Of Commons book of short stories and novel

Future projects: 

The next collection of poems/stories based on pieces posted on the blog.

Books published in 2016, so far: 

HOT STUFF - SEASON 1

SANDY FROM THE FUTURE


I just saw Sandy from the future!
She was in the Vintage shop...
She was dressed like Mata Hari –

Applying lipstick to a Cop!
In a home-made tie-dye blouse –

Made from the dust of shooting stars.
She plugs herself into the Net –

Hangs out with drag queens in the bars.
Her beehive do's a hologram –

And on her birthday it will sing!
Looks like it's made from candy floss!
May just be squirted silly string!
She really likes our retro look –

She dresses like it's Eighty Three!
Back when such styles were all the rage –

Back when she first met you and me. 

I just saw Sandy from the future!
She teleported into land –

Just outside a branch of Target –

I'm told she formed herself a band!
With a spaceman on guitar –

A Cyclops on the saxophone...
A giant playing on the drums –

Although he's not quite fully grown!
They all travel round the town –

Inside a large robotic bear...
They often sing off-colour tunes –

Which have a certain lack of flair!
She tries to keep us all informed!
It gives her certain peace of mind!
To say the future's quite bizarre –

Is accurate, but not unkind!  

I just saw Sandy from the future!
The time has come; she must return!
Forward to the 42nd century –

There's so much more I hoped to learn!
But she'll be back one of these days –

When she has news she must impart!
When she has fashion tips to share –

Or needs to mend some broken heart!
I know she knows so very much...
But I'm too afraid to ever ask!
In case I learn some future secret –

And find myself taken to task!
She plans on keeping close in touch!
Although the times just move so fast!
But Sandy sees it as her job...
Life in the future AND the past!

SANDY FROM THE FUTURE appears in the book A YETI WAY OF THINKING, OUT NOW!! This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. Thanks also to Toby W for all the Deeley photos in this post and to Deeley for allowing him to take them!

WE ARE ALL ABOUT THE PROSE!!

A YETI WAY OF THINKING... THE PROSE!

Hello beasties!

This time, a week before I release A YETI WAY OF THINKING, I'm going to tell you some more about the new collection...  On this occasion we'll be focusing on the prose pieces in the book.

A YETI WAY OF THINKING contains over 80 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between Autumn 2012 and Summer 2014. They include: ARE THEY AWARE I’M A WEREWOLF?, GIN GOBLINS, INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, I USED TO BE A TEN, MYSTERY HEN, ONION MAN, PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS, TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI, YOU’LL DO and many more…

ALL A BIT NUTS...

There are weird people all around us - but sometimes those weird people are also ourselves and we never even noticed!

ALMOST GONE...

Time is passing and warmth is fleeting... Love is fading... Life is gone...

AN APE EXCHANGE...

This piece was inspired by a visit to Antwerp Zoo, where the toddlers were noisier and far more annoying than the monkeys in their cages.

BADGER...

Written for somebody I know who I nick-named "Badger"; this was written during a sad time when I thought we would no longer be seeing one another... Happily that was not to be the case - far from it!

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE...

Beauty and the preservation of it is a tricky subject - but there are many ways to do so; not all of them are to be recommended.

CHECK UP, CHECK OUT...

A visit to the surgery takes an unexpected turn...

CREATIVELY PROMISCUOUS...

This is not a tempestuous love story - but it does involve jealousies and intrigue just like one...

A CULT FOLLOWING...

This piece considers the subject of "cult followings" in my typically bizarre manner.

EIGHT SUPER LITTLE PILLS...

Every morning the character in this piece takes eight little pills which have a very peculiar effect on him! This is his story...

THE FLIRT...

The whole world loves a flirt - except when they turn out to be a little disturbing like the one in this piece...

GAME PLAN...

The story of an entertainer with a "game plan", who despite his past always seems to keep bouncing back!

A HARMLESS PRANK...

This is a story about a childish game that takes a rather curious turn...

HIS CHRISTMAS CARDS...

This piece tells the tale of a man who takes the number of Christmas cards that he receives each year extremely seriously.

THE ICE IN MY GLASS...

Ice is a very useful commodity - it's not just there to refresh your drink...

AN IDEAL WORLD...

People have different dreams - and some people's dreams are another person's nightmare... 

IF ONLY...

Infatuation is a very powerful emotion - but there are many ways to deal with one's obsession...

INFORMATION IS A WONDERFUL THING...

It's amazing what a lot you can achieve with just a little information - as this story clearly demonstrates.

IN MEMORY OF...

The transcript of a memorial to a very important man - delivered to the mourners by another very important man... 

IT’S NOT SAFE TO GO OUTSIDE...

Sometimes holding on to the people that you love can back-fire on you - especially when you try to scare them into staying in one place...

JUST ONE DAY (BEING YOU)...

What would it be like to be another person for just one day... Read this and maybe you will find out...

KOFFIE HUIS DE HOEK...

This story is about somebody spending their last hours of freedom at their favourite café - a café of the same name exists in Amsterdam and is where the piece was written back in late June 2014.

MAKE ALL APPLAUSE COUNT...

This piece was inspired by me considering how the audience's applause is also preserved for posterity on the live recordings of famous live albums or performances.

MAN, MANHANDLED...

This piece is a prose retelling of a poem that I wrote many years ago... It is about a rock star whose groupies have, quite literally, worn him down.

THE MORNING AFTER HALLOWEEN...

Halloween is often a day to remember - but it is the morning after Halloween that is really a time to be looking out for bizarre goings-on.

THE ONE...

Sometimes when you meet the person who is "The One" you have to go to all sorts of crazy lengths to make sure that you don't lose them... It is times such as these that a cellar can come in very handy!

ONE LAST NIGHT...

Tonight a man retires from his one true passion - but his wife is sceptical that he can really do so...

A PERFECT CASE FOR CHARITY...

Being rich does not always make one generous... This one really isn't that easy to explain without giving too much away!

POLLEN SEASON...

Nobody likes to fall victim to a high pollen count - but some problems are bigger than others... 

RUNNING ON EMPTY...

Thoughts on my own sudden visit to hospital during June 2013; written whilst I was there.

A SPIDER IN THE BATH...

This is the strange tale of a man who mistakes a piece of belly button fluff for a spider... But he is wrong... Things are never quite what they first appear to be!

THE STUPIDITY OF BIRDS (A FLIGHT OF FANCY)...

Some birds can be really, really stupid - there's no denying it. I came up with this one whilst I was wondering around Madrid Zoo in June 2014. It was one of the last pieces written for this collection.

TALKING WITH ANIMALS...

Tessa is a cat owner - but in her head she invents individual personalities for her beloved pets; but there may well be more to all this than Tessa ever imagined...

TEN INCHES...

This piece is only as dirty as your mind... So in my mind this piece is absolutely filthy... Just saying.

TINSEL...

This piece was written for my blog for Christmas 2013; it's a creepy one and may make you decide never to decorate your house at this time of year ever again!

Next week, on Monday 14th March 2016, the big day will have arrived and A YETI WAY OF THINKING will finally be released; my first new collection since NOT AS SHY AS I WAS in November 2013, some two and a half years ago.

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. A YETI WAY OF THINKING is released on Monday 14th March 2016.

WE ARE ALL ABOUT THE POETRY...

A YETI WAY OF THINKING... THE POEMS!

Hello beasties!

This week, a week or two in advance of releasing the new book I'm going to tell you a little more about it!  This post we'll be focusing on the poems in this collection. There are quite a few silly ones - but I'm pretty sure that this won't be too much of a surprise to anyone!
 

A YETI WAY OF THINKING contains over 80 new poems, stories and vignettes by Paul Chandler, a.k.a. Shy Yeti, written between Autumn 2012 and Summer 2014. They include: ARE THEY AWARE I’M A WEREWOLF?, GIN GOBLINS, INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS, I USED TO BE A TEN, MYSTERY HEN, ONION MAN, PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS, TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI, YOU’LL DO and many more…

THE ANSWER’S NO...

Some people just won't take no for an answer - this poem tries to re-iterate what needs to be said!

ARE THEY AWARE I’M A WEREWOLF?

One of my dafter poems about life as a werewolf...

AUGUSTUS THE TRUSTY GUIDANCE PIG...

This one is even dafter still - about a pig called Augustus. It was inspired by some graffiti that I saw on a wall in Venice.

THE BALLAD OF BURT AND GRIS...

This poem was inspired by the relationship between a dog and a guinea-pig who I met during a visit to Portland, Oregon in the Summer of 2013.

BORN WITHOUT A FUNNY BONE...

This is poem was very nearly the "title track" of this collection and is about people who seem to have no sense of humour.

CEDRIC THE CEREAL KILLER...

This is about a completely different type of killer - not a serial killer but a... yeah... okay. I'll fetch my coat!

DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH ME?

It's a love-song... Of sorts... So do you?

THE DREADED LURGY...

The dreaded lurgy isn't something that you want to be getting too close to...

ENOUGH OF YOUR SAUCE...

Cheekiness is not always a desirable trait... although over time it may grow on one!!

FRIDAY THE 13^TH (MY FAVOURITE DAY)...

Friday The Thirteenth is a day that most people like to avoid - but the narrator of this piece seems to like that day very much.

GERIATRIC MERMAID...

What becomes of a mermaid when she's no longer a spring chicken and once her looks are fading?

GIN GOBLINS...

This one is about goblins... who drink gin. Simple, aye?

THE GORGEOUS DEAD...

A play on the phrase "the glorious dead", an extremely silly piece about the dead rising, but still wanting to look nice! Not the only zombie-related piece in this collection either!

GRANNY ATE MY AFTER-BIRTH...

This is the other poem that nearly ended up as the "title piece" of this collection - it was perhaps a little gross to ever be that; but for a while it was very close! The title says all you really need to know about the subject... 

HANGING OUT IN GRAVEYARDS WITH MY SWEETHEART...

A slightly sinister and macabre verse about time spent with a loved one among the gravestones.

A HAPPY YETI HOWL...

Every Shy Yeti poetry collection needs a few ditties name-dropping the yeti - and this is one of those; it trumpets the magic properties of the yeti's own very individual howl!

AN IDIOT IN LOVE...

This one is all about idiots... in love... There are a fair few of them out there, you know!

INFAMY AND CURRANT BUNS...

This one would make a good title for my autobiography! Surprise! Surprise! It's another nonsense piece...

IN PLACE OF A HEART...

This is a slightly surreal piece about feeling numb when all around you appear to be deeply in love.

IT ONLY TAKES A MOUSE TO SNEEZE...

This one came from a conversation that I was having with a colleague... I think we were talking about the trains and I said "It only takes a mouse to sneeze and they break down..." Then I thought... "Oooh! That would make a good title for a poem..." and I began working on one! It's pretty silly!

I USED TO BE A TEN...

This one's all about how your desirability rating may well begin to drop as one gets older; as in "I used to be a ten out of ten, but now I rate about a five..." Silly, sarcastic and slightly cruel.

THE LOCH NESS HAMSTER...

This one came about after I'd been on a boat on Loch Ness and was making some short "Vine" videos; the hamster idea came from that and from playing about with words. 

LOVED FOR WHAT YOU’RE NOT...

A verse about those who are loved for a version of themselves that is all merely a pretence...

MY BACON-FLAVOURED BABY...

Just so you know - I'm not saying that babies taste like bacon... They might do, but I've never tried one. It's probably best not to... That doesn't stop me writing a rather daft poem on the subject though.

MY NEW YEAR HANGOVER...

This piece is about the day after New Year's Eve and also about the end of a relationship...

MYSTERY HEN...

This piece was inspired by a metal hen ornament that I met when I was in holiday in the Lake District back in 2013 - when the holiday came to an end I felt I really ought to write a poem about him!

ON FIRST NAME TERMS WITH LOVE...

This is one of those poems where the title came first and then I wrote what was inspired by it...

ONION MAN...

Onion Man features on the back cover of the book and was the one character from this collection that I had an illustration of - so he also appears on a number of t-shirts too. The actual theme of the poem? It's about a man who has many layers... like an onion. Is it symbolic? If you want it to be... I'd rather imagine a man with a big onion for a head; isn't that far more creepy and fun?

PICCADILLY IS A RUBBISH CIRCUS...

One of my favourite pieces from this collection... It is one of the most performed in this book and also one that I made a video to accompany it.

SANDY FROM THE FUTURE...

This is one that I intend to post when the book is published; it was inspired by mishearing a conversation whilst in Portland, Oregon back in the summer of 2013. It is about a character called Sandy who appears to be a time-traveller and how she interacts with the narrator of the piece.

SASSY MISS SASQUATCH...

One of my many yeti-based poems - although this one is about the variety of yeti known as a Sasquatch. I'm not sure how different they actually are, but there you go...

THE SAVAGES OF WESTMINSTER...

Who could I be referring to? There are just so many savages in the halls of Westminster - civil servants and politicians alike... What on earth are the poor electorate to make of it all!?

SCABBY DONKEY...

I heard the phrase "I could eat a scabby donkey between two mattresses, I'm so hungry..." on an episode of Coronation Street and decided that I needed to write something silly using it.

THE SEX LIVES OF (EVIL) WITCHES...

The title of this one says quite enough about this piece - as you can imagine, it's not entirely serious!

SHORT-SLEEVED BEE SUIT...

This was inspired by a bizarre conversation with a young fellow named Nathan... Yes, it's another daft one!

SOMETIMES A HUG IS ENOUGH...

This is another piece where the title says it all, really... Yay for hugs! It's one that I posted on the blog a couple of weeks back.

SPACE-CAKES...

This one was written in Amsterdam, although rather than being about illegal substances it's more a play on the phrase, literally cakes from space - perhaps made from an asteroid.

SUICIDAL PIGEON...

An ode to a suicidal looking pigeon as seen on a railway line near Watford in the summer of 2013!

TWO VAMPIRE HUNTING YETI...

This one was inspired by exploring Bushy Park in the Winter of 2012 - I also recorded a video for this one. Some of the work for it was done during one of my many trips to Venice.

UNTIL THE COWS ALL COME HOME...

A piece that encourages the reader to do as they please until the cows return - for once they are back you may not get such freedoms!

WE’RE ALL STARS TODAY...

This one came from a suggestion that I saw on Twitter for World Poetry Day in October 2012 (or some such) encouraging poets to write a piece with the word "stars" as a starting point. Of course - when I think of stars I think of how it is a word used to describe famous people. It took me almost a year to write as I kept coming back to it to write a line here or there and so I never submitted it officially, deciding to keep it for this collection instead. It was eventually performed at my 40th birthday show in November 2013.

WHEN THE SINGER LOST HER SONG...

A poem about a singer who loses, not only, her voice - but actually the song itself which she herself usually sings...

A YETI WAY OF THINKING...

This is the poem after which this collection is named - one of three possible titles that I considered. It's another yeti-themed piece too, of course!

YOU’LL DO...

Another favourite of mine from this new volume. It received its live debut as The Poetry Café during my 40th birthday show to celebrate the publication of NOT AS SHY AS I WAS in November 2013.

YOU’RE DEAD TO ME...

Another piece that takes a familiar phrase and plays around with it...

YOUR NIGHTMARES...

This piece is all about the man and woman "of your nightmares..." This poem was first performed at The Poetry Café in April 2013.

ZOMBIE SQUIRRELS IN MY GARDEN...

The first of two zombie-themed poems to complete the collection; there can't be many verses out there that concern zombie squirrels! Shakespeare missed a trick!

ZOMBIE TAXI-DRIVER...

This one is about how a zombie taxi driver who will not eat the brains of the locals - but prefers to make an honest living for himself!

Next week, with only a week to go before the new book is released, we'll be looking at the prose pieces in the new collection.

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. A YETI WAY OF THINKING is released on Monday 14th March 2016.