FURTHER WORDS FROM THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

BACK ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!

Hello beasties!

This week, along with up-dating you on new podcasts I will be sharing with you the second of two scripts from my recent SHY LIFE PODCAST episodes: ADVENTURES ON THE OTHER SIDE, PARTS ONE AND TWO... Last week's extract includes the lines between Mr Yeti and Deadiegrams (sent via Tim from Tastes Like Burning.), but this week's scripts are between Mr Yeti and Ferdi (script sent via Jay from LOTSL). You might find that some of the lines are slightly different from the recorded versions - the lines were often improved by the performers, as they had been encouraged to do where they felt it would improve the end result; anyway these are the original scripts. I'm unable to share any of the scripts between the Spooky Bus Driver and Mr Yeti as all these conversations were improvised live.

Here is our most recent podcast episode, which was released on Sunday 24th April 2017...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 71: THREE QUESTIONS FOR TOPPIE...

Here we are for episode SEVENTY ONE - where this time we catch up with Mr Toppie Smellie once again. This time Mr Yeti has three questions for our friend from The Smellcast; questions that cover the topics of music, naming pets and cooking... There are also a number of bemusing sketches, some poems and we also hear from the regulars. Our next episode, number 72 - begins our search for Bold Sasquatch, whilst episode 73 involves a big long chat with the regulars on a bus between London Victoria and St Paul's Cathedral! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. This episode was recorded between the 1st and 5th April 2017. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

71: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-71-three-questions-for-toppie

Here are some photos taken on Easter Sunday between Hammersmith and Chiswick, around the time that I was editing my most recent podcast episodes; I didn't record on the day - but this was effectively what I got up to between a busy weekend working on the show.

Next time there will be more podcast links and a new short prose piece about flowers! That's all for now...

Take care - more soon,

Yeti hugs,

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

P.S. I am pleased to announce that Mr Deeley is quickly becoming quite a fan of Monty Python - although I think it was the animated sections that he enjoyed most!!

P.P.S. A recording of the script segment below where a number of Pride48 podcasters are name-checked, appeared at the start of episode 2418 of Big Fatty Online! I was very honoured and it was the first time that I'd appeared at the top of the show! I'm very glad that Jay appeared in this extract too! 

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST
ADVENTURES ON THE OTHER SIDE... PART 2 (EXTRACT)

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR JAY THE HAUNTCUB FROM LIFE ON THE POO LIST...

Dear Jay,

I am not going to be too specific as to who this character is - for some reason I've ended up visualizing him like he's some kind of talking statue - but I haven't gone into that in too much detail. He kind of starts off a bit grumpy and unfriendly, but ends up being nicer - as a comparison to the more sinister Deadiegrams (represented by TLB Tim.) If you'd rather he be some kind of pirate or highwayman or bandit or something - then play him that way and I'll alter my lines accordingly. It's up to you. Depending on how you play it then I'll also decide whether to add modulation to the voice - either higher or lower; happy to receive your thoughts on this too - I can always just leave it un-tampered with! You are welcome to ad-lib extra lines or not stick directly to the script as I'll record my bits as a reaction to whatever you record. 

I thank you... Gratefully signed, Mr Yeti.

THIS SCENE WILL PROBABLY APPEAR IN THE SECOND OF THE TWO EPISODES...

Paul (Shy Yeti) is lost somewhere on "the other side" having gotten on the wrong bus from work... As he stumbles on he sees a shape before him and much against his better judgement heads towards it!

YETI:

Oooh! Listeners... I can see someone up ahead... I wonder if he can help... He looks kind of strange... Like one of those living statues you see on the streets near tourist traps.. Still, he can't be any more scary than deadiegrams... I need to ask SOMEBODY for help... Well, here goes nothing! Wish me luck, aye... (Yeti hurries on towards the figure) Hello? HELLO!? Can you help me? Please... I'm lost... Don't try and hide - I can see you there... Listeners... I can see him... I know he's not ACTUALLY a statue - I just saw him blink...

LIVING STATUE MAN:

I DID not just blink...

YETI:

You jolly well did and now you just spoke....

STATUE:

Alright! Alright! Enough already... What is it with all these questions... 

YETI:

I just need some help... I'm not meant to be here...

STATUE:

Don't tell me... You caught the wrong bus and here you are...

YETI:

Yes! Yes... Exactly that... How did you know? Did it happen to you?

STATUE:

Happen to me? HAPPEN TO ME? Are you kidding? Jeez... I'd never be that stupid...

YETI:

Well, that's not a very nice thing to say to someone...

STATUE:

Yeah, I know... Still, I quite enjoyed saying it... So - who ARE you, anyway?

YETI:

Why, I'm Shy Yeti... I'm quite a well-known poet and podcaster back where I come from...

STATUE:

Rubbish you are...

YETI:

I SO am... Oh, okay then... I may be slightly exaggerating... Still, come on... Even the dead must have heard of Pride48...

STATUE:

Nah... Never...

YETI:

Don't be a dumbo! You MUST have heard of them... What about Big Fatty? He's like the most famous of all of the podcasters! Big Fatty and Poodle McNoodle? Squeaky kitty? No? What about the gang from Cocktails and Creampuffs - Donna, Wendy and Joey... Or Pod Is My Co-pilot... Taffy, Rodan and Taylor The Latteboy...

STATUE:

Now you're just making the names up...

YETI:

I'm not! These are real people... What about Catching Up... Vera Speaks For Real...

STATUE:

I did know a Vera once - but she was trapped inside a bottle - you know... a genie... In fact she rarely got a chance to speak at all...

YETI:

Well listen... You must have heard of Adam Burns and Daniel Brewer... Greetings From Nowhere? Actually they recently wrapped up their shows... What about Chubs Gone Wild or Foul Monkeys? Come on - you must know of Toppie Smellie from The Smellcast... No? Not even Life On The Poo List, The Faraway Nearby or Tastes Like Burning?

STATUE:

TASTES LIKE BURNING, you say? Now I have heard of that one... With James and Tim and Tim and James?

YETI:

Yes! yes! They're the hosts of that show...

STATUE:

Well yeah - I have heard them... I met some aliens at our new year party and they really turned me on to that show... It's kind of groovy... 

YETI:

I KNOW THOSE ALIENS! They lived at my house for a while...

STATUE:

OMG! You're not that Shy Spaghetti person, are you?

YETI:

SHY YETI!

STATUE:

Oh... Okay... I can never make out their accents too well...

YETI:

I know... You should live with them... Still, I guess it's unlikely you being here in the underworld - or wherever this is... Just a minute - how come you were at a new year party with the aliens, if you're here?

STATUE:

Oh well... You know... I have my contacts...

YETI:

Really! Impressive... You know, I take this to mean that you can help get me home...

STATUE:

Nah... Nope... Can't do that... I mean I'm meant to be horrid to people like you... I'm not meant to help; I really shouldn't even be chatting to you like this for that matter...

YETI:

Who says you can't?

STATUE:

My boss...

YETI:

Oh! Forget him... Who is he anyway?

STATUE:

Well, technically it's me - I'm self-employed - but I like to give my elders and betters some respect... It's the way I would want to be treated if... if I was... if I was.. .me... him... 

YETI:

But you ARE him... you... Oh gawd, now I'm confused... Look! Listen here.... I really don't want to bother you - I just want to know how to get home... I have a podcast episode to finish and listeners waiting...

STATUE:

Hmm... You podcasters... I've heard about people like you... Are you recording this very conversation?

YETI:

Well, of course...

STATUE:

Does that mean I'll be on your podcast?

YETI:

Yeah... If that's okay - and it comes out alright... Should I interview you?

STATUE:

Oh no... I'm feeling shy now... My hair's a mess...

YETI:

It's okay... You don't have to speak if you don't want to, although this is an audio podcast - the state of your hair is hardly of relevance...

STATUE:

I'm not convinced - oh, maybe another time...

YETI:

Do you Skype?

STATUE:

Errr... We can try... I don't own a computer and I live in a completely different plain of existence - but we could definitely try...

YETI:

Hmm... Okay! So, let's get back to the matter in hand... What about giving me those directions back to the bus stop - do you know the way?

STATUE:

Oh yes... Well, they are my fleet of buses after all!

YETI:

They're what? Really?

STATUE:

REALLY!! I'm sorry... I feel bad now... It seemed like such a fun idea - to lure people from the living world here on the bus - to tease them and taunt them and give all the bored ghosts and ghouls something to do... But to be honest I never actually put a face to any of these feckless idiots... I mean, what kind of fool would just hop on a bus headed for the after-life...

YETI:

Hey! That's me you're describing there - and I didn't do it on purpose...

STATUE:

Oh! I know... Ha! Apologies! Weren't wearing your glasses, I suppose...

YETI:

Possibly! I guess you're spot on - I can't deny it, really! It's my own fault...

STATUE:

Oh, don't be too hard on yourself... I'll tell you the way back if you're nice to me...

YETI:

Oh, I will be... I promise to be grateful...

STATUE:

Well, I just can't bear to keep a podcaster from his microphone... So... You see that old dead tree over there shrouded in mist...

YETI:

I see it, yes...

STATUE:

Well, don't go anywhere near that... There's a grumpy poltergeist called Burt who lives inside it...

YETI:

Blimey, no... I'll avoid that one for sure, thank you very much...

STATUE:

No... Take the path in completely the opposite direction - passing the spooky church...

YETI:

The spooky church, aye... Why am I not surprised?

STATUE:

This place is nothing if not predictable - it's a creepy stereotype - I'll be the first to admit it... Anyway... Head on by the church - make sure you keep out of the graveyard... There's poison ivy... Poison ivy and zombies - but the poison ivy is the greater danger of the two...

YETI:

Really? Why's that?

STATUE:

The zombies are pretty harmless - the worse they do is gossip loads... You'll be fine - they may ask you in for tea, but the cakes are always stale, I wouldn't bother; just tell them you've got a bus to catch... Keep walking along the path and you'll reach the terminal within five minutes... Simple!!

YETI:

Oh! Awesome... No, further herculean feats of daring do to achieve?

STATUE:

Nope... That's it! Unless you want to take the long route around through the burning pits of hell...

YETI:

Ah! Maybe not... The short route will do me just fine... Well, I suppose I better get on before it gets dark... well... darker... mistier... spookier... scarier...

STATUE:

You'll be fine... When you get on the bus just tell them that Ferdy sent you... That's me... You'll get a ticket for the front seat with as much hot coffee as you can drink...

YETI:

That's awfully sweet of you... Well, see you around... Or not... If you're ever in London... Well, anyway...

STATUE:

Happy podcasting, good sir yeti...

YETI:

Bye now... (speaking more to self as he walks away) Well, he was nice, wasn't he listeners? I thought he was going to be a bit scary at first - but he thawed pretty quickly... Now... Which way did he say again; towards the tree or towards the church? Umm... The tree wasn't it? No... The church... I can hardly see one or the other... It's so misty... I do hope I don't get lost...

STATUE: (calling out after him)

Stick to the path... You'll lose your way... Do you hear me, yeti? Hello? Oh, fiddlesticks... That furball is going to get himself into trouble, at this rate...

ALSO... 

ADDITIONALLY TO THIS - COULD YOU DO A FEW RANDOM GHOSTLY MOANS AND WOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOO'S, PLEASE... THANKYOU...

This script extract was written between Thursday 9th and Saturday 11th February 2017 and is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017...

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

SOME WORDS FROM THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

SHARING A LITTLE SCRIPT FROM MY "ADVENTURES"...

Hello beasties!

This week, along with up-dating you on new podcasts I will be sharing with you the first of two scripts from my recent SHY LIFE PODCAST episodes: ADVENTURES ON THE OTHER SIDE, PARTS ONE AND TWO... The first extract includes the lines between Mr Yeti and Deadiegrams (but sent to her via Tim from Tastes Like Burning.) Next week's scripts are between Mr Yeti and a rather strange character called, Ferdi (a script which I sent to Jay from LOTSL). You might find that some of the lines are slightly different from the recorded versions - the actors improved on my lines and were encouraged to do so - but these are the original scripts. I'm unable to share any of the scripts between the Spooky Bus Driver and Mr Yeti as all these conversations were improvised.

Before we move on I thought I ought to share with you some links to our three most recent episodes...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 68: FURTHER ADVENTURES ON THE OTHER SIDE... (2 OF 2)

Here we are for episode SIXTY EIGHT - where Paul remains trapped on The Other Side and Yeti Uncle John only notices that he is missing when he doesn't show up for Dameus Twinklehorn's big debut in the play, Art. Whilst Paul meets a few odd characters - John and Toppie do their best to him home - but failing that they have some pre-recorded footage of Mr Yeti reading his poems to keep the audience distracted. Special Guest Stars this time include Toppie Smellie (The Smellcast and LOTSL) TLB Tim, (Tastes Like Burning) and Jay The Hauntcub (LOTSL). Our Special Guest this episode is Her Magnificence, Madame Deadigrams! Some sections were scripted by Paul Chandler, with ad-libs by the cast. Our next episode, number 69 - is a version of our 7th live show! Episode 70, which follows soon after, sees us being both poetic, whilst we also revisit an old friend!! Tastes Like Burning, LOTSL and The Smellcast are all available from iTunes. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 68 was recorded between the 4th February and the 13th April 2017. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

68: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-68-further-adventures-on-the-other-side-2-of-2

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 69: OUR 7TH LIVE PRIDE48 SHOW!!

Here we are for episode SIXTY NINE - a recording of our live show from Sunday 16th April 2017!! This time I discuss what I've been up to - interact with the chat-room, discuss future episodes and catch up with some of the regulars! We speak to Bettina via satellite and she offers her advice for a number of listeners who have written in. All this and Yeti Uncle John also makes it to the studio - but only just!! Our next episode, number 70 - includes some poems by a guest poet, whilst we also catch up with one of our guests from last year. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Pre-recorded segments of episode 69 were recorded between the 23rd March and the 5th April 2017, with the actual show performed on the 16th of April 2017. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

69:  https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-69-our-7th-live-pride48-show

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 70: LISTENING TO US WILL HELP YOU... (HONEST!!)

Here we are for episode SEVENTY - where this time we have two guests (oh, and a surprise one - but more about that later!) Our first guest is poet and writer, Tom McColl who has recorded us some pieces from his latest book, Being With Me Will Help You Learn and our second guest is our old friend Carey our American Correspondent who lives and works in France and who we spoke to a couple of times back in 2016. At short notice we also have some extra content in this episode, especially if you're a Dr Who fan - as Jay The Hauntcub and I discuss our thoughts on the first episode Season 10 (2017), along with a number of other related topics. Our next episode, number 71 sees have having a bit of a chatter with Toppie Smellie and friends. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. Please Note: There is a slight crackle during Carey's interview, but hopefully this will not spoil your enjoyment of this conversation. Tom McColl owns the copyright to all his work included in this show, but all other content is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.  Episode 70 was recorded between the 6th and the 17th April 2017. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

70: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-70-listening-to-us-will-help-you-honest

I do hope you enjoy these recent episodes and I hope to present you with some new shows very soon!

You have probably noted that there are a few photos of the gorgeous Deeley-bot in this post - really for no other reason than to confirm that he is still looking super cute. Enough said. Moving on...

To conclude with, as mentioned already, I am sharing with you the original script that I wrote for Tastes Like Burning Tim as part of our recent two-part SHY LIFE PODCAST episodes. I have considered working up a full script of these episodes - but probably haven't the time to do so right now. The best way of experiencing the episodes is probably just to download them from iTunes, Podbean, Soundcloud or Acast. 

Anyway! Other than reading the script that follows, that's all for now...

Take care - more soon,

Yeti hugs,

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST
ADVENTURES ON THE OTHER SIDE... PARTS 1 / 2 (EXTRACT)

A GUIDE SCRIPT FOR TIM OF TASTES LIKE BURNING TO PASS ON TO HIS MISTRESS, LADY DEADIEGRAMS...

Dear Tim,

SOME OF THIS EPISODE IS ALREADY RECORDED - PLEASE LET DEADIEGRAMS KNOW THAT SHE MAY STICK TO THE SCRIPT OR SIMPLY AD-LIB, I WILL NOT RECORD MY SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION UNTIL I HAVE RECEIVED HER WORDS AND THEN I'LL REACT WITH THOSE... SHE SHOULD CONSIDER THIS A GUIDE SCRIPT... ONLY CERTAIN SECTIONS OF THESE EPISODES HAVE BEEN SCRIPTED - BUT HER SECTION OF THE STORY BEGINS AS FOLLOWS... 

I THANK YOU...

Mr Yeti :)

THIS FIRST PIECE IS BASICALLY THE CLIFFHANGER FOR THE FIRST EPISODE...

Paul (Shy Yeti) is lost somewhere on "the other side" having gotten on the wrong bus from work... He is disorientated and hears a strange ghostly noise and is walking closer to it...

YETI:

Hello? Hello? Who's that? Hello... I'm looking for help... I'm lost...

VOICE: (DEADIEGRAMS)

They all say that, sweet cheeks... I know your sort... You're just after my valuables...

YETI:

Err... I'm really not.. I just want to find the way out... 

VOICE:

Yeah, yeah... They all say that one too... What happened? Did you sell your soul and now you're regretting it?

YETI:

No! No... That's not what happened at all! I literally rushed to catch a bus and... well... it really wasn't the bus that I thought it was going to be...

VOICE:

Bad move... Jumping on buses without checking on their destination first...

YETI:

I know what you mean... Although I somehow doubt that the bus would have had TO THE OTHER SIDE on the front of the bus...

VOICE:

You make a good point, sonny... It probably just said HELL...

YETI:

This isn't HELL, is it? Come on... Hell doesn't even exist...

VOICE:

You've clearly never been to Miami in a heatwave...

YETI:

Well no, I'm from London... I've been to Vegas and that was pretty hot... Now, listen... I recognise your voice... I'm pretty sure I do...

VOICE:

It's possible, I suppose... After all, I do occasionally share my wisdom with the peoples of the internet...

YETI:

Do you podcast?

VOICE:

I believe that is what it is called... I also tweet...

YETI:

Blimey... That's not bad for a disembodied voice... No offence meant or anything...

VOICE:

None taken, furry chops...

YETI:

Just a minute! I just clicked...

VOICE:

That'll be your hip - or your back... It's the curse of middle age...

YETI:

Nothing like that! No, I've just remembered which podcast you're on! TASTES LIKE BURNING! With Tim and James and James and Tim...

VOICE:

No need to repeat yourself - I heard you the first time...

YETI:

Oh, I'm sorry... I have some friends - well, they're not around at the moment - they're aliens... Funny little fellas - they were great fans of that show... And of James and Tim... That's how they spoke... (does a quick impression, but it's not very good...)

VOICE:

Well now, I must admit that this is beginning to sound familiar...

YETI:

You're Deadiegrams, aren't you? THE deadiegrams!!!!

DEADIEGRAMS:

Errr... I might be... What's it worth to you?

YETI:

Oh... I'm not sure it's worth a great deal - it only means that we have kind of met... Perhaps you can point me in the right direction for getting home... Do you know where the bus stop home might be?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Buses? No... Never use them, sonny... People wee on the seats - you can catch things off them... Sure, I know I'm dead - but it's best to be careful... There are worse things than death you know... STDs for a start... Did you know dead people can still catch STDs? Only there are no ghostly doctors - so you just have to put up with it...

YETI:

NO GHOSTLY DOCTORS? But what about the ghosts of doctors who used to be alive...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Never happens... 

YETI:

What do you mean it never happens - it must do... Doctors aren't eternal! Listen... Did you just make that all up - what you just said then...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Might have done... I like to spice things up now and again and you did interrupt my afternoon nap what with all that shouting you were doing out in the ghostly mists and all...

YETI:

Now you're telling me that ghosts take naps? Is that a lie too?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Spot on... You're a quick one, sonny - and no mistake.... What was that you were saying about us meeting before... Did I haunt you once or something? Don't you come here asking for your money back!

YETI:

No... No... No... It's just I think I may have tweeted you and your answered my question on the TASTES LIKE BURNING show...

NOTE: AT THIS POINT WE HEAR A FLASHBACK OF EXACTLY THIS - TAKEN FROM THE EPISODE THAT WAS ACTUALLY RECORDED - I HAVE SAVED THE EXACT CLIP ALREADY...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Oh yes... Yes... That tolls a bell now you mention it, sonny...

YETI:

You were very helpful... It was nice of you to reply... Thank you...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Why, of course sonny - it was my pleasure - and my job... Gets my picture in the Spectral News now and again...

YETI:

There really is only one more thing that you could do for me, dear lady - if you would be so kind - and that is simply to point me in the direction of the bus stop... I only want to get home...

DEADIEGRAMS: (evil chuckling)

That's all you wish to know, is it? Is it, really? Well, I'm afraid it's just not going to be that easy... You see - now you're here there is simply no undoing it...

YETI:

I don't understand... Surely those buses must go back and forth...

DEADIEGRAMS:

It's none of your business whether they do or whether they don't - I am afraid it is against the rules... You are here now and here you will stay... There is no going back... No return to sender... NO! NO! NO! You can never go home - you are here forever, young man! Do you hear me? FOREVER! FOREVER! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

HER VOICE ECHOES AND WE HEAR SHY YETI PROTESTING IN DISBELIEF... THIS IS THE END OF THE FIRST OF THE TWO EPISODES - THERE MAY BE SOME KIND OF ANNOUNCER SUMMING IT ALL UP - BUT I'LL SEE ABOUT THAT LATER...

THIS IS FOR THE SECOND EPISODE - THERE WILL BE A RECAP AND THEN THE ADVENTURE WILL CONTINUE...

SHY YETI:

ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I hear you... No need to be QUITE so dramatic! If I was a less charitable and suspicious minded person then I'd almost guess that you enjoyed imparting people such bad news...

DEADIEGRAMS:

It is kind of fun... You should try it sometime...

SHY YETI:

Maybe I will... Hmm... Let me see... I think it's my turn... Hey! Deadiegrams - I just received a phonecall - it was from the launderette...They're terribly sorry - but they accidentally washed your colours with those brand new white sheets that you'd only just brought... I believe they've all gone a rather sickly shade of pink!

DEADIEGRAMS:

As bad news goes it hardly rates especially highly...

SHY YETI:

But they were new sheets - dead expensive...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Well, I'm dead too - so they're in good company... And I LIKE pink!

SHY YETI:

Oh, you spoil-sport, you...  Well, if I'm going to be stuck here then I ought to be allowed to ask a question...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Go ahead... Ask away!

SHY YETI:

Well, I was just wondering - do you have a proper christian name? Like Joyce or Suzanna or Muriel? I mean, were you once somebody's actual grandma?

DEADIEGRAMS:

That would be telling... It's not something I choose to share with anyone... I like to preserve my anonymity...

SHY YETI:

Well, I know you do... For your public... But now I'm here I feel sure that we're going to end up as very good - very close friends - buddies even... Bridge partners... Dinner party chums... I predict that pretty soon we'll end up having weekends away... I mean, as I've nowhere else to live we might as well start co-habiting immediately... I'm a very loyal friend Dee... Don't think you'll get rid of me... Ha!

DEADIEGRAMS: (to herself)

Well now, I don't like the sound of that - not one bit... He just won't stop talking! What a one-man walking mouth on legs! No wonder he's a podcaster - I guess talking is what they're best at... This one must be at it 24-7! Maybe I ought to give him directions out of here, after all... At very least I'll send him somewhere a long, long way from me... I shall send him towards the spooky tree - maybe the zombies will get him - that should keep him quiet for awhile...

SHY YETI:

I'm sorry... Were you speaking to me?

DEADIEGRAMS:

No... No... Just mulling over some ideas...

SHY YETI: (to the listeners)

Hello listeners... I'm hoping if I talk enough I'll drive her so crazy that she'll help send me home... Do you think that I'm in with a chance?

DEADIEGRAMS:

Excuse me... Yeti... Were you saying something before about needing to get home...

SHY YETI:

Oh... Well... It's not necessary - not now we've met up - I was hoping that you might be up for reading my fortune... I have bunions... You can read fortunes by examining bunions, can't you? Or is it hemorrhoids - I'm not sure if I have those or not, but you're welcome to check...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Errr... Thank you... No... I'm terribly sorry... But I am just on my way out of here - an old poltergeist friend of mine is having a birthday and as much as I'd like to take you along it's a strictly invite only do...

SHY YETI:

That's okay - I could wait here for you...

DEADIEGRAMS:

I really don't think you'd like it - it can be very cold around here and these birthday parties can last decades; literally decades... I'm sure your listeners will be missing you back in London...

SHY YETI:

Oh, I doubt it... At any rate - I'm still recording...

DEADIEGRAMS:

That's all very well, but where will you edit your material? No... No... You need to take all your recordings home with you - back to lovely London Town... You know what I'd recommend... If you follow that pathway over there - through the scary forest - past the creepy tree and alongside the spooky church; you'll find the bus station waiting there ahead of you...

SHY YETI:

The scary forest, you say? Can't you show me the way? I'm not sure that I fancy going that way by myself...

DEADIEGRAMS:

Just whistle... You'll be fine... (mutters) Right! I'm out of here - before he starts talking any more... Byyyyyyeeeee, darling! Lovely meeting you in person!

SHY YETI: (distracted)

WHISTLE!?! WHISTLE!?! Now that doesn't seem like it's going to be of much good... Hello!? Oh... Hello... Where she's gone to? Oh, blimey... Through the scary forest did she say? Well, I suppose I have no options... What should I whistle... Umm... *whistles the theme tune to Space 1999 season 2 - it's okay, it's a very vague in-joke, if it even counts as a joke!*

This script extract was written between Thursday 9th and Thursday 16th February 2017...

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

A KENTISH DIARY

A WEEK OFF FOR CREATIVE WHATNOTS...

Hello beasties!

This week I'm going to tell you a bit about what I got up to on my week off between Friday the 31st March and Friday the 7th April 2017... It was a really lovely week - just as good as the one I spent there last summer. Once again, I'd have been quite happy to have spent a couple more weeks there. I managed to have quite a lazy time and yet managed to work on some editing and post two new podcast episodes - not to mention all the new shows that I recorded. I watched loads of films, had a day-trip to Canterbury - spoke to friends in the States and took lots of photos whilst out and about... The weather was pretty good too; but I shall tell you in a little more detail... imminently!!

First up I'd like to share with you my most recently published episode of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 67: ADVENTURES ON THE OTHER SIDE... (1 OF 2)

Here we are for episode SIXTY SEVEN - where Paul and Yeti Uncle John begin recording their latest show - but once they are done some rather odd things begin to happen to Mr Yeti after he jumps on the wrong bus. It may take a little while for him to get back too!! Guest stars this time include Toppie Smellie, TLB Tim and Deadiegrams. Some sections were scripted by Paul Chandler, with ad-libs by the cast. Thank you to TLB Tim and TLB James for the use of a small section of episode 222 of Tastes Like Burning, Copyright TLB, 2016. Our next episode, number 68 - sees Mr Yeti continuing his adventure on "the other side..." in the 2nd part of a two part adventure!! It'll be out soon!! Both Tastes Like Burning and The Smellcast are available from iTunes. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 67 was recorded between the 4th February and the 3rd March 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

67: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-67-adventures-on-the-other-side-1-of-2

I'm pleased with this new episode - it took a while to put together and involved me writing scripts for some of the dialogue and also for the next show. I may share those little scripts for you in upcoming posts; we'll see. It did take me a while to decide on the final title for the episode - at one stage or other it was briefly christened THE AFTER-LIFE (which is what the files were entitled on my phone) and also DEATH ETC. 

So, here's some of what I got up to during my week in and around Lyminge, near Folkestone...

Friday 31st March 2017

Today went quickly - although there was a lot of travel involved. I didn't leave home until 11am, but was safely ensconced in my little flat in Lyminge near Folkestone by 3pm. The rest of the day I let slip by whilst I unpacked and watched a bit of TV (80s sitcom, Sink Or Swim), although I did record around 10 minutes of the first SHY LIFE PODCAST that I have planned for the trip. What was recorded was all the links for the first of the 3 linked episodes that I am recording whilst away (although there are a number of other segments and a Halloween episode that I also intend to record!) It was nice to have gotten there safely and I went out for a little walk before dark... I didn't have a great deal planned for the next day - but what I did have planned meant that an early night was probably advisable... In the end I'm not sure that I did go particularly early, but there you go... #sleepyyeti

Saturday 1st April 2017

I didn't go too far today - but I was certainly up busy! The day began early with some recording with Toppie Smellie for a whole number of forthcoming episodes. I'd like to say more - but I think I really ought to keep things under-wrap for a little longer. For the rest of the day I was busy editing episode 65 of the podcast, although I did head down to the local shop in Lyminge to buy some extra provisions. (Wine!! Okay... Not JUST wine!) On top of all this I also did a lot of recording - ranging from one of my Shy Yeti scripts to scenes from a number of episodes that I'll be posting over the next couple of months. Most of these scenes were recorded inside, as although it was sunny it was also quite breezy outside. I also stayed up late to go on the Poke It With A Stick podcast for the first time in 2017. I didn't say a lot, but I did chuckle quite a bit just to remind people that I was still there.

Sunday 2nd April 2017

Sunday also began early - not quite as early as Saturday, but I was up before 7 to get ready to record with ThatPeterG from LOTSL - an interview that I've been keen to do and aim to post as episode 66 later in the week. Recording with Peter went very well and that episode was pretty much recorded in one sitting, which was nice. That morning I also recorded another random question section for a future episode along with links for future episodes that I intended to record in the week. The rest of the day is a bit of a blur - made up of films, naps and... I honestly don't remember much more of note!

Monday 3rd April 2017

Another sunny day and once I'd done some recording for my Halloween episode up in my apartment (!) and also published episode 65 I got outside and recorded some more for the Halloween episode and also some links for a "little shooooow!" that I recorded with Toppie on Saturday. I even recorded a short video to advertise that episode which I'll be able to release nearer the time. I managed to record quite a lot all in all, that day - although I didn't go far - deciding to postpone my Canterbury trip until tomorrow.

Tuesday 4th April 2017

Today I headed for Canterbury - it wasn't the sunniest of days, but I did record quite a bit for a number of forthcoming episodes! All that and I had a nice lunch in Pret, had coffee and cake in Marks And Spencers and managed to spend a bit on DVDs and blurays in HMV. My only slightly negative experience was just how busy everywhere was - not just with schoolkids on Easter holidays, but hundreds (and literally hundreds!) of French school-children visiting the city and taking up all the space in what I had presumed was going to be a nice peaceful park... (It was quiet there last summer when I last visited!) Never mind - they moved on pretty quickly and although I had to share the place with some students playing football, it was slightly quieter than it was when I arrived. Not only did I get plenty of material for my show - I was able to record some bits for Toppie Smellie's Stick It Out Your Backdoor for The Smellcast. I made it home safely and continued work on editing projects - it was definitely my busiest day of my week and the furthest afield that I travelled from Lyminge.

Wednesday 5th April 2017

I stayed put for most of the day - but was certainly no slouch... I was busy working on episode 66 - which featured the ThatPeterG interview that I recorded on Sunday. Although not much editing was required it still took a while to edit and to shuffle a few segments around. As far as recording was concerned I recorded 26 different segments - most of them for the episodes that I'd been working on  - but also one or two more for short appearances on both Big Fatty Online and Vera Speaks... For Real. At one stage I thought I make take another trip out of the village on Thursday - and so I wanted to get as much completed as possible. In the end it was unnecessary as I didn't go so far - but it was still good to get things done. There was still plenty of time to get out for a little outdoor recording, not to mention time to watch more of the (many) films and TV programmes that I had brought with me. 

Thursday 6th April 2017

Plans for today were a bit uncertain beforehand as I was half expecting it to be raining - but in the end the weather turned out to be really pleasant and so I was able to spend the morning backing up all my holiday recordings - but then head on out to do my last bit of outdoor location work for this trip. I also got a chance to catch up with my old friend Ceri, who I went to University with and who appeared in many of the first 1000 Sutton Park episodes between 1993 and 1995. Once we were done chatting I headed out to record the last scenes that I had planned for the episodes that I'd been working on. As I mentioned, it was a far sunnier day than I'd expected and I didn't fancy walking anywhere too energetic, but recorded a scene from an episode involving Charlie Grrr and then the last scenes of both my Halloween and third Kent episode - although due to a light breeze I ended up doing some of the final conversations back at my apartment, as it allowed me to focus a bit more on the voices and not worry about people suddenly showing up and wondering why I was doing a silly accent. In the evening I watched the last of the TV that I'd brought with me and prepared for an appearance on another little show - which actually I didn't record until the early hours of Friday...

Friday 7th April 2017

As mentioned my Friday began early - at about 1.30, when I rose so that I could appear on another episode of LOTSL (my 3rd successful appearance, not counting the first time - about a year ago when I couldn't access Skype when it came to recording time!) I did manage to go back to bed for a while - but was up by around eight to finish packing, have breakfast and to be ready to depart around 9.30. Yes! It was already time to head home... The week went by so quickly - and yet I couldn't have asked for a better one! I achieved a great deal! As it was I was lucky and caught a bus just after 10 and was at Folkestone Railway Station in good time to pick up some lunch and then get a train back to London soon after 11, reaching Waterloo with time to pick up a ticket and get the 1.20 train home and was back in my flat by 2pm.! Once in I unpacked, had a nice soak in the bath - received shopping and then enjoyed supermarket pizza for dinner! Result!! I do hope that I can go back to Lyminge in 2018!

Here are some more holiday photos that I'd like to share with you... 

I'm not yet sure quite when I'll be releasing the episodes that I recorded in Kent - quite possibly not until June and one of them won't be going anywhere until Halloween! Recording this episode also made me consider what I'd like record to celebrate my birthday, as it occurs around the same time of year as Halloween... I've pretty much worked it all out - and it should be another goodun'; a two-parter, one part going out before my birthday and one once I have returned.

Anyway... Let's turn away from discussing October and November! We have a lot of other things to look forward to before then - although this is all we have time for this post!!

Next time, I should have another podcast episode to tell you about and we'll hopefully have recorded our next live show - which should take place on Pride48 on Sunday 16th April 2017 (Easter Sunday)  at 4pm (EDT) and 9pm (GMT) on Pride48...

Take care - more soon,

Yeti hugs,

Paul (aka Shy Yeti) xx

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

SHY YETI IS HERE TO TEACH YOU A LESSON!!

SHY YETI GOES BACK TO SCHOOL!!

Hello beasties!!

This time on the blog we have another Shy Yeti script for you - but first up there is news on recent podcast episodes, as follows:

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 64: THE DRAGON CHILD (AN ALMOST-APRIL FOOL FOR 2017)

Here we are for episode SIXTY FOUR - where Mr Yeti is beginning to regret a heavy night on the town... There is no flaunting his responsibilities - he's going to have to be a man about it all! There are also poems, appearances by our regulars and the introduction of a brand new member of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST family!?!, Our next episode, number 65 - is called GOOD TO TALK and involves lots of random chatter - much of it about some of Mr Yeti's recent favourite things! It'll be out soon!! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 64 was recorded between the 23rd  January and 28th March 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

64: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-64-the-dragon-child-an-almost-april-fool-for-2017

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 65: GOOD TO TALK!!

Here we are for episode SIXTY FIVE - where Paul launches into an enthusiastic waffle about some of the things that he is currently keen about. We have a number of guest stars this time - Harry, Jo and Toppie Smellie amongst them; not only that but the regulars get to ask some probing questions about Mr Yeti. Our next episode, number 66 - sees us getting to have a chat with another of the LOTSL team! Following that in episode 67 and 68 Mr Yeti embarks on an unexpected and somewhat unnerving journey in an exciting two part adventure!! All three episodes will be out soon!! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca with Sound FX by Soundbible. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 65 was recorded between the 3rd February and the 27th March 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

65: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-65-good-to-talk

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 66: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO THATPETERG...

Here we are for episode SIXTY SIX - where Paul finally gets the chance to speak to ThatPeterG from LOTSL. They discuss a whole range of subjects from music to films, from food and travel to books and pets - and then loads more on top of that! There is also a flashback to the time that Dameus interviewed the LOTSL crew. Our next episode, number 67 is currently being edited by our crack team of podcast editors... (Hurry up, Deeley - you're taking ages!) but we're not quite sure which one will be ready first... Anyway! It'll be out soon! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 66 was recorded on 2nd April 2017 (although it was mostly still the 1st April for Peter!).

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

66: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-66-the-world-according-to-thatpeterg

Well, that's about it for now...

Next time I'll probably be updating you on what I got up to whilst I was down in Kent - I hope to report a week of busy creativeness... But did it work out?! Find out next week...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx




P.S. This script was written between 26th January and the 22nd February 2017, although the original idea came to me in the summer of 2016.

SHY YETI THE EDUCATOR

Setting: Shy Yeti is visiting a local college - he is due to give a lecture to an evening class about the rather specific subject of Yeti Poetics...

PROFESSOR PLATH - HEAD OF POETICS: (respectfully)

Well now, Mr Yeti... I am very glad you could make it tonight... I'm sure the students will very much enjoy your lecture on...

SHY: (proudly)

Yeti poetics, Geoffrey... May I call you, Geoffrey?

PROFESSOR PLATH: (somewhat snootily)

Call me what you like, my actual name is Susan...

SHY: (confused)

Isn't that a girl's name?

PROF PLATH: (sounding hurt)

Not if you're a man, it's not... It's my name...

SHY: (brightly)

Ah yes, well, of course... Yeti Poetics...

PLATH: (confused)

What's that?

SHY: (enthusiastically)

The subject of my lecture!

PLATH: (curious)

Ah yes, right - I see... Will there be much rhyming tonight?

SHY: (unsure)

I'm sorry?

PLATH: (trying to explain himself a little better)

Well, I presume that you'll be reading a number of your poems as well as delivering a lecture...

SHY: (annoyed by his tone, but trying not to show it)

Ah yes... That's true... In which case, yes - there will be rhymes on offer... Will that be a problem?

PLATH: (pretentiously)

It doesn't bother me... I mean, I can take or leave rhyme - but I suppose it doesn't harm anyone too much when it exists; of course, some people are ridiculously snobby about it...

SHY: (gritting his teeth)

They certainly are...

PLATH: (as if he's doing everyone a favour)

I do try not to be...

SHY: (smiling sweetly)

How good of you... Well, this is something that I will be discussing in my talk... A good poem is a good poem whether it rhymes or not - but whether it works for each reader is up to that person to decide.... Anyway... Don't get me started... I just feel poets should be supportive of all forms of poetry - even the type of poetry that pretty much sound like it's prose written in stupidly short sentences...

PLATH: (very holier than thou, without realising it)

They call is free verse - and you know it...

SHY: (losing his cool, somewhat)

I'm sorry... I don't mean to criticise - but it often feels that people take it far beyond the point of poetry until they might as well just be writing an essay... And yet if I even consider writing a poem using rhyme - or worse still a poem that is trying to be funny and possibly uses a bit of rhyme... Well, it's like I just kidnapped a bag of kittens and sold them to a bunch kitten-eating ne'er-do-wells....

PLATH: (apologetically, remaining calm)

Ah yes, well - I get your point... It does seem a little unfair at times... Sure, I may not be the biggest fan of rhyme - but nobody should be criticised for their creative life choices... At any rate, from what I've heard you do, at least, try to make a decent effort of it... The words you match seem to snuggle comfortably together in apparent harmony...

SHY: (joking and yet mixing in a little sarcasm)

I... err... Well, thank you... That's very... I ought to choose my words carefully; I'd hate to say anything that might rhyme and offend you... You might prefer that I speak in free-verse, maybe?

PLATH: (blithely)

No... No... It's fine... Conversation is not art - people just bandy words about like they're giving them away free...

SHY: (thoughtfully)

I guess... Actually, I do try to think before I speak... Although Mrs Muggins, my landlady at college might disagree with you that time I drunk too much honey and ended up singing somewhat blue-tinged sea shanties until all hours of the morning... I believe I called her "an overweight badger-sniffing dinglebat..." To be fair I did once catch her sniffing a badger, but she claimed that it was a close personal friend of hers so I really ought not to judge...

PLATH: (somewhat agog)

I... Err... You're probably right... Anyway... Do help yourself to a coffee - did they give you tokens to use?

SHY: (brightly)

Ah, yes... (holds up some tokens in a little plastic bag) These, right?

PLATH: (kindly, but distracted)

Those are they! I'll leave you to sort yourself - give you a few moments to prepare... You've got plenty of time - I'll come and get you in about half an hour...

SHY NODS AND PROFESSOR PLATH HURRIES OFF - LEAVING SHY TO EXAMINE THE COFFEE MACHINE... IT LOOKS QUITE BAFFLING, BUT HE DOES HIS BEST TO PRETEND THAT HE KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON WITH IT, MUTTERING TO HIMSELF... HOWEVER, HE DOESN'T NOTICE WHEN A TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME YETI APPEARS BEHIND HIM...

TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME (TDH YETI): (helpfully)

Do you need some help? I'm an expert with that thing, you know!

SHY: (pleasantly surprised, slightly admiringly)

Oh... Well... Umm... If you like... I mean, that would be very nice of you...

TDH YETI: (almost suggestively)

What are you looking for?

SHY: (curious, intrigued)

Ohh... You know... What have you got?

TDH YETI: (not suggestively at all)

There's a menu there... Coffee... Hot chocolate... Tea...

SHY: (slightly confused, pretends not to be)

Oh, yes... Yes... I see... Sorry...

VOICE: (politely)

You do know there's a canteen if you prefer...

SHY LOOKS UP - HE RECOGNISES THE VOICE AND IS SURPRISED TO FIND IT BELONGS TO A RATHER ODD LOOKING DINNER LADY - ONLY ON CLOSER INSPECTION DOES HE REALISE THAT IT ISN'T A LADY AT ALL - IT IS HIS FRIEND, TOPPIE - DRESSED UP AS ONE!

SHY: (pleasantly surprised)

Oh! Topster! What are you doing here? I thought you were at home packing...

TDH YETI: (confused)

I'm sorry... Do you know this person?

SHY: (uncertain)

Err... Yes.. .I do...

TDH YETI: (curious)

Is this your mother?

TOPPIE: (surprised, displeased)

I am NOT his mother!

TDH YETI: (vaguely apologetic)

Okay, well sorry... It's just that you look like someone's mother...

SHY: (attempting to explain)

I know... He does a bit... It's a disguise... It's a bit complicated to explain, really...

TDH YETI: (losing interest and stalking off)

I'll leave you to it then... See you around...

SHY: (frowning)

Oh... Really! (he seems a little sad) I think he thought I was a fellow student...

TOPPIE: (apologetically)

Oh... Blimey... Sorry... Was he a potential beau...I didn't realise!

SHY: (distracted/confused)

Oh... I doubt it... Very handsome though... Never mind, aye... Why ARE you dressed like that, Toppie?

TOPPIE: (lowering voice)

Just keeping an eye on you... You never know who might be around...

SHY: (baffled, but chuckling)

Fair enough... But why dress up as a dinner-lady? You could have come as a student - hell, you could have come as my friend, no questions asked...

TOPPIE: (embarrassed)

Oh! Jeepers... I never thought of that! It's fine... I've always wanted to dress as a dinner lady, to be honest... It's the next best thing to dressing as a drag queen or one of your Pantomime Dames...

SHY: (briefly reflecting)

Ah! I've always dreamt of playing the Panto Dame.. .One day, maybe... Who knows...

TOPPIE: (brightening)

We should do a Pride48 pantomime...

SHY: (curious, confused)

As a podcast? Would that actually work? Listen... It's very good of you to come here and keep an eye out for me, but I thought you were picking up your emergency passport today...

TOPPIE: (slightly awkwardly)

Oh, it wasn't ready... They said it'll take another couple of days...

SHY: (surprised, disappointed for his friend)

Oh... Well... No problem... They're really dragging their heels considering this is meant to be an emergency visa! Oh well... You must be careful... So, is there any sign of the cat?

TOPPIE: (trying not to sound too worried)

Not at the moment... Still, maybe he'll just follow me back to the States... I'm going to have to be careful...

SHY: (reassuringly)

Oh no... I'm sure you'll be fine... We'll sort out what's going on before you have to leave...

TOPPIE: (sadly)

We don't even know what he wants! That horrid cat, I mean... Tolstoy... Do you think your cat, the lovely Deeley could try and find out?

SHY: (unsure)

I'm not sure I want to encourage that... I dunno... The whole thing is bizarre... Maybe he's just a plot-device... Had you considered that?

TOPPIE: (looking distracted)

Could be! Ah well! I suppose I should let you go... You have to give this lecture, don't you?

SHY: (slightly grumpily)

Once I've gulped back a cup of coffee - that's if I could find one...

TOPPIE: (suddenly remembering, pleased)

I brought you a flask! (he takes it from his apron pocket and hands it over)

SHY: (cheered)

Toppie! Wow! You're a miracle worker...

TOPPIE: (grinning)

To be honest I thought I was going to be late - I usually am... I thought I was going to miss you and not get the coffee to you ; but no... I made it...

SHY: (lowering tone, supportively)

Your mascara does look a little smudged - but I don't think anybody would notice...

TOPPIE: (reassuringly in return)

Don't worry - I'll keep an eye out for you...

SHY: (appreciative)

If you would... Thank you... And thank you again for the flask...

TOPPIE: (chuckling to self)

My pleasure!! Now... Run along Toppie, right?

SHY NODS - PULLING A HALF-EMBARRASSED, YET FRIENDLY FACE BEFORE HE FINDS HIMSELF A TABLE AS TOPPIE HEADS AWAY. ONCE AWAY DOWN THE HALL TOPPIE PAUSES AND GLANCES INTO A LITTLE RUCKSACK THAT HE IS CARRYING AND WE SEE THAT HE DOES ACTUALLY HAVE HIS NEW PASSPORT WITH HIM...

(mutters to self) I'm sorry, Shy... I didn't mean to lie... I just don't think I'm ready to go home yet...

MEANWHILE, SHY TENTATIVELY POURS HIMSELF OUT A COFFEE AND SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING IT - HE TAKES A FEW SIPS AND THEN HURRIES OFF TOWARDS THE LECTURE THEATRE... TIME PASSES AND WE SEE SHY UP ON THE PODIUM - IT WOULD APPEAR THAT HE IS SOME WAY THROUGH HIS LECTURE NOW AND ALL APPEARS TO HAVE GONE WELL... SO FAR...

SHY: (addressing the audience)

...And so, to conclude - I hope I have been clear about what exactly I see Yeti Poetics to be... It is less a set of rules than a way of being - a life-style... In fact it is anything BUT a set of rules - it attempts to throw away that rule-book and simply says - do what you please - don't be influenced by supposedly professional poets - there is no such thing... You don't need a certificate to be a poet... Just make sure you strive to do your very best...

HECKLER: (shouting out from the crowd)

Maybe a hug would help too...

SHY: (slightly distracted, but trying not to let it get to him)

Err... Maybe... Anyway, now... My final comment would probably be to avoid listening to anyone who tells you what type of verse you should fall in love with... There is a place for rhyme and a place for free-verse, although I do feel that much that claims to be free-verse poetry is actually flash prose trying to hop on a poetry bandwagon... This is something that needs to change - flash prose deserves a home - a following of it's own and...

HECKLER: (interrupting once again)

So who decides what is poetry and what is flash prose? Are you going to stand over it deciding what is what? You... Shy Yeti... King of Poetry?

SHY: (getting all serious for a moment, trying not to sound hurt)

Err... No... No... That's not really fair... I never said that it's my place to judge or decide - but when you write rhyming poetry you do find that many people - often other poets, in fact - will dismiss it as being doggerel or somehow second rate to a serious piece of non-rhyming poetry... I think that's very mean-spirited... I just feel that there is no place for the ticking off that many of us poets who occasionally use rhyme have received in the last 30 years - during a time when rhyming poetry has largely fallen out of fashion...

PROF PLATH: (disapproving)

Please - can we save questions for the end, thank you...

SHY: (grateful for the support)

Err... Yes, that might be best...

HECKLER: (bluntly)

Are you only making these comments because you have yourself received hurtful comments about your own work?

SHY: (patiently)

I can't deny that this has happened - of course not - only I find that writing with rhyme is a) something that adds something to a humorous verse - like a punchline at the end of a joke... and b) that to write a good poem using rhyme is a challenge - not a way of restricting oneself... I would agree that the power of rhyme has perhaps been damaged by the number of poorly conceived rhymes used in lyrics and some rap - especially ones used in very commercial songs by big stars where they don't expect to be questioned over the quality, but where there is definitely room for improvement.

HECKLER: (sarcastically)

There he goes again... The guardian of our poetic morals...

SHY: (trying not to get wound up)

Not at all... I'm just trying to debate the pros and cons of using rhyme in poetry and rap...

HECKLER: (cuttingly)

Debate? Really? I'm sorry... I never realised - because it sounded rather like you were the only one doing the talking...

SHY: (trying not to lose patience)

If you'd let me finish you will  be given the opportunity to speak yourself in a moment... Not that it's stopped you so far...

HECKLER: (sounding sarcastic)

Fair enough! You're so kind...

PROF. PLATH: (strictly)

One more comment like that and you'll be expelled from the lecture theatre... Do you hear me?

SHY: (calmly)

Thank you, professor... What I was trying to say is that I certainly don't have a problem with the use of rhyme in rap if it's done well... Of course, there are many exemplary examples of the form - in the same way as there are many poor examples of rhyme in poetry... But we shouldn't allow these bad examples to completely ruin the experience of verse when it is successful or done to a high standard...

HECKLER: (grumpily)

Says our expert here - meaning the poems that he has himself written, no doubt...

PROF. PLATH: (losing his temper)

This is most out of order... You have been warned... Who is that speaking? Stand up? STAND UP!

SHY: (trying to sound calmer)

It's fine... It's fine, professor... I've gone off the main point of my talk anyway - I didn't really mean this to be about my writing specifically - I just want to encourage people to write whatever they want and to say that I don't think that inferring that all rhyming poetry is doggerel is rather a mean-spirited attitude...

HECKLER: (sarcastically)

All hail Shy Yeti... The King of Poets...

PROF. PLATH: (enraged)

I'm calling security...

SHY: (slightly upset)

There really is no need... I'm sorry... If you'd like to carry on this conversation after the lecture has ended then I'd be perfectly happy to stay back and speak with you... I'm sorry... I can't see your face properly... What is your name, please?

BUT THE HECKLER SAYS NOTHING AS SHY SHIELDS HIS EYES AND TRIES TO FOCUS ON THE FIGURE AT THE BACK OF THE LECTURE HALL WHO HAS BEEN CALLING OUT...

(shrugging) Well, that's fine... No pressure! I'll be here afterwards if you do want to speak individually with me... Does anybody else have any questions? (he pauses, but nobody speaks) Okay, then - well, I think we're probably done... It's not quite the tone that I'd hoped to end on, but - it seems that fate has interjected...

HECKLER: (now shouting)

ALL HAIL SHY YETI... SAVIOUR OF ALL POETS...

PROF. PLATH: (also shouting)

SECURITY! SECURITY!! REALLY! THIS IS APPALLING BEHAVIOUR...

THE LECTURE HALL IS SUDDENLY FULL OF ACTIVITY - MOST OF THE STUDENTS ARE APPLAUDING POLITELY, BUT THE SECURITY GUARDS ARE NOW IN THE ROOM AND HAVE TARGETED THE HECKLER... IT IS ONLY NOW THAT WE (AND SHY) SEE THAT THE STUDENT THAT HAS BEEN CAUSING ALL THE TROUBLE IS IN FACT THE TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME GENTLEMAN WHO HAD EARLIER HELPED SHY OUT WITH THE DRINKS DISPENSER... SHY STANDS ON THE STAGE - UNCERTAIN WHETHER HE SHOULD GET DOWN - CAUGHT HALF ON AND HALF WAY OFF - WHILST HE IS DECIDING WHAT TO DO HE ENDS UP GETTING KNOCKED OVER AND FALLS BACK - HITTING HIS HEAD ON THE PODIUM... FOR A MOMENT SHY IS COMPLETELY DISORIENTATED, BUT WHEN HE OPENS HIS EYES HE IS SURPRISED AT WHAT HE SEES - EVERYONE IN THE ROOM SEEMS TO HAVE THE HEAD OF A CAT... SHY BLINKS AND THE NEXT THING HE SEES IS PROFESSOR PLATH WHO IS SHOUTING AT THE SECURITY GUARD - THEY ALL LOOK QUITE NORMAL NOW, BUT THE TALL DARK AND HANDSOME STUDENT HAS GONE... JUST THEN SHY YETI FEELS A PAIR OF HANDS PULLING HIM TO HIS FEET...

VOICE: (concerned)

I should get you home...

SHY IS GLAD TO SEE THAT IT IS TOPPIE - STILL DRESSED AS A DINNER LADY... SHY JUST NODS - STILL DAZED - HE DOESN'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO SAY...

SHY: (mutters)

I saw cats... CATS! The whole room was cats...

TOPPIE: (worried)

Oh dear! You banged your head - maybe we should get you to matron...

SHY: (attempting to reassure him)

No... No... I'll be fine... It was only a very light tap! Everything is normal again now... Really!

TOPPIE: (slightly distracted)

I'm glad to hear it... This way... There's a quick route out over here - unless you need to speak to the Professor first...

SHY: (keen to get out of there)

No! No... Let's go...

SHY AND TOPPIE HURRY FROM THE BUSY LECTURE THEATRE - STANDING IN THE SHADOWS THEY ARE WATCHED BY THE TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME STUDENT - HIS EYES ARE CAT-LIKE AND HE IS PURRING, HE SMILES...

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.