SHY YETI SHARES HIS CHRISTMAS...
Hello beasties!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Well, it's that time of year again - yes, it's time for Christmas!! This time we've got a little sketch for you involving Shy Yeti - the cast of The Mouse Of Commons and a certain notorious celebrity bear! It's been a while since I wrote about Gladstone McWhiskers and his trusty aide, Oliver Louse - so it's good to see them looking so well. Meanwhile, Beargrrrian Superstar, Charlie Grrr has also been quiet of late, although he does feature heavily in the forthcoming
BEAST OF FRIENDS MOVIE-LENGTH EPISODE, due out early in 2017. Read on to see what they all get up to...
First up we have a couple of new podcast episodes that have come out in the last week - including our 2016 Christmas Special!!
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 41: TOO SLUSHY FOR SNOWMEN? (XMAS SPECIAL 2016)
Here we are for episode FORTY ONE for our first ever Christmas Special on THE SHY LIFE PODCAST! Although Paul / Shy Yeti isn't exactly the most Christmassy of yeti he does his best to dip his toe into the festivities and asks his guests what their views are on the season - not to mention appearing on Radio Wey to read some of his silly Christmas poems. Special guests in this episode include Nick Goodman, Brenda Boo, Wifey Jo, Flatmate Calum, Tim Mitchell and Toppie Smellie - carols by The Seaford Singers and a brief cameo from DJ Starsage and Duchess Sue!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, LISTENERS!! Our next episode, number 42, will be a copy of our 3rd live show on Pride48, broadcast on Sunday 18th December 2016. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. Episode 41 was recorded between 31st August and 15th December 2016.
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 42: OUR 3RD LIVE PRIDE48 SHOW!!!
Here we are for episode FORTY TWO and it's our 3rd Live Pride48 show recorded on the night of Sunday 18th December 2016. The chatroom is rocking, there are messages from cast favourites and Cromitty is helping the aliens repair their ship! Just a minute!?! What's that coming down the road towards Paul's flat - an iceberg!?! Our next episode, number 43 sees Yeti Uncle John out and about around London. Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca, with thanks to Soundbible. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. Episode 42 was recorded live on Sunday 18th December 2016, with inserts recorded on 11th and 16th December 2016.
This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:
This episode also features me reading Christmas poems from a recent visit to Radio Wey with Tim Mitchell and Nathan Jones on Saturday 10th December. I'm hoping to include Nathan's poem on another episode - but our Christmas episode is pretty long - so I thought it would fit better when we have more time in the new year. Here are a couple of photos of me mugging for the camera during the recording of the show...
The poems that I read on the night are as follows...
LOOK, I'M NO SCROOGE
THE UNAFFORDABLE FJORD
SNOW BUNNIES
TOO SLUSHY FOR SNOWMEN
These pieces were from different eras, but had all been collected together in my 2011 mini-compilation
TOO SLUSHY FOR SNOWMEN, which was actually put together specifically for a Christmas show that I did on Radio Wey during the Christmas of 2011.
You can see me reading during those appearances at:
SHY YETI BACK ON RADIO WEY - XMAS 11...
PART 1: https://youtu.be/qOnU3HDSj_0
PART 2: https://youtu.be/pQKZesnMdrw
Anyway, I've a few Christmassy photos to share with you - some taken when I've been out and about and some from the Winter Wonderland at Hyde Park when I was out and about recently recording for the Christmas podcast.
Next up we have that little Christmas sketch that I promised you - our Shy Yeti / Mouse Of Commons cross-over...
Next time I'll be sharing with you a post including links to all of the posts I've produced during 2016... Our first post of 2017 is probably going to be a new Shy Yeti script where Shy and Toppie encounter a rather bizarre beastie with a hunger almost as great as Charlie Grrr in the following script!
Yeti hugs,
Paul xx
P.S. The first draft of this piece was written between Wednesday 23rd November and Tuesday 20th December 2016. I then worked on it and tweaked it a bit more until it was posted at the end of the week.
P.P.S. The following sketch may also be included in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - MOVIE SPECIAL sketch book when it is released in Spring 2017.
SHY YETI AND THE MANY CHRISTMAS PRANKS OF CHARLIE GRRR...
Setting: Shy Yeti is rather excited - he has been invited to one of The Mouse Of Commons's small and exclusive Christmas cheese and wine parties in Westminster; although he has met Gladstone McWhiskers on a number of occasions - he has never been to one of his parties. As he arrives he is greeted by Gladstone's faithful aide and side-kick, Oliver Louse.
SHY YETI: (enthusiastically)
Well, hello! I must say it's extremely lovely to be here...
OLIVER: (upbeat)
Well, we're so pleased that you could join us... I do hope you've brought a poem for us...
SHY: (sounding slightly embarrassed about it)
Ah yes! Well, maybe... Although, to be honest, many of my seasonal poems are either macabre or sarcastic!
OLIVER: (chuckling)
There's nothing The Mouse of Commons likes more than a little sarcasm at Christmas... Please, come through...
SHY NODS ENTHUSIASTICALLY AND THEN FOLLOWS HIM ON INTO THE HOUSE - HE IS SURPRISED BY HOW QUIET THE PLACE IS AND THEN SUDDENLY HAS A TINY PANIC...
SHY: (apologetic)
Am I the first one here? I mean - other than you and Gladstone... I'm so sorry... I must have gotten the times wrong - I'm never good with being fashionably late...
OLIVER: (reassuringly)
No, no... You're not early, at all... You're not late either - this really isn't a very busy do... Gladstone prefers to have a number of intimate dinners over the seasonal period - there are never more than half a dozen of us...
SHY: (relieved)
Oh... Really... How nice... So am I the first to arrive?
OLIVER: (delicately)
Actually no, no - you're actually not... You know Charlie, don't you? Charlie Grrr...
AT THIS POINT SHY AND OLIVER EMERGE INTO AN IMPRESSIVE RECEPTION ROOM DECKED OUT WITH CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS, YETI IS SURPRISED TO SEE A FAMILIAR BEAR CLAMBERING AROUND HALF-WAY UP THE CHRISTMAS TREE WHICH IS SWAYING WILDLY... IT WOULD APPEAR THAT HE IS AFTER SOME KIND OF CHOCOLATE THAT IS HANGING FROM ONE OF THE BRANCHES. HE ALSO HAS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A GLITTERY GLASS BAUBLE WEDGED BETWEEN HIS TEETH. THIS IS CHARLIE GRRR - LEGENDARY BEARGRRRIAN SUPERSTAR AND CONSTANT THORN IN THE SIDE OF GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND HIS TEAM...
SHY: (half wincing/half chuckling)
Of course I know, Charlie... (Oliver pulls a sympathetic face which makes Shy laugh) I suppose I should go and say hello...
OLIVER: (helpfully)
You might need to introduce yourself - or I can if you like - I know you've met him on many occasions but...
SHY: (interrupting with a friendly nod of understanding)
He always forgets a name...
OLIVER: (lowers voice)
...And a face... I had to reintroduce myself this morning... When he's in London he's around here most days and has been doing so for over a decade now... "Oh, hello..." he always says. "Are you new? What happened to the last guy?"
SHY: (surprised, but laughing now)
Ha! He must be teasing you, no?
OLIVER: (shakes head, laughing too)
I'm not convinced...
SHY: (shrugs)
Well, that's Charlie Grrr for you... He's unique...
OLIVER: (nodding in agreement)
A complete one off...
SHY: (smirking)
You're right... He's certainly a complete...
OLIVER: (cutting him off)
Play nice!
SHY: (stopping himself from saying too much)
Apologies! I'm forgetting myself...
OLIVER: (smiling, slightly distracted)
Help yourself to a drink and I'll go and let Gladstone that you've both arrived...
SHY: (surprised)
Is that it? I mean, us four?
OLIVER: (sounding terribly apologetic)
It's probably enough, to be fair... To be honest we had meant to invite you on one of the other party nights - your name ended up on the wrong list and the wrong invite had been mailed out to you... I feel bad - because I should have checked,.. It was my fault, but we've had a herd of reindeer staying here over the weekend and... Well, you know how it is! So many people just won't show up if they know Charlie is going to be here... I mean, if it's a problem you can probably slip away before he remembers who you are - you could come back another night... I'm so sorry, Shy...
SHY: (reassuring him)
No.., No, Oliver... I'll stay... It's fine... I understand...
OLIVER: (hopeful)
Are you sure? Be honest...
SHY: (nodding)
No, really... Go and fetch Gladstone... I'll try and lure him off the tree...
OLIVER: (helpful, then surprised)
Show him the mince pies... There is a whole plate of... oh...
SHY: (chuckling)
They don't appear to be there... Only crumbs.
OLIVER: (with a sigh)
Oh goodness! I'll get some more sent out... I'll be quick... Good luck prizing him off the tree...
SHY: (sincerely)
Thank you...
OLLIE HURRIES OFF AND SO SHY COLLECTS A DRINK AND THEN HEADS CAUTIOUSLY IN THE DIRECTION OF CHARLIE GRRR AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE, WHICH IS BEGINNING TO LOOK A LITTLE WORSE FOR WEAR... RATHER WEARILY SHY CALLS OUT TO CHARLIE...
SHY: (at the top of his voice)
CHARLIE!! HOW WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU!! IT'S BEEN AGES...
THE CHRISTMAS TREE STOPS SHAKING - CHARLIE REMAINS LOST AMONGST THE BRANCHES...
CHARLIE: (pleasantly surprised)
Hello!? Who is that!? I recognise the voice... Is that you, yeti?
SHY: (amazed that Charlie actually remembers him)
YES! IT IS I!!
CHARLIE: (overly enthusiastic)
SIMON! THIS IS WONDERFUL... I THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL IN L.A.!
SHY: (embarrassed/apologetic)
Oh... No... It's not Simon Yeti... It's me - Shy Yeti...
CHARLIE: (not hiding his disappointment very well)
Ah! SHY!! How nice... It's been ages... (suddenly unsure) Has it been ages?
SHY: (attempting to remind him)
It has been a while... We went to a Halloween Party a couple of years ago... I came as a pumpkin and you were a vampire bat...
CHARLIE: (in remembrance)
Oh yes! I do remember that now you mention it! I got stuck in a tree... Rather like today, actually...
SHY: (trying not to smirk)
I didn't like to say as much, but yes - do you need a hand down?
CHARLIE: (trying not to sound too in need - or too grateful at the suggestion)
Err... Yes... Well, maybe... As it's you...
SHY SMILES AND DOES HIS BEST TO HELP CHARLIE DOWN FROM THE TREE - AND JUST AT THIS MOMENT OLIVER RETURNS, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS...
GLADSTONE: (in full welcoming mode)
WELCOME!! WELCOME!! HOW LOVELY TO SEE YOU BOTH...
OLIVER: (mutters under breath)
Even Charlie!?
GLADSTONE: (lowers voice as he turns back to Ollie)
YES! Even Charlie... At least until he does something more permanently damaging to us than scaling our Christmas Tree... (addressing the bear and speaking normally again) SO... How was the view, Charlie!
CHARLIE: (extra polite)
Oh... Most pleasant... Most pleasant... I found a few chocolates near the top...
SHY: (teasing)
Let me guess... Did you accidentally swallow them?
CHARLIE: (grinning as he recalls his own behaviour)
Well, yes - I did swallow them - but not accidentally...
GLADSTONE: (not at all worried)
That's fine, Charlie... They needed eating up...
CHARLIE: (vaguely concerned)
Oh! They did?
GLADSTONE: (sounding quite pleased about it)
Yes... We need to get some new ones...
OLIVER: (whispering, turning to Shy)
Those chocolates were AT LEAST fifteen years old...
SHY: (whispering back)
Eww! That bear really is disgusting...
OLIVER: (nodding, with a grin)
Oh, I know... I actually keep a list - in fact it's more of a blog, to be honest...
SHY: (trying not to laugh out loud)
Really? Are you kidding? You really keep a blog of the disgusting things that Charlie Grrr does?
OLIVER: (slightly sadly)
Absolutely. I get bored some days... All the kids have left home and the wife is always off with her pals to one event or another...
SHY: (admiringly)
I would have thought keeping up with the Mouse would be enough for anyone...
OLIVER: (chuckling)
You'd think... I'm just a very good multi-tasker - I also blog in my sleep...
SHY: (not sure whether to believe him or not)
REALLY!?
OLIVER: (growing aware that they are being rather unsociable)
Now I really AM kidding... At least I think I am... Come on... We'd better join the party...
SHY: (lightly sarcastic, giggles)
I'm not sure I can cope with the crowds... Oh, go on then...
OLIVER GRINS AND THEN THE TWO OF THEM HEAD OVER TO JOIN CHARLIE AND GLADSTONE... CHARLIE APPEARS TO BE ATTEMPTING TO IMPRESS THE MOUSE BY JUGGLING WITH THREE BAUBLES FROM THE TREE, WHILST SINGING HIS LATEST HIT SONG...
CHARLIE: (failing to keep to the tune)
MY NAME IS GRRR - MY FUR IS GLOSSY... I HEAR THEM CLAIM... THAT BEAR'S SO BOSSY! SO, IS IT TRUE? AM I A TERROR? I'LL TELL YOU NO... YOU SPEAK IN ERROR...
SHY: (enthusiastically)
You're really working those rhymes, Charlie... Loving it!
CHARLIE: (appreciative)
Oh, thank you, Simon...
SHY: (through gritted teeth)
Shy...
CHARLIE: (confused)
No, I'm fine... Shy? When have I ever been Shy?
OLIVER: (whispers)
That's his name, Charlie...
CHARLIE:
What is?
GLADSTONE: (irritated, raising his voice, but still speaking calmly)
SHY! SHY YETI... Him... Here... Standing next to you...
CHARLIE: (patronising)
For goodness sake, I know what his name is...
SHY: (smiling through the "pain")
Only you called me Simon...
CHARLIE: (in disagreement)
Who? I did? Nonsense...
OLIVER: (chipping in supportively)
You actually did...
CHARLIE: (rather unconvincingly)
Haha! Actually I know I did! It was a joke - and you all fell for it...
GLADSTONE: (nodding, nonplussed)
Indeed... Hilarious...
SHY IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN THEY ALL HEAR A LOUD GURGLING NOISE - WHICH SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE THE DRAINS STRUGGLING TO EMPTY, CHARLIE LOOKS SLIGHTLY GUILTY AND PATS HIS BELLY AFFECTIONATELY...
CHARLIE: (embarrassed)
Apologies! Just my stomach... I've not eaten since... well, it was probably about ten minutes ago...
OLIVER: (mutters)
I make it more like five...
CHARLIE: (confidently)
I don't mean to be rude, but will we be eating soon? Does anybody know?
GLADSTONE: (confirming, still trying not to sound exasperated)
Of course... Of course...
CHARLIE: (excited, distracted)
Ah good... Then I should probably hurry off and wash my paws before we do...
GLADSTONE: (nodding)
Of course...
OLIVER: (helpfully)
I'll show him where the bathroom is...
GLADSTONE: (grateful)
Thank you, Ollie...
OLIVER LEADS CHARLIE OUT OF THE ROOM TOWARDS THE WASHROOM, LEAVING SHY TO DISCUSS MATTERS WITH GLADSTONE - WHO BRINGS UP AN INTERESTING TOPIC...
(pondering) It's fascinating meeting you, you know... I mean, how do you keep up with it all?
SHY: (confused)
How I do I what?
GLADSTONE: (attempting to explain)
Well, there's so many versions of you out there - the writer, the poet, the podcaster, the hero, the villain - facts and fictions all swirling around together - it's quite confusing!
SHY: (grinning reassuringly)
Oh well... I suppose you're right - I'd never really thought about it, although I can assure you that the villain part of me is definitely just a fictional version by way of being a good plot twist in a story...
GLADSTONE: (chuckling)
I never doubted it...
THEY BOTH LAUGH, JUST AS OLIVER RETURNS - HE APPEARS INTERESTED...
OLIVER: (curious)
So, what are you two talking about?
SHY: (slightly cryptically)
Fact and fiction and the point somewhere inbetween where reality may lie...
OLIVER: (excitedly)
Oooh, yes... I read a story somewhere where you were stealing super-robots from Whitehall... That didn't really happen, did it?
GLADSTONE: (rolling his eyes)
No, Ollie... No, it didn't...
OLIVER: (trying again)
What about when you tried to get away with bribing a policeman by using a magic librarian's shhh?
SHY: (embarrassed now)
Ah... I'm afraid that this might have been true - still, it didn't work...
GLADSTONE: (keen to change the subject)
Never fear - I'm sure I'd have tried it too given the knowledge... Anyway... Where's Charlie, Ollie? Still washing his paws?
OLIVER: (unsure)
Errr... Yes, I suppose so... He's been a while, hasn't he?
SHY: (teasing)
I hope he's not fallen in...
GLADSTONE: (impatient to eat now)
Come along - let's head for the dining room - we can detour and pick him up as we pass by...
THE OTHER TWO NOD AND FOLLOW GLADSTONE - THERE IS STILL NO SIGN OF CHARLIE, BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF NOISES COMING FROM THE KITCHEN AND SUDDENLY THE DOORS OPEN AND GLADSTONE'S CHEF AND ALL THE OTHER KITCHEN STAFF COME RUNNING THROUGH, CALLING OUT - ALL LOOKING QUITE ALARMED...
VARIOUS STAFF: (cries)
BEAR!! BEAR!! RAVENOUS BEAR!! RUN!! RUN!!
GLADSTONE: (cross/confused)
What IS going on!?
OLLIE: (taken-aback)
Good grief, is Charlie in there!?
SHY: (dismayed)
IN THE KITCHEN!?! Oh, gracious... This isn't going to end well...
OLLIE: (calling out)
CHARLIE! CHARLIE! ARE YOU IN THERE?
GLADSTONE: (outraged, but trying to hold it back)
Is it just me or does that kitchen door look pretty firmly locked?
SHY: (shouting through the closed door)
CHARLIE!! WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?
OLLIE: (joining in)
CHARLIE! SPEAK TO US...
GLADSTONE:
Let me speak to him... (the others nod and Gladstone approaches the door, he speaks more gently) Charlie... Hello... It's me, McWhiskers... Now what on earth is going on in there - we were all about to go and sit down to dinner... Are you alright? You've caused a bit of a scare, I must say...
CHARLIE: (on the other side of the door - his mouth clearly full of food)
I seem to have accidentally got myself locked in here... (and then trying to sound sincere) It's okay... I'm sure there must be some kind of food in here... I don't think I'll starve...
SHY: (interrupting)
Yes, Charlie... That's what we're all concerned about... Is there anything left?
CHARLIE: (indignant)
Of course... Of course there is! Plenty!
OLLIE: (disgruntled)
But for how long... (Shy nods in agreement)
GLADSTONE: (firmly)
Charlie... Please open that door....
THERE IS SILENCE BUT THE DOOR EVENTUALLY OPENS... THE KITCHEN IS EMPTY - ALL THE FOOD IS GONE - THE PLATES AND DISHES LICKED CLEAN IN LITERALLY SECONDS...
CHARLIE: (sadly)
I'm sorry Gladstone, but I'd say that it appears that your catering team has failed to deliver...
SHY: (shocked)
CHARLIE!!
GLADSTONE: (surprisingly calm, suddenly)
Yes, so it would appear... I'll certainly have to speak to them next time I see them...
SHY: (whispers)
Why doesn't The Mouse get cross?
OLLIE: (resignedly)
What's the point? Charlie would only go and record a concept album about it... Wow! There was so much food there earlier...
SHY: (shaking his head in disbelief)
Good point... How on earth did he manage to eat it all - his stomach must be bigger on the inside...
OLLIE: (raising an eyebrow)
It's pretty big on the outside too...
GLADSTONE: (trying not to be overly sarcastic, but failing)
Come along... We'll go and get something from the Chinese Takeaway... If you'd like another drink, Charlie - then please help yourself... I mean, you seem to have done okay, so far...
CHARLIE: (sounding slightly hurt)
What EVER do you mean?
OLLIE: (openly rude)
Well, you've just been helping yourself, haven't you?
SHY: (joining in)
We all know what you did...
CHARLIE: (trying to make them feel bad)
What? Hey? I don't understand... I'm not going to let you go to the Chinese restaurant without me... I'm STARVING!!
THE OTHERS JUST SHAKE THEIR HEADS AND SIMPLY TURN AWAY... CHARLIE WATCHES AND THEN HE SUDDENLY BLURTS OUT...
DON'T FORGET, I'M PAYING! IT'S MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO YOU ALL...
GLADSTONE: (coolly)
There's no need, Charlie...
CHARLIE: (trying to sound innocent)
Oh! Really! It's the least I can do! Please... It's my treat! HAPPY CHRISTMAS... Come on guys...
WE WATCH THE FOUR OF THEM SHUFFLING OFF - OUT THE HOUSE AND OFF DOWN THE STREET - CHARLIE TALKING ALL THE WHILE AS THEY WALK...
(voice gradually fading) Don't be mad... Okay! Okay! I admit it... I may have had a little snack whilst I was in there... You don't know how tough it is, guys - being a bear... I'm a slave to my appetite guys.... Come on.... Speak to me! Speak to me, guys... I promise I won't do it again... Honestly I won't... I promise I'll make it up to you... We'll all be tucking into our dinner soon... Oh, come on! I've apologised... What more can I do? Speak to me... Come on... It's Christmas... Season of goodwill... Let's not fall out over this... I mean... The food was just lying there! What was I meant to do! I can't help myself... I mean, you knew I was coming... It's kind of your fault in a way... (sounding apologetic again) No! No! I probably shouldn't have said that! Let me give you free tickets to my next tour... We're playing all over Beargrrria... You'll love it! Love it... I'll put you up in a hotel... As much food and drink as you can get through... (we hear the others beginning to chuckle and laugh) There we go! That's made you smile, hasn't it... I'm finally getting through to you... Thank pie-ness!!
OLLIE: (with fake fear)
Please don't make us go on one of your tours, Charlie...
SHY: (chipping in)
That just adds insult to injury...
GLADSTONE: (adding his comment)
Let's just be friends and leave it at that... No need to torture us...
CHARLIE: (completely confused)
WHAT!? WHAT... YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT!? RIGHT!?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND...
THE OTHER THREE: (in unison)
OH, SHUT UP, CHARLIE!!
CHARLIE CONTINUES TO PROTEST AS THE OTHER THREE BEGIN TO SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS - DISAPPEARING INTO THE CHINESE RESTAURANT - CHARLIE CONTINUES TO PROTEST OUTSIDE, BUT THEN EVENTUALLY HE GOES IN TOO...
THE END...
HAPPY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.
A NEW PODCAST EPISODE - OUT NOW...
THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 43: YETI UNCLE JOHN'S BIG DAY OUT...
