Hi,

Here's another new one which inspired by some pictures my friend Neph sent me of his dog, Zelda, back home in Mexico. Zelda is a bit of a fashion junky and likes wearing doggy clothes and as it was Neph's birthday yesterday I decided to write the following poem. It's really rather silly, but Neph (and I'm sure Zelda too!) apparently really liked it. Hoorah!

I hope you like it!

Paul

PS Sadly the photo of Zelda was too large a file size for me to include here...
PPS Nothing from the Daily Telegraph as yet! Ah well...


MY DOG IN A DRESS...
(01/12/2005)

My dog in a dress...
Looks better than you!
Her eyes are bright...
Her clothes brand new!
She wags her tail...
She shows no fear!
And unlike you...
She's glad I'm here!
She shows she's happy -
With her lively bark...
Whilst you, my dear...
You've lost your spark!

My dog in glasses...
Is far more swish -
Than you ever were...
Or could even wish!
I know you try...
Your very best...
But my dog she -
Has a certain zest!
Unlike you she knows...
What's chic! What suits!
So ditch your fringe...
And fake fur boots!

My dog in curlers...
Has it “going on!”
Whilst any style you had...
Has surely gone...
Stripes are just -
Not “in” this year...
You're wrong!
On that my dog is clear!!
With her beehive hair -
And her new Ipod...
She looks the biz...
Whilst (once again)
You just look odd!

My dog in fashion...
Wears roller-boots...
She gathers others -
Her new recruits!
Yet none will look...
As good as her...
Then alas, there's you...
A “never were”!
It's time you faced it...
Oh yes indeed!
To just give up...
And accept my
Princess took the lead!

Hi!

I have been working quite a bit on poems for the new collection - having done over 20 now...

Here is a sample of just one of the new ones. It's seasonal and inspired by the fact that my sister in law is due to have a baby anytime now! My dad liked it so much he has just sent it off to the Daily Telegraph! Only time will tell if they like it... Ah well! I hope you do, at least!

More soon! Paul xx


I WANT TO BE BORN BEFORE CHRISTMAS...
(27/11/2005)

I just wanna be born before Christmas...
I hate that I might just miss out!
I wanna big cuddle from Santa...
Though I'm clueless of what he's about!
I may be a sweet unborn baby...
I may not have that many rights...
I might lay there and just do some kicking...
And keep mother awake in the nights!


Yes, I just wanna be born before Christmas...
I've a right to my share of the goods...
Of the turkey, roast tatos and stuffing...
Of the crackers, the cake and mince puds...
I know that you think I am ga-ga...
I know yet I'm not even there...
But I hope you will soon be in labour...
So we make this a family affair!


I just wanna be born before Christmas...
I’d love to see Rudolph’s red nose...
And all of the elves and the reindeer...
But I fear I shall miss all of those!
Yes alas, you will keep me imprisoned...
So I miss all the festive display!
I still don't have a clue to it's meaning...
But I think I prefer it that way!


I insist that I'm born before Christmas...
And I know that this isn't the norm!
But if I miss this event by a minute...
I'm gonna kick up SUCH a storm!
I had hoped to get loads of nice presents...
I had hoped you would give them with glee...
Whilst my own little gift to you people...
Is a pink, screaming bundle – it’s ME!!


Oh, I would like to be born before Christmas...
But I know that I'm not really due...
So I want to be born before Easter...
And I'm afraid that will just have to do!!

Hi,

I've been rather distracted by other projects recently - but am planning a bit of a re-launch of Poetiquette, probably sometime in the new year.

So, what have I been up to since the summer - mainly writing TALES OF A SHY YETI, which you can find posted up at www.shyyeti.blogspot.com - a project which also can be purchased at 2.50 (+ £1 P&P) in a printed form which also includes reprints from my 2003 blogsite WORLD OF YETI and also some of the older, more furrier examples of my poetry.

So far 2 stories have been completed and are ready to buy/view: THE TALES OF THE BIRTHDAY BEAR and THE TALE OF THE TENBY SAUSAGES and episodes are being posted up once a week on the Shy Yeti blog. (Currently up to Part 4 of the 2nd story as of today...) The third story is almost ready to go and the 4th is currently being written.

As of Story 4 I intend to include new poems in the printed volumes of Shy Yeti and the following new verse is one of those. I hope you enjoy it...

Bye for now!

Paul x

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE 18, AGAIN...
(20/09/2005)

I wouldn't want to be 18 again...
I wouldn't want to be young...
I would rather not endure it...
I would rather just be hung!
I would rather I was dipped...
Into a vat of rancid pears...
I would rather go play kiss chase -
In a forest full of bears!

No, don't make me 18 again...
It's a fate far worse than spots...
I'd rather do your housework, naked...
Yes - I'll scrub your pans and pots...
It's an age when you get growlly...
When you've not yet grown your claws...
When you're feuding with your family...
To champion EVERY useless cause!

Please! I will not be 18 again...
I know I'm sounding weird...
Back then my clothes were gothic...
I never laughed! I simply jeered...
I never flirted with my teacher...
Never had some heady fling!
I simply sat about and moaned some!
I never did a bloody thing!

Yes, I refuse to be 18 again...
There's no way I'm going back...
I'll not get another piercing -
Nor ever smoke another pack!
Yes, it's true my fur was flying...
Yes, my language was obscene...
But we snorted every substance...
And drunk whole pints of Windowlene!!

18 seems such a world away...
And far from being best...
It appears more like some torture...
Or some sad pathetic test...
Such thrills they soon grow boring...
Yes, the novelty wears out...
Replaced by aches and pains -
And a tendency for gout...

I may well become that youth again...
When I'm nearing eighty one...
When my years have all slipped by...
And all my memories have gone...
Should I embrace that second childhood?
Or like some wasp about to die...
Should I sting whoever's passing...
And just forget I once could fly...

Oh, the mystery of the ages...
Oh, the sights that I have seen...
If I have to be reborn soon...
Please, may I skip the age - EIGHTEEN!!!

P.S. You may also like to check out another of my recent blogsites. The online diary of Charlie Grrr - talking bear celebrity and Andy Warhol wannabe - which can be found at www.bearyondbearlief.blogspot.com Charlie has just arrived in London and is finding that the city is far from the cosmopolitan paradise he had expected!!

Thanks to A.A. for the Photo - Copyright A.A. 2004.

Hello and welcome!!

To the second new poem to be released from POETIQUETTE!

It's called CRIME OFTEN PAYS and is an immoral tale of opportunity and responsibility flaunted and misused. So revel in it and lead the revolution, all you Robin Hoods out there.

Copies of POETIQUETTE can be purchased for £5 + £1.50 P&P by contacting me for details at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk.

Another sample will be posted later this month.

Enjoy!

Paul x


CRIME OFTEN PAYS…


Crime often pays is a phrase I believe…

As a means to an end - you’ve a right to deceive!

Yes, a right to a living…

Please, take all you need…

Then go show all those doubters!

You’re bound to succeed!!

Does a polo neck suit you?

Something dapper and dark?

Try the life of a cat burglar –

You could make quite a mark!

Raffles did it before – now…

The finger’s pointing at YOU!

There is much left to steal…

You’ve a lot still to do!

Be a felon – a sneak thief…

Quick! Amassing a horde!

Making sure you enjoy it!

For we’d hate that you’re bored!

Tippy-toed on the rooftop - your swag bag to hand!

With your get-away car and your escape routes all planned!

Ah yes – crime often pays!

Sure, despite all that’s taught!

It’s all there for the taking…

Just now don’t let’s get caught!

Remember prison’s for losers…

For the third rate of brain!

If you must – do your time…

Then get out there again!

Your own crime of the century…

Now, this better be good!

Making front headline news…

Yes, you know that it should!

For if you don’t do it well…

Then no one else gives a fig!

Yes…

Because crime only pays…

ONCE YOU’RE MAKING IT BIG!!

HI!!!

LOOK OUT!

THERE'S ANOTHER POEM ABOUT TO BE POSTED FROM THE NEW BOOK; POETIQUETTE...

WATCH THIS SPACE TOMORROW!!

Paul x

Hello and welcome!!

To the first new poem to be released from POETIQUETTE!

It's called A YETI'S FUR and is a true story of love, life and furry beasties...

Copies of POETIQUETTE can be purchased for £5 + £1.50 P&P by contacting me for details at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk.

Another sample will be posted during the summer.

Enjoy!

Paul x

A YETI’S FUR…


A yeti’s fur will fall out –
If he’s feeling under used…
He’ll make a dreadful sniffle –
If he’s feeling he’s abused…
You will get a baldly yeti…
So best pretend you give a toss…
He will snort and stamp a little…
For he likes to show who’s boss…

A yeti’s eyes will deaden…
If his birthday is forgot…
Make sure it’s on your calendar –
Or his temper may grow hot…
If you haven’t bought him presents…
That are wrapped so bright and gay…
Then best make a hurried exit…
Because things will not be okay!

A yeti’s claws will soon be blunted…
Should he have nothing left to scrape…
He needs his paws for catching dinner…
So they can’t get out of shape…
Of course, he’ll wear a pair of gloves…
For when he’s meeting with the Queen…
Because he wouldn’t want to hurt her…
Nor cut her up – for that is mean.

A yeti’s tum may gurgle…
If he’s not routinely fed with cake…
If you haven’t bought him jelly…
Or a thick milk chocolate shake…
If you haven’t cooked him French fries…
Or pate made from Swedish vole…
If you serve him a koala…
He is sure to eat it whole…

A yeti’s growl will weaken…
If it’s not allowed to grow…
The ones out there on the mountains…
Practice projection, don’t you know…
But a proper city yeti…
Does not always get that chance…
He must attend a special workshop…
So that his growl will soon enhance!

A yeti’s face will sadden –
If you do not give a fig…
He will shrivel up real small…
Although he’s usually so big…
He’ll lose his fur – his tum will grumble...
Weak in claw and meek of growl…
So please NEVER treat a yeti badly…
Incase he throws in the furry towel...

Hi,

I'm finally able to announce the arrival of a new book of verse. It's available as of Monday 23rd May and is entitled POETIQUETTE.

Titles in this volume include:
ALWAYS ATTACH A KITTEN TO YOUR TOAST…
ANTHONY’S SOCKS…
ATTENTION SEEKER…
AWARDS LIKE CANDY…
BALLAD OF SUZIE AND ANGUS…
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE DON’T LOOK DOWN ON ME…
BEING COY…
BRITNEY NEEDS A CARDIE…
CAKE AND EAT IT…
CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?
COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING…
CRIME OFTEN PAYS…
DEAR ROBERT – DEAR CHARLES…
DO YOU MIND?
THE ETIQUETTE OF AFFAIRS…
FAT MICHELLE…
FEELS LIKE THE END DAYS…
FOREVER BLUBBING…
GAY CHIHUAHUA…
GO DIGITAL…
GROWLY ERIC…
HER OFF THE TELLY…
HIM OFF TV…
HOPELESS ROMANTIC?
I DIDN’T FIT IN (BUT I DO NOW!)
I DIDN’T MEAN IT…
IF DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER…
I HAVE A LIMITED APPEAL…
I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH PHOTOS OF YOUR KIDS…
I REMIND HIM OF SOMEBODY ELSE…
I WANT A LOVER LIKE MATHILDE…
I WANT THEM TO SEE ME…
KIRSTY (COULD REALLY PICK’EM!)
KITTEN IN A BOW TIE…
LIFE IN A JAR…
LOOK AT ME–NOT THROUGH ME…
THE LOVE DITTY OF PAULINE AND GRAHAM…
MATCHMAKING GOD…
A MERRY BAND…
MISTER BEE…
MOLLYCODDLED…
MY MEMORY…
THE NEW CHAV…
NEW KITTY SIDE-KICK…
THE PLACE WHERE EX’S GO…
PLAYING GROWN-UP…
PRE-OP PUP…
PUTTING LIFE ON HOLD…
RED TAPE…
THE RULES OF GOOD-LOOKINGNESS…
SCARED OF THE QUEEN…
A 2ND RATE LOTHARIO…
SHOPPING AROUND…
SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE STRAIGHT…
SOMETHING TO DECLARE…
SOMEWHERE INBETWEEN…
SONNY & CHER OF EUROVISION…
THEY NEVER SAW ME GO…
THOSE DREAMS AGAIN…
TROUBLEMAKER…
VALENTINES DAY IS CANCELLED…
VALENTINES SOLDIERS…
WANNA BE A BEAR…
WHAT IF THEY’D AXED FOOTBALL?
WHEN THE MIGHTY FALL…
WHEN THE MILKMAN CALLS!
WITH ANOTHER…
WON’T STAY SWEET FOREVER…
A YETI’S FUR…
YOU DON’T EXIST…
YOU HAVE YOUR BELIEFS…

You can get a copy by mailing me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk - entitling your mail POETIQUETTE and I'll pass on details of where to send your payment.

I shall be posting the first single from the new book, "A Yeti's Fur" on Monday.

Paul

Hi!

This is the 4th and last "single" that I'll be releasing off MUGSHOTS. It's called THE ONLY YOU THERE IS... and is a quirkily funny and sentimental ditty that I'd had written down in my file of potential poems since 2003. It took a while for me to come up with something that fitted - but I'm very pleased with the finished result. I hope you enjoy it, too.

In addition to this I have just completed work on a revised version of my 2001 debut collection, JUNK/FOOD. It contains a brand new cover and more detailed background notes. Some of the poems contained date back to 1992 - but it's probably worth a read if you've not seen this one before.

Copies of MUGSHOTS are available from BEECHES BOOKS at a cost of £5 + £1 p&p. The revised version of JUNK/FOOD is only £4 + £1 p&p.

You can email for more information at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk.

I am well on the way to finishing another volume: POETIQUETTE which I foresee will be ready by late April/early May. I have currently written over 40 new pieces for inclusion, with another half dozen or so to complete. I expect to stop writing and move onto the editing stage by Easter, when I will be on leave. Usually I come up with one or two more for the collection during this point. They'll probably be about 50 new poems in all.

Next time I should be mailing about the new volume - with a sample from that! :-)

Enjoy!

Paul x

THE ONLY YOU THERE IS...


You're the only you there is...
You're the only you I know...
Yes, you have a certain something...
A sort of radioactive glow!
Whoever raised you had the right idea!
Too iconic to be moved!
You’re kooky – yet it suits you!
You just couldn’t be improved!J


You're unique - a total one-off...
Though you're getting pretty old!
There is no-one left like you here...
Alas, they didn't keep the mould...
Still, you look good for such a veteran...
I’d say you’re almost kinda chic!
Hey! Perhaps they will restore you...
After all...
You must be verging on antique!


I am sure they'd deem you priceless...
If they put you up for sale...
There'd be trouble if they lost you...
If they put you in the mail!!
They should wrap you up in cotton wool -
Just in case you get a bruise!
T’would be a shame to spoil perfection…
Now you’ve given up the booze!!


You’re a treasure – irreplaceable!
And immune to being cloned!
You’d look lovely on the mantelpiece -
Quite a pleasure to have owned!
You’re the only you worth having…
All the rest aren’t worth a damn!
You’re a real life Super hero…
Any others are a sham…


Yes, you're the only you I know of...
You're the only you there is...
You're a lighthouse in the darkness...
A fine wine that’s full of fizz...
You’re fantabulous – terrific!!
No, you’ll never go to seed…
Not just the only you I know…
But true…You’re the only you I NEED!!

Hi!

Welcome to the third "single" from my latest collection of verse: MUGSHOTS... This one's called NEVER STEAL ANOTHER MAN'S RHUBARB... a rather nonsense maxim one of my friends used to use in the early 1990s! I never did understand what he meant!

New poems since the last posting which will be included in my new collection POETIQUETTE include: THE BALLAD OF SUSIE AND ANGUS…, THE ETIQUETTE OF AFFAIRS…, THE LOVE DITTY OF PAULINE AND GRAHAM…, NEW KITTY SIDE-KICK…, SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS... and VALENTINES DAY IS CANCELLED THIS YEAR…

I'm also working at the moment on a revised version of JUNK/FOOD - my first collection from Winter 2001, which should be available in the Spring.

Anyway! Enjoy the new one...

Paul :-) x

NEVER STEAL ANOTHER MAN'S RHUBARB!!

Never steal another man’s rhubarb…
Never fake a faint nor swoon…
You may find yourself molested…
By an ape or large baboon!!!

Never tickle a turtle’s toenails…
No, never bushwhack a gnu…
Never paint a panda purple…
Nor thieve its prize bamboo!!

Never dangle a donkey’s carrots!
In a pot of quick cement…
The beastie might get panicked…
Whilst the veg will end up bent!

Never mince the words of strangers…
Never hang them on a line…
If you sharpen your machete…
Then your kids will never whine!

Never cremate your maiden Uncle!
Never ask him home for tea!
Never join a roller-disco…
Unless they let you in for free!

Never play a strip tease Cribbage…
In a wardrobe made of cheese…
You’ll never get the smell out!
And it’ll only make you sneeze!

Never ride a rogue fish finger…
Never let it toss you loose…
It will try to snap your head off…
And drag you back to it’s Caboose!!

Never try to hug a phoenix…
No, not even if you’re cold!
Never flirt with sleepy badgers!
They won’t do a thing they’re told!

Never trap a hound dogs ego…
Nor pursue a puss’s purr!
Never wash your hair with acid!
Unless you want to shed your fur…

No, never steal another’s rhubarb…
For such a thing may cause “to-doo”…
Yes, if you stole some fella’s rhubarb…
If I were him - then I would sue!!

Hello again!

As promised - here is the second "single" from my new book of poems : MUGSHOTS.

As I wrote in the book itself...

"It's a silly, but true poem… I’ve read a couple of biographies lately – (esp. the Kenneth Williams diaries) which I gave up on in his later years because the entries became too depressing… And so I had my inspiration! I don’t always skip the end of biographies though, please note – I recently reached the end of one about Andy Warhol and that can hardly be described as great fun towards the end. But at least I got there! My friend Dan seemed to approve of the concept and especially noted the motorised puma line as a favourite – I think that line sort of came about by mistake actually!!!"

I am happy to announce that I am currently working on another dozen or so poems for the next collection, which is tentatively entitled: POETIQUETTE. Completed poems so far include ANTHONY'S SOCKS and WON'T STAY SWEET FOREVER... More details as they come about.

Once again, MUGSHOTS is available for £5 + £1 P&P and further details are available by mailing me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk

Thanks! Enjoy the poem.

Paul x

I CAN’T BEAR THE END…
(BIOGRAPHICAL WORK)


I just CAN’T bear the end of biographical work…
No, they just crack me up…
Make me sob…
Go berserk!
I CAN’T bear to hear –
How things all went to pot!
How folk once were successful -
And then they were not…
How the smiles once were bright…
Accolades from afar…
Until one day, mown down…
By a cross-dressing Tsar…
Death by motorised Puma…
Or mean Billy Goat…
Badly mauled by a field mouse…
Which went for the throat…
Oh, I flick through the pages –
I go speeding on through…
But still slow near the end…
Because it simply won’t do!
No, I can’t bear to read…
Of those sad later years…
So I stop when they’re happy…
And neither dead nor in tears…
No, I CAN’T bear the end of biographical tome…
All distraught on the sofa…
When I’m reading at home…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

There are two new volumes of poetry available from this Spring.

The first is hot off the press and entitled MUGSHOTS!!

It's a collection of mainly quite stoopid verse, written between September and December 2004.

The first poem posted from the new book is I AM NEVER INVITED TO ORGIES... a sort of Alan Bennett meets Pam Ayres style ditty which was one of the last pieces written for this collection, but is a good scene-setter for the rest of the volume.

MUGSHOTS is available at £5.00 + P&P - contact shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk for further details.

The second collection was originally available in a limited edition back in the Autumn.

LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED...

It's a slightly darker collection than usual - containing over 50 compositions and is also priced £5.

I hope you enjoy the new poem - more from MUGSHOTS will be posted later in the month.

Paul x

I AM NEVER INVITED TO ORGIES…


I am never invited to orgies…
Don’t I quite look the type – am I mocked?
I have always quite fancied Wife Swapping…
Though my sinus are quite badly blocked!
I think maybe I come over too quiet…
And seems that no one expects it of me…
But I believe I’d enjoy a nice orgy…
Or to begin with – a cuddle for THREE!

I am never invited to orgies…
It would seem I’m not that sort of girl…
But the stories I’ve heard seem alluring…
And they leave my poor mind in a whirl!
I would like to succumb to a sauna…
Something crazy – mixed bathing – you know…
But I no longer wish just to imagine…
Grab my bus pass and off I shall go!

But, I’m never invited to orgies…
Left to cook, wash ‘n’ clean – back at home…
A loyal Mothers’ Union member!
I would relish the chance now to roam…
I would thrive on some nice slap and tickle…
I’d enjoy a quick roll in the hay…
I’d enjoy hanging out in a brothel…
To find out just how much punters might pay!

I am never invited to orgies…
Perhaps my poor fashion sense wrote me off…
Holey cardies – old slippers and pinneys!
Are maybe clothes at which Swingers might scoff!
I’m in danger of becoming quite frisky…
“Au naturel” in a wood, by a lake…
Yes, I’d dearly adore a quick fumble…
Knead the dough really hard when I bake…

Still, I’m never invited to orgies…
My poor husband he turns a blind eye…
So, what if the man is a Bishop!
At least the old devil could TRY!
I am frustrated and sexually challenged…
I am quite sadly lacking a squeeze!
So, I’ve put in my letter to Santa…
Will you fix me an orgy soon, please?

No, I’m never invited to orgies…
One day soon I will spread out my wings!
One day soon be more naughty than nice, see…
And do some quite inappropriate things!
So, I’ve been down Anne Summers preparing…
I will send out the invites today…
Yes, I will throw soon – my very own orgy -
…AND YOU BET I SHALL CAUSE AN AFFRAY!!!