POETIQUETTE AT THE POETRY CAFE...

THE ONE AND ONLY "SHY YETI" SHOW OF 2015

Hello beasties!

This week we're reviewing what occurred when John Smallshaw and I returned to The Poetry Café on Thursday 29th October 2015 for my recent POETIQUETTE show; my one and only event this year due to being slightly under-par in the old yeti health stakes. Still, I wasn't going to let nonsense like that completely stop me going out there and performing some daft verse on one night in 2015, oh no!!

Next up are the titles of the poems that I read on the night... I picked them pretty randomly just before the show, but was later glad to see that I hadn't repeated too many pieces from my last Poetry Café appearance in Halloween 2014. I even managed to read one or two that had never been performed before - including one very new piece written in the last 12 months. I consider that a result as I've written very few new poems during 2015. Of course, because the audience was mainly made up of people who didn't know my work, it gave me a chance to perform some of my old favourites too: THE TRUE LIGHT, A LEARNING EXPERIENCE, BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD etc. I also got to dedicate a couple of poems to Twitter friends who had requested specific titles and also celebrated the 10th anniversary since POETIQUETTE was first published; this being the 8th and final volume of my pre-Lulu books to be reissued over the last few years. But, anyway...

POETIQUETTE
POETRY CAFE, THURSDAY 29TH OCTOBER 2015

FIRST HALF

A YETI WAY OF THINKING

HE WAS JUST AN EVERYDAY WEREWOLF...

ALL THE RAGE

HOPELESS ROMANTIC

I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH PHOTOS OF YOUR KIDS

I WANT THEM TO SEE ME (ON TOP OF THE POPS)

MISTER BEE

JOHN SMALLSHAW

JULIE (OPEN-MIC)

CAT THIEF

A LEARNING EXPERIENCE

OH, FLORENCE!!

THE TRUE LIGHT

INTERVAL

SECOND HALF

HELLO! HELLO! I'M HALLOWEEN!!

PUTTING LIFE ON HOLD

SOMEWHERE IN-BETWEEN

WITH ANOTHER

LOVERS DON'T LIVE LONGER

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DIVA

IF YOU WERE MY WIFE

IS IT CHRISTMAS ALREADY?

JOHN, I'M ONLY RHYMING

JOHN SMALLSHAW

JULES, RUTH, ARUN, JULIE, ANDREW (OPEN-MIC)

THE TRUE EXTENT OF MY GENIUS

THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON

YOU CRAMP MY STYLE

BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD

I WILL EAT PIES

Before we go into the detail, here are a few more photos from the night:

Now in a little more detail:

POETIQUETTE

POETRY CAFE, THURSDAY 29TH OCTOBER 2015

FIRST HALF

A YETI WAY OF THINKING

First posted on my blog in January 2013, this poem is the title piece from my long-delayed next collection - which has been in the pipe-line since 2012. I really am hoping to get the proofing and formatting done by early 2016. The verse itself is another of my many daft poems about the mysterious ways of yeti!

HE WAS JUST AN EVERYDAY WEREWOLF...

One of my older pieces - this one from GO 4TH AND DIVIDE, but it's nice and topical for the "spooky season"!

ALL THE RAGE

Just a daft ditty that is fun to read. It's from my AUTUMNAL E.P. collection and was last read at my 40th birthday Poetry Café show two years ago.

HOPELESS ROMANTIC // I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH PHOTOS OF YOUR KIDS // I WANT THEM TO SEE ME (ON TOP OF THE POPS) // MISTER BEE

These last four poems before John and Julie read are from POETIQUETTE - with HOPELESS ROMANTIC having been selected by the "cheeky monkey" son of my Twitter friend Lesley.
 

JOHN SMALLSHAW

JULIE (OPEN-MIC)

CAT THIEF

This poem, also chosen by my friend Lesley from Twitter, is originally from my collection IF POEMS WERE PIES, although it debuted here on this blog back in January 2009; it also appeared in my SHY YETI RULES OK compilation that same year. It has previously been performed at The Poetry Café during my shows in March 2009, April 2011 and July 2014.

A LEARNING EXPERIENCE // OH, FLORENCE!! // THE TRUE LIGHT

Three more poems from my SHY YETI RULES OK compilation and pieces that I have read at too many of my shows to list, both in the UK and in the States - all three of them are definitely old favourites of mine.

INTERVAL

SECOND HALF

HELLO! HELLO! I'M HALLOWEEN

Another Halloween poem from NOT AS SHY AS I WAS, which has previously been performed at The Poetry Café in both September and November 2012. You can also view a video of me performing the poem on Youtube at: http://youtu.be/WLnifWZGqb8 A number of the other poems read from this show have videos on my MRSHYYETI channel, but you can dig those ones out yourself - goodness knows what else you might find!

PUTTING LIFE ON HOLD // SOMEWHERE IN-BETWEEN // WITH ANOTHER

Three more poems from my POETIQUETTE collection. SOMEWHERE IN-BETWEEN was published here on the blog back in August 2015 when this 10th anniversary edition was released.

LOVERS DON'T LIVE LONGER

This was the newest piece read on the night - released on my blog for Valentine's 2015 and included in the 10th anniversary edition of POETIQUETTE. The poem is inspired by one of my favourite ABBA songs which claims that "Lovers" live a little longer - this verse refutes that.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DIVA // IF YOU WERE MY WIFE // IS IT CHRISTMAS ALREADY? // JOHN, I'M ONLY RHYMING

I've performed all of these before at The Café - DIVA in November 2011, WIFE in April and June 2011 and CHRISTMAS in September 2014. JOHN, I'M ONLY RHYMING... made its debut on the blog and was performed at The Broadstairs Folk Festival in 2012 and at The Poetry Café in November 2012, July 2013, November 2013 and July 2014. They are all from different collections but were grouped together for my 2012 SHY YETI STILL RULES OK volume. JOHN... is inspired by both John Smallshaw himself and the David Bowie song, John, I'm Only Dancing.

JOHN SMALLSHAW

JULES, RUTH, ARUN, JULIE, ANDREW (OPEN-MIC)

THE TRUE EXTENT OF MY GENIUS

This is a cheeky little piece, to be taken with a very big pinch of salt. I haven't performed it for a while - it has been read at The Poetry Café before in June and November 2011 and also in November 2013... It's finest moment was when it was performed at The Cobalt Café in August 2011.

THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON // YOU CRAMP MY STYLE

THE STAND-UP CHAMELEON made its debut on this blog in July 2007 and was first performed at The Poetry Café in November 2010 and also during my September 2012 show; I also recorded it for my PIETRY IN MOTION CD and featured it in my SHY YETI GOES WILD mini-compilation in 2012. YOU CRAMP MY STYLE also made its print debut on this blog in March 2008 and was last performed at The Poetry Café in June 2012.

BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD // I WILL EAT PIES

The last two poems of the night - which I've performed at many shows and which can both be found in my SHY YETI RULES OKAY compilation from 2009... BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD I last performed at the café in September 2014 - not to mention in November 2013, November 2011, November 2010 and March 2009 - whilst I WILL EAT PIES has been the last poem of the night at most of my shows.

THE END!!

Before we depart, here are photos of almost all our open-mic readers for the night, bar Andrew. In order - Julie, Jules, Ruth and Arun; apologies if I got anyone's name wrong.

Thanks to all who came to the show, to all our open-mic readers and also to Reet and Calum W who took a number of the photos. My biggest thanks go to John Smalshaw for performing and for his help and support in the night. Thank you also to Olissa from The Poetry Cafe for helping arrange the event in the first place and to all those running the bar on the night for their encouragement and assistance. Hopefully we'll be back for my poetry shenanigans in Spring 2016 - more details when I know them!

We'll be taking a week or so off now as we're away next week - but when we return I should be sharing with you the first of two posts from my trip to Lyon for my birthday... Both posts will be diary entries - the first being what actually happened and the second being the fictional diary of a certain BEAST OF FRIENDS character named Horner, last seen spotting candy floss-eating zombies on a beach near Dartmouth. There should also be a fair few photos from the holiday. Watch this space!!



More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. In other news I finished the first season of HOT STUFF!! this week and it should be heading off to lulu.com for a display copy once I return from my trip away. I'm not 100% sure about the cover - but we shall see - it may yet evolve!

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2015.

TONIGHT - AT THE POETRY CAFE!!!

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TONIGHT'S SPOOKY, CREEPY, YETI SHOW...

Hello beasties!

Just a reminder...

More next week!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xxx

P.S. Monday's post is still available just below this one.



























All contents of this post are Copyright, Paul Chandler 2015.

SOME COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS QUESTIONS, ANSWERED...

ASK SHY YETI - AGAIN!!!

Hello beasties!

This week I am here to be helpful... It's not the first time - but I am always pleased to assist where my advice is sought, especially when it comes to dealing with matters regarding yeti - which is indeed the case with all the questions I have for you, this time.

Shall we get on with it?  

My first question today comes from Mrs Margarita Du Bonbon of Little Snickering-On-The-Water... She explains that a cousin of hers is due to visit and will be bringing along a new boyfriend, a yeti. Her question is, as follows...

What do yeti like to eat? Do they have any big preferences?

Well, Margarita... You'll probably not be too surprised to learn that yeti aren't especially fussy and will pretty much eat anything! It would be fair to say that they do have their favourites - but they are quite predictable and I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that most of all they like pies. It is far from unheard of for them to have a savoury pie for their main course and then a sweet pie for dessert. Most people can accept that, but it's the actual flavours that some might consider either unconventional or simply plain disgusting. Savoury flavours include such specialities as Badger Snot and Toe-nail Clippings, Peanut Butter-infused Seaweed or Cream of Ear-wax D'Vole being in their top three. If you think their favourite savoury pies sound bad, then you're probably not going to approve of the sweet choices; Cherry and Duck Spit flan for one - more often than not served with weevil milk custard and sprinkle of mould on top. As for their favourite drink - there is really only one hot beverage that springs to mind and this would be Belly-button-fluff tea... Yum! Time to change the subject, I think...

Next up we have Carmen Star-fish, who is an Oceanology student at Kings College - London, Carmen poses the following question...

Do yeti have bizarre or interesting hobbies - and if so, are many of them pastry based?

Well, yes - I'm sure they do, although you may be surprised to learn that their hobbies aren't especially related to their personalities or yeti-ness. Believe it or not yeti like stamp collecting, ballroom dancing and train-spotting like everybody else. They're not, however, especially keen on football - the sheer stupidity of the game renders them speechless and I can't say I blame them. As for hobbies related to pastry, the only ones that I can think of would be baking. One of the biggest pastimes in yeti circles is a version of the game hide-and-seek - but involves yeti trying to pass themselves off as coats or rugs. It's quite a fun game - although I did once get home to find that I was wearing my friend's mother as a hat - she'd fallen asleep having drunk one too many belly-button fluff teas and I'd totally mistaken her for the head-gear that I'd arrived in. Ah well! These simple mistakes will happen from time-to-time!

Our third question comes from a retired vacuum cleaner of my acquaintance - he used to be called Henry, but since his retirement from vacuuming he now prefers to be known as Roberto The Robot - the world's one and only robot drag queen...

Is there a special yeti language that only these esteemed beasties understand and is it easy for non-yeti to learn?

This is a good one... My sources tell me yes, indeed there are - although I am embarrassed to say that I have never, personally, learnt it. The best way I could probably describe it is that this language is a little like welsh or Catalonian - not everybody who grows up there learns it or if they do they don't necessarily use it once they've moved away from the ancestral home. There are a number of official and unofficial languages - the one thing they all have in common is that they are based on a pattern of guttural growls and semi-purrs; a number of them based on similar secret languages as originally devised by a number of the most famous UK girl bands of the early to mid 00s. If you want a definitive tome on the historical variety of yeti languages, then I recommend the book "Speak-a-da-Yeti" by Charles Grrr, published by Beeches Books in 2014 for the somewhat expensive price of £79.99, although it does come with a CD of Traditional Yeti Folk Tunes and a promotional Charlie Grrr tea towel. "Yeti" is tough to learn at the start - but once you get the basics then I think you'll quickly get the hang of it. That's what the books says, anyway.

Our previous questions have been more about yeti life-styles than actually seeking out specific advice from a yeti point of view. This fourth and final question seeks to enquire about yeti habits, but appeals to the budding agony aunt in me. Mavis Scampering of Nonsuch Park writes...

I have recently started dating a yeti, but we do not have a great deal in common. Yes - that's right, he has a "great deal" (of pies) and my family and myself are widely considered to be quite "common" manners-wise. I am worried that our differences will soon eat away at our new romance. I have considered suggesting a holiday - but am unfamiliar with the sort of destinations that yeti favour. Any advice gratefully received - as I'd hate for this new love to wither and die so soon - I'll do (almost) anything!

I thought about how to reply to this one for a while and although I like your idea of a holiday I am not sure that, in itself, it would be enough to save a sinking relationship... Yeti are notorious for their short attention spans, so don't go blaming yourself necessarily. That said, there's no harm in persevering - most yeti dream of visiting their ancient homeland, which few know is actually the Isle Of Wight... You can get there pretty quickly on the ferry from Portsmouth or Lymington, for instance, and the weather can be quite sunny if you pick a day when it isn't raining. As far as your relationship is concerned it could well be that you are pressing the abort button before you've even given the rocket a chance to fly. I don't know what you've heard about the Isle of Wight but it's hardly the South Of France - you may find that your beau and his family are far from being the rich Lords of The Manor that you make them out to be. Even if they are better off than your own family then there is no reason that you can't impress them - and equally so they need to do the same and welcome you in. If you love your yeti then you will try your hardest to make it work - if he is unable to do his share then, fair enough, move on... But if you do give it a go then for all you know, the best may be yet(I) to come!

Well, that's it for now - some reasonably sensible questions, although I'm not sure that this can be said for all of the answers. Please do send me more of your questions and I'll do my best to reply to them in a future post, probably in December...

Before we conclude I'd like to remind you that I published a new book last week - the 4th and final season of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS, not to mention the combined Season 1 to 4 volume of the same series. The details are as follows:

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Season 4 is the fourth and final season of the series and is made up of 4 extended scripts which concern a number of curious characters; an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Along the way we also meet a number of old foes and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! All is not well this time around - and by the end of the season one of the main characters will meet a grisly end. These scripts, written during 2014, brings us to the end of an era for The Beast Of Friends!

Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/paperback/product-22361059.html £6.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/hardcover/product-22361072.html  £14.99

There is also a bumper version featuring all 4 seasons in one place...

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Seasons 1 to 4 is a compilation of all the scripts from the 4 seasons that make up the series. The scripts concern a number of curious characters; among them an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Other than these "bunch of weirdoes" we meet a number of old foes, a yeti with dubious ethics, a number of ghosts, a meddling mother and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! This is the very first time that these scripts, published between 2012 and 2015, have appeared in the same place.



























Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/paperback/product-22361053.html £14.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/hardcover/product-22361068.html £19.99

Moving on, but whilst I'm here, I'd like to remind you that I have a show THIS Thursday...



Hopefully some of you will be able to make it, but I know it's a week night - so not the most convenient of times. All the same - it's the only time I'll be performing this year - but I couldn't let 12 months pass without getting the chance to read some of my ridiculous verse!

If you can't be there then my next post will be in a week or so - it will, of course, be about the show and you'll be able to read all about what happened then. Following that I'll be off to Lyon for a few days in November - taking photos, writing some nonsense and celebrating my 42nd birthday; however did I get that old!?! Actually, I feel every minute of it - I have kept pretty busy over the years, you know!

Anyway, that's it for now - more soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. I had a mini-rant on Facebook the other day about the feeling I get from the poetry scene that certain types or styles of poems are okay and some are not; with probably funny rhyming poems being at the bottom of the barrel. I got some support for what I wrote - but I do wish the issue was addressed a little more honestly, as a lot of people really enjoy the lighter material. Anyway, this is what I wrote - maybe us dafter poets need to stick together! Let's start a gang...

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015.

BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON 4 OUT NOW!!!

THE 4TH AND FINAL SEASON IS RELEASED!!

Hello beasties!!

This time we will finally be celebrating the release of the 4th season of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS... In fact, let's get started - here we go - first up details of the book and where it can be found to purchase and then four extracts, one from each of the scripts...

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Season 4 is the fourth and final season of the series and is made up of 4 extended scripts which concern a number of curious characters; an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Along the way we also meet a number of old foes and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! All is not well this time around - and by the end of the season one of the main characters will meet a grisly end. These scripts, written during 2014, brings us to the end of an era for The Beast Of Friends!

Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/paperback/product-22361059.html £6.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-season-four/hardcover/product-22361072.html  £14.99

There is also a bumper version featuring all 4 seasons in one place...

THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - Seasons 1 to 4 is a compilation of all the scripts from the 4 seasons that make up the series. The scripts concern a number of curious characters; among them an amphibian journalist known as Horner, a witch called Katrina, a werewolf named Colin and Warren - a fellow with a very strange upbringing. Other than these "bunch of weirdoes" we meet a number of old foes, a yeti with dubious ethics, a number of ghosts, a meddling mother and what can only be described as a herd of vampire cows! This is the very first time that these scripts, published between 2012 and 2015, have appeared in the same place.



























Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/paperback/product-22361053.html £14.99

Hardback: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/the-beast-of-friends-seasons-1-to-4/hardcover/product-22361068.html £19.99

SCRIPT ONE: CRIMES OF PASSION... (EXTRACT)

KATRINA WATCHES FROM THE STAIRWELL AS THEIR GUESTS - ROLAND AND VELMA MAKE TO LEAVE, SHE PRETENDS TO BE APPLYING LIPSTICK, BUT IS ACTUALLY SUCKING IT DISTRACTEDLY – HER EYES ARE FIXED ON VELMA WHOM SHE IS TRYING TO VIEW IN HER HAND MIRROR; HOWEVER WHAT SHE SEES LEAVES HER TWICE AS SHOCKED.

KATRINA: (alarmed)

Oh! That’s unpleasant… I mean us witches used to get a bad rap for what we did in the past but considering how many non-witches ended up burnt… Wow!

HORNER: (rudely)

Thank you… Thank you… Goodbye now…

THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS BEHIND VELMA AND ROLAND – WARREN APPROACHES KATRINA AND HORNER LOOKING QUITE EXCITED...

WARREN: (urgently)

Katrina… Tell Horner what you just told me… Katrina! Did you hear me?

KATRINA: (mutters to self)

Oh my… My oh my oh my… OH MY!

HORNER: (distracted)

Those dratted people! How dare they just come here like this… What is it Katrina?

KATRINA: (quite distressed)

It’s macabre… Things are even worse for him now than when we first met him… She got a complete hold of him and he doesn’t even seem to notice…

HORNER: (a little more focussed)

Katrina… Listen, now! What do you know about these people? You need to tell me and we need to make sure that Colin knows that they’re after him too…

WARREN: (encouragingly)

Go on… Tell them what you did to Roland…

KATRINA: (trying not to ramble)

Alright! Alright… I will… But it’s not just him… It’s her too… She… She has no reflection – Velma… She’s a vampire – I haven’t seen one up in London for quite a while… They were the “new” witch at the turn of the century as far as taboos were concerned! She’s one of those new-fangled ones too who can go out in the sun!

SCRIPT TWO: CRIMES OF PASSION... (EXTRACT)

MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE ROAD COPERNICUS AND KATRINA ARE SQUASHED UP INSIDE A PHONE BOOTH WATCHING THE HOUSE AS THE CAR PULLS UP TO PICK UP FAKE KATRINA… CONSIDERING THAT HE IS A GHOST COPERNICUS IS TAKING UP RATHER MORE SPACE THAN ONE WOULD EXPECT AND KATRINA IS FEELING QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE…

COPERNICUS: (almost applauding)

Everything seems to be going okay so far… That’s a relief, I must say…

KATRINA: (reflecting)

I can’t help but think that your friend, Mr Quaverall must really hate me… I can’t believe how I got away with all the wicked things that I did back in my youth…

COPERNICUS: (having not properly heard)

What now?

KATRINA: (sadly)

Roland… He must really really hate me – for killing him…

COPERNICUS: (trying to cheer her up)

I don’t think so… Well, not any more – that’s nearly half a century ago… He’s had lots of adventures since then – it’s just that they occurred after his death…

KATRINA:

I feel I should say sorry… I was so different then… He was nothing to me – just an opponent who pretty quickly was lying there before me choking on a jelly fish…

COPERNICUS:

There can't be that many people who can say that they've had that experience...

SCRIPT THREE: THE SCANDAL-MONGERS... (EXTRACT)

KATRINA: (snapping back, but grinning)

When I used to ride about on my broomstick I always used to take a cat with me… Sadly they never had very good balance and used to fall off.

LUCY: (muttering away to herself)

I thought cats were meant to have GREAT balance… Isn’t that one of their things – or am I thinking of monkeys? Well, I guess they’re definitely good at balancing because you see them up trees running around – do you think that maybe they wear Velcro on their paws or something? Although wouldn’t that mean that someone would have to put Velcro up the trees too – so the two layers would stick together!?

KATRINA: (losing patience now)

Lucy – I have no idea… I think monkeys are just naturally good at the running around trees thing – no hidden magic required… But we were talking about cats…

LUCY: (focusing on the topic of the moment)

They like trees too, don’t they? Anyway, so yours used to fall off your broom?

KATRINA: (nodding)

Most Witches’ cats hang on – but not these ones… That was my fault – I scrimped on good puss – you live and learn! Rather foolishly I used to get mine second-hand!

LUCY: (surprised)

Second-hand cats? Where from exactly?

 KATRINA: (glibly)

The second-hand cat store… It really is that simple…

LUCY:

The second-hand cat store? That’s an actual place?! Okay… Why DID you get them second-hand? Were they old? Cheap? Lacking in posture? Perpetually asleep?

KATRINA: (confirming all those suggestions)

All of those things and usually they were slightly incontinent too…

LUCY:

But WHY? Why did it all go so badly wrong for you?

KATRINA: (chuckling)

Well, I don’t really like cats! I just felt I ought to have one… For appearances sake!

LUCY: (having considered this)

You wanted them to suffer a bit, perhaps?

KATRINA: (feeling slightly guilty)

Maybe… That’s awful, isn’t it!?

SCRIPT FOUR: FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES... (EXTRACT)

MEANWHILE, NOT SO VERY FAR A WAY A MAINTAINANCE MAN IS ENTERING THE SEWERS FROM A MAN-HOLE ABOVE. HE LOOKS AROUND AND NOTES A RUSTY PIPE IN THE SHADOWS – TICKING IT OFF ON A LIST AS HE EXAMINES IT… ALL OF A SUDDEN SOMETHING DISTRACTS HIM…

SOUND: (bellowing bovinely)

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

MAN: (furiously, yet nervous too)

HEY!?! What’s that? Bloody kids… Come out and show yourselves… What’s going on? Who’s keeping cows down in these sewers? That’s illegal!

SOUND:

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

MAN:

Come out and show yourselves… There you are… What gorgeous cows… Who brought you here… Just come closer – let me stroke you… You look gorgeous.

VELMA SUDDENLY STEPS OUT OF THE SHADOWS BEHIND THEM…

VELMA: (succinctly, decisively)

These cows are mine… What business is it of yours?

MAN: (becoming quite cocky)

You can’t keep them here – you’re not even meant to be down here – let alone your livestock! If you don’t get them out of here then I’ll get the law on you…

 VELMA: (spiteful, spitting her words)

I really don’t think you will… Who do you think you’re speaking to? You have no right to command me; I’ll do what I wish! I wouldn’t start threatening me either – my friends here are very protective of me; I wouldn’t shove them if I were you…

 MAN: (not completely paying attention)

Why not? I’m just trying to get them out of the way… It’s what you do with cattle!

VELMA:

They have been known to take a bite out of people if taken by surprise…

MAN:

Here, pretty cows… Come to daddy… Just you wait until I get the law on you, missus… You’re going to be in such trouble… Come on now… Pretty cows…

THE MAN REACHES OUT FOR THE CLOSEST COW WHO HAS BEEN LICKING THE MOSSY SEWER FLOOR – AS IT LOOKS UP HE REALISES THAT THE COW IS FAR FROM NORMAL; IT’S FACE IS HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED, WITH AN ALMOST EVIL EXPRESSION – ITS TEETH ARE SHARP FANGS…

MAN: (breathless, shocked)

V,V,V,VAMPIRE C,C,COWS…

VELMA LAUGHS – THE MAN’S SCREAMS ECHO DOWN THE TUNNEL...

Finally, moving on from THE BEAST OF FRIENDS I am expecting to release the first seasons of the two spin-off seasons in either January or February - so keep yours eyes open for news on that. I won't write about it yet as If I do I might give away a couple of spoilers... But soon!!

Next time, I'll either be building up to or reporting back from my one and only gig of 2015, which takes place at The Poetry Café of Thursday 29th October... It all depends on how much time I have... Once that show is done we reach that time of year again where I am due to go away for my birthday and I am hoping to take plenty of photographs and write another Horner diary piece which may or may not explore the mystery of the candy-floss eating zombie from my previous Devon story from a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, more soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

All content of this post is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015

A SNEAKY TRIP TO DEVON...

FELINE GOOD DOWN IN DARTMOUTH...

Hello beasties!!

This time I'm here to share with you some photos from my trip to Dartmouth in Devon - not to mention a spin-off piece that I have written associated with my series, THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - or, at least, with one of the characters from it...

Let's get started with some of those photos, which I took whilst I was in Devon between the 2nd and the 5th October 2015...
 

DOWN IN DEVON GALLERY...

Next time it's time for us to release THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASON FOUR, not to mention the compiled BEAST OF FRIENDS, SEASON 1 TO 4... and I may well make mention of my forthcoming Poetry Café show on October 29th 2015. Oh, the excitement!

 

Anyway, we're heading off now - but coming up we have a new story, set in Devon, which involves Horner (from THE BEAST OF FRIENDS) and a pair of Mystic Cats called Corey and Elsa. It was written over the long weekend of the 2nd to the 5th October 2015 - down in Dartmouth and on my way up and back. This story stands alone, but may well be continued when I head off to Lyon next month. At very least it acts as a prologue to one of my future script books... Ah well!

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. Thanks to Corey and Elsa for letting me use their photos in this post. Elsa is the one lounging on the stairs - Corey the one drinking from the tap! Thanks also to Julie and Pete Archer for having Calum and I to stay and for showing us around the area! It was great to see you both in your new home; what a beautiful place to live!

HORNER AND THE MYSTIC CATS OF TORQUAY...

(EXTRACTS FROM A DIARY)

Friday 2nd October 2015

So here I am - in Torquay! Yes - I know... How did I end up there? How odd! I blame it on these cats that I've come to see... I really have no idea why these mystic felines have chosen Torquay to live in, but they have. Some might say that it merely adds to their sense of mystery and mysticism. I'm not sure that I completely agree, mind - but I'm not against a little bit of exploration, if I'm in the right mood - although it's a bit of a busman's holiday considering all the travel-writing I have done over the years.

I can't honestly tell you what I hope to learn over the weekend ahead - although some kind of inspiration that might send me in a new direction might be nice. I'll admit to being at a slightly loose end, lately. As I've already mentioned, I've travelled the world as a journalist - documenting my experiences for any who care to read them; I hope to do so again when the right project emerges. Additionally, I've lived for a number of years in London becoming involved with a group of oddballs whom I fitted in very well with and who, not only lived in my house, but also became very close friends; our experiences together were not always good ones, but that was never their fault. Eventually we all went our separate ways and I moved on to help run a library full of ghosts, murderers and wicked imps - not to mention a number of fairly good and magical creatures. It's a long story - too long to explain here and now.

My time at the library recently came to an end and ever-since I've been at a loose end. It was an article in The Beargrrrian Gazette that brought the Mystic Cats of Torquay to my attention. The actual piece was in regard to their singing prowess, which I believe was quite an acquired taste - but the less said about that the better. Anyway, something about that article really drew me in and I ended up sending them a letter, asking if I could meet them - interview them even, for some unspecified project.

So here I am...

I shall be meeting them in a little under an hour. For a reason I've now almost forgotten we have agreed to meet in Dartmouth where accommodation has been arranged for me - in fact that is where I am as I write this. I think there was some manner of concern that the cats might be too well known should we meet in Torquay; but this might be a rumour that they are spreading about themselves and the price of catnip is bound to be cheaper out of town. I wouldn't be surprised, rather like many prominent politicians - if they didn't work in a more touristic place like Torquay, whilst choosing to live somewhere more picturesque themselves.

Anyway, I must go... I shall report back on my return...

POST-SCRIPT...

Well, I'm safely back; if slightly squiffy. I'm not quite sure what I've learnt from my night out - in fact I've probably ended up filling my head full of even more questions - but there you go.

What CAN I tell you?

Well, for one thing I can say is that The Mystic Cats are most certainly quite eccentric characters and I would hazard a guess that their reputations and titles have perhaps been something that they have, rather generously, bequeathed upon themselves. There are only two of them - a ginger and white tom named Corey and a tortoiseshell lady called Elsa.

At least we all got on well, having dinner at a local Indian - talking until well after midnight; everything from the three taboos of religion, pies and politics to "who killed who" in long since defunct soap opera, MAD DRAG QUEENS ON ACID - still one of my favourite shows of all time.

Looking back now, all tucked up and ready to sleep I do feel that I probably said far more about myself than I ever learnt about them. Every time I tried to ask them about their mystic powers they seemed to turn the question on me. They do appear to be very keen for me to come and work for them - but from what I can tell it looks as if what they really require is an agent - and I'm really not sure I want to be getting involved in something like that. That said - maybe I'm imagining all this, it's not as if any money has been mentioned - in fact I paid for dinner. Still, maybe they're planning on unveiling some big job offer tomorrow, although I am afraid that I will have to let them down. Still, it was a fun evening and I'm sure that tomorrow will be equally as enjoyable.

For now, though, it's time for bed...

Saturday 3rd October 2015

Well, today has ended up being quite an education - but maybe not in the way that I was expecting. I'm also really not convinced about the mystic powers of these two cats - although they've definitely got the gift of the gab when it comes to convincing me into buying them dinner. We also agree on bad horror films, their favourite is SCRATCH THE ITCH OF DRACULA - I thought I was the only one who'd ever seen that movie until today! Anyway, I digress...

This morning Corey and Elsa were waiting for me down at the harbour in Dartmouth. As I expected they were full of themselves and there was some talk that I was to witness a magical event at a wedding at Torre Abbey that afternoon. Until then they were very keen that I saw them carry out a number of mystical events in their home town. This involved us going to a local deli on the High Street (guess who paid!) and then continued with a rather strange couple of hours where we sat in their back garden with their friends Daphne and Josiah the sea gulls where they claimed to be communing with the food. I was sceptical, I must say and was expecting - at the very least - a crystal ball; instead they produced a scotch egg. This scotch egg, of course, did not last very long as they ate it after a few failed attempts to commune with a pile of rather delicious looking Danish pastries, which somehow I never got a look-in on. In the end they managed to get a spirit to speak through Daphne - she was a highway woman called Gladis who claimed to have been living for some years in a tin of corned beef. Some of the language she used really made me blush, so I just sat and nibbled on some cheese straws and pretended that I hadn't heard her venting about austerity measures and the future of the Labour Party should it ever be lead by her friend Garbo the Sheep dog.

Before we got there I was actually looking forward to our afternoon trip into Torquay - I wasn't entirely sure what role the two cats were meant to be playing at the wedding, but presumed that it would be something both enlightening and entertaining. It actually turned out that they were waiting tables and expected me to join them - trying to convince me that this experience was in some way magical! The only "magic" I am aware of was the mysterious vanishing of a box of champagne - all fingers were pointed towards a shifty looking ferret called Jorg, who was working the bar - but who later appeared to have never existed. I rather suspect that Jorg was either Elsa or Corey in disguise - but I can't actually prove it. These cats seem to be probably more experienced in the art of crime than in the mystic arts and they have decided to try out some of their tricks on me. I'm really not at all sure what I think about all this. 

Sunday 4th October 2015

It's pretty obvious to me now that I'm being used - that these cats are getting far more out of me than I am out of them and that they are actually not especially mystic at all.

In the morning, on the Sunday, they had me doing all their D.I.Y. - but once again found ways of dressing it up as a trick, a piece of magic or some supernatural experience. They were especially keen when I happened to suggest an easier way of opening tins of cat food; for mystic cats they do seem to struggle with some rather basic day-to-day tasks. It's pretty clear to me now that they grew up as domestic cats with human masters - it would explain a good deal and makes sense of why they seem to be incapable of doing things for themselves.

The weather wasn't as bright and clear as it had been on Saturday, but we still went out and had a potter about on Blackpool Sands. The cats didn't have a car and whereas when we'd gone to Torquay we took a bus - on this occasion we cycled, or should I say I cycled and they just sat there snuggled up in a basket up front.

I should have put my foot down and said no to all this - but I think by this stage I was almost removed from the actual tasks in some kind of "fuzzy" world of disbelief. I'm pretty sure the cycling part was good exercise and all the hammering and D.I.Y. just allowed me to close down my usually over-active thought processes and to take a bit of a break.

There I was, sitting on the steps of a beach hut with a take-away cup of coffee watching the cats frolicking in the surf - and suddenly I knew what must come next. No more aimless wandering - I needed a mission and it wasn't long before I would see something that inspired me. 

It was about half an hour later, before I insisted that we cycled home. I'd ended up buying us ice creams at Slapton Ley and as we sat on the tide wall eating them - as the skies grew increasingly overcast above us - I saw something.

There was a zombie on the beach wearing a small orange sun hut and it was eating candy floss.

"Am I really seeing what I think I'm seeing?" I enquired, almost calmly, turning to tortoiseshell Elsa.

"What do you think you see?" She hissed, but kindly.

"A zombie..." I replied. "And it's eating candy floss..."

"That'll be bad for its teeth..." Corey interrupted and then began to tut.

"But is it really there?"

"Yes and no..." replied Elsa. "We don't see it - but you do... It's a glimpse of your future - a spoiler if you like..."

"How is a zombie in a sun hat eating candy floss a glimpse of my future!" I exclaimed, taking a look back - but now it had gone and so had Elsa and Corey. I could see them already curled up asleep in the basket of the old bike some way away.

Quite how we had that discussion at the same moment I will never know. Maybe, on rare occasions, they are actually mystically gifted after all.

Monday 5th October 2015

As I write this I am on my way to my next port of call, although I haven't quite decided where I intend to stop quite yet... I guess I've sort of come to terms with my little experience this weekend with those two rather odd cats. I did learn a couple of things, it has to be said - although I'm not completely sure that they make much sense to me.

That night after we got back from Slapton Ley they treated me to a large and delicious dinner and one that I didn't have to pay for myself too. From what I can tell I think their neighbours had knocked up this delicious roast for us - but still it's not something one should be grumbling about and so I didn't.

I turned in early that night and all I could dream of was zombies in hats and pink candy floss. This time the zombie was closer and I could make out that he was trying to say something to me - I have a rather queer suspicion that it was nothing any more mystic than the lyrics to The Beatles, I Am The Walrus - but then again the meaning of that song always was pretty obscure.

I have to say that, in the end, I was sad to bid Corey and Elsa goodbye. I think we both probably learnt a few lessons - although it may take a little longer for me discover what I've actually learnt. Still, their D.I.Y. skills are probably pretty amazing now; that's something they can teach to Daphne and Josiah, so that they can take charge of any maintenance problems in future. Ah well! It's amazing what cheeky cats can get away with if they purr nicely!

Despite all that, this time I am willing to bet that there is yet more to come related to this whole zombie - and when it occurs I will make sure to ask Corey and Elsa for their assistance...

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

HORNER AND THE MYSTIC CATS OF TORQUAY will appear as part of one of Paul's script-books during 2016. All contents of this blog are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015.