THE HEIGHT OF SUMMER IN YETI-VILLE...

COMING SOON AND RIGHT NOW!

Hello beasties!

This week I was originally going to go on a bit about the 4th and final season of THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - only I've decided to hold that back for a week or two. I have some recent photos and a prose piece to share with you. Summer is here, so I wanted to share a little sunshine.

Before then I'm just going to update you on the projects that I'm currently working on and at what stage I have reached.

PROJECTS ALMOST READY TO BE PUBLISHED...

POETIQUETTE

BEAST OF FRIENDS - 4

The first of these is a 10th anniversary reissue of the last book that I published before I discovered www.lulu.com; I had hoped to have it out in May, but I'm running a little late. It'll be nice to have my first eight books out separately as stand-alone collections once again. The second title is the 4th and final season of BEAST OF FRIENDS, which I'll be discussing in more details in a week or two...

PROJECTS THAT ARE IN THE PROCESS OF BEING PROOFED...

HOT STUFF - 1

KENSINGTON GORE - 1

A YETI WAY OF THINKING...

The first two titles are the first two BEAST spin-off series - HOT STUFF is set in a library and KENSINGTON GORE is set in a particularly spooky area of London, near The Royal Albert Hall. The third of these titles is my long-delayed new collection of poetry and short stories which has been in the pipeline since 2012... It's been the formatting that has taken the longest to finish, partly as I wasn't sure how much of the blog to include in the "making of" for the collection; as the book has taken longer the blog section was getting far too long and needs trimming down to just the most important moments. Hopefully the book will be ready by the end of the year and will be my main poetry project once POETIQUETTE is released.

PROJECTS BEING READIED FOR PROOFING...

HOT STUFF - 2

KENSINGTON GORE - 2

BEAST OF FRIENDS - THE MOVIE...

I've been working on these projects since late last year; HOT STUFF - 2 is at the intended length - and is ready to be proofed, whilst I am currently trimming KENSINGTON GORE - 2 to the length that I'd like it to be. THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - THE MOVIE, is already edited down - but I am undecided quite when I want it to be released, so don't intend to begin proofing it until, at least, a while after BEAST - 4 is released; probably sometime early in 2016.

PROJECTS IN THE PROCESS OF BEING WRITTEN

HOT STUFF - 3

KENSINGTON GORE - 3

I always like to have something new that I'm working on - as actually coming up with the plots and writing the words is the most fun part of the process for me. HOT STUFF - 3 is well over half-way written in first draft form, whilst I am only tentatively putting together the ideas for KENSINGTON GORE - 3, in fact I probably won't actually start working on it properly until I've completed work on "down-sizing" the first draft of KENSINGTON GORE - 2.

ONGOING LONG-TERM PROJECTS

GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND THE SPLINTERS OF TIME

THREE TAILS ARE BETTER THAN ONE

The first book is a new Mouse Of Commons novel which follows on from the last one - GLADSTONE MCWHISKERS AND COUNTER-CLOCK-WISE CONUNDRUM... I've been working on it for quite some time and am only progressing slowly - no recent developments in the last couple of months, but I'm sure I will write some more of it later in the year. THREE TAILS is a collection of three Mouse Of Commons short stories - written between 2006 and 2008. The stories were written by hand years ago but they still need to be typed up - which I am doing; again very slowly.

Hopefully I'll speed up with some of the projects above. I really can't wait to get POETIQUETTE out - it'll be good to see A YETI WAY OF THINKING on the shelf - and it'll certainly be exciting to be able to combine the full THE BEAST OF THE FRIENDS into one volume...

Next time I'll probably tell you a little more about THE BEAST OF FRIENDS - SEASONS 4... Or not! Otherwise, there may be more photos and short prose pieces...

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. The handsomest cat I know... Deeley!

P.P.S. The following piece was written between Saturday 11th and Friday 17th July 2015...

GONE WITHOUT HOPE OF RETURN...

The trees are gone...

Who knows where to...

Who knows if they went of their own accord;

Up-rooted themselves to march off on their way...

Goodness knows where they were headed...

We'll consider this in a moment -

But what if... What if they were kidnapped somehow?

Packaged away - some of the trees used as boxes for the others...

The parks left empty - the streets left bare;

The forests gone.

Meanwhile, the mystery remains...

Let's not even begin to consider -

Where they were taken, if they didn't go voluntarily...

It's too scary even to imagine.

Let's just presume that they choose their new destinations...

Somewhere bright where the sun could warm them...

Somewhere majestic where birds could nest in them - 

Somewhere breezy, by the sea - where they can wave their branches about in celebration.
Where curious cats and teenage brats could climb them without being disturbed...

Let us hope so...

Some of us, the more insightful amongst us -

Always knew that this would happen...

After all the clue was in the name of the glorious decoration which adorn their branches...

Leaves.

This post and all contents are Copyright, Paul Chandler, 2015.

THE BEARGRRRIAN GAZETTE RETURNS!!

REPRINTED FROM THE JULY ISSUE OF THE BEARGRRRIAN GAZETTE...

If you'd like to hear Mr Yeti in action he has two albums cheaply available for purchase on Bandcamp from the following links...

PIETRY IN MOTION...
http://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/pie-try-in-motion

SHY YETI'S FINEST HOME-BREWED VERSE...
http://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/shy-yetis-finest-home-brewed-verse

Not to forget all the poetic yeti videos on youtube under: MRSHYYETI

...And now... Moving on...

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SHY YETI...

I like to begin my day early, by noon if possible - although sometimes it can be later... No! I'm kidding! I'm up and about a lot earlier than that - by at least 11.30! More like, 6.30!?! A yeti like me needs to get up early to keep looking quite as fluffy as I do on a daily basis; in fact I lose count of the number of times that I get asked how I manage to keep looking quite a perky as I do; especially since I turned 21 again not so long ago. Well, I'm happy to share my beauty techniques with you - but I,m surprised that you haven't guessed yet - my secret is... PIE!! Of course, it is! Cherry pie, specifically - sometimes cheese and onion or if I'm feeling particularly daring maybe a slice of both. Just rub it into your fur three times a day and get a friend to lick it off. It's the only way I know to keep looking quite as glamorous as I currently do.

But enough about me... Ha! What nonsense!? This whole piece is about me. But what exactly, I hear you ask, do I get up to on a typical day? When I'm not jet setting off to Berlin, Lisbon or - my personal favourite - Venice, that is. Well, this is the thing - just now there really is no typical day.

As, no doubt you've read, I've been living a slightly wobbly existence of late due to having duffed up both my legs in a tragic pasty tasting accident back in the spring. I don't want to go into exactly what happened in too much detail as I'm sure you all know the story - needless to say I had to sack my agent and publicist, Montgomery Seaotter, who was last seen upside down in a gents toilet when he should have been minding what I was up to. Still, these things happen - but I like to look on the bright side; I've lost weight, mainly due to having been on a liquid diet since March. Still, chocolate milkshakes are surprisingly fattening and when I say I've lost weight I mean more that I've actually put on weight - but only in bright lighting at especially unflattering angles. Still, it's my managements fault - well, once we've recruited my new management it will be.

So, anyway, getting up in the morning has been slower than usual - I've been back in Beargrrria visiting family since the accident - not to mention working on my next books. It's nice to see friendly faces, but Beargrrrian medi-care is slightly basic compared to the good ole NHS. Still, one has to make-do. Rumours of me returning home a tax exile are exaggerated - but only because I've barely earned a penny in the last eighteen months; you can blame  my "dear friend" Seaotter for that one too! Anyhow, I'm woken just before sun-up by my top team of avian nurses who come to change my bandages before breakfast. It was just supposed to be my legs they were bandaging but Canadian geese aren't the brightest of birds so they tend to just wrap me up from top to toe like an Egyptian mummy. I don't like to complain, so I just let them get on with it - it takes long enough to clean up the mess they leave once they're done - feathers and droppings everywhere! You'd think they could send me nurses who were toilet-trained but maybe that is too much to ask; you don't get that with the NHS either! As far as Beargrrrian medi-care is concerned I did recently offer my services for promotional brochures but, as yet, have heard nothing back. Still, no news is good news and perhaps I don't want my face associated with incontinent Canadian geese. Again.

Once the nurses are gone it's finally time for breakfast... I like to eat healthily, so I tend to chew each mouthful an extra five or six times, spit it out, force-feed it to a friend and then eat a cheese and chutney sandwich whilst I work out what to eat next. I do tend to like something a little sweet at that time of day and so tend I move on to fruit and muesli - with a small Black Forest gateau or four on the side. That and a bucket of black coffee. And a double G and T, if I'm feeling cheeky.

Once breakfast is done I like to get busy on some writing - I do most of my best work before elevenses, that fifteen minute window is invaluable, I find, to getting my writing day successfully underway. One think that I have never told anyone is that I do most of my best work in the nude, but with the amount of fur I have thankfully nobody notices.

I'm currently working on a number of projects that have been in the pipe-line for two or three years. I'm not quite sure how they ended up in this particular pipe-line, but a few sharp prods with a broom and they were free; I didn't even need to call a plumber. Not that I like to mention it, but I've been so very busy with all my charitable work lately that my creative life has rather fallen by the wayside; the accident hasn't helped matters either. As I say, I don't like to go on about all my charitable ventures but needless to say I devote a lot of my time to promoting Pie-eaters Anonymous - not to mention the money I have put forward to help with a Home For a Retired Yeti in Beargrrria; apparently we've raised enough, so far, to build a toilet cubical - maybe even two - so I'm feeling quite positive.

Next up is lunch... I usually go for something light at this time of day - a pie made of feathers or hydrogen balloons, for instance. Or maybe some fruit. Or a dry cracker. Or a little pile of dust with an olive on top. Possibly two olives.

I'm sure I can't be the only one, but I find that after lunch I am in need of a nap... I try and dream ideas for new stories - and sometimes this works - but 99.9% of the time I just dream about cake. Still, it could be a lot worse.

After my nap I like to swim, although that's been less than easy since my accident - although I think the swans and the moorhens are glad that I'm not splashing about in their pond quite so much any more.

Since swimming is out at the moment I tend to just get back to writing... I'm not a big fan of typing my own work and as I can't afford any fancy audio-transcribing software I tend to call on the services of my best friend and feline companion, Deeley; probably the best typist in all of Surrey. To be honest he's extremely bossy - and has rather a liking for cat nip. Still, he is doing his best at the moment to learn human English - he can type it but he understands very little of what he's putting down; rather like myself when I try to learn his cat language - known as Meow. So far we can both say hello in each other's languages but progress is slow; partly due to how distracting the cat nip becomes after we've both been sniffing it for a few minutes. That stuff should be renamed Yeti-nip!!

Occasionally in the evening I'll travel out to a poetry reading... My most popular audiences tend to be in old people's homes or graveyards. Oh, and squirrels and badgers really seem to like me - I'm not completely sure why, but they do; so I do quite a few shows in forests or the odd random suburban garden. In fact I'm tailoring my next poetry collection specifically to this audience. I haven't got a title yet, so if you have any ideas then please do drop me a line. Talking of which I usually have quite a bit of fan mail to reply to - and sometimes hate mail too. The fan mail I always answer personally - I think it's nice to reward people with good taste. The hate mail I just pass to my friend Stephen The Angry Rottweiler. Enough said, I think.

If I'm not reading then I sometimes go to an opening - of a gallery or maybe an envelope - I also like to attend funerals; not necessarily of people I know. I guess, as I mentioned before, that it's all tied in to the grey pound - as I'm told that I am most popular to the 80 to 130 age-range. I also consider it another aspect of my charity work - the deceased gets an extra guest at their memorial service and a celebrity one to boot and I get access to a decent all-you-can-eat buffet, not to mention the possibility of an open bar. If you go to enough of these things and bring a doggy bag in your suit pocket then you pretty much never need to go to a supermarket for anything other than milk and cereal. Between you and I I'll admit that I don't buy cleaning products, I just get an old unemployed friend to come and heavy breathe over my belongings once or twice a month. It works for me and I believe the dust of famous yeti sells quite highly on E-bay. Once again, another of my more charitable gestures.

So we reach the end of my typical day... It's a pretty perfect life and I tend to sleep well, almost as soon as my head hits the pillows. I really need to get that fixed - the bolt in my neck keeps working loose - maybe I should just use sticky tape. Thanks for reading...

Mr Shy Yeti is a spokes-yeti for Pie-eaters Anonymous and is also helping raise money to help build a home for retired yeti in Beargrrria. However he does not like to mention his charitable work in any detail. Mr Yeti has a number of new books due out later in the year, among them a 10th anniversary edition of his poetry collection, POETIQUETTE and the 4th and final season of his script-series, THE BEAST OF FRIRNDS. This piece was written between the 15th and the 18th of June 2015; with further revisions up until time of publishing.

This post and all contents are copyright Paul Chandler, 2015.

LISBON - AGAIN...

MORE FROM MY RECENT TRIP TO PORTUGAL...

Hello beasties...

As promised in my last post, this time I am including a diary of my Lisbon trip, as well as some more photos and a prose piece inspired by the staircase in the hotel where we stayed. Here's the diary, first of all...
 

Wednesday 3rd June 2015

On this particular trip I was travelling with my flat-mate, Calum - reluctantly bringing along my bad legs too; but I did kind of need them - so it was inevitable really. I hadn't been well enough for my planned trip to Belfast, but I was determined to go to Lisbon for this potentially more laid back trip. This was my first overseas holiday since Toby and I went to Berlin back in March and thankfully I am in less discomfort than I was then, although still have to be pretty careful. We had quite an early flight, so had stayed at a hotel near Stanstead airport the night before. It was a bit of a cramped flight, but we made it in one piece and - having secured our 3 day Lisboa travel passes - the city, not to mention some of the surrounding towns, were ours to explore. The Metro system in Lisbon is made up of only 4 lines and is easy to use; with escalators, stairs and lifts depending on your preference. We reached our hotel , the excellent Hotel Avenida Palace, by mid-afternoon and soon received the pleasant surprise of a bowl of fresh strawberries as a welcome gift from the hotel. How civilised! We were ready to explore the city a little by late afternoon and ended up taking the 28 tram up the hill in the direction of the castle; not that we quite made it to our exact destination - but it was quite a speedy experience! I'm very glad I had a seat or I'm not sure my poor leg would have been too happy! Having been unceremoniously dumped somewhere in the heights of the city we decided to walk down the hill to the river, where a welcome pint awaited us - as well as a gentleman strumming covers of songs by Snow Patrol and Jessie J, amongst others! Our evening was made... Well, no - but we did find a reasonable Italian restaurant in a nearby square, near a Metro stop that took us right back to our hotel; via my own personal coffee shop - open until 1am. Not that I was ever up that late during this trip; but you can't grumble too much about coffee beverages on tap, now can you? The only thing I did mutter grumpily about was not being able to find the light switch for two of the lamps in the bedroom - I like it to be reasonably dark before sleeping and in the end, around 2am, I finally found it - obscured behind the TV. Calum just dropped off, light or no light, of course! Still, I did start work on my Lisbon blogs in between light switch hunting - so, at least, something was achieved!

Thursday 4th June 2015

Today, began with a leisurely - yet yummy breakfast in the hotel - it really is a very nice place too; hidden light switch issues aside. After breakfast, around ten thirty, we headed off a few stops down from the hotel and took the overland train all the way down to Cascais, stopping for a snack and wandering through the trinket shops down to the beach. After an hour or two we headed back to the station and then went back a few stops to Estoril, sitting in the casino park and later on the terrace of a bar over-looking the sea. The weather was around 25C and the beaches were full, but I had to keep my leg away from all that - it did look very tempting though. After a bit more of a wander we went on to our final stop at Belem and sat in the gardens opposite the station. Fast forward a few hours and we'd had a bit of a rest and then headed up St Gloria's Hill (after a long wait for the venicular) to a viewpoint called Miradouro de São Pedro de Alcantara which not only looked down on our hotel, but also across the city in the direction of the castle and the river. By luck we stumbled upon a restaurant that had a buffet serving Portuguese speciality dishes which turned out to be a super delicious way to end the day... The gin and tonics were rather agreeable too and helped when I had to totter back down St Gloria's when the trams there were on yet another extended break! Ah well, you can't win them all and at least I didn't break a hip!

Friday 5th June 2015...

Today, I was beginning to wilt slightly from all the walking and partly from the sun - but we used our Lisboa cards to travel to Sintra, an attractive town some thirty minutes or so inland from Lisbon. Sintra has an interesting Palace and a castle high on the hill which would have been interesting to visit - but it was a bit of a trek from the station, so we pretty much just walked from the station to the main palace square, had lunch and then headed back again. Back in Lisbon, Calum did a little more exploring whilst I caught up with some reading and then we returned to the pizzeria that we'd had dinner at on the first night; partly to use the 20% off token that they'd given us on that visit. It was all very nice and this time we avoided the uncomfortable seats and screaming brats! Once again it was another enjoyable day overall.
 

Saturday 6th June 2015...

Not much to add - we had breakfast, took our time getting packed and then headed back to the airport. Everything went well, despite lots of queuing as we reached our flight gate; it was a long day and we got home around 9.30 - in tact but a good three and a half hours after we'd landed! I was bushed for most of Sunday, but glad that I had made the effort to take the trip despite my leg issues! Still, I'm glad my next holiday is closer to home...

My previous blog entry included a number of photos from my first day and a half in Lisbon... We pick up now with photos that were taken on Friday 5th June 2015, on the last full day of the trip...

Well, wasn't that was nice!? Before I depart I also intend to include a new piece of prose that was inspired by the staircase at the hotel in Lisbon... Some of it - the main structure of the piece - was written on the 4th June, whilst the rest was completed once I had returned up until the day that this entry was posted.

Next time, I intend to post a Day In The Life piece about a certain Mr Shy Yeti - either that or maybe one of my new books will be ready for publishing, but we'll see - I'm afraid I'm progressing rather slowly, right at the moment.

Lastly, I should issue you with one or two warnings about Lisbon - for instance please remember to avoid travelling with aliens in lifts...

...not to mention staying out of the way of anything that resemble these beasties!

What's more I'm not too sure that you should trust these guys, either - it all looks a little trashy if you ask me!

Ah well, more soon...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

THE STAIRS (MAKING AN ENTRANCE)

She always did like to make an entrance...

That particular morning she did just that;

Processing down those stairs in her wedding dress...
A vision of silk and bows -
Expensive perfume masking the smell of cheap cigarettes...
Smiling knowingly, as if to say...
"Yes, today is my day... Notice me!"

Keen for all the staff, for all the guests to see and appreciate her...

Her father on her arm, bridesmaids following close behind...

The chauffeur watching the clock, hovering expectantly in the doorway;
Eyes darting back to his vehicle, fearful of the yob scene...

Excitement in the air...

If only she had known what was to come...

Later...

Even then she made an entrance -

Even when things were going wrong she ensured people knew...
Crept up those stairs, as if she hoped nobody would see her...

The actress in her still needed the attention...
Even when her world was falling apart -
Even after her girlfriend had failed to show up at the church...

Left to face her family and friends with no real explanation...

Where was her wife to be? What had become of her?

Had there been an accident or was it deliberate?
Had she herself caused it, somehow?

Soon after her own sister was discovered to be missing -

The truth - or some version of it - was soon out; the secrets revealed.
Standing at the top of those stairs, too drunk to think...
Her love lost; without words - without apology...

It was there and then that she had made her decision;
One final career move - throwing herself over the banisters...

Making an entrance to the very last...

THE STAIRS (MAKING AN ENTRANCE) and all contents of this post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015

LISBON - 3RD TO 6TH JUNE 2015...

 LISBON: DISCOVERING A NEW CITY...

Hello beasties...

Hello and welcome to Lisbon; you may have been there yourself - nice, isn't it? Anyway, I'm just back and it was a new city for me. I'd like to share with you what I got up to and also include some of my holiday snaps - not to mention a diary of my trip and a couple of new prose pieces... Don't worry! I don't intend to do so in one post - two, maybe - if that's agreeable with you!

So, where to begin?? Time for some photos, first, I think...

Well, I hope you enjoyed some of those photos. Whilst I was away I wrote a few little pieces, one of which I've included below and which should probably be filed away with related poems and prose that I've already written on Florence and Paris. I wrote it between the 04/06 - beginning in the small wee hours and working on it again on a train to Sintra on 05/06, doing final rewrites just before posting this...

I did very much enjoy Lisbon... It's definitely one of the nicest European cities that I've visited; although Venice is still the one for me overall.

Next time, I'll have some more Lisbon photos, a diary from the trip and also another new piece of prose...

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

LISBON...  TRES BON!!

You know how it is...

Some cities you "get" right from the start...

It's like people; sometimes it's love at first sight - but that doesn't happen every day...

On this occasion Lisbon reached out and kissed me almost as soon as we met...

I was curious from the word go -

But you know me; I've become a bit of a cynic in recent years...
It's early middle age that's doing it;
Although I've always been a bit that way inclined...

I don't really believe in things like loved at first sight...

My heart was made for Venice and I don't intend to just give it away...
Venice and I forged a relationship over time.
Paris flirted with me over a good decade or two...
But Lisbon... I came at it with a slight frown...

Trams, aye? I'm sceptical, but allow myself to be whisked away to hillier parts of the city -

Hardly having a moment to take it all in - seeing sights fly by.

Seeing stops that I would have liked to have made; all too late.

Perhaps this is why people come back -

It all passed by too quickly to take in on one visit...

Sitting on the beach at Cascais - at Estoril - is all very well for some...

But Lisbon wants to make me race about and do things, see things;

I keep MISSING things! 

There's precious time for sand...

It's as good an excuse as any;

I enjoy a paddle or a swim on occasion -

But I haven't the temperament for sitting still for hours...

Deep down I think Lisbon approves...

It wants to impress me -

To show me as much of itself as I have time for...

"Here! Here!! See the view across from top of Saint Gloria's Hill...

See the castle - the Palace... The rude graffiti on the side of a building...

Now... Here... Down this side road... This place... You'll like it...

True Portuguese food - it's a buffet - help yourself...

Take a large spoonful of everything!

The gin and tonics are also generous; but get them to stir it!"

They are generous and I do like it...

I like everything about Lisbon...

We'll certainly keep in touch and, well...

Who knows what may happen on my next visit!!

LISBON... TRES BON!! and all contents of this post are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2015...