Hi!

This is the 4th and last "single" that I'll be releasing off MUGSHOTS. It's called THE ONLY YOU THERE IS... and is a quirkily funny and sentimental ditty that I'd had written down in my file of potential poems since 2003. It took a while for me to come up with something that fitted - but I'm very pleased with the finished result. I hope you enjoy it, too.

In addition to this I have just completed work on a revised version of my 2001 debut collection, JUNK/FOOD. It contains a brand new cover and more detailed background notes. Some of the poems contained date back to 1992 - but it's probably worth a read if you've not seen this one before.

Copies of MUGSHOTS are available from BEECHES BOOKS at a cost of £5 + £1 p&p. The revised version of JUNK/FOOD is only £4 + £1 p&p.

You can email for more information at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk.

I am well on the way to finishing another volume: POETIQUETTE which I foresee will be ready by late April/early May. I have currently written over 40 new pieces for inclusion, with another half dozen or so to complete. I expect to stop writing and move onto the editing stage by Easter, when I will be on leave. Usually I come up with one or two more for the collection during this point. They'll probably be about 50 new poems in all.

Next time I should be mailing about the new volume - with a sample from that! :-)

Enjoy!

Paul x

THE ONLY YOU THERE IS...


You're the only you there is...
You're the only you I know...
Yes, you have a certain something...
A sort of radioactive glow!
Whoever raised you had the right idea!
Too iconic to be moved!
You’re kooky – yet it suits you!
You just couldn’t be improved!J


You're unique - a total one-off...
Though you're getting pretty old!
There is no-one left like you here...
Alas, they didn't keep the mould...
Still, you look good for such a veteran...
I’d say you’re almost kinda chic!
Hey! Perhaps they will restore you...
After all...
You must be verging on antique!


I am sure they'd deem you priceless...
If they put you up for sale...
There'd be trouble if they lost you...
If they put you in the mail!!
They should wrap you up in cotton wool -
Just in case you get a bruise!
T’would be a shame to spoil perfection…
Now you’ve given up the booze!!


You’re a treasure – irreplaceable!
And immune to being cloned!
You’d look lovely on the mantelpiece -
Quite a pleasure to have owned!
You’re the only you worth having…
All the rest aren’t worth a damn!
You’re a real life Super hero…
Any others are a sham…


Yes, you're the only you I know of...
You're the only you there is...
You're a lighthouse in the darkness...
A fine wine that’s full of fizz...
You’re fantabulous – terrific!!
No, you’ll never go to seed…
Not just the only you I know…
But true…You’re the only you I NEED!!

Hi!

Welcome to the third "single" from my latest collection of verse: MUGSHOTS... This one's called NEVER STEAL ANOTHER MAN'S RHUBARB... a rather nonsense maxim one of my friends used to use in the early 1990s! I never did understand what he meant!

New poems since the last posting which will be included in my new collection POETIQUETTE include: THE BALLAD OF SUSIE AND ANGUS…, THE ETIQUETTE OF AFFAIRS…, THE LOVE DITTY OF PAULINE AND GRAHAM…, NEW KITTY SIDE-KICK…, SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS... and VALENTINES DAY IS CANCELLED THIS YEAR…

I'm also working at the moment on a revised version of JUNK/FOOD - my first collection from Winter 2001, which should be available in the Spring.

Anyway! Enjoy the new one...

Paul :-) x

NEVER STEAL ANOTHER MAN'S RHUBARB!!

Never steal another man’s rhubarb…
Never fake a faint nor swoon…
You may find yourself molested…
By an ape or large baboon!!!

Never tickle a turtle’s toenails…
No, never bushwhack a gnu…
Never paint a panda purple…
Nor thieve its prize bamboo!!

Never dangle a donkey’s carrots!
In a pot of quick cement…
The beastie might get panicked…
Whilst the veg will end up bent!

Never mince the words of strangers…
Never hang them on a line…
If you sharpen your machete…
Then your kids will never whine!

Never cremate your maiden Uncle!
Never ask him home for tea!
Never join a roller-disco…
Unless they let you in for free!

Never play a strip tease Cribbage…
In a wardrobe made of cheese…
You’ll never get the smell out!
And it’ll only make you sneeze!

Never ride a rogue fish finger…
Never let it toss you loose…
It will try to snap your head off…
And drag you back to it’s Caboose!!

Never try to hug a phoenix…
No, not even if you’re cold!
Never flirt with sleepy badgers!
They won’t do a thing they’re told!

Never trap a hound dogs ego…
Nor pursue a puss’s purr!
Never wash your hair with acid!
Unless you want to shed your fur…

No, never steal another’s rhubarb…
For such a thing may cause “to-doo”…
Yes, if you stole some fella’s rhubarb…
If I were him - then I would sue!!

Hello again!

As promised - here is the second "single" from my new book of poems : MUGSHOTS.

As I wrote in the book itself...

"It's a silly, but true poem… I’ve read a couple of biographies lately – (esp. the Kenneth Williams diaries) which I gave up on in his later years because the entries became too depressing… And so I had my inspiration! I don’t always skip the end of biographies though, please note – I recently reached the end of one about Andy Warhol and that can hardly be described as great fun towards the end. But at least I got there! My friend Dan seemed to approve of the concept and especially noted the motorised puma line as a favourite – I think that line sort of came about by mistake actually!!!"

I am happy to announce that I am currently working on another dozen or so poems for the next collection, which is tentatively entitled: POETIQUETTE. Completed poems so far include ANTHONY'S SOCKS and WON'T STAY SWEET FOREVER... More details as they come about.

Once again, MUGSHOTS is available for £5 + £1 P&P and further details are available by mailing me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk

Thanks! Enjoy the poem.

Paul x

I CAN’T BEAR THE END…
(BIOGRAPHICAL WORK)


I just CAN’T bear the end of biographical work…
No, they just crack me up…
Make me sob…
Go berserk!
I CAN’T bear to hear –
How things all went to pot!
How folk once were successful -
And then they were not…
How the smiles once were bright…
Accolades from afar…
Until one day, mown down…
By a cross-dressing Tsar…
Death by motorised Puma…
Or mean Billy Goat…
Badly mauled by a field mouse…
Which went for the throat…
Oh, I flick through the pages –
I go speeding on through…
But still slow near the end…
Because it simply won’t do!
No, I can’t bear to read…
Of those sad later years…
So I stop when they’re happy…
And neither dead nor in tears…
No, I CAN’T bear the end of biographical tome…
All distraught on the sofa…
When I’m reading at home…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

There are two new volumes of poetry available from this Spring.

The first is hot off the press and entitled MUGSHOTS!!

It's a collection of mainly quite stoopid verse, written between September and December 2004.

The first poem posted from the new book is I AM NEVER INVITED TO ORGIES... a sort of Alan Bennett meets Pam Ayres style ditty which was one of the last pieces written for this collection, but is a good scene-setter for the rest of the volume.

MUGSHOTS is available at £5.00 + P&P - contact shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk for further details.

The second collection was originally available in a limited edition back in the Autumn.

LOVESONGS FOR THE BITTER AND TWISTED...

It's a slightly darker collection than usual - containing over 50 compositions and is also priced £5.

I hope you enjoy the new poem - more from MUGSHOTS will be posted later in the month.

Paul x

I AM NEVER INVITED TO ORGIES…


I am never invited to orgies…
Don’t I quite look the type – am I mocked?
I have always quite fancied Wife Swapping…
Though my sinus are quite badly blocked!
I think maybe I come over too quiet…
And seems that no one expects it of me…
But I believe I’d enjoy a nice orgy…
Or to begin with – a cuddle for THREE!

I am never invited to orgies…
It would seem I’m not that sort of girl…
But the stories I’ve heard seem alluring…
And they leave my poor mind in a whirl!
I would like to succumb to a sauna…
Something crazy – mixed bathing – you know…
But I no longer wish just to imagine…
Grab my bus pass and off I shall go!

But, I’m never invited to orgies…
Left to cook, wash ‘n’ clean – back at home…
A loyal Mothers’ Union member!
I would relish the chance now to roam…
I would thrive on some nice slap and tickle…
I’d enjoy a quick roll in the hay…
I’d enjoy hanging out in a brothel…
To find out just how much punters might pay!

I am never invited to orgies…
Perhaps my poor fashion sense wrote me off…
Holey cardies – old slippers and pinneys!
Are maybe clothes at which Swingers might scoff!
I’m in danger of becoming quite frisky…
“Au naturel” in a wood, by a lake…
Yes, I’d dearly adore a quick fumble…
Knead the dough really hard when I bake…

Still, I’m never invited to orgies…
My poor husband he turns a blind eye…
So, what if the man is a Bishop!
At least the old devil could TRY!
I am frustrated and sexually challenged…
I am quite sadly lacking a squeeze!
So, I’ve put in my letter to Santa…
Will you fix me an orgy soon, please?

No, I’m never invited to orgies…
One day soon I will spread out my wings!
One day soon be more naughty than nice, see…
And do some quite inappropriate things!
So, I’ve been down Anne Summers preparing…
I will send out the invites today…
Yes, I will throw soon – my very own orgy -
…AND YOU BET I SHALL CAUSE AN AFFRAY!!!

COMING VERY SOON>>>

OCTOBER 2004!!!

It's been a while in the offing - it was originally entitled MUGSHOTS, but now - it's been rechristened and it's ready to fly...

MONDAY 4TH OCTOBER 2004!!!!

LOVESONGS OF THE BITTER AND TWISTED IS AVAILABLE FOR £3.50 FROM BEECHES BOOKS.

I've already begun work on half a dozen new pieces for ANOTHER volume!!!

Here's one of the new poems... Enjoy!!

Paul x

* TIDDLES HAS A PROBLEM…


Tiddles has a problem –
Yes, he has a lot to lose!
Although he’s soft and furry –
He’s addicted to the booze!!
He drinks a pint of whiskey…
He does it everyday!
Becomes a tad effeminate…
Yet disputes that he is gay!

Tiddles has a problem –
With the string of gals he’s left…
All the furballs that he’s fathered…
Without funding – quite bereft!
A beer boy, lagered love cat!
He just doesn’t have a clue!
Doesn’t come now when they call him…
Not the kitten they once knew…

Tiddles is a problem –
Now the kids don’t like their pet!
There’s been whispers from the parents –
He will have to see a vet!
But Tiddles doesn’t notice…
As he snorts a line of coke…
Laps another milky cocktail…
Enjoys the sun and lights a smoke…

Tiddles hides his problem…
In the garage, quaffing ale!
He thinks that no-one knows but –
You can see it in his tail!
Hides his empties in the garbage!
Smokes his spliff late, dead of night…
His fur is going yellow…
Where once was snowy white!

Tiddles has a problem –
Fear, it’s making him real sick…
He’s got a glass of vodka…
He necks it down real quick!
Oh dear – poor pussy pussy…
Laid now flat upon his back…
A feline alcoholic…
With a sudden heart attack!!

Too much beer and smoking…
Did Tiddles lasting harm…
When he slipped away, was sozzled…
Gently purring - very calm…
No longer has a problem…
No more a secret vice…
Tiddles chose a reckless lifestyle…
When he should have stuck to mice…

Hi!
 
It's nearly time for a new book of poems... The new collection is provisionally entitled MUGSHOTS - more about that very soon... But for now - here is one of the new ones! :-)
 
Here's hoping that you enjoy it!
 
Paul x
 
 
IF I WERE A MOO-COW…
(15/07/2004)
 
If I were a moo-cow…
I would not settle for my lot…
Of grass and milk and mating…
And then chances are – of getting shot…
I don’t want to end my days in burgers…
Served up with Shakes and fries…
All mushed up with other bovines –
They use it all – even the eyes!
 
If I were a moo-cow…
Then I’d have a better plan…
No more flies or crappy mud-packs –
I am simply NOT a fan!
I’d set off and get my hair done –
Buy a trendy pair of shoes…
I have a fuller figure but…
With Sarong’s you cannot lose…
 
If I were a moo-cow…
I would thrive in my new life…
I might even go speed-dating…
Though I’m no Bull’s little wife…
I’d fancy playing hard to get, see…
Sleep around – quite loose of hoof…
In the evening wine and dine them…
In the morning – quite aloof…
 
Yes – if I were a moo-cow…
I’d escape the bonds that tie…
I’d go and see a movie…
Or sit back and watch the sky…
And plot my next adventure…
Perhaps I’d make a free-fall glide…
Would I fancy bungee jumping?
It’s never easy to decide…
 
Yeah - if I were a moo-cow…
I’d not settle for just grass…
Front of queue at Wimbledon…
I’d let no bugger pass…
My face in all the papers…
And in the WANTED files…
Explicit teat shots at the Ivy –
After nights out on the tiles!
 
But alas, no more a moo-cow…
Alas, can have no fun…
I’ve left it much too late…
Now I’m a sausage in a bun…
Spent too long daydreaming…
Of what I’d like to do…
So, now alas, ex-moo-cow…
Simply here – for you to chew…
 
Copyright Paul Chandler 2004.

COMING SOON - NEXT WEEK ON THIS SITE...

Details on new poems... Until then... Something new... Enjoy!!!

Until next week...

CRASHING BORES!


Crashing bores -

Will fall the hardest -

The higher up they've gone...

Victors mock the vanquished -

Depending just how well they've won...

Vicious dogs will bark the fiercest -

If you show how much you're scared...

Ex-lovers oft more spiteful -

When they know -

You REALLY cared!

Fake tears may flood a river -

When they're cried -

So strong - so hard!

Crappy writers write a sequel -

When believing they're the Bard...

Yes, poets - girls - n dogs n stuff...

Can drive you off your nut!

Best pretend you cannot hear them -

Just make sure your eyes are shut!

Crashing bores should be avoided!

Mustn't be allowed to pounce -

When they fall -

Remove their trampolines...

That way they'll -

NEVER

BOUNCE!!

COMING SOON...

SOMETHING OLD - SOMETHING NEW...

100 Poems...

The best of the rest of volumes 1-3
The best of volumes 4-5
+ 25 New Compositions...

Available from PCBEECHES@HOTMAIL.COM from February 2004 for £5.00

The 25 new poems are also available separately as SOMETHING NEW - £2.00

More details soon...

Til then - a taster from the new poems - written over Christmas...

FLAUNT TRADITION...


I choose to flaunt tradition –

I choose this way to be…

I will have a mug of whiskey…

Not a milky cup of tea!

I prefer to do whatever…

All the other guys do not!

If they’re serving plates of ice cream –

I would rather eat mine HOT!

When folk struggle into Offices…

I slumber way past Noon…

I sunbathe in the Winter…

Have my Christmas Day in June!

I watch the telly static…

It’s the best show on the box!

Stick my fingers into sockets –

Cos I like to get the shocks!

I celebrate my birthday –

Every day but that was born…

I refuse to fake politeness –

And quite openly I yawn!!!

I turn my back to Royalty…

I laugh at children, small…

I embrace all loony factions…

When e’er they care to call!

I wear pink on sad occasions…

And black on happy days…

I like to stare at bigots –

And I’ll never shift my gaze…

I choose to flaunt tradition –

I’ll decide what’s wrong – what’s right…

If you spend enough time with me…

I’ll soon convince you…

BLACK IS WHITE…

THE AUTUMNAL E.P. IS NOW AVAILABLE FROM PCBEECHES@HOTMAIL.COM for £2.50, (£3.50 if posted)

Here follows the last piece to be written for it... The kinda seasonal WICKED SANTA...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS ALL!!!


WICKED SANTA...


What did Santa bring me?

What did Papa Santa bring?

A cute and furry bunny -

With unsightly nipple ring?

A box of rock hard toffees?

A bloody body bag?

A shapely, sexy model -

Who's in truth an evil hag...

A purse that's full of money -

Legal tender now no more...

A replica Titanic...

Without a Ship-to-Shore...

I had visions of a Roller...

But I'll probably get a hearse...

A punctured Raleigh Chopper -

Or an ancient wicked curse...

Win the jackpot at the bingo?

Spin the Roulette Wheel again?

Win a fiver on the horses?

I invest and yet in vain...

Do I expect too much from Santa?

Have I been a wicked man...

I know I'm over 30...

But I behave the best I can...

Back last year he came to visit -

But brought along with him a bill...

To pay my ex's debts off...

And I'm paying them off still...

Oh, what will Santa send me?

When he comes - begin to fear...

Lots of yummy goodies...

Causing diarrhoea...

Christmas - for the children...

Christmas - for the mad...

I am gonna kidnap Santa...

And perhaps be really bad...

I might just dress as St. Nick...

Might just steal the nicest stuff...

Give myself a Happy Christmas...

Sometimes you must play rough...

What did Santa bring me?

He brought the whole darn lot...

I will have a dead good Chrimbo...

Though you folk –

Alas –

Will Not...

:-)

HI YA!

I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT ALL THE WRITING WORK FOR THE AUTUMNAL E.P. IS NOW COMPLETED AS OF TODAY...

THE NEW VOLUME IS CURRENTLY BEING PROOF-READ AND WILL BE AVAILABLE TO PURCHASE FOR JUST 250 OF YOUR SHINY BRONZE PENNIES. (£2.50 DIRECT FROM ME - £.3.50 WITH P&P)

THE ORIGINAL RELEASE DATE OF 10/11/03 AND LAUNCH PARTY IN SAN FRANCISCO HAS BEEN CHANGED AND THE NEW VOLUME IS NOW EXPECTED IN DECEMBER. :-)

COPIES CAN BE ORDERED FROM BEECHES PUBLICATIONS - CONTACTED AT EITHER SHYYETI@YAHOO.CO.UK OR PCBEECHES@HOTMAIL.COM

THERE ARE APPROXIMATELY 35 POEMS IN THIS COLLECTION INCLUDING THE FOLLOWING VERSE : BLUE EYED LOVER...

OTHER TITLES INCLUDE: ALL THE RAGE… , ANIMAL CRUELTY., BACK THEN…, THE BALLAD OF SHY YETI., THE BALLAD OF TINY ELVIS…, CALL OF THE MILD., CLARE, SINGING…, DID KOJAC USE CURLERS?, DIRECTIONS OF ATTRACTION., DON’T CHANGE., FATHER CONFESSOR, MY HAIRDRESSER…, THE FEARSOME PANTHER OF THE MONSAL TRAIL!, FIREWORK., FOR A WEEKEND., GONE SOME TIME NOW., HOW CAN WE BE WRONG? (LOVES 1-5)…, I WANT YOU NOW… (NO I DON’T!), JUST HOW MUCH I MEAN TO YOU…, MOST BIZARRE!!! (FATE VS FETE)., MY LOVER IS LOST…, THE NEXT BIG THING., NIL POINTS., ODE TO AN ANORAK., PANDORA’S POSTBOX., POWER DRESSING., SHAKEN UP…, SOMETIMES I JUST WANNA…, STEAL A MILLION…, TELEPATHICALLY SPEAKING., THIS TIME IT WAS ME WHO DONE WRONG., WHISPERS OF SONG., WHO CAN SAY?, WHY AREN’T YOU CRYING?, WHY CAN’T WE?, WORN ROMANTIC…

MORE DETAILS NEARER THE TIME - I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE FOLLOWING SAMPLE.


BLUE EYED LOVER (GREEN EYED FREAK).


Such a blue eyed lover –
My green eyed freak…
Gets SO darn jealous…
He couldn’t speak!
His eyelids twitch…
His knuckles crack…
Entombed within –
His packa-mac!
Face taking on –
A growly leer…
All fluffy love –
Swift disappear…
Not say a word –
Just stand and hiss…
Quite immune –
To my lover’s kiss…
Quite unmoved by –
Gentle hugs…
Or home cooked food…
Or Class A drugs…
Solid – staring…
Statue still…
It’s possible…
He’s kinda ill…
Blue eyed lover – green eyed fool…
About to snap…
Yet icy cool…
Blue eyed lover –
Green-eyed freak…
How much I love…
Your jealous streak…

COMING SPRING 2004: LYRICS WITHOUT A TUNE - A COLLECTION OF MY BEST POEMS FROM MY FIRST JUNK/FOOD, ROLLERCOASTER, THIRD TIME LUCKY, GO 4TH & DIVIDE... AND INCLUDING 10-15 NEW COMPOSITIONS.

Hello!

Things are going well with my next collection of poems : THE AUTUMNAL E.P.

I've written about 25 so far and the collection is only going to be about 30 pieces long this time. Writing and editing work is due to be completed whilst I'm away in the Lake District at the end of September and then I hope the finished volume will be out at the start of November.

My older poetry volumes are still available to buy (see previous post below) - however here is the first sample from the new collection - a piece entitled ANIMAL CRUELTY... Enjoy! Paul x

ANIMAL CRUELTY.


Would you like to alarm a Llama?

Would you care to poke a pig?

Or perhaps knee cap a Kanga…

Though their feet are rather big…

Wanna trifle with a tiger?

Pea-shoot a swan or two…

Or dunk a drunken donkey…

In a pile of steaming poo…

Maybe pluck spines from a hedgehog…

Charge them money for return…

Leave a lion scared and naked…

Crown jewels hidden by a fern…

Could try cussing at a Cart-horse…

Or Bitch-slap a Buffalo?

Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it!

‘Cos you simply wouldn’t know…

Make a lamb feel quite uncomfortable…

By shouting out “Mint Sauce!”

Tease an owl with cryptic crosswords -

Or old episodes of Morse!

Move some noisy foreign tourists –

To a quiet mouse’s hole…

Steal a bear’s prized pot of honey…

Put a sheep dog on the dole…

Would it make you very merry -

Just to see a young calf die…

You lure it home by moo-ing…

Next it’s in your Cottage pie…

Cause a tantrum with a terrapin –

Laughing rudely in it’s face…

Keep reminding Mr Hare ‘bout –

How the tortoise won that race…

Slam-dance a Salamander -

Sending stink bombs down the farm…

I can see you gaily chortle -

At the thought of causing harm!

So…

Before you torture Easter bunnies…

I will tell you now please don’t…

You may find it rather funny…

But the beasties surely won’t!!!

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!!!!

Well sort of...

The poem published below is from my new collection GO 4TH AND DIVIDE!! which is now available to buy from BEECHES PUBLISHING, PRICED £3.50.

GO 4TH AND DIVIDE contains over 70 new compositions and also a short piece of prose... This volume is more upbeat in tone than THIRD TIME LUCKY and includes such titles as EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI, FURRY FROM THE DEEP, THEY CAME FROM OUTER HEBRIDES as well as BLACK AND WHITE COWS, YOU AND WHOSE ARMY and DRUNK which have already been posted on this site.

Copies can be ordered from me by requesting further information to PCBEECHES@HOTMAIL.COM or SHYYETI@YAHOO.CO.UK

Thank you to all of you who have already purchased their copies.

The following poem, SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW... comes from the new book but was originally written especially for my most excellent friend, Nick Goodman, for his and his wife, Aly's, wedding day - where I was very excited to be best man. Since the big day on Saturday 5th July 2003 I have been asked for copies of the poem so it seemed the most obvious piece to post up as another example from the new volume.

I hope you enjoy it! :-)

Paul x

PS I am currently working at a gentle pace, on a new volume of poems, tentatively entitled THE AUTUMNAL E.P. which is intended to be available in good time for Christmas, this year. Already a dozen new pieces have been completed and I'll be posting further details and maybe an example sometime early next month.

SOMETHING OLD – SOMETHING NEW…

(SOMETHING BORROWED – SOMETHING WHO…)
A.K.A. HIS NECCESSITIES FOR MARRIED LIFE.


He’s got a list of things he needs…
For when they both are married…
We have hired a truck for the honeymoon…
So his belongings can safely be carried!
He’s been ploughing through his possessions…
Chucking stuff out he won’t need…
A pair of brightly coloured flares!
That have rather gone to seed…
Re-read every script he’s EVER written -
Off by heart he has them ALL learnt…
He’s kept his signed photos of Pammy Sue…
But the Rupert Bear Annual’s he’s burnt…
He knows his Woody Allen…
Doomwatch and Dr Who by heart…
Re-watched Tomorrow People…
And Blake’s 7 – right from the start!
He’s polished his Sonic Screwdriver –
Had me knitting him a scarf…
Which is bigger than Salisbury Cathedral…
And would smother a giraffe!
He’s tried to stop himself from bouncing –
Just like Tigger – full of joy…
Has been practicing his impressions –
Of Pertwee, Baker and McCoy…
I recall our trips to Oxfam…
Quests for vinyl – years gone by…
Endless hunts in search of Buggles…
And Boney M! Oh my….
Down the years we’ve done some crazy stuff…
Film making in our sleep…
Dressed up in stupid costumes -
Chased by monsters on the cheap!
I went with him to Plymouth…
Drunk pints in Sheffield’s pubs…
We’ve even been to Vegas…
Danced in Camberley’s trendy clubs…
But finally now he’s ready…
Prepared – raring to leave…
They are married on this day…
Now the luggage we must heave…
He’s got his TARDIS pencil case…
Which is bigger in than out…
His blow-up doll of Servalan…
There’s not a lot of those about!
I have given him my Dalek hat…
And those K9 slippers! STORED!!!
He’s got time-travelling pyjamas…
Though they’ve lost the vital cord!
He’s got it all now – packed and ready…
Sapphire and Steel on DVD…
One day this man will rule the world…
Or at least the BBC!!
But something still isn’t right now…
As he departs for his new life…
What is it he’s forgotten?
Oh goodness…
“WHERE’S THE WIFE!?!” :-)

AT LAST!!!!!!

GO 4TH AND DIVIDE!! IS NOW AVAILABLE TO BUY. RELEASED ON MONDAY 21ST JULY 2003, PRICED £3.50 FROM BEECHES PUBLISHING.

Thank you to all of you who have already purchased their copies.

GO 4TH AND DIVIDE contains over 70 new compositions and also a short piece of prose... This volume is more upbeat in tone than THIRD TIME LUCKY and includes such titles as EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI, FURRY FROM THE DEEP, THEY CAME FROM OUTER HEBRIDES as well as BLACK AND WHITE COWS and DRUNK which have already been posted on this site.

Copies can be ordered from me by requesting further information to PCBEECHES@HOTMAIL.COM or SHYYETI@YAHOO.CO.UK

The following poem, YOU AND WHOSE ARMY also resides in the new volume...

I hope you enjoy it! :-)

Paul x

YOU AND WHOSE ARMY?


I’m building up my army…

I’m building up a force!

I’ve got a brand new catapult and –

A two-legged battle horse…



I’ve a rabbit with a machine gun…
A band of field mice with grenades…
A failed Oxford academic -
Who just couldn’t get the grades!
I’ve a taxman down in Plymouth -
Who is keen to join the cause!
A bank account with twenty quid in –
Concealed on foreign shores!
I know a leprechaun from Dublin –
Who intends to give me luck…
I’ve a kitten with a flick knife and…
An armour-plated truck!


I’m building up my army…

I’m building up my troops…

I’ve got a semi-sighted monkey –

Who can fart and jump through hoops!


I’ve a sheep dog with army training…
Mother’s Union contacts high!
A kite with a scary dragon on -
Though with holes it fails to fly…
I’ve a flock of dead hard budgies…
Who will give a nasty nip!
A pack of pre-teen ravers…
Who will really give you lip!
I own a violin case –
Can you guess what is inside?
Well, just a fiddle - as it happens…
But folk never can decide!


I’m building up my army…

I’m training up the gang…

I’ve got an angry ginger Tom…

Who is mad and nicknamed, “FANG!”


I’ve got ex-members of old boy-bands…
Who’ll caterwaul ‘til windows shatter…
They’ve not said if they’ll bring Lulu…
But I don’t think that this will matter…
I’ve written off to rejects…
Who were stars back years ago…
Emu just ignored me -
Basil Brush he just boomed, “NO!”
Still, we do not need these extras…
We’ll do fine with what we’ve got!
Just listen for the rumpus…
Ring out that single shot…



I’m building up my army…

(Not sure for what…)

But hey, just wait and see…

That scuffle in the city…

Will be us…

My force

And…

ME!

NEWS!!!

GO 4TH AND DIVIDE is currently in the final stages of editing and contains 60+ new compositions... It should be available from early July priced £3.50.

Here's one of the new ones! Hope you like it...

Paul xx

BLACK AND WHITE COWS…


Are black and white Cows –

Only black and white…

Because they can’t afford the license fee!?!

Are they jealous of the coloured ones…

Mooing, “Why IS it them and NEVER me!!!”


Then again the coloured ones just look silly…

They’re reddy-brown or sepia-toned!

They are probably just the rejects -

Which no-one EVER wanted cloned!

Did you ever see a blue cow? -

Or one in maroon and polka-dot?

Most likely black and white just works the best…

Whilst vivid pink – well – just DOES NOT!!!

Have you ever seen a black and white cow –

Getting drunk and acting rude?

Only coloured ones do things like that –

Or talk like dear-hearted Ermintrude!

Still – talking cows they can intimidate –

Talking cows can seem perverse!

Black and white cows simply stand and chew –

Yes, I prefer they don’t converse!

Black and white looks best at parties…

Black and white looks cool on farms!

It’s not dull like beige or cream is…

Or so loud it sets off car alarms!


No… Black and white cows…

Are black and white…

‘Cos they know it looks the best!

They’re the trend-setters of the bovine world!

And the envy of ALL the rest!!!

Greetings!!!

As promised here is a bit about the 18 poems I've completed since the last collection came out in early December. I am working on another half dozen more at the moment - so they'll be plenty of others to join these, which I will preview soon.

Thanks to Anthony T, Stephen W, Brett L, Richard F, Lisa P, Julie F, Harry F, Calum W, Jo O and anyone else I've inflicted these new ditties on - for road-testing the early drafts and saying nice things. Ta guys! :) xx


DARK HORSE.

A silly ditty about the goings on of a - well - quite literally a dark horse - and a secret agent dark horse to boot!

DATING SEASON.

Theories on dating - when to, when not to - why it just won't ever work out!

DECORATING MORRISSEY.

It's Christmas - everyone is happy - everyone is festive - except for one sweet god; the legend that is Morrissey, lost on a street corner sometime in the late 1980s.

DRUNK.

The perils of getting drunk and quite how easy it is to make mistakes along the way...

EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI.

Have you ever been pursued by a yeti? The result can be remarkably furry but not altogether unpleasant... The same can not be said for encounters with some of the other beasties mentioned in this ditty.

GETTING ON FAMOUSLY.

An exercise in mutual fan worship.

GREAT MAN.

The perils of meeting your idol and how to overcome disappointment.

HE SANG.

Tales from the Karoake bar - where faith in each other's misery is the only thing that is keeping everyone sane!

KILLING TIME.

Ever found it necessary to kill time? What, really Kill it? Well - you obviously didn't succeed cos time is still here - at least for a little while longer...

MARSHMALLOW HEART - 2.

A sequel to last years Valentines ditty. This year one recommends kidnapping hunky waiters to ensure a pleasant evening.

REVOLUTION ON THE 8.15.

It's time for the commuters to rebel. There's only one way in which we're all going to get to work on time... Found out how! It's easy!

ROSEY TINTED LIFE.

How many people live their relationships - wearing rosey tinted spectacles? The character of this ditty is just one of many... But then when the truth is out sometimes folk just want life back the way it once were - even if it means a spot of self-deception.

SHE TAKES OFF HER RINGS.

A woman on the edge of a relationship. Full of extreme and heartfelt statements of intent. She is left on the side - she plans a new life - until...

SOMETHING OLD - SOMETHING NEW.

As Best Man it is necessary to prepare the Groom for what he will need for married life - some of it comes naturally - but what the Bride may not realise is that it may also involve several hundred boxes containing videos of Dr Who... And that's just the start!

SOON ON YOUR WAY : STRIKES BACK?

A leaving poem - rewritten for a serial killer!

STALKER.

Tales of being stalked... Inspired by a friend of mine who was followed home by a strange admirer whom he later decided to go out on a date with...

TEN DAYS FROM HEART BREAK.

Dating can bring out the best or the worst in us all. Sometimes it is the making of us - sometimes it means nothing at all - but then, just sometimes the end of a relationship can break us in two...

WE HAVE MICE.

Discussions with mice and what should be done when one finds one sharing everyday life with the wee beasties...

The full collection, which contains these pieces and is to be called GO 4TH AND DIVIDE will be out by SUMMER/AUTUMN 2003.

Previews of some of these poems will appear on the site over the next few months.

Paul x