NEWS!!!

GO 4TH AND DIVIDE is currently in the final stages of editing and contains 60+ new compositions... It should be available from early July priced £3.50.

Here's one of the new ones! Hope you like it...

Paul xx

BLACK AND WHITE COWS…


Are black and white Cows –

Only black and white…

Because they can’t afford the license fee!?!

Are they jealous of the coloured ones…

Mooing, “Why IS it them and NEVER me!!!”


Then again the coloured ones just look silly…

They’re reddy-brown or sepia-toned!

They are probably just the rejects -

Which no-one EVER wanted cloned!

Did you ever see a blue cow? -

Or one in maroon and polka-dot?

Most likely black and white just works the best…

Whilst vivid pink – well – just DOES NOT!!!

Have you ever seen a black and white cow –

Getting drunk and acting rude?

Only coloured ones do things like that –

Or talk like dear-hearted Ermintrude!

Still – talking cows they can intimidate –

Talking cows can seem perverse!

Black and white cows simply stand and chew –

Yes, I prefer they don’t converse!

Black and white looks best at parties…

Black and white looks cool on farms!

It’s not dull like beige or cream is…

Or so loud it sets off car alarms!


No… Black and white cows…

Are black and white…

‘Cos they know it looks the best!

They’re the trend-setters of the bovine world!

And the envy of ALL the rest!!!

Greetings!!!

As promised here is a bit about the 18 poems I've completed since the last collection came out in early December. I am working on another half dozen more at the moment - so they'll be plenty of others to join these, which I will preview soon.

Thanks to Anthony T, Stephen W, Brett L, Richard F, Lisa P, Julie F, Harry F, Calum W, Jo O and anyone else I've inflicted these new ditties on - for road-testing the early drafts and saying nice things. Ta guys! :) xx


DARK HORSE.

A silly ditty about the goings on of a - well - quite literally a dark horse - and a secret agent dark horse to boot!

DATING SEASON.

Theories on dating - when to, when not to - why it just won't ever work out!

DECORATING MORRISSEY.

It's Christmas - everyone is happy - everyone is festive - except for one sweet god; the legend that is Morrissey, lost on a street corner sometime in the late 1980s.

DRUNK.

The perils of getting drunk and quite how easy it is to make mistakes along the way...

EXIT, PURSUED BY A YETI.

Have you ever been pursued by a yeti? The result can be remarkably furry but not altogether unpleasant... The same can not be said for encounters with some of the other beasties mentioned in this ditty.

GETTING ON FAMOUSLY.

An exercise in mutual fan worship.

GREAT MAN.

The perils of meeting your idol and how to overcome disappointment.

HE SANG.

Tales from the Karoake bar - where faith in each other's misery is the only thing that is keeping everyone sane!

KILLING TIME.

Ever found it necessary to kill time? What, really Kill it? Well - you obviously didn't succeed cos time is still here - at least for a little while longer...

MARSHMALLOW HEART - 2.

A sequel to last years Valentines ditty. This year one recommends kidnapping hunky waiters to ensure a pleasant evening.

REVOLUTION ON THE 8.15.

It's time for the commuters to rebel. There's only one way in which we're all going to get to work on time... Found out how! It's easy!

ROSEY TINTED LIFE.

How many people live their relationships - wearing rosey tinted spectacles? The character of this ditty is just one of many... But then when the truth is out sometimes folk just want life back the way it once were - even if it means a spot of self-deception.

SHE TAKES OFF HER RINGS.

A woman on the edge of a relationship. Full of extreme and heartfelt statements of intent. She is left on the side - she plans a new life - until...

SOMETHING OLD - SOMETHING NEW.

As Best Man it is necessary to prepare the Groom for what he will need for married life - some of it comes naturally - but what the Bride may not realise is that it may also involve several hundred boxes containing videos of Dr Who... And that's just the start!

SOON ON YOUR WAY : STRIKES BACK?

A leaving poem - rewritten for a serial killer!

STALKER.

Tales of being stalked... Inspired by a friend of mine who was followed home by a strange admirer whom he later decided to go out on a date with...

TEN DAYS FROM HEART BREAK.

Dating can bring out the best or the worst in us all. Sometimes it is the making of us - sometimes it means nothing at all - but then, just sometimes the end of a relationship can break us in two...

WE HAVE MICE.

Discussions with mice and what should be done when one finds one sharing everyday life with the wee beasties...

The full collection, which contains these pieces and is to be called GO 4TH AND DIVIDE will be out by SUMMER/AUTUMN 2003.

Previews of some of these poems will appear on the site over the next few months.

Paul x

Hi ya,

Check out the site below for some new poem "DRUNK" with more new postings to come during Spring 2003...

STILL AVAILABLE...

THIRD TIME LUCKY!

Including over 60 new pieces of verse by myself, Mr Paul Chandler - from the silly to the serious...

Available now... Priced £2.50.

Thanks again to all those who already have copies.

For those of you who have avoided them until now you can also purchase...

JUNK/FOOD... The First Collection. Priced £1.99

ROLLERCOASTER... The Second Collection. Priced £2.50

AND ALSO!!!

WOO-ED AWAKENINGS!

THE BEST OF THE FIRST THREE VOLUMES... Priced £2.50.

AVAILABLE FROM BEECHES PUBLISHING.

Before I go... A sample from the latest collection... :)

THIRD TIME LUCKY.

First times never work out...
She learnt this fact first hand...
Married to a drummer -
From a heavy metal band!
Her first job was a nightmare!
Her first car fell apart!
She ran away to Brighton -
On a junkyard horse and cart!
Her first affair was fated!
Her first bank job a flop!
Saved from jail by offering -
Gold bullion to a cop!
First time on tele-vision -
She forgot quite what to say!
Her first night as a call girl -
With a man who didn't pay!
First attempts to choose a winner -
Grand National pick came last...
So, she had to try a second time...
Range available was vast!
Her second job was scary...
Free-falling from a plane!
Her second car exploded -
Whilst on a trip to Spain!
Her second husband too no better -
He used to dress like her...
And had a crush on Ironside...
(As played by Raymond Burr...)
Affairs - bank jobs and telly...
All met a drastic fate...
Her second National fancy,
Fell at the second gate!
BUT her third attempts were splendid!
Third husband quite adored!
Third job was quite successful!
Fighter pilot! Never bored!
Third car a large Ferrari!
Third National choice - HE WON BY MILES!
Third bank job earnt her millions -
And nights out on the tiles!
Sometimes first tries are fated!
Second times more often suck!
Best persevere a third time!
Fingers crossed for third time luck!

Hello! Just thought I'd up and post a new piece on the site... Have been busy putting together some of the back-catalogue for an exciting new project as well as writing quite a few new pieces. Next time I post I'll give away a little more... But before I do let me just give you a sample of one of my more recent pieces - a good-humoured piece called, simply - DRUNK which was completed on February 22nd... :) More soon! I promise...

Paul x

Hope you enjoy "getting"...

DRUNK.

I'm a little bit drunk -
On the things that we've said…
I'm a little bit drunk…
All inhibitions have fled…
But I don’t think that’s bad…
I don’t think that’s wrong…
We can still have a snog…
Though my breath smells quite strong!

Yes, I’m a little bit dreamy –
A tiny bit swayed –
By your feminine wiles –
How I wished you had stayed!
What a tease! Quite the She-beast…
A real Wild One to tame…
Only I’ve not got your number…
And forgotten your name…

Hey, I'm a little bit merry…
Not quite right on my feet…
Fell down on the floor –
But my life is complete!
Still, this is really no problem…
Not something to mourn…
Though my hair is a mess –
And my new clothes are torn!

Just a little bit sleepy…
Just a weeny bit down…
I’m not sure where I am…
In exactly which town?
But I’m sure it was worth it…
I’m sure was just swell…
Though my vision is blurring…
And, it’s all gone to hell!

I’m a little bit thirsty –
Fancy one for the road?
But I’m barred from the pub!
All my oats have been sowed…
My Credit Card maxed!
All my coffers drunk dry!
Tried shadow boxing –
Gave myself a black eye!!!

Oh, I’m a little bit woozy…
And I might just be sick…
My head is still spinning…
Get out the way quick!!
With my head down the cistern –
That’s my lunch flushed away…
And with it all consciousness!
What a MARVELLOUS day!

Hi,

I am finally getting to work on collecting together poems for THIRD TIME LUCKY - which could well be available sometime early November. I have also written a few new poems which I may write more about next week. I have also been including some of my work on www.ongoingsaga2.blogspot.com where one of the main characters (named Lavinia Crump) is a poet. So I'm using my own poems to back-up her character in the story. One of these poems; PARK BENCHES is a new one which will appear in THIRD TIME LUCKY.
Enjoy! Paul x

THIRD TIME LUCKY... COMING SOON!!

Hi,

Just to let you know...

MY THIRD COLLECTION OF POEMS : THIRD TIME LUCKY WILL BE AVAILABLE FROM DECEMBER 2002...

However, some of these news poems are being previewed in the latest ONGOING SAGA story which can be read at WWW.ONGOINGSAGA2.BLOGSPOT.COM

Stay tuned!

Best wishes,

Paul

STILL AVAILABLE :

JUNK/FOOD - £1.99 (WINTER 2001)

Comprising poems old and new : 1992-2001.

ROLLERCOASTER - £2.50 (SPRING 2002)

A completely original set of poems 2001/02

COMING SOON :

THIRD TIME LUCKY!

AVAILABLE DECEMBER JULY 2002

THESE CAN BE ORDERED FROM PCBEECHES@HOTMAIL.COM

Hello...

Just to let you know that there has been an exciting change with the next volume of poems... It may delay the release by a month or so - but all I can say at this point is that it's going to be MORE THAN JUST A BOOK OF POEMS... It's also going to have a story to it... Hopefully.

If you'd like to check out some other writing that I've been doing check out the following site : http://ongoingsaga.blogspot.com/

If you'd like to join in and write an episode - let me know... As ever PCBEECHES@HOTMAIL.COM

Paul

Hello! It's ten years in September since my team of mad actors began filming Sutton Park with me and the third volume of poems THIRD TIME LUCKY contains at least a couple of pieces inspired by our video series. (Which ran regularly from 1992-2000 for over 3000 episodes and is now winding itself down to closure.) If you don't know what "Sutton Park" is then I shall explain another time. The following poem is based on a catchphrase that my good friend Mr Nick Goodman came up with whilst filming - it is called ANOTHER PATHETIC ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT and relates to episodes where his character nearly got assassinated in lots of strange and peculiar ways... The other poem inspired by the series is called THE PARK and is slightly darker - this one is another silly little ditty... :)
Enjoy!

ANOTHER PATHETIC ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT.


If no success -
At first they say!
Knock 'em off -
Another day!

The slightest push…
A nudge or shove…
A feather dropped -
From high above…

A falling leaf -
Banana Skin…
Fiendish plotting -
Evil grin!

A Secret Smile -
Way cunning plans -
Panto villains -
Flinging flans!

Lacklustre words -
Not filled with bile -
A nemesis -
Who's only "vile"…

Oh, please try harder -
Vent your spleen!
Dirty habits -
Way too clean…

Sights lined up -
Full of contempt!
Another pathetic -
Botched attempt!

Laid up in bed -
And worse for wear!
Singe-d moustache -
And vacant stare!

One more try -
Then light the fuse!
Blow yourself up!
Means -
You lose.

Time-bomb conker!
Mousetrap gone!
Failed assassin!
Means -
THEY WON!

Apologies for not writing much or keeping you updated since my return - but I have good news! My third volume of poems (the last until at least late in the year) is almost ready for release. It's going to be called THIRD TIME LUCKY and features 50 new compositions. These will include a number of the ones available on the site so far. THIRD TIME LUCKY should be ready by late July 2002, maybe before and will cost exactly 250 pennies... (That's £2.50 to you nice people...) Most of the poems on this site are silly ones but the one below is a little different (in fact all three volumes are about 50:50 funny:serious verse anyway. The one included below is called OWN GOAL? and it's about football widows - so it's kinda topical now... I hope you find it worth reading... Paul x

OWN GOAL?


He's gone…
Taking the children…
Leaving the house silent…
Off to the Rec again.
Last Match of the Season.
Been a good one for them all…
She sits alone in the front room…
Waving vaguely from behind the net curtains…
Receiving only the clang of the garden gate…
But receiving it gratefully.
She turns away…
Gazing coldly at the housework left to her…
The upturned toys…
Dusty book shelves…
Dirty plates and un-hoovered hallways…
They can wait.
She lights a cigarette…
Loosens her hair from constraint…
Lets it caress her face defiantly…
Mother knows best.
She picks up her mobile…
Engages the directory…
Calls the number…
Smiling at the voice in reply…
The meeting's still on.
Football widows.
Football widowers.
With nothing -
And nobody -
Better to do.
Something has been arranged.
She's playing away from home today.
One for sadness -
Two is hearty!
Three's a crowd.
But four's a PARTY!
Putting away the phone.
Her mind is reeling with the anticipation.
Another challenge mounted.
An Off-side crowd-pleaser.
No penalty - no Foul play!
Nobody to tell her what to do…
She makes ready.
Shrugging on her coat inside-out…
Too excited to notice…
Grabs her bag -
As she applies a spot of lippy -
Smiling at herself in the hall mirror…
She'll do.
Kickoff - 3:30…
Own goal?

Dear oh dear! Apologies for not updating you! Things have been rather hectic - but I'm back from the world tour now... More of which later I'm sure...

As a sample of what Italy inspired in me - please feel free to enjoy the following...

OH, FLORENCE!!!

Oh Florence! Oh Flo!
Now's come time to go…
But I just cannot bear soon to leave thee!
Your Café's - your Streets!
Miscellaneous meats!
My love for you -
Never will leave me!

Oh Florence! Oh Florry!
A love greater than Corrie!
And more than Eastenders or Dallas!
Your Bridges - your Domes…
And Old Stately Homes…
Street-singers with voices like Callas!

Oh Florence - Florana!
Our love's a nirvana!
Come home with me - let's be at one!
Come live in my flat!
With Derek - my cat!
Together our love shall grow on!

Oh Florence! Oh Flor!
True love can't ignore!
You send me! It's hard to behave, kid!
Want you all - every alley!
And be extremely pally -
With even your statue of Dave-id!

So, come with me Florence!
Our farewell's an abhorrence!
Yes, come with me - bring all your peoples!
I'll look after you well!
Keep you clean - fresh of smell!
And make passionate lust with your steeples!

Yes Florence! Dear Flo!
Now I really must go!
I hope you'll soon travel to reach me!
I dream of your Squares!
With such beauty! (Like Cher's!!)
I'm a novice in love - come and teach me!!!

Hope you enjoyed that!

Me x

Hello folk! Well - the Italian leg of my world tour is about to drop off and I shall be moving on to my next location! Sunny Stratford on Avon! We have toured Florence, Siena, San Giminano, Lucca, Pisa and lots of terribly trendy places like that... I cannot wait to tell you all about it... But I will... More soon!

Before I go... As promised yesterday - a tale of REINCARNATION...
See you soon!

REINCARNATION.


From life to life…
She's been and gone…
From Joan Of Arc -
To Little John!
She once was Bach!
She once was Keats!
The man behind -
Re-clining seats!
She's been a Pope!
She's been a Squaddy!
A member of -
Shawaddywaddy!
From Lady Jane -
To Henry Tudor!
Important mould -
That's grown on Gouda!
The apple shot -
By William Tell…
Inventor of -
Blue Minty Gel!
The very first -
Egg ever fried!
Bath water when -
"Eureka!" cried!
Took Nobel Prize!
Crowned Spanish King!
Taught the Beatles -
How to sing!
But now - you see,
She's only her -
Not the force -
That once she were…
No more a Royal -
Nor poet, Auden -
Just plain old Maggie -
Traffic Warden… :)

Hello... The countdown to the world tour - errr - counts down... Only two days to go! Have just written a fab poem about reincarnation... I'll post it later - must dash - lunch with Fatima beckons! HURRAH! ;)

Terribly sorry chaps and chappesses - been terribly busy sprucing meself up for the World Tour! I never realised quite how much work it would entail. It's been absolutely hectic - but... I have found time to write you something nice before I go... Have a read and I'll say toodle pip for now...

THINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE (PT ONE).


Things ain't what they used to be…
Nothing outlives change…
The shifting sands of time move on…
Drifting out of range…

There are no meringue birds,
In the old meringue trees…
Someone stole their nests…
As a witty student wheeze!

No Billy goats across the bridge,
Or evil troll beneath…
No toad residing in it's hole…
Or Wombles on the heath…

Things ain't what they used to be…
Nothing's built to last…
The quality has fallen -
All the great's have been recast…

E.T. no longer calls his Mam,
Daleks growing slow…
They prefer to just play Scrabble…
In a cosy bungalow…

The Rolling Stones no longer roll…
The Beatles busk in malls…
Bill and Ben no longer buddies,
The Friends no longer pals…

Things ain't what they used to be…
Now everyone's a "Star…"
"Classic's" two-a-penny…
Manufactured by the jar…

Alice fled her Wonderland…
The Thunderbirds have flown…
Harry Potter's lost his magic…
Jack's poor beanstalk overgrown!
The Famous Five are down to four…
The Secret Seven split…
Lassie's feeling selfish -
Even Postman Pat has quit!

Things ain't what they used to be…
Nothing's what it was…
Why can't it be like that again?
Because - BECAUSE - BECAUSE…